50+ Librarian Jokes

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet." "Yeah, that's the one!"

Boss said I must use my vacation before month end but also “no one can take time off”, so I read the policy Company sends a shiny HR email, subject line all caps, USE IT OR LOSE IT. We had to burn our remaining PTO by the 30th or it evaporates into the sun. Same day, my manager announces in standup that due to quarter end “no one can take time off until the 1st.” I asked how to reconcile that, he shrugs and says talk to HR. HR says talk to your manager. Cute loop. So I opened the handbook, because I am a petty librarian when annoyed. Page 14 has this little sentence I never noticed. “PTO requests not explicitly denied in writing within 48 business hours are considered approved.” There is also a note that partial day PTO is allowed in 1 hour blocks. Thank you, legal team. I submitted ten separate requests. Two hours every morning next week, two hours every afternoon the week after, a random Friday 3 to 5 to watch a plumber, and one full day to visit my mom. I sent the requests in our HR portal, which auto emails the manager and CCs a shared mailbox nobody watches. Then I went back to my tasks and set reminders. Forty eight business hours pass. No denial. The portal changes each request to approved, green checkmark, confetti gif. Monday comes and at 9.58 I put a cheerful note in the team chat. “Heading out, see you at noon.” Manager pings me to hop on a client call, I reply with a screenshot of the policy and the portal approval. Silence. Then three dots typing, then nothing. By Wednesday our calendar looked like cheese. Half the team remembered they also had PTO sitting around and started filing it in little blocks. Meetings kept colliding with green bars. Finance realized that if we did not use the days now, they would be paid out at separation later, which they hate. HR wrote a new post saying we should “coordinate” but that approvals already granted stand. My manager called a huddle to ask why productivity dipped. I said we are following HR’s instruction to use PTO. He said he meant in November. I sent him the original email timestamped this month. He sighed and said he never thought anyone would actually read the handbook. I used every hour, took my mom to lunch, and my plumber fixed the cursed sink at 3.40 while I drank tea. Next week a new policy appeared. PTO must be requested in full day increments during quarter end, and managers must respond in 24 hours. Thanks for clarifying, truly.

Four Surgeons Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded." The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest: “Forgive me father for I have sinned”. “What have you done?” asked the priest. “A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping. “Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest. “But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried. “Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest. “Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried. “Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest. “So what should I do father?” the man asked. “Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Then the librarian told me to take it out.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: "fuck off you wont bring it back".

The memo said we must give a printed receipt for EVERY library checkout, so I did, until we ran out of paper I work at a public library and most days are calm, even when it’s busy. Last month someone higher up sent out a shiny new "accountability" memo that said every single checkout must include a printed receipt, no exceptions, no asking the patron, no email option unless they request it after you print. The memo literally said it reduces disputes, and if a patron refuses the paper you still print it and discard it yourself for "audit consistency." We all kinda rolled our eyes, but i decided fine, i will follow it exactly because i am not getting blamed later. The next Saturday we had a line out the door, strollers, seniors, kids, everyone, and i printed a receipt for every checkout even when people said "no thanks." I didn’t speed print either, because the policy also said to highlight due dates and verbally confirm them, so i did that too, every time. One guy checked out 47 items for a book club donation sort, so i printed two full pages of receipt, highlighted, confirmed, stapled, and then put the duplicate copy in the "audit tray" like the instructions told us. Another patron asked why i was throwing paper straight into recycling and i just said "new rules, sorry," because i wasnt gonna editorialize. By noon we had burned through two rolls of thermal paper and the printer started doing that faint stripe thing, which means it’s about to jam and need a reboot. So i logged a supply request, and kept printing anyway, because the memo didnt say to pause for "common sense." The line got slower, people got cranky, and we ran out of paper completely, which meant we couldnt check anything out at all because the receipt screen blocks the checkout until it prints. The fallout was immediate: the childrens librarian had to cancel a storytime giveaway, the holds shelf was overflowing, and the director got a call from the city office because someone complained they drove 30 minutes and couldnt borrow books because "the printer was empty." Monday morning we got a follow up email that receipts are now optional again and "please be mindful of waste." I kept the original memo in my drawer, just in case they forget how we got here.

