50+ Jury Jokes

Alright, game on. I’m not sure this exactly malicious compliance, but here goes: As a military officer, it was required to apply to retire 12 months out from your retirement date. I was in what I would call a mid-level manager job. I had about 40 employees and we had a $500M annual budget for our program. My team was really great with very professional and competent people and rarely any issues. We performed really well. They would come to me with their issues and over time I saw patterns and we would fix them. For instance, one issue we solved saved the organization $64M over a four year period. We had a lot of other smaller wins (a few million here and there), but that was a biggie. My boss, who was bucking for General, was a jerk. For lots of reasons, but just a sour and unhappy person. About 7 months from my retirement in the following spring we decided to move my spouse and kids to my home town to be able to start the new school year. We had a house and just needed to move and get setup. I asked for three weeks and the boss would only give me two weeks. That only gave us a week and a half to get my family settled after the four day drive with kids, animals, etc. plus the furniture and everything to arrive just two days before I had to be on a plane back. So I was salty. Game on! I was prior enlisted and knew how to play the game by the book. It is important to note that I only missed about ten days of work in 23 years due to illness. Two things happened. No more multimillion dollar savings ideas that made the boss look good came out of my office and it was time for me to take care of stuff I neglected over the years. In regular meetings, when asked where the next savings was going to come from, it was always crickets. I knew I needed surgery for an injury I had and had some other medical issues I had been neglecting due to work and just life. I planned to take care of all that post retirement, as it would give me time to recover and figure out what I would do for a living because we couldn’t survive on just retirement. Since my boss wouldn’t let me get my family settled, it was time to take care of all my medical issue. I made medical appointments to get checked out for all my issues. I had two procedures that had me out of work for a week each. But the cherry on top was I got surgery the day before Thanksgiving and the doctor had me on convalescent leave for 4 weeks. When you are on leave like that, you have to have a form signed by your boss and it indicates the address where you will be taking that time to recover. Of course I used my hometown address so my wife could help me recover. Boss was pissed and tried to deny the leave. It went to our version of HR and they said he had to allow it. That made him even more pissed. In the end, I got to spend the holidays with my family across the country and only had about three weeks left on the job before taking my terminal leave (that he could not deny) when I returned. I didn’t want a ceremony or anything, I just rode off into the sunset.

Open and Shut A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds." An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens. “Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.” He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty. “Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!” “Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand. Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?" Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy." Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?" The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before." The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket. The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?" The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."

A man is in court for murder So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court "In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed". The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens. " Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty." The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."

Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles... "Peter, Peter!" Jesus cries. Peter, down at the bottom of the Calvary hill, hears his lord's call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he's spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter's left arm off and kicks him back down the hill. Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening "Peter, Peter." Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter's other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lays, bleeding out, when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again. "Peter... Peter" Jesus beckons. Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn't notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross a third soldier draws his sword and cuts off Peter's left leg and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time. Now just a whisper, Jesus calls "Peter..... Peter...." Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his lord "my lord Jesus, Why dost thou beckon me?" Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says "Peter, Peter... I can see your house from up here."

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked: What about extreme sexual exhaustion? The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said: You can write with your other hand.

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this disgusting act. The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000." "What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. They're gonna find me guilty for sure." "Don't you worry none," says the lawyer. "The key to any trial is the jury, and believe me, I know how to pick a jury." So Jed reluctantly agrees to hire him. The day of the trial, the neighbor gets on the witness stand to testify. He says, "I was walkin' along my property when I seen old Jed over there approach one of his goats, drop his drawers, and mount that poor animal from behind. After about two minutes old Jed appeared to be finished." "What happened then?" asks the prosecutor. "Well," says the neighbor, "Then that goat turned around and licked Jed's pecker." A gasp went up in the courtroom, and old Jed had all but given up hope when a juror in overalls leans over toward the fellow next to him and whispers, "You know, a good goat will do that."

