100+ Marriage Jokes

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly: **"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv] Edit1: a typo Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home. As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants. "Here, try these on," he says. "What? Why?" she says. "Just put them on," he insists. "They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those." "That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it." "Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on." He holds them up and sees how tiny they are. "Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!" "That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

Libertarians are the smartest people ever. Until they keep talking. Every conversation goes like this: "We should stay out of Syria!" Sounds reasonable. "Legalize marijuana and gay marriage!" I totally agree. "Every child has the right to work in a factory!" Wait, what? "Do you want Uncle Sam reading your email?!" Hell no! "Then who is he to tell you what is and isn't flammable?!" Nathan Anderson @NathanTheSnake Photo: KL Thomas

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.. After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage... After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl..... A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

Deaf Sex Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

Marriage, the real story A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!" Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

After 20 years of marriage, she finally turned on the lights... A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they had sex, the husband insisted on turning off the lights. The wife found it silly, but she respected his wish. However, after two decades, her curiosity got the best of her. One night, in the middle of a passionate session, she reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. She looked down—and to her shock—her husband was holding a vibrator. Furious, she shouted, “You impotent liar! You’ve been deceiving me all these years! You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!” The husband looked her in the eyes, calm as ever, and said: “Me? Explain the vibrator? You better explain the kids.”

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop... To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

I Want A Divorce A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

A woman cheats on her husband A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out." Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning." The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it." The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God. One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?" She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years." That's all folks !!!

A woman has an affair and cheats on her husband after years of a happy marriage. Realizing her mistake, she begins praying: “Lord, I know what I did was wrong… but my marriage is the one thing that brings me purpose and joy. Please don’t let my husband find out.” Suddenly, a voice from above replies, “Okay, my child. I will spare your marriage — but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning.” She hesitates, then says, “Alright, Lord… if it means he’ll never know, so be it.” Life goes on. Her business flourishes, her marriage stays strong, and she enjoys years of comfort — all while forgetting her promise… and continuing to cheat many times over. One day, she books herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the trip, a loud BOOM shakes the ship, and it begins to sink. Panicked, she suddenly remembers her deal with God and cries out, “Lord! You’re not going to drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me… right?” She hears the familiar voice again: “Are you kidding me? I’ve been working on gathering all you cheaters on this one boat for YEARS!”

A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister. The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor's daughter. The father tells him with apologetic tone that she is also his sister. The young man storms out crying and finds his mother outside. She asks him what's up and he tells her the story. She tells him with her motherly soft voice: "Son, go marry any girl you want, that man is not your father".

A man asks his wife if she had ever cheated on him After many years of marriage, a man asks his wife if she has ever cheated on him. The wife replies that she has never, but the man persists, and finally the wife admits it, but only three times, and that she has always done it for him. - Okay, -says the husband-, tell me about the first time. -It was when we built our house, newlyweds. We ran out of money, and I made an arrangement with the contractor so we could have a happy life. -And the second time? -It was when you wanted to build a garden. We called the best gardener, and since we couldn't afford it, I had to make a deal with him. I did it for you too! -I understand. And the third time? -It was when you wanted to be mayor of the town. You were 35 votes short of the goal.

Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms? Me: I can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl... ...that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman...... One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

Her ex, Tiger Woods joke. A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "*my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.*" The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He said, "But what about all of this money? How did you manage to save all this money?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "I did not give you sufficient data to determine whether or not these women are married. The way a woman chooses to consume ice cream has no correlation to her marriage status."

