50+ Hockey Jokes

What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after three periods!^I^will^see^myself^out^now

Don't assume I am a crook This happened a few years back, when I was between jobs, a mini-recession was underway, and I wanted a who-cares job in a high-energy environment. I ended up managing a food stand at the local NHL hockey arena. In the stand there was myself (Stand Lead), one head cashier, a cook, a runner, and a number of cashiers. This company started from the position that all their employees were crooks - sorry to be so blunt, but that was their reality. It was not an unfounded position - refilling beer cups and pocketing the cash from the sale was not a rare practice. I had two of my cashiers fired after secret shoppers caught them. The trick was to do this with non-inventory items. At the start and end of a night I counted everything: Beer cups, the cardboard triangles on which pizza was served, popcorn bags, bags of potato chips, etc. Bulk items could not be counted: Popcorn, draft beer, nacho chips, etc. At the end of the night we garbaged the bulk items that cannot be carried over to the next night: Cooked hot dogs, pizza sliced, popcorn, etc. We may have wolfed down a few items. "We're closed, I'm going to toss these three leftover slices in the bin, anyone want one?" I recorded the waste (three slices), but they may not have all made it into the garbage. Apparently some suit envisioned that stands might loading up with extra food from the delivery folks, or cooking extra hot dogs. Manglement got their panties in a twist about us eating the garbage, and sent a memo that all waste was to be boxed up and carried down to the warehouse. So we did as told. After counting the waste, into the box went a random assortment of pizza slices, hot dogs, and popcorn. It wasn't put in neatly. There was always lots of popcorn. Manglement probably didn't care about the popcorn, but the directive was vague so they got it anyway. The box was stuffed with popcorn. If the warehouse ever did anything with what was in that box, it would be a fermenting fly-infested mess by the time they got around to opening the boxes. At the after-work beer party the directive was discussed, none of the stand leads liked the assumptions made regarding our integrity, and they adopted the practice. A month or two later I had reason to chat with the warehouse on another topic, and I asked them what they did with all the food waste that was brought down. Answer: We toss it right into the dumpster, we're not digging through that mess. "You never go in and count anything?" Nah, the suits tried to make us, but we refused, we already have full time jobs and they wouldn't hire anyone whose job description was to dig through garbage. It's just the suits trying to intimidate you stand leads. I resumed binning my waste, and not lugging anything down to the warehouse. Nobody noticed. I passed the word. Neither we, nor the warehouse, told management. The empty suits never noticed.

give me an example of a tragedy? Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Abbott. 'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not explained Abbott, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Abbott searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Hockey, Mr Pyne and Mrs Bishop was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Abbott, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!

12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn't jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? Because she's dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can't talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it's a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a banana martini please." The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he's actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.

Letter to God Dear God, Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali. Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe. I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.

A man goes into a supermarket to buy a half head of lettuce... (2 punch lines for the price of 1) He goes up to a teenager stocking the shelves and asks, "I'm looking to buy a half-head of lettuce, do you have any?" The teenager replies, "Not that I know of, let me go check in the back." So, he goes into the back, finds his manager, and says, "Can you believe there's some fuckin' asshole out there trying to buy a half head of lettuce?" His boss' eyes go wide and the teen turns around to see that the guy has followed him into the back. Without missing a beat, he continues, "And this fine gentleman is looking to buy the other half!" So after the guy leaves, the manager calls the kid into his office and says "I really liked how quick on your feet you were out there today. Where are you from?" "Canada," replies the teen. "Ah, wonderful people, those Canadians," says the manager. "Nah, they're just a bunch of hockey players and whores," the teen smirks. The managers' eyes narrow and he tightly says "You know, my wife is Canadian." "No kidding!" Says the teen, "What team does she play for?"

I wish life was more like hockey... Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

The Blonde And The Lord A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RING!"

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? A hockey player takes shower after three periods.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.... There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter. He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Hippie jokes Q: How can you tell a hippie has been at your house? A: He's still there. Q: What did he say when you told him to leave? A: Namaste. ___________________ Q: What's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint? A: The joint won't make it all the way around the circle. ______________________ Q: How do you starve a hippie? A: Hide his drug money under the soap. _______________________ Q: What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of weed? A: Man, this music sucks! _______________________ Q: What do hippie chicks and hockey players have in common? A: They both shower and change pads after 3 periods. ______________________ So this guy got his dog really high. He tells the dog "Play dead." And the dog says, "Nah man, play Floyd!" _____________________ Please add more if you think of them, most of my friends are "hippies" and these jokes freakin crack me up.