Lawyer and the devil So a young lawyer is sitting in his office when the devil appears in front of him. "I've got an offer for you" the devil explains "Go on...." Says the young lawyer "Well from here out your practice will grow 10 fold, your partners will all respect you, your clients will all love you, you'll have a golden tongue with any jury, you'll get all the vacation days you could ever want, and you'll live to be 100" replies the devil..."all I ask is that you wife's soul, your children's souls, and your children's children's souls rot in hell for eternity" The lawyer leans back in his chair and inquisitively asks, "what's the catch?"

Turned on women's volleyball and within four minutes there was a wrist injury Don't worry I'll be fine

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam... She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says: "That's not an excuse. You can use your other hand to take the exam."

In school, the teacher warns her students... ..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class." The class's wise-guy says: "But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?" The teacher says: "Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

Reasonable Doubt A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door. The jury foreman answered: "Oh, we looked. But your client didn’t."

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

What does a boat get when it’s arrested. A jury of its piers.

My friend got jury duty So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later. Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant. Note: This is an original joke. Any suggestions on how I can clean it up a bit, make it a little punchier?

Misogyny is a terrible thing… Unless you’re a physical therapist and your patient has a knee injury.

My dog can speak English. My dog can speak English. When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!" When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!" When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!" And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"

I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was already a wrist injury But don't worry, I should be fine by Monday.

Motel insurance scam (x-post /r/Unexpected) A few years ago, I lived in a small rural town in southwestern Texas, near the border with Mexico. My town had a few rich people living in it, and among these was my neighbor. He was a doctor, and also owned a little motel called the Spanish Inn. It was a nice place, and the doctor enjoyed keeping up with the property. Last year, the inn tragically burned down; the doctor and his wife subsequently filed for insurance. The insurance inspectors arrived, looked with the police, and found evidence that it was arson, based on the burn pattern in the timbers. The doctor thought it was probably electrical since the inn had aluminum wiring. The case had to be brought to court, and it was the talk of the town. Everyone knew the doctor well, so the court had to import a jury from out of town. The case lasted for weeks, and the prosecution just couldn't quite pin the crime on anyone. After four long weeks in court, the wife suddenly broke down in the middle of her testimony. She told everyone it was insurance fraud because the inn was falling apart and the doctor wanted money. The whole town was in shock; everyone trusted him simply for being a doctor. That's when it hit me. Nobody suspects the Spanish Inn physician.

Watching the olympics women beach volleyball first round... There's already been a wrist injury, but I should be ok by tomorrow.

A pirate walks into a bar... Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub. The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches, "Are you really a pirate?" he asks "Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service." "Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?" "Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink." Eager to hear his story, the man buys the pirate a drink and sits to listen. "Well, first, me leg. Aye, 'twas a great gale in the midst of the Atlantic, and one of my men and fallen over board after a rogue wave hit the ship. I was haulin' him in off the netting when I great white shark leapt out of the water and bit me leg off at the knee..." "Wow," says the bar patron, "that's amazing! And your hand?" "Aye, me hand... We were searchin' fer buried treasure off'a the Florida Keys, when while hackin' through the brush, I stumbled upon a great alligator who was right bothered about me beein' there. I fought the beast valiantly, but the bastard took me hand..." "Oh this is incredible!" The man exclaims, "So the eye-patch...how's you lose the eye?" The pirate pauses, a little reticent to reveal this last injury... "Well...a seagull pooped in me eye..." "What? Seagull poops in your eye and now you need an eye-patch?" "Aye...T'was me first day with the hook..."

Not guilty Paddy went to trial for armed robbery. After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Remember that AMA guy whose mother slept with him because he had broken his arms? She was adding incest to injury.

Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker. Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries. Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children." "Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says. "Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief. "Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function." The second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. the man can see with perfect 20-20 vision. The union worker, seeing this, shouts "Don't touch me! I'm on permanent disability!"

What do you call Big Boi and André 3000 from OutKast with a bad injury? InKast

My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury. I'm better today though, no worries.

Sports injury Last night on ESPN I was watching Women's beach volleyball. About three minutes into the game, there was a really bad wrist injury. The doctor said I should be fine in a few days though.