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

So a chicken walks into a library and says, "bock". Sounding like "book", the librarian hands him a a book. He takes it and goes merrily on his way. Then the next day ... The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows him to see what he's doing with all these books. There is a frog sitting across the way that the chicken takes the books to. The librarian, confused but curious, continues to follow the chicken. The chicken approaches the frog, says "bock bock bock bock bock", places the five books into the frogs hands. The frog responds by tossing each book aside one by one, "reddit reddit reddit reddit reddit"! **Honest question:** Is this jokey enough, or do I need to take my bullshit to dadjokes?

I'll have you know that my penis was once in the guinness book of world records... But then the librarian yelled at me and made me leave the library.

The librarian NSFW A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises... The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet." I said, "Yes, that's the one."

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

My dick was once in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me to take it out.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia and she whispered "They're behind you."

[NSFW] So my penis was in the guiness book of world records... Till the librarian asked me to take it out.

A man walks into a library ... A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one!"

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records, but then the librarian told me to take it out.

The length of my penis was in the Guinness Book Of World Records Untill the librarian told me to take it out

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records... ... until the librarian kicked me out.

A drunk walks into a library... He goes up to the desk and slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake. The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library! ***whispers*** Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.

A man goes to a library and asks if they have a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke" The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library". The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar... discussing which people are their favorite to operate on. The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why. "Well," he begins, "I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabetical order." The other two slowly nod in agreement. "My favorite kind of patients are electricians," the second blurts out. "Why?" the others ask in tandem. "All of their innards are grouped together and color coded." All three nod before all eyes fall on the third surgeon. The third muses for a moment before he says, "Lawyers." "Lawyers?" the other two ask incredulously. "Yup, they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

Three surgeons... ...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded." The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."

Guy walks into library and asks the librarian... "do you have the book for men with a small penis?" She replies "I don't know if it's in yet" "yeah, that's the one "

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library." The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

A chicken walks into a library... ... and goes up to the librarian at the front desk. **Librarian**: *Can I help you?* **Chicken** (stares at her for a minute, then says): *Book!* The librarian is confused, but gives the chicken a random book, who looks happy and leaves. The next day, the chicken returns looking a bit irritated, and returns the book. **Librarian**: *Oh, hi. Can I help you again?* **Chicken**: *Book book book!* The librarian is still confused, but gives the chicken three random books, which it takes under its wing and goes on its way. The next day, the librarian sees the chicken come back to the library again, returning all three books. Before she has a chance to ask anything the chicken clucks: **Chicken**: *Book, book book book, book!* Taken aback, the librarian gives the chicken five more books before it leaves. But the librarian is curious about what exactly is going on here, so she takes her break and follows the chicken out of the building. Eventually, she sees the chicken go into a house, so the librarian sneaks up to the window and looks inside. There, she sees a sick frog, with a cast on its leg, resting in bed. The chicken suddenly comes into the room, gives the frog a hug, and hands over the books it got from the library. The frog then takes a glance at each book, but looks bored and says: **Frog**: *Reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit*

A blonde goes into a library. She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please." The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?" "Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"

Believe it or not but my penis was once in the book of Guinness World Records. The librarian got pretty pissed though and kicked me out.

A chicken walks into a library... ...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook, book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book. Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book, book book." The librarian thinks what the hell and grabs it Of Mice and Men and the hen leaves. Next day sure enough the hen is back, book in beak, "book book boooook." Atlas Shrugged. "Book, booook." Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. "Book book."... you get the idea. This goes on for about a week until the librarian gets curious enough to follow the chicken and find out what's happening. So the next time the chicken comes in the Librarian books out one of Proust's works to slow it down down and follows the hen trying not to be seen. All the way past the outskirts of town, down over Old Farmer Giles' twisted stile. Through the Sweeping Woods and upto a pond, where the chicken shows the book to a frog, which replies. "Reddit."

A man goes to the library... and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.... She whispered, 'They’re right behind you.'

