50+ Mailman Jokes

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. *Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.* The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

"Mom, I'm dating a man." "Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood." ​ EDIT: Thanks for the gold!

My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen. Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Mailman

Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen. Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother, he says, “*I know the whole truth*.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”” Quite pleased, Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I *know the whole truth.*” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Johnny greets him by saying, “*I know the whole truth*.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug!

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced... “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

A married couple rushes to the hospital... because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it. When the birthing process starts, the doctor goes ahead and says, "Okay, let's start easy. Transferring 20% of the pain to the father." After a few minutes, the husband, seeing that his wife is still in a lot of pain, asks for more. The doctor says, "Okay, transferring 40% of the pain to the father." The husband, noticing that he is feeling totally fine and his wife is still in pain, asks for more. "Okay, transferring 70% to the father." After a few more minutes, the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, I can handle this, give me all of it." So the doctor transfers 100% of the pain to the father. The husband seems completely normal, and the wife ends up giving birth with relatively zero pain. Happily, the couple heads home. When they arrive, they find the mailman dead on the porch.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,... ...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?" "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied. "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string... And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want." She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why. He replies, "My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."

A woman was about to go into labor... when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father. The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%. 20% of the pain was transferred, but the husband didn't feel anything. He says, "crank it up, doc." The setting goes up to 40%. The husband still doesn't feel anything. He says, "I'm still okay. Crank it up, I'm sure I can handle it." The perplexed doctor raises the setting to 60%. The husband, still completely unfazed, says, "Wow. This is 60%? I don't know what she always complains about." The doctor, now beginning to doubt the device, cranks it up to 100%. The woman delivers her child painlessly, and the husband still doesn't feel anything. The happy couple go home, where they are greeted by a neighbor. He says, "You wouldn't believe what happened when you were gone! The mailman suddenly fell to the ground, screamed in increasing agony for 20 minutes, and died!"

Who Am I? One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman

Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen... Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered... A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

My mailman got a sex change. I guess you'd call him a post man now.

I told my wife the mailman claims he's slept with every woman on the block except one. She said "It's probably that stuck up lady across the street"

I'm not sure what shocked my mailman more, the fact that I came to the door completely naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

My mailman got a sex change, so now he's really a post-man; guess he had the wrong package.

A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement. He arrives at the third house where he is greeted by a gorgeous blonde with see through lingerie on. She leads him upstairs where they make love for an hour. When they're done she takes him downstairs where she cooks him a breakfast of pancakes,eggs and squeezed orange juice. As he's eating she gives him a card with $20 in it. He's overwhelmed by all this and asks why. The blonde tells him You've been an amazing mailman over the years and when I heard you were retiring I asked my husband what we should do for you. He replied"Fuck him. Give him $20" The Breakfast was my idea

My mailman got gender reassignment surgery. Now he's a post man

The boy went to say his nightly prayers.... His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa" The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence. A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the next day she is dead, and the father is starting to really freak out. A week goes by and the boy is saying his prayers "God bless mommy, goodbye Daddy" The next day the father wakes up, goes to work, and stresses the entire day about his fate. When he gets home he is upset and wants to console with his wife. She is also upset and he asks what wrong. She says "You'll never believe what happened today the mailman came to deliver the mail and dropped dead right on the doorstep"

Chuck the Mailman was retiring. Chuck the mailman, after 30 years on the same route, was retiring. On his last day, several customers on his route gave him gifts to celebrate his career. The Jones gave him a set of golf clubs, the Millers gave him a gift card for a nice restaurant. Finally he walked up to his last house. He was about to walk away when the door opened and he was greeted by a beautiful blonde in very revealing lingerie. Without a word she took his hand and led him up to her bedroom, and they proceeded to make passionate love unlike anything he had ever dreamed. She then left the room and returned with a large tray filled with a gourmet breakfast. Chuck was famished from their exertions and dug in. After a while he was satisfied like he had never been before, when he noticed a dollar bill tucked under the coffee cup. Finally his curiosity got the better of him and he addressed the girl. "Listen, this has all been so great. Beyond my wildest dreams in every way, but I have to ask: after all this, what's with the dollar?" "Well," said the blonde,"last night I told my husband that Chuck the Mailman was retiring, and asked what we should give you. He said, 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea."

Billy's dead canary Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming ..."Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today !" "What happened ?" Asked Billy's Dad. "Well" said Billy " I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canary, and she was saying 'God I'm coming...God I'm coming' and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down...he would have got her !"

