100+ Gym Jokes

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was. She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

My job told us they would pay more if an employee became bilingual. Felly, dysgais Gymraeg. I had a job that had a standing policy that if you could speak at least two languages, you got a 10% raise. I've always been a natural at languages but I don't speak any of them fluently. Usually just enough to get into trouble. At a previous job I was disciplined for telling a supervisor that only ever addressed me in Spanish to please speak English. In German. She wrote me up for speaking a language that she didn't understand, and was completely oblivious to the irony. But I got a job I liked and saw that pay incentive because we only had so many bilingual employees in a job that frequently requires you to go to job sites where English is not spoken. Well I wanted to learn the language of my ancestors, so I picked up a Welsh class online and while I didn't become fluent, I spoke enough to carry on a rudimentary conversation. Which would be great if anybody here actually spoke Welsh. But I then went to HR to see if I qualified for the pay raise. You had to go talk to someone and management, and they would test your proficiency. I proceeded to tell them in Welsh that I could speak it, and that my family came from Wales in 1745. The manager then told me that the policy meant Spanish. But as the policy didn't specify Spanish and just said bilingual, they honored the policy gave me my raise and then change the policy immediately after that. I haven't ever had to use Welsh at work, but they have had me translate for new hires who couldn't understand some of our clients who speak with very accented Cajun and Scottish accents. Hwyl ya'll

Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up... Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out

Boss took credit for my work, malicious compliance occurred A few years ago I was hired as a manager to create the contracts department of a tech start-up. My boss was on an opposite coast as me and we barely spoke. About a year in the company hired consultants to overhaul depts except for contracts because it was running so smoothly. I was truly proud of this. The company sent me on a paid trip to the Bahamas as a thank you.  After I got back from vacation I asked for a raise to director level. My boss said I just “wasn’t there.” I asked for a list of what I would need to do to be director. He sent me a list which was everything I was already doing and basically admitted that if I was director he would no longer be able to take credit for my work. Friends told me I needed to either leave or put up and shut up. Instead, I chose to kill with kindness. I wholeheartedly apologized to my manager for “overstepping,” and said that I am going to step back into the manager role. I printed out the manager responsibilities and posted them to my desk. Things went south quicker than I could have imagined. We started missing sales targets. Product said my boss agreed to a term in an agreement that would completely destroy their budget and product roll out. My boss didn't know commission agreements and let sales manipulate contracts so we were paying commission on contracts with termination clauses. I only interjected once to stop a contract amendment from being approved because my boss was unknowingly letting a VP artificially inflate sales numbers. The controller and CFO had to get involved. Eventually the CEO was called in. Stories started circulating about my boss holding stress balls and cursing in meetings. I was more relaxed than ever and during my new found free time at work I studied for and obtained professional certifications. I would also leave work early to get to the gym before it got busy. About a month after I unloaded my added responsibilities my boss gave me a 7% bonus. It was unspoken but I could tell he wanted me to take back on the director responsibilities without the title, but I continued to follow the manager description to a T. 6 months later, after taking 10 days of my unlimited PTO, I was included in layoffs. Took three months off and then got another job at a 35% salary increase. While I am happy to be making more money, I truly loved the company and people I worked with, and it's defeating to watch someone continually take credit for your work.

Is it because I'm blonde? A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!"

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a black guy on the rowing machine. He didn’t like being whipped.

Dated a girl who was obsessed with the gym It didn’t work out

A joke to tell your friends in-person So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though. So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have? *Wait until your friend replies it's three stories* Now, this guy's a real asshole and thinks he can do everything right, and anyone who doesn't do it his way is wrong. So he goes into the first story, and he sees a guy walking on stilts. He says, "That's not how you walk on stilts!" The stilts guy gets down from his stilts, goes over, slaps him in the face and says, "Hey, who's walking on stilts here, you or me?" So the guy goes up to the second story and he sees a guy doing gymnastics. He says, "That's not how you do gymnastics!" So the gymnastics guy gets up, goes over, slaps him in the face and says "Hey! Who's doing gymnastics here, you or me?" So the guy goes up to the third story, where he sees a guy flipping pancakes. He says, "That's not how you flip pancakes!" So the guy takes the frying pan, goes over, slaps him in the face with it and says, "Hey, who's flipping pancakes here, you or me?" So the guy goes up to the fourth story... *Stare meaningfully at your friend until they tell you there are only three stories* Slap them in the face and say "Hey! Who's telling the joke here, you or me?"

