100+ Kids Jokes

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art." Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..." "Look at what kids your age make in China!"

Virginity in school Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

I had sex with my kid's teacher. I have to tell my wife... ...how much I appreciate her taking a break from homeschooling the kids for quick romp with me. The pandemic isn't all bad!

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

Disney World is reopening because they know that kids with dead parents will relate more to their movies. Sasha Rosser @POOPSCRUFFIN4U

'90s kids won't get this Social security

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

"All modifications must be restored to the original." I told this story to a friend. She suggested I share it here. My family and I moved into a house in 2008 - 5 bedrooms, 3,200 sq ft, $1,600 a month. It was a decent price in 2008, and the rent stayed the same for many years. Since I'm reasonably handy, I would fix things myself rather than bother an old man. I lived there so long that I also made quite a few upgrades. In 2024, the owner passed away, and his son inherited the property. A week later, he gave notice of intent to inspect the property. During the inspection, he kept trying to open drawers and look through my belongings, which isn't legally allowed, and was rude when I stopped him. As he left, he handed me a notice that my rent was increasing to $4,000 monthly, about $1,000 over market value. I would have paid higher rent if it had been reasonable, but I wasn't paying that much. My month-to-month lease was worded to require three months' notice to raise the rent. I pointed out this fact, then gave him notice that I would be moving out at the end of that three months. A few days later, I was served with an eviction notice. The month-to-month lease also required three months' notice to evict me without cause, so he tried evicting me with cause. He claimed I had made "unauthorized modifications" to the house and cited the back door with a dog door installed. I still had the original door in the garage and the previous owner's permission, so it was neither unauthorized nor a modification. Regardless, the judge decided I needed to move out within 30 days, or he would grant the eviction. Additionally, he explicitly ordered that all modifications be restored to the original. This is where the malicious compliance comes in, and I'm sure you already see this coming. All the "Smart House" additions I made were removed. The tool shed in the yard was removed. The pond was filled in. Closet organizers were torn out. Garage organizers were removed. The updated appliances were replaced with basic models. Every update I made was removed, and then I moved out. He sued me for removing everything. His lawyer cited a law that says any changes to the property become part of the property, and it's illegal to remove them when vacating the property. However, my lawyer pointed out the order from the previous judge, stating, "All modifications must be restored to the original." I provided receipts for all the things I had removed, proving I had added them and was required to remove them. I won the case, and he had to pay my legal fees. A few months later, I got a call from his sister. Some of my mail had not been forwarded, and she wanted to ensure I got it. We had a short conversation about the entire ordeal. She told me the house was actually inherited by four siblings. Her brother had lied to everyone. First, he had raised the rent, knowing I would move out. He already had a deal to sell the house to one of those big rental companies. He told his siblings the house had negative equity and nobody would get anything from the sale. In reality, the house was paid off and worth about $700,000. They had made an offer on the house, which included all the stuff I later removed. He couldn't afford to replace everything, so they took him to court over the sale. Since all four siblings were listed as owners, all were named in the lawsuit, which is how they learned the truth. In the end, the house sold for $550,000. In exchange for not pressing fraud charges against him, his three siblings split the proceeds, and he got nothing. **Edit:** A lot of people asked the same questions. Rather than respond to them individually, I will post them here. **Q. How did everything happen so fast after the landlord died?** A. I guess my wording wasn't clear. I don't actually know when he died. I only talked to the guy once or twice a year. This all started about a week after I was notified of his death in February of 2024. I moved out in early June. We went to court over the removals in September, and I spoke with his sister in December. Everything I posted happened over the span of nearly a year. **Q. Why did I rent for 17 years instead of buying a house?** A. I moved into the house during my divorce in 2008. Buying a house during a divorce is not easy. I chose this house because it was large enough for me and three kids and close to their schools. By the time they moved out, I was set in my ways. I planned to buy another place at some point but was in no rush. **Q. How did his siblings not know what he was up to?** A. I don't know. Everything involving me was my firsthand experience. Everything that happened after that was secondhand information I got from his sister. I can't confirm what she told me; I can only share what she said. **Q. Why did I do so many upgrades in a rental?** A. I wasn't tearing out walls or replacing floors. Everything I did was reversible and done to make my life easier. Also, the landlord was re

“Do all the work yourself or get 0%” In high school I was in a science class that I did very well in. I was top of the class and scored nearly 100% on every test and assignment. The teacher assigned a big group project that would take about a week to complete with a team of four students. Groups were randomly assigned, and unfortunately, I was paired up with three kids who were barely passing the class. In class we are given time to make plans together as a group to divide up work, examine the instructions, schedule times outside of school to meet up, etc. It was at this point my teammates decided to tell me that they weren’t going to do any work on the project. I asked why, and they said they knew I really cared about my grade, so they figured I would do it on my own. They were so lazy they were banking on the fact I wouldn’t tank my own grade, so they could benefit off of my hard work when I inevitably got a good score on the project. I was pissed and said that was unfair. They dug in and said “Too bad. Now you either do this project yourself or you’ll get a 0%.” Cue malicious compliance. Now, I could have gone to the teacher and he probably would have sorted this out, but a better idea struck me. So I said “Fine, you win. I’ll do what you say.” They smiled smugly and thought that was that. But you see, this teacher had a policy that at the end of the semester your lowest grade (excluding finals) would be taken off your record. So, if you forgot to turn in an assignment or did really bad on one test, you got a mulligan so it wouldn’t ruin your final grade. I had never done poorly on an assignment all year, so I never needed my mulligan. However, I knew that these shitheads all did. If they got a big fat zero on a crucial assignment, they would probably fail the class. So, I did exactly as they instructed. I did no work on the project all week. Just sat on it and bided my time. At the beginning of the next week all the students turned in their assignments. My team watched as I sat in my chair, unmoving. Finally one said: CLASSMATE: Hey OP, aren’t you going to turn in the project?” ME: Oh, I didn’t do the project. They were shocked and asked why the hell I didn’t do it. ME: You said do all the work or get a 0%. I choose 0%. They were all royally pissed. They all had to do credit recovery over the summer. They hated my guts, but I couldn’t have cared less. It was the most satisfying failing grade in my entire life.

I'm a realist. @NatBaimel I ask kids what they want to be if they grow up.