"Most adults are hiding at least one dark secret!!!" At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

A man and his wife were sharing their very first wedding anniversary... (NSFW) The wife says "Honey, I'll do anything you want for you tonight" Husband replies "Nice! How about a 69er!" "I can't, I'm on my period!" "I don't give a fuck!" "Well" she says, "if you don't care then I certainly don't, let's do it." So they are going at it for a bit when the dorbell rings, and the husband says "Fuck sakes, who could that be? Go answer the door hun" She says "Fucking look at me! I'm a mess! I can't answer the door! YOU answer it!" "Look at my face! I can't go out there looking like this!" She says "Just tell them you were eating a jam sandwich and got carried away" "Alright" the man says, and proceeds to answer the door. It was the mailman. "Hi I have a delivery fo...WHAT IN THE FUCK!?" Husband says "Ohhh don't mind my face, I was eating a jam sandwich and I got a little crazy with it." Mailman replies, "Sir I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth, I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

A little boy is dragging a dead frog on a leash and goes to a whore house... He walks in and asks the head mistress specifically for a whore with an std. The mistress confused asks the little boy why. The little boy says, "well when I go home my parents will go out and leave me with a babysitter and she will have sex with me and get it, then when my parents get home my dad will take the babysitter home, bang her on the way and get it, then he will get home and give it to my mom, then when my dad goes to work tomorrow she will have sex with the mailman and give it to him and that's the asshole that ran over my pet frog.

A woman goes into labor... A woman and her husband go to the hospital as she goes into labor. The doctor tells them that they are trying a new machine that will transfer a percentage of the pain to the father. The couple decides to try it out. They want to start at 10% and see from there. The husband doesnt feel too much, so they crank it up to 20%. He is still feeling good and they decide to bring it all the way up to 50%. At this point, he is still not feeling very much pain, and he sees how much it is helping his wife. They eventually go all the way up to 100% and the child is born with no pain for the mother. The couple finally gets home and finds the mailman dead on the porch.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"

Murderous neighbor A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

A little boy walks in on his parents........ A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The dad, all flustered, tries to explain to him what was going on. -Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother?....that's what I was doing with mommy. I was putting your little brother inside mommy. The little guy seems content with the explanation, and the dad is quite proud of himself for having thought of it. A couple of weeks later, the dad comes home from work to find the little boy crying on the front steps. -What's wrong buddy...why're you crying? -My baby brother. -What about him? -The mailman came by today....AND ATE HIIIIMM!!

Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room The dogs ask each other what they're in for. The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep." The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too." The first two look at the third dog for his story. "Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the nude," he said. "Yesterday, she was vacuuming and bent over to get under the couch. I mean, I couldn't help myself; I hopped right on and had the ride of my life!" The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?" "What? No, she's having my nails clipped!"

Difference between hypothetical and reality A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?” The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.” The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!” The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.” The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!” He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

The postman retires It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill. Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?" Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."

A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier. The man agrees, so they lay him down in a bed next to his wife. The doctors tell the man that some fathers have died if the pain is cranked up too high, so the man opts to start at 10%. His wife lets out a small sigh of relief, but the man doesn't look any different. He tells the doctors that he doesn't feel any pain. A little shocked, the doctors decide to turn it up to 20%. Still, the man says he feels normal. They set it to 30%, 60%, 80%, 100%, and still the man says that he doesn't feel anything. Puzzled, the doctors just leave it at 100% and assist the man's now-tranquil wife. After the woman gives birth to a baby boy, the doctors congratulate the man for being so resistant to pain. When the couple gets home, they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

Little Billy is pulling a dead frog on a rope ... as he walks into a brothel. He walks up to the madam and says loudly and proudly, "I want to have sex with Monica." The madam says, "but you're just a boy, you can't be here." Billy pulls out $3000 dollars and says, "I am a paying customer, and I want to have sex with Monica." The madam looks at the cash and thinks that they could use it. "Okay, little boy. But why do you want to have sex with Monica? There are a lot of women here?" Billy replies, "I heard she has chlamydia." The madam starts laughing and says, "why in the world would you want to knowingly have sex with someone who has chlamydia?" Billy takes a couple steps closer, he says "well you see, my parents are going out to dinner tonight and I'm going to have sex with my babysitter. I know that when my daddy takes her home, he's going to have sex with the babysitter. Then tomorrow, he'll have sex with my mom, and then the next day, my mom will have sex with the mailman, and he's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!"

