50+ Garbage Man Jokes

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts. I said "hey look, an escaPEA" No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so! Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

A Jewish man in 1930 sees his friend reading a well-known Nazi newspaper. Incredulous, he asks "What are you doing reading that garbage??" "Well," his friend replied. "Look at our city's Jewish newspaper. One article speaks about a pogrom, the next about rising antisemitism, the next about a vandalized synagogue, and it goes on and on. It's depressing!" He continues. "What does it say in the Nazi newspapers? It talks about how the Jews are wealthy, how the Jews control all the banks and the press, how the Jews are clever and powerful- it's a real ego boost!"

Customer complained I was "rude"; TL;DR at end So, a couple weeks ago my boss gave me a taking to. For reference I work at a very small independent neighborhood coffee shop. I know most of the regulars by order and the newbies I can generally give a good time to. This particular customer, regular though she is, is absolutely garbage. Rude, entitled, belittling, disrespectful; you name it. Usually I try to give minimal interaction, but one day I apparently didn't do things *just right* So I get to work one day, and the boss tells me he's gotten a complaint. Now, I've been there for almost 13 years, and aside from the growing pains of starting what is the equivalent of a coffee shop version of a dive bar, I have had complaints that I can count on one hand. Anyway, he goes on to tell me that a customer has complained that I've been rude/dismissive, etc... I say, okay. I will definitely be mindful of things with this customer moving forward Cue malicious compliance Every. Single. Time. I have seen her since, she gets the absolute, over-the-top, stepford barista treatment. Think June Cleaver ratcheted up to 13. Just pouring on the 'midwestern nice' like a thick saccharine syrup. I've been doing this for at least two maybe two and a half weeks. And, believe me when I say that it drives me absolutely out of my mind to do it. It takes so much energy to treat this human this way. Except today. Today I gave her the exact same treatment as I have been. Except today she made a crucial error. She let it slip that the way I talk to her is irritating. When I tell you I haven't had such a rush of happy brain chemicals in almost a decade, it's not a lie. And, now that I know it annoys her, it'll keep happening. Because now, it's not going to take excess energy to do it. Now it's fueled by spite. TL;DR: customer complained I was rude, so I'm "killing her with kindness" and she finds it irritating. Ergo, I will never stop Edit: someone pointed out an error in my recollection timeline. Mea maxima culpa

You said you wanted an ad with only one color. You got it buddy! This happened years ago in my past life as a graphic designer. But I still think about it to this day. I was 22 and fresh out of college with my graphic design degree. My first gig was at an advertising company. We mainly did those really horrible print car ads that you got in your mailbox and immediately threw in the trash. You know the ones: only one font and it’s huge and screaming at you. Every inch of space has a picture of car, cramming 50 cars into a 7x5 inch area. You know… trash! Fresh out of school, I foolishly made suggestions on how to make actual ads and not hot garbage. But it was made clear to me very quickly and very aggressively that they wanted trash. So I compiled. Now, we had one client who was THE client. He brought in the most money and bought the most trash ads from us. And he also was very specific on just how bad his ads should look. Font was Impact on all ads and it filled every corner of the paper. On one ad I remember him demanding I squeeze over 100 cars into a single space. It legit looked like a magic eye poster by the time it went to print. I dealt with that guy and his unreasonable requests for over a year. Well the guy amazingly got worse. Started telling me which colors I could or couldn’t use. And one by one, the colors dropped out. And eventually I had enough. After he said I could no longer use orange I said “just to confirm, you do not like and do not want me to use red, orange, yellow, green, purple, pink, brown, white, or black?” He confirmed. I said okay. The only color left was blue. So I spent hours taking all the cars, all the fonts, all the text and all design elements and making them all the same exact blue. No shading. No highlights. Just a flat blue. The end result was one giant flat blue square. Like someone took a paint roller over it. Now I could have made a blue square in two seconds. But I spent hours using all the elements he told me to use to cover my ass. Because when we sent that blue square to proof, the client of course blew up. Called me screaming. I replied calmly that he told me the only color I could use was blue. I used all the pictures and elements he asked for and did exactly what he wanted and made them blue. Our calls were recorded so I didn’t get in any trouble with my boss. And I got to waste several more hours remaking the same ad but with the original car pictures and elements. It was a really fun day.

