50+ Math Jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"?? "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, '10101000101', on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you." Reporter 1: "But what actually is 2+2?" Trump: "Siddown. No, siddown. I've already answered your question. Haven't I already answered your question. This is what we get from news reporters, folks. Give me a nice question. Yes - you." Reporter 2: "Is your name Donald Trump?" Trump: "Now that's a nice question, folks. That's what I want." Edit. To all people spamming my inbox with hate message. It's literally just a joke. Learn to take a joke like a joke or don't browse r/Jokes. Edit 2:- to the person who called reddit care on me thanks for your concern but no thanks I don't need it. I am mentally sound and physically fit. Edit 3:- To the person who messaged >I will see how you joke after i share your address libtard. Yeah I gonna keep a tab on your I'd mf. Let's see where is your home. I will spare you the effort. I live in India. Come and get me bro. Your entitled ass won't survive 2 minutes in the heat and humidity of here. All jokes aside i am little scared how much people can get charged up over a innocent joke.

Punishing me for underperforming for 1 day in 2 years? No problem. Hello everyone, I will try to be concise. **BACKROUND** I work at a company where I handle mid to high level complaints to managers, PR and legal. My daily requirement is 40 cases handled per day, there are some of my team colleagues that struggle with this, but I don't, and I don't feel lazy to stop at 40, so I have handled 50-55 basically every day for the past two years. There is no bonus (or even recognition) for this, I just did it because I felt a friendly obligation to the company. Complaints can be a 5 minute resolution, or a 2 hour zoom call with our New York lawyers, it's a gamble really. **THE EVENT** Recently I had a day where I felt a bit sick and at the same time, had bad luck of getting only very hard cases that required more time, so I had 39 cases (1 under the requirement). I thought nothing of it, as my weekly average way off the charts, 50+ as usual. The very next day I felt better and went back to my usual high numbers. Come Monday, I had a "emergency 1-on-1" with my manager where I was informed that I had to attend a 3 day workshop/seminar on how to best meet requirements, because I "underperformed last week." My jaw dropped, and I asked don't they count the weekly, monthly, yearly numbers, to which I was told that the "daily requirement is 40, and this is standard practice, nothing we can do." Basically it was a workshop for underperformers who had 20-30 out of 40 cases daily, it was nothing hard, but I did need to drive there for 3 days after work and listen to HR guys giving bad advice (as they never actually handled the cases in real life) and I had to talk about what will I do to improve my numbers and "reach the 40", as they nonsense HR talk calls it. This made me lose hours and hours of my free time and I was livid. After it was over, I had a long think and I decided that I will do exactly that. I will "reach the 40" and that's it. **THE AFTERMATH** For the past few months, I go into work, I handle 40 cases, my daily requirement, and then I do NOTHING for the rest of my shift. I have had multiple 1-on-1's with my manager during this time, and I am constantly asked: "is something wrong", to which I naively reply "no, am in trouble, am I underperforming?" and then of course they say that I am 100% within daily requirements and that way I shut the conversation down. This is real life, so I can't really say a clever comeback or something like that, but I do keep "playing the fool" that has no idea what is wrong now, but I find satisfaction in knowing that they got used to my overachieving and are now suffering for the lack of it. Before Easter, they put up an internal ad for promoting another 2 managers, so my guess is how that is the number of people they will now need to pay extra, just because they lost me as an overachiever, and they lost me for no reason other than their own stupidity. Thank you all, I hope I did not bore you.

A new twist on an old joke. Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer... The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."

If I had 50 cents for every maths Exam I failed I’d have $8.40.

What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school. His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

If Al Gore started a math rock band it should be called Algorhythm

Penis Contest Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?" The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

How long are math snakes? 3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is (I'm so sorry)

Math puns!

Water main burst, maintenance guy told me to stop dumping water out the window I'm a high school science teacher and a few years back a water main burst in my classroom. I saw the drain was clogged so I sent the majority of the class to the library and grabbed some students I knew could handle themselves from coaching wrestling and football. I had them help carry water to the window in trash cans while I called Building and Grounds. A few minutes later a maintenance guy came in and yelled at me, told everyone to leave and that we should let the water fill the class until the pressure cleared the blockage in the drain. The water pressure did not clear the blockage in the drain. The whole hallway on both sides flooded, as did the hallway beneath it, mold grew and we had to shut down over 40 classrooms for over a year. There wasn't enough classroom space and we had to split the student body in half and have one group come in from 5 am to 11 and the other come in from 11-5 pm. The repair cost the district over $15 million. All spring sports were cancelled for the year, the next year's fall sports were cancelled too and in a lot of ways the district never recovered. I got a load of crap from my supervisor, a VP and the school principal in the immediate aftermath and wasn't brought back the next year. I got offered my old job back when they realized how much damage I was trying to prevent but had already moved on to greener pastures.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll have a beer.” The second says “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”, etc. The bartender interrupts them, says “I know your limit," and pours them two beers.

Math dad jokes always get me

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Teacher: “If you have one dollar and you ask your dad for another dollar, how many dollars do you have?” Billy: One dollar. Teacher: I'm sorry, Billy, it seems you don't know your math. Billy: I'm sorry, Miss, it seems you don't know my dad.

If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now

My math teacher called me average... How mean.

