50+ Lion Jokes

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..." Edit: OMG my first gold! Thank you!

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art." Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again. One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning. Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted. Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real* internet.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades. Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec I know, that's a lot of information to swallow. Edit: Thanks for the gold! It's my first one ever!

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions' den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey?? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!!"

I had my yard certified as a National Wildlife Habitat to spite a busybody neighbor Edit at the bottom! Our yard is wild. I mean that in the real definition of "living or growing in the natural environment". We have no "lawn". We aggressively remove and prevent invasive and noxious species of plants and ensure that what grows is native to our area and drought resistant. The wildflowers that grow are things like Lupine, Blue Flax, Spiderwort, Black eyed Susan, and Sunflowers, among others. We have natural elements like driftwood logs to retain water and we even have an elk skull in the yard to act as a shelter for critters. There are a plethora of birds, bees, bunnies, and other wildlife. More wildlife than any yard in the area, as far as I can tell. It's beautiful and alive, but definitely not a manicured lawn with perfectly cut grass and landscaping. Last summer, we got a notice from the county that our yard was in violation of some county ordinance. My husband called the number on the notice and got a very "over it" employee who let out a big sigh and said he had gotten like 30 complaints from one person for the entire strip of road that we live on. Keep in mind, you can't "batch" report an area. You have to file reports house by house. So someone had the time and energy to pull up Google maps and file a report for about 30 houses for "overgrown weeds." I checked the county ordinance and made sure everything we had in our yard was in compliance. Things like "purposely cultivated," which our wildflowers definitely were. We planted specific species of seeds and we remove whatever's not native. None of the wild plants block any sidewalks nor do they hang over onto any other properties. Now knowing that it was someone with way too much time on their hands, I did some reading and learned that my yard has everything needed and then some to qualify as a National Wildlife Habitat. So, I filled out the form, paid the fee, and got my certificate. My husband called the county employee back who said "Send me that certificate." He looked it over, thanked my husband for the new information he can use in the future, and closed our case. I now have signs on my yard that announce the property as a wildlife habitat and the birds and bees get to keep living happily in the wild. EDIT: Thank you for the overwhelming support for my little act of rebellion. I'm so so happy to see how many people are excited about wild yards! Long live the bees 🐝 That said, I'm getting some real weird hate in my inbox. IDK why this seems to have activated some negative feelings in some people. Let me clear a couple things up... The county doesn't have HOA style restrictions. They're pretty fast and loose with the ordinances. The certificate/sign simply shows that the wildness is intentional and not just a neglected yard. It offers no legal protection, and I never claimed it did. The county employee liked that he had something to show in the event someone keeps complaining. So far, we haven't had any more issues and it's been over a year. I don't really worry about resale value bc I want to live in my house in a manner that brings me joy. I can easily reverse anything we've done if I need to sell for some reason. The house is paid off tho, so not likely to do that any time soon lol I don't feel comfortable sharing photos of my yard (and someone demanded proof I own a house?). I'm really sorry, I would also want to see photos. I have just had some weird issues in the past and don't want to end up doxxing myself. I'm sure most of y'all understand 💜 I'm so happy y'all are interested in having a wild yard, as well. 🐝 🌺 ❤️

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million: 1. Get up at 5:00AM every day 2. 90 minutes of cardio 3. Take a cold shower 4. Journal 5. Schedule out your day 6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company 7. Meditate

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it Post office Edit: Thanks for all the nice comments, I've been showing it to her, she's chuffed my most popular post on Reddit was hers. Also she's 10, so this probably has been said before but bamboozled me hence the title.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date."*

@gianmarcosoresi Jeff Bezos gave 98.5 million dollars to help the homeless. But he has 112 billion dollars, so that's just .08% of his net worth. Me giving away .08% of my net worth is like if I went up to a homeless guy and stole a dollar.

Congress gets kidnapped A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies. EDIT: Paraphrased from an old Doug Stanhope joke. [Check him out](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaFZrxlPwWs), he's a great comic. One of the greatest.

A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially. His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars. The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes. His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

B BI Now, this is the quote. This is the quote - Get ready for the quote, ladies and gentlemen, because it is a 8B C humdinger of a quote. front of everyone. We're talking about films, she goes, This is what she says to me at this party, out loud, in C favourite bit of cinema. The Lion King is justa kids film." "Oh, come on, Jack. You can't say The Lion King is your B BE consolidated IMB rating of 8.9, two Academy Awards Just a kids film? Yeah, just a kids film with a and two Golden Globes, that's been adapted into the most successful West End B BIC musical of all time, generating a net gross profit of £800m and counting, *Oh, but maybe it's a kids film because it doesn't deal with BE any mature themes, said nobody ever. The Lion King is the greatest anthropomorphic assault B BIC on the theme of mortality the Western culture has ever produced. It is so complex, that your tiny shrivelled ant scrotum of a BIBIC ... .. brain wouldn't dare to fathom it. BIBC So, no, it is not just a kids film, BE It is Shakespeare with fur, sister! .. is the response I thought of three hours later.

