100+ Ghost Jokes

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . . and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie." She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that." The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people." She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that." On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

What did the ghost say to the beehive? Boobees

Florida HOA nightmare. oh certified mail for all communication? you got it Posting this now because i no longer live in the house or neighborhood, but at the time i lived in a "lovely" cookie cutter neighborhood with an HOA. this was one of those neighborhoods where they finished like a 100 homes in the span of a few weeks and it was common to see 8 or 10 moving trucks on any given weekend. the neighborhood when from ghost town to filled in literally a month. In Florida, most HOAs are required to use certified mail when notifying home owners of violations. My HOA took this a step further that all notifications to the board would be through certified mail; received a violation? response in certified mail. requesting a hearing? certified mail. want the bylaws? certified mail. now this last one might strike you as odd, because how would you know to request the bylaws by certified mail, if you didn't have the bylaws already you might ask. let's put a pin in that one for now because upon moving in they were kind enough to provide the CC&Rs outlining what we could and could not do, but not the bylaws that told us how to handle violations and complaints. so i move in and everything is great...at first. that is until about the third month when there's a big packet taped to my door: a notice of intent to lien. the packet explains that i was delinquent on a number of violations, many of them repetitive. on the list are things like: -not keeping the garbage cans out of sight (we kept them on the side of the house like most neighbors) - standing water in between the sides of the homes (grading issue i was fighting with the developer over) - parking one of the vehicles in the driveway but over the sidewalk line - bushes not trimmed appropriately - unapproved modifications to the doorway (installing a Ring Doorbell camera) the list went on, but totaled $4,032.12 for violations, late fees, and legal fees. i immediately email requesting more information, and don't get a response. i do this for a few days before threatening legal action in a admittedly hostile emails; to which i finally get a response indicating that "all communications regarding violations will only be addressed via communication methods approved in the bylaws." i request a copy of the bylaws. "all requests for the bylaws must be submitted via approved communications methods, as per the bylaws." at this point im about to go postal, but if Edmond Dantes could wait 14 years for revenge, i could take a breath and figure this out. the notice gave me 45 days and it had only been a couple days - i had time to figure this out. little known fact about developers and HOAs in Florida: the developer is the one that drafts the initial CC&R, bylaws, and legal documents then hands it off to the board. my developer, who's name starts with "D" and ends with a word that sounds like shmorton was already on my shit list for a number of issues, including the improper grading. when i emailed my contacts requesting a copy of the bylaws, i don't think they wanted to add to the growing list of shit i was vehemently emailing them about already and i had a copy within minutes. that's when i found the certified mail language. now the wheels were turning, because it stated ALL communication was to be by certified mail. each violation was to be filed separately, and delivered by certified mail, each notice of failure to cure and the late fee...certified mail. EVERYTHING. i had 8 unique violations, plus repeat violations over a period of 9 weeks. at a minimum, i should have received like 22 notices via certified mail...at around $7 a pop. cue malicious compliance. my revenge...i mean malicious compliance was two pronged. my morality has developed to a fashion that if you want to wrongfully take from me, i am willing to spend just as much as you want, to fight you. they wanted $4k from me...i was willing to spend a good amount of that just to fuck with them. i took off two days from work and prepared a little game of FAFO. so step 1 was to draft a single page, no personal details, but explaining my situation and warning any neighbors going through something similar what the bylaws indicated and that all homeowners should immediately request a copy of the bylaws via certified mail. i provided the board address, the language to include (which stipulated that the response from the board, even if it was a copy of the bylaws) was to be by certified mail. meaning a printed copy of the bylaws, which was 29 pages. i also encouraged anyone fighting infractions or having received a notice of intent to lien what to do. i printed about 150 copies because that's how many houses were in the neighborhood. roped in a few close neighbors and we stuck a notice on about every door. step 2 was to fight each violation...individually. i drafted a template language indicating that i was refuting each violation. some more boiler plate language on why is was refuting it, and the coup

It's the first day of the parapsychology class. The professor asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?" All of the hands go up. "And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?" About 90% of the hands go up. "And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?" About 20% of the hands go up. "And how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?" One hand in the back goes up. "Really!" says the professor. "I've been teaching this class for 15 years, and nobody has ever raised their hand to that question. Sir, could you please stand up and tell the class what it was like to have sex with a ghost?" The man stands up and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I thought you said 'a goat.'"