I have to teach in my classroom? Bet. I first started teaching over 20 years ago at a high school, so this was roughly May of 2004. As a new teacher, I was the low man on the pole and ended up in a portable classroom instead of the main building. If you don't know, it is what it sounds like. Kind of like a small mobile home trailer. They are meant to be used temporarily at best, for overcrowding or emergencies and the like. The big problem is that Florida is hot as hell. We have two seasons: Summer and Hot Summer. This particular year, our AC in the portable couldn't keep up. The insulation in the building had been damaged in a hurricane the previous year and had not been repaired yet. As a result of those two things, it was hotter inside the portable than it was outside in the shade with a breeze. So I said "fuck it" and moved class outside and taught math in the courtyard for a few days. One of the assistant principals saw us, and asked to see me later. He asked why I was teaching outside, and I explained. "Teach in your classroom." I tried to negotiate. What if the front office has my cell number? What about the media center, can I teach there? "Teach in your assigned classroom." Bet. That weekend, I went to the home improvement store. I bought a 50 gallon trashcan, a large standing fan, a small pump and some copper tubing. I rigged it up so the chilled water would be pulled through the tubing that was zip tied to the front of the fan. Then Monday I went to work early and got a bunch of ice from the cafeteria to put in the trash can. I filled the cooler with water and dumped that in there with the ice. I now had enough ice water to make cool air. When the kids showed up for first period, we had some air. It wasn't as good as a real air conditioner, but it helped. The kids thought I was a mad scientist, and that actually made me think about switching subjects to science later. No kids I am not a mad scientist, just basic thermodynamics here. By third period kids are telling each other about it. We went that way for about a week and a half before it ended. I got called in to the office. "Why am I getting phone calls from parents about some science experiment in your MATH CLASS, Mr. Cobb?" It seems some of the kids had been talking about my DIY solution at home. "It's a home made air conditioner. I told you ours was crappy. You didn't want to address the situation, so I did." I was told to disassemble it, and by some miracle, I had a newer AC unit in my portable the next day. The principal was PISSED I "made the school look bad" and she non-renewed my contract at the end of the year, so I had to find a new school. My son goes to that high school now. Those same portables are still in use.

“It really seems like much of your emotional trauma stems from your being homeschooled, but we’ll have to address that in the next session, as we’re out of time,” her therapist said slowly as she looked at her watch. Esther looked up at her therapist, wiping away tears, and asked, “Mom, do we have math next?”

A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking. A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, tightened a couple of nuts, and the sink worked perfectly again. The professor was delighted. But when, a minute later, the plumber handed him the bill, he was shocked. “This is a third of my monthly salary!” “Yeah, I get it…” said the plumber. “Why don’t you come work for our company as a plumber? You’ll make three times more than you do as a professor. Just remember: when you apply, say you only finished seventh grade. They don’t like hiring educated people.” So the professor got a job as a plumber, and his life really did improve. All he had to do was tighten a nut here and there every so often, and his salary was much higher. One day, the management of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to attend evening classes to finish eighth grade. So our professor had to go too. By chance, the very first class was math. The evening school teacher, wanting to check what the students knew, asked for the formula for the area of a circle. They called the professor up to the board, and he suddenly realized he’d forgotten it. He started frantically reasoning it out, covering the board with integrals, differentials, and all sorts of fancy formulas to re-derive the result. In the end, he got: S = –π r² He didn’t like the minus sign, so he started again. Again he got a minus. No matter what he did, it kept coming out negative. He cast a panicked look at the class, and all the plumbers were whispering: “Swap the limits of integration!”

Admin says “Just Give Him a Multiple Choice Retake” I shared this on another thread in a different Subreddit and it was popular, so I’m bringing it over here hoping you all enjoy some malicious compliance. I’m a High School math teacher. Earlier this year, I took over a Geometry class during my prep period as the original teacher quit in late September. In late November I gave one of my last Unit Assessments. My assessments are about 25 questions, none multiple choice. One of my students decided to answer any question he didn’t know with 67, resulting in a 17%. I had a private conference with the student, who thought it was hilarious. I did offer him the chance to come one day after school to do corrections on those problems for up to half credit. The student refused. I called mom to inform her and let her know that, while he can still pass by doing well on the last test and course final, it is an uphill climb. Mom demanded I give her son a retake with multiple choice options. Mom says “making the test not multiple choice is inviting the students to do that!” I refused, but did inform her that her some can stay after school to make corrections up to half credit. She refused and went to admin. Admin caved, making me offer the student a multiple choice version of the test. I decided to make one of the four answer choices in each question be 67. When the student finished the test, his score did improve to a 30%, selecting 67 as his answer on most questions (showing no work). I informed the mom and admin. The mom, again, went to admin demanding that I do not count any question he guessed 67. Admin refused and said “we gave you what you wanted and your son another chance and he continued his bad choice, the 30% will stay”. The student did not pass the class. But the student did email me right as Winter Break started, apologizing for his behavior (he was a behavior concern throughout the class with 2 discipline referrals) and his not taking the tests seriously, asking to change his grade from the 30% to a 70% and to round his final grade from a 52% to a 60%, so he would get a 60% and pass. I do not enjoy failing students and I understand Geometry can be difficult for some. And many Geometry concepts may not apply to their careers after high school. My philosophy is simple; 1. Regularly attend class. 2. Have a good attitude. 3. Try your best. You do those three things and you will pass. I try to focus on teaching important life skills like regular attendance, good work ethic, and asking questions. All of which will support you regardless of which career path you choose. And to add to my decision of putting 67 as an answer choice for each question. I did not do it to set him up for failure. I was hoping he would learn his lesson, and give him a better chance to do better with one answer choice essentially being removed. He chose not to use that opportunity. He did, however, ask for both tests so he can show people how funny it is. I did not give him the tests for test security.