Florida HOA nightmare. oh certified mail for all communication? you got it Posting this now because i no longer live in the house or neighborhood, but at the time i lived in a "lovely" cookie cutter neighborhood with an HOA. this was one of those neighborhoods where they finished like a 100 homes in the span of a few weeks and it was common to see 8 or 10 moving trucks on any given weekend. the neighborhood when from ghost town to filled in literally a month. In Florida, most HOAs are required to use certified mail when notifying home owners of violations. My HOA took this a step further that all notifications to the board would be through certified mail; received a violation? response in certified mail. requesting a hearing? certified mail. want the bylaws? certified mail. now this last one might strike you as odd, because how would you know to request the bylaws by certified mail, if you didn't have the bylaws already you might ask. let's put a pin in that one for now because upon moving in they were kind enough to provide the CC&Rs outlining what we could and could not do, but not the bylaws that told us how to handle violations and complaints. so i move in and everything is great...at first. that is until about the third month when there's a big packet taped to my door: a notice of intent to lien. the packet explains that i was delinquent on a number of violations, many of them repetitive. on the list are things like: -not keeping the garbage cans out of sight (we kept them on the side of the house like most neighbors) - standing water in between the sides of the homes (grading issue i was fighting with the developer over) - parking one of the vehicles in the driveway but over the sidewalk line - bushes not trimmed appropriately - unapproved modifications to the doorway (installing a Ring Doorbell camera) the list went on, but totaled $4,032.12 for violations, late fees, and legal fees. i immediately email requesting more information, and don't get a response. i do this for a few days before threatening legal action in a admittedly hostile emails; to which i finally get a response indicating that "all communications regarding violations will only be addressed via communication methods approved in the bylaws." i request a copy of the bylaws. "all requests for the bylaws must be submitted via approved communications methods, as per the bylaws." at this point im about to go postal, but if Edmond Dantes could wait 14 years for revenge, i could take a breath and figure this out. the notice gave me 45 days and it had only been a couple days - i had time to figure this out. little known fact about developers and HOAs in Florida: the developer is the one that drafts the initial CC&R, bylaws, and legal documents then hands it off to the board. my developer, who's name starts with "D" and ends with a word that sounds like shmorton was already on my shit list for a number of issues, including the improper grading. when i emailed my contacts requesting a copy of the bylaws, i don't think they wanted to add to the growing list of shit i was vehemently emailing them about already and i had a copy within minutes. that's when i found the certified mail language. now the wheels were turning, because it stated ALL communication was to be by certified mail. each violation was to be filed separately, and delivered by certified mail, each notice of failure to cure and the late fee...certified mail. EVERYTHING. i had 8 unique violations, plus repeat violations over a period of 9 weeks. at a minimum, i should have received like 22 notices via certified mail...at around $7 a pop. cue malicious compliance. my revenge...i mean malicious compliance was two pronged. my morality has developed to a fashion that if you want to wrongfully take from me, i am willing to spend just as much as you want, to fight you. they wanted $4k from me...i was willing to spend a good amount of that just to fuck with them. i took off two days from work and prepared a little game of FAFO. so step 1 was to draft a single page, no personal details, but explaining my situation and warning any neighbors going through something similar what the bylaws indicated and that all homeowners should immediately request a copy of the bylaws via certified mail. i provided the board address, the language to include (which stipulated that the response from the board, even if it was a copy of the bylaws) was to be by certified mail. meaning a printed copy of the bylaws, which was 29 pages. i also encouraged anyone fighting infractions or having received a notice of intent to lien what to do. i printed about 150 copies because that's how many houses were in the neighborhood. roped in a few close neighbors and we stuck a notice on about every door. step 2 was to fight each violation...individually. i drafted a template language indicating that i was refuting each violation. some more boiler plate language on why is was refuting it, and the coup

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen... Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Watching his wife dangling their squealing newborn over the sink, he immediately called 911 as she fed one of its kicking legs into the garbage disposal. With the police knocking and the garbage disposal gurgling blood, he announced, “When I click my fingers, you will be fully… wide… awake.”

Lazy boss demands I do as he says or quit…. So, back circa 2000 I was a freshman in college. I didn’t have a wealthy family but got good scholarships from grades, but I still had to work 20 hours a week to make ends meet. I ended up working in the school cafeteria as a dishwasher, this position paid extra compared to other student positions and I got a free meal each shift. There were a couple full time staff supplemented by us students, they of course got the clean side of the conveyor belt washer (these guys were all great, very nice to us students). The other 3 spots (first spot on conveyor to pull silverware/cups/garbage, second conveyor spot rinsing/stacking dishes and the person loading washer) were typically students. First quarter goes good, we’re a bit short handed but the group I usually worked with got on well and we all learned which spots we were fastest at - so when busy we’d all go where fastest to keep from getting overwhelmed. When slower we’d rotate to break up monotony. Second quarter rolls around and someone in management decided we needed a “dish room supervisor”, enter new hire “Kevin”. Kevin is a lazy jackass, he would spend 1-2 hours eating and would only come in to yell at us before disappearing. We all hated him. Well one night it happened, Kevin decided he was going to order which spot we worked at. Of course he did this on a shift we were shorter than usual and somehow managed to put all 3 of us in our slowest spots. I of course tried to explain why we had been in different spots and should stay there. Kevin was having none of it, told me to shut up and do as he said or quit. So I did, I said I was done and walked out. His expression was priceless. Even better when I changed and came back for dinner he was having to work himself in the first conveyor spot (close by tray drop off) so I made sure to smile at him. I apologized to my friends for dipping out on them but they understood, they didn’t last too much longer either but Kevin apparently treated them nicer afterwards.