B BI Now, this is the quote. This is the quote - Get ready for the quote, ladies and gentlemen, because it is a 8B C humdinger of a quote. front of everyone. We're talking about films, she goes, This is what she says to me at this party, out loud, in C favourite bit of cinema. The Lion King is justa kids film." "Oh, come on, Jack. You can't say The Lion King is your B BE consolidated IMB rating of 8.9, two Academy Awards Just a kids film? Yeah, just a kids film with a and two Golden Globes, that's been adapted into the most successful West End B BIC musical of all time, generating a net gross profit of £800m and counting, *Oh, but maybe it's a kids film because it doesn't deal with BE any mature themes, said nobody ever. The Lion King is the greatest anthropomorphic assault B BIC on the theme of mortality the Western culture has ever produced. It is so complex, that your tiny shrivelled ant scrotum of a BIBIC ... .. brain wouldn't dare to fathom it. BIBC So, no, it is not just a kids film, BE It is Shakespeare with fur, sister! .. is the response I thought of three hours later.

I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at! Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt. Me: that's because he's a party pooper! Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this. Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good. Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

There once was a woman who had 100 children.... She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

Don't want to pay 4 guys to not work for 6 hours? OK, you can pay 30 guys to not work for 6 hours. To make an already long story as short as possible, some background. I am a manager for a North American railroad, and a lot of our work involves different crafts of employees. Different crafts have different unions and different work rules. The managers of the other crafts and I work together well to get done what we need to get done, especially when some of the work needs to get done at night. The track guys can have a crew assigned to nights, while the signal guys can't. Even better, the signal guys who work overnight have to be let go after 12 hours, and if it's now their regular shift because they came in last night, they get paid the rest of the day to go home and sleep. Track guys have all three shifts, but we only have a day shift and an evening shift, but no night shift, because the big hats don't want to hire enough people to do it. Now, the company has decided that paying guys to go home 2 hours early on a Thursday, come in and work overtime all night at 10pm, and go home at 10am, getting another 4 hours pay to go home and sleep is the ending of all that is good and pure in the universe, and will eventually lead to the collapse of capitalism, the nation, and indeed the universe itself. So they decide that the second shift guys have to stay 4 extra hours, and the first shift guys have to come in 4 hours early. I point out that: 1) I can't force employees to work overtime unless it's an emergency, and the union isn't likely to agree that "we want to do this at night so we don't affect traffic" is an emergency. 2) Not all employees are qualified on the same things. 3) Since they took half of my trucks away 5 years ago (because savings!!) I don't have enough vehicles for an entire second crew to show up at 2am and relieve the guys working in the field so they can go home. The guys currently working will have to stop work, pack up the tools, drive back to the office, let the (smaller) relief crew load up, drive back out to the work site, do the starting paperwork and briefings, and begin the work. And most importantly: 4) That while we aren't there, the track guys can't work, because we have to keep taking things off of the rail so the track guys can do their work, and then put them back when the guys are done so we can run the trains in the morning. All of it falls on deaf ears, because the freckle-faced college kid (who opens every conversation with "I have an MBA, dammit") who has somehow gotten to a position where he's in charge of the estimates wants to complain about those 24 hours a night. So, after having gone on the meeting record for all of it, I get out of the kids way. I decide that if my boss isn't going to have my back, I'm not going to stop this inevitable disaster. After all, I have only been doing this for 27 years, but he graduated with a 3.6 GPA from UTEP, so he must know better. So, the first night, the job grinds to a halt like clockwork at 1am, the second crew shows up at about 4:15, and they get to work. The track folks pack it in, because by the time anything gets dismantled, there won't be enough time to get anything done and put it all back together to start moving trains by 7. Second night, the shift change was a little smoother, so they got out there at 3:45. Managed to get a little work done before packing up. Third and fourth night it rained REALLY hard, so the drive back to the shop and out to the jobsite took extra time. No work done after the new crew showed up at 4:30. Bright and early Monday morning we show up at our morning meeting to find that the track guys got about 30% of the work done that they'd planned for the week, and at this pace would finish a 6-week job more than 15 weeks behind, and over budget by more than 300% Mr. MBA proceeds to launch into his carefully-rehearsed speech about Key Metrics, Percent Spent vs Percent Complete, and all sorts of other nonsense. Then he decides to start in on me. Since I obviously conspired and colluded with my employees to "egregiously erode progress" for an entire week. I held up the meeting minutes from the previous week, told him in no uncertain terms that he had asked, in fact *demanded* that we have a full shift change in the middle of the track department's work. I looked across the table at him, and asked him if he wanted to revise that position. Completely unwilling to let this lowly *engineer* tell him what to do, he said no, and I was supposed to somehow magically make the shift change FASTER. Next 3 weeks were the same story. They've now been out there for a month, and have managed to accomplish just shy of a week and a half of work. Mr. MBA shows up on the site one night, just in time to watch my night guys walk off, watch the track guys shut down the machines and gather outside to smoke, hang out, and generally carouse, because they know they now have 3 hours to screw of

I have finally made it I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in. "Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing." Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there" I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one. EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak. They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part. They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion." The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

Blonde guy gets home from work... Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting. "Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!" He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him: "Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!" He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked. "WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

90s kids won't get this . . . Social Security benefits.

Only 1300's kids will get this.. The Black Plague

You want me to participate in Sunday School? Enjoy my extensive knowledge of your holy book. So my relatives and parents are very firmly a part of this cult, it’s mostly in the states but it does have some worldly presence. Not gonna say which one it is cause I don’t want my parents to find this post. I left the cult about two years ago now, after they refused to acknowledge that I had several medical problems and the religion believes that people can become like Jesus and heal their own bodies. Wack, right? And I’m not talking about a little scratch or a cold. I’m talking about cancers, contagious diseases like measles, polio, whooping cough, broken bones, psychological disorders. It’s really crazy. But whenever I come back they always make me go to Sunday school to ‘show respect for the family’. Bullshit, it’s cause they want to convert me back and whenever someone from the cult finds out someone has left they make it their personal mission to bring them back. So this past Sunday I didn’t have work and my dad told me I had to go to church with the family. He said I’m still able to go to Sunday school since I’m just in university. We arrive to the church, I’m super dressed up. Like very fancy looking. The women when I come in are very pleased (they know I’ve left) and are like “wow it’s so nice to see you back! Hope you come more often now we’ve missed you.” I go down to my Sunday school class and it’s a bunch of uni kids and an older woman, strict looking teacher. Perfect. She sits me down and starts talking about the Bible and what’s wrong and right. Cue malicious compliance. I took two years of intensive Bible classes, I’ve translated from Hebrew and Greek, I’ve actually read the whole Bible cover to cover. Some ‘points’ were made. Teacher: “And so God said that we most never lie in bed with another of the same sex.” Me: “And where does it say that ma’am?” Teacher: “Well in this verse here” *shows* Me: “That was actually mistranslated from Hebrew. It actually says man shall not lie with boy.” Teacher: *frustrated* “No that’s not true. And besides, there’s this verse here which says homosexual sex is wrong.” *shows other verse* Me: “So…by that logic, wouldn’t that mean that anyone, male on male, female on male, or female on female, who was having oral or anal sex would be gay?” Teacher: *horrified* The whole class went on like this. I refuted claims about the killing of children, the uselessness of prostitutes, about immigration, and so on. After church, my dad was pulled aside by the teacher and when he came back he sighed and shook his head and said “Fine. You don’t have to come anymore.” I replied with “is she not impressed with my thorough knowledge of the Bible?”