A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Do you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said his father, "All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom. “Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh no!" he replied, "You've swallowed my sock!"

a nice Italian couple . . . At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a bakery... To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage." (posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

ONE spelling mistake can ruin your entire marriage. I accidentally messaged my wife "I'm having a great time. I wish you were her”

An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party... Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly: An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"

Bass Solo A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other. The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other. Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo. Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months. “How on earth did you know that would work?” they ask. “Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

An older man was married to a younger woman. An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

Once there was a girl who always wore a green ribbon around her neck. There was a boy who liked her, and she, in turn, liked the boy. But he was curious. "Why do you wear that green ribbon around your neck?" he asked. "I cannot tell you" she said. "But why not?" the boy insisted. "It's not important" said the girl. The boy and the girl grew up, and were married. After the wedding the boy said "Now that we are married you must tell me about the green ribbon." But the girl said, "No, I will tell you when the time is right." And the boy sighed heavily. "What?" said the girl. "Nothing" the boy replied. "It's obviously not nothing" said the girl. "It's just that I feel like you don't communicate with me," said the boy. "Oh come on," said the girl, "Name three things I don't communicate about." "The green ribbon," said the boy, "other things I can't think of right now." "You always do this, you try to take one small thing and pretend like it's a recurring problem. Just because I don't talk about the green ribbon doesn't mean I 'don't communicate' in general," said the girl. "Don't turn this around on me. You're the one who's being weirdly secretive about the ribbon," said the boy. "What's the big deal? I just like it," said the girl. "You won't even take it off when we have sex," said the boy. "You're going to bring our sex life into it now?" said the girl. "I'm just saying I don't know what's going on in your head. Are you sensitive about the way your neck looks. Is it a body issue thing?" asked the boy. "Oh, fuck you. I'm PERFECTLY comfortable with my body, and I don't need you telling me I shouldn't be," said the girl. "That's not what I meant," said the boy. "Then why don't you say what you mean," said the girl. "I AM SAYING IT! I want to know why you wear that ribbon!" said the boy. "WHO CARES?! It's just a thing I do. It's a fun affectation," said the girl. The boy rolled his eyes. "What?" said the girl. "Nevermind. I'll tell you when the time is right," parroted the boy. "Fuck you," said the girl. "Fuck YOU! See how it feels?" "I don't want to do this," said the girl. "Fine by me," said the boy, "let's go to bed." "No," said the girl, "THIS. I don't think this is working out. I want a divorce." And then their marriage DIED BECAUSE OF MEANINGLESS BULLSHIT

Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn't jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? Because she's dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can't talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it's a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a banana martini please." The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he's actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.

A husband and wife head to the golf course... A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favourite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt. "Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I slept with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me." The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you." The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband. "Honey, I too have something to confess." The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything." "Before we met, I had a sex change. I used to be a man." The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!" The husband, red faced, turns to her. "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheating piece of shit!"

First Experience after marriage A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them “Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code” So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted “NESCAFE” and the next week the 2nd daughter text “WILLS” the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label “fantastic till the last drop” went to her husband’s pack of WILLS cigarette and read “Extra long, king size” she smiled and said “not bad for their ages”. After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted “Indigo Delhi Hyderabad”, the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied “it’s 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins”. Mother fainted

When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today. "Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?" He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad" "Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

Divorce An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Marriage jokes Marriage jokes The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

Marriage sex A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help. While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re OK on the sex thing, right, son?” “Yeah, sure dad. It’s all cool.” The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?” “The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!” “No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.” “Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?” The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex. Honeymoon sex is what you would expect… You and your wife can’t get enough of each other… You’re constantly going at it! But, as life becomes busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions. Then, finally, you reached the stage of hallway sex.” “What’s that?” the son asks. “Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say ‘f\*ck you.’”

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fu king her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a bl wjob, was my dad I said "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum" He said "I'm not."

Marriage joke My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

5 years ago today, I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today, I asked for her hand in marriage. She said no both times.

The king asks a commoner... "Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels." "I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner "To think it over?" asks his majesty. "No - to fatten her up."

a Polish man moved to the USA and married an american girl. A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~

My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman Which finally gave us something in common.

Grounds for divorce A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madan, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me.”

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Gay Marriage Licenses So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

Pretend Marriage A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.” “Wow!…That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied…. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

Marriage is like a hand grenade, remove the ring and the house is gone.