I asked my students what their parents do on Career Day. "My mom is a librarian." Says John. "That's very nice John. What about you, Ryan?" I said. "My dad runs the prison." Ryan says. "That's great. Is he the superintendent?" "No, he's just the hardest motherfucker in there."

My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once... But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out!

So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles "Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."

A guy walks into a library and says: "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke." The librarian looks at the man and says: "sir, this is a library." The guy apologizes and whispers: *"I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke"*

My dick was in the Guinness book of records... Until the librarian throw me out.

I went to a library and asked for a book on suicide The librarian replied "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

A chicken goes into the library. A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book." The librarian says, "You want a book?" "Book" "Any book?" "Book" So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book." The librarian says, "Now you want two books?" "Book-book." So she give a chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but again comeback an hour later. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and finds out what is going on? And the chicken crosses the road, goes down the alley, out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bull frog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says, "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit..."

A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."

my penis was in the guinness world records book then the librarian told me to take it out

Three Doctors Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.” I froze. Looked over my shoulder. They were indeed in the section right behind me!

A man walks into a library... A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please." The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library." The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."

English puns. She fell in love with a Banker but he showed no lnterest. She fell in love with an Astronaut but he wanted Space. She fell in love with a Gym trainer, but it didn't Work out. She fell in love with a Librarian, but his time was always Booked. She fell in love with an Electrician but for him there was no Spark. She fell in love with a Cardiologist but he broke her Heart. She fell in love with a Geologist, but the relationship was too Rocky. She fell in love with an Economist but he couldn’t supply her Demands She fell in love with a Violinist but he said, "No Strings attached." She fell in love with the Linguist but he left her Speechless She fell in love with a Seismologist, but he was always finding Fault. She fell in love with a Cook, but he left her on the back Burner She fell in love with a Mathematician but she couldn't Count on him. She fell in love with a Scuba diver--on the surface everything seemed to be fine, but Deep down she knew something Fishy was going on ... She fell in love with a Fisherman, but he wasn't a good Catch. She fell in love with a Mason but they never built a strong Foundation. She fell in love with a Teacher, but he had no Class! She fell in love with a Tennis player but Love meant nothing to him. She fell in love with the Magician but he kept turning Tricks. She fell in love with a Lawyer but he never took her to the Bar She fell in love with a Recovery agent and he Seized her At last she fell in love with an ED officer and got Attached 🤣

A man walks into a library A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?” The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.” “Yeah that’s the one”

A man walks into a library and asks "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one."

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

a chicken goes into a library goes right up to the librarian and says "Bawk". the Librarian is surprised at the weird chicken and has no idea what to do. the chicken repeats "Bawk" and points to a book. the shocked librarian gives him a book and the chicken leaves. the next day the chicken returns and says "Bawk Bawk", get 2 books, place them under his wing and leave. on the third day he returns and says "Bawk", this time the librarian is so curious he follows the chicken. they both arrive to a pond with a frog sitting in the middle on a leaf, the Chicken holds the book infront of the frog and says "Bawk". the frog says "Reddit" sorry for my bad english, not my primary language. extra relevant because has the word reddit in it

So I ask my local librarian... If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.

A BLONDE'S THEFT A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it." The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

When asked how it felt to be the prison librarian, I said it had its prose and cons.

A man goes to the library A man goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide, the librarian turns around and says "fuck you, you wont bring it back"

A man goes into a library asking for a book on suicide... The librarian says "F*** off, you won't bring it back."

an walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"

midget in the library midget walks into a library and ask do you have any books on irony? the librarian replies sure they are on the top shelf

How is a librarian like a sex addict? Their favorite past time is between the covers.