"If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." OK then. *I first wrote this four years ago for this sub, when a lot of you enjoyed it. I've re-written and updated/expanded it and corrected some mistakes. Enjoy. This took place around December 1992-January 1993.* I got a job as a security guard after leaving the Army, because I wasn't qualified to do much else, and I hadn't decided if I was going to college yet or not. The company refused to pay very much so they had high turnover. Because of the turnover, they had small raises built in at 90 days, six months and a year as an incentive to stay on. I needed a job, and until I had my shit together, this would do. So I showed up and worked. My one year anniversary rolls around and I don't see my 50 cents an hour raise in my paycheck, but something more like 35 cents. So I called the boss. My three and sixth month raises had been delivered with no issues, so I was surprised my one year anniversary hadn't shown up. Supposedly they wanted to give all employees a raise, so they did. And yes, I got a small raise, along with all the other guards - a few hundred of us. It was something like 35 cents an hour for each of us. Ok, fine, but what about my promised 50 cents an hour? As far as I was concerned, this 35 cents an hour was something you initiated, after promising me more, so this is bonus. When I called the manager, I was told I wasn't going to get a raise for my one year raise because, "You just got a raise. No one gets two raises at once. If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." In other words, they were trying to claim a 35 cent an hour raise for every employee somehow was over-riding the fact that I was owed an additional 50 cent an hour longevity raise. I'm sure there were others caught up like that. Fine. They want to give me 35 cents an hour of a raise and tell me that is equal to the 85 cents an hour? I'll find something better. I spent the next week calling in sick and showing up late while job hunting. Called the office at the end of my last day, and told them I was done and they could find someone else, giving them no notice at all. Panic mode ensued. Everyone else was at 40 hours for the week and they hated paying overtime. One of the salaried managers had to cover for me. They told me to quit, so I did. I'm a teacher now, near retirement. My raises are still shit. But at least I can (barely) live off of it and I have a (shitty) union for now, which is more than I had then. A few more cents an hour and they could have kept me as a wage slave. Crazy that I would even consider it now, looking back on it. At least I enjoy my job today, as crazy as the kids are.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.

So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids "Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?" One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids... Apparently she left me two days ago.

If I don't like it, tell it to the news? I guess we're going to the news then (video evidence) My mother was a truly inspiring woman. Her favorite phrase was "why say bleed when you can say hemorrhage" because she never did anything halfway when she knew she could go all the way. We couldn't even ask for help with homework because you'd be up till 3 am on a school night, adding one more thing. Then you'd go to school with this magnum opus while everyone around you phoned it in and still got an A. She would rarely get angry, but if you activated her righteous indignation, the repercussions would be legendary. There was one such story of malicious compliance that she always loved to tell, and I just found the receipts, so I wanted to share it with everyone. It all started one day when I found a dagger in my brother's room. It was an ornate sort of fantasy-style dagger. Not something you would find just anywhere, and it was very sharp. We were not old enough to have something like that at the time; he was only 11. Immediately, my mother walked up behind me and caught me red-handed, so I did what any self-respecting little brother would do and threw him under the bus. My brother wasn't at home at the time, so she went through everything and found more of these knives. She laid them out on the table, and she was psyching herself up for the hell she was going to bring down upon him. By the time my brother gets home, he walks in and sees her sitting there with the knives out. He goes white as a sheet. She immediately asks where he got them. This was the late 90s, and my brother was pretty into Magic: The Gathering. The card shop he went to for his fix was just down the street. He spent a great deal of time there and bought boxes and boxes of these cards from them, so they knew him and knew he was too young. They had sold it to him, knowing full well that he was underage, no questions asked. My mother's jaw dropped, and moments later, we were pulling up to the place. She drags my brother into the store and puts the knives down in front of the woman who owns the place. She tells her that they had sold it to him. "Yeah, so what?" "He is not 18, and he shouldn't have access to these. You need to tell your employees to check IDs before they sell weapons to minors." She was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt before she snapped back with "It's a joke, it's humor, don't you get it?" ahhh so the problem is you. "I am his mother, and I don't think it is funny. If you won't follow the law at the very least, I need you to stop selling weapons to my son." "I'll do whatever I want! If you don't like it, TELL THE NEWS!" Surely this woman doesn't know who she is talking to, or the lengths that my mom was willing to go for her kids. I don't know why on earth that would be the phrase you'd use. Now you are just asking for it. Mom gives her one last chance before the hammer drops. "So you are saying that even without my permission, having asked you not to personally, and knowing it is illegal, you would still sell a knife to him?" "Of course, this is a business; maybe raise him better if you don't like what he is doing." It was like the air left the room. There were 3 of us boys in Elementary, Middle school, and High School around the time. She was president of all 3 PTAs for 3 different schools miles apart from each other. She was practically moming as a sport and crushing it by every conceivable standard. This woman had just slighted her to her core, and now had to deal with the consequences of her ignorance. My mom didn't say another word. She gathered the knives, and we walked out. Even the woman behind the desk looked a little shocked that she was just walking out. So was I. We all went back to the car, and no one said a word. Then you could almost visibly see the resolve set in, and she says, "I guess we are going to the news then." I don't remember her saying another word the rest of the night. The next day, I woke up and she had papers all around her that she had downloaded and printed off, and highlighted. She was on the phone explaining the story to a news station who'd just opened and responding to emails she'd sent overnight. I don't think she slept. She had been up researching the laws and building her case. The first reporters she talked to didn't seem to see what she saw in the story, and told her they wouldn't pick it up. Every time she was told no, she would ask for references to someone who would do something like this. It took weeks of phone tag. She called the next reporter, then another, then another, leaving messages and following up. Finally, she found an investigative reporter who would work with her. They decided that the best course of action was to put a hidden camera on my brother to send him undercover to buy something larger. Believe me, I am well aware of how outlandish that sounds. They met up down the street and gave my brother some money to buy the biggest weapon he could get. I see

My daughter is apparently going to be a future member. My wife told her to stop putting stickers all over the house, and she should only put stickers on paper. My daughter argued with her but my wife was just done picking stickers up all over the house, especially the kitchen, so it wasn't going anywhere. An hour or so later I walk into the kitchen and see stickers on post it notes, and the post it notes were stuck all over the refrigerator! She was so proud of herself it was hilarious. Edit: to add some context... She was 3 almost 4 when this happened. It happened 4 years ago, it popped up in my Facebook feed. We also didn't have an issue with our kids putting stickers up, but she had emptied a sticker book like 3 days in a row, so it was getting old. My wife and I both thought it was hilarious. My wife got a picture of her next to her work with the biggest shit eating grin you can imagine. I showed her the pic today, she's almost 8 and she cracked up saying that sounds like something she would have done.