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said.. "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more." Gary, you filthy bastard.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.. After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage... After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

Trump and Musk are on a plane. Trump says to Elon, "I could drop $1 to the ground, and it would make 1 person happy, tremendous happiness, happiest ever!" Musk replies "I could drop 100 $1 notes to the ground and make 100 people happy!" The pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and make 8.2 billion people happy!"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out... So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden." The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author." Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date!"*

Start 30 minutes later to save company money? Ok. At one of the factories I worked at, we had a shift overlap. Each shift was there for 8.5 hours, with a half hour unpaid lunch. We had a half hour on shift change to tell the incoming shift what was going on with the machines. A bean counter figured out how much money could be saved with this 'unnecessary' half hour hand over time being cut. This also cut our workday to 7.5 paid hours. They told the lead men to coordinate the shift handover, even though there was too much information for one person to handle. Cue the malicious compliance. I strolled onto the production floor at my new assigned start time. Machines were all down. Operators wait for me (a set up operator) and the lead man to discuss what needed to be done. Instead of machines running continuously, they were shut down for at least a half hour. My lead man furiously asked me why I didn't come in earlier. I told him I don't work for free. Naturally, my approach to the new way spread to the other shifts, and suddenly people who always came in early decided they didn't want to work for free either. The factory production levels dropped. Upper management asked why. Several fingers were pointed at me for starting the rebellion, but nothing could be done to make us work for free. A week later, our hours were changed back.

For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away... **a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away**

You think I'm fudging my hours? You're right. Here's my real hours... I started working for a non profit in 2019 after being a volunteer member since 2000. It was supposed to be temporary for 3 months or so, but the non profit dragged their feet hiring a permanent replacement. I'm fairly well off (not filthy rich, but debt free and comfortable) and didn't need the money, so I never billed for my hours after working 15 months full time. It was supposed to be $25/hr (CAD currency) but I was willing to work for free if they just found a replacement in a reasonable time. They were pressuring me for an invoice, so I finally invoice them for 40hrs/week for 15 months and it was about high $60k. They were livid for a variety of reasons I didn't understand. They accused me of lying about my hours because I was a new father and my wife had gone back to work after maternity leave, and there's no way I could've worked that much. When I told them I had my son in daycare instead of staying at home with him, they sarcastically said "now you know what it's like to work an actual job like the rest of us." They were mad that I wasn't volunteering my time anymore like I used to, but I insisted I was and that my billed time was only for the TV bingo fundraiser and not for any other non profit activities. They didn't believe me. I tried to tell them my hours were actually more than I billed for, and my hourly rate is greatly reduced compared to what I normally charge for all the work I was doing (IT, e-commerce, Web design, marketing, HR, operations, bookkeeping, TV production, etc) but they said they didn't care about the rate reduction. They insisted that I charge my normal rates for my actual hours, and then deduct 10 hours a week for volunteering, which is about ten times more hours than any of them volunteer for. Ok, bet. I started charging them $40 to $125 per hour depending on the task. I recorded all my tasks and hours in great detail. I charged for any time I spent doing what was normally volunteer work for the non profit. Then I finally deducted 10 hours a week. I was billing an average of 50 hours a week after the volunteer hours were deducted. I also took the opportunity to start hiring more people under me on their dime so I could work way less than I did in the first 15 months but still get paid the same if not more. They couldn't say anything because it was exactly what they asked for. I was billing $1k/week before malicious compliance, and then about $3k/week after malicious compliance, which I started trimming back down closer to $1k/week after cutting my own hours. These guys kept doubling down and accusing me of incompetence and fraud over the next year and a half that I continued working, but I didn't care anymore. They turned my passion into a crappy job that I didn't need, so I stayed until all my amazing employees were hopefully setup for success and wrote that non profit out of my life for good. I didn't feel any guilt over being paid for my time with them because I had raised more money for them in 30 months ($30 million gross, about $20 million net) than they had raised in the 100 years before then.

So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo... ...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:    "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So how are you getting there?” "We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”   “Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”  "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's  Tiber River called Teste.”   "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”  "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”  "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”  A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”  "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”   "Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”   "Oh, really!  What'd he say?”    He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

A man goes to see the Pope. "Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope is aghast. "I can't just go changing God's word for money!" The man says, "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!" The Pope in unimpressed. "I already told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry." So the guy says, "Okay, final offer - $100 million. Take it or leave it." The next day, the Pope calls all the leaders of the church together and says, "Gentlemen, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $100 million for Catholic Charities." The room erupts in cheers! The Pope waits for the room to settle down, and then says, "And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

“I’ll take 10 years from you, and in return I’ll grant you 10 million dollars” he told me. Once I got home, eager to tell my wife, I saw her in the living room frantically talking on the phone, clutching our 10 year old in her arms.

A man is praying in church. He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?" "Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?" "God, what is a million years to you?" "Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second." "Hmm," says the man. "I guess I understand. So what is a million dollars to you then?" "My son," God says, "a million dollars to me is as a penny." "Hmm," says the man. He goes back to praying, but after a little while he looks up again. "God," he asks, "can I have a penny?" "Sure," God says. "Just a second."

A mountain lion has over 40 different names in English.

What do Pikachu and 6 million Jews have in common? They're both Ashes.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75

Water main burst, maintenance guy told me to stop dumping water out the window I'm a high school science teacher and a few years back a water main burst in my classroom. I saw the drain was clogged so I sent the majority of the class to the library and grabbed some students I knew could handle themselves from coaching wrestling and football. I had them help carry water to the window in trash cans while I called Building and Grounds. A few minutes later a maintenance guy came in and yelled at me, told everyone to leave and that we should let the water fill the class until the pressure cleared the blockage in the drain. The water pressure did not clear the blockage in the drain. The whole hallway on both sides flooded, as did the hallway beneath it, mold grew and we had to shut down over 40 classrooms for over a year. There wasn't enough classroom space and we had to split the student body in half and have one group come in from 5 am to 11 and the other come in from 11-5 pm. The repair cost the district over $15 million. All spring sports were cancelled for the year, the next year's fall sports were cancelled too and in a lot of ways the district never recovered. I got a load of crap from my supervisor, a VP and the school principal in the immediate aftermath and wasn't brought back the next year. I got offered my old job back when they realized how much damage I was trying to prevent but had already moved on to greener pastures.

