100+ Football Jokes

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.' 'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?' 'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .' 'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.' So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .' The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.' Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .'

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Ted Cruz went to Indiana - Hoosier Country - stood on a basketball court, and called the hoop a "basketball ring. What else is in his lexicon? Baseball Sticks? Football Hats? But sure, I'm the foreign one. Barack Obama April 30 2016 ORNIT OF TIE

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

Paddy had been drinking Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "to hell with it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was tanked' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub."

Water main burst, maintenance guy told me to stop dumping water out the window I'm a high school science teacher and a few years back a water main burst in my classroom. I saw the drain was clogged so I sent the majority of the class to the library and grabbed some students I knew could handle themselves from coaching wrestling and football. I had them help carry water to the window in trash cans while I called Building and Grounds. A few minutes later a maintenance guy came in and yelled at me, told everyone to leave and that we should let the water fill the class until the pressure cleared the blockage in the drain. The water pressure did not clear the blockage in the drain. The whole hallway on both sides flooded, as did the hallway beneath it, mold grew and we had to shut down over 40 classrooms for over a year. There wasn't enough classroom space and we had to split the student body in half and have one group come in from 5 am to 11 and the other come in from 11-5 pm. The repair cost the district over $15 million. All spring sports were cancelled for the year, the next year's fall sports were cancelled too and in a lot of ways the district never recovered. I got a load of crap from my supervisor, a VP and the school principal in the immediate aftermath and wasn't brought back the next year. I got offered my old job back when they realized how much damage I was trying to prevent but had already moved on to greener pastures.

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..." Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

What's the most American thing ever? An "obese" kid pulling out a "gun" from inside a "cheeseburger" aiming at the "school" "football" players from several "feet" away, while screaming "Go back to your own country."

German football league in 1943 Announcer: *welcome to ze penultimate day of ze German footvall league. * Ze Americans vill play in ze East field. Ze British vill play in ze West field. And ze Jews shall play in ze mine field.

Pavlov's birds An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

I REALLY fixed the football jerseys A few days after I (F) graduated from high school (10+ years ago) I was helping my mom in her Family & Consumer Science Classroom. She was a teacher for 30+ years & through my whole childhood she was the teacher that was in her classroom until late at night because she had so much stuff to do all the time. That day the football coach appeared in her doorway to ask if she would fix the practice jerseys for the football team & bake him some cookies. Of course she said yes to fixing the jerseys (& laughed at the cookie request for the Nth time) then passed the task to me. Mr Coach was also the shop teacher so I had taken his classes. (This is back when "sewing was for girls" so we were treated terribly by the guys & the teacher let it happen even when we had to take the shop class) He would also ask me when my mom would make him cookies. And I mean ALL the time. I heard this request 100+ times. He would say it when I was in his class & my classmates would snicker. He would say this when he saw me in the hallway. It got SO old. He thought he was being funny all the time but I had just graduated & decided it was time for some payback. I had a big box of his football practice jerseys that were nothing but shredded chunks of mesh. I fixed them all. It took me more than a week. While I was at it I sewed all the head holes shut. Then I folded them nicely & staked them all in the box. I put the box on his desk. I asked my mom later if Mr Coach said anything about fixing the jerseys. She said no. Years later I asked her if he had ever asked her to fix his practice jerseys again. Also no! I finally confessed to my mom what I did & it was pretty obvious she had no idea. Thinking about it still makes me fell all warm & fuzzy inside. Edit: I'm not a bot/AI. I just finally joined reddit & don't know WTF I'm doing yet. This really did happen. I grew up in South Dakota & graduated from HS in the early 00s. I tried to post this story in petty revenge 1st but don't have enough commenting points yet.