Auto repair shop exceeded my maximum price quote Many years ago, I had a 1981 Ford Courier pickup that needed engine work. After meeting with a local auto repair shop that specialized in rebuilding engines, I asked if they could look at the engine and get the truck operational again. After examining the engine, he said it needed rings, valve work, plugs, plug wires, and a list of other things. I asked if he could do what he suggested for $1,000 or less. The shop owner said he could do that, we agreed on the $1,000 maximum price, and I dropped off the truck. A couple of weeks later, he called to tell me the truck was ready to pick up, and the bill was a little over $1,300. I asked what happened to my maximum limit of $1,000? He said that once they got in, they repaired a few extra things while the engine was open, upgraded some components beyond what was necessary, and believed it was worth the new price. I told him that I was only willing/able to spend $1,000 and that is why I gave him the maximum. He said that if I didn't pay, they would keep the truck. The reason I had a $1,000 maximum was if repairs were over that, I was going to take the money and buy a newer used vehicle. After a long pause on the phone while I did some fast mental math, I told him to keep the truck and I hung up. He called back in about three minutes and told me to come and get the truck for $1,000.

Politicians ignore warnings about publishing everyone's data online. Back when every business and government was starting to get their services accessible online for the first time, there was a new law passed in my state that all local government public records must be accessible via the web. Those records held by local government included dog registrations, building plans/permits, property ownership information, etc. Until this point, you had to physically turn up at the local government offices and have your name recorded to access such information, but it was free to access and they were not permitted to deny you. At the time I was the webmaster for one of the local government areas in Australia. When this was first proposed, we highlighted that residents would be very upset by making this information easier to access, and potentially for people to 'scrape' the entire dataset. (Tests to prove you were human were not very reliable back then.) This was politics, so we were somewhat surprised that the politicians didn't see the potential public backlash. We also wanted to protect our residents from people who would try to abuse or profit from mass-access to this information. Our warnings were ignored. So we complied... maliciously. I wrote an absolutely brilliant information portal (with the best captcha we could implement at the time) which complied exactly with what the law required. We ensured the local newspaper knew the exact date and time it would go online and what would be published. It was easy to find and put in a lot of time to ensure news media would be able to easily demonstrate the potential harm. The following day, front page news about the massive privacy issues this could pose. That morning, we were told to take it offline and it stayed offline permanently. The portal was up for a total of 27 hours. In the aftermath, politicians tried to shift the blame to our local government leadership, who shifted it to us in the IT department. We had prepared a paper trail to ensure that those truly responsible were given all the credit for the project. And those who rebuffed our warnings, had their emails included in the freedom of information requests made during the investigation.

Math is hard, 15+15 is thirty… But 16+16 is thirty too

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink ..... so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. "Congratulations," says the caller. "Your phone number has been selected randomly. We're with KCLA and we're having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly and you win the grand prize." "Fantastic!" says the guy. "It's a math question," says the caller. "Feeling confident?" "I am," says the guy. "I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school." "Great!" says the caller. "Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber concert... What is 2 + 2?" And the guy says, "Seven."

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "what's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "FAG"

Two rednecks decide to go to college... Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table. She opens it and reads: *"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."* When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: *"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of mathematics, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18..."*

Make me do labor for free? Explain to the Inspector why your office door is bright pink. So I am a highschool student, and I am the president of the art club in my school. I can say I do decent things. the principal and my art teacher asked me to paint some white and peeling walls however I want, and I'd get free lunches.( I need to add that my school doesn't have a cafeteria and just a canteen. ) and since I had nothing better to do and I'd get out of chemistry and maths, i said yes. I painted some of the walls and a door for the chemistry lab. whenever I finished painting, they'd ask me to do something else. Like paint the old benches or draw custom designs on doors. once I was done, I went to the principal and he said he couldn't give me free lunches. so, when they asked me to paint the principal's office door since it was old? I painted it bright pink. and since they asked me to do it and didn't tell me what to do exactly, they couldn't say anything. But there was something I forgot. I was doing all of this because the inspector would be arriving. (so, this part of the story comes from my homeroom teacher who is a part of the disciplinary committee.) when he finally arrived with his 3 secretaries, everything went well and he praised the paintings and intricate work. But when he got to the principal's office.. it's door was Bright pink. he left in a hurry and our school got some maintenance people sent. (sorry for my Grammar, English isn't my first language) And quick edit: my school is supposed to be the most funded and the most disciplined school in the whole district. So, we can say I caused them a lot of headaches. Don't play with my lunch of chicken nuggets shoved into a piece of bread. Edit: Thank you everyone for the love on this post! And I'd really appreciate you guys scrolling down to see my replies before asking questions, because I am EXHAUSTED from answering the same questions again and again ^~^ UPDATE!!!!!: so..this is awkward..my art teacher saw this post and recognized. Well..I got an envelope with 300 bucks inside. Plus, 200 bucks because I'm an orphan and it was Eid. So, here's some more add-ons! Q: what country? A: I would like it to remain anonymous, but I am not in USA or UK, I am in a country in Asia. Q: why is pink so bad? A: well, in my country the elder men have VERY embraced toxic masculinity, and as you know..pink is a "girly" color. Thank you all for the attention, I hope you all the best!!!

