50+ Koala Jokes

A Koala is sitting in a bar... A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says "hey, you wanna get outta here?" "Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her hand and led her out of the bar. The moment they get into her apartment he immediately pulls her skirt down and starts going down on her. After about 15 minutes the Koala gets up and starts walking around. "what are you doing?" the woman asked. "Oh, I'm getting my stuff and going back to the bar" the Koala replied. "You have to pay me first!" the woman shouted. "What!? Why?" the Koala asked. "Because I'm a prostitute!" the woman said angrily. "What's a prostitute?" he asked The woman grabbed a dictionary from the bedside table and threw it at him. He opened it up and found the word: Prostitute: A person who offers sexual activity in exchange for payment. The Koala snapped the dictionary shut and angrily shouted "Well yeah bitch, I'm a Koala!" "What the fuck is a Koala?!" she barked The Koala threw the dictionary back at her and she opened it up to the K section. Koala: Eats bushes and leaves

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?" The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the crocodile asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?" The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The crocodile has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the crocodile looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you." The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint... when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?" The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?" The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you." The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

An Aussie favourite. So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest, he looked up in the tree and saw a koala smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, so he scurries down the tree and over to the pond where there was a crocodile waiting. The crocodile says "woah man, what are you doing drinking from the pond?" "Well I smoked a few joints with this koala and I have really bad dry mouth," the lizard responded. In shock, the crocodile says, "fuck me, there's a weed smoking koala? I have to see this!" So the crocodile climbs out of the pond and walks over to the tree where the koala has smoked 4 or 5 more joints since the lizard left. The crocodile says, "Hey mate, what are you doing up there?" The koala looks down in shock and says, "Bloody hell mate, how much fuckin water did you drink?"

Piano is one of the hardest instruments to pick up. Original post from u/bonjourkoala on r/3amjokes

Why wouldn't you hire bears from Australia? Because they don't have the necessary koalafications.

I have just found out, to start a zoo, you need 2 pandas, 2 grizzlies, 3 polars and a koala. Apparently this is the bear minimum.

Girls say I'm an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

The Stoned Koala and Lizard A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says: "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint." "Come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala and they enjoy a large doobie. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the koala, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to see this. So they walk into the rain forest and find the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint. He looks up and says, "Hey you!" The koala looks down at him and says... "Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude....... How much water did you drink?

A Koala walks into a bar... A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a BLT sandwich. The Koala eats the BLT sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you're going!?" The Koala replies, "Hey, I'm a Koala. Look it up." The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: The dictionary said "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."

A koala bear breaks in to a prostitutes home, And starts to perform oral sex on her. He does his thing and when he is done he jumps up and heads for the door. The prostitute stops him and demands pay. The koala bear is bewildered. So she grabs a dictionary and opens it up to prostitute. Under the heading the find "a woman or man who sells sex for money." Unfazed the koala casually thumbs back to koala and points. Under the heading they find " a bear native to Australia who eats bushes and leaves."

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint. A lizard passing by looks up at the Koala and says "hey koala! What are you doing?" The koala looks down and says "just chilling in this tree man, smoking a joint." The lizard asks if he can join and the koala obliges. The lizard crawls up the tree, stops next to the koala and they both proceed to smoke a couple joints. After awhile the lizard says "I've got cottonmouth like crazy, I'm going to go get a drink." So the lizard crawls down the tree and starts working his way towards a nearby river. Now the lizard is wicked high and as he leans down to drink some water, he falls over and lands in the river. A crocodile sees this and asks "hey lizard! You ok?" The lizard answers " yeah dude, I just got really stoned with a koala in a tree and I can barely stay on my feet." "Where's this koala?" The crocodile asks. "Over there in that tree," answers the lizard. So the crocodile works his way over to the tree, looks up at the koala and says "hey koala! What are you doing?" The koala looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude, how much water did you drink?"

How many koalas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Technically just one, as long as he's koalafied.

A koala bear and a hooker... A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for three hours straight. She has multiple orgasms! After three hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Furry Mammal That Eats Bushes and Leaves."

A koala walks into... a brothel, and chooses one of the ladies of the evening. They go to her room and the koala asks if he can eat her out. The prostitute says "yes", after the koala is done he gets off the bed and starts to leave. The prostitute stops him and says "where are you going, you have to pay me", the koala says "why". The prostitute gets a dictionary and opens it up to the word prostitute, and shows the koala. The description reads "gets paid for having sex". The koala then takes the dictionary and opens it to the word koala. He tells the lady of the evening to read what the description for koala says out loud. "Eats bushes and leaves".

Found this on /r/jokes, thought it was trees worthy. Credit to /u/ThatGuyYouKilled A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?" The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?" The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you." The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

A Koala walks into a bar... So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of prostitute in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does sexual acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."

Why didn't the Koala get the job? He didn't have... The Koala-fications.

A koala walks into a barber shop A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"

I wanted to hire a marsupial butler... but none of the applicants were koala-fied.

