50+ Judge Jokes

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile... In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?” “This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep. “Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?” “I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished. “Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!” “Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!” “Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.” Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.” Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder. The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

"All modifications must be restored to the original." I told this story to a friend. She suggested I share it here. My family and I moved into a house in 2008 - 5 bedrooms, 3,200 sq ft, $1,600 a month. It was a decent price in 2008, and the rent stayed the same for many years. Since I'm reasonably handy, I would fix things myself rather than bother an old man. I lived there so long that I also made quite a few upgrades. In 2024, the owner passed away, and his son inherited the property. A week later, he gave notice of intent to inspect the property. During the inspection, he kept trying to open drawers and look through my belongings, which isn't legally allowed, and was rude when I stopped him. As he left, he handed me a notice that my rent was increasing to $4,000 monthly, about $1,000 over market value. I would have paid higher rent if it had been reasonable, but I wasn't paying that much. My month-to-month lease was worded to require three months' notice to raise the rent. I pointed out this fact, then gave him notice that I would be moving out at the end of that three months. A few days later, I was served with an eviction notice. The month-to-month lease also required three months' notice to evict me without cause, so he tried evicting me with cause. He claimed I had made "unauthorized modifications" to the house and cited the back door with a dog door installed. I still had the original door in the garage and the previous owner's permission, so it was neither unauthorized nor a modification. Regardless, the judge decided I needed to move out within 30 days, or he would grant the eviction. Additionally, he explicitly ordered that all modifications be restored to the original. This is where the malicious compliance comes in, and I'm sure you already see this coming. All the "Smart House" additions I made were removed. The tool shed in the yard was removed. The pond was filled in. Closet organizers were torn out. Garage organizers were removed. The updated appliances were replaced with basic models. Every update I made was removed, and then I moved out. He sued me for removing everything. His lawyer cited a law that says any changes to the property become part of the property, and it's illegal to remove them when vacating the property. However, my lawyer pointed out the order from the previous judge, stating, "All modifications must be restored to the original." I provided receipts for all the things I had removed, proving I had added them and was required to remove them. I won the case, and he had to pay my legal fees. A few months later, I got a call from his sister. Some of my mail had not been forwarded, and she wanted to ensure I got it. We had a short conversation about the entire ordeal. She told me the house was actually inherited by four siblings. Her brother had lied to everyone. First, he had raised the rent, knowing I would move out. He already had a deal to sell the house to one of those big rental companies. He told his siblings the house had negative equity and nobody would get anything from the sale. In reality, the house was paid off and worth about $700,000. They had made an offer on the house, which included all the stuff I later removed. He couldn't afford to replace everything, so they took him to court over the sale. Since all four siblings were listed as owners, all were named in the lawsuit, which is how they learned the truth. In the end, the house sold for $550,000. In exchange for not pressing fraud charges against him, his three siblings split the proceeds, and he got nothing. **Edit:** A lot of people asked the same questions. Rather than respond to them individually, I will post them here. **Q. How did everything happen so fast after the landlord died?** A. I guess my wording wasn't clear. I don't actually know when he died. I only talked to the guy once or twice a year. This all started about a week after I was notified of his death in February of 2024. I moved out in early June. We went to court over the removals in September, and I spoke with his sister in December. Everything I posted happened over the span of nearly a year. **Q. Why did I rent for 17 years instead of buying a house?** A. I moved into the house during my divorce in 2008. Buying a house during a divorce is not easy. I chose this house because it was large enough for me and three kids and close to their schools. By the time they moved out, I was set in my ways. I planned to buy another place at some point but was in no rush. **Q. How did his siblings not know what he was up to?** A. I don't know. Everything involving me was my firsthand experience. Everything that happened after that was secondhand information I got from his sister. I can't confirm what she told me; I can only share what she said. **Q. Why did I do so many upgrades in a rental?** A. I wasn't tearing out walls or replacing floors. Everything I did was reversible and done to make my life easier. Also, the landlord was re

I apologise if this isn't allowed. New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports . They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES...