What do ghosts use to wash their hair? Sham-Boo

I've come to realize that ghosts make terrible caretakers. With my husband nowhere around, I struggle to guide my 2-year-old baby away from the stove, but my hands keep going through him.

"I still don't understand how he's still alive " the doctor whispered, looking at my husband's broken body. I slip my ghostly fingers around his heart and keep it beating, because after what he did to me, he has to keep on living for the both of us.

Ghosting and loving it... Recently, my company introduced a new process for supplying customers with expensive consumables. Previously, this process involved a lot of direct communication — numerous emails and face-to-face meetings with customers to understand their needs. However, while I was on PTO, everything changed. Without any notice or consultation, a completely new system was implemented. My team, which used to handle about 65% of the previous process, had no involvement whatsoever in designing or approving this new method. Now, instead of collaborating directly with customers and colleagues, I’ve been given a standardised form divided into four sections — one for me, one for Sales, one for Logistics, and one for Territory Assistants and Managers. My section of the form is minimal: all I do is indicate how many boxes to supply. Critical details such as who the customer is, where the order is going, pricing adjustments, and preferential rates — information I used to manage — are no longer included. To make things worse, customer details on the forms are often incorrect. I used to fix those errors in the system, but I no longer have permission to do so; that’s now handled by head office. Even though I know my customer base well and try to provide accurate updates, my emails now bounce back. When I raised these issues, I was simply told to “follow the form” and not deviate. So I did. I completed my section, sent it to the designated address, and moved on. Nothing happened — until months later, when a customer called to say they were running critically low on consumables. I escalated the issue to my manager, but by that point, I had already submitted 24 forms without any feedback or visible results. Recently, while I’ve been off recovering from surgery, I received an email asking for the same data I used to provide under the old system. I’ve chosen not to respond — that information is scattered across old emails and records, and it’s no longer my responsibility. Ironically, the new process that was supposed to reduce costs and simplify operations has left three department heads confused and unable to proceed. They don’t know the customer names, product details (we have 197 different products), or order history — only the number of boxes. The system they rely on can’t function without accurate data input, and since I’m now strictly following the form as instructed, that data isn’t being entered any more. In short, the new process has stripped away the practical knowledge and collaboration that once made the system work. It’s inefficient, confusing, and ultimately counterproductive.

At the campfire last night I said, “How about I tell a spooky story?” My wife goes, “Please, honey, don’t. Every time you do it’s just about a ghost who has sex with an owl. It upsets the whole family!” I said, “Well boo fuckin’ hoo!”

What religion do ghosts practice? Boo-ddhism

Five old ladies in a car . . . Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

What size breasts do ghosts have? Entities

22 mph speed limit Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 136."