While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the lady. “Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.” “Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the head of state. “I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.” She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.” So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the head of state. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

Don't touch my Garbage! hey all, friendly neighborhood Trash-Panda here (the giant kind, not the bandit kind, it'll make sense in a minute). backstory: i work as a sanitation engineer with a primary focus on residential communities (i'm a garbage collector for houses (see, it makes sense now)). our collection is handled "automatically", our trucks have a hydraulic grabber that we control from inside the cab to grab carts and dump them into the truck, we generally do not need to get out of the truck, we're not manually lifting and tossing garbage, it's a pretty easy gig. what most people don't realize is the RULES for garbage collection, there are A LOT of rules placed on homeowners/residents: what materials are acceptable, size limitations, if your garbage bin lid isn't fully closed, and a "big" one is bin placement. all bins need to be 1 meter away from, basically anything else, parked vehicles, other bins. this is to ensure ease of using the hydraulics to grab the bins, and also to prevent possible damage like scraping someones car or busting a headlight or something. generally this isn't an issue in that, with a bit of practice you get good at grabbing bins even if they're parked right beside each other, or we'll just hop out of our truck, move the bin a little so it's easy to grab and then move it back. reasoning for this is 1: we're not Aholes, and it's just the nice neighborly thing to do since myself and most of my colleagues live in the same community we work and 2: it's actually A LOT of paperwork for us to fill out for violations, so it's significantly easier to just take the 30 seconds to move the bin then the 5 minutes to do all the paperwork to issue a violation ticket. story: we service a community that does both garbage and recycle on the same day, 2 bins, 2 trucks, 2 drivers. most residents will put both bins side by side touching each other (a violation) so what we'll do is which ever truck gets to the location first will grab their bin, dump it then move it maybe a foot or 2 away from the other driver's bin so the second driver has an easier time grabbing it, it saves time for for us, and makes things run smoother. and we don't get complaints from people.... until we do. a resident complained that we were "moving her bins" and word travelled to the higher ups myself and my colleague got disciplined, instructed to places bins back "exactly where we got them from" and then were monitored via our dash cams for a few weeks to ensure compliance and out supervisor would take a trip out to the specific resident who complained after our shift to ensure the bins were not moved. not appreciated being discipled so severely because someone had to take 2 extra steps to get one of her bins we complied to the letter with her request. unfortunately for her she had a habit of placing her bins side by side, which is a spacing violation. so for 2 MONTHS, every week we would get to her residence, bins are side by side, so we can't grab them due to not enough space, fill out paperwork for a violation and place the violation ticket on her bins, and not dump her bins, she finally got the hint after about 2 months and started spacing her bins 3 feet apart, and never complained about us moving her bins again. she also had to pay several small fees for extra pickup, since by the time she figured it out she had several bins full of garbage and regulations are 1 bin dump per resident, anything extra is a not insignificant fee per extra bag. TLDR: woman complained that we moved her garbage bin while collecting her garbage despite us bending the rules to dump her garbage, so we followed rules to the letter and she lived in trash for 2 months. \-edit- fixed words Update: i have a new story i posted [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/1przoni/dont_touch_my_garbage_redux/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). - fair warning, it's not satisfying in the least and does not have a happy ending.​

Don't assume I am a crook This happened a few years back, when I was between jobs, a mini-recession was underway, and I wanted a who-cares job in a high-energy environment. I ended up managing a food stand at the local NHL hockey arena. In the stand there was myself (Stand Lead), one head cashier, a cook, a runner, and a number of cashiers. This company started from the position that all their employees were crooks - sorry to be so blunt, but that was their reality. It was not an unfounded position - refilling beer cups and pocketing the cash from the sale was not a rare practice. I had two of my cashiers fired after secret shoppers caught them. The trick was to do this with non-inventory items. At the start and end of a night I counted everything: Beer cups, the cardboard triangles on which pizza was served, popcorn bags, bags of potato chips, etc. Bulk items could not be counted: Popcorn, draft beer, nacho chips, etc. At the end of the night we garbaged the bulk items that cannot be carried over to the next night: Cooked hot dogs, pizza sliced, popcorn, etc. We may have wolfed down a few items. "We're closed, I'm going to toss these three leftover slices in the bin, anyone want one?" I recorded the waste (three slices), but they may not have all made it into the garbage. Apparently some suit envisioned that stands might loading up with extra food from the delivery folks, or cooking extra hot dogs. Manglement got their panties in a twist about us eating the garbage, and sent a memo that all waste was to be boxed up and carried down to the warehouse. So we did as told. After counting the waste, into the box went a random assortment of pizza slices, hot dogs, and popcorn. It wasn't put in neatly. There was always lots of popcorn. Manglement probably didn't care about the popcorn, but the directive was vague so they got it anyway. The box was stuffed with popcorn. If the warehouse ever did anything with what was in that box, it would be a fermenting fly-infested mess by the time they got around to opening the boxes. At the after-work beer party the directive was discussed, none of the stand leads liked the assumptions made regarding our integrity, and they adopted the practice. A month or two later I had reason to chat with the warehouse on another topic, and I asked them what they did with all the food waste that was brought down. Answer: We toss it right into the dumpster, we're not digging through that mess. "You never go in and count anything?" Nah, the suits tried to make us, but we refused, we already have full time jobs and they wouldn't hire anyone whose job description was to dig through garbage. It's just the suits trying to intimidate you stand leads. I resumed binning my waste, and not lugging anything down to the warehouse. Nobody noticed. I passed the word. Neither we, nor the warehouse, told management. The empty suits never noticed.

A little old lady... A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" the old lady said.... "well,Not everybody pays."