a mailman was delivering mail on Christmas Eve on his route, a beautiful middle aged woman stops him and says: "can you join me inside the house real quick?" the mailman was intrigued and follows her inside she takes him to the bedroom and starts taking her clothes off and they have sex after it's over, he gets dressed to leave and she hands him a 5 dollar bill and says thank you the mailman was confused, he asks: "what was all this for?" she says: "my husband and i were discussing Christmas gifts and i asked him if we should give anything to the mailman and he said: "ahh fuck him, give him 5 dollars"

A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby. A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby and the husband walks in. He says he's always wondered what child birth felt like. The doctor says that they are testing an apparatus that would share the pain with the father. He agrees and continues with the procedure. The doctor first puts the pain at 10% the man feels nothing. He turns it to 25% still nothing. He puts it on 50% nothing. The doctor is getting curious wondering if the device works at all. He turns it to 100% and still nothing. The mother doesn't feel a thing. After birth is all done they wrap it all up and go home. When they arrive at home, the mailman is lying on the front lawn. The mailman says. 'I feel like I've just given birth.' >I don't know if this has been posted before but this was my fathers favorite joke. Edit: Grammar n' shit. Edit 2: apparently I suck at delivering jokes.

The blonde and the mailman A blonde is sitting at home one morning when the elderly mailman comes to the door. "I hear you're retiring," she says. "Yes, ma'am. I'm turning 65, so it's time for me to enjoy my golden years." "I see," says the blonde. "Well... would you like to come upstairs with me?" So she takes him up to her bedroom where she spends an hour making passionate love to him. When they're done, she gets her purse, hands him a dollar, wishes him a happy retirement, and sends him on his way. That afternoon she's having coffee with a friend, and she mentions how she spent her morning. Her friend is aghast. "Why in the world would you do something like that?" "It was my husband's idea." "Your husband's???" "Yeah. I told him the mailman was retiring and asked if he thought we should do anything special for him. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar'."

The old mailman retires It's been 35 years that he's worked in the same area. He was well loved in the neighbourhood, so the people who knew him and loved him decided to surprise him on his last day. At one house, the whole family was waiting for him and they give the old mailman a huge gift bag. At another house, they give him a box of outstanding cigars. At the third house, he gets a lovely fishing rod (since they know he's a passionate fisherman). And so on. At one house, a gorgeous young blonde housewife is waiting for him wearing very sexy lingerie. She takes the mailman's hand with a smile, guides him to her bedroom and they make love. It's truly the most passionate sex the mailman has ever had in his whole life. After some rest, the woman goes out to the kitchen and prepares the mailman an amazing breakfast. While eating, the mailman notices a $20 bank note under his coffee cup. 'Listen,' says the mailman. 'What you gave me today is so wonderful that I can't even put it in words. But I'd like to ask, why do I get $20?' 'Last night I told my husband today was gonna be your last day,' answers the beautiful housewife. 'And I asked him what to give you. His answer was: "Fuck that guy... give him $20!". The breakfast was my idea, though!'

The Monday morning after. . . The Monday morning after a big party weekend, a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time wearing a sheet with only our Johnsons poking out through a hole. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that!" Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Horse Ride NSFW One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, sipped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

[NSFW] A husband was in the mood... And he says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for a 69er!." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. He says, "Answer the door." She says, "Look at me! I'm a mess! I can't answer the door! YOU answer it!!." He says "Look at my face! I can't answer the door!" She sneaks a peek out the window and says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

A lying neighbor A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Steve the Mailman Steve the mailman is retiring and was making his last route. The first house he stopped at a little boy ran up and hugged him. The Boy's father then handed Steve an envelope full of money and said "I hope you have a good retirement my old friend" The second house he stopped at, an older couple opened the door and said "I heard you liked golf, so we decided to get you a new set of clubs." Steve took the clubs and thanked them and went on his way At the final house on his route a beautiful woman opened the door grabbed Steve and told him she had a gift for him. They went up to bedroom and Steve had the best sex he's ever had. The next morning Steve went downstairs to the smell of bacon and eggs. He sat down and started eating and it was delicious. He looked over at a cup of coffee the woman just laid down in front of him and noticed there was a dollar taped to it. Puzzled by this he asks the woman "You know, that sex was amazing, and this breakfast is delicious, but I need to ask you, why is there a dollar taped to my coffee?" The woman laughs and says "Well, the breakfast is a gift from me, but yesterday I asked my husband what to get you for your retirement and he told me "Fuck him, give him a dollar".