Mrs. Evans, Keeper of the Dress Code This all happened about 20 years ago when I was in 7th grade (12-13 years old for those not in the US school systems). I remember this day vividly, as it was one of my most rebellious actions against authority I had done in my school years. My seventh grade science teacher was a curmudgeonly lady that we will call Mrs. Evans. Now, Mrs. Evans had no joys in her job of teaching preteens the foundations of science, but did enjoy sending students to the principal for minor infractions. An easy way of getting sent to the principal was through dress code violations. Throughout the entirety of the school year with her, I’d seen Mrs. Evans send no less than 75% of the class to principal’s office for dress code violation, with most being the girls in class wearing shirts that were “too revealing” because their shoulders were showing, with the others usually being something easily fixed like wearing a hat. I showed up to class in my standard outfit that I had been wearing up to that point in the school year, a t-shirt and jeans. However, being the outdoorsy kid I was, I had a slight tear on the knee of one of the pants legs. Mrs. Evans honed in on this slight tear, and instructed me that I would need to be wearing jeans without a tear in them for her to be able to teach her class without distraction, and to go to the principal if I was unable to do so. Being a smartass 13 year old, I decided to comply by going to my locker, getting my stapler out, and stapling the tear shut on my jeans. Upon return to class, this was not good enough for Mrs. Evans, Keeper of the Dress Code. She repeated her previous instruction, and said that if I returned without the torn jeans being replaced I was to go to the principal. Cue compliance #2: I went straight back to my locker, got a pair of scissors out, and cut off the entire leg of the jeans with the offending tear (much to my mother’s later dismay). Upon my re-return to class, Mrs. Evans was quite unhappy. The rest of the class was now properly distracted from her doing, much to her chagrin. But, Mrs. Evans was the Keeper of the Code for a reason one supposed. She cited a line in the school handbook stating “no frays on any clothing allowed”. This time, I was sent to the principal. I had never gotten in too much trouble in school, was in a lot of advanced placement courses, and played football and track for school, so my record was pretty clean. The principal was confused as to why I was sent, until I told him I’d just come from Mrs. Evans class, which told him enough after he saw one pant leg normal, with the other pant leg completely cut below the knee. He told me to please just wear my gym shorts and have this be the end of it. Cue compliance #3: I returned to class wearing my gym shorts for the day… wearing them over the offending jeans. Mrs. Evans, keeper of the code, decided this warranted a call to the principal from the class phone to report me and get me into further turmoil. However, I think the principal was just done with getting his time wasted that day. After Mrs. Evans got him on the phone and spoke her piece, there was a long silence while he assumably responded to her. She then hung up the phone, her face slightly flushed, and proceeded with the lesson. I never once got called out on any dress code violations by the Keeper of the Code for the remainder of my middle school years.

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' " "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks. "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said" replied the boy. a repost, but I liked it

Blonde schoolgirl Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good, Jenny," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

Got fired from the gym because I couldn’t bench 30lbs Had to put in my too weak notice

A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!" Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back. The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. A beautiful 20-year-old woman enters the room on the other side, wearing a shirt that says "If you catch me, you can fuck me." She smiles, waves, and winks at him. He begins chasing her around the large room, but she is in great shape and he doesn't come close. After ten minutes, he is a panting, sweating mess, and she yells "Better luck next time!" before disappearing out the door. Pissed off, he walks over to a scale and sees that, sure enough, he lost five pounds. He figures the money was worth it, since he lost five pounds. The next day, he's walking by the gym when he notices a new sign: "Lose 10 pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!" Even more curious, he enters the gym and plops down another $100 on the counter. He is led to an even larger, empty room covered in mats. The door on the other side of the room opens, and a large, athletic man walks in. His shirt reads "If I catch you, *I* fuck *you*!"

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym... I guess we just weren't working out.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today!!! That’s seven years in a row now!!

A gymnast walks into a bar... She is then deducted five points.

The blonde girl at school. Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good, Jenny," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."