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued... "Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

You said to put your shit outside… You never said where. This happened about ten years ago, but it still makes me laugh every time I think about it. I was in my early twenties, dating this guy who was ridiculously controlling and full of himself. Classic narcissist. Everything revolved around him, and in his mind, he could do no wrong. You know the type. Anyway, after I caught him cheating, I finally hit my limit and told him I was done for good. The way I found out he was cheating was the best part. I’d had my suspicions for a while, so I went through his phone. Sure enough, there were months of messages between him and some girl he worked with. Flirty garbage, talking about how he couldn’t wait to leave me… all that nonsense. But one text in particular had me rolling my eyes. He had sent her this the day before: “She’s driving me crazy. She’s got me through the roof. I need you so bad, babe.” Got me through the roof? Pretty sure that’s not how the expression goes. Your blood pressure can be through the roof. Your anxiety, your rage… sure. But unless you’re Spider-Man or a haunted Victorian child, you are not through the damn roof. The next morning while he was at work, I texted him and said I was done. He kept pressing me to explain, but I never admitted I’d read his messages. I let him stew in his own arrogance until he finally realized I wasn’t bluffing. By that point, he had pretty much moved into my house. So naturally, he wanted all his stuff back. He texted me something like, “You better have all my shit outside when I get there. And I mean every fucking bit of it. I’m not making two trips.” Oh, don’t worry, sweetheart. I gathered every last thing he had at my place, which included at least a third of his wardrobe, a pile of overpriced hats, two pairs of pristine Jordans, and an iPad. I stuffed everything (minus the iPad) into a trash bag, tied it loosely, walked outside, and launched it straight onto the roof. Some of his clothes flew out mid-air and scattered across the yard. Most of it landed on the roof and just chilled up there like it paid rent. As for the iPad, I put it in a box and set it near the edge of the driveway. Not long after, a couple of teenagers walked by and peeked inside. I was sitting on the porch when one of them asked, “Is this yours?” “Nope.” “Can we have it?” “Sure. Why not.” He said to put his stuff outside. He never said I had to guard it. About two hours later, he pulled up, saw his clothes strewn across the lawn and a trash bag dangling off the roof, and lost it. He started pounding on the door, furious, yelling, “Why the fuck are my clothes on the roof?!” I swung the door open, looked him dead in the eye, and said, “Well, judging by the texts you sent your little girlfriend… apparently, I had you through the roof. I figured your clothes might as well join you. You told me to put your shit outside. You didn’t say where.” He stood there red-faced, fists clenched, seething. “And how the fuck am I supposed to get my shit off the roof?” I shrugged, smiled sweetly, and said, “Maybe your girlfriend can loan you a ladder,” then slammed the door in his face. The funniest part is that he ended up making two trips after all. Lol. He did come back later with a ladder. Whether or not she loaned it to him, I couldn’t say. I stayed inside with the door locked and haven’t heard much from him since. ETA: The one and only time I talk to him after the break up was the next day when he texted to ask if he could come get his iPad.😂 I told him the truth… That I sat it outside like he asked me to. If it’s not there, I guess someone stole it. Sorry. I don’t think he believed me because he threatened to GPS track it. I told him to go ahead. Don’t know if he was ever able to locate it or not because I blocked his number after that. Lol.

Cargo gets priority? You got it boss! Hello! I'm writing as itnis happening right now. I work as a ramp agent in a regioanl airport in Europe. We've beem suffering a workers shortage for years now, bit it has finally become crtical: we do not have anymore the personell to operate all the flights. Our most paying customer is a famous cargo company, who is really picky about rules and such, plus they want a really specific amoumt of workers under the flight. In order to cover for that our boss told us "if you are called for the cargo, just drop what you are doomg and run to the cargo! They are our top customers, we have to give them priority" You got it boss! Today we have some sickeness so we had to pull everybody from all the other flights. The flight I'm currelty under could have been finished in 3 minutes and now it will be delayed by i don't know how long. Have fun with all the complaints from the other companies! P.S. english is not my first language, sorry for the mistakes! Update! As of 06.28 all doors as closed. "Sadly" the aircraft was suppose to leave at .20, so the slot was lost. New slot will be at 7.04 LT. 1h delay! Update 2: it is malicious because what we used to do was to leave a guy behind with the ramp agent (me) to finish the loading. We are not doing that anymore, because management said "just drop what you are doing" And honestly, both the guys and me are pissed to always run and make an effort for garbage pay and to see more and more seasonal colleagues left at home because "there isn't enough work" so that we have to always run and work unsafely

A frog walks into a bank A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says "I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black" "Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?" "One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager." The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this. "As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant. "What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!" "Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts. "Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog. "Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?" "Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager. "There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?" The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

I could hear a crying baby in the garbage can, so I opened the lid and looked inside. Then I emptied it into the back of the garbage truck and turned on the crusher before anyone else heard it crying.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the window.. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry; that was an insect". To which, her daughter replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that".

A dildo hits a family car... A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

A Mom is driving with her 7-year old daughter. They are following a garbage truck, when a dildo flies out and hits the windshield. The little girl asks, "Mom, what was that?" Mom, being embarrassed, says "Oh honey, it was just a bug." "Wow!", says the little girl, "It sure had a big dick!"

Becoming a garbage man isn't hard.... you just pick it up as you go along. ^^^*I'm* ^^^*terribly* ^^^*sorry*

A university physics department is seeking funds to buy a cyclotron. "This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean. "That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it." "Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?" asks the Dean. "All they need are pencils, paper, and a garbage can." "The Dean continues, "Better yet, you could be like the philosophy department. They don't even need the garbage can."