Mrs. Evans, Keeper of the Dress Code This all happened about 20 years ago when I was in 7th grade (12-13 years old for those not in the US school systems). I remember this day vividly, as it was one of my most rebellious actions against authority I had done in my school years. My seventh grade science teacher was a curmudgeonly lady that we will call Mrs. Evans. Now, Mrs. Evans had no joys in her job of teaching preteens the foundations of science, but did enjoy sending students to the principal for minor infractions. An easy way of getting sent to the principal was through dress code violations. Throughout the entirety of the school year with her, I’d seen Mrs. Evans send no less than 75% of the class to principal’s office for dress code violation, with most being the girls in class wearing shirts that were “too revealing” because their shoulders were showing, with the others usually being something easily fixed like wearing a hat. I showed up to class in my standard outfit that I had been wearing up to that point in the school year, a t-shirt and jeans. However, being the outdoorsy kid I was, I had a slight tear on the knee of one of the pants legs. Mrs. Evans honed in on this slight tear, and instructed me that I would need to be wearing jeans without a tear in them for her to be able to teach her class without distraction, and to go to the principal if I was unable to do so. Being a smartass 13 year old, I decided to comply by going to my locker, getting my stapler out, and stapling the tear shut on my jeans. Upon return to class, this was not good enough for Mrs. Evans, Keeper of the Dress Code. She repeated her previous instruction, and said that if I returned without the torn jeans being replaced I was to go to the principal. Cue compliance #2: I went straight back to my locker, got a pair of scissors out, and cut off the entire leg of the jeans with the offending tear (much to my mother’s later dismay). Upon my re-return to class, Mrs. Evans was quite unhappy. The rest of the class was now properly distracted from her doing, much to her chagrin. But, Mrs. Evans was the Keeper of the Code for a reason one supposed. She cited a line in the school handbook stating “no frays on any clothing allowed”. This time, I was sent to the principal. I had never gotten in too much trouble in school, was in a lot of advanced placement courses, and played football and track for school, so my record was pretty clean. The principal was confused as to why I was sent, until I told him I’d just come from Mrs. Evans class, which told him enough after he saw one pant leg normal, with the other pant leg completely cut below the knee. He told me to please just wear my gym shorts and have this be the end of it. Cue compliance #3: I returned to class wearing my gym shorts for the day… wearing them over the offending jeans. Mrs. Evans, keeper of the code, decided this warranted a call to the principal from the class phone to report me and get me into further turmoil. However, I think the principal was just done with getting his time wasted that day. After Mrs. Evans got him on the phone and spoke her piece, there was a long silence while he assumably responded to her. She then hung up the phone, her face slightly flushed, and proceeded with the lesson. I never once got called out on any dress code violations by the Keeper of the Code for the remainder of my middle school years.

Took my blonde girlfriend to her first football game. I took my blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward, I asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big hard muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." I asked her: "What do you mean?" "Well, they flip a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like hello? It's only 25 cents!"

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question. The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy. The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion: The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone.

Court Ruling from the UK A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat. The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?" "How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim. Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?" Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team." Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled. The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her. The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..." Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

Smart Boy In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2. So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter”. To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..! So the boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!”. After the customer left, the manager said “You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?” To this the boy said, “I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!” The manager replied coldly, “My wife is also from Brazil “. To this the boy asked excitedly, “Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?”

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play... ...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game. After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies: "I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid. I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying "Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?" "Klose", replied the groggy husband. "And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?" "Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied. "Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?" "Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski" "And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?" "Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated. "Yesterday was my birthday."

Football with a blonde girlfriend A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One guy says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together. The Jew boasts about his fertility "I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!" "That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!" The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?" "I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back.

Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States. After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other in a store. "Hello old friend!" says the first man. "It's been so long! I have certainly become a true American since I last saw you. I have a wife, two kids, and a dog. I live in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs in a two story house, I drive a prius and I have a job working in an office and I watch football every Sunday with my buddies and we drink beer and have barbecues! How American have you become my friend?" The second man simply replied "Fucking towel head."

What's the point of Jewish football? To get the quarter back.

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire. it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy. it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...... .....They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!”

An old married couple is laying in bed when the husband fart. "Seven points," he says. His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs? Drool

A Christian, a Sikh, a Jew, an Atheist and a Muslim walk into a bar… They all order a pint, choose a table, and have a conversation about football. It’s just what happens when no-one behaves like an asshole.

A wife takes her husband to a Strip Club A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

Crossing the Border A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

A collection of lightbulb jokes How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -Just Juan How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -Just two but who knows how they got in there. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? -Change? How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -Oh, it's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it. How many blonds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -10,000. One to hold the lightbulb, the rest to rotate the house. How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -You can't tell, it's dark. (I know that one's kinda inappropriate) How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -Two. One to screw it in, and one to observe how it represents an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness. How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -The whole team! And they got a semester's credit for it!