Was told to work my contract hours. Damage ensued. Teacher here in inner city . Found myself coming in at 7::12-7:15 for a week or two, supposed to be there for 7:10. My Daughter’s daycare is getting construction done so had to park across street and drop her off. Got reprimanded and a mark on my file for not working during contractual hours; “you’re paid for working 7:10 to 2:22.” Fine. Once school is out at 2:02 I usually open up the weightroom and let athletes workout, give some advice (I was a college athlete and lifted a lot), and I watch them until about 3:15 when their coaches get there. Kids love it, I love it, coaches love it, never asked for pay. But my contracts done at 2:22. One day. Only one day. I posted on our webpage that I wasn’t going to be there. What happened? That same day numerous phones stolen from locker room so cops came, weightroom door broke open, kids running through halls and ran into a teacher sending her to Urgent Care. Admin calls me in asking why I wasn’t watching them. “I was told to work my contractual hours, I’m only paid until 2:22. I did this for fun, and it was unofficial.” Next day whole district gets an email for a job posting “Afterschool Weightroom Coach.” Admin asked me to apply. Now it’s costing them money. Edit: since some of you seem to be butthurt that this isn’t real and “how could they post a position so quickly” here’s my response to a comment below; It’s a long story, we actually used to have a dedicated strength and conditioning coach. He quit last year because, you might guess, was sick of dealing with my admin. They posted the position but no one wanted it and I wasn’t qualified (needed a CSCS). So I unofficially took over because kids wanted to work out which I applaud them for. The new position posted was a revised posting with lowered qualifications so I could take it

Dad jokes are not pornographic These are jokes you can tell your kids. Literally that is what a dad joke is. Stupid puns that elicit a groan. Please stop with the graphic sex jokes or jokes that are clearly adult.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous? Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all *Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified* Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

Penis Contest Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?" The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.... I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

The school phoned me today and said, "Your sons been telling lies." "Well, he's bloody good, I ain't got any kids." I replied.

Only 2010's kids will get this... Measles

Ok let’s call the park officer This happened July 4th weekend. I am a member and have a place in a self contained camp community. Nice quiet place with a lake and pools and a restaurant and things like that. I love it because my kid can be a kid like I was and go wander with friends and disappear until dinner time and I don’t have to worry. Our place is on a small cul de sac that is grassed in and we use it for kids to play and set up cornhole and all that. Because it’s July 4th a bunch of people have guests so the park is more full than normal, and a guest of someone on the circle parked at the edge of the grass. Well my kid and another kid were playing catch and one of the kids missed the ball and it hit the parked car. Owner of the car comes out hot and going at the kids. Me and the other kid’s parent both go over to calm the situation. Obviously if there’s damage we’ll take care of it because it’s from our kids. But this guy starts going off about all these dents and this big scratch and a crack in the windshield and all this is the kids’ fault. I was willing to be reasonable but when you start saying you want a ton of extra work done trying to blame my kid I get a little less reasonable. So we’re going back and forth and then he says the magic word that if we aren’t willing to pay for everything he’s going to call the park safety office to come deal with it. Knowing where this was going I smiled and said yes ok let’s do that. So the officer comes out and to no ones surprise but this guy the area his car is parked is a no parking area, so not only does the officer tell him to deal with it because if he had followed the rules and parked in an actual parking zone this wouldn’t have happened, and because they guy told him he’d been parked there for 2 days with no issues before now, he got a nice fat ticket and order to move his car. He turned bright red but didn’t say another word and moved his car and we didn’t see or hear from him the rest of the weekend.

Sex Ed in 2015 Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

You want me to answer your office phone for you while I am working from home? Several years ago, a friend ("Mark") started a home-based computer software business. He and his wife lived in their home for about 10 years and had a well-established home phone number. This was around the time that cell phones were just beginning to be popular, so 95% of people still used mainly landlines. Mark worked 2pm-10pm, the same shift as his wife, so his customers could be free to discuss their computer needs uninterrupted after their own businesses closed for the day. Most computer maintenance still had to be done in person instead of remotely, so customers could drop off devices after work and pick them up from Mark’s back porch on their way to work the next day. All went swimmingly for a few months until a new doctor opened up a practice in town, complete with a telephone number differing from Mark’s by one digit. Mark's number had a ‘3’ where the medical office had an ’8’ in the last 4 number combination. Misdialing was frequent. At first there were occasional calls to which Mark would patiently redirect the caller. As time wore on and the practice got more and more referrals from local hospitals to give Dr. Newintown an established client base, the calls began to come at all hours, 24 hours a day: weekends nights holidays you name it. The office still got calls after hours to an answering service for patients to find out who was on call, and for the hospital staff to reach doctors after hours. Mark had to unplug the phone just to have a conversation over lunch with his wife, and in order to sleep. Also not ideal when you have 3 daughters of dating age out after dark. Mark called the doctor’s office and asked them to please change their phone number so he and his family could get some peace and quiet, and so he could build his own business to support them. Since he had his phone longer, he felt the doctor should be gracious and change his number to a different one to stop the confusion. He was told in about so many words by the doctor that it was too bad, but nothing was going to be done, as advertising, stationery, business cards and signage were expensive to redo, not to mention convey the new information to all his patients, medical registries, the medical board and societies, and hospitals. "Just do the best you can, I'm sure the calls will stop soon. Good luck to you!" "Okey Dokey!! I'll do my best to take care of things!" Mark cheerfully replied. After that, Mark began to field all the calls that came in personally. "You've had the sniffles all morning after working in the yard around pollen? You'd better come right in!" “You start coughing every time you smoke a cigarette? Come on in!!” “Hmm…I’m not the doctor, but a temperature of 98.9 sounds a little high to me. We’ll see you right after lunch today.” "You're new in town and have kids who need physicals and shots for school next week? It just so happens we have an opening in an hour. No, no, don't worry we can take all 5 of them at once, today." Whatever the problem was, he started making appointments for each and every person calling. All were delighted to have such personal attention and prompt appointments. "Sure, we take ALL insurance plans. Come right in!" He also made routine checkup type appointments for 4:30 pm one Friday afternoon for 6 different people. Bright and early the next Monday morning, Dr. Newintown called and begged him to stop. Mark said :"I will if you will." The doctor had a new phone number before the end of the week.