A Man In Court A man has just been found guilty by the jury. The judge asks him "do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?" "Fuck all," says the defendant. The judge asks his defence council "what did he say?" "He said 'fuck all' your honour." The judge replies "are you sure, I could have sworn I saw his lips move!"

How did you die? Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a massive head injury," says the first man. "You see, I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one has hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I hit the top step, I tripped, fell three flights of stairs, and landed square on the back of my head. Dead." The second man shakes his head, "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Frustrated Class Finals A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A jury finds a man not-guilty in court... During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty. Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!" The judge replied: "Temporary insanity". To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"

An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife... An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife and is claiming temporary insanity as a defense. He is on the stand and is asked to describe the crime in his own words. "Your Honor, I am a quiet, peaceful man who never bothers anyone. For the last twenty years, I get up at eight every morning, have breakfast at eight thirty, arrive at work at nine, leave work at five thirty, find dinner on the table, and spend the rest of the evening relaxing. Every day, awake at eight, breakfast at eight thirty, work at nine, home at five thirty, dinner on the table at six. Until the day in question -" and he pauses here, noticeably upset. The lawyer asks him to continue. He takes a deep breath and starts again: "On the day in question, I woke at eight, had breakfast at eight thirty, was at work at nine, finished at five thirty. But when I came home there was no dinner on the table and no sign of my wife. I went up to the bedroom and found her in bed with a strange man. So I killed her." The lawyer asks: "And what were your emotions at that time?" "I was furious. Enraged. Frenzied even. Completely unable to control what happened. Gentlemen of the jury, when I come home at six o'clock, supper HAS to be on the table"

I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a "ladies man." But the jury preferred the term "rapist."

The Wikipedia entry for 'Toe Injury' is a stub.

Just been watching the Olympic ladies beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be okay by Monday.

A man goes to the hospital after his wife has been in a terrible car accident... The doctor meets him in the waiting room, "I'm sorry to tell you that your wife has suffered a terrible injury and is paralyzed from the neck down. From now on, you will need to feed her, clothe her, and help her go to the bathroom. She will rely on you for every waking second. The man, taken aback says, "Oh my god, this is terrible." The doctor can't hold in a chuckle and replies, "Oh I'm just kidding, she's dead."

The Defence A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't"

Male nurse Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies, "Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?" The patient beams and replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit." The nurse is further confused. He fluffs her pillows and moves on to the third patient, who is grimacing with pain. "What seems to be the matter, sir?" The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" The nurse is totally baffled. When he is done with his patients he steps outside and sees the doctor that assigned him to the ward, outside the entrance. "Doctor, what sort of ward is that? A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

A couple wants a divorce A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

I sustained a serious neck injury a few years ago... ...and I've never looked back.

Topical Jokes (5/21) Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words. First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos. More movie news, the trailer for the new "X-Men" flick shows that Wolverine will potentially face grave injury. The harrowing injury comes about when our hero forgets to retract his claws before wiping. This is a cool story, a US Airways flight safely made a belly landing at Newark Airport. The plane was evidently taken down by heavy turbulence originating from Governor Christie's farts at a nearby Long John Silver's. TV news, ESPN has been forced to take major layoffs and budget cuts. You can tell things are getting cheap as now the only athletic event they now can afford to cover is Tiger Woods dodging heels thrown by his exes. In the political sector, Vice President Biden recently ribbed the president for always using a teleprompter. However, nobody seemed to ridicule Biden when he read his recent speech on healthcare reform off the back of a Hooters napkin. And finally, the new Xbox will utilize "the cloud" - so no matter where you are in the world, at any time, you can look up the fact that you lost a brave Call of Duty battle to a 13 year-old user named "GeneralFatPenis69". Thanks for reading again, folks. I really appreciate it!

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? The jury's out on that one.

A Prostitute Goes to Court A Prostitute goes to court with a jury, accused of murdering a customer. After court is done, she comes out of the courtroom. Her friends asks, "So, how was the jury?" Prostitute says, "They were hung."

I got jury duty next week My duty is to convince the jury that I didn't do it.