A boy comes home after school one day A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?” “Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!” The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.” Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.” “That’s right, Dad.” “Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.” “That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

The Detroit Lions are having there worst football season ever They haven't been able to catch the ball or even score a single touchdown because they have an atrocious quarterback. One night, the Lions manager is watching the news when he sees footage of the Bosnian Civil war. While he is watching, he sees a rebel fighter run up to a government building and toss a football sized bomb perfectly into a 4th story window. "That's just the guy I need." says the manager, so he goes through multiple channels to find a way to contact this man. When he finally does, the man gladly moves himself to Detroit so that he can play for the Lions. Because of the new quarterback, the Lions have the best quarterback ever, winning game after game and eventually winning the Super Bowl with an amazing last second diving throw. After winning, the quarterback asks to use a team phone so that he can call his mother "Mom" he says "I just won the Super Bowl! "What is wrong with you?" his mother replies "do you think I care about your stupid football game?" "But mom..." "I don't care what you have to say! Your brother was stabbed at the market yesterday! your uncle almost died because of a crossfire from a gunfight! your sister was assaulted in broad daylight at the marketplace yesterday!" She angrily ranted "I'm sorry mom" The young man tried to say "NO APOLOGY IS GOOD ENOUGH! I don't care how many Super Bowls or games you win... I will never forgive you for moving us to Detroit!"

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting... The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Married Life An old married couple is laying in bed when the husband farted. "Seven points," he says. His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “it’s fart football.” A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score...” After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha! I'm ahead 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, “What in the world was that?” The old man says, “Half time, switch sides”

What's the objective of Jewish football? To get the quarterback.

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

Keeping marriage fun An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

An old married couple.... ...... no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'

A guy takes his girlfriend fishing with him out on the lake... "A guy takes his girlfriend fishing with him out on the lake. She talks too much and scares away the fish. He takes his girlfriend hunting with him out in the woods. She talks too much and scares away the deer. He takes his girlfriend quail hunting with him out in a field. She talks too much and scares away the quail. He takes his girlfriend camping with him out in the wilderness. She talks too much and he doesn't get any sleep. He takes his girlfriend golfing with him out on the golf course. She talks too much and ruins his swing. He takes his girlfriend to a movie with him out at the movie theater. She talks too much and he misses the entire plot of the movie. He takes his girlfriend with him to a football game out at the stadium. She talks too much and he misses the game winning touchdown pass. He takes his girlfriend to church with him at a cathedral. She talks to much and he gets scolded by the priest. He takes his girlfriend with him to Disneyland. She talks too much and he doesn't enjoy a single ride. He takes his girlfriend bowling with him out at a bowling alley. She talks too much and ruins-" "Dammit, Karen, would you shut the hell up? You're scaring away the fish!"

What's the aim of a Jewish football match? Getting the quarterback.

10 for 1 1. What do you call a well balanced horse? Stable 2. Where do polar bears keep there money? In a snowbank. 3. How do you make an egg roll? You push it. 4. Why do cow's wear bells? Because their horns don't work. 5. RIP, boiling water. You will be mist. 6. What's forest gump password? 1forest1. 7. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry. 8. Why don't you tell secrets in a corn field? Too many ears. 9. How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring. 10. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.

Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Old fart football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' ... A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

My wife just left me. She says my life revolves around football and she's sick of it. I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Football Today I discovered two things about the Actor Yul Bruner, 1)- He was a lifelong Liverpool Football Club Supporter. And 2)- He never wore Aftershave. That’s right Yul never wore cologne.

What's the point of Jewish football? Getting the quarter back.

An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags... An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags, and one of them has a hole with lots of money being dropped. A policeman notices it and lets her know. Then, he asks: "May I ask how you have that insanely big amount of money?" "Of course! It's a nice story!" The lady tells him her the story: "A few years ago, a football stadium was built next to my house. This is very annoying because when there's a match, lots of people are shouting at the streets, and also, when the match finishes, some of them come to pee at my garden! That's why I started to do something: when there's a match, I hide in a bush, waiting for someone to come and pee. When they are ready, I show up with my big secaturs and I tell them: if you want to keep you manly parts, you'll have to give me all the money you have!" The policeman then asks: "Oh, ok, and... what do you have in the other bag?" The old lady, with a big smile, says: "Well, not everyone had enough money!"

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

80,000 blondes meet at a football stadium for a "Blonds Are Not Stupid" convention The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!