A guy's phone rings in the gym A guy is pushing through his usual workout routine in the gym when the phone goes off. "Hello?" >"Hi honey! I just saw that dress I wanted -- it's on sale for only $2,000! We can save almost 900 dollars! Can we get it, pleeeease?" "Sure honey, anything you want." >"Oh my god, really? Thank you!!!! And the man at the Lexus dealership called and says he can give it to us for $90,000. What should I tell him?" "Sure honey, sounds good. Make sure everything is included." >"Wow you mean it?! You're the best! Oh, and one more thing! They called about the house again, they are asking for $400,000." "Tell them $380,000 and see what they say." >"Wow!! Okay!! Thank you sooooo much, I love you honey! I'll see you when I get home -- in our brand new Lexus~!" "Sounds great. I love you too, honey. Talk to you later. Bye bye." The man hangs up, finishes his set, and after a moment he stands up and says, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

I regret joining the gym recently.. leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

A girl came skipping home from school one day... "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10! See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good." said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school, "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good." said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde". The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's. "Very good." said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "No, honey. It's because you're 25."

A boy comes home from school A boy comes home from school: Kid: Dad, math teacher wants to see you. Dad: Why, what happened? Kid: Today at class he asked me "What is 9x7?", I said 63. Then he asked me "What is 7x9?", I said "What the fuck is the difference?". Dad thinks fair enough, says he will drop by. Next day, boy comes home, asks his dad: Kid: Dad did you come to school? Dad: Not yet. Kid: Well, now my gym teacher wants to see you too. Dad: Why, what happenned? Kid: Today at gym class, he asked me to raise my right hand, i did. Then he asked me to raise my left hand, i did. Then he asked me to raise my right leg, i did. Then he asked me to raise my left leg, i asked, "Am i supposed to stand on my dick?". Dad thinks fair enough, says he will drop by. Next day, boy comes home, asks his dad: Kid: Dad did you come to school? Dad: Not yet. Kid: Well don't, i got expelled. Dad: Why, what happened? Kid: Today, they summoned me to principal's office. Math, gym and history teachers were waiting for me there. Dad: What the fuck was the history teacher doing there? Kid: I asked the same thing. Edit: Grammar. English is hard.

Take that back Olympics Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back.... 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew." 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?...:)

Why did the priest go to the gym? For muscle mass. I thought of this one in the shower this morning.

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar.

Parent Teacher conference A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.

I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"

A man and his wife go to a class reunion..... A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium. They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch. He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies, "Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't worth it

Bench Bros... Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"

Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today Guess I should've prepared whey in advance

I exercise religiously I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

Marriage Husband asking the wife: -Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym? *-Are you saying I'm fat??* -No, I was just thinking that we should maybe... *-Are you saying I'm lazy??* -No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that.. *-Why, you think I'm hysterical??* -No, I wasn't saying that.. *-So you are calling me a liar now??* -God no! You know what, I go alone then. *-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

An old man goes to the gym... An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?" The trainer responds, "The ATM"

One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students, "Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd. She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are there in the ocean?" Naturally, none of the kids have the answer to such an abstract question. The teacher smugly tells them, "I guess we're all staying, then!" The next day, the teacher makes the same offer. "Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." She slams her hand on her desk for emphasis and asks, "How many grains of sand are there in the desert?" Naturally, nobody can answer, and the teacher smugly tells them that everybody will be staying. The class nerd decides he's had enough. At the end of the day, he gets a fistful of ping-pong balls from the gym, paints them black, and wedges them under the edge of the teacher's desk so no one will be able to see them. The next day, the teacher makes her announcement as usual. "Whoever can answer this next question can go home for the day!" And as she slams her hand on the desk, the ping-pong balls are shaken loose and bounce all over the room to the delight of the entire class. Infuriated, the teacher demands, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?!" "Eddie Murphy," says the nerd. "See ya Monday, bitch."

I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.