A teenager walks into a library. He asks the librarian, "Where can I find a book on how to kill myself?" The librarian retorts, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

A chicken crosses the road... A chicken crosses the road to go to the library. It walks inside and says to the librarian, "book" The librarian says, "You want a book?" "Book" "Any old book?" "Book" The librarian gives the chicken a novel and off It goes. A couple hours later the check comes back and says, "Book-Book." The librarian says, "Now you're telling me that you want two books?" "Book book" She gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves again only to come back one more time saying. "Book book book" "Three books?" "Book book book" The librarian gives the chicken three more novels. At this point, the librarian's curiosity is piqued so she decides to follow the chicken to see what's going on. She trails the chicken as it leaves the library, goes down the road, out of town, into the woods and down to a swamp where there is a bullfrog. The chicken hands the books to him. The bullfrog looks at the novels and says, "Reddit reddit reddit"

Library joke Why are librarians so lonely? They're always by them shelves Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold

Why did the librarian hush the mime? Because actions speak louder than words.

A conversation between a cobra and a librarian -Shhhh -Shhhh -Shhhh -Shhhh

the library A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.' But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

I used to date a periodicals librarian… …but we broke up because she had too many issues.

A blonde walks into a library She goes up to the librarian at the counter and says, "Hello, can I get one cheese burger with a side of fries?" The librarian, with a confused look, responds, "Sorry but this is a library." The blonde pauses for a few seconds. She then whispers, *"Can I get one cheese burger with a side of fries please?"*

I walked in to the library today... and asked if they had the new book on tiny penises. The librarian responded "I don't think it is in yet." I said, "That's the one."

A man walks into a library and screams at the top of his lungs, "I’LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES, PLEASE!" The librarian looks at him with the cold, dead eyes of someone who stopped feeling joy during the Reagan administration and says, "Sir, we don't serve food here. This is a municipal building for books. The man realizes he is having a severe manic episode triggered by a chemical imbalance in his brain. He sits down on the floor, begins to weep uncontrollably, and is eventually forcibly removed by security while he soils himself. He is later diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and never visits a library again.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

My penis was once in the Guinness Book of World Records. Then the librarian told me to take it out.

I have you know that my penis was once in the Guinness book of world records... but then the librarian yelled and told me to leave the library.

A guy walks into a library... and says to the librarian, "I'll take a hamburger and fries." The librarian looks at him and says, "This is a library, you idiot." The man says, "Oh sorry!" and whispers, "I'll take a hamburger and fries."

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

Some surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work... The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangeable."

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Until the librarian screamed at me to take it out.

A man enters a library A man goes to the library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds "Fuck off, you're not gonna bring it back."

A man walks into a library and asked the librarian "do you have any books for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one."

A midget walks into a library. A midget walks into a library and gets the woman working at the desk's attention. "Excuse me," he says. "I was just wondering if you had any books on irony?" "We do," the librarian responded. "It's on the top shelf."

When I asked the librarian if they had any book on paranoia, he whispered “they’re right behind you”

Guinness book of world records I use to have my dick in the Guinness book of world records, but then the librarian told me I had to leave.

Three surgeons are discussing Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The 1st surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." The 2nd surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order". The 3rd surgeon shuts them all up when he says, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the rear end are interchangeable."

A man walks into a library... A man walks into a library and says to the librarian "can I have fish and chips please". The librarian looks at him very confused and replies " sorry this is a library". The man whispers "can I have fish and chips please"

A man walks into a library.. ..., leans in close to the librarian, and asks quietly "do you guys have the newly released book about how to deal with a small penis?" The librarian replies "I don't know if it's in yet.." The man nods his head and says "yeah, that's the one."

Little Timmy came home from school one day... Little Timmy came home from school one day, looking as happy as can be. His mother, curious of his new found contentment, said "Hey Timmy, how was your day? Anything exciting happen?" Timmy replied," Mom, I became a man today!" His mom said, "What do you mean?" Timmy then said, "I had sex with my librarian!" Timmy's mom was in shock. She yelled at him and told him to go up to his room until his father came home so he could reprimand Timmy. Timmy, still happy with his accomplishment, went up to his room. When Timmy's dad finally came home three hours later, he went up to Timmy's room to ask what happened that made his wife so upset. Timmy said, still joyfully, "I became a man today! I had sex with my librarian!" His dad looked over his shoulder, then patted Timmy on the back and said, "Good job son. Here, lets go buy a bike for you. What do you think about that?" Timmy then said, "I don't know. My butt still kind of hurts."