No problems, just look in your textbook! About 15 years ago, I was almost 20 and in my country's equivalent of a trade school for electricians. One of our teachers, electronic circuits class, had a kinda annoying catchphrase for every question students had: "no problems, just look in your textbook". He had already mentally checked out since he got a way better job lined up for next semester, so he pretty much only read stuff from the textbook and then switched to the textbook's practical exercises, where we had a [breadboard](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breadboard) and, working in pairs, inserted resistors, capacitors and other components in it. All in all, not the worst teacher we had, but this one incident made his class *very* memorable. On the third class we had with that teacher (first one was introduction, second one was how to read resistor color codes, he said his catchphrase no less than 5 times per class), my friend showed me a glaring mistake in the textbook's practical exercise. It was something very simple: placing three resistors in series, measuring the current produced with a 24V DC power supply and comparing to the value we had calculated. The first two exercises were OK, but in the third one, the values for all resistors were way too low. Like, three orders of magnitude low. Somebody meant to write 10KΩ (10.000Ω) but typed 10Ω instead. For every single resistor in that exercise. For people who are not very familiar with electronics: - Ohm's Law dictate that, for a constant voltage supply, current gets higher as resistances get lower (Voltage = Resistance x Current, or V = RxI, which can also be written as I = V/R). - Joule's Law dictate that more Power, which in a resistor's case would be dissipated as heat, is supplied the higher is the current (Power = Resistance x Current², or P = RxI²). - Resistors have a power rating measured in Watts and when the rating is exceeded, they start to produce smoke and/or fire. The power rating for the resistors we were using was 0.25W. - When resistors are placed in series, their total value is added. In this example, three 10Ω resistors would have a total resistance of 30Ω. If we use the previous formulas, we get a value of 0.8A for current and 19.2W for power... or almost 77 times the power rating of the resistors. If the 10KΩ resistors were used, we'd have 0.8mA for current and 19.2mW for power, well within the power rating of the resistors. My friend, I and a few other students tried to ask the teacher if those values were correct, and his answer, to no one's surprise, was "no problems, just look in your textbook". I tried to argue that the textbook was plain wrong and he shut me down saying how way smarter people than him and I wrote the textbook, so we should just follow it. So everyone (some more reluctantly than others) placed the resistors in the breadboard, connected the power supply and waited for his instruction to turn it on, as has been for the first two exercises without incident. Then he said to turn on the power supply. Without even looking in the textbook. At first everything seemed fine and some people started to get their multimeters. A few seconds later, a girl screamed "fire", but it was really only smoke. A few seconds later and now we had small fires all over the lab and people freaking out! Nothing spectacular and they died down a few seconds later, but enough to make most of the 30 people scream and panic while the smell of burnt plastic from 15 breadboards and burnt ceramic from 45 resistors made the air pretty much unbreathable. To his credit, the teacher engaged the lab's circuit breaker pretty fast and evacuated the room so no one breathed potentially toxic fumes. Since I was expecting it, I was more annoyed than scared (unlike some of the more sensitive people who were crying) and told the teacher, who was looking at the empty lab as if he was seeing ghosts, "there seems to be a problem, should you look in the textbook now?". He gave a nervous laughter and said "maybe you're smarter than the people who wrote it". The screaming attracted a more experienced teacher who, after making sure everyone was OK, just couldn't stop laughing at our teacher. He did keep using his catchphrase, "no problems, just look in your textbook", until the end of the semester, but he was now also looking in the textbook himself and spotted a few glaring mistakes made by those "intelligent people". For some reason, he didn't seem to like the nickname we gave him when he heard someone saying in the hallway, "next is Textbook Idiot's class".

Hillary Clinton is elected President. On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest" *Hillary laughs in his face* On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself." *Hillary laughs in his face* On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Lincoln replies "Go to the theater."

Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS

Two men were walking home after a party Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" To which the old man replied: "Those fools! They misspelled my name!"

The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for... When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"

A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Billy raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Billy replied, "Shit! From way back there I thought you said, "Goats!"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'. 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.' 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The horny man and the nun. A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. captivated by her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray for a man she once loved. If you dress up as the ghost of him, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and transforms himself into looking like the ghost of the the man she loved. At eight, he sees the nun mourning and appears before her. "Hello my love, I came back to see you once more and then forever i'm gone, so we should have sex before it's too late. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex because she does't want to lose her virginity. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off... "Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....." Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!" A ghostly silence reigned. He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!" One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"

What's a ghost's favorite type of porn? Boookakke!