I’m not allowed to break the rules? Ok then… This happened to me a while back, but just came back to me. I used to work for an armoured car company. Something I did for a few years when I was in university and waiting for a position in what would be my future career. It was good money, and lots of people did it as their full time jobs, but I wanted more out of life than a mindless job. Because I was classified as “part-time”, I did not have a set shift, I mostly covered for people when they were sick, took vacation, worked unscheduled shifts, or worked shifts created specifically for part timers. All in all I was working full time hours almost every week. Most of the full timers loved working with me. The way the company worked, you were set for a 13 hour shift, however if you managed to complete your run is less than that, you’d still get paid the full shift. I was young, moved fast, and didn’t care about breaks if it meant I could get paid for 3-4 hours to sit at home instead of working. So whenever I took over for someone older, who was just on autopilot, I could get their coworker home in a fraction of the time. One of the full time workers, a real Karen, let’s call him Kyle was just the worst. For some reason he took it upon himself to tattle on people for anything that he didn’t like. If someone weren’t wearing their collared shirt under their sweater, run to tell management (FYI working in the summer heat in a literal metal box wearing a bulletproof vest makes you want to shed layers), someone wearing black instead of blue pants… tells management, someone wearing a company hat that has the company logo but is not “official uniform”… tells management. No one in the company liked Kyle. Well one week Kyle’s coworker has taken vacation, and my boss schedules me to replace him. The run is pretty easy, it’s commercial day shift, so 90% of the stops are retail stores with less than a few hundred bucks in cash. Because of the amount of money, no one has ever had a problem with one person jumping out and running in, grabbing the money and coming back while the second person (usually the driver) stays with the truck. In this shift, I was the driver, so that’s what I did. When Kyle was in the store, I would just navigate my phone, look at the people in the area, make sure there were no threats, make sure I wasn’t parked in anyone’s way, mostly wasting time. Well one stop, Kyle came back and I was just finishing up writing an email. Apparently Kyle wasn’t too happy with me taking a few extra seconds to start going, to unbeknownst to me, me took a picture of me behind the wheel on my phone. I had no idea until the next shift came the next day where management came to talk to me about “texting and driving”. I told them I had no idea what they were talking about, and my manager just said that he had proof I was doing it and if I did it again, I would be written up. I went to talk to another coworker who is also the union rep to figure out what the hell was going on, and he told me Kyle took a picture of me yesterday and complained that I was doing it. I was pissed. Cue malicious compliance. My shifts with Kyle were 3 13 hour shifts, Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday. Well today was now Thursday, our last shift of this run, and this shift was not retail pickups, it was the run that takes all the money collected from the previous week and brings it to our provincial depot about 400km away. The entire run only has about 30 mins of “work” and about 9 hours of driving. If you did the math, this is one of those runs where if you get it done quickly, if traffic is on your side, you can get paid for a lot of unworked time, it was also the last shift of the week, which meant a long gorgeous weekend in the middle of summer as soon as we were done. Well I was going to make sure this shift lasted as long as possible. If he didn’t want me to break any rules, I’d make sure I obliged. I drove EXACTLY the speed limit the… entire…. way. I even stopped for our 1 hour lunch break, which is given to us, but I had not witnessed anyone take in the years I’d been here because of the rules we had about pay. If fact we were so behind, we reached the major city our depot was located in right at rush hour, something our early start time was designed to prevent. All in all, what should have taken about 9 hours to do, ended up taking 14. An extra 5 hours where he just had to sit there and watch me in silence. To make things sweeter, a few times during the shift he had to call his wife and let he know he wouldn’t be home early enough to go to the cottage and they would have to leave the next day instead. I heard from other workers how furious he was and how I’d ruined his plans for the weekend, and all I could do was smile. To clarify: Where I live, going 15-20km/h above the speed limit is standard. Going to speed limit will just get someone smashing into your rear bumper. Also, our trucks have a max speed of 105km/h, and m

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"... She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test". The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on." **EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that's so dumb it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it. I'd never heard it before, which apparently is some kind of crime according to the comments. Comment breakdown: * "This joke is so old, you're a terrible person for posting it" * "The way this joke really goes is something about a chicken/goldfish/Chinese apples not mattering" * "Why did you mark this NSFW?!" (hint: because I wanted to click the NSFW link for some reason) * Some stuff about my mom * Some comments about me being 12 (I'm 35 BTW)

The Logical Redneck Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2? "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you."