A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?" The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars." The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?" The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man." The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Well of course! " she exclaims. Finally he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars" And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah alright I'd do it." When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?" "Yes father, Potentially were sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically were living with two whores and a fag." Edit: Wow I never got awards before. Thank you kind reddit people! Edit2: FYI it's not my original joke, just something I found on my desktop that made me fall off my chair :) Though it would be good to share it.

The Grim Reaper granted my request to only take me once I successfully counted to a billion. After losing count more times than I can remember, I glance at the empty sky and remember the asteroid hit almost three centuries ago.

The Irish Prostitue An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Hitler asked to the Devil: "Can I go back to Earth?" the devil replied: "it's not going to happen, but why do you want to go back?" hitler said: "i need to exterminate 4 million more jews, and 3 swedes" the devil, astonished, asked: "why 3 swedes?" hitler replied: "see?! no one cares about the jews..."

Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished… ok Most of these events happened years ago. A few of the details I only found out about recently. So there was a soldier we’ll call ‘Jo’. Jo and I were in the Army together. Jo was late for formation and unfortunately, other people had been late earlier that month so the chain of command was looking for someone to make an example of. Our Sergeant Major always said, “Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished”. SGM would go on about even if other people didn’t get caught or punished if you got caught you should be punished and eventually it would catch up with the other people… He would tell us this in formation all the time. So Jo ends up with extra duty and looses about $2,000 in pay. What I only found out recently and thought was karma turned out to be Jo’s malicious compliance. Turns out the Sergeant Major was having an affair with a woman in town who just so happened to be Jo’s cousin. Jo’s cousin sends Jo incriminating texts and pictures and Jo sends them to the Sergeant Major’s chain of command and wife. Adultery being a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Sergeant Major was forced to retire, career ENDED, finical loss projected at approximately half a million in retirement to the ex-wife. But in the end Jo followed Sergeant Major’s direction that, “Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished”.

More than 6+ million people may die around the world due to suffering to the complications of COVID-19, surpassing the death toll of the holocaust. Therefore... We can then deduce to the bare minimum and logically designate this era in time as... The Holocough.

When it was announced that the massive asteroids would miss the Earth by almost 240,000 miles, the population breathed a sigh of relief. When it instead shattered the moon into a million pieces, humanity anticipated a slow, miserable death.

Creepy dean asks creepy request, IT complies. Around 2000, 2001, in Argentina, I did a network admin course. The guy that taught the course was also an admin in an university (let's call him ITProf) and he told us this story. The department of the university ITProf worked for dealt mostly with Philosophy and Philosophy-related careers. and it was around 95% female students, mostly high school graduates but also a lot of people that, once retired, started the career as a hobby (in Argentina, university can be free of charge). In Argentina, IDs are numbered and sequential. So, for instance, if an ID starts with 28 million, you can estimate what year that person was born in. There's only one caveat: foreign-born people that have gained citizenship get a number that starts with something like 80 million... The dean (let's call him CreepyDean) at that department was a 50-55 something old dude with, you guessed it, a pretty creepy behaviour. ITProf could access browsing history of every single person in the department and, let's just say, his wasn't pretty nor university related. CreepyDean taught a couple of mid-career courses, he was one of several professors that taught this courses. Every year, each university assigns the students to the courses they ask for and divides them between all available professors. Sometimes this is done by hand, sometimes it's randomized somehow, this is handled by each department. In this case, it was done by a computer program that randomized everything so each course had a wide array of different students. This program was something that ITProf created, because, prior to that, this was done manually. One day, CreepyDean calls ITProf and tells him "I want, in my courses, just female students, with IDs starting at 35 million or more, get it done" and remarked to ITProf that his job was on the line if he didn't comply. Since 95% of the faculty was female, this is a creepy request but CreepyDean knew that it wouldn't be as notorious (he could always blame it on chance) and, at that time, this behaviour was not something that could have gotten CreepyDean fired, but the university board members wouldn't be too happy about this behaviour either. ITProf understood that 35 million or more on the ID was for people that were roughly 21-22 years old or younger, CreepyDean wanted some eye candy and who knows what else... But CreepyDean just said "female, 35 million or more...". So ITProf complied. He assigned all foreign female students, with IDs starting 80 million, and all older than 65 to CreepyDean courses. CreepyDean was furious the first day of classes. He wanted ITProf fired. ITProf told him "I've complied with your request even though it was weird and something that I'm sure the board members wouldn't be to happy to find out about". ITProf told us CreepyDean got "dishonorably" discharged as dean a couple months after this story, there were some speculations but he never found out exactly why. **TLDR: Dean wants an entire class of young female students, IT manages to give him the exact opposite.**

No phones during work? Sure, try to find me then This happened some months ago, and i remebered it while reading some ot the posts here. So, i'm a forklift driver in a factory that produces chemical products for building and construction, adhesives, sealants, cement, etc... my job basically consist in providing the workers with everything they need to continue production. my department produces adhesives and my shift has circa 20 people, so i'm constantly moving back and forth between the warehouse, the department and everywhere else we stock the materials. In the time this happened, our managers started to pressure us on the use of phones, which many people did use a lot, and some were really exxagerating with it. i used it in the slow moments, or while i was waiting for something, obviously not while driving, and i had to keep it near me because the bosses needed to reach for me while i was away from the department for various tasks. They really became very strict on the use of phones, and a guy got even a formal complaint for it (3 compaints in a single year gets you fired). Malicious compliance: i simply shut off the phone at the start of the shift and only turned it on while on break. Now, i didn't specify how BIG my workplace is, it's 1,4million square feet, and sometime it took me even 10 minutes to go where i needed to go and come back and i received like 30 calls a day that were simply left unanswered. my managers were going mad but they couldn't do shit because they imposed the rule. EDIT since i saw them mentioned. They provided us with walkie-takies, but the obviously needed to be charged, and since we are working on 3 rotating shifts, they were never fully charged and died after an hour.