A farm boy comes down to eat some breakfast On the table, is bacon, eggs and a huge glass of milk. However, before the boy could have anything, his mom demanded that he take out the garbage. Angry at the world, the boy goes outside to take the garbage. On his way back inside, he stops at the pig pen, and kicks a pig in anger. He stops at the chicken coup and kicks a chicken in anger. He then stops at the cow barn and kicks a cow in anger. Back inside, the boy feeling better, sits down. Only to find a bowl of dry cereal. He exclaims, "What's this?!" The mom replies, "Well, because you kicked the pig, you get no bacon. Because you kicked the chicken, you get no eggs. And because you kicked the cow you get no milk." Suddenly, an angry voice comes from the other room. Tripping, the dad kicks the cat in anger. The boy responds, "Wanna tell him or should I?"

You don't want me to help them when they come over?? fine. i won't help them when they come over This story starts waaay before 2023 but the crux of the situation started in 2023. for context, i am not from the US, but instead a Caribbean country. most of yall already guessed it. so i believe it was 2015 when someone who my family knew moved in next door to us. at that time it was a just single mom with 2 kids. now because of the economy of where i lived, even back then, time's were hard for everyone, my family included. so they would always ask for assistance (such as salt, sugar, etc etc). even times they would come over to stay of the day or what not. never really an issue for me at that time. the issue was when the single mom (well technically she just didn't live with her man) had another kid with her man. now it was 3 mouths for her to feed. when that happened, again, they came over a lot more constantly. which, never minded since they wasnt over all the time and would go home in the evenings, but it was rising. fast forward, after the pandemic hits and it was 2021, they were over a lot. n they would still ask for commodities, and i would always be the one to get it for them. so if they wanted salt, an onion, a tomato, etc etc, i would always be the one to help them. heck, most times they dont even go to my egg donor and instead just come straight to me if they wanted something. but the main issue that I was having was that they were eating a lot of our already diminishing food. and i was saying to my egg donor (would never call that piece of trash mom) that we cant keep doing it for the long run, because we already dont have much. she told me to just shut up because "we" are helping them (for additional context, i was the only doing 80-90% of the cooking). this sentiment was also shared with all of my older sisters (they are also garbage as well). now u might be wondering, what does that have to do with malicious compliance??? just continue reading and u will see. fast forward to 2023, the year it happened. my egg donor and her oldest cult member, ie, her oldest daughter was talking in a room in that house. i dont remember why but i was outside. the lady sent over her youngest daughter to ask for something. so because I was outside, im like ok, imma just see what she wants and get it from her. so i said "hey, what do u want?". she replied she was gonna ask my egg donor for it. I'm like i can just get it for u, she was like no. so i was like "just tell me what u want n imma go get it for u". then i heard her mom calling for her and i was thinking, I was gonna get it for her. few days later, my egg donor called me and asked why i shouted at the lady youngest daughter. i was like i didnt. i only asked her what she wanted. then she and i got into a back and forth where she was essentially saying i was wrong and i should have allowed her to come directly to her and me saying i usually just assist them without u or anyone else being disturbed. then she said these words "it doesn't matter. when them come over and ask for anything, just dont help them and make them come to me" cue malicious compliance. mind u, at this point, i already detested my egg donor and her daughters. so I was happy to obliged her and her command. what they didnt realize was the many times i had to help them when they asked for things and cooked for my neighbors daughter as well (yes i was that dumb, roast me for it. idc). the next time they came over to ask for something and they came to me, i just directed them to my egg donor or her daughters. now realize this, I was doing this since i was 17 until i was 23 and apart from my small suggestions, i never complained about it once. they could not even manage a few months without them complaining. they were like "everytime them want something, them come over here and ask. if they want something to eat, we have to cook it for them, etc etc". and i was just basking in it. i even remember 1 specific situation where one of my neighbor's daughter came inside my house and ask me for something. i said to her to go outside and ask my egg donor. she came back in and said my egg donor said i should do it. i look this young girl in her face and said "tell her that i said, if she want u fi get the thing, she should come in and give it to u herself". man my egg donor was mad about that lmao. and their anger about the situation just grew and grew. mostly because my egg donor would be sleeping and they came over to ask for something, n i would direct the kids and say to them "wake them up and ask them for what u want". needless to say they were very upset that they even ask me to go back to help out and i said NO. now for additional context, remember when i said i would bring up concerns like we already have diminishing food n giving them?? they said i was evil for not helping them out and talking about our diminishing food and how often they were visiting and sleeping over, etc et

An old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her... ..One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?‘ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "That seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

Murderous neighbor A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

A magician announces to the audience that, for his next trick, he will disappear He then takes a pear out of his pocket and says “screw you, piece of garbage. You taste like crap…”

A nun walks in to a liquor store (this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me) A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's constipation". He finishes the transaction and sends her on her way. When the clerk was taking out the garbage at the end of the night, he spied the same nun behind the dumpster. The nun was drunk as a skunk, and the bottle was empty. He said to her, "I thought you told me that was for Mother Superior's constipation". She replied, "it is! When she sees me, she's gonna shit!"

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.... Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS ... what was the question again?