Two kids were talking... Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night! Kid 1: Lies! Kid 2: Ask your sister. Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister! Kid 2: You will in about nine months! Edit: Thanks for the support guys!

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are. Napalm

Hallways had "lanes" for students to get them to class faster I was a teacher at a middle school in 2014/2015 that was Title 1 School (extremely low income and test scores). The state government actually removed all administration staff two years prior, for the whole district, as the student outcomes were so low. The new admin came in with a micromanagement authoritarian directive to improve test scores. One of their brightest ideas was to put lanes in the hallways to manage flow and gets students to classes faster. There were three lanes. Two one ways along the walls, and a middle "teacher only lane." Within about three days all the students were driving imaginary cars. They orderly followed one another, would let people in to merge, used turn signals, and generally was pretty fun for a few days. The teachers would direct students at intersections and played along for a bit. The flow did slow down though as students wouldn't pass each other and would have trouble merging into traffic around doorways. Another thing taking time was the students parking their imaginary vehicles outside the classroom. They would spend time backing them into spaces, or have trouble parallel parking. The admin didn't like this and really started getting angry at the staff and students as so many kids were still tardy to class. They actively were handing out detentions and pretty angry at staff for playing along. This really triggered the students to start getting malicious. The students couldn't cross the middle lane, so they would have to walk down long hallways and make u-turns to see their friends or get to their lockers/classrooms. They started cruising the long hallways with their tricked out imaginary low riders. They would have shock noises even. Some of the really popular kids started a bus system where they had a schedule to pickup other students and deliver them to other classes. They would hold shoulders and move as a block. Sometimes the bus broke down at an intersection and blocked traffic for everyone. Drag racing started where they held up traffic and raced down the hallways. Police would pull people over and write tickets. The most annoying part was students needing to leave the classroom to check on their cars to make sure no one stole it. Sometimes a student would come back from the bathroom and ask if anyone was driving a type of car as it was being towed. The disruptions in class started to really get out of control. Admin thought it was going to be a phase and students would get bored. The best part about school for the students turned out to be the time in-between classes. Everyone was tardy constantly. Eventually the lanes (tape) were ripped up and they shortened the passing period time by 2 mins so students had to rush to class and couldn't spend any time in the hallways. The cars slowly died out and the new 'fad' was needing to use the restroom during class time because the passing period was like 3 mins long and not enough toilets to satisfy all the students legitimately. Students were written up for needing to use the bathroom so kids just started clogging toilets and peeing wherever. Other car things: flat tires, emergency sirens, car accidents, gps problems, no gas, lost license, couldn't find keys, stole other kids cars, repo cars, towing cars

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore... Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids Anymore

Know the difference, kids

Why does Gordon Ramsay have kids? Him and his wife are always FUCKING RAW.

When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital, I wrote “It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path”. Not many people knew I was talking about their heart monitor.

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window. "What's been going on John?"' I asked. "Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply. Dirty bastard.

Dad jokes should not be Sexual Am I the only one that thinks this?? A dad joke is something you would say to your kids.

A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic... As it’s going down the doctor shouts “We need to get the children to the lifeboats!” The lawyer, thinking more for his own hide shouts “No! Fuck the kids!” The priest says “Guys we don’t have time for both!”

Is it because I'm blonde? A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!"

Kids are like cancer You don’t particularly hate them until you have your own

I don't get the point of banning unvaccinated kids from public schools. They'll never reach school age anyway.

I told my son not to play Russian roulette. But you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other.

The boy was too young to understand why he wasn't allowed to play with the kids from uptown, so one day he snuck out to go swimming with them. That night he hung limp from a tree, lit by the crackling light of burning crosses.

A new teacher, on his first day, noticed that the other children were teasing one boy, calling him "Mikey the Moron." A new teacher, on his first day, noticed that the other children were teasing one boy, calling him "Mikey the Moron." During recess, the teacher asked the kids why they called him that. "Well, sir, he really is a moron," one of them said. "If you offer him a big 50-cent coin and a smaller one-dollar coin, he'll always choose the 50-cent piece because he thinks it's bigger. Here, watch this..." The boy held out both coins to Mikey, who, as predicted, took the 50-cent piece. The teacher was surprised and asked Mikey later, "Why did you choose the 50-cent coin instead of the dollar?" Mikey replied, "Look, sir, it's bigger!" After school, the teacher approached Mikey privately. "Don't you understand that even though the 50-cent piece is physically larger, the one-dollar coin is worth more and you can buy more with it?" "Of course I understand that, sir," Mikey said. "Then why do you always choose the 50-cent piece?" the teacher asked. Mikey replied, "Because the day I choose the dollar is the day they stop giving me money!"

Why muslim kids can't have driving lesson and sexual education the same day ? The camels need to take a break

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus? Because they make the toys.

So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense... his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it" she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me" "well, says the kid... "i know your age now" "and what is that?" says his mother "you're old" says the kid "and i learned your height" "which is?' says the mother "your really tall" he says "well, yes, i am tall for a woman" "and, i learned your weight" he says "and what is that?" asks the mother "a lot for a woman your height" the kids says the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that" "and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you" "Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license" "because, you got an f in sex"

What do pedophiles and night lights have in common? Little kids turn them on

I once knew a black woman with 7 kids. Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How did she tell them apart? She called them by their last names.

I have to teach in my classroom? Bet. I first started teaching over 20 years ago at a high school, so this was roughly May of 2004. As a new teacher, I was the low man on the pole and ended up in a portable classroom instead of the main building. If you don't know, it is what it sounds like. Kind of like a small mobile home trailer. They are meant to be used temporarily at best, for overcrowding or emergencies and the like. The big problem is that Florida is hot as hell. We have two seasons: Summer and Hot Summer. This particular year, our AC in the portable couldn't keep up. The insulation in the building had been damaged in a hurricane the previous year and had not been repaired yet. As a result of those two things, it was hotter inside the portable than it was outside in the shade with a breeze. So I said "fuck it" and moved class outside and taught math in the courtyard for a few days. One of the assistant principals saw us, and asked to see me later. He asked why I was teaching outside, and I explained. "Teach in your classroom." I tried to negotiate. What if the front office has my cell number? What about the media center, can I teach there? "Teach in your assigned classroom." Bet. That weekend, I went to the home improvement store. I bought a 50 gallon trashcan, a large standing fan, a small pump and some copper tubing. I rigged it up so the chilled water would be pulled through the tubing that was zip tied to the front of the fan. Then Monday I went to work early and got a bunch of ice from the cafeteria to put in the trash can. I filled the cooler with water and dumped that in there with the ice. I now had enough ice water to make cool air. When the kids showed up for first period, we had some air. It wasn't as good as a real air conditioner, but it helped. The kids thought I was a mad scientist, and that actually made me think about switching subjects to science later. No kids I am not a mad scientist, just basic thermodynamics here. By third period kids are telling each other about it. We went that way for about a week and a half before it ended. I got called in to the office. "Why am I getting phone calls from parents about some science experiment in your MATH CLASS, Mr. Cobb?" It seems some of the kids had been talking about my DIY solution at home. "It's a home made air conditioner. I told you ours was crappy. You didn't want to address the situation, so I did." I was told to disassemble it, and by some miracle, I had a newer AC unit in my portable the next day. The principal was PISSED I "made the school look bad" and she non-renewed my contract at the end of the year, so I had to find a new school. My son goes to that high school now. Those same portables are still in use.