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up. Man: "Son What's the matter?" Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!" Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry." The next day he comes home and his wife is crying. Man: "Honey what's wrong?" Wife: "my mother called my sister just dropped dead!" That night the man is woken again by his son screaming and he wakes him up. Son: "Dad the man in black came to me again in my dream and said tomorrow my father is going to die!" Man: "Son your aunt dying was just a coincidence don't worry about me I'll be fine." The next day the man is freaked he doesn't take any elevators, doesn't walk over any grates and jumps at any noise. When he get home his wife takes one look at him. Wife: "Honey you look awful what is going on?" Man "I have had the worst day ever I feel awful and just want to go to bed." Wife: "You think you had a bad day? This afternoon the mailman dropped dead on the front porch!"

It was a mailman's last day on his route after 30 years. He'd grown to know all the people on one particular street and felt a fondness for each of them. As he approached the first house, he delivered the mail and was greeted by a kind old woman who offered him a loaf of fresh bread and a tall glass of milk. He took the bread, drank the milk, and moved onto the next house. At the next house, he was greeted by a family who handed him a card. It was signed by everyone and thanked him for his service. A tear rolled down his cheek as he read it. At the next house, he found an absolutely gorgeous woman dressed to the nines. She grabbed him by the hand and lead him up to her bedroom where she treated him to the most amazing sex of his life. Afterward, she handed him a dollar bill and took him to the kitchen where she cooked him a wonderful meal. Surprised, the mailman asked "What was that for?" The woman responded "We heard that you were retiring and everyone in the neighborhood was doing something nice for you. I asked my husband what we should do and he said: 'Fuck that guy. Give him a dollar.' Lunch was my idea."

A judge asks a defendant to please stand "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

The mailman's last day A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds. The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing sex the mailman had ever had in his life. As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked. "Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"

A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere. The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes. Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him. Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?". The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".

Mailman's last day on the job A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs and into the bedroom and proceeds to give him the best sex of his life. After they both get dressed, she takes his hand and leads him downstairs. There is a gourmet meal prepared on the table and she pulls out a chair and indicates for him to sit down. Without a word he sits and they eat until they cannot eat another bite. He finishes eating and slumps back in his chair. The woman stands up and walks over to him, slipping a $1 bill in his front pocket. Bewildered the man finally asks "What in the world is all of this for?". The woman responds, "I heard it was your last day and asked my husband what we should do for you. He said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea".

A married couple arrives at the hospital to welcome the birth of their baby A married couple arrives at the hospital to welcome the birth of their baby. During the birth of their child the doctor offers a new method that allocates some of the pain to the father in order to alleviate pain endured during labor by hooking the husband up to a machine. The husband agrees. The doctor begins the procedure by setting it at the lowest setting to ease the father into the procedure. The doctor asks the husband how he feels, he replies, “I feel great, crank it up!”. The doctor hesitantly obliges and turns the machine on high, warning the husband that this pain could be potentially lethal. The husband still felt nothing and assured the doctor he was in tip-top-shape and wanted to continue. The couple welcomed a baby boy and was released from the hospital only to find their mailman dead on their doorstep.

Mailman's last day of work. It's the mailman's last day on the job, he goes to a woman's house and she invites him in, makes loves to him, makes him a wonderful breakfast and then gives him 5 dollars. Mailman: 'What was that for?' Woman: 'Well I asked my husband what to do for you on your last day and he said, "Screw him, give him 5 dollars." The breakfast was my idea!'

What's a mailmans favorite organ? Da Liver

My wife’s sexual fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. I think she misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.

A ten year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string... ...He goes up to the madam and says "give me the nastiest, filthiest most disease-ridden whore you have in this place. He's got the money, so the madam sends him up to a room. 10 minutes later, he's walking down the stairs, dragging the frog smiling. The madam says "kid, I've just got two questions: 1. Why that nasty filthy disease ridden whore, and 2. What's with the dead frog." The kid says "lady, listen, cuz I'm only gonna say this once...I fuck that disease-ridden whore, then I go home and fuck my babysitter. When my dad takes her home, he's gonna fuck her. Then he's gonna come home tonight and fuck my mom. As soon as he leaves for work tomorrow morning, my mom's gonna fuck the mailman...and THAT'S the motherfucker that ran over my frog!