Arab football player There was once a young, athletic arab man who lived in the middle east with his mother and sister whom he loved very much. The arab man and his family lived in a very dangerous part of his country that was always in turmoil. However, despite this, he was very fond of American football and played with his friends every day. Well, one day a NFL recruiter saw him playing while on a visit in his country and gave him a contract to play for the Detroit Lions. The man quickly agreed and began to play the next season. The Lions did outstanding with him on the team. After another win, the manager of the team handed the Arab man a phone and said it was his mother. The man quickly grabbed the phone and put it to his ear in anticipation. His mother spoke, "How could you!? Your sister gets raped almost everyday! Our home is riddled with bullet holes! We can't get clean water! We can't sleep with the constant sound of bullets being fired at night!" She pauses to collect herself. "I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR MOVING US TO DETROIT!"

Adam and Eve When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong. Adam - I'm lonely. God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing sex, will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football? Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me? God - An arm and a leg! Adam - What can I get for a rib?

Three buddies watching Sunday night football. An ant, a spider, and a centipede are watching Sunday night football together at the ants’ house. The ant notices their beer supply is running low, so being a good host he tells his buddies he is going to run to the beer store to get more. While the ant was heading out the centipede stops him and says “hey let me go and get the beer, I will be much faster than you, I have more legs, I’m built for speed” the ant thought this guy is too full of himself but lets him go get the beer anyways. It then started to rain, an hour & half passes, the spider and the ant got worried because the centipede has been gone far too long now. The spider tells the ant “ok I will go out and see if I can find him.” The spider puts on his shoes, grabs an umbrella and starts to head out. When the spider opens the door, surprisingly there is the centipede at the front door. “Hey man, what took you so long? Where’s the beer?” Centipede looks up and responds “huh! I haven’t even finished putting on all my shoes yet.”

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf. Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

I was at the football game the other day... It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them. "My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied. I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him. "My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come. The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".

The engineer and the mathematician A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them. She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me." "There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous." The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins. The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal. The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.

Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team? She ran away from the ball.

Setting the ground rules of a happy marriage After the wedding, the groom sits down his bride and goes, "I just need to tell you three things. Every Wednesday night, come sun, rain or snow, we play football with the lads. Ok?" "Yes", replied the bride. "Every Saturday night, me and the lads go out drinking. Regardless whether you like it or not, it's happening" "Ok", she said. "And finally, every Sunday we go fishing. Am I being clear?" "Yes", said the wife. "Splendid. Now, do you have any rules of your own I need to be aware of?" "Oh, just the one", she said. "Every night at 9 o'clock sharp, I have sex. Regardless whether my husband is home or not, I am having sex". lost in translation and typed on mobile phone disclaimer

100,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

What's the object of Jewish football? Get the quarter back.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Why is Cinderella so bad at football? A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach B. Because she keeps running away from the ball

Hahaha the football team A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

A small boy breaks the glass.. Moscow. Winter. Snowy. A small boy is playing football on the snow. Suddenly - the sound of broken glass. Severe Russian janitor runs out with a broom and starts chasing the boy. The boy is running and thinking “Why? Why all this? Why the image of a street-boy, why football, why all these stupid friends? What’s the point? I have already done my homework- why am I not home on the sofa reading my favorite Ernest Hemingway novel?”. Meanwhile in Havana. Ernest Hemingway is sitting in his cabinet trying to finish the new novel and thinking: “Why? Why all this? This Cuba, beaches, bananas, rum, heat and stupid people here. Why am I not in Paris with my best friend, a great French writer, Andre Maurois and two beautiful courtesans, drinking our morning aperitif and discussing meaning of life?” Meanwhile in Paris. Andre Maurois is in his bedroom in Paris with a beautiful courtesan, drinking his morning aperitif and thinking: “Why? Why all this? This Paris, arrogant French, dumb whores, this fucking Eifel tower. Why am I not in Moscow, where its cold and snowy, sitting on the kitchen with my best friend, a great Russian writer, Andrei Platonov drinking vodka and discussing the meaning of life”. Meanwhile in Moscow. Cold. Snowy. Andrei Platonov. Wearing earflaps. With a broom in his hands. Chasing the boy and thinking :”Just let me fucking catch you, you little bastard”.

Football joke How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn? Paint an endzone on it.