"Listen to the Professionals" This one is admittedly long, true, and something I need to get off my chest... I was on TT starting to scroll through videos when I got hit with that song everyone puts in the background of their dead spouses/kids/grandmas, etc. - *If I would have known* It caused me to write this comment below, and eventual post on my TT, which will give context to this MC story (it's a little sappy, as I was feeling some type of way, so if you want to skip this the MC is less so): *In late July, 2001, my wife of four years, mother of my two sons, collapsed in front of me. "Oh My God OP I think I'm having a seizure!" Were her last words. She knew it was coming a second before, and the way her final syllable had an uptick and reverberated as she hit the ground echoes through my life, weaving in and out of remarriages, children's births, pill addictions, lawsuits and new houses, fights with my oldest child, and now here I am just staring off into the middle distance. I'm not having thoughts. They're having me, dancing around me, bullying me, inviting me over to the deep end. I just finished walking my 4th graders to the buses and I come back and open my phone to this: another reminder of the regrets I have. I signed that DNR without so much as batting an eye. I just went along with whatever they said. "Trust the professionals. Listen to the professionals". Nothing makes sense, man.* *Nothing.* *How am I with an amazing woman who is truly the love of my life, married her 21 years ago, always thinking of her and how thankful I am for such a strong, wise woman of God and mother to three of my five children, as she says she's a mother of five (totally right), feeling the joy that is being married to her while simultaneously feeling the pain of losing my first wife? It's like being stabbed at the same moment I'm at the height of pleasure. It's the only way I can describe it. And it still doesn't do it justice. It's not exacly simultaneously. It's more like a see saw. The first one is the joy, with the pain seeping in as I know that it's coming. RIP SJJ.* *And thank you GAJ for being such an amazing woman who I'm madly in love with. Every day excites me to be with you. The dichotomy would be difficult for anyone to understand, but here you are just going with the flow and loving me anyway. You deserve the very best of everything. All the time. All I can do is promise that no matter how broken I am, my pieces will come together beautifully just for you. For US.* Okay, now to the actual story: In 2001 my wife had a grand mol seizure while she was getting ready to go to her mom's. She knew it was happening as it started happening. She hit the ground pretty hard, and was seizing two feet away from our 11 month old son who was napping in his playpen. I also had my 3 year old with me. The ambulance came and got her. I told them what I told the 911 operator: she had a seizure. My mother in law came to our trailer in Glendale AZ to watch the kids while I drove to the hospital. When I got to the hospital she was being evaluated by the medical team there, and an ER physician decided to put her under for a CT (or MRI, or catscan, something medical). I had told them and especially the ER physician, that a) she had a seizure, b) she has a history of seizures, and c) she doesn't do drugs. Even when the tox screen for her came back clean, the ER physician said "there's some things that don't show up on the screening, so it still could be Serotonin Syndrome" I didn't know that serotonin syndrome was basically an overdose of medication or drugs or alcohol or a combination of. If so I would have fought harder against this argument at the time. The ER physician never popped in for more than a solid minute at a time, and very infrequently. Most of my concerns were heard by the team of nurses. One particular nurse who I'll call Jane, seemed very frustrated with my frustrations. Whatever she did, she did so in a huff. Everything seemed to bother this woman. But she was all I had. My only connection to the doctors, surgeons, whoever is going to work with my wife who was literally dying as I watched nurse huffington Jane her way around the hospital. I was desperate. I told her full details of our history, the fact that she had both of her children at this hospital, and when I found out that they fully suspected that my wife overdosed, I adamantly, vehemently denied this to her. That's when Jane said to me: "Hey! You need to stop worrying and just Listen to the Proffesionals okay?! Trust the Professionals!" She didn't yell it so much as snarked it. Her bedside manner was nonexistent. I felt horrible already not knowing what I can do, and she slaps this mood onto the whole room as she said this. That phrase reverberates to me, even now: "Listen to the Professionals". Okay, time for some MC She said to Listen to the Professionals. But what professionals? The ones who wouldn't listen to me when I s

The Happy Marriage A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A man dies on his wedding day A man and wife are about to get married but all he can remember is lots of smoke suddenly in the church...then fainting to get up to find St Peter staring down at him with his wife next to him. He gets up to find he is at the Pearly gates, his wife tells him there was a bad fire and they both died. They talk for a bit and ask St Peter, "we are Catholics and marriage is important to us, so can we get married?" St Peter thinks for a while and says "we normally don't allow that up here but as you died on your wedding day and technically, you are not in heaven yet we will make an exception. Wait here while I find a priest to marry you before entering heaven". 6 weeks later St Peter returns with a Priest. while waiting so long the couple start to talk and think maybe an eternity married might be a long time, so ask St Peter "what if we want a divorce?" St Peter throws his arms up in the air, and says "it took me 6 weeks to find a Priest up here, how am I going to find a lawyer up here?"