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her... A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds.” An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but the ten seconds pass, and nothing happens. “Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.” He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty. “Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!” “Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

I've been watching women's Olympic beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be fine by tomorrow.

How did the judge punish the criminal that couldn't get his thoughts in order and kept coming up with excuses that didn't make any sense and it was annoying and the jury became angry and it was so annoying for everyone? It was a run-on sentence.

Guy in court for bank robbery. After 3 weeks of trial the Jury finds the man not guilty, Judge says to the defendant, the Jury have found you not guilty, you are free to leave: The Guy then asks, does this mean I get to keep the money?

Did you hear about the pornstar in court that was tried by a group of his peers? They had a hung jury.

Paddy goes to court for armed robbery! Paddy goes to court for armed robbery! The jury foreman comes out and announced "Not Guilty" "That's Grand", shouted Paddy! "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Just been watching the women's Olympic beach volleyball and there has already been a wrist injury..... But I should be OK by Monday.

While on duty, a police officer comes across an injured baby horse. The cause of the injury unknown, but the officer suspects foal play.

Jury awards $22 million to man locked in closet by East Cleveland police for four days with no food or toilet. R Kelly is going to sue the East Cleveland police for copyright infringement.

The magic Dog A man goes to a casting show for talents with his dog. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Gizmo the magic dog! I ask him a question and he answers it correct!" The jury laughed, but he asked:"Gizmo, what is on top of this house?" "Roof! Roof!", Gizmo said. The audience went quiet. "Gizmo, what can sink ships?" "Reef! Reef!", the dog said. One from the jury asked:"Is this a joke? This dog is just barking!" "Wait! One last question! Gizmo, name one famous composer!" "Orff! Orff!", Gizmo said. Man and dog were thrown out of the building. On the street, Gizmo looked up to his owner and said:"I know, Frank. I should have said Mozart..."

I recently received quite a nasty ear injury in a food fight at a cake shop. So you'll have to forgive me since I'm a trifle deaf.

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever" A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

He was worried for his friend. Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up. Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger! Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?" Rodger replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?" "Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?" "Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. "The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Why does the prosecutor only choose jurors who drive Hummers? So that there's no chance of a hung jury

My father sent me this today.. A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband. Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?" "I don't know yet," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."

Problem 67 Bob and Kathy, two construction workers on the roof of a building, are about to raise a keg of nails from the ground by means of a light rope passing over a light frictionless pulley 10.0 m above the ground. Bob weighs 900 N, Kathy 600 N, the keg 300 N, and the nails 600 N. Both workers slip off the roof, and the following unfortunate sequence of events takes place. Hanging together on the rope, Bob and Kathy strike the ground just as the keg hits the pulley. Unnerved by his fall, Bob lets go of the rope, and the keg pulls Kathy up to the roof, where she cracks her head against the pulley but gamely hangs on. However, the nails spill out of the keg when it strikes the ground, and the empty keg rises as Kathy returns to the ground. Finally, she has had enough, lets go of the rope, and remains on the ground, only to be hit by the empty keg again. Ignoring the possible mid-air collisions that merely added insult to injury, how much did Bob and Kathy get when they sued the construction company?

A man comes home from the bar with a black eye. Seeing her husband's injury, his wife asks, "what happened to you?" "I was hit by a woman at the bar." Seeing his wife's face start to turn angry, he quickly adds, "I was just being polite. I was sitting there, quietly enjoying my drink, when I noticed the young lady sitting next to me had her dress stuck between her butt cheeks. Being a polite gentleman, I reached over and tugged it out. That's when she turned and whacked me, right in the eye." Angry but somewhat understanding of her husband in his intoxicated state, the wife lets it slide and the two go to bed. A week later, the husband returns home from the bar, sporting a second black eye. "What happened this time?" "Well, the young lady from last week was there again this evening," he starts to explain. The wife interrupts, "was her dress wedged between her butt cheeks again?" Incredulous, the husband perks up, "no, but after last week, I figured she liked it that way, so I reached down and shoved it back in."