It's a good thing that the Ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Whats a ghost's favorite kind of porn? Booookaki

The Nervous Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J. C. and the boys 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

A woman is diagnosed with stage IV throat cancer. ^Ignore ^that ^the ^title ^says ^stage ^IV, ^it's ^stage ^III A man sits by his wife’s bed in the oncology ward. She has Stage III throat cancer, and the prognosis is dark. She’s scheduled for a radical, life-saving surgery the next morning, but the doctors have been blunt: they have to remove a significant portion of her throat and vocal cords. She will never speak, swallow, or use her throat the same way again. She looks at her husband, her voice a raspy silver. "I want to do something for you," she whispers. "One last time, while I still can. I want to give you oral sex." The husband is taken aback. "Honey, no. You’re weak, you’re in pain... we don't have to do that." But she insists. She tells him it’s the only way she can feel like a "whole woman" before the surgery changes her forever. She begs him until he finally, reluctantly, agrees. It is a quiet, bittersweet, and incredibly emotional moment in the dim hospital light. The next morning, she is wheeled into surgery. The husband sits in the waiting room, bracing for a ten-hour ordeal. But after barely an hour, the lead surgeon walks out into the waiting area. The man's heart sinks into his stomach. He stands up, trembling, his voice breaking. "Is she... is she gone? Did I lose her?" "No, no," the surgeon says, looking like he’s seen a ghost. "We didn't even pick up the scalpel. We did a final localized scan to map the margins, and the tumors... they're just gone. There isn't a single malignant cell left in her throat." The surgeon asks if the husband had any possible explanation, anything at all to do with the woman's throat. Though it's embarrassing, the man tells the surgeon about what his wife did for him the night before the surgery. It's the only thing he can think of. A week of tests follows. The hospital’s research team eventually brings the couple into a private office. "Sir, we’ve discovered something miraculous. Your body produces a rare, localized enzyme. When it makes contact with cancerous tissue, it triggers immediate, total cellular necrosis. You are a walking, biological cure." The doctor sighs, looking at his notes. "We're going to try to synthesize it, but the molecular structure is volatile and it seems to be more complex than we understand, because your sperm isn't nearly as effective in lab conditions. It’s going to take us months, maybe years, to replicate this effect without the... direct involvement of your penis. But your wife is fully cured and this could save millions more in the future." The wife is besides herself with joy, clutching the husband's hand. But the husband is staring at the floor, his face turning a sickly shade of grey. "Honey?" she asks, her voice now perfectly clear. "What is it? This is a miracle!". The husband looks up, his eyes filled with a thousand-yard stare. "My father called this morning... he was just diagnosed with Stage III rectal cancer."

Sex with a Ghost A visiting professor at Harvard University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One Arab student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said ’goats’!"

I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places. It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

Why did the ghost cross the road? To come back from the other side.

“I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghosts," the priest announces. I panic when he keeps our baby submerged underwater and starts chanting in another language.

Why did the ghost go to jail? He got arrested for possession.

Do you want to hear a ghost joke? That's the spirit

Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off....... "Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....." Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers: "Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning" A ghostly Silence reigned! He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers: "I sincerely apologise for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...you should see my pants." One passenger replies - "Why don't you come here and see Our PANTS"!

Spooky story A man was driving down a deserted road at night when suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine died. He managed to pull over to the side of the road, grabbed his flashlight and popped the hood to see if there was anything he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately he couldn’t figure out what was wrong and began to get anxious. Suddenly he heard a deep voice from the other side of the road, saying: *It's your spark plug wire.* The startled man shouted, “Who said that?” and pointed the flashlight in the direction from which the voice came. There was an enormous black horse standing on the opposite side of the road and it repeated, “It’s your spark plug wire, it's disconnected.” Shaking, the man found the disconnected cable, connected it, jumped in the car and sped away. When he reached the next town he ran into the local bar and asked for a double shot of whiskey. He drank it in a single gulp, still trembling. A rancher sitting next to him asked, “What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost.” "You're not gonna believe it,” the man replied. “A talking black horse just fixed my car.” The rancher now looked just as surprised as the man and said, "I do believe you, my friend. As a matter of fact, you got very lucky.” Now frightened all over again, the man asked, “Why?” The rancher took another sip of his beer and replied, “Because that horse is an accountant! He don't know nothin' bout cars!”