In the beginning, God created the dog. He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by." The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?" God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you are to entertain and bring joy to others." The monkey replied, "20 years is a long time to do that. What if I do it for 10 years and give you back the rest of the time?" God agreed. He proceeded to create the cow to which He told, "For 40 years, you are to slave and provide others with milk and labor." The cow protested, "That's a long time to do that. What if I do half and give you back the remainder?" God agreed. He finally created man and said to him, "For 25 years, you are to eat, sleep, marry, and have fun." Man asks, "Only 25 years? That's not nearly enough time. Couldn't you give me the remainder of the time that the animals gave back?" God agreed. That is why now after marriage, we spend 20 years slaving and providing for our family, 10 years entertaining our grandchildren, and 10 more years sitting near the door and barking at whoever walks by.

Marriage is like a deck of cards At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond. By the end you just want a club and a spade

The aftermath of an Italian affair . . . For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he replied. The wife obeyed, and watched her husband as he read the card. He turned white and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs. Two without.”

The deeply religious Jim and Joan are freshly married As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him "No, that's not the right hole." "How would you know?" Asks Jim "I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done so I could stay away from it and be wise and virtuous." "Well that's weird." says Jim. "When we had that discussion, Father Henry put it in my ass."

An elderly man in Texas calls his son in New York... and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she said as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and then turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem? Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time. Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

A retired navy admiral's daughter is about to get married to a young naval officer The night before the wedding the admiral approaches his daughter. "You know I served in the navy for 40 years and the guys are great. But being out at sea for so long they get into some funny stuff. I want you to have a happy marriage but promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way you will refuse" "What do you mean? What's the other way?" "Never you mind what it is. Just promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way, you will say no" "Ok dad I promise." They hug and prepare for the big day. The young couple get married and like all newlyweds have a very active sex life. But every day the daughter is getting ever more curious about what "the other way" is. After a year, she turns to her husband and says "Honey. For our first anniversary, I was hoping we could try something different. Could we do it the other way?" Her husband looks shocked and yells "What??? And risk you getting pregnant???"

Fondling in bed After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her neck. He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hands down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?" He said "I found the remote".

Before and After Marriage **Before Marriage:** Her: Hey! Him: Finally, I have been waiting for so long.. Her: Do you want me to leave? Him: No, I wouldn't even dare think about that Her: Do you love me? Him: Ofcourse, a lot! Her: Did you ever cheat on me? Him: NO, why would you ask me that? Her: Do you want to kiss me? Him: Every time I get the chance! Her: Will you ever hit me? Him: No, I'm not that kind of a person. Her: Can I trust you? Him: Yes Her: Darling **After Marriage: Read the joke from the bottom to the top** ^^This ^^joke ^^translated ^^worse ^^than ^^I ^^had ^^hoped.. Edit: Corrected Typo (Derling --> Darling)

Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife; "We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour". His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds, "I've not put it on yet"

A professor gives his psychology class a pop quiz. . . One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy may expand up to ten times under certain circumstances?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question." The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!" Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that may expand to ten times." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you."

How do you feel about sex? An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage? Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns. Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body One guy said, "18." A French guy in the back yelled, "119!" Another guy said, "12." The French guy piped up again, "119!" A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!" The French guy shouted, "120!"

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

The Psychic Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions. In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness. The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman and delivers the grave news: "There's no easy way to say this... Your husband is planning to move all of the money in your joint account to an offshore bank, then file for divorce and marry his tennis instructor." She sighs heavily, peers again into the crystal ball, then gasps. "Wait!" she says. "You must prepare yourself. Before he can do these things, he will die a violent and horrible death." Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the psychic's lined face, then at the crystal ball, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply has to know. She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I be acquitted?"