Why wouldn't you hire bears from Australia? Because they don't have the necessary koalafications. (Derived from: http://www.neatorama.com/2014/04/07/When-Animals-Argue/)

A koala and a lizard smoke a joint in a tree After they finish the joint, they both are feeling pretty lit. The lizard says "man, my cottonmouth is out of control, I need to go get a drink". He leaves to go get a drink. An alligator walks by smells the sweet scent of cannabis still lingering in the air. He sees koala up in a tree, but before he can say hi koala yells, " Holy shit! How much water did you drink?!"

Koale who smokes weed Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt, After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" he said while looking up. "Smoking some weed because I"m bored man. U wanna join me mate?" "Sure!" said the lizzard as he climbed up and up untill he reached the Koala. 20 minutes has passed. The lizzard said, after he laughed at a joke koala told: "Damn I'm so thirsthy. Do u have any water?" "Sure" said the koala. "Just go down, Then go to your right there about the 10th tree on your left. There's a lake with plenty of water." "Thanks!" said the lizzard as he climbed down the tree and searched for the lake." He's really enjoying the water as he drank. But then! The unexpected happend. He fell in the water! Unable to swim, he almost drowned. A big crocodile who saw what happend jumped in the water to save the little lizzard. "DUDE! U know u can't swim, what are u doing here in the water?" "I"m so sorry but i was smoking weed with my koala friend, and I got thursty so I went for a drink." "Weed?" asked the aligater. And where is this koala bear? "Oh he is over there. about 10 trees further then to your left." The koala, smoking his last little bit of weed, looks down an sees the crocodile. "Goddamn, How much water did u drank?"

The Kuala and the Lizard So this Koala is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff. Small lizard walks by and ask the Koala what he's doing. Koala says "Having a spliff man, come up and have a few puffs..." So up the lizard goes, but after a few drags he's thirsty. Koala says "No problem little dude, just little bit down the road there's a river, go have a drink." So off the lizard goes, but when he gets to the river he is so stoned he falls into the river onto the crocodiles nose. Crocodile squints at the lizard, says " Hey man, what's up with you, why you falling all over the place?" Lizard says "Man you won't believe this but there's a Koala in the tree smoking a spliff, I had a few drags now I'm stoned. Crocodile, thinks, heck I've got to go see this. So he puts the lizard down and goes to look for the Koala. Doesn't take long he finds him. So he shouts to the Koala, " Hey Koala, what you doing up there...?" Koala looks down at him and frowns and says " Sjees dude, how much water did you drink...?!

The lizard and the koala The koala was on his tree, smoking a joint when the lizard sees him. L: Yo, Koala. Whatchu doin'? K: Smoking. Let's blaze one out, Lizard After smoking for some time, the lizard felt his mouth dry and told the koala he would go drink some water. While stumbling around pretty high by the river, the lizard gets spotted by the alligator. A: What's going on, Lizard? L: On, I was smoking a joint with the Koala, on the tree The alligator was curious and decided to go see the Koala. When he got there, he noticed the Koala sleeping, so he yelled: A: Yo Koala, what's up? The Koala startled, answered: K: Woaaaaah Lizard, how much fucking water did you drink?

A koala, a bear and a panda owned tea shops... But which one was the best? The Koala's, as it was the most Koala-Tea.

A depressed koala walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink, and the bartender says "You look a little down. Why don't you go down the block and meet up with a friend of mine? She'll lift your spirits." The koala goes down the block and finds a prostitute, takes her to the nearest motel, and fucks her. When they're done the prostitute says "Alright, so where's the money?" to which the koala responds "What money?" She grabs a dictionary, looks up "prostitute," and shows the koala it's definition: "has sex for money." The koala takes the dictionary from her, looks up "koala," and shows her his definition: "eats bush and leaves."

Baby I am an Animal in Bed More Specifically A Koala,I can sleep 22 hrs a day. Credit:A friend

Koala Drama One day a Koala bear was feeling exceptionally horny, so he gets his phone and orders a prostitute. Shortly thereafter the prostitute arrives and enters the tree-house. Hours go by and the marsupial needs to hit the local watering hole. He tells the hooker to let herself out. As the bear exits the whore yells "Where the hell do you think you're going without paying me!?" Realizing small animals have no concept of money. She pulls out a dictionary and reads "protistitute: has sexual intercourse in exchange for money." The fuzzy bear snatched the dictionary out of the whores' hand and shows her "Koala: eats bush and leaves."

Crazy Koala A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,'Hey you!'. So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Faaaaaaaak dude....How much water did you drink??!'

How did the Australian make the Olympics? He koala-fied!!!!! Buh-duh-tss

Joey the marsupial applied for a job to eat eucalyptus leaves all day. However, he was declined due to his lack of koalafications.

Why are Austalian grocery stores the best? Because of their Koala Tea

Have you guys heard the joke about the koala? So this Koala had applied for a job at his local supermarket but was very disappointed when he found out he didn't have the correct Koalifications. I'm so sorry.

Why aren't koalas real bears? Because they don't meet the koalifications!

I applied for a job as a Marsupial... Safe to say I didn't get it because I lacked the right Koalafications.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It died. Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? - It was tied to the first koala. Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? - It thought it was a game. Why did the man cycling through the bush fall off his bike? - He was hit by three koalas.