A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed. Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window. The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out. Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing. "Damn,you'll never believe me," he replies. "But I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!

A nun gets onto a bus... the only other people besides her in the bus were the bus driver and a hippy sitting in the back. The nun sat down a few rows in front of the hippy. When the bus was nearing her stop, she heard the hippy yell from the back: "Please have sex with me!" She looked back at the hippy, disgusted, and declined. She got off at her stop. After the bus door closed, the bus driver said, "I know a way that you can have sex with the nun. She goes to the cemetery every night at 9. Go there tonight, dressed as a ghost, and convince her to have sex with you or threaten to haunt her eternally." The hippy appreciated the bus driver's advice and headed to the cemetery that night, dressed as a ghost. He spotted the nun and yelled, "Hey! Have sex with me or I will haunt you forever!" The nun complied with the hippy's request, on one condition: "I'm a nun, I must hold onto my virginity. I will have sex with you, but it must be anal." So, the ghost and the nun proceeded to have anal sex. After they were done, the ghost revealed himself. "Joke's on you!" He said. "I'm the hippy!" The nun turned around, smiling. "Jokes on you. I'm the bus driver."

Speeding Old Ladies Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks. “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Stalin appears in Putin's dream... Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve? The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.

Why do ghosts speak Latin? Because it’s a dead language.

What do ghosts do when they're sad? They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.

My 8 year old son wrote this... What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes? A poultry-geist.

Intimate With A Ghost A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?" About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?" One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it... I thought you said 'goats.'

A new priest is nervous about mass. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10 commandments, not 12. 2.There are 12 disciples, not 10. 3.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 4.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 5.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 6.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 7.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 8.When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 9.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 10.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 11.The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 12.The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub- A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 13.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's 14. Sip the Vodka, don't drink it.

What did the ghost say when he realized he'd been cheated? “I've been bam-BOO-zled!!!”

A Hippie walks into a bus... At the back he sees a nun and he asks her "Hey, you wanna fuck?" The nun responds saying "Heavens no!" And then she walks out of the bus. The hippie was about to go after her when the bus driver says "I see you're trying to fuck that nun, well this is what you're supposed to do. First, you see that cemetery over there? The nun goes and prays there every night at 8:00 PM. Go there and dress as a ghost, since she believes in spirits she will have to do your ever command." The hippie thanks the driver and leaves. 8 o'clock comes around and the nun is at a gravestone, behind it the hippie. She gets on her knees and closes her eyes. Then starts praying. The hippie pops out saying "Boooooooo, Im a ghost of the spirit world! I command you to have sex with me to please me! Booooooo!" The nun agrees but beforehand says "I want to stay virgin so we will have to do anal" After everything is said and done the hippie takes of the cloth he had on his head to look like a ghost and says to the nun "HAHA! Im the hippie!" The nun says "HAHA! Im the bus driver."

Strange music In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens. A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-sounding music wafting up from Beethoven's fresh burial plot. Terrified, the man runs through the streets, screaming about ghosts in the graveyard. Pretty soon he's gathered quite a crowd around the grave, all muttering to each other about devils and ghosts. Finally one man makes his way to the front of the crowd, squats down by the grave, and listens. "Why... that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympony, but... it's playing backwards!" He listens some more. "There's his Eighth Symphony, also backwards! ... And the seventh.... sixth..." Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd. "My good people, you have nothing to fear. This is simply Mr. Beethoven decomposing."

Dad, are ghosts real? Dad: No son, of course not Son: The nanny said they are Dad: Okay, pack your stuff... We don't have a nanny

How do Ghosts get Drunk? Booze.

Why did the ghost go into the elevator? To lift his spirits.

What’s a horny ghost’s favorite beverage? Boo Tea!

Did you hear about the ghost who got put in prison? He was charged with possession.

A ghost walks into a bar "Sorry sir" the barmen says, "We don't serve spirits after eleven"

A grave encounter After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.

Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween? Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home... In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the excitement of the lift subsided - he realized that the car had no driver. The car started moving again. The man braced himself as the car moved towards a couple of bends. As the car hit the bends a mysterious hand would pop through the window and turn the car. The man was completely freaked out by this. Ghost car! When he could take no more of this he jumped out of the car and ran for dear life. He came up to a tavern and had to go in for a drink. Inside there were fellow drinkers enjoying their drinks and he just had to let them know what had happened to him. At first the other fellows laughed but then the man started crying...and they thought it has to be true. At that moment two guys stormed into the tavern...shouting, " we ran out of gas and while we were pushing our car some mad man jumped in... Did he happen to come in here?"

The Man and the Nun A man gets onto a bus. On this bus, the man meets a nun. The man, being a straight-forward guy, asks the nun if she wants to have sex. The nun replies "Heaven's, no!" and gets off the bus. When the man gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him. "You know, that nun visits a grave every night at midnight. If you really want to have sex with her, all you have to do is dress up like the ghost of that grave and demand sex. She can't possibly turn you down." The man says thanks and exits the bus. Later that night, the man arrives at the grave dressed as a ghost. He approaches the nun and demands sex. The nun responds "Well, alright. I have an oath of virginity, however, so it'll have to be anal sex." The man says fine and the two have sex. Afterwards, the man takes off his costume. "Jokes on you, I was the man all along!" The nun pulls off her costume. "Jokes on you, I was the bus driver."

Speeding Drivers Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe? IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast. - that's some faulty humour - Source: http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

What was Snoop Dogg's ghost arrested for? Possesion.

Why can't ghosts make babies? They have hollow weenies! .... And I'll just see myself out.

What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.

At a conference for the arcane and supernatural... The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!

What did the ghost say to the bees? Boo Bees

Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the... *other side.*

The hippy and the nun A hippy gets on the bus. When he sees a nun he likes, he walks up to her and says "Wanna have sex with me?" The nun replies "Heavens no!" and runs off the bus. When the hippy gets off the bus at the next stop, the bus driver says "See that grave over there? That nun goes over there every night at 8:30. If you dress up as a ghost, then she will have no option, other than to have sex with you". The hippy nods and gets off the bus. At 8:30, the hippy goes to to the graveyard, dressed as a ghost, and hides behind the grave. The nun then comes, and starts praying. Then, th hippy stands up and says "I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replies "Oh.. Ok then.. But I have an oath of virginity, so it will have to be from err.. Behind." They then go back to the hippies apartment. Afterwards, the hippy runs away going "Haha I am the hippy!", and the nun runs away going "Haha I am the bus driver!"

Son accidentally sees Dad put a condom on Dad tells him he was just dressing his penis as a ghost for Halloween. When mom gets home, she asks the son if he wants to be Casper for Halloween. He says, "No way, my sister is going as a ghost eater." ----- Happy Halloween Everyone!

What do you call a ghost detective? An Inspectre

I told my priest that I was being haunted by an overweight ghost and he said I needed to exorcise more.

Why does everyone love when a ghost goes to a party? Because he always brings the boos

So it's Sunday in Ireland... The priest says that the day's theme for mass is the afterlife. Wanting to gauge the opinions of the congregation, he asks everyone who believes in ghosts to raise their hands. About half the congregation raises their hands. Next, he asks those with their hands raised if they've ever spoken with a ghost. About half of those lower their hands in response. The priest says he has one last question: "Of those who have their hands raised still, who among you has ever had a relationship with a ghost?" Everyone lowers their hand except for one young man in the far back, alone in his pew. The priest scans the crowd and sees him. The priest is shocked and says, "Mr. O'Brien, would you mind coming up to the altar to give us your testimony of this relationship?" O'Brien says, "Sure, Father, right away." So O'Brien walks up to the altar, all eyes on him. The priest asks him again to tell the story of his relationship with a ghost. Upon hearing this, O'Brien asks, "Ghost?", which the priest reaffirms. O'Brien looks confused, then relieved and says, "Oh! Begging your pardon, Father, I thought you said goats!"