Ooops Joe bursts into a house with great urgency Joe: "Mom! I just saw dad doing something with the neighbor lady!" exclaimed Joe Mom: "What is that?" Joe: "She was kneeling in front of him, and he was pushing that...thing into her mouth" Mom: "Well, how about you tell that to everybody at the party tonight" said mom coyly. Later that evening at the party: Joe: "I have something to say to all of you. Earlier today I saw my dad pushing his....Mom, what is it called, the thing that mailman always pushes in your mouth?"

A Woman Goes Into Labor... ...Her husband rushes her to the hospital. The delivery is taking much longer than usual and is exceptionally painful. The normal pain killers aren't working, so the doctor approaches the husband with a revolutionary new device. The device would transfer increments of the wife's pain to the Father of the child. The husband agrees to try it out in order to spare his wife an agonizing labor. The doctor starts out by sending 25% of the wife's pain over. The husband says "I feel pretty good, give me more." So the doctor sends 50% of the pain. The husband is feeling strong "I'm a man's man and 50% is nothing to me. Give me 75%!" The doctor sends over 75% of the pain. Still the husband is unflinching and strong, "Ok Doc give me all the pain, I can take it!" The doctor sends the entire 100% of the pain to the Father. The labor goes flawlessly. Both Husband and Wife feel amazing and are both well enough to leave the hospital that day and take their newborn baby home. Upon arrival they find the mailman dead on the porch.

A 9-year-old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string... He walks up to the pimp, slaps $100 dollars down and shouts "I want a girl!" The pimp looks down at the boy, slightly amused, and politely tells him to go back home. The boy then takes out $1000 dollars, slaps it down and shouts even louder "I want a girl with Herpes!" Now the pimp is really confused and conflicted. First of all, he had never seen anyone ask for a girl with herpes and second of all where did this kid get all this money. But his conscience wins out and he insists that the boy return home. The boy then takes out $5000 dollars, slaps it down and declares: "I want a girl with extra, extra herpes." At this point the pimp is dumbfounded, the businessman in him gives in and he hooks the poor kid up with his most herpes laden girl. As the boy is walking out of the whorehouse with a proud smile on his face, the pimp asks: "Why did you want a girl with herpes?" The boy replies with a coy smile: "When I go home I'm going to have sex with my babysitter. Then, later tonight, when my dad takes her home, hes going to have sex with her too. After he gets back home, my dad is going to have sex with my mom. Then tomorrow while my dad's at work, my mom is going to have sex with the mailman. And he's the douchebag that ran over my frog."

It was the mailman's lat day... ... and while going through his route, caring residents would see him and give him a gift for all of his hard work over the years. He received nothing extraordinary until he reached a house where there happen to live a very attractive trophy wife. She swung the door open upon his revival, handing him a card while ushering him inside for breakfast. She led him to her kitchen where a massive breakfast had been prepared. Since he usually ate after his done with his route was completed, and wasn't worried about being timely on his last day, he sat down and enjoyed the breakfast. Once done eating, to his disbelief, she then led him to her bedroom where she stripped naked and gave him more sexual pleasure than he had had in years. Once finished, he had to know why she would do so much for her postal carrier which is so often taken for granted. She simply explained, "Well I asked my husband what we should get you for your years of service. He said, "Fuck him, give him a card," and the breakfast was my idea."

Why did OP get fired from his job as a mailman? He never delivered.

Young Billy discovers the power of prayers One day Billy's teacher yells at him for not doing his homework. He feels upset and when in bed he prays' Dear God, please kill my teacher" When he goes to the school, he learns that his teacher passed away. He comes back home amazed by the power of his new forms of communication. Second day, his grandma eats the last piece of cake he was hoping to eat. He feels upset and later that night when in bed he prays ' Dear God, please kill my grandma' In the morning grandma is dead. He realizes that it is not coincidence. One night he wants to stay late to watch TV but his dad says no and sends him to bed. He prays ' Dear God , please kill my father'. He wakes up to and goes to the kitchen for breakfast. Only to see his dad on the table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. His mother while making omelette says ' The mailman had a heart attack last night, poor guy couldn't make it. You should call his wife to offer your condolences' *Editing is highly appreciated