A monster finds a cave and scares off the miners previously inside of the cave. Cecil Coalman, the owner of the cave, then offered $1000 to whoever could get the monster out of the cave.  The first to try was a butcher with a knife. After she disappeared into the cave, Cecil heard a swish, followed by a creak. The butcher then ran out with her knife bent.  The second to try was a hunter with a shotgun. After he disappeared into the cave, Cecil heard two shots, followed by a loud slap. The hunter then ran out while covering his ass. The third to try was an older woman with a phone. After she disappeared into the cave, Cecil heard a click, followed by crying. The monster then ran out with his tail tucked between his legs.  When the older woman exited the cave, Cecil rewarded her and asked, “How did you get that monster to leave?” The older woman showed a photo of a mountain of garbage.  Cecil then asked, “Is this from the cave?” The older woman nodded, “Yes. I said I would send this photo to his mother.”

What has four wheels and flies A Garbage truck

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS ...what was the question again?

A rope walks into a bar A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out. The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls down the heavily inclined street, bouncing into fencing, trees, garbage cans, and a small child. The rope, now barely recognizable, picks himself up, marches back into the bar, and demands his beverage of choice. The bartender looks up, suspiciously, and asks "Ain't you that rope I just threw outta 'ere?" The rope retorts "No, sir, I'm a frayed knot."

Driving behind a garbage truck A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Game Day entrepreneur . . . A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath. Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag." "Oh, rats! Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my yard is right next to the baseball stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my garden. It used to really annoy me and kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the most of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my shears. Every time some guy sticks his dingus through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $50, or I cut off your johnson!" "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays"

Living next to a golf course A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'" "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" he asked. She replied, "Not everybody pays."

What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies? A garbage truck

What has four wheels and flys? A garbage truck.

The garbage men are collecting the bins when one of them notices the bin of the old Japanese guy in number 23 is missing.... So he rings the dorbell. "Harro!" the Japanese man says as he opens the door "What is matter?" The garbage man, short on time, cuts to the chase "Where's your bin?" "Uhm... I bin on toiret" "Nah man, I mean where's your dust bin?" "I said, I dust bin on toiret!" "Dude you're understanding me wrong. Where's your wheely bin?" "Fiiiine" says the Japanese guy, "I wheely bin having wank!"

I just got hired as a garbage truck driver. There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

Wheelie bin In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins." A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man. "G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No mate, where's ya' dust bin?" "I dust been to toilet, I toll you!' says the Japanese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'" "OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin havin sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

This guy walks up to his wife one day This guy walks up to his wife one day and grabs her breast, he says " if these were firmer, you could get rid of your bra." the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. The next day, the husband comes up to his wife and grabs her butt, and says, "If this was firmer, you could get rid of your pantyhose." the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. Later that night, they're laying in bed, and the wife rolls over and grabs her husband's dick, and says " if this was firmer, we could get rid of the garbage man, the mail man, and your brother."

I've been reading the thesaurus a lot lately... because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

A woman is cheating on his husband and having group sex with three men... When all of a sudden, the husband returns home from work early. In a panic, the three men run to the backyard stark naked, and looking around, they see three large garbage bags and decide to hide in them and so each one gets into a bag. The husband comes in the bathroom, sees his wife all naked and sweaty and immediately realizes what's going, sees the door leading to the backyard open, grabs his shotgun and runs outside ready to commit murder, "I'll kill the bastard!" Once outside, he sees the three bags and realizing the level of cuckolding he's been subjected to, decides to have some fun first. He approaches the first bag and gives it a soft kick, from inside the first man lets out a "Baaa, baaa..." "Oh", growls the man out loud, "there's a sheep in that bag." He moves on to the second bag and gives that one a kick and from inside the second guy lets out a "Buuk, buk, buk, buk...". "We seem to have a chicken in this bag" hisses the man and moves on an gives the third bag a kick. Nothing happens. He steps back and gives the bag a harder kick boiling with anger and again nothing happens. Starting to see red, he gives the bag a kick with all his might and stomps it a couple of times and from inside the third guy moans, "It's a bag of potatoes you asshole, potatoes"!

World Cut Soccer A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it. A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag." "Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up." "Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'" "Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?" "Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

It's been a week since my wife went missing. The police told me to expect the worst. So I took her things back out of the garbage bin.

Don't worry; that was an insect. A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

A lying neighbor A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Just another Johnny joke One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?" "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad. Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom." "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!" Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

Son, we need to talk 'Son, we need to talk!' 'Yes, dad?' 'Your mother said she saw you watching inappropriate videos online. Those videos are trash, they’re garbage and if you keep watching them, you’ll go blind!' 'Dad?' 'Yes, son?' 'I’m over here.'

What has 8 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

A little old lady was walking down the street... A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it. A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag." "Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up." "Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?" "Oh, heavens no!" she said. "My yard backs up to the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'" "Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?" "Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

President George W. Bush Gets Some Bad News... Dick Cheney enters the Oval Office, where he finds President Bush busy playing with his Garbage Pail Kids collection. "Mr. President," Cheney says, "I have some disconcerting news about the War in Iraq." Bush glances up from his busywork and says, "Give it to me straight, Dick". Cheney says, "Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were just killed by the insurgents." Bush collapses to his knees and howls in grief, Cheney is shocked. Finally, Bush clambers to his feet and, wiping tears from his face says, "Aw Dick, how many millions are in a brazillion?"