That’s Better A judge in Louisville decided a jury went ''a little bit too far'' in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

Definition of Jury What is the definition of the word 'jury'? Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

Minnesota Vikings lost their QB to a season ending knee injury. But that's just Water under the Bridge now.

Tractor Accident A guy named Matt was obsessed with tractors. He would enter tractor competitions, he would collect tractor figures, he loved tractors. One day he decides to enter a competition, but this time he is the judge. To win the competition, the tractor has to pull as much weight as it can up a 30m hill. As Matt was watching, the cable broke and swung around, hitting him in the leg. It was a very serious injury and the doctors told him he could never walk again. A few months later, he meets the love of his life. They decide to go on a honey-moon to Vietnam. They were in a restaurant full of people smoking. Smoke was everywhere. His girlfriend started getting uncomfortable with the smoke, and wanted to leave. Matt, being a gentleman, offered to help. He huffed, and puffed, he sucked all the smoke from the restaurant, ran outside, and blew it all out. Everyone was speechless. His girlfriend asks, "How did you do that!?". "I'm an ex-tractor fan"

A man tries to get out of jury duty... The man had used every excuse in the book to try and get out of jury duty. It is finally the first day of the case and nothing has worked so he tries one last attempt, before the case starts the judge asks "does anyone have a valid reason not to be a member of the jury?" To which the man replies "yes, i am biased against the defendant, he is a cheating, lying son of a bitch" he says pointing to a man in a suit to which the judge replys "you may not go, you are just the good character judge we need, that is the lawyer for the defence!"

A redneck is standing trial in front of a jury of English majors.... Judge says: "How do you plead?" The man replies: "I didn't do nothin'!" Jury walks out. Case closed.

A judge in a semi-small city...... was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

From the Hospital... Husband: Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the Hospital. They have been conducting examinations and tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot. Wife: Who is Tina?

What kind of injury results from having an omega-3 bottle thrown at your head? A super-fish-oil wound

Bow Shot Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?” Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.”

To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. "Tell me," began the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?" The man replied, "I don't want to be away from my job that long." "Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge. "Yes," admitted the juror. "But I don't want them to realize it."

A man walks into a bar... ...and is sent to the hospital with a severe head injury.

If a tree falls down in the forest………… Can it hire a personal injury lawyer and sue for damages?

Why was the courtroom stocked with toilet paper? Jury Dootie

What do you call 12 guys with big dicks? A hung jury

Injury Lawyers 4 U Have you been injured? Had a car accident? Fell over on a wet floor at work or tripped on an uneven curb? ... If so, you're a clumsy twat

capital punishment Mrs. Swanson declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial. “But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the fifteen thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a chinchilla coat for her birthday.” “Hmmm,” reflected Mrs. Swanson. “Okay, I’ll serve, I could be wrong about capital punishment.”

Due to the prostitute's arm injury, she can do no more than 5 handjobs a night. Damn handie-cap!

It came to be that Jesus returned to the earthly plane to save all mankind..... To his misfortune upon his arrival, he caught a horrid case of strep throat and was framed for murder. On his day in court he reflected on being part god/part human and he wanted to get himself out of this ill fated event. No miracles. So, he decided to represent himself in front of the jury, but he could not speak due to his illness. Then the brilliant idea struck him, "why not use sign language to plead my innocence?", he thought to himself. He then proceeded to explain his alibi. He was Jesus, the Messiah , the son of God, and of course his peers would believe him. Shortly after his plea to the court he was convicted of murder. It turned out his story was full of holes.

A ghost is helping me recover from an injury..... I guess you could call him a metaphysical therapist.

The jury found me guilty. I asked the judge what the punishment would be, and he said: "Well..." Suspended sentence

A guy is telling his friend a story... Guy: A nut in a bar was telling the bartender's family he could jump over the sun Friend: I'll bet he failed, ha! Guy: Technically no... Friend: What? But it's impossible for someone to jump over the sun! Guy: He almost did - but his foot got caught on a loose nail - he fell into the middle of the sun. Friend: ... Okay... Where is he? Guy: In the hospital with a head injury Friend: (jokingly) and where's the sun? Guy: He's in the hospital too.