Accused of stealing/embezzling electricity from employer For almost two decades I worked security in office buildings, night shift, so I could work on my novel drafts. At work, in the idle hours between rounds and other security duties, I wrote on an iPad with bluetooth keyboard and I had connected their chargers to the electric outlets in my security reception desk. \[I get a lot of comments on how I shouldn't write at work and that was why I was singled out. These commenters are wrong. They do not understand that my work was 'guarding' an empty office after hours between 23.00-07.00 hours. This involved a maximum of two hours of actual work (walking rounds, checking if all the keycards had been returned, answering phone calls), leaving six hours to pass the time and stay awake. Most of my coworkers filled that time with non-productive activities like watching TV, playing games, filling out crossword puzzles. Others were college students who studied for their exams or wrote on their thesis. And I knew this beforehand, which is why I chose a low paying job way below my level specifically because I would have hours to read books and write on my novels. They could only fire me if I fell asleep or didn't follow up on alarms, but not for spending the 'idle hours' writing.\] I had a manager who had a personal problem with me and tried to get me fired. Since I performed my duties above average, he had to find a way to get me on something else. So, one day, I was called to HQ for a meeting with my manager and ~~a floozy from HR~~ a young female intern from the Human Resources department who spent the whole meeting flirting with my idiot manager (who was married to the company owner's daughter). I was accused of theft. Stealing electricity for my laptop. I told them that if they wanted to accuse me, they had to do it properly. I hadn't committed theft. I had committed embezzlement, since the electricity was part of my reception area and under my supervision. Therefore, embezzlement is a vastly more insidious crime and they should send me home and gather the disciplinary committee to judge whether I should be fired for this crime and I would confer with my union rep. They immediately retracted their accusation and stopped bothering me with their nonsense. All my colleagues charged their devices from company outlets, so their accusation would mean every employee could be arrested for electricity embezzlement. Then the irate manager hung up a sign in the security area that nobody was allowed to charge their personal devices. So I took a typewriter to work, so I didn't need to charge my writing implements. Also, I had a Nokia that would hold a charge for several days, but my coworkers had smartphones that needed juice, so they got angry at management for signs about not being allowed to charge their phones and that complaint spread to other locations, forcing the management to remove the signs and allow people to charge their phones again, and I could hook up my iPad+BT keyboard again. Addendum: The 'stealing electricity' was just a rage-bait excuse to provoke me to get into an emotional outburst to my manager, so he could fire me for insubordination. Instead, my response made him escalate to posting signs about the petty electricity rule that angered my coworkers with management. Commenting on the cost of electricity misses the point - it was never about the theft of electricity. The accusation was intentionally ridiculous to provoke a quarrel. Also, in the Netherlands the novel that I write is my intellectual property and there is no legal clause in our contracts that the company should get financially compensated for part of the novel been writing 'under company time'.

Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself. One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!" God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it." His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized." E: If you think the joke is funny you should see all the butthurt 9/11 conspiracy theorists in the comments

The king of france...[NSFW] ...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one. The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!" The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la españa!!" The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!" Edit: I posted this whilst high, The title of the post is part of the joke the ellipses symbolise this

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country. They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."

The Judge says to the defendant, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "*You dirty rat!*" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "*You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!* At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

I Want A Divorce A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

A married woman is caught shoplifting a bag of apples. In court the judge says "I don't usually do this but to set an example, I'm sentencing you to spend a day in jail, one for each apple. That's a week in total." Her husband raises his hand, "Your honor, I have to confess, she also stole a bag of rice the day before."

A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding... Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle. They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?". Jimmy speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding its tradition for the first mate have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy didn't take to kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!!" "Right in the pussy?!?" The judge cringes as he says, "That must have hurt". Jimmy says, "Hurt!!?? Broke three of me fingers!!!"

My wife told me "You're terrible in bed" I told her it is unfair to make a judgement in less than 12 seconds.