A judge asks a defendant to please stand "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

The mailman's last day A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds. The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing sex the mailman had ever had in his life. As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked. "Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"

What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags? A Pillow Fight

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Six was never the same after the war. The metallic clang of a dumpster closing and a garbage truck in the morning would bring him back to the enemy tanks running over innocent houses and villages whilst he and his surviving mates hid cowering in the bushes waiting for the metallic monstrosities to pass. Praying the next cannon fire would not be in their direction. They held their breath and eyes as the whirring roar of the machine went away. Seven had been seeing Six about his trauma for years and in all his years of therapy had never encountered such a severe case of PTSD. He tried to get Six to go back to those moments so he could confront and overcome them but many sessions would end with Six screaming in the fetal position on the couch. Seven looked down in pity at the cowering Six and sometimes it seemed hopeless... But dammit Seven wasn't going to give up on a human being the government had used and thrown aside as shrapnel. There had to be a way. That night 7s wife asked "what's wrong honey?". "Oh just this client... " he replied, as he 8 the 9 his wife had served him.

What do a common garbage can and Leonardo DiCaprio have in common? No Oscar!

The old lady's two plastic bags.. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator? Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

Our guru told us this joke when my mom told him I got scared by a stray cat at night while taking out the garbage. There was this one cowardly guy who was scared of many things and once he took a journey to another town. While at it, he came upon a tunnel. He quickly got scared of the tunnel and started to look around for help. He saw a person standing by and asks him for help. The person says he's a guide and you came to right person. So, they enter the tunnel with the guide leading the way. After a while, they came across spiders and the coward got scared. "Don't worry, there are rats upfront. Rats will eat all the spiders" says the guide. The coward with full courage moved forward slowly and after few meters the rats start appearing. "Rats! I'm also scared of rats" said the coward and again the guide comforts him that there is snake upfront and snake will eat all the rats. The coward now has come so far now that he cannot return back so he thought it is better to move forward. Both walk for minutes and suddenly big snakes start crawling. "Snakes! I'm most scared of snakes" said the coward. Again, the guide tries to comfort the coward and says "Don't worry, a bit ahead there are ghost of dead ones. They will kill the snakes." The coward asks " What if the ghosts don't kill the snakes?". Then, the guide says "I don't know. I was eaten by snakes a while ago. So.."

Being an HR, whenever I get a new batch of resumes, I always throw half of them in the garbage. I don't want unlucky people working in my department.

What's the difference between an elected official and a piece of garbage? Garbage gets thrown out.

Two men are fishing on a dock... Two men are fishing on a dock next to a sign that says "Warning! The end is near!" Another man drives up in his car, stops right behind the two and says, "You dumb Jehovah Witnesses! You're always peddling that 'end is near' garbage! Why don't you guys just mind your own business!" and he steps on the gas and speeds off. Not five seconds later the two men hear tires screeching and a loud splash as the man drives right into the river. Both men look at each other and one says, "Told you we shoulda just put 'Bridge Out' ".

One for the software devs There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering: 1. Garbage collection 2. Naming things 3. Off-by-one errors

Have any you ever tried to throw out a garbage can ? I leave it on the curb everyday, and its always there when I get back from work.

I got catcalled by the garbagemen outside my house this morning... They know a good piece of trash when they see one.

What did they say about Baghdad after they installed too many garbage cans? It was Bin Laden

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar. There's a tiny man playing a tiny piano Barton. "What's with the..." "Fuckin genie's a goddamn idiot. I rubbed his lamp and well...I got this...anyway I chucked him and his stupid lamp out in the trash." Intrigued, the man left the bar and went to the garbage. There he found the lamp and he rubbed it. Out came a genie. "You have one wish." "I want a million bucks." "Granted." The genie snapped his fingers. The sky darkened. Loud quacks came from above. The man looked up at a million ducks flying above. He ran inside the bar. "I think that genie may be hard of hearing..." He tells the bartender. "You're telling me? What the hell am I supposed to do with a twelve inch pianist?"

What's the difference between a garbage truck and a school bus? One goes around neighborhoods picking up useless pieces of garbage that nobody wants in their houses anymore.. And the other's a garbage truck.

What's the difference between Ocean and my Programming Code Repository? They are putting some efforts for cleaning Garbage from the ocean.

There were three friends: Shit, Shut-Up and Manners... One sunny day, Shit was watering his garden when he tripped on his hose and fell into his garbage bin. Now he was quite stuck so he called his friend Manners who lived down the road, just around the corner. Upon arriving, Manners realised he would need some help to get Shit unstuck so he called his friend Shut-Up. Now Shut-Up lived on the other side of town, so he hopped in his car and raced off. Just before he passed Manners' house, a policeman pulled him over for speeding. The Policeman came over and asked Shut-Up what his name was, to which he replied "Shut-Up". Offended, the Policeman asked again, and again Shut-Up replied "Shut-Up". Furious now, the Policeman asked a third time. Shut-Up, who was no doubt confused by the Policeman's anger, replied again saying, "I've already told you. Shut-Up." Lividly, the Policeman retorted, "Where are your manners!" Speeding off in confusion, Shut-Up replied "Around the corner picking up Shit"

A father takes his son to the casino. A father takes his son to the casino and they lose $1,000 in one hour. Dad tells his disappointed son “don’t worry son we’ll come back tomorrow and do better” The next day they come back to the casino and the dad grabs $1,000 and throws it in the garbage and heads for the exit. The son asks his dad wtf he’s doing and the dad says “yesterday we lost time and money, today we only lost money”

I'm ashamed to share my most recent math pun.. It's | garbage |

What's the most eco friendly subreddit? /r/Jokes because over 90% is recycled garbage.