Not a woman or a farmer, but a Polish man goes to a divorce lawyer.... A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day the Polish man rushed into a lawyer's office and asked the lawyer if the lawyer could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: *Have you any grounds?* Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. *No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?* It made of concrete. *I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?* No, we have carport, and not need one. *I mean what are your relations like?* All my relations still in Poland . *Is there any infidelity in your marriage?* We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. *Does your wife beat you up?* No, I always up before her. *Is your wife a nagger?* No, she white. *Why do you want this divorce?* She going to kill me. *What makes you think that? What kind of proof?* She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it says: **Polish Remover**

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want." The wife says, "I want 69." The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

Marriage Husband asking the wife: -Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym? *-Are you saying I'm fat??* -No, I was just thinking that we should maybe... *-Are you saying I'm lazy??* -No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that.. *-Why, you think I'm hysterical??* -No, I wasn't saying that.. *-So you are calling me a liar now??* -God no! You know what, I go alone then. *-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling... When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?' 'Well,' he said, 'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

(NSFW) Wedded bliss? A man and woman had been happily married for 30 years, and had four children. During their marriage, they always left the lights off when making love. The man had a small penis and was sure that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her instead. All these years she had no clue. One day, curiosity got the better of her and she decided to reach over and flip on the lights and she saw the dildo. She said "I knew it, you asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

Spaghetti. A man has an affaire with an italian woman, and gets her pregnant by accident. Because the man didn't want to hurt his reputation or his marriage he made a deal with the woman. He would financially take care of the kid from birth to the baby's 18th birthday if she would move to Italy and have the baby there. The woman agreed, but she asked how the man would know when the baby was born. He told the woman to send a postcard with just the word "Spaghetti" when the baby was born and he would make sure to start sending money. 9 months go by and the mans wife comes inside and mentions a very strange postcard from Italy came in the mail for him and hands it to him. The man reads the postcard and faints. His worried wife picks up the postcard which reads "5x Spaghetti, 3 with meatballs and 2 plain. Send extra sauce." (My apologies for any erroneous spelling and/or grammar.)

I’m a big Star Wars fan, so when I told my wife I wanted to end our marriage, I said May divorce be with you

Family xmas problem solved An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

A Young man was hitchhiking through the countryside... ..when it began to get dark. In the distance he could see what looked like a farmyard barn with the windows lit. After trudging across a field in the now pitch-black night, he reached the small red building. After knocking on the door a few times there was no answer, so he decided to go inside. He swung the door open to reveal a completely naked man dancing in front of a bunch of farming machinery. Slightly taken back, the hiker was able to release but a "*gasp*. What the hell are you doing?!". The man was started, as he scrambled to cover his privates. "Well, you see..." he said "The wife and I have been having some 'intimacy' issues with our marriage, and our councillor said I should try doing a sexy dance to a tractor".

Marriage is like a card game. At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She tearfully agreed, but asked how to let him know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. "Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.”

A friend of mine got married on a plane mid-flight It didn't last though. The court said there were no grounds for the marriage.

What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before marriage? Feyonce

Marriage Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night... 'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards. At first, it's all diamonds and hearts. After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

The Sex Therapist Bill and Mary were having a tough time with their marriage, so Mary asked her best friend Tina for some advice. "You should see a sex therapist!" she said. "When Fred and I started having difficulties, we went and saw this wonderful doctor. He told us to go out and buy a pack of donuts and a bag of grapes. Every donut I threw around Fred's penis, I had to remove with my mouth, and for every grape he managed to land inside me, he had to remove it with his tongue. Our sex life has been amazing ever since!" Mary thought that sounded like a great idea, so she booked in for an appointment. When she arrived at the doctors office with her husband, the nurse instructed them both to strip down, lie on the bed, and wait for the doctor to arrive. After a few minutes, the Sex Therapist walks in. He looks them up and down for a long time, and finally exclaims "I'm so sorry, I can't help you. There is nothing I can do." "But doctor!" Mary cries, "You helped my good friends, Fred and Tina! Can't you just give us the same advice?" The doctor thinks for a minute. "Okay" he says, "On your way home, I want you to buy a tube of lifesavers and a coconut"