"I don't care what you have to do to improve morale, just do it." This was in a commercial printing company, after a couple of months of really ridiculous mandatory overtime (12h/7d weeks). So one day, when it was slow, I shut down production in the entire building. I gave them instructions to make the best paper airplane they could out of any piece of paper they can find in the shop. I stood at the end of the shop and judged whose plane flew the farthest and gave him the rest of the day off with pay. A couple of months later, after I had discovered the diet Pepsi and Mentos phenomenon, we did that in the parking lot for a half an hour (on the clock). Sometime later, while I was talking to the COO who had given me the directive on increasing morale, I brought this up and he said, "You did *what?* Anymore incentives that cost the company money will have to go through me now." OK.

Finding my crush—a prominent Christian leader—on Grindr felt like a miracle, and I eagerly accepted his private invitation, thrilled to know he was just a closet gay. As what I thought was a sweet caress tightened into a chokehold, my fading vision watched him move my profile into “Judged Sinners” and type a polite hello to the next target.

I hired a prostitute yesterday. Her interview went well and I don't judge people based on their previous professions.

Here’s one that has probably never been heard Years ago I worked for a suburban police department, fairly small but average size for my state. Many people suspect that these smaller towns generate revenue off tickets/citations and that is generally true. My boss, the chief, was in his heyday a “go getter”..loved writing tickets and therefore expected us to follow suit. I was a patrol supervisor-a sergeant-so I was expected to set the standard for the others to follow. One month I’d been called in and counseled about my low “stats”..in other words, I wasn’t writing enough tickets. Legally, they cannot tell a police officer to write tickets and quotas are illegal but..your overall “contacts”, which includes citations, written warnings, and arrests, can be used as a metric to judge performance. Mine were low..typically 20ish tickets and warnings in an agency where most were writing 70-150 tickets a month. I didn’t sign up to be a revenue generator though and it didn’t sit well with me to have to make someone decide between paying a stupid ticket for a broken headlight or feeding their family. Anyway, I was told that I needed to improve my contacts. Yes sir was my response, knowing that he meant write more tickets but couldn’t tell me to write more tickets. So..my contacts improved. Every single person I stopped that month, which if memory serves was around 40, got a written warning. No tickets. No revenue generated. The following month after our stats had been compiled-and posted on the wall of shame for all to see-I was called back into his office. You wrote 40 warnings last month and no tickets, he said. Yes sir, that sounds about right, I replied. And none of those deserved a ticket? Well, I used officer discretion, and in my opinion, none of them did. He was angry by this point and told me he knew the game I was playing. I’m not playing a game, I told him. You said my contacts needed to improve, so are they or are they not improved over the previous month? Oh yeah, they improved alright you smartass, he said.. That was the last time I was hounded about stupid stats or contacts.

“Grok, is this true?” I lazily asked the helpful AI chatbot. My job as a judge has become so much easier ever since the court authorised its use for criminal trials.

The lawyer they gave me said if I told the judge I was dumb and didn't understand what I did I would be locked up forever so I said I was smart. The meal was nice but my mom was crying so I asked if I could save some for later.

Farmer Conor had an accident A farmer named Conor had a tractor accident and was thrown into a ditch after being hit by a truck. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hotshot lawyer was questioning him. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, *‘I’m fine’*?” asked the lawyer. Conor responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, *‘I’m fine!’*?” Conor said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor, and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time, the judge was interested in Conor’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.” Conor thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deere tractor right in the side. “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. “Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. “Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, *‘How are you feeling?’*” “Now tell me, Judge, how would you answer?”