How does a ghost eat a hotdog? By goblin it. Sorry

Police and Old Women Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles per hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." **(I dont make this joke. One of my best friend made this)**

What do you call a ghost that lives in your butt? An ass-soul

Dirty Sheets A guy is in the hospital when he gets a phone call from his girlfriend telling him that she's just gotten off work and will be there to see him in about a half hour. He's excited as can be and in his excitement, the hospital meatloaf he had for lunch rears its head in his belly. He does his best to stop it, but there's no turning off this machine once it starts. He shits the bed. Not wanting his girlfriend to find him covered in filth, he drags himself up, pulls all the sheets off the bed and tosses them out the window. 5 stories below, two homeless men are sitting outside of the hospital when, completely out of nowhere, the sheet lands on one of them. He struggles and curses and kicks and swings and finally gets the dirty sheets off of him. His friend, looking highly amused, asks him "What the hell was that?" He replies "I don't know, but I think I just beat the shit out of some ghost."

What do kinky ghosts enjoy? Boo-kake

Why did the ghosts haunt the bar? For the boos.

Jimmy's big night Probably been told on here before but heres the version i heard. So Jimmy and his GF start talking and decide tonights the big night. Tonight he loses his virginity! So Jimmy heads to the local pharmacy to get his first condom. To look cool and get it over with asap he walks in and asks for the magnum XL's. The pharmacist gives him a funny look seeing as jimmy was clearly a crack baby and not a very big guy. So after a few minutes of help the pharmacist finds him something that will actually work and sends him on his way. That night jimmy shows up to his GF's house for dinner. Dinner is put on the table and immediately Jimmy asks is he can say grace. After an uncomfortably long prayer worshiping the father, the son, the holy ghost and every other religious figure he can think of he sits down and starts to eat quietly. His GF whispers to him "I didn't know you were so religious!" Jimmy replies "i didn't know your dad was a pharmacist..." Note: After attempting to write this out via mobile as poop.... Im realizing im not super sweet at telling jokes! Lol

What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.

three college students are trying to join a fraternity... They are told they have to spend the night in a derelict house thought by students to be haunted. When the three students enter, it is cold, there are few soft places to sleep, and no working water or plumbing. The first student walks up the stairs and discovers the only bedroom in the house. He quickly claims it as his sleeping spot. The second student walks upstairs and discovers a bathroom with no windows that is warmer than the other rooms. He quickly claims that as his room for the night. The third student is far more afraid than the other two, and decides to sleep on the carpet at the bottom of the stairs, since it is soft and close to the front door. The three students eventually fall asleep. In the middle of the night, the student in the bedroom wakes up to horrible stomach pains. He has to use the bathroom but remembers there is no way to flush, and student number two is sleeping in there. In a panic, he decides to use his pillow case as an alternative. He hurls the case out of his room and down the stairs, and quickly falls back asleep. In the morning, both students upstairs wake up to find student number 3 who had been sleeping downstairs did not make it through the night. They went to his dorm to find him visibly shaken. They ask what happened to which he replied "I'm not sure, but I think I beat the shit out of a ghost last night".

Why was the ghost late to the halloween party? He had to take a sheet.

The Nervous Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A most horrible occurrence. A man runs into a gas station, obviously very flustered. The attendant asks "You look like you've seen a ghost. What happened?" The man looks at the attendant and says, in a very shaky voice, "It's horrible. Someone just broke into my car when I came in to pay for my gas a minute ago." The attendant says "Oh my." The man continues, losing more coherence as he speaks "I had a ticket to the Lions game on Sunday sitting on the dashboard..." The attendant asks "Did they take your ticket?" The man says, barely able to speak at this point, "No, worse. They left another one there."