“How about one you haven’t manhandled?!” hey all it’s no caps OP (still haven’t figured it out ) I had a deli customer come in today along with many many regulars as it is the witching hour and everyone’s on lunch. im wearing gloves. I prepared most of the food the customers see before them. but sometimes in my haste in packaging their requests my gloved hands make physical contact with their food. so in comes my least favorite guy. the guy who asks me what the Swedish meatballs are and I say “Swedish meatballs “ , and then he proceeds to say “…because there’s so much sauce on them it’s impossible to tell “. like it’s totally unnecessary. he literally puts too much sauce on everything. not that I can judge him. but anyway saucy comes in and asks for four tenders. I have like 12 left and I’m doing the math. I know that the guy behind him gets 8 tenders minimum every day. as I’m bagging them with the tongs one my fingers holding them bag touches like one tender. He loses it. ”hey! how about you give me some tenders you didn’t put your hands all over ! “ enter MC before he can interject any further Ingo to the next customer hey what can you get while waiting for new tenders ! oh give me the rest of those “! you got it chief. then other guy loses it as I toss his manhandled tenders aside and tell my manager “sophi” to start a new batch. I told saucy that “don’t worry I won’t touch these ones “ “that’s not what I meant!” ahhh the MC battlecry of defeat. he waited thirteen minutes for new tenders TLdr: made a guy new tenders.

I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.

Casino makes winning pay table A few casinos ago, we had a progressive on all of our games. Put $5 on and you were playing for the jackpot. We installed an ultra-high limit room, and the big wigs wanted a $25 version to match the expected clientele. They had built the pay table themselves. One of our dealers was brilliant. He did the math in his head and felt funny. He did the numbers and realized that it was EV positive. It was a game that could not be lost if you had enough money and time. You didn’t have to hit high on the pay table, the value was low enough in the pay table that the risk of ruin was absurdly low. He brought it up to management and they dismissed him. So he got his wife and mother to come to high limit and play for months. They were not blackjack players, he didn’t care. The math worked out to a $50/hour job. Comps galore. High roller service. They never hit the jackpot, but were well within the money. Many months later they realized their mistake. His family well entertained and much richer. Clarification: A progressive is a lottery style jackpot where a flat bet enters you for a chance to win an increasing total. These games have an escalating list of prizes on a pay table. The lesser prizes pay a fixed amount, and they had over paid the lesser prizes to an extent where the game paid more than it took. This means that the lottery pays you to play, regardless if you hit the jackpot or not. Casinos always win on progressives where normally 2/5 of the bet goes to the house, 2/5 goes to increase the progressive, 1/5 goes to the operator of the game. The math should work such that the lesser prizes are afforded by the game. This was not the case due to the faulty math. Mathematicians can calculate an EV (expected value) to determine the RTP (return to player) which is normally ~~>~~ < 100%. This game had a RTP of +100%, meaning if you played long enough you should not lose. You can lose, but the risk of ruin (the statistical probability that you will go bankrupt playing the game) was low as the prizes most frequent on the pay table had over paid the player to an extent where my coworker could bankroll his family with 1000 bets and have a near certainty that they would win. He had a gamblers mentality backed by math. He could have lost. Fun fact: There is a tipping point where the progressive is high enough that the game becomes EV positive, but the jackpot is so hard to hit that most players meet their risk of ruin before hitting it. There are teams of gamblers that track progressives and will hog the game till they collect the winning jackpot, spending weeks with rotating shifts. This is common on specific slot and keno machines. Gamble bad.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "I did not give you sufficient data to determine whether or not these women are married. The way a woman chooses to consume ice cream has no correlation to her marriage status."

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' " "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks. "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said" replied the boy. a repost, but I liked it

Don't want to pay be for being on call? Ok I won't be Hey there, just wanted to share my compliance with you. Its been a few years but i still am proud of it. Background: I worked in it in a medium sized company. We were a team of about 20 persons, with always 2 specialists for every topic. For example server / database and mine - network and firewalls. Due to laws in our country we had a gentlemen's agreement with our company. As noone could be forced to be on call pretty much 24/7 every 2 weeks, but the company needing exactly that they paid us about 500€ per month, and we would be on call - but with less harsh rules (you were supposed to call back in a larger timeframe, it wasn't expected that you could start working within a specific frame etc.). The calls were not frequent so this was okay for us. Every team was called like 2-3 times a year, so it was decent money for a psychic burden, more then for real work. The problem: I was the new one. So I worked there for several years and my boss just left me out of the agreement. At the beginning it was ok, because I wasn't called and also wasn't able to help immediately. But after 2 years my higher boss blatantly stated "well if there is a problem, we'll just call him" to other colleagues and my direct boss when it came to my partner going into vacations or illness. The first problem: As you might expect I was pissed. And low and behold, the time came and they needed help from the whole department, because there was a computer problem with all systems. The higher boss didn't even have the balls to call me himself, he made one of the other colleagues do it. I answered and it was hard to leave them hanging, but I declined, knowing everyone would have more work with less people. The Solution : After being set into such a harsh spot, I chose to solve the problem myself. You don't want me on call? You won't be able to call me. I switched my mobile number, only giving it to my direct partner, who also agreed with it being unfair, like my direct boss. He would simply lie that he didn't have it either if he was asked. Everyone knew I was pissed, so they agreed with my solution. Then i turned off my home phone, which I didn't use anyway and gave hr the number of my parents, telling them to only contact me, if there was a real problem, nothing just work related. And then I waited. And waited. The Crashout & Aftermath: And then my time came. Colleague was out of country on holiday. I had a nice weekend. On Monday I came in and everyone was like: everything crashed on the weekend. Turns out the firewall as main gateway had a network interface going up and down. Noone even had a login expect my colleague and me. They had to get a specialist from the support to help them, which cost them the whole weekend to solve this, meaning critical calculations didn't run as planned. I was immediately called into my boss (unfortunately not the higher one again) office. He instantly promoted me to being on call, no matter the consequences. Everything with HR and the bigger boss would be done afterwards, I just had to make sure I was on call when leaving the building this day. So I went ahead and gave them my number, and after that I was never even questioned about it again. Bonus for me: Other departments always were pissed about our "free bonus money" and I was the only one who always just went ahead and told everyone I would actually give it up again, if I had my personal freedom and space back. I actually prefer my space over the money. Left some years afterwards for a 8-16 it job without being in the constant awareness that someone might call. The money might sound great at first. But about 3000€ per year for always having your work in the back of your head just isn't worth it for me. Hope you enjoyed my MC Have a good one Edit for clarification: 500€ a month, at about 42% tax rate. It's quite usual to make it simple and just half the initial income. So it would have been around 3400€. Nothing was split, every one on call got the 500