What kind of tea do koalas drink? Euca-lipton

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint... ...when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink... The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Fuuuuuuck, dude... How much water did you drink!?'

Why did the male koala invite the female koala over to his bamboo. He wanted to have a treesome.

What's green, sticky and smells like eucalyptus? Koala vomit

So a koala bear walks into a brothel. He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door. The girl stops him and demands payment. The koala doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary. *"a person who trades sex for money."* Still a little confused, he asks what it says about him. *"koala, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves."*

What do you call tea made by a stoned marsupial? High koala tea

Man lost in the desert A man is lost in a desert in Australia. He crawls for day until he finds a road. He hasn't had water in days. He sees a sign on each side of the road. On one side it says hope, 4 miles, on the other side it says Mercy 3 miles. Naturally he chooses to go to Mercy. As he gets close he sees that Mercy is one shack. He crawls closer and he sees that the shack is or was a restaurant, he can't tell if it is even open. Finally he gets to the door and sure enough there is an old woman sitting behind a counter. He asks her for some water and explains he has been lost in the desert for days. Without getting up she looks down at him and says, "no water, but we have tea made from Koalas." "Fine" he says, "please may I have a cup?" She brings him a cup and it is brown and full of bones and fur. He asks "if she could please have a cup without bones and fur." She says, "The Koala Tea Of Mercy Is Not Strained."

Did you hear about the marsupial who was rejected at his job interview? He didn't meet any of the *koala*fications

How many koalas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, given that he's koali-fied for the job.

Iguana and Koala bear were smoking a joint in a tree.. ... Iguana tells Koala bear "Hey man, I'm going to go down to the river and get a drink of water". When Iguana gets to the river he runs into Crocodile and says "Hey Crocodile, what's up man? Me and Koala bear are smoking up in the tree if you wanna smoke with us". So Crocodile heads up to the tree to smoke with Koala as Iguana drinks some more water. When Crocodile gets to the base of the tree Koala, who's pretty lit by now, looks down at Crocodile and says "Holy shit Iguana, how much fucking water did you drink?!"

Why did the Koala Bear get a job? He was Koalified

What do koalas have in common with underwear? I'm not wearing any koalas ;)

A man is taking a picture of a koala This has some really great koalaty

Koala joke Where do koalas go to school?

A Basketball player walks into a bar... ...sits down and orders a club sandwich. He eats the club, gets up, drools, spins around, pulls out a pistol and shoots the newly hired piano player and starts to run back home! The bartender dumbfounded and angered that this is the third time this happens this week, "not this again, fucking pandas and koalas what's up with this ball player" So he chases the player down and yells "Hey you just ate my club sandwich, drooled all over the place, spun around and shot my new piano player" The player replies "hey I'm a basketball player look it up". The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up basketball player. The dictionary said " a man who dribbles spins and shoots and then heads home side"

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my koala."

How did the koala get the job? He had the best koalifications.

What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

A man and his pet koala walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.

A koala is sitting up a Eucalypt tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

Baby you be the tree, and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear

What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!

Knock Knock Who's there? Koala! Koala who? Koala Duty Black Ops 4

Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.

How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.

He took the precious book out of the koala's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a BLT sandwich.

Joey the youthful koala walks into a bar, sits down, makes himself comfortable, and orders a sandwich. Joey eats the sandwich, stands up, spins around, and pulls a pistol out of his pouch, [remember he is a marsupial] he shoots the piano player and proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts loudly at Joey, ‘Oy you! Who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you’re going?’ Joey answers promptly, ‘Listen up mate, I’m a koala. Look it up.’ The apoplectic bartender takes down the Chambers dictionary from behind the bar and looks up the word – Koala: The dictionary says: “n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves.”

How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala

"What are you doing with that koala?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."

Three weeks later, a koala walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the Eucalypts tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Koala eats the BLT sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar.

So the koala looks down at him and says: "WTFFFF dude ... how much water did you drink? Religious Australian Cowboy

Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree? Because he was dead too.

A policeman caught a nasty little Australian boy with a BB gun in one hand and a koala in the other.

"Are you a koala?" asked the man, surprised.

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the koala falls over dead.

The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you're going!?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a koala in the front seat.

What is a bear's favorite drink? Koka-Koala!

The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the koala again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.

Why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree? Because he thought they were playing a game.

The koala replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a koala sitting next to him.

Why did the 1st koala fall out of the tree? Because he was DEAD.

Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

The Koala replies, "Hey, I'm a Koala. Look it up."

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the Eucalypt tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a koala."

"I thought you were going to take that koala to the zoo!"

What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!

Why did the boy fall of his bike? Because three koalas fell on top of him. submissons by: liammc, kmaniac

The Koala bear is a marsupial and not a bear.

"Not really," said the koala. "Your name is written inside the cover."

I love spending koala-ty time with you.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey, koala! What are you doing?" The koala said, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some," so the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala, where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while, the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped to the river bank. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" The koala looked down at him and said, "Shiii-iit, Dude! How much water did you drink?!"