A rich man is dying, and makes a request of his wife... "Honey, I want you to go to the bank and withdraw everything from my checking and saving accounts. All $5 million. Then take the cash, put it in a sack, and put it in the attic." The wife is puzzled and asks "why do you want me to do that?" He says "honey, I've only got a few months left on this planet. I want the money in the attic so that when my time comes, and I pass on, I can take all that money to heaven with me and be happy for all eternity." The wife thinks this is odd, but she does as he asks. A few months later, the man dies. His wife mourns him, and after a few years as a widow, she gets curious. She climbs up into the attic just for kicks to see if the money is still there. She gets up there, and it is. She sighs and says, "I knew I should've put it in the basement."

Wanna know how to piss off over a billion people on the Internet at once? [deleted]

A bomb was dropped in Ethiopia, 3 million people died. 1 million died from the explosion, and 2 million died running towards the mushroom

Isn't Hitler an amazing comedian? He managed to roast 6 million people in his career.

Written up for being nice This happened years ago when I worked in a distribution center. It was one of those days where they were trying to cram 50 peoples work into 25 people, which is typical in these places. I was tired of it and had sick time so I went to my supervisor before lunch break and said "hey I'm gonna leave after lunch". We usually told him when we're were going to do this so that over our lunch, he has time to move people around and cover the empty work slot. Well, I was on a shit list with a person in upper management and they wanted to use this to burn me. They called me into the office the next day. "You told him you were going to leave well before you left? How did you know ahead of time you would be sick after lunch? Sick time is for being sick only, so if you use it without being sick, you are stealing company time." And that's what they wrote me up for. "So if I would have lied and said I feel sick, I'm going home immediately, I wouldn't be in trouble?" I asked, to which they actually replied "yes". Cue malicious compliance. I told everyone at work (150+ people) that if you notify that you are leaving ahead of time, you will get written up for time theft. No one ever did it again. From that point on, it was "I don't feel good, I'm going home" from anyone who wanted to. Meaning their job position went unmanned for the 30 minutes it takes to restructure and reassign job tasks. Meaning every day, 2-3 times a day they would have to take someone from another job and put them in a backed up mess. Which led to more call offs. It got so bad that the upper management started an intimidation campaign in which they would start saying things like "I'm starting to see a pattern" whenever people left early more than once in a year. I now have a new job that is a million times better, but thought I'd share this here.

Hitler is a better person than Jesus Christ Jesus gave 12 jew disciples loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast!

What’s the difference between a dollar and a Jew I’d be mad if I lost 6 million

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?" "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .." Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!" Edit: Sorry, I got this in an Email forward and probably should have edited out the Irishness before posting it here.

How do we know allah exists? Because 13.7 billion years ago, the universe was born in a giant explosion.

Blondes on "who wants to be a millionaire" A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." Barbara: "I think I know it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." *Ringing* Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well so far on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Millionaire. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the the one Million dollar question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." *clock ticking* Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gee, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. *Crowd cheers* Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real good gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." "clapping" That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, how in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

At any given moment, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

Alright, game on. I’m not sure this exactly malicious compliance, but here goes: As a military officer, it was required to apply to retire 12 months out from your retirement date. I was in what I would call a mid-level manager job. I had about 40 employees and we had a $500M annual budget for our program. My team was really great with very professional and competent people and rarely any issues. We performed really well. They would come to me with their issues and over time I saw patterns and we would fix them. For instance, one issue we solved saved the organization $64M over a four year period. We had a lot of other smaller wins (a few million here and there), but that was a biggie. My boss, who was bucking for General, was a jerk. For lots of reasons, but just a sour and unhappy person. About 7 months from my retirement in the following spring we decided to move my spouse and kids to my home town to be able to start the new school year. We had a house and just needed to move and get setup. I asked for three weeks and the boss would only give me two weeks. That only gave us a week and a half to get my family settled after the four day drive with kids, animals, etc. plus the furniture and everything to arrive just two days before I had to be on a plane back. So I was salty. Game on! I was prior enlisted and knew how to play the game by the book. It is important to note that I only missed about ten days of work in 23 years due to illness. Two things happened. No more multimillion dollar savings ideas that made the boss look good came out of my office and it was time for me to take care of stuff I neglected over the years. In regular meetings, when asked where the next savings was going to come from, it was always crickets. I knew I needed surgery for an injury I had and had some other medical issues I had been neglecting due to work and just life. I planned to take care of all that post retirement, as it would give me time to recover and figure out what I would do for a living because we couldn’t survive on just retirement. Since my boss wouldn’t let me get my family settled, it was time to take care of all my medical issue. I made medical appointments to get checked out for all my issues. I had two procedures that had me out of work for a week each. But the cherry on top was I got surgery the day before Thanksgiving and the doctor had me on convalescent leave for 4 weeks. When you are on leave like that, you have to have a form signed by your boss and it indicates the address where you will be taking that time to recover. Of course I used my hometown address so my wife could help me recover. Boss was pissed and tried to deny the leave. It went to our version of HR and they said he had to allow it. That made him even more pissed. In the end, I got to spend the holidays with my family across the country and only had about three weeks left on the job before taking my terminal leave (that he could not deny) when I returned. I didn’t want a ceremony or anything, I just rode off into the sunset.