One of my favorite hockey jokes On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers' jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth." As the pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said. "He may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know nothing about shark fishing... How's the bait holding up?"

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

A young Iraqi hockey player The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US . Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason. Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time." The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry? You're Sorry?!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"

Why did the referee blow his whistle at the leper hockey game? There was a face off at centre ice.

Did you hear about the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes? Because icing is not allowed.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

Hockey players are like goldfish The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

Met a girl the other day and asked her her name. She said, "Carmen". I said it was a nice name. She said it's from the two things she likes most, cars and men. Then she asked me my name. I held out my hand and said... BJ Tittyfuck von Hockey.

Why is Jesus bad at hockey? He always gets nailed to the boards.

What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.

What's the difference between a hockey player and a French woman? Hockey players shower after three periods.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after three periods.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face-off in the corner.

Why is hockey the bloodiest sport? It has three periods.

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners? Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

What do a hippie-chick and a hockey player have in common? Both don't shower until after 3 periods.

What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

Do you know what an enforcer does on a hockey team? Just checking.

Why do Canadian women use hockey pucks instead of tampons? Because they last for 3 periods.

Water polo was invented After a particularly heated game of ICE Hockey

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? He doesn't want to get nailed to the Boards.

Why was the leper hockey game cancelled? There was a face off in the corner

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto? So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

What's the difference between a hippy and a hockey player? The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

What's a Pedophile's Favorite Part about Hockey? Getting there before the first period.

I was at a hockey game yesterday and I came up with this horrible joke. Why are women bad luck at hockey games? Because they never have good periods.

A Canadian, an American, and a Pakistani are wandering through the desert They're wandering along hoping to find some water or a ride out of the vast desert. As they trot along, the Canadian kicks a metal lamp that was buried in the sand. They pick it up and rub it, then out pops a genie. The genie says, "since there are three men present I will grant you all one wish." The Canadian quickly replies, " Good sir, if it's not too much trouble, I wish for Canada to thrive forever and always. May our lands be fertile, our hockey teams excellent, and our people even better." The genie nods his head and it is done. The Pakistani insists on going next. He says, "Oh powerful djinn, I ask that you would surround the entire Muslim world with a wall so high that no western influence, soliders or bombs could corrupt or change our way of life. I pray that the Muslim people would be free to do as they wished forever and ever." The genie nods his head and it is done. The American says, "fill his wall with water."

Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.

There's a Mexican, An American and a Canadian on a blimp... The blimp starts falling out of the sky, so the three men start throwing anything they brought that they don't need. The Canadian says, "there's too many of these in my country," and throws a bunch of hockey sticks out of the blimp. The Mexican says, "There's too many of these in my country," and throws out his sombrero. The American says, "There's too many of these in my country,"... And throws the Mexican off the blimp.

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play. Damn near froze to death on left wing.

What's the difference between a hockey player and a feminist hippie chick? A hockey player will take a shower after three periods.

Why do Canadians like doggy style so much? So they can both watch the hockey game!

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore? He kept on getting nailed into the boards.

What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common? Loud fans

Why do girls suck at playing hockey as goalie? Because there are 3 periods and only 2 pads

I watched hockey before it was cool. They basically were swimming.

Went to fight.. Hockey game broke out.

Why dosn't Jesus christ play hockey? Because he'd always get nailed into the boards

Whats the difference between a feminist and a hockey player hockey player showers after 3 periods

What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices? Wayne Regretsky

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons? Cuz they last for three periods. (I am truly sorry)

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing... They hope he resurfaces soon.

Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic." I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

The first testicular guard, the "cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means that it only took 100 years for men to figure out that their brain is also important. Quit laughing.

Hockey players are good at making new friends. They break the ice really quickly.

What's the difference between a hockey player and my exgirlfriend? A hockey player will shower after 3 periods

Why do hockey players wear so many pads? Because they have 3 periods every game!