Joke from when I was 6 years old. There are 3 buddies who loved hanging out. Their names were Shut-Up, Manners, and Shit. One day they were all three playing football at the park. Then Shit fell over and broke his leg. Shut-Up then went to the nearest house and asked to use the phone. The woman,who Shut-Up was asking to use the phone, then asks Shut-Up what his name was Shut-Up said, "Shut-up" The woman then said, "Tell me your name young man" And Shut-Up said again, "Shut-Up!" The woman then asked, "where are your manners?" Shut up responded, "Over at the park picking up Shit!"

what's al qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.” “Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?” “You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”

A guy gets sent to prison... and is initially terrified when he meets his imposingly large cellmate. To his surprise, the man hops down from his bunk and politely introduces himself. "I'm sure your nervous," says the mountain of a man as he shakes his new friend's hand. "but don't be. This place really isn't that bad." "Alright" says the still frightened man. "In fact, do you like baseball?" his cellmate continues. "Sure." "Well, tell you what. Every Monday my old roomie and I, we used to play catch half the day. In fact, I've still got his glove. Here it's yours." "Wow, thank you." says the new inmate. "Do you like football?" asks his cellmate. "Yeah!" he replies excited. "Well, every Tuesday my old roomie and I, we would toss the football around half the day." "That sounds great!" says the new inmate, very excited now. "That's not the half of it" his cellmate continues, "are you gay or straight?" "Straight! Definitely straight." comes his immediate reply. "Hmmm," the enormous man thinks for a second, "you're probably not going to like Wednesdays very much."

Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness. "You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd. Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.

The Difference Between Boys and Girls Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

An old married couple were laying in bed one night... An old married couple were in bed one night, about to go to sleep. All of a sudden the old man passes gas, loudly. The wife, annoyed, says "what on earth was that?!" The old man thinks for a second, then says "Fart Football. 7-nothing!" The wife grumbles and they both go back to falling asleep. A short time later, the wife lets out a loud fart, followed but a tiny "poof" right after. The husband is amused, "well what was that?!" "Touchdown with a two-point conversion! 7-8!" Then, just a few minutes later, the wife lets another yet another small "poof". The old man asked "now what was THAT?!" "Field goal!" The old man, not to be bested at his own game, tries to work out the loudest, most offensive fart he can muster. He's pushing, and pushing... When all of a sudden... He shits his pants. The wife bolted straight up in bed. "WHAT WAS THAT?!?" The old man replied, "Half time! Switch sides!"

Dear redditors,... ...one friend of mine bought a ticket to the European Cup of Football, in 10th of July, without realizing that it's going to be on the exact same date as his wedding. If anyone is interested to go in his place... ... the wedding is in Lisbon Cathedral and the wife is called Marie. The drinks and the food were already paid, so you just have to appear and say "Yes, I do"!

A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a Mormon are having dinner together... ...and they are bragging about their families. "My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team." "Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team." "That's nothing" says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

I was watching the Super Bowl with some friends... and my fiancee's friend, who isn't very keen on sports, is commenting on the shoe polish streaks under their eyes. She says "I just don't get it, what do those black things even do?" I reply, "Well, play football, mostly."

An Italian man and his wife had three children... The two oldest were playing football while the other slept indoors. The man said, "My love, are you sure Ricky is my son? His brothers are athletic but him...not so much." "Yes, my love." A decade later the oldest brothers graduated college, one becoming an engineer and the other a doctor. Ricky had dropped out and took a job at a fast food place. "My love, are you sure Ricardo is mine? His brothers are successful but him...not so much." "Yes my love, he is yours." Decades later, the wife was on her deathbed and said to her husband, "Benito, my love, I have a confession to make," "Is it about Ricky? Is he not mine?" He asked firmly. "He is, my love, the other two...not so much."

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.

A few somewhat racist jokes... * What do Nike and kkk have in common? They both make niggers run fast. * Why do Jews like watching porno's backwards? They like the part where the Hooker gives back the money. * Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart? He heard Boys pants where half off. * What do u call a little Mexican? A Paragraph because he's not quite an Essay yet. * How do you BlindFold a chink? Dental Floss. * Whats the Objective of Jewish Football? To get the quarter back. * Did you hear about the new Black Barbie? It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check. (Father sold separately or not at all.) * What is the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian? A pair of jeans only has one fly on it. * Did you hear about the jewish child molestor? He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little boy, wanna buy some candy?" * Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? He thought it was a delivery service. * A man goes into a shop and sees 3 jars on a table. The first jar says Caucasian Brains, $5.00 a pint. The second says Asian Brains, $10.00 a pint, and the third says Nigger Brains, $100.00 a pint. Hey, why are these nigger brains $100 bucks a pint? asked the man. The shop owner replied, You know how many niggers you have to kill to get a whole pint of brains?