Black turned White Two black guys are walking down the street and saw a sign that says turn white for $75. BlackGuy1: Do you think it will work? BlackGuy2: Only one way to find out. BlackGuy1: I only have $50. BlackGuy2: Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change. BlackGuy1: Let's do it then! (BlackGuy2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.) BlackGuy1: Holy shit it actually worked! Let me get that $25. BlackGuy2: Fuck you, nigger. Get a job.

Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar? 1. Because he was sheet faced. 1. Because he couldn't hold his boos. EDIT: Formatting.

2 deer hunters 2 deer hunters go out one fall afternoon in to the forest to get in early for the evening hunt. After hours of hunting they finally kill a large buck. One of the men who was planning on using the bathroom at the campsite near their hunting area decides to take a dump in the woods. As he walks off the other hunter starts to field dress the deer when he thinks of the childish idea to place the intestines of the deer underneath his friend. using his sweet hunting sneak skills he drops off the organs without his partner noticing and scurries off. When he returns to the deer he snickers about his endeavours at first, then after 45 min of prepping the deer he notices the return of his partner the second deer hunter returns white as a ghost, walking bow legged. "holy shit, joe. whats wrong?" the first hunter asks with a wide grin "you dont understand john... when i was taking a dump... it... it all just fell out." the second hunter responds realising his joke worked, the first hunter loses it and laughes uncontrollably. Interrupting his laughing the hunter says "but don't worry. By the grace of god and these two fingers. I managed to get it all back in"

Last night I woke up and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor... ... at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Three Muslim refugees try to enter the US Three Muslim refugees flee to America only to learn that only Christian refugees are being allowed. The first Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says ,"I am a Christian and would like refugee status." The officer says,"ok if you are a Christian tell me about all saints day." The first Muslim says, "oh, all saints day very holy day in the Christian calendar. That's when all of the boys give their sweethearts flowers and candy and ask will you be mine." The immigration officer says, "hey you are Muslim get out of here." The second Muslim steps up to the officer and the officer says,"hey, are you sure you are Christian? If you are tell me about Christmas." The second Muslim says, "oh, Christmas very holy day in Christian calendar. That is the day when the children dress up as ghosts and ghouls and ask for tricks and treats." The officer says to the second Muslim, "you're no Christian, get out of here." The final Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says, "I am Christian and would like entry." The officer says, "well if you are Christian tell me about Easter." The third Muslim says," oh, Easter, very holy day in the Christian calendar. Christ the savior dies on the cross on a Friday, and is removed and buried. For three days his body lies in the grave behind a heavy stone. On the third day, Easter Sunday, Christ is risen he pushes aside the heavy stone, sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter.

What's the difference between a suicidal ghost hunter and a weaboo alcohol taster? One drinks bleach and watches spirits; the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.

A man hears a ghostly voice telling him to sell his house an all his possessions and take the money to Vegas. He complies and when he gets there the voice says, "go to the roulette table and put all your money on red." So he does and it lands on black. "Damn," says the ghostly voice.

Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars? Because they're only there for the boos.

A ghost says to his ghostfriend.. "I don't think I'm gonna enter the next ghost-race.." "Why not?" Asked the ghost-friend. "Because I've lost every other one!" He cries sullenly. "I believe in you, so enter the next ghost-race!" "..Yeah. Yeah! I **can** do this!" Cried the ghost, filled with motivation. Smug, the ghost friend said; "That's the spirit!"

What do you call a little person who can talk to ghosts and just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

why do ghosts like elevators? it lifts their spirits

How do ghosts get ghouls interested in them? They woooooooOOOOOOOooooo them.

The professor asked "how many believe in ghosts?" Almost half the class held up their hands The professor then asked "how many have seen a ghost?" More than a quarter to the class held up their hands The professor then asked "How many have talked to a ghost?" And three students held up their hands Finally the professor asked "How many have had sex with a ghost?" One student, a Muslim in the rear, held up his hand. The professor walked back to the student, and asked "So you've actually had sex with a ghost?" The student looked at the professor, a surprised look on his face, and muttered "I though you said goats..."