The three businessman: Canadian, Mexican and American, are flying to the meeting... … the pilot comes on the radio and tells the three passengers that they need to throw something that they don’t need. Mexican goes first and throws out tacos. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: “we have a lot of them back home.” Canadian throws out hockey stick. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: “we have a lot of them back home.” American throws out the Mexican saying: “we have a lot of them back home.”

A guy walks into a bar and orders an Ovechkin... (Hockey joke) The bartender looks confused and asks "What the hell is an Ovechkin?" The guy says "It's a White Russian with no ice and no cup!"

Did you hear about the hockey game where all the players had leprosy? There was a face off in the corner.

So let's say there was this hockey player from the Niagara area, and he trips during a game as often happens. So wouldn't that be called... Niagara Falls? This one popped into my head while I was falling asleep a while ago and I didn't realize there's a sub for this exact type of joke.

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?' The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

if Lays had invented air hockey it would be just air

Ice fishing One day, in the middle of winter, a man decides he wants to go ice fishing. So he gets his gear and goes out to the nearest piece of ice he can find and begins setting up. Just as he is about to put his drill to the ice, however, he hears a voice calling from the distance, "there's no fish there!" He looks around, and can't see anyone, but the voice calls again "there's no fish there!" Fortunate to not have wasted his time, the man takes the voice at it's word and sets out to find another spot. So he walks around on the ice for a bit before he finds another spot, and just before he would drill into the ice the voice comes again, "there's no fish there!" A third time the man goes walking, finds another spot, and just as he's about to drill the voice calls one more time, "There's no fish there!" The man looks around again, and yells back "god, is that you?" "No," the voice yells replies, "I'm the manager of the hockey rink!"

Why did Jesus stop playing Hockey? He just kept getting nailed to the boards. Sorry too anyone offended, but come on, why are you here if you get offended. PS, Sorry Jesus, its funny!

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant? He wanted an off-ice job.

What is the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? Hockey players shower after three periods..

Why doesn't jesus play hockey? He's scared of getting nailed into the boards

What's the difference between French women and an NHL hocky team? The hockey team showers after 3 periods.

Why do hipsters love field hockey? Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool.

Hockey is the only place where Waving your stick in someones face will get you the box.

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform? New Jersey

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He kept getting nailed into the boards

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player But he doesn't like to score after the first period

I asked my wife what the score on the hockey game was. I was stuck in traffic. Called home she said it was 2-1 in the third quarter. I said it's not the third quarter it's the third period. She said, oh, that explains all the blood.

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN. It's a decent substitute. After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

What position does the Messiah play in Hockey? Goalie...Jesus saves man))))))

Who is ZZ Top’s favourite hockey player? Gordie Howe Howe Howe Howe

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey? Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards!

Why can't girls play hockey? Their pads can't last three periods

What do you tell a Hockey player messing up with you... ... Stop pucking around

I came home one day and there were five penguins standing in my driveway. I didn't know what to do so I called a vet. His name was Willie and he was in Viet-Nam. " Willie WTF should I do with these Penguins?" Willies says " Take them to the zoo" Good Idea. So I run into Willie downtown a couple of weeks later. " WTF are you doing with those penguins in the back of your truck, I told you to take them to the zoo?" " I did, and we had so much fun I am taking them to a hockey game"

I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is Jerry Hattrick

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus 6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar... ...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight. Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for medical help.

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar... # POST REMOVED **Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

What do your mom and a hockey team have in common? They both go three periods without a shower.

Why did Toronto host the (hockey) World Junior Championships? They wanted to see what a winning team looked like.

Why did they cancel the leper hockey league? There were too many faces off.

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says "at least he got ice on it right away."

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player? It's team spirit.

Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player. His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

What's the difference between a Hippie chick and a Hockey Player? A Hockey Player takes a shower after 3 periods...

What's the diffrence between a... What's the difference between a hockey player and a feminist? After three periods the hockey player takes a shower. How do you confuse a feminist? Tell her that you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.

We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks. Guess we playing cockey now.

What is a mathematician's favorite hockey team? the Edmonton Eulers

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey, eh? He's too hung up on lacrosse.