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hyped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

One member of a fantasy football league says to another member, "So... how about we make this interesting?" "Good idea!" says the second guy. So they quit.

how many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but they'll give 'em four credits for it.

A man is at a sellout football game with an empty seat beside him... A man is at a sellout football game with an empty seat beside him. The guy behind him notices that the seat is empty and asks him why. "My wife recently passed away. We have season passes and she never missed a game" the man said. "I'm very sorry to hear that" replied the man behind him. "Couldn't you have invited one of your friends to come with you to fill the seat?" "Oh no!" The man replied. "They're all at the funeral".

[NSFW] "What was your first time like?" Three friends are chilling in a bar, drinking and talking. One of them asks "What was your first time like?" The first guy says "My first time was like riding a roller coaster. It started slow, then got really intense and fun, but it ended too quickly." The second guy says "My first time was like watching a football game. I was having a blast, but she was so bored she was on her phone the entire time." They both turn to look at the last guy, who sits quietly, thinking, until he finally speaks. "My first time was like learning to ride a bicycle, with my dad holding my shoulders."

The strongman at the fair picked up a giant grapefruit in his giant hand, then squeezed. The grapefruit was bone dry. The fair barker then began shouting, "If any man can squeeze another drop out of this grapefruit they will win $500!". Now, there were some big gents in the audience and they all decided to try their luck. First came a group of American football players. They all tried and failed. Then came a bunch of burly construction workers. They tried and failed too. Two professional wrestlers suffered the same fate. The barker was about to quit when all of a sudden a skinny gentleman with glasses stepped forward and said, "I'd like to try." The barker and strongman both began to laugh. The crowd also joined in on the laughter, but the skinny man went up to the grapefruit, grabbed it, and squeezed out half a glass of grapefruit juice. The audience, strongman,m and barker were stunned silent. The barker then asked the man, "How can a wimp like you squeeze like that?!" "Simple, the man replied. "I work for the IRS!"

The old lady's two plastic bags.. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

How do you tell if someone is jewish at a football game? They leave after the coin toss

Patient: Doctor every night i see ants playing football Doctor: It's okay take these pills Patient: No way tomorrow is the final

The England Football team..... visited a Brazilian orphanage this morning. 'It's heartbreak to see their sad little faces with no hope' said Jose, age 6.

An older man is feeling a bit under the weather and goes to see the doctor. His wife comes along, and after a full physical and a battery of tests, the doctor meets the two of them in his office. He makes small talk, tells the man he is fine, and then asks to speak with the wife privately. After the man leaves, the doctor turns to the wife and says, "Your husband is gravely ill. He may make it, but in order to get there, you've got to treat him well, spoil him, give him whatever he wants to eat, let him play golf whenever he wants, let him watch all the football he wants, make sure he doesn't have any stress at all, and most importantly, give him sex whenever he wants it." The couple leaves, and as they are driving away, the man turns to his wife and says eagerly "Well, *what did he say?*" After a long pause the wife looks at him and says, "You're gonna die."

A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome ...and call it Touch Downs.

What is the KKK's favourite football (soccer) club? Blackburn

Two guys were working at a sawmill... Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing." Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!" Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Olympics Ticket To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage. If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.

A Brazilian and Argentinian find a lamp after a football (soccer) match... On their way back from a very tight football match, two fans, one Brazilian and one Argentinian bump into each other and see a lamp at their feet. Assuming there is a genie inside, they begin arguing who gets to rub the lamp first. The Brazilian concedes and allows the Argentinian to go first, stating "Well, we won the football match, so I'll let you have this one." The extremely annoyed Argentinian rubs the lamp and a genie appears and says he will give him 1 wish. The Argentinian says "I want you to teleport all Argentinians in the world back to Argentina and build a wall around it that won't allow anything in or out; I can't stand these Brazilians anymore. " With that, the genie nods and builds a wall around Argentina and the man is teleported back to Argentina. The Brazilian then asks the genie, "So there's a wall around Argentina, with all the Argentinians inside and nothing can go in or out?" The genie nods yes. The man replies "Fill it with water."