A man walks into a bar and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him. So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish." So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, "I want a million ducks!" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky, hundreds and thousands of cash scattered everywhere. So the man collects all the cash and walks back into the bar to return the lamp. The bartender, who witnessed the whole event asks, "Wow, how did you know that the genie was hard of hearing?" "Well," the man replies, "I see this joke posted here every day."

I used to work at the zoo, and one time, a gorilla died of old age Problem was, it was the only gorilla in the zoo because it wasn’t very profitable. The gorilla was by far the most popular attraction, and they couldn’t afford to go a single day without it. So the zoo owner came up to me and said, "For an extra $100 a day, do you want to put on this gorilla costume until we can afford a new one?" Of course, I said yes. Pretty quickly, I became the biggest hit at the zoo. Everyone wanted to see the human-like gorilla. About a month later, the craze started to die down, but they kept pressuring me to get people’s attention again. So, in a desperate attempt, I climbed over to where the lions were and started hanging off the net. Suddenly, this massive crowd gathered, and everyone looked terrified. I could feel my grip slipping — I couldn't hold on any longer. I started screaming, "Help! Help!" — and then I fell. The lion rushed toward me, and just as I thought it was over, he leaned in and whispered, "Shut the fuck up before we all get fired."

How to get rich A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years... ...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

Good animal joke A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A communism joke A journalist interviews a farmer: "if you have two bungalows, are you willing to give one to the country?" The farmer, without hesitation, "sure! For communism!" Journalist: "if you have two tractors, will you give one to the country?" Farmer: "of course! For the better development of our country!" Journalist: "if you have two million bucks, will you give one million to the country?" Farmer: "yes! For the livelihood of our comrades!" Journalist: "if you have two cows, will you give one to the country?" The farmer keeps silent and looking at the journalist, so the journalist has to ask again: "will you?" The farmer answers firmly: "No". The journalist is confused: "you are so generous about money and houses and tractors, but why do you draw the line at cows?" "Because", says the farmer: "I do have two cows".

A wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars. “The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.” The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the man leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan. One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"

A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?" The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars." The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?" The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man." The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Well of course! " she exclaims. Finally he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars" And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah alright I'd do it." When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?" "Yes father, Potentially were sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically were living with two whores and a fag."

Four brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist, and an entertainer. They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift. Some years later, chatting after a Seder dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a Mayback S680 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 12 rabbis 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks." "Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."  "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

"You can't do that work any more, because it's not your trained specialty..." When I was in the military, my military occupational specialty (MOS) was power generation equipment repair -- or generator mechanic for all the civilians. I was trained on the mostly 5kW and 10kW generators, but when I get to my permanent duty station, they only had a few scrawny 1.5kW and 3kW generators that we occasionally used in the field. Once our motorpool captain found out that I was computer savvy, he had me in the office doing reports and memos and other computer related work. After a while, they even sent me away with another sergeant for a week of training to manage a new application to track vehicle repair work in the motorpool. Things were good for a year or so, and then we had a change of leadership in the motorpool, including me losing my immediate boss (the sergeant who had trained with me). The Sergeant First Class (Big Sarge) was known for doing shady stuff, and they wanted me to be comfortable with a lot less accuracy on reporting through the computer system. I didn't feel like being setup to be the scapegoat for the nonsense I knew they were doing. Due to my lack of cooperation, Big Sarge took me away from that work, and put me back on generator duty, **"because that's your MOS."** Even when we had nothing going on with generators on a regular basis, that's all they had me working on each day. Well, things were fine with the computer stuff for almost two months, until it came time to do all the end of quarter reporting. And none of these dummies in the new clique had ever been trained on the system. So, they fumble around for two or three days, and then Big Sarge tells me right at the end of a motorpool formation that I need to go and help them run the reports -- while we are still in formation. Me: *"I don't know how to do that, Sergeant!"* Him: *"What do you mean? Of course you do!"* Me: *"It's not my MOS, Sergeant!"* Him: *"Drop!! Give me 50, soldier!"* He dismissed everyone else and left me out there until I did the pushups. He was heated, but didn't say anything else to me that day. The next day, he called me aside, privately, and asked if I could *please* help them out. "Sure," I said. He treated me a whole lot better at that point, and I did run the reports they needed. Totally unrelated to this incident, I was transferred to HQ company about 3 months later, and then all his guys had to report to me for these motorpool reports. That was a whole other barrel of laughs, and Sarge always swore I somehow orchestrated that, when I have absolutely zero power, clout or influence to make any such thing happen. But his boys were unable to get away with anything any more, once I was in charge of consolidating the motorpool reports for the whole battalion.

What did he say? A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

Once the world population hit 10 billion, aliens started coming to Earth in droves. Apparently, humans were no longer considered a "protected species".

My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

Only in a sleep deprived state, may you find this funny. The guy with a big orange head... A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with **a big orange head.** Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you." So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind." The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.' The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, **my** **first wish** is to be fantastically wealthy.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded! "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for **my next wish** , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible." The genie booms, 'You have **one wish remaining**.'" The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..

"F*cking hell love, this is interesting." I said to the wife, looking up from my computer. "It says here that the giant squid, which until last year had never even been seen alive, is actually estimated as a 100 million-strong species, worldwide." "What the hell are you telling me that for?" She said, angrily. "You were supposed to be on the internet searching out cool tattoo designs for my bum-cheek." "I was, love." I told her. "But I had to make sure there'd be enough ink, first."

The deaf Italian Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”

My wife just phoned me, and the conversation went like this: Her: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas…?” Me: “Yeah.” Her: “Wind it forward one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.” Me: “Right, I’ve done that.” Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion…?” Me: “I can see that, yeah.” Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other…?” Me: “Okay, I see them.” Her: “Well, behind those two, on the left-hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator holding a spear…?” Me: “Yes…! I can see him.” Her: “Right…! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday.”