“How about one you haven’t manhandled?!” hey all it’s no caps OP (still haven’t figured it out ) I had a deli customer come in today along with many many regulars as it is the witching hour and everyone’s on lunch. im wearing gloves. I prepared most of the food the customers see before them. but sometimes in my haste in packaging their requests my gloved hands make physical contact with their food. so in comes my least favorite guy. the guy who asks me what the Swedish meatballs are and I say “Swedish meatballs “ , and then he proceeds to say “…because there’s so much sauce on them it’s impossible to tell “. like it’s totally unnecessary. he literally puts too much sauce on everything. not that I can judge him. but anyway saucy comes in and asks for four tenders. I have like 12 left and I’m doing the math. I know that the guy behind him gets 8 tenders minimum every day. as I’m bagging them with the tongs one my fingers holding them bag touches like one tender. He loses it. ”hey! how about you give me some tenders you didn’t put your hands all over ! “ enter MC before he can interject any further Ingo to the next customer hey what can you get while waiting for new tenders ! oh give me the rest of those “! you got it chief. then other guy loses it as I toss his manhandled tenders aside and tell my manager “sophi” to start a new batch. I told saucy that “don’t worry I won’t touch these ones “ “that’s not what I meant!” ahhh the MC battlecry of defeat. he waited thirteen minutes for new tenders TLdr: made a guy new tenders.

Mickey & Minnie Mouse are in divorce court The judge says: "I'm sorry Mr Mouse, you can't divorce your wife because she's acting silly" And Mickey says: "Your Honor, I didn't say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy"

Bob was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She claimed that during an argument he had called her a pig. Bob was found guilty and fined $100. After the trial he approached the judge and asked, "Does this mean that I can no longer call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge confirmed that that was true. "Well, then would I be allowed to call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" he then asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action. Content with that answer Bob started to walk out of the courtroom, turned to his neighbor and said “Good day, Mrs. Johnson."

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question. The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy. The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion: The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone.

Court Ruling from the UK A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Open and Shut A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds." An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens. “Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.” He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty. “Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!” “Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

I'm just back from Walt Disney world so.... Micky Mouse wants a divorce. Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie. Mickey (stunned): Why not? Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy. Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fucking Goofy!

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle... A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Who keeps the children? A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" EDIT: keyboard forgot quote marks

The greatest swordsman in the world. There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces. The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up: "sir... The fly is still alive." "Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

A pregnant woman goes into a coma A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?" "Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them". She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?" The doctor says "He named the girl Denise" And she thinks, “Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name" What did he name the boy?" Replies the doctor "De nephew."

Neighbor The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand. Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?" Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy." Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?" The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before." The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket. The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?" The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench and said: “Ma’am, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court.” “Why is that Your Honor?” asked the teacher. The judge smiled with delight and said: “I’m going to need you to sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run red a light’ 500 times.” 🤣

John murders his wife Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up. “Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.” Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murders on his hands, John let’s Jeff go free. A few months later after a policy enquiry John is called into court for murder. As he walks in he sees Jeff in the witness stand and looks at the Judge. “Fuck” he whispers to his lawyer. “What’s wrong?” the lawyer asks “I made that witness promise he wouldn’t tell a soul about what he saw. “So what’s the problem?” the lawyer asks again “The judge is a fucking ginger.”

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem... The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

My neighbor's wife attacked her husband with his guitar collection. At her arraignment the judge asked, "First offender?" She said "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills. He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?" John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come" Lars: nod. "Just to warn ya, these parties usually involve drinking" John: "don't worry about me, I can hold my liquor" Lars: "might be some drugs too" John: "well I may not partake, but no judgement on anyone who does" Lars: "usually a bit of fighting as well" John: "I'm pretty easy going... and if I have to I can take care of myself" Lars: "I've also seen some pretty nasty sex going on at these parties..." John: "after several months, that actually sounds pretty awesome!" Lars: nods turns to leave. John: "hey, before you go, what should I wear? Casual? Semi-formal?" Lars: "don't matter... just gonna be the two of us"

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors but he turned himself in... ...after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the man.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer... They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