What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function? It’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

Merry Chrithmath

Why did little Timmy fail his math test? It's an automatic fail when you don't show up and Timmy was busy flatlining in the hospital.

Clocking in Used to work for a business office some ages ago. You clocked in by swiping a card on a time clock in the elevator lobby. Swipe out/in for lunch, etc. Pretty simple. You were paid in 3-minute increments and so some people would come up a bit short or long (with OT) by the end of the week. The reader machines took ages to register you so you had to stand there to be 100% certain you were clocked in/out. There could be very long queues. If you got more than an hour of OT you might get a talkin' to, but most of the time nobody said anything. Managers were also pretty chill about letting you come in whenever as long as you were at your desk during hours where they let you call patients. Then one day this mandate comes out, absolutely NO overtime without VP approval. For the most part nothing bad happens except now managers have to be on your case if you're clocking in early and out late and racking 30+ minutes of OT on any check. After a few months of people being a no more particular about clocking in/out, a new directive comes down the pipe. No schedule changes whatsoever, everyone is assigned a schedule and will stick to it for life. You MUST clock between 6 minutes before your start, no later than 3 minutes after. Flip that on the way out. 3 minutes early, up to 6 minutes late. About 30 people started at 9am and so they would be queued at the punch clocks, beginning at 0854 and 2-3 of them would be 'tardy'. I was one of the rare few that was allowed to be in at an abnormal time (0730) and didn't have to queue to punch in/out. I know math and so do you. We've all got time to maliciously comply! 12 extra minutes, 4 days a week is 48 minutes, then clocking in 6 minutes early on Friday gets you up to 54 minutes. Every Friday around 10 in the morning, for almost 3 years, my manager walks over and orders me to clock out an hour early so that I will not get overtime. Every Friday she tells me "You really can't be doing this" and every Friday I ask her if there's a new company policy, which always garners a sigh as she walked away.

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam." I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?" She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... At first, the bartender suspects nothing. It's just a few customers he will have to attend to. What a mistake he made. As more and more mathematicians walk into the bar, the place gets crowded VERY quickly. The other customers inside the bar starts getting uneasy, as the influx of mathematicians is blocking the exit to the bar and shows no signs of stopping. Before you could even say "I don't like where this is going", the bar is fully crowded; not a single patch of floor is uncovered by feet, and yet the mathematicians are still piling in. The customers begin shouting, and the bartender is standing on his stool, attempting to keep the peace. Still, he too is panicking. What on earth is happening?! Soon, the mathematicians begin stuffing themselves into the bar for real. They climb on top of one another, and although the small suburban bar isn't fit for occupying such a large group, The mathematician flow continues strongly. The walls begin creaking. The customers are screaming, then suffocating. The bartender manages to call 911 before he is crushed under the weight of the incoming mathematicians, along with the other customers. Soon, with almost hundreds of witnesses observing the swelling bar, including a cluster of armed forces, the bar finally bursts. Mathematicians of all ages and sizes begin flooding out of the bar, and it seems to continuously grow each second at a monstrous rate. The riot shields are no match for the horde of mathematicians, and everyone watching attempts to flee, but get trampled. In no time, the entire town is filled with mathematicians and corpses of civilians. Then the entire country. Then the entire world. The year is 2568. Nothing remained of our old society from 55 decades ago. All we have now are wastelands of mathematician corpses, and as bizarre as it seems, humanity continues to survive. A few government farms are scattered all across the globe to provide rations for all families; wheat farms on top of mathematician intestine pits growing bread for the hungry millions. Those who are unlucky have to resort to eating the rotting flesh of these dead mathematicians. Makeshift houses are formed using their bones, but are taken quickly by the monthly mathematician-floods. I hear that bar all the way back in Kansas is still producing fresh batches of 'em, so nobody worries about scarcity. In this anarchy-filled world, we have only 1 global rule: Kill **all** mathematicians in sight. None shall be spared. ***NONE.***

They say that 88 percent of people can’t do math Luckily I’m a part of the other 12 percent

Math explains everything

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

Same for math equations. Sum of them are easier than the others.