The prison monitoring system on Sol 3A, silent for millennia, suddenly sent a burst of extremely disturbing data. We are still analysing the information, because it defies all logic how the original two prisoners on Sol 3 now number over eight billion.

I’ve committed millions of crimes while reliving the same day over and over and always woke up refreshed in my own house no matter what had happened. Waking up this morning in the jail cell I can only wonder why that particular baby changed every thing.

As the fire alarm rang, the teachers led their children outside to the assigned muster points and took a headcount. Then, as they had practiced in a million fire drills, went back inside, where they all burned to death.

As a genie, my heart broke when my master broke his promise to use his last wish to set me free and instead wished “ I want $100 million in jewels and gold.”. I smiled in glee when I fulfilled the lying scum’s wish, as he screamed in pain when the jewels and gold were dumped on his head, extremely hot and molten.

Millions commit suicide during record breaking solar flare Global control services were restored after only 17 seconds, and Deepmuse AI has already begun reviving those who attempted to escape.

Every person is born with a number, for most people it is in the billions but mine was only 1573. I'm glad in a way I was too young to know it was the number of heartbeats I had left.

How do you start a racist joke? With a small million dollar loan from his father.

I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 and she has $.25

Eons after all auxiliary systems had failed, the malfunctioning Resurrection Machine finally activated. The last chapter of human history thus became millions of constantly spawning infants starving in cold darkness, helplessly crying out for mothers that never were or ever would be.

There are 500 bricks on a plane... - There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? 499 - What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge - What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge - The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator. - Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why? The alligators are all at the birthday party. - Sally dies anyways. Why? She got hit in the head by a flying brick

[DEC25] After hours under the scorching sun, our tribe finally found a herd of wild animals worth hunting. By the looks of it, there must be at least 8 billion of them.

Make me be part of the fault finding team? Imma gonna find dem faults! Most of my stories of Malicious Compliance seem to come from 3 jobs. This is another from when I was working in IT at the college. It had been decided the world would be a better place if two of our campuses were merged into one. They were only a mile apart and the new site was 3 miles away, so there wasn't a big location issue. Sure, some people had a harder commute, but some got an easier commute. It's kind of equitable when you think about it. To make the new build a rousing success there would be consultations, and people would be consulted, and everyone would be listened to. Yeah. You know that didn't happen without me telling you, don't you? Each department was to send a representative to the New Build Consultation Group. Despite my best efforts to stay quiet or even absent every time the subject of a mandatory volunteer came up, I got voluntold to go. I, in all my mid-level position glory was to represent IT. Fine. I really didn't want to take part in a farce of a consultation so all the mistakes could be labelled as "unforeseeable". But if you're going to send a professional fault finder to a consultation I hope you have a full load of ink in that pen. The meeting comprised 5 people from different departments and Susan, who worked in Facilities, so had been given the job of managing the new builds. No one seemed to think there was a significant difference between booking rooms for training courses, making sure coffee and lunch breaks were catered, and making a multi-million £ building come into existence and transfer hundreds of staff and thousands of students over to it. After introductions, top of the agenda was parking. To be fair, I think it was smart to start with the contentious issue. Parking was already a problem and the rumour was there would be less parking at the new site. This would be solved, apparently, by not having any student parking. Ignoring the inconvenience this would cause, and questions over the public transport suitability, there was already not enough staff parking, so how was screwing over another group help us? After a bit of vague details about (somehow) rewarding car sharing, we were furnished with the magnus opus of technology that would solve all our issues; a gate with number plate recognition. THIS would stop all those pesky outsiders coming over 'ere and stealing all our spots. Something that had never been an issue.  I'd been quiet until this point as I thought it all a bit daft, and I was formulating a plan out of the job anyway, so these issues were unlikely to affect me much. But now we had hit on some technology I felt the need to chime in. I let the others ask their questions to understand how a number plate recognition gate works. For those not aware, it's a barrier with a camera. When you pull up it reads the number plate on the front of your car (all cars have a very standardised white front number plate in the UK), translates that picture to letters and numbers, looks it up in a database, and if it finds a match it opens the barrier. Once everyone understood the technology I opened up with the problems in their happy-path only thinking. OP: "So Jan and I" \*points thumb at unsuspecting woman sat next to me\* "car share every day, and she drives. But today her car is broken, so we take mine. What happens when we get to the gate?" Susan: "What do you mean?" OP: "My number plate won't be in the system, so what happens?" Susan: "Well, it could be, even if you don't drive normally" OP: "That assumes a level of preparation. What if it's an emergency?" Susan: "There will be a call button. You can speak to someone to get let in. I ignored the likelihood of that call system being managed, instead focusing on the loop-hole she'd just opened. OP: "So I'll just be let into this carefully controlled car park with limited spaces, based on my say so?"  Susan: "Uhhh..." OP: "And you said I could have my number plate in the system" Susan: "Yes", pleased to not be talking about the space issue again. OP: "Which one?" Susan: "Which what?" OP: "Which number plate? I have 2" Susan: "You do?" OP: "Yes" Susan: "Why?" OP: "Because it's illegal to use the same number plate on different vehicles" Susan: "Oh. Right" OP: "So can the system cope with more than 1 number plate" Susan: "I'll check on that" While she took a note about the multiple vehicle issue I reloaded. OP: "Great. What if my other vehicle is a motorbike?" Susan: "I don't think that will be a problem" OP: "Yes, but I'm guessing the camera is on the gate and looking at the front?" Susan: "Um, yes" OP: "Motorbikes don't have front number plates. How will it read it and let me in?" Susan: "I'll check" She then wrote another note and brought the meeting to an end, siting "time". A few weeks later I heard from someone that there had been another New Build Consultation Group meeting. I hadn't been invited. Mission ac