My ex coworker as a youth. Before I begin, its lengthy, but its a funny story. Since its second hand take it as you will. So as my title states, this is an ex coworker from a job many years ago when he was in his teens, so late 1950's to early 1960's. He shall be known as M. M grew up in a small town. When I say small, I mean one traffic light, gas station, diner, post office and a couple of other things. And a library (this factors in later). M and his buddies were bored. They didn't have much to do in town and the next bigger town was an hour drive one way (knowing his age it was up hill both ways). So they were as teens, with cars, bored. They decide to go to the library. They find a book. And in this tome, they find the perfect night time activity. Giddy with excitement (im embelishing since I dont know for sure) they get their supplies. Cue night time. M and his friends get into their cars, and start driving down the roads and criss-cross through the small town making lots of racket. Nothing dangerous and they're driving below the speed limit. About an hour later, the ONE sheriff for the town pulls the guys over and gives them tickets for disturbing the peace and a summons to appear in court. Court: They stand before the judge (known now as J).. J reads the case details and asks how they plead. M has been nominated as speaker for the group and informs J as such with his friends agreeing. M: Your honor, my friends have elected me to speak on their behalf. And before we go further can I ask a question? J: Proceed. M: When we enter our plea, may I explain why we did it? J: Absolutely. M: Well then your honor, for the charge of disturbing the peace, we plead guilty since we in fact were. BUT your honor, we had good cause. The judge is equal parts irritated and intrigued. J: OK, I need to hear this. Proceed. M: Thank you your honor. Essentially, we are both guilty and innocent. Guilty because we did do what it claims on the ticket. We are innocent because of what we DID is actually a law. J: Come again? M: Well we were in the library and found a copy of the laws for the town. And inside of it we found this law: All horseless carriages MUST drag 8 feet of logging chain with links of 3/4 inch behind itsself at night. J: Clerk go to the library and bring this book. A few minutes later the clerk brings it before the judge. J: Show me. M: Give me a moment sir (paws through until finding the page). M: Here your honor. Judge looks at it and sure enough there is in fact a law describing what M claimed. J: There charges are dismissed, but dont do it again because it will not be in this book. Sorry for the lengthy post, but im riding the train into work and had time to type it out (on my cell btw). But I did warn you...