Childbirth: Special Delivery A woman goes to a hospital with her husband to give birth because she is going into labor. When she arrives, the doctor tells her, "Ma'm, we have a device that will transfer pain from the mother giving birth to the father. It's incredible! Would you like to use it?" The woman agrees and they hook her up to the machine. They turn the pain transfer to 25% given to the father. Her husband says that he is not feeling anything, but the woman is feeling less pain. So, they turn it up to 50% and the husband still feels nothing. The hospital staff turn it straight up to 100% and the woman has a painless childbirth and leaves hours later with her child. When they arrive home, the woman says to her husband, "That was great! It's incredible that we both went through without any pain." As they get out of the car, the family goes to the front door to find the mailman dead on the doorstep. *

A 10 year old boy with a dead frog on a stick walks up to a brothel He knocks on the door, and the madam answers. She says "I'm sorry, we can't serve a boy as young as you here." The boy hands the madam a crisp 100 dollar bill, and she says "right this way." The madam lines up her best girls, and asks the boy to choose one. The boy asks "Do any of them have herpes?" She says "No! Of course not. None of our girls have herpes." So the boy hands her another 100 dollar bill and the madam says "right this way." They walk into the brothels kitchen, and there is a fat girl scrubbing the floors. The boy asks "Does she have herpes?" The madam says yes, so the boy hands her yet another 100 dollar bill and they go into a private room. The boy comes out 15 minutes later, and the madam asks him "I don't understand, you're so young! Why would you want herpes?" The boy replies, "Well, I'm going to fuck the babysitter, the babysitter is going to fuck my dad, my dad's going to fuck my mom, my mom is going to fuck the mailman who killed my frog."

It was the mailman's last day on the job... After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry pancakes, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming Colombian coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under her bra cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. And he said, 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.”

In the sleepy village of Erbum In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertsfordshire lives a lady by the name of Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub named "The Cock Inn". Her mail is addressed: Linda Lykes The Cock Inn Erbum Tillet, Hérts. Cracks the mailman up with every delivery.

Retiring mailman... A mailman who had delievered mail to this neighborhood was finally retiring after 30 long years. So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on. He finally walks up to a house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous, long-haired BLONDE and she is wearing nothing but this little neglegie. She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had. Afterwards, she takes him downstrairs and fixes him a wonderful breakfast. Upon finishing he sees a dollar bill under his water glass and curiosity gets the best of him. "I understand the sex and the breakfast," he says, "But whats the dollar for?" She explains to him, "Well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he said 'Fuck the mailman, give him a dollar.'

Wet Mail A man one morning walks out to his mailbox to get his mail. He opens the door, reaches in, and he can feel that the mail is all wet. He gets very upset that his mail is soggy and ruined. He flags down the mailman who has not made it very far and asks.. "Whats the deal with the wet mail?!" The mailman stone faced looks back at the man and says "It's because there is Postage Dew."

Husband is in mood for some 69.. .. wife says, sure but it's that time of the month, but if you don't mind, I don't mind. Husband says, I don't mind. They go upstairs, and start the rompity-pompity-lickty-sickity-69. Mail man shows up. Damn! bad timing! Wife, I'm naked, I can't go. Go check the door. Husband looks up, says, I can't go, I have blood all over my face. Wife says, oh don't worry, just tell him you were eating a strawberry jelly sandwich. OKAY! Husband runs downstairs. Opens door. Mailman looks at him, is aghast! :-o Husband: Oh .. uhh my face. Yeah don't worry, I was just eating a strawberry jelly sandwich. Mailman: It's not the strawberry jelly on your face I'm worried about. It's the peanut butter on your forehead!

Well, that was not good.. A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the>mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on ten percent to begin with, telling the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to twenty percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to fifty and finally one hundred percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

A married couple goes to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

A Labrador, Rottweiler and German Shepard are sitting in the waiting room of the Vet clinic... The Labrador looks over to the other two and asks "What're you boys in for?" The Rottie says "Ahh man, well for years the Mailman's been taunting me, and just the other day I found the back gate open as he arrived. I knew this would be my fate, but I couldn't help myself and I bit him in the leg. And I'm being put down today." "Real sorry to hear that." Replies the Labrador. "Similar story myself but it happened to be my owners little boy. Kept pulling my hair, kicking my legs out from under me, the works. I was pissed off and bit his little hand. Same fate for me today." "How bout you?" They both ask the German Shepard. "My owner was in the naked in the bedroom, down on all fours looking for something under the bathroom sink. I couldn't help myself, mounted her right there and had my way with her." "You're being put down for that!?" They both exclaim. "No, no! I'm just here to get my nails clipped."