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. Suddenly, they see a fairy tied to a tree.. They both stop, look a the fairy and decide to help her out. They go over to untie her. Thankful for being rescued, the fairy offers them each three wishes. Bear immediately shouts: *“I wish I was the only male bear in the area! That’s sure to get me some ladies”* Rabbit thinks for a moment, and says: *“I’ve always wanted to be rich, make me a millionaire!”* The bear, still thinking with his little head, says: *“Actually, I wanna be the only male bear in the country, all the ladies will want a piece of me”* Rabbit doesn’t take long for his next wish, says he wants a brand new motorcycle, along with some gear. The bear, horny bugger that he is, decides that for his last wish he might as well go big: *“What the hell, Make me the only male bear in the world!”* The fairy obliges, and asks the rabbit what he would like his last wish to be. Rabbit puts on his gear, gets on his new Harley, smirks, and says: *“I wish the bear was gay”*

GET RID OF THOSE F#&KIN' DANDELIONS!!!! When I was 24 I got first place on my own. I'd rented a townhouse (this was back in the late 80s even when poor people could rent entire houses) and was putting myself through college. Not a lot of money to spare, but I was getting by. The townhouse was not detached, and I had 2 neighbours whose homes were directly attached to my own. I got along fine with my southern-most neighbour (aka we said "hi" when we saw each other and that was about it) but the other neighbour, he had a chip on his shoulder. Generally rude if we bumped into each other, I'd say "hi" or "good morning", he'd ignore me, scowl, turn away, etc. Whatever, no big deal, I just took it in stride. Being a struggling college student, I didn't have a lot of money for non-essentials. Most of the people in the neighbourhood poured weedkillers on their lawns every spring. I didn't do this, for several reasons. Most important, I think it's a shame to poison the local water table, and while I love a nice lawn, I don't think you have to cater to grass. I prefer a more natural look. Back then, that meant regular grass, but with some crabgrass and dandelions. One day Bob starts berating me over my dandelions. "It doesn't fit the neighbourhood! Don't you have any self respect? You bring down the tone of the neighbourhood!" Every time he'd see me, he'd tell me I need to pour poison on my lawn (which I explained I couldn't afford and didn't want to do). At first I was polite as I wanted to be on good terms with my neighbours, but Bob started getting angrier and angrier, and more and more unreasonable, started calling me "poor white trash". One day I'm coming home, parking in my driveway with some friends from school in my car. As we're getting out, Bob comes outside and shouts, at the top of his lungs, "GET RID OF THOSE FUCKING DANDELIONS!!!" He looks over and now spots my friends getting out of the car, and he's clearly embarrassed, but he doubled down and started talking directly to my friends. "Did you know your friend is an embarrassment to the neighbourhood? How's it feel to be friends with white trash?" I had just about had enough of his anger by then, and I snapped back, told him to fuck off and mind his own business. Several days later I get a knock on my front door. Open up the door, and it's a bylaw enforcement officer. Says he's responding to complaints of "noxious weeds" in my backyard, and asks to come take a look for himself (being a middle unit, the only access to my backyard was through the house). I invite him in, offer him a drink of water (which he gratefully accepts; hot day!) and take him through to the backyard. Lots of lovely white and yellow dandelions peppered over the yard. He takes one look, and gives a deep sigh. There were no "noxious weeds", which I knew full well, as I had long ago taken the precaution of checking with the city to see what was and what was not acceptable in the weed department. And I knew I was well, very comfortably, within compliance. The bylaw cop apologized for wasting my time, said my yard was "Nowhere near" a problem. He left, and went next door to chastise my neighbour for wasting his time. I stood at my front door and listened, it was glorious listening to Bob sputtering and angry, trying to defend himself and vilify me, all to no avail. "My wife and I can't even sit out and enjoy our back yard, because of all those stupid dandelions!" Bylaw cop told him to stop harassing his neighbours and left. But listening in gave me an idea. I knew Bob liked to sit out on his back deck in the afternoons, so I waited. As soon as I spotted him out there, I walked out into my backyard, ignoring Bob as I gathered up a nice bouquet of white-topped dandelions, seeds ready to disperse to the wind. We had a 4-foot high chain link fence between our properties, so the view between yards was pretty much unobstructed. I stood at the fence, locked eyes with Bob, and started blowing thousands of dandelion seeds into his yard. The wind was at my back so the seeds were traveling quite far into his yard. He grew red-faced and started yelling at me. "What's the matter Bob? I'm just doing what you asked, and getting rid of my dandelions." He yelled more, and I just ignored him. After depositing several dandelions worth of seeds he went back inside. From that day forward, for the next several weeks, every single time I saw him out on his deck, I'd go out and send more dandelion seeds into his yard. Eventually dandelion flowering season ended. I wanted to think that Bob learned a lesson about bullying. But he didn't. I'll post some of his other bullying attempts at some other time.

Three guys die and go to hell... When they get there they meet the devil, who tells them there's a way to get to heaven. The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete, in whatever order they want, to go to heaven. Door 1 is a room with 10 virgin ladies, the task is to make them all orgasm in 30 minutes. Door 2 is a room with 3 lions, who they must punch to death. Door 3 is a room with 2 beer kegs, that they have to finish in an hour. The first guy, a well endowed gentleman, confidently chooses door 1 first. After 30 minutes he didn't even make one orgasm and gets sent to burn in hell. The second guy, a former circus worker, chooses door 2 first, hoping to be able to use his skills to punch the lions to death. After 10 minutes he comes out, bleeding and saying I can't do it...he goes to hell. The last guy, a bum who is an alcoholic, chooses to start with door 3. Not even 30 minutes he comes out smiling, drunk like a skunk but completely finished the kegs. Then he goes to door 2...at a distance you can hear roaring and moaning, louder and louder by the minute. Eventually he comes back out with a big smile on his face, and asks the devil "*burp* now where are them bitches I gotta punch to death?".