The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Ok, fine...I'll just sit here! If you've read my lasts few posts in this sub-Reddit, they all seem to deal with truck driving. This one is shorter, but no different. I mainly drove central and eastern Pa, southern New York, New Jersey, Delaware, Northeast Maryland, and sometimes eastern Ohio and southern Connecticut and Virginia. Unfortunately, that region puts me in several cities Philadelphia, Wilmington, New York, Richmond, and Baltimore. As well as slightly smaller cities like Harrisburg, Trenton, Dover, Newark, and everything in between. The thing to realize as a driver in the city is people hate or don't care about trucks. In their mind we are just a large, slow moving, annoyance and something to get around so they can get their latte and go about their day. They don't realize the danger of cutting off trucks or stopping short in front of one at speed. Or that I can't always see you while driving or backing. So as a truck driver you are always on alert for danger. Initially I hated driving in the cities but eventually got used to it. I would be backing up slowly to enter or exit an ally and people would pull up and park directly behind me. Or walk directly behind the truck. You learn to judge each situation on a case-by-case basis. Usually, your best-case scenario it to keep going slow till you are 100% sure you're going to hit something, then stop if absolutely necessary. Case in point I'm loaded with roofing materials for a commercial roofing job. I am driving our largest truck in the fleet, a twin stick Mack with a 42ft boom crane. This thing was big! It had wide flotation tires on the front axle. If you don't know what they are. They generally are twice the width and diameter of regular truck tires and tend to float on a dirt surface rather than sink in like a normal tire would, due to the extra-large footprint. The upside is they were able to support much more weight without sinking in the ground. The downside is turning radius. This truck was 20ft shorter than an 18-wheeler with a 53ft trailer but had the same turning radius. So, this one day in 1997 I am headed to a delivery just outside of Phila. (Upper Darby to be exact). I'm at a high traffic signaled intersection traveling south and I have to turn right to head east. Each corner had a 2 straight thru\\ right turn lanes, one in each direction, and dedicated left turn lane, signaled. As normal I approach the red light stopping about 50 ft short of the light. Once the left turn lane clears, I can then swing left before turning right. This is the proper way to make a turn of this nature. A lot of times I see trucks turn right from the left turn lane and that is illegal, and wrong because it allows traffic to come up on your right side. The proper way is to approach in the right lane, swing wide left when clear, then turn right. However, I notice as I am waiting for the lights to do their thing and my opportunity to make my turn. This lady pulls well over the white line of the left turn lane on the east side of the intersection. So as traffic clears and I make the turn I cannot complete it because she is too far forward in her lane. So, I have to stop mid turn. For those unaware. At major intersections there is a thick white line painted across the intersection defining where you are supposed to stop if the light is red. This allows trucks and emergency equipment to make the turn as needed. This helps keep traffic flowing. Now back to the story. I signal to the lady to back up so I can complete the turn, and she signals back no. She is the only car there, no one behind her. I signal again and she furiously signals no! Malicious Compliance initiated! I put the truck in neutral, set the brakes, shut the engine off, and just sit there. Traffic in the north and southbound lanes are squeezing behind the truck. East bound can only turn right, and no other traffic can move. She can't move; I can't move. I'm paid by the hour, she is not! A few light cycles go by, and traffic is completely jammed. Of course, the police were called. I could tell by the cops demeaner that it was reported that a truck was blocking the intersection. Because the first thing he did when he got there was to order me to back up. Here's the rub. As a truck driver, if I back up and hit anything I am liable no matter the circumstance, even with someone guiding me, Hence a police officer cannot legally tell me to back up! So I tell him no. He then tucks tail and orders the lady to back up and she argues with the cop. I could not hear what was said but I imagine the word ticket was involved. Which she qualified for disobeying traffic control devices. Finally, she backs up as I start up the truck again and complete my turn in the allotted space. I never saw her or the cop again and laughed for a few miles as I headed to the job. I don't know if she ever got a ticket. But just another day driving a truck that made me smile.

Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs. The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?" The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison..."

Judge: "Micky, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse, because she is not crazy" "I didn't say she was crazy Judge, I said she was fucking Goofy"

A guy is in court facing murder charges The judge says "you're charged with murdering your wife with an ax." A guy at the back of the court yells "you bastard." The judge then says "you're also charged with murdering your mother in law with an ax." The guy at the back of the court again yells "you bastard." The judge addresses the guy at the back and says "sir I realize these charges are upsetting but please refrain yourself." The man replies "you don't understand judge. I lived next door to this man for 10 years and every time I asked to borrow an ax he said he didn't have one.

A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan. After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant. "Private, how is everything?" he asks. "It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women?" The Staff Sergeant motions towards the south end of the base and says "The boys have some camels tied up over there. No one's gonna judge you out here, son." The Private shook his head in disgust, telling himself he would never stoop that low. A few weeks later, the Private is pent up. He needs release. He finally decides to join the club, so early one morning he gets up, walks over to the camels, and unties one. He begins pumping away at the camel from behind, when the Staff Sergeant and the Major discover him. "Private, just what in the fuck do you think you're doing?!" the Staff Sergeant asks. "But, you said.." the Private stammers, still inside the camel. "You said the boys have these camels tied up!" "You idiot," the Sergeant says. "The boys ride the camels into town to hire a prostitute."

I asked the judge to shorten my sentence and he interrupted me

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Grounds for divorce A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madan, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me.”

Judgement day Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy. The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?". "Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".

A guy is on trial for bestiality… The judge looks down at him from the bench and asks, “Son, what in the hell were you thinking when you were having sex with that cow?” The guy looks up at him and says, “Your honor, I suppose I was thinking of a younger, prettier looking cow.”

A woman is on trial... ...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?" The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender." Edit: Grammar.