Little Johnny had a coffee can The mailman saw Little Johnny sitting on the sidewalk with an old coffee can. He asked, "What do you have in that can there?" Little Johnny replied, "Dog shit." The mailman asked, "What are you going to do with a can full of dog shit? Little Johnny answered, "I’m gonna make me a mailman!" The mailman got pissed off and told a cop that there was a little kid causing trouble. The cop walked over to Little Johnny and asked, "What ya got in that can?" Little Johnny replied, "Dog shit." The cop asked, "Oh yeah? What're you gonna do with that?" Little Johnny said, "I’m gonna make me a mailman." The cop taunted, "Oh, you don’t have the balls to tell me you’re gonna make a cop?" Little Johnny replied, "Nah, I'd need way more dog shit for that."

Yep. Not sure what freaked out the mailman more - that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived.

Mom, I'm dating a man. \-Whom, sweetheart? \-Dante the mailman. \-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! \-But mom, age is just a number. \-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

A mailman, a boy, and a unicorn walk into a bar. The woman gets a concussion, some stitches, and a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

5 People on a crashing plane and only 4 parachutes The smartest person on earth The most athletic person on earth The wisest person on earth The pilot and a mailman The pilot said "I drove this plane so I should get one" then he jumps of with the parachute The most athletic person on earth said "I'm the most athletic person on earth and people need athletic people so I should get a parachute" so he gets one and jumps out The smartest person on earth said "I'm the smartest person on earth and people need smart people so I should get a parachute" then he jumps out. 2 people left the wisest person on earth and a mailman. The wise person said "I lived a good life you may take the parachute" But the mailman replied with "no it's okay we can both go because the smartest person on earth just jumped off a plane with my backpack"

I'm an adrenaline junkie and an agoraphobic. I talked to the mailman through the door once, that was a rush delivered. Edit: delivered.

Lil' Johnny at the horse auction Lil' Johnny went to a horse auction with his dad, he watched as his dad moved from horse to horse running his hands over the rump, down each leg and across their chest. Johnny asked his dad why he was doing that and his dad told him "Because I'm thinking of buying one of these horses" Lil' Johnny got a worried look and told his dad they need to go home right away! His dad asked him why? Johnny said "Cause the mailman stopped by yesterday and I think he wants to buy mom!!!"

About a boy and a frog A little boy walks into a whore house with some cash and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venereal diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho. After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venereal diseases. The boy says: when I go home, I will fuck the babysitter while my parents go out to eat. When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car. Tonight, when my dad gets home he will screw my mom. Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman. AND THAT'S THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !

Scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research... The scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research and take a vacation on their friend's farm. On their first day there, Watson and Crick take a walk around the farm. First, they notice pigs oinking like crazy when they realize the truck that takes them to market has pulled up. Next, they spot a sculpting material made of fine sediment that has just been delivered by the mailman. As they are focused on that, Watson accidentally steps into manure and is grossed out. Finally, they run into the farmer who lives on the neighboring property. The farmer, a man named Sidney, pulls a gun on them. They panic and run back to their friends house. Their friend asks, "Watson and Crick, what did you two discover?!?" Watson says,"Da hogs see ride. Oh, new clay. Ick! Ahh, Sid!"

Hypothetical v. reality A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

I guess my parents were secret agents all along. I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.

The Mailman Retires After 35 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds. When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced. When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea."

Something disturbing came in the mail today... ...my mailman.

A physicist, an engineer, and a mailman are seated together on a plane Naturally the physicist and the engineer start talking about higher mathematics and their professions and start arguing whose profession is the most important. The physicist points out the window and says "You see those wings? Without the physics of aerodynamics those wouldn't be possible." Not to be outdone, the engineer points to the cockpit and says "You see all those controls and flight mechanisms? We wouldn't even be off the ground without those." After listening to them boast for about a half an hour, the mailman says "Without the mailman neither of you would be alive."

This guy walks up to his wife one day This guy walks up to his wife one day, grabs her butt, and says "you know if this was firmer, you could get rid of your shapewear panties." His wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. The next day, the guy grabs his wife's breasts and says, "you know if these were firmer, you could get rid of your bra." Again, his wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. Later that night, they're laying in bed and the wife rolls over and grabs her husbands penis and says, "you know if this was firmer, we could get rid of the Mailman, the Garbage man, and your brother."