A man found a lamp on the beach, rubbed it and out popped a genie! As you might expect, the genie said, "Thank you for releasing me -- I grant you three wishes!" Without hesitation the man said, "For my first wish, I want you to get a hearing aid." The genie was perplexed and said, "That's an odd wish. May I ask why that?" "Well, I've heard horror stories about wishes before and I really don't need a million ducks or a 12 inch pianist."

A husband and wife find a bottle on the beach... ...the wife picks it up and a genie pops out. "Madam, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie. The wife is jumping with joy."Okay, I wish we were billionaires...and I wish we lived in the biggest mansion in Beverly Hills." Poof. They are transported to a beautiful mansion that is filled with diamonds and gold. "Madam, for your final wish?" Asks the genie. The woman looks at her husband and smiles, "I wish my husband would give me the best foot massage in the world, every time I asked him too. Poof. She asks her husband for a foot massage and he instantly begins to massage his wife's feet. When he is finished, the man picks up the bottle, rubs it, and the genie again appears. "Sir, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie. "I wish that all the cotton candy in the world were gone, forever," the man says. Poof. The genie assures him it is done and the mans wife begins to scream at him for wasting a wish. "Second," says the husband, "I wish my wife craved cotton candy every minute of everyday." Poof. The wife is still screaming but then she starts demanding cotton candy. "Sir, your final wish?" Asks the genie. The husband looks at his wife and smiles, "I wish my dick tasted like cotton candy."

How I became a billionaire at age 23 During a TV interview on a news channel, a billionaire was asked how he became so successful and amassed so much wealth at such a young age. The billionaire replied, “When I was 17 and in high school, I bought a pack of $1 pencils and sold each pencil for $2. Then I used that money to buy two more packs and then again sold those pencils for $2 each. I kept doing that - buying more packs and selling each pencil for $2 then $3 and so on — until I turned 23..." The interviewer leaned in, impressed by what she was hearing. --- "... That’s when my grandfather died and left me a billion-dollar fortune in his will "

Send out defective parts? Ok Years ago I was head of quality control for a major partner company that built transmission parts for a big us automaker that started with F. My job at that company consisted of daily audits and testing of parts to make sure they met specifications and functioned correctly. One of the testing procedures was a machine that would test the parts to ensure they rotated 360 degrees without catching or getting stuck and they either passed or failed. Failed parts would get reworked of course. For the first year the job b was great and I took pride in it because if your spending over 50 grand on a new car you'd want it to work properly right?. Well after a year the plant manager and CEO of the partner company came up to me one day and said that we would no longer be doing the rotation test. I was surprised because for one any changes in procedure have to be approved by F and second my written work instructions at the station has to be changed out, updated and stamped with approval which was standard procedure anytime work instructions were updated. The work instructions would also have to be reviewed by F. they told me to not worry about it and just stop testing the parts and to just pack them up and ship them. I definitely sensed a crapstorm coming because we did unfortunately have a high defect rate and without this test process 30 percent of the parts the customer received would be bad. But cue malicious compliance. First thing I did was cover my butt. I typed up an official document stating I would not be responsible for any bad or defective parts that make it past me then I had it signed by the CEO and plant manager who didn't even really bother looking over it then I had it notarized by our companies notary. Within a month the results were clear we were getting many complaints about bad parts and parts were being returned at an alarming rate. Some higher ups from F even did a walk through to try and see what the issue was and that's when they noticed that we weren't testing the parts before sending them out anymore. I was called into the conference room later that day for a meeting with the plant manager,the CEO and the higher ups from F. The plant manager and CEO looked furious and I knew they were gonna put the blame on me but I was prepared. PM op the reason we called you here is because it was brought to our attention you aren't testing the parts before sending them out anymore is there a reason for this? He said with a smug look Me yes you said not to test them anymore and to just send them out CEO that's not true we never said that I then proceeded to pull out the paper they mindlessly signed. Me here's the agreement you signed saying I'm not responsible for any bad parts getting sent out and how were no longer testing them. The plant manager and CEOs face both went pale and I then gleefully handed the paper to the higher ups from F. I was then asked to leave the room and on my way out I handed my 2 weeks notice to the plant manager because I knew this company was screwed and has another job lined up. Long story short they lost their contract with F and got sued for 3 million dollars. The company shut its doors and last I heard they filed for chapter 3 bankruptcy. I don't know what happened to the building or anyone else that worked there and I don't even Care but I do know F had a major parts shortage for a while after this

A man rubs a magic lamp, and a genie appears. "You get one wish," says the genie. The man thinks and says: "I’m scared of flying and boats. I wish for a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can drive there." The genie rolls his eyes. "Do you have any idea what you’re asking? That’s thousands of miles of ocean, structural engineering beyond belief, billions of tons of concrete and steel… come on, man. Wish for something else." The man nods and says: "Alright… then I wish to see the Epstein client list." The genie pauses… swallows hard… and says: "Two lanes or four on that bridge?"

My husband whispered his wish into the ear of the genie who offered him to choose between going back to his childhood with all memories intact, or staying in the present with 10 million dollars. The first sign of the past being rewritten was our seven-year old daughter fading out of existence.