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe... ...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child! The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

Math teacher says: "50 percent of the class have failed the recent test" Pupil/student from back row replies: "We're not even that many here in class!"

Morning Meeting Compliance (plus a bonus) My primary job during the daytime has been in the elder care field for a long time now. This story takes place while I was earning my M.S., and my company allowed me to intern elsewhere twice a week to learn a couple new managerial positions. Every morning at these buildings we have what is called "stand-up", an every-weekday meeting where all the managers check in with each other. The only boss who actually had us stand up for these kept them very quick (10-15 minutes). The rest let us sit and typically ran them for 20-30 minutes. But at my internship building, the director had a different vision. She only wanted to meet once a week, but for the entire morning. She thought it was more efficient, and would allow us to dive deeper into issues. So she insisted we stay in that (uncomfortably hot) room for 3 hours every Tuesday morning, where after 30 minutes the meetings devolved into her ranting about her breakfast and her commute because we were out of topics. As a good intern hoping to curry her favor, I showed up one day early on with a couple of things I had planned out to discuss. But I only got a couple sentences in before she stopped me - "If your topic is only relevant for some of the people at the table, and not everyone, you shouldn't be bringing it up here". Well, that rule isn't true for anyone else here, and there goes both my topics for the day. But whatever - I shrugged and said okay. So for the next few weeks, whenever it came my turn to speak, I'd simply reply that the things I needed to say weren't for everyone. All my good ideas, everything I had to share from my asst. manager position at my primary building, she wasn't getting any of it. When I wrote my final paper on what I learned from that position, I made sure it was alright with my teacher to write about how a bad manager can teach you what not to do. Bonus: This director had me do some of her work as part of my internship, where I filled out the forms and she reviewed them. One day, she called me out for doing math wrong - she insisted that we shouldn't be rounding up unless the number was at least .6 (huh?). I tried to explain that it was at .5, but she mocked me and said she felt sorry for my math teachers. I mentioned this to another manager, who told me to just let it go, so I did. But the thing is, the number she had me correct downward were our census percentages. We had 52 rooms occupied out of 55, so 94.54%. She had been reporting that as 94%. And according to my primary building's director, the cut-off for their position to earn bonuses was 95% residency.

A bad math joke I came up with A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky. [Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)

A teacher was giving a math lesson... ...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" The student replied, "Two dollars." "Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition. "No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."

Not all math puns are bad Just sum

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

Cool, Embarrass yourself the perfect way! Used to work in an startup as the lead developer managing a team of 8. I had this manager (calling him B from now), who had a long history of jealousy and in any occasion used to mention he used to be a programmer in his youth as well and he knows much better than everyone (believe me, he was a 50 years old kid). At some point our company got a project from one of the banks, with deadline of two months. The project was somehow complex mathematically but doable in two months with right choice of people and planning. I was explaining this in a mutual meeting with B and CEO, when B jumped in my speak: "This is a serious project, unlike other projects you are in charge of. I will manage this project personally and will hire new team reporting directly to me, it's better if you do not get involved in such a serious projects". Thing is, I had a successful experience in rich mathematical projects and CEO got that project exactly because of it's similarity with our other project which involved same mathematics. I exactly knew what must be done there. but B? it was the best opportunity for him to embarrass himself. "Perfect! I'll focus on our own products then and you take charge of this project" I told to B, in front of the CEO. B started inteviews and asked me to participate. I helped him a bit, but it was a challenge for him to accept people I rejected, just because they answered nonsense questions asked by him (like, how many doors did you see coming to our floor, what was the color of the third door, like, really?!). The project started, and after one month not hearing anything from them, I had a request from B: "my team has done everything, but we need a little help, can you give us these APIs to return some data?". Told him let me see our plannings to see if I can dedicate time for this. Then sent him a letter in our system somehow like this: "As per our discussion, Our team can deliver the APIs in a short time. We just need you to respond to this letter with a short description of inputs and expected outputs of whatever API you need. it doesn't need to be lengthy, so we are ready to start as soon as we get the documents." No response was given and I forgot about it until next month, when the deadline had been passed by a week. while shopping at a weekend night, I received a call from the CEO, with the angriest tone I had ever heard, screaming: "WHY HAVEN'T YOU GAVE B THE APIS, THE PROJECT CAN NO LONGER WAIT AND B SAYS YOUR TEAM FAILED TO GIVE THEM WHAT YOU PROMISED". I responded "Look, stop screaming and give me 5 minutes, and then you can do whatever is needed." \+"Ok, tell me", \-"Search for this letter in the system from me to B at that time range. Open it and then I'll continue". \+"Found it" \-"So B requested this last month, all he had to do was to respond to this letter in 10 minutes and I could give him whatever he needed. But not only he didn't, he never again mentioned it in person as well" \+"Got it, will call you back soon". One hour later I called again to see why didn't he call me. CEO responded with: "He and his team didn't do anything except some mockups for the bank. Not a single line of backend code was written and they were looking for a victim to blame him. He didn't respond you because he couldn't wirte they need all the backend fully be implemented by you". Due to friendship B had with the CEO, he wasn't imediately get fired, but next month he left the company on his own. During that month his team was merged into my team, they were good people despite previously being rejected by me. Just they were not suitable for a 2 month deadline project. And I got the role of him right after. Still one of my best stories so far.