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court. The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

An orphan had a rough year... He had been adopted three times. The first family had a dog that the boy loved, but the father beat the dog daily. The boy reported the family, and he returned to the foster home. The second family had a loving mother that took care of the boy, but the father beat his wife daily. The boy reported the father, and the mother was forced to return the boy to the foster home. The third family seemed very nice at first, but when the father got drunk, he beat the boy. Yet again, the boy reported the father, and returned to the foster home. At this point, the boy was feeling like he would never find a home he could stay in. But a local judge, hearing his story, wanted to give the boy a Christmas present. He visited the boy, and asked what he wanted for Christmas. The boy said, "I want to be adopted by the Houston Texans." Confused, the judge asks the boy why he would want to be adopted by a sports team. The boy smiles and yells, "Cause they don't beat anybody." [Insert the listener's favorite sports team for bonus laughs]

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town... The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

Judge : Anything you say in this court will be held against you. Man : "Titties" Lawyer : Fuck.. He's good

Lawyers -- Be wary of Grandma . . . Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”

Custody Case A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" 😂

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court The judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

A tip for Snowden. Apparently he is traveling all of the world but if you never want to appear in front of an American judge there is only one place to go... Guantanomo bay

Minnie and Mickey Mouse are getting a divorce... The divorce court judge looks down at the paperwork and says to Mickey "It says here that you want to divorce Minnie because you think she is crazy?" And Mickey replies, "No, I said I want a divorce because she is fucking Goofy!"

Mickey Mouse is getting a divorce from Minnie. The Judge says: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't grant you a divorce because you say she is insane." Mickey Says: "Judge, I didn't say she was insane, I said she's fucking Goofy."

Murderous neighbor A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars The Judge asked "First time offender?" She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and, when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. 'Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court, he said, smiling with delight. 'Now sit down at the table and write, "I will not run a red light" five hundred times!

Traffic court. A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. Now sit down at the table and write, "I will not run a red light five hundred times."

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it."

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle. The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird. He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving." The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?" "Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."

Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.” “Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.” Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?” God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

Death Joke “My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.” “Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?” “The judge told him.”

3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime." So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool." So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go." So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up "My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool." So the judge replies, "well Bobby, as I said to Billy. That is a bit strange at your age, but again, perfectly legal. You are free to go." So Bobby leaves the courtroom, and the third man steps up. "Your honour, my name is Bubbles--"

Grandma in Court! In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him". The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

A man that's always lived a righteous life passes away in his sleep.. he finds himself at the end of a long line of people chatting about their lives and the last things they were doing, as he gets closer to the front he can see St Peter at a podium standing in-between two doors, he can see when the doors open on one side it's people reading, hugging, chatting, children playing in the background When the other door opens he can see beer kegs as far as the eyes can see, men in lounge chairs with beautiful women crawling all over them filling their glasses, when his turn finally comes St Peter says "Heaven" a door opens, the man looks up and says "I don't mean to question your judgement but hell looks a lot more entertaining" St Peter leans down and says "I'll let you in on a secret, those kegs have holes in them, the women, Do Not"

A man is on trial for beating his wife with his guitar collection The judge asks, "first offender"? The man replies, "No, first a Gibson; then a Fender."

JESUS AND SATAN ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION... Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, **"Jesus saves."** [Source](http://smile.xonaki.com/Joke/EN?categoryCode=EN&jokeId=112)

An 89 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her "What did you steal?" "I stole a can of peaches." The judge asked her why she stole a can of peaches, and without hesitation she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail, one day for each peach stolen." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said yes. The husband says, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Doing Drugs O o Going to Prison o O Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.” On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?” "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?” ”I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, “This is your asshole before going to prison.................."

An old lady was arrested for shoplifting carrots. At her court hearing the judge looked at her and said "I'm going to sentence you to one month for every carrot you stole to teach you a lesson..you stole four carrots so that's four months jail time for you." Before he could swing his gavel down the old lady's husband raises his hand and says "Your honor, can I make a statement on behalf of my wife before you pass sentencing?" The judge says "Yes, make it quick I have other cases to try today." The husband looks at his wife, then the judge and says "She also stole a can of peas."