What’s the best thing about going to an American school for deaf kids? You don’t need to use a silencer

What's the good thing about FaceApp? Kids with cancer can see themselves older.

What do you call a pinata at an emo kids birthday party? The birthday boy

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

A black woman had 5 kids all named Tyrone. How does she tell the difference? Their last name

"I'm thirsty, can I have a drink?" I ask my grandkids. They giggle at me and say "of course the sky is blue grandpa!"

After 20 years of marriage, she finally turned on the lights... A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they had sex, the husband insisted on turning off the lights. The wife found it silly, but she respected his wish. However, after two decades, her curiosity got the best of her. One night, in the middle of a passionate session, she reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. She looked down—and to her shock—her husband was holding a vibrator. Furious, she shouted, “You impotent liar! You’ve been deceiving me all these years! You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!” The husband looked her in the eyes, calm as ever, and said: “Me? Explain the vibrator? You better explain the kids.”

A young couple are snogging. The young lad asks "Can I have a blow job please?" "No way!" replies his girlfriend. "Why not?" he asks She tells him "You won't respect me afterwards." Three years later they get engaged. After a celebratory meal at a posh restaurant they go back home and he asks "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards." Another three years later they get married. Laid in bed together on their wedding night he asks again "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." she replies "You won't respect me afterwards." Twenty five years later they are sat in bed together. He puts his book onto the bedside cabinet turns to his wife of 25 years and asks "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards." He yells back at her. "Look! I've known you for over thirty years! We've been married twenty five years! We've got two kids, one grandson with another on the way. SURELY by now you must realise just how much respect I have for you!" "Oh OK then." she say "I'll give you a blow job" .. and she does. Ten minutes after she is finished the phone rings. Husband turns to his wife and says "Well answer it then you fucking cocksucker."

Alright, game on. I’m not sure this exactly malicious compliance, but here goes: As a military officer, it was required to apply to retire 12 months out from your retirement date. I was in what I would call a mid-level manager job. I had about 40 employees and we had a $500M annual budget for our program. My team was really great with very professional and competent people and rarely any issues. We performed really well. They would come to me with their issues and over time I saw patterns and we would fix them. For instance, one issue we solved saved the organization $64M over a four year period. We had a lot of other smaller wins (a few million here and there), but that was a biggie. My boss, who was bucking for General, was a jerk. For lots of reasons, but just a sour and unhappy person. About 7 months from my retirement in the following spring we decided to move my spouse and kids to my home town to be able to start the new school year. We had a house and just needed to move and get setup. I asked for three weeks and the boss would only give me two weeks. That only gave us a week and a half to get my family settled after the four day drive with kids, animals, etc. plus the furniture and everything to arrive just two days before I had to be on a plane back. So I was salty. Game on! I was prior enlisted and knew how to play the game by the book. It is important to note that I only missed about ten days of work in 23 years due to illness. Two things happened. No more multimillion dollar savings ideas that made the boss look good came out of my office and it was time for me to take care of stuff I neglected over the years. In regular meetings, when asked where the next savings was going to come from, it was always crickets. I knew I needed surgery for an injury I had and had some other medical issues I had been neglecting due to work and just life. I planned to take care of all that post retirement, as it would give me time to recover and figure out what I would do for a living because we couldn’t survive on just retirement. Since my boss wouldn’t let me get my family settled, it was time to take care of all my medical issue. I made medical appointments to get checked out for all my issues. I had two procedures that had me out of work for a week each. But the cherry on top was I got surgery the day before Thanksgiving and the doctor had me on convalescent leave for 4 weeks. When you are on leave like that, you have to have a form signed by your boss and it indicates the address where you will be taking that time to recover. Of course I used my hometown address so my wife could help me recover. Boss was pissed and tried to deny the leave. It went to our version of HR and they said he had to allow it. That made him even more pissed. In the end, I got to spend the holidays with my family across the country and only had about three weeks left on the job before taking my terminal leave (that he could not deny) when I returned. I didn’t want a ceremony or anything, I just rode off into the sunset.

No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

You wanna throw a fit over the property line? No problem! So I bought a house in 2018. I had to in a hurry so I could get my mother in my old home before her chemo got intense. My family had outgrown the one we were in, and we found one that needed some work but had 5.25 acres and a chicken coop. Neighbor (Dan) obsessively manicures his property and it is much nicer as a result, but the price and features worked for us on our side. We fix up and paint the chicken coop, only interrupted once by Dan asking us to tear it down or move it. Surely the coop was well on our side of the property line, I thought. I politely declined and described how the only thing I'd be doing is building an enclosed run toward my house to protect the birds from predators after fixing some things inside the house that have been neglected. The previous owner was a serious alcoholic and there's a lot of work to do. Dan walks away angry but defeated. A couple of years pass and the run is built exactly as described and our informal survey shows the property line about 20ft back, and I build gardens roughly the same distance from the property line. Dan has a survey done that suspiciously puts the back corner of the coop and about 1/3 of the run over the property line, but we agreed that it could stay so long as I don't encroach any further and I eventually move it which WAS my actual plan. He said to take all the time I need, declining my offers to buy the dirt or trade easements and reimburse him for the cost of the survey. Another year goes by and Dan has changed his tune. He interrupts a target practice session with my two foster kids to demand that I demolish the coop and run soon, to which I said "I suppose I could push that project up to next fall (2024)". He isn't happy but seems pacified. I wasn't thrilled either but I'm a reasonable guy and would prefer to have a good relationship with a neighbor I don't like much. Enter May 2024, six months before I agreed to do anything, and this guy shows up in my back yard wanting to talk about the god damned coop again. "You know, Dan. You said I could have all the time I needed and then demanded I tear it down, going back on your..." Cue the most childish temper tantrum I think I've ever seen. He was literally stomping on the ground with elbows out, screaming about suing me and how he'll own my whole house by the time he's done with me. Malicious compliance: fuck you, Dan. I decided the best place for that coop is exactly where it is. It's been there about 20 years and adverse possession only requires 10. I can take that 12sqft of dirt from you and you'll even have to pay my legal fees. Only the run needs to move since it's only been there 5 years. That's exactly what I did. The new run connects to the gardens and the roof funnels the roosters' crows right to his house. Setback requirements say structures must be 5' from property lines. The back corner of the run is now exactly 5'2" away from the supposed property line and he gets to hear and smell my chickens every single time he's outside. He will not have peace until he dies or moves. I am well within my rights and while I do struggle with medical and PTSD issues from my service, I learned very well from the Navy how to be *technically* correct in a way that works only for me.