I asked a librarian About some books about Pavlov's dogs and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rings a bell, but doesn't know if it's here or not.

The Librarian & The Chicken - Finally found a place to tell this joke. Librarian is working at the checkout desk when a chicken walks up and say "Book, book". The Librarian looks around and thinks someone is playing a practical joke on her so she decides to play along and picks out a couple of books for the chicken. Chicken takes the books and walks out of the Library. A week later the same chicken returns the two books and says "book, book". The Librarian again gives the chicken a couple of books to read and off goes the chicken. This goes on for about a month before the Librarian finally decides to follow the chicken and see where it's going with the books. The chicken walks out of the library, across the road (I know right?) and off into a little patch of woods with the Librarian trailing behind. The Librarian follows the chicken to a little opening in the woods next to a small pond. Sitting up on a giant log is a bullfrog. The chicken walks up to the bullfrog and drops the books on the ground. The bullfrog looks down at the books and says "reddit, reddit".

Two Chickens walk into a library... ...and walk up to the desk, where they say "Buk Buk Buk!" So the Librarian gives them three books. A while later the Chickens come back, looking slightly frustrated. They go to the desk and say "Buk Buk Buk Buk Buk!" The Librarian gives them five books. Again, the Chickens come back and ask for seven books. The Librarian, now quite confused, follows the Chickens as they leave with their books. They arrive at a park, where she sees the Chickens throwing the books at a frog, who says "Reddit, Reddit, Reddit."

A hen walks into a library... ...and says, *"Book!"*. The librarian finds this odd, but gives the hen a book of their choice anyway, and the hen leaves. The next day, the hen comes back and says, *"Bookbookbook!"*. The librarian, still dumbfounded, gives the hen three books and the hen leaves again. The next day, the hen returns and says, *"Bookbookbookbookbook!"*. The librarian gives the hen five books but now, since curiosity's got the better of them, follows the hen... to a house. The librarian looks through the keyhole and sees the hen sitting with a frog, who's got a thermometer in his mouth and is obviously unwell. The hen, tending to her friend the frog, hands the books to the frog, who looks over each of the books and says: "Reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit...". [Source!](https://www.comedy.co.uk/guide/tv/qi/episodes/6/10/)

A Blond walks into a library A blond walks into a library and says "can I get some cheeseburgers?" The librarian says "this is a library" So the blond apologizes and whispers "can I get some cheese burgers?"

"What time does the library open?" The man on the phone asks. "Nine AM," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine AM?" The man said in a disappointed voice. "No not till nine!" The librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine?" "Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out."

A guy goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian looks at him and says, "Fuck off, you won't return it!"

Hey ! This is the Library! Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.” Librarian responds, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?” Guy says, “Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

A man's penis enters the Guinness Book of Records... then the librarian told him to take it out.

A german walks into a library and asks for a book on war The librarian replies "No mate, you'll lose it.

Barnyard Literacy So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book." The librarian says: "You want a book?" "Book." "Any book?" "Book." So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book" The librarian says: "Now you want two books?" "Book-book." So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but she comes back soon. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on. The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him, and he looks at them and says: "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit."

A person walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for guys that have small penises?" The librarian says, "I believe that isn't in yet." "Yeah, that's the one!" the man replies.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.... When the librarian saw me, she called the police.

So a chicken walks into a library Strolls up to the desk and requests 3 books. The librarian thinking nothing of a talking chicken obliges and the chicken goes on its way. The next day the chicken returns and asks for 5 more books. Bemused, the librarian agrees and the chicken goes on it's way once more. An hour later the chicken returns and asks for 10 more! Finally the librarian bites and asks the chicken why it needs so many books, to which it replies: "I'm loaning them for my friend the frog, but whenever I show him one all he does is pause and say '...reddit'"

An old man walks into a library and talks to the librarian Old Man: Excuse me miss, can I have a chesseburger and fries please? Librarian: SIR! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE YOU ARE? THIS IS A LIBRARY! Old Man: O, well, (whispers) *can I have a cheeseburger and fries please?*