If I had 50¢ for every math test I've failed, I'd have $7.20

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician... A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all eating on the patio of a restaurant. Across the street, they see two people walk into a building, and a few moments later three people walk out. The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced." The physicist remarks, "There must have been some type of statistical error." All are quiet for a long while before the mathematician says, "You know, if one more person walks into that building it will be empty."

Pakistani math problem. Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!! What are the odds?!

If I had a $1 for every failed maths exam, I'd have $3.45.

Two mathematicians walk into a bar... and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?" The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem." He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, "What is the indefinite integral of x squared?" She responds, "one-third x cubed." The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

The mathematician's interview A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation: "You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?" The mathematician responds: "People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office." The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure: "You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?" The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies: "I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved."

Old mathematicians never die, They just lose some of their functions.

I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. I'm making little things count.

My math teacher said I was average which is just mean

Puns make me numb.... But math puns make me number.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter pint. The barman says "Fuck you guys" and pours two pints.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are riding a plane... …when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math. The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane. The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death. The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.

So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar. The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or more orders, the bartender pipes up, "Jeez, you mathematicians sure don't know your limits," and places two beers down on the counter.

All blonde women gets together and try to prove that they are smart So all the blonde women get together and decide that they have to prove that they are smart. They call all the blond women in their town for a convention. They also called news papers and a math professor from a local University. The professor have picked out one blonde and ask her a question in order to prove their smartness. He calls one blonde up to the front and begins. Professor: What is 150*4? Blonde: 823 Blonde Crowd: Give her another chance. Give her another Chance. Professor: Fine. I will make it easier this time. What is 10*10? Blonde: 28 Blonde Crowd: Give her another chance. Give her another chance. Professor is frustrated and says: OK. One last time. This is the last try. What is 5+5? Blonde: 10 Blonde Crowd: Give her another Chance. Give her another chance.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

English puns make me feel numb, but math puns make me feel number.

I can't even count how many math tests I've failed.

Greek vs Italian Culture One day , two men, a Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian thinks for a moment and then replies, "Ah, yes, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class? Her algae bra

"Dad, can you do my math homework for me?" "No son, it wouldn't be right." "Well, at least you could try."

I have a scary math joke But I’m 2^2 to say it :(

A mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant are applying for the same job. The interviewer asks each one “What is 2 + 2?” The mathematician says "4." The statistician says "4." The accountant says "4." The interviewer says "Good work, that was just a test to weed out candidates who complicate simple things unnecessarily. Next question: How would you detect and explain a sudden but temporary spike in financial data that doesn’t align with known business activity?"

A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face, Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey." The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her mother, "Guess what mom the teacher gave us a sum 12+15 and i got it right, 27! see see?" She says showing her math book. "Is it because i'm smarter than them mom?" Her mom looks down and sighs once more, "Yes dear." The following day the blond girl half runs all the way home grinning. Breathlessly she goes to her mother, " Mommy we went swimming today and guess what? All the girls had small titties and look! I had these" She promptly lifts her shirt to reveal two whopping perfectly round full size D breasts. "Is it.. is it because i'm smarter mom?" Her mom sighs and looks the other way. "No honey, it's because you're 24."

When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this... Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side!

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide. At least we're in the top 10.

A little Johnny... One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think." Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one sucking it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

The aftermath of an Italian affair . . . For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he replied. The wife obeyed, and watched her husband as he read the card. He turned white and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs. Two without.”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician orders half a beer. The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth mathematician orders an eighth of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the rather annoyed bartender slams two beers down on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits!"

Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store. A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs. "How many?" he asks standing right next to her. She yells, "4!". He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.

In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math. Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.

A mathematician was interviewing for a job A mathematician was interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?". The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities". The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks: "And what if the building is not on fire?". After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence : "I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"

A boy comes home from school A boy comes home from school: Kid: Dad, math teacher wants to see you. Dad: Why, what happened? Kid: Today at class he asked me "What is 9x7?", I said 63. Then he asked me "What is 7x9?", I said "What the fuck is the difference?". Dad thinks fair enough, says he will drop by. Next day, boy comes home, asks his dad: Kid: Dad did you come to school? Dad: Not yet. Kid: Well, now my gym teacher wants to see you too. Dad: Why, what happenned? Kid: Today at gym class, he asked me to raise my right hand, i did. Then he asked me to raise my left hand, i did. Then he asked me to raise my right leg, i did. Then he asked me to raise my left leg, i asked, "Am i supposed to stand on my dick?". Dad thinks fair enough, says he will drop by. Next day, boy comes home, asks his dad: Kid: Dad did you come to school? Dad: Not yet. Kid: Well don't, i got expelled. Dad: Why, what happened? Kid: Today, they summoned me to principal's office. Math, gym and history teachers were waiting for me there. Dad: What the fuck was the history teacher doing there? Kid: I asked the same thing. Edit: Grammar. English is hard.

A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper... On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies. The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough", jumps and lands safely in the pool. The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error. (Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)

This is why I don't tell Math jokes The average maths joke is pretty mean

What math classes do gender studies majors take? Triggernometry.