The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

“Remember, the Pontianak is a dangerous female vampire that will kill you to eat your organs, and can only be stopped if a nail is driven into her neck which is almost impossible to do” I told my kids. “So whatever you do, do not remove the nail from your mother’s neck” I continued as my wife collected the 2025 Singapore Mother of the Year Award.

Why can't Helen Keller see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Because she died in 1968 which predates the birth of Cinnamon Toast Crunch by 16 years.

A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door... ...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?' She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time," The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out." And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan. EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

A woman had a 100 children. She sadly did not have the creativity to name all of them unique names so sho named each one a number from 1-100. One of them was named "one", the next was "two" and so on all the way to one hundred. But, in a tragic accident, 99 of the children died. The only one who survived was the one named "Ninety". Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and she even had a few children of her own, One day, while Ninety's children were playing outside, they stumbled upon a stray dog and they decided to keep it. Ninety did not want the children to have a dog so they hid it and named it "This" so that they could talk about it around their mom without her knowing. They would say "Lets go take This outside." and things like that behind their mom's back. One day, white Ninety's children were not paying attention, This walks out into the middle of the street and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies and Ninety's kids don't tell their mother even then. No one else ever hears about This ever again. Only Ninety's Kids remember This.

"But you are fat," the little girl said to the other kid after he told her that he was adopted just like her. "Don't all adopted kids get to eat only once per day?" she asked with confusion.

Vladimir Putin making a school visit... Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch. When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions" "My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?" Edit: The comment are saying that Sasha and Misha are male names, and that "The Ukraine" is incorrect. Thanks for that, it's changed now. Edit 2: Front page woop woop :D

A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

So this black kid was playing in the kitchen right.. He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him. His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said. His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said." Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said "Hey look Dad... I'm white!" When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in the face. The kid was shocked and confused. The Dad said "Boy that's the worst shit I've ever heard, go and show your grandma what you did and tell her what you said. So the kid begrudgingly walked upstairs and walked into his Grandma's bedroom. "Hey Grandma look, I'm white..." ...and his Grandma just pummeled him. Relentlessly. So hard that both the kids' parents had came upstairs to break up the beating. They all stood around him and asked him "Yeah well how do you feel about making that joke now?" The kid just looked up at them and said "...Well I've only been white for 10 minutes, and I hate all you niggers already!"

The memo said we must give a printed receipt for EVERY library checkout, so I did, until we ran out of paper I work at a public library and most days are calm, even when it’s busy. Last month someone higher up sent out a shiny new "accountability" memo that said every single checkout must include a printed receipt, no exceptions, no asking the patron, no email option unless they request it after you print. The memo literally said it reduces disputes, and if a patron refuses the paper you still print it and discard it yourself for "audit consistency." We all kinda rolled our eyes, but i decided fine, i will follow it exactly because i am not getting blamed later. The next Saturday we had a line out the door, strollers, seniors, kids, everyone, and i printed a receipt for every checkout even when people said "no thanks." I didn’t speed print either, because the policy also said to highlight due dates and verbally confirm them, so i did that too, every time. One guy checked out 47 items for a book club donation sort, so i printed two full pages of receipt, highlighted, confirmed, stapled, and then put the duplicate copy in the "audit tray" like the instructions told us. Another patron asked why i was throwing paper straight into recycling and i just said "new rules, sorry," because i wasnt gonna editorialize. By noon we had burned through two rolls of thermal paper and the printer started doing that faint stripe thing, which means it’s about to jam and need a reboot. So i logged a supply request, and kept printing anyway, because the memo didnt say to pause for "common sense." The line got slower, people got cranky, and we ran out of paper completely, which meant we couldnt check anything out at all because the receipt screen blocks the checkout until it prints. The fallout was immediate: the childrens librarian had to cancel a storytime giveaway, the holds shelf was overflowing, and the director got a call from the city office because someone complained they drove 30 minutes and couldnt borrow books because "the printer was empty." Monday morning we got a follow up email that receipts are now optional again and "please be mindful of waste." I kept the original memo in my drawer, just in case they forget how we got here.

I spent 20 years in prison for a crime that I didn't even commit, praying that I might someday see my kids again. And when I finally did, I beat them to death with a bat, just like they did to their mother before they pinned it on me.

A teacher asked her 6th Grade class how many of them were Trump fans... A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans. Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trump?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat." The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat." Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump fan."