Keeping marriage fun An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

A Couple Go on Their Honeymoon A man and his new bride check into a resort lodge in Alaska. The resort manager/park ranger checks them in, tells them to let him know if they need anything, and wishes they congratulations and a happy stay. The first night, while the park ranger is making his rounds, he sees the husband sitting out on the ice on a lake ice fishing. He approaches the man and asks him politely, "it's none of my business, but why aren't you in the cabin with your new bride... you know, consummating the bond of marriage?" The husband replies, "Well, to tell you the truth she has gonorrhea." The park ranger says oh, and is a little embarrassed so he speeds off on his snowmobile. The next night, sure enough, the husband is out on the ice and the park ranger approaches him again. "You know I've been thinking... and you *are* married now... have you considered the ol' *back door*? The husband replied, "Actually, she's got diarrhea, too." "Oh replied the ranger, and he sped off again." The third night, the ranger comes up to the man who he's sure to find on the ice with a final idea. "Listen I know about the gonorrhea, and the diarrhea, but have you at least considered oral!? "The man replied, "well, she's got pyorrhea too." The, ranger replied, outraged, "What the fuck did you marry this girl for?" The husband replied, "Well, she's got worms, and I love to fish!"

Best Friends (NSFW-language) My wife and I have been married a long time. And like many long-term marriages, ours had lost its spark. But lately things had gotten really bad. I don't know what started it - a minor insult, a careless remark, years of buried frustrations, the general malaise that creeps into a marriage when priority is given to kids and careers. Whatever it was, things were bad. We had not made love in months, nor gone on a date. We barely talked anymore. I was desperate but didn't know what to say or what to do. I was afraid we were near the end. So yesterday when she got home from work, I asked her to join me on the sofa. "You know how we always said that we were not just husband and wife, but we're best friends?" "Yes." "And how we said that the best friends part of us should always be able to talk, even if the husband and wife part of us were struggling?" "Yes." I could see her face soften a bit. "Well, I just really need to talk to my best friend right now." Her lip quivered a bit and she drew a deep breath. "Okay, let's talk." I sighed. "Thanks... My wife is being SUCH a cunt these days." EDIT: 2 words, 1 grammar-y bit.

What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

God will provide My daughter brought her fiancée home to meet her mother and me. I asked the young man, "How do you intend to support my daughter?" He replied, "Well, sir, I didn't go to college and have had trouble finding a job but I know that God will provide." I then asked, "Do you have any savings that you can live on until you get on your feet?" He answered, "Unfortunately, no sir. I haven't a penny to my name, but I'm sure that God will provide." Finally, I asked, "Can you ask your family for financial assistance to help you through the early days of your marriage?" "No sir. My family has barely enough money to pay their own bills. But I'm sure that God will provide for me and your daughter." I left him to go find my wife and report back on our conversation. "So how'd it go?" she asked. I replied, "Well the bad news is he hasn't got a pot to piss in. The good news is he thinks I'm God."

Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US? I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright

Marital Secret After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening. 'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.' 'What are they?' asked the husband. 'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.' 'And the other thing?' enquired the husband. 'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.' 'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

Three men were exchanging stories about their sexual activity with their wives. The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy. so after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. That's when she slapped me and called me a whore monger." "The same happened to me" said the other guy. "I had also drank more than I could handle, but I did what I had to do. After I fucked her, I handed her $60, she slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week" "My situation was even worse" said the third guy. "Why? How did she react?" "I had downed more bottles than usual to celebrate my wedding and couldn't think straight. So after we had sex, I gave her a $100 bill." "She slapped you too?" "No. She gave me $30 in change." Edit: You Americans are weird, but since you asked, I changed the position of the dollar sign in front of the number, instead of after where I had put it on the first place.

Spaghetti For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

Marriage Before Marriage: Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait. Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No don't even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will. Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: Never. Why are you even asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get. Girl: Will you hit me? Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy? Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling! After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)