Little Johnny is sitting on his front porch... stirring a bucket of chicken shit. After a short while the milkman walks up for the morning delivery and asks him what he is making. "A milkman", little Johnny replies. Puzzled the milkman leaves. Soon after the mailman walks up and asks little Johnny the same question to which he replies "I'm making a mailman!" Shaking his head, the mailman walks off. That afternoon the milkman and the mailman are having lunch and discussing little Johnny's latest antics and are overheard by a cop who decides he wants to see this for himself. So he goes over to little Johnny's and sure enough, there he is still sitting on the front porch stirring his bucket of chicken shit. The cop goes over and asks him the same question- "what are you making there Johnny?' Little Johnny responds, "a milkman and a mailman!" Confused the cop asks, "why dont you make a policeman? Little Johnny replies, "I dont have enough chicken shit!"

It's the Mailman's last day of work. He goes to the last house on his route and a beautiful blonde woman answers the door in a red silk robe. She greets him with a big smile and asks if he would like to come in for breakfast. The mailman blushes and says ok why not. The woman has a whole spread waiting at the table. Eggs and bacon, pancakes, OJ. The works. She busts out some champagne and makes some mimosas. After they finish she signals him to go up to the bedroom. They make their way up the stairs to the bedroom. She gets naked and they start to go at it. A few minutes in they hear he front door open. Moments later the husband walks into the bedroom witnessing the whole scene. She hands him a dollar and the mailman grabs his pants and jumps out the window. "What the hell is going on here?" Says the husband! The wife then said "I told you yesterday it was the mailman's last day on the job and asked you what I should give him. You said "I don't know give him a dollar, fuck him".

Bush and Powell sit in a bar The barman approaches them and asks: 'Hello boys, what are you doing here?' 'We're planning the Third World War.' 'Yeah? And what's the plan?' 'We'll kill 30 million Afghans, and a mailman.' 'A mailman? Why do you wanna kill a mailman?' To which Bush turns towards Powell with a sly smile. 'See? Told you nobody would care about the 30 million Afghans!'

A father was listening in on his daughter's nightly prayers He stands with his ear to the door and hears her begin. "Dear Lord, thank you for Mommy, thank you for Daddy, thank you for Grandma, Bye bye Grandpa!" Huh? Weird. He doesn't think much about it and goes to bed. The next morning grandpa is dead in the living room. So he listens at her door that night, for surely this is just a coincidence. "Dear Lord, thank you for Mommy, thank you for Daddy, bye bye Grandma!" Ok, he's gotta admit , it's a little odd. But besides a few spooky trains of thought he manages to get to sleep. The next morning grandma is dead in her room. Coincidence? Looking less likely, and he's next on the list! Sure enough , he doesn't like what he hears that night. "Dear Lord, thank you for Mommy, bye bye daddy!" He starts freaking out. He rushes to the emergency room only to be sent away with nothing but looks of confusion by the staff. He decides that maybe he can beat it if he just doesn't go to sleep. So he stays up all night, worrying and inspecting himself, until it's time to go to work. He gets ready, exhausted, and goes to work, but as soon as he gets there his phone rings. It's his wife, saying "Honey you have to get home RIGHT NOW! The mailman is dead on the porch!

A little boy walks into a brothel carrying a dead frog He walks up to the pimp and asks to fuck the filthiest disease ridden whore there. The pimp ask why. The little boy says that when he gets home he'll fuck his babysitter who later that night will fuck his dad. The pimp shocked says nothing. The boy continues by saying that later that week his dad will fuck his mom and the next day his mom will fuck the mailman. The pimp shocked and horrified cries out. “Why would you give them all diseases!" The kid replies “That peace of shit mailman ran over my fucking frog!"

A woman goes to the gynecologist 'What is your complaint ma'am?' asked the doctor. 'Well, you see doctor, I've been getting postcards from Ecuador.' answered the woman. 'Why are you coming to me then, I am a gynecologist not a mailman?' The woman says 'That's the thing, I am getting them in my vagina.' With a puzzled look on his face the doctor examines her and says 'Nothing to worry ma'am, those aren't postcards, they are banana stickers.'

a kid is looking for a whore with aids. it takes him a while but than he finds one and have sex with her after the sex the whore asks: "i can't stand not knowing, why did you wanted a whore with aids?" the kid says: "its simple. when i come home from school i have sex with the babysitter, and when dad comes home he have sex with the babysitter, when mom comes home she have sex with dad, and when the mailman arrives she have sex with the mailman. and he is the son of a bitch who stepped on my frog!"

Why did Verizon's mailman get fired? He was losing packets.

Pregnant Wife-Dead Mailman A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home, and there, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.