There's a new machine at my gym. I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick... It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym. "So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

Engineer in Hell There was a engineer who went to heaven, but when he got to the gates, St. Peter told him that he wasn't on the list and sent him to Hell. Thinking he'd spend his whole eternal life in Hell, the engineer decided to try and make it a better place. Seeing as Hell was really hot, the engineer builds an A.C. system to keep Hell's citizens cool. Then seeing that Hell was filled with lakes of fire and it was hard to get around, the engineer ended up building roads and highways. Finally, seeing as Hell was boring, the engineer created amusement parks, movie theatres, and sports gyms. One day the devil was having a chat with God. "Satan, looks like you've lightened up!" "Yeah, recently we had an engineer come down here and build us all kinds of good stuff" God is stunned. "What's an engineer doing down there? You better send him back up or I'll sue you!" Satan laughs. "And where do you think all the lawyers are?"

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account. They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

blondes A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl said. “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No Honey, it’s because you’re 24.”

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

I forgot to take a banana with me to the gym. It was a fruitless exercise.

I do resistance training every day It's called refusing to go to the gym

Two guys meet at the gym to play handball They start changing, and one guy notices his friend is wearing a sexy black bra. He says, "When the hell did you start wearing that?" The other guy says, "Right after my wife found it in my car."

Best Way To Impress a Girl.. Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage. He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.

Google+ is like the gym of social networking. We all join it, but nobody uses it.

New machine at the gym There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all. Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

Gym bro #1: "Bro, we're out of protein powder." Gym bro #2: "No whey..."

A blonde comes home from school and says "Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can only count to 10 but I can count to 20. Is it because I'm blonde?" Her mother replies: "Yes dear, it's because you're blonde." The next day the blonde comes home from school and says: "Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can't recite the alphabet, but I can. Is it because I'm blonde?" "Yes dear, it's because you're blonde" The next day she comes home and says: "Mummy, mummy, today we were getting changed for gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I had these." She points to her breasts. "Is it because I'm blonde? "No dear, it's because you're 25."

Opening a gym... Gonna focus on power walking & door knocking. I'll call it "Jehovah's Fitness"

What's the best machine to impress women at the gym? The ATM

The Kindergartener A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”

Guy walks into a gym He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women. The manager points to the ATM. Edit:formatting

What exercise does Ned Flanders do at the gym? Diddly squat

I went to a posh school. In fact it was so posh, their gym was called James.

Why do you need patience at the gym? Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

There was a new machine at the gym... After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

Streaker in a Gym!!! Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates. "Thank goodness!!! He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down as he's passing. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"

A gymnast walks into a bar. She is promptly deducted five points

Barbie Dolls Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." Heard this joke from a friend today! Edit: Formatting

Two ladies are in the gym locker room .... changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

Google+ is the gym of social networking. We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

I want to open a gym for people with fetishes. It's a great idea in theory, but I'm still trying to work out the kinks.

English puns. She fell in love with a Banker but he showed no lnterest. She fell in love with an Astronaut but he wanted Space. She fell in love with a Gym trainer, but it didn't Work out. She fell in love with a Librarian, but his time was always Booked. She fell in love with an Electrician but for him there was no Spark. She fell in love with a Cardiologist but he broke her Heart. She fell in love with a Geologist, but the relationship was too Rocky. She fell in love with an Economist but he couldn’t supply her Demands She fell in love with a Violinist but he said, "No Strings attached." She fell in love with the Linguist but he left her Speechless She fell in love with a Seismologist, but he was always finding Fault. She fell in love with a Cook, but he left her on the back Burner She fell in love with a Mathematician but she couldn't Count on him. She fell in love with a Scuba diver--on the surface everything seemed to be fine, but Deep down she knew something Fishy was going on ... She fell in love with a Fisherman, but he wasn't a good Catch. She fell in love with a Mason but they never built a strong Foundation. She fell in love with a Teacher, but he had no Class! She fell in love with a Tennis player but Love meant nothing to him. She fell in love with the Magician but he kept turning Tricks. She fell in love with a Lawyer but he never took her to the Bar She fell in love with a Recovery agent and he Seized her At last she fell in love with an ED officer and got Attached 🤣

What do gyms and prisons have in common? They're both full of ripped assholes.

BIG Trouble! joke. A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude… God is missing–and they think WE did it!”

I have a job as a gym instructor But it isn't working out.

My first workout back at the gym was great. I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout. As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt. "Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man. The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Saw a new machine at the gym, but could only use it for 20mins before it made me sick It was great... it had M&M's, Skittles, you name it!