A young boy sees a tall black man The boy says "wow you must be good at basketball!" The black man irritably says "That's racist, just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm good at basketball." The boy replies "I said you must be good at basketball because you are tall. If I judged you for being black, I wouldn't have said you were good at anything."

In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business. Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till The bar owner sued the church authorities for $2million on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible For the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop’s demise. In support of their claim they referred to the Benson study at Harvard that inter-cessionary prayer had no impact ! As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork and at the hearing and commented: ‘I don’t know how I am going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church and its devotees that doesn’t.’ ____ [Source](http://www.whitec0de.com/a-very-funny-hypocrite-situation-must-read/)

Mickey Mouse arrives in divorce court The judge says, "So you want to divorce Minnie just because she is mentally deranged?" Mickey responds," I never said that she was mentally deranged I said she was fucking Goofy".

An unholy competition Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So, Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused, They did spreadsheets, They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail, They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded, They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." [Source](http://www.squarewheels.com/jokes/computerjokes.html)

Judge, "Sir, you have been found not guilty." Me, "Thank you. I promise to never do it again."

What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common? (NSFW) You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it anyway.

Mickey Mouse is on trial for the murder of Minnie Mouse The judge asks to clarify, "The report here says your motive for killing her is for being too silly?" "No your honor, she was fucking Goofy"

Two men walk into a bar. . . They look to the left and see a doctor, a lawyer and a rabbi. They look to the center and see a farmer, a pastor and a cow. To the right they see a genie, a salesman and a judge. The first man turns to his friend and says "Lets get out of here. This place is a god damn joke."

The Greek Legal System A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

Trial in a small town. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me." She continued "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

A Question of Communication A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce? She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property." "No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?" "It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents." He said, "Do you have a grudge?" "No," she replied. "Since we have a carport, we've never really needed one." "Ma'am, has your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded. "About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madame, why do you want a divorce?" "I've never wanted a divorce," the woman replied. "My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

A man is sitting in the dock at court. The judge asks the man for his occupation. "I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies. "And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires. "I was making a bolt for the door".

Before you judge someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.. After that, it doesn’t really matter, they’re a mile away and you’ve got their shoes.

Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe... They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned into the village for your judgement" They all agreed that they didn't want to die and decided to go for Jhingalala. The first guy gets summoned to the village, gives his choice. The head tribesman yells ,"JHINGALALA!" which was followed by the most painful screams of the man. After a minute, he gets ushered away, as he continues to scream, into the forest to be released. The second guy is summoned, the head tribesman yells "JHINGALALA!" and the same event unfolds. Scared, the third guy tries to look through the foliage to understand what Jhingalala was and to his horror, he saw one tribesman shoving a spiked rod up the rear end of the man as the head tribesman watches. As the second guy was being ushered away, he yells "Choose death! It's not worth it!" The last man gets summoned. After seeing that horrific sight, he was ready to die. Death would be quick and the agony wouldn't be as much. The head tribesman asked him which punishment he would like to choose. He replies, "Death." The head tribesman yells, "JHINGALALA TILL HE DIES!"

If life was like middle school Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you? Criminal: Nope Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison. Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*! Judge: I don't care who started it.

I was in court the other day when the Judge asked me "You look familiar. Have you ever been up before me?" ​ I replied "I don't know. What time do you usually wake up?"

My favorite joke!(sorry if its been posted before) So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

Three men are standing before a judge. The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. " I blew bubbles in the park.", the man said. "That is not a crime. You are free to go.", the judge replies. He then asks the second man why he was arrested. "I also blew bubbles in the park.", he said. The judge said that he didn't break the law and was free to go. The judge then ask the third man why he was arrested. "I'm Bubbles."