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller... He sees the tellers name tag reads Patty Black and says "I'd like to take out a loan, Ms. Black" "Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?" "One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager." The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this. "As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant. "What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!" "Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts. "Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog. "Why, it's Mick Jagger!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?" "Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager. "There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Mick, Jagger! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?" The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

A cop is patrolling the streets... when he sees an old woman carrying two large garbage bags. Out of suspicion, he walks up to her and asks "Good day, ma'am. Do you mind if I ask what's in those garbage bags?" The woman stops and says "Why, of course, officer! You see, I live right next to a golf park, and the only thing separating my house from the park is my fence. In the fence are holes, and sometimes those rapscallions piss in those holes, ruining my poor, poor flower garden. So I've started telling them to either pay $5 or get their penis cut off by my shears, and that's what's in this bag. I've made a huge profit from this!" The cop is surprised by the woman's tactics. "Alright, ma'am. Carry on!" As the woman is walking away, the cop turns and asks "Wait! Miss! What's in the other bag?" The old woman replies "Some people don't pay!"

What did Princess Leia say to Han Solo on their wedding night? Into the garbage chute, flyboy!

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire. The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"

Two roaches Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant."I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.""Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Hmmm... If I throw a watch in the garbage.... Is that considered a waste of time..?

This guy walks up to his wife one day This guy walks up to his wife one day, grabs her butt, and says "you know if this was firmer, you could get rid of your shapewear panties." His wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. The next day, the guy grabs his wife's breasts and says, "you know if these were firmer, you could get rid of your bra." Again, his wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. Later that night, they're laying in bed and the wife rolls over and grabs her husbands penis and says, "you know if this was firmer, we could get rid of the Mailman, the Garbage man, and your brother."

I keep a garbage can at the end of my driveway that some guy throws trash into almost every day. It's worth it because sometimes he leaves a present in it for me. My neighbor calls him "the male man" which is silly since he's obviously not a "female man".

When I woke up this morning, the garbage disposal was making a funny noise. Turns out he was just masturbating in the next room.

I finally made something of myself It's a wad of hair and ear wax and snot sitting in the garbage can.

What's the Difference Between Trump and Garbage Garbage can be thrown out

Why did God give the seagulls wings? To beat the French to the garbage

"The garbage needs to go out. It's full of candy wrappers." "Is Eminem in there?"

Vampire was searching the garbage... ...and the man came and asked him... M: what are you doing? V: I am looking for used tampons... M: why? V: My wife is sick, I have to make her some tea!

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

I saw a documentry on saving the planet They had some garbage facts

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?" "Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday". "Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?" "Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.”

Laugh jokes I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P. "GEORGE WILLBORN . CAUGHT UP IN TROUBLE" It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town. What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright? " JAMES HANNAH !SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T DO " I think if you go to jail for something you didn't do, you should get credit towards another crime. LAW SCHOOL FOR NUNS What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam? A sister-in-law. SINGLED-CELLED LAWYER What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba? One wears a tie. CORPORATE BOOTY CALL... MAIL SLOT I may have dropped something; I need to feel around in your mail slot. BLONDE'S STARTING SALARY A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?" She replies, "In three months." MICROSOFT AND A HALTER TOP What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support! BURRIED 10 FEET UNDER Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground? Because deep down, they're really not that bad! LAWYERS STINKIN' UP THE PLACE Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral? There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Where do trailer park miscarriages go? Out of the trash and into the garbage

Bobby father got laid off... Bobby wants a ten speed bike for Christmas so Bobby goes and tells his mother. His mother says "Oh, Bobby, things have been hard since your father got laid off, I don't think we can afford it, but if you pray really hard, maybe there will be a way. But there really isn't any way we can afford it." So, Bobby goes to his room and sits down to write a letter to God. "Dear God, if you make sure I get my ten speed bike for Christmas, I will do the dishes every night, do my homework every day, take the garbage out, and go to the store every time my mother asks me." He rereads the letter over and thinks to himself "Gosh, that's way too much work!" So Bobby writes another letter to God: "Dear God, if you make sure I get my ten speed bike for Christmas, I will do the dishes three times a week and do my homework all the time." Bobby rereads the letter again and thinks, "That's still too much work." Bobby gets really upset as he tries to think of a way he can get his bike without doing all this work, and suddenly he gets an idea. All excited, Bobby runs down to the living room where his mother has set up a nativity set and he takes the baby Jesus out of the manger, wraps it really lovingly in a cloth and takes him up to his room. Bobby then sits down and writes a letter to God "Dear God, if you ever want to see your son again..."

I was going to go as a worthless piece of garbage for Halloween... ...but then I realized I go as that every day of the year.

What us the difference between garbage and Jersey Girls? Garbage gets picked up.