"WE HAVE RULES IN THIS HOUSE!"? Thanks for reminding me, bro! I live in a apartment complex and I have two neighbors - Martha and...let's call him "Shaggy" (you'll get why). Martha is a sweet old lady and Shaggy is...a total and utter anus. He complained about the noise when I moved in (although I tried to be as quiet as I can, SOME noise just can't be avoided), he complains about the noise if I so much as sneeze and woe be me if I forget to clean the hallways when it is my turn. His favorite saying? "WE HAVE RULES IN THIS HOUSE!". Whatever I do wrong, even the smallest infraction that a normal person would either overlook or seek a private talk about, got reported to the house owner - or the cops. I have nothing but trouble with this mofo and I hate his guts. One day, I got the cops called on me due to a noise complaint at 9:50 pm (house rules say that you have to keep the noise down "to apartment level" starting at 10 pm). I immediately knew that the "culprit" was Shaggy because Martha not only does not give a damn unless I make so much noise the entire complex is shaking on its foundations but is also completely deaf without her hearing aides - which she removes every day at 8 pm, sharp. While the cops are snooping around my apartment (they were called because there were screams and curses coming from my apartment and they wanted to make sure I had not killed anyone, even though I had just burned myself something fierce on my stove and had vented my pain and frustration) and generally being a bother, one of them suddenly asks me "Do you smoke weed?" and points out the window at the playground behind the complex. And that was when it hit me. Cannabis may have been legalized here in germany, but the law states that there are places where you are simply not allowed to light up - like in the vicinity of **playgrounds**, schools, childcare facilities etc., makes sense, yeah? And Shaggy is a freaking stoner. Walks around with red eyes, his apartment and clothes **reek** of the stuff and I have never seen him sober. He is constantly high as a kite, which makes arguing with him both scary and funny. Well, anyway, the playground behind the apartment complex means that the entire complex is a no-weed zone (even if you only light up indoors). Now, normally I wouldn't have said anything, because I ain't a snitch and Shaggy keeps it indoors. But like I said, Shaggy is a b-tard and a stickler for the rules. Well, two can play that game. I eventually got the cops off my butt (after they had looked into every nook and cranny and found no corpse) and told them to check out Shaggy, telling them about his weed use near a playground. Guess who got his apartment searched top to bottom and eventually arrested when he tried to attack a officer because he DARED to touch his stash? WE HAVE RULES IN THIS HOUSE, SHAGGY! AUNTIE EDITH SAYS: 1. I know about Martha's hearing aide habits because I help her out with stuff (household work, going shopping with her etc.). While we are together, she likes to talk my ear off (many old people like to talk if they have an audience) about anything and whatever. And a few times, the topic of me being worried that I am too noisy for her liking came up, since Shaggy constantly complains. She just laughed and waved me off with a "Just don't bring down the house and we're good. Besides, I remove my hearing aides in the evening at 8 pm. Weird habit, I know, haha." 2. The cops didn't kick in Shaggy's door "just on my say so". They went across the hallway, rang the bell and when Shaggy answered, they both took a step back upon the smell coming from his apartment. When they asked him if he's aware that there's a playground behind the house and that there are children in the house (kids of other inhabitants on the other floors), he became aggressive as in "Piss off man, 's all good nowadays." The police then asked him to show them his stash because while weed is legal now, there is a limit to how much you are allowed to have, even in your apartment (50g and up to 3 plants per adult person). He refused and the cops cited probable cause because he is obviously hiding something and could hide/destroy the evidence if they waited for a warrant. They shoved Shaggy aside, he followed them in and apparently the cops found way more than he is allowed to have, because there was yelling, a commotion and then Shaggy was lead out in cuffs with one of the officers sporting a black eye.

Twenty years from now, kids listening to "Baby it's cold outside" are gonna find it really, really weird. We're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood in the context of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside.

I never thought my own daughter would disown me because of who I voted for. One day, I hope she understands the great honor that it was for her firstborn to be chosen for the Offering, and besides — she has other kids.

Police arrested two kids yesterday... ...one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him... She says hello and he’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is. Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

An elderly man lay on his deathbed An elderly man lay on his deathbed, surrounded by his wife, three kids, and a nurse. With a deep breath, he began speaking: “Bill, you get the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, the offices in the Center Center are yours. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are all yours. And my dear wife, you take all the residential buildings near downtown.” The nurse, wide-eyed, said, “Wow, your husband must’ve been an incredible man to amass so much property to leave behind.” The wife sighed and replied, “What property? The guy had a paper route!”

I walked in to a supermarket today and noticed an attractive woman waving at me... She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew her from. So I asked, "Do you know me?" To which she replied, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and I said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into my eyes and said calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

As the dragon slowly closed its mouth around her grandson, the grandmother cried pleadingly: ”Please, let me take his place instead!” The chief dragon in response shook his head and said “Sorry old bag but kids first,” as the last evacuation dragon took off seconds before the volcano erupted.

Fire me for driving too fast at 15 kph then tell me to drive back the district office? You got it boss!! Tl;dr fired by raging boss, MC extra $300, show up a week later in different job and new boss keeps me in old bosses face after finding out why. Gonna be kinda long one but I have an MC and a pro revenge in one. A friend reminded me of this when talking about all the forest fires burning in Canada right now. In the late 80s I got a job with the Ministry of Natural Resources driving to support fighting forest fires. Great job, just over double minimum wage (major bonus @ 19) and they had no limit to the number of hours you could work. Fire season started early & by mid May I was supporting one that was (I think, long time ago) 3-400 hectares and growing quickly (1 hectare = 2.5 acres). Back then I think the whole district was around around 100 000 sq. km (think all of Indiana), so there was a lot of driving. One day I get to the on site hq and get told to wait while they found me a return load. Little later I am told to go to the helicopter staging area to pick up the fire boss (FB). (To preface, the road was shit) I pick him and a few others up and make my way back. Half way there I hit a deep pot hole and the FB just loses it. Starts bellowing about goddamned kids speeding, no respect etc. For the 5 minutes it takes to get back. I found out on the way there that going to fast was not a good deal so made sure to not go faster than 15 kph (9 mph). As soon as we get to base camp slams his way out of the truck a screams 'YER FIRED'!! Get back to district and have them process you!! OK, Fuck you very much sir. We were deep, deep in the bush. I don't know how deep but it took me close to 7 hours to get there. Cue Malicious Compliance I grabbed 2 20l gas cans (5 gallons) and set off. Real, real slow. If 15 kph was to fast for these roads then the proper speed was obviously however fast the truck went at idle (unless there was a hill, I'm wasn't a monster). It took 22 hours to reach the first paved road and then I set the cruise control 5 kph below the limit and went to get fired. Extra $300ish ya me. I process out and I meet one of the guys (call him crew boss CB)who taught the level 1 forest fire fighter course I took before I got hired to drive. We got along well but there only 2 new full time hires that year and none on his crew. He had just come with one of his guys who broke his leg and was going to personnel to find someone new. I was quickly hired on as his 4th. 2 hours later I'm being driven to meet his crew at a fire. Couple says later that fire is declared out and we are off to a new fire. Yup. The fire I was fired from. Kinda revengish but it get better. Cue pro revenge. CB it turns out is besties with FB so FB has our crew as the initial response crew. This meant that we spent a lot of time riding in the helicopter with FB and responding to jump fires that would take minimal time to deal with. It took a week before he recognized me and I watched out the corner of my eye, something I thought was only in books or said as an exaggeration. This guy went from pink to red to actually turning purple. I couldn't hear what was being said but I see the skittle flowing out as he yelled into headset and I got some major side eye from CB for the rest of the flight. When CB asked about it later and I explained including the drive back he almost passed himself. Turns out (surprise), FB has a long history of exploding over nothing and taking it out on the nearest poor bastard. He ended up firing 2 more guys over the same thing and likely the same pothole. So CB knew what he was like but they got along really well. Turns out he also really liked poking the bear. For the rest of that fire CB made sure I was seated so I was the first person he saw if he looked over his shoulder. On a later fire our crew got admin duties and CB was FB's #2. I got to be as CB put his helper monkey and FB's jock itch. The rest of the crew knew so there wasn't any friction and they got a kick out it. It was a great summer and I worked for CB 3 more summers through Uni. Always went back with Great stories, really nice money (I collected unemployment during school not sure if it was legal but no one said anything and pretty sure time has run out any way) in amazing shape but with a really weird tan.

What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but dads end up playing with them.