What does a room full of White People say to the one black man. We the jury find the Defendant.

A reporter goes to cover the story of a 3 story building on fire... The reporter goes to the fire chief for an interview. "Were there any injuries?" the reporter asks. Fire chief says, "Well, sadly, an African American family lived on the first floor, and they all burned to death." "Oh no, that is horrible!" said the reporter. "Was anyone else injured?" Fire chief responds, "A Puerto Rican family lived on the second floor, and they all died from smoke inhalation." Reporter replies, "That is terrible, oh my god. Was anyone else injured?" Fire chief replies, "A white family lived on the top floor, but none of them were hurt." "How did they escape injury?" the reporter asks. Fire chief responds, "Because they were at work."

Topical Jokes for 1/2 Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid suffered fractured ribs, and broken bones in his face after falling off of a piece of exercise equipment. Reid is no stranger to injury, like the time he tried to open a jar of mayonnaise, and broke both of his legs. In Colorado a survey determined that 90% of residents who voted to legalize marijuana, would vote the same way again. The remaining 10% were too high to understand the question. In Montana, a boy’s parents rewarded him with $500 dollars after he gave up soda for a year. An hour later the boy was found dead, floating facedown in a bathtub full of Dr. Pepper.

What did russian judge say to the jury? I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

Did you hear about the crocodile who assaulted his cousin? The jury found him innocent because his cousin was an insti-gator.

Court joke "After long deliberation and taking into account the evidence brought forth by the prosecution as well as the accounts of the eye-witnesses, not to mention the lack of any sensible argument or indeed the utter absence of remorse from your side, the jury has unanimously found you guilty on all counts and accordingly has decided to impose the maximum punishment of 30 years of imprisonment on you ", the judge said, as he announced the decision to the accused. "So what are your views on the verdict?", the law teacher later asked the group of students that had witnessed the proceedings "In my opinion", replied James with a look of disapproval on his face, "the sentence was too long"

A man is drinking in a bar... A man is drinking in a super-trendy new bar that is located on the top floor of a building downtown. He notices a man at the end of the bar takes a big shot of something he doesn't recognize, then he gets up and quickly runs to the balcony and does a swan dive off the side! He is terrified, runs to the edge, looks over, but is shocked to NOT see the man splattered on the sidewalk. In fact he doesn't see him at all. He sits back down at this seat and figures he must be too drunk, but then a few minutes later he notices the man come out of the elevator, perfectly fine. He sits at the bar, does another shot and then again jumps off the side. The man watches him repeat this routine 4 or 5 times and confident he is not hallucinating he finally walks over and asks how he is able to jump off the side without injury. "This is a special new drink, makes you temporarily able to fly, great stuff" The man is amazed and quickly orders a shot. Then another, then another. After 4 or 5 he works up the nerve to finally go for it. He steps up on the side railing, spreads his arms, and leaps as far as he can. He is excited to feel the rush of flying and the freedom it brings...and then quickly plummets directly down 40 stories and instantly splatters all over the pavement.... Back in the bar, the bartender turns to the other man and says "y'know, you're really an asshole when you're drunk Superman"

What's the most judgemental fruit? A Jury-an

The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.” When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?” “I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”

perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart

Why can't you let a jogger be a potential juror? Because you'll have a runaway jury.

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.” The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked. “They’re people just like you – your equals.” “Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”

I played ten injury-free years between the ages of 12 and 22. Then, suddenly, it seemed like I was allergic to the twentieth century. Former England scrum-half Nigel Melville spent most of the 1980s injured.

Fair Verdict In an Irish courtroom, 12 men sat on the jury. After the trial, the Judge asked for their verdict. ‘We find the man who stole the horse “Not Guilty”,’ said the foreman of the jury. Thanks to Roberta for sending in these classic Irish jokes.

Darren Anderton = Shaggy (After TV cartoon character) and Sicknote (Often unable to play due to injury)