Yo momma is so unfamiliar with the gym... ...she calls it James

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

An obese man is trying to lose weight His friend tells him about this gym where he can lose all his unwanted fat within a few days. The man goes to that gym, the coach welcomes him "Hello, welcome to the best gym ever. Today you will work in the first floor, where you will lose 20 pounds in 2 hours." The man enters the first floor, he finds an attractive woman. "Catch me and i will let you do what you want with me!" she says. and he starts chasing her. The man lost 20 pounds after a 2 hour chase. He comes back the next day, the coach welcomes him "Welcome back, today you will work in the second floor, where you will lose 40 pounds in four hours." The man enters the second floor, he finds a very extremely attractive woman. "Catch me and i will let you do what you want with me!" she says. The man chases her for four hours and loses 40 pounds. He goes to the gym the next day, the coach welcomes him "Welcome again. Today is your last day here, you will work in the third floor, where you will lose the rest of your unwanted fat." The man enters the third floor, he finds a tall black man. "If i catch you bitch, i'm going to fuck you in the ass!"

What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together? Air conditioning

A man is thinking about joining a gym. He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities". The rep continues "Here are the treadmills which are all in use and there is the treadmill line". "Ok, ok" the man rushes "Can we get to the boxing stuff please?" The rep moves along, "Here is the bench press area which is quite popular and you can see the line to use it. Over here is the basketball courts which are always packed and over there is the basketball line". Continuing, the rep describes "the steamy hot tub and pool which are in high demand and over there is the swimming line". "OK OK!!" the man exclaims "I just want to punch the bags! Where is the line for that?" "Oh, but that's no fun", the rep answers. "Why not?" the man asks. "There isn't any punch line."

I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction )) A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' " "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks. "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said" replied the boy.

I hit the gym today... But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.

Got more like these ? 1. Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain shit scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt. Got more like these ? Calling all redditors. Edit 1: Jimmy Choo and Tony Stark Edit 2: Alan Rickman Edit 3 : Usain Bolt

How often did the asian cow go to the gym? Dairy

Once my gym teacher told me "you are what you eat." I Immediately replied "you callin' me a pussy?"

What's my favorite machine at the gym? The snack machine.

I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results.. What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?

A pretty girl walks into a mathematician's and engineer's lab... ... and says she will bang whichever of them shows the most athletic or intelligent talent. Since they are equally smart, they decide to go 3/5 on a few different exercises at the gym. The first exercise is chin-ups, which the engineer wins. The second is long jump, which the mathematician wins. The third is squats, which the engineer fails in a matter of seconds. It is clear to the engineer when the reach the fourth event, short dash, that he has no hope of winning. Eagerly, the mathematician says "Where to?" The engineer knows he can't run very far, so he says "just to the door." The door is on the farthest end of the gym. The engineer knows he's beat, but does the challenge anyways. The girl shouts 'GO!' and they run as fast as they can. The engineer gets a bit of a lead, but falls behind the mathematician eventually. finally, the mathematician runs out the door and yells "YES! I WIN!" Then he looks around to the engineer, who locks the door.

I decided to cancel my gym membership today... ...just didn't work out.

When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes... ...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.

My first gym partner didn't work out.

A peephole was found drilled into the wall of a women's locker room in a gym in Manhattan. ...........The police are looking into it.

I've been going to the gym for five years now and I still don't have abs. It sucks being the cleaner.

Military Humor I had to translate. You can help me fix it. Lieutenant Colonel to Major: “There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won’t be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.” Major to Captain: “Per Colonel’s order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day. Captain to Lieutenant: “Per Colonel’s order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day. “ Lieutenant to Sergeant: “Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.” Sergeant to Corporal: "Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.“ Two privates talking to each other: “Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day. “

Gym Joke A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls. The instructor replied,"the atm"

A blonde wants to strengthen her biceps. So, she drives to the grocery store and buys some heavy cream. Then she drives to the gym and does bicep curls.

Do cannibals try to eat gymnasts... for a more balanced diet?

How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”

It's easier if you have no spine Congress is keeping its members-only gym open during the government shutdown, which is mind-blowing, since I didn't know you could do squat thrusts with your head up your ass.