100+ Food Jokes

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it. There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art." Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was... At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island... He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this... One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say... She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him... "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok..." "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited... She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

Handjobs [nsfw] A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out." "Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe." "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty." "Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp. "TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds." "Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!" A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" "Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin." The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... ... and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name i

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes! For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it. There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.' 'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?' 'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .' 'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.' So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .' The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.' Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .'

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched. So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

The first female president The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Edit: Dates (the attention to detail in the comments is amazing. Sarah Goldstein would hire you all). Edit II: 2028 -> 2029. Edit III: Glad to see most of you liked the joke! Shoutout to Heather for being my fellow old jewish mother through thick and thin, and shoutout to my awesome girlfriend on her birthday! Miss you boo :-*

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

@marleyfromcle "My husband is white and I'm black. I love being in an interracial relationship because I teach him about soul food and why Black Lives Matter; and he teaches me about filing taxes and showing up to places on time."

No drinks at your desk. Fine, but don’t expect me to answer the phones Used to work reception at a small insurance office in the UK. Policy was no food or drink at the front desk, fair enough. But one summer, we had a heatwave and no air con. I brought a water bottle and discreetly kept it behind the monitor. One day, the manager spots it and tells me, Absolutely no drinks at the desk. Doesn’t matter if it’s hot, rules are rules. I asked, Even water? And she said yes. So the next day, I don’t bring any. By 2pm, I’m dizzy and dehydrated. I walk away from the desk and sit in the break room to drink water. Manager comes in and ask why I'm not at the desk. I reminded her that she said no drinks at the desk. I needed water, so I had to leave. Phones start ringing off the hook and clients are standing around waiting. I was told to use common sense after that and my water bottle stayed.

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts. I said "hey look, an escaPEA" No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so! Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old) Air-vrything. I'm so proud.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer The bartender says we don't serve food here

All items on floor are trash? Have fun rooting through the dumpster! I'm a custodian for an office building. I clean bathrooms, take out trash, vacuum, etc. I clean in the morning before the office opens. When collecting trash, I'd occasionally find some loose papers under/behind desks, beside the trashcan, or otherwise on the floor. Since I'm not sure if these papers are trash that missed the can or important documents that fell on the floor by accident, I pick them up and put them on the corner of the nearest desk for the workers to either file them away or toss them. Better safe than sorry. However, the manager did not like this habit. She came in early one morning, expressing disgust that "trash is being placed on people's desks." (obviously I never put actual trash like food wrappers or crumpled papers on desks). I explained my reasoning for my habit and expressed that I didn't want to risk tossing something important. My manager told me that everything on the floor is trash and the workers aren't such immature slobs to drop important documents on the floor. I agreed and said I'd never do it again. Flash forward several weeks. My manager came in early again and expressed concerns because a filing cabinet had tipped over the day and despite picking up the papers, they were still missing a few important documents. She asked if I'd seen them. I reminded her that since "everything on the floor is trash", the documents were probably thrown away. She was irate, saying "but this was an exception since a filing cabinet fell over." I asked her how I was supposed to know that when I'm not there during the day and was otherwise not informed to look out for these documents. That's when the situation dawned in this woman's eyes that she was her fault. She stumbled through some excuses before demanding I go to the dumpster and find the papers. I told her that the office was opening in fifteen minutes and I still had work to do. She stormed off and said she'd start looking in the dumpster. While I cleaned, I knew I'd face her again before leaving (my car is parked by the dumpster), so I thought of what to say to her as the final nail in the coffin. Sure enough, when I finished my work and walked out, the manager and a few other wokers who'd arrived were rooting through the dumpster. When the manager spotted me, she demanded I come help. I delivered my prepared line: "ma'am, my job description is to take out trash. Your job description is to ensure the safety and confidentiality of your clients' files." I walked away to (in my head) a cartoon-esk villain scream of outraged failure from my manager. A few hours later and I got a text saying there will now be a special inbox shelf for me to place any papers found the floor for the workers to go through.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:    "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So how are you getting there?” "We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”   “Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”  "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's  Tiber River called Teste.”   "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”  "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”  "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”  A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”  "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”   "Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”   "Oh, really!  What'd he say?”    He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

Food is like dark humor not every one gets it.

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW] I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

Angry boss refuses expense claim and tells me to read the policy for guidance. England, 2015. I was sent on a week long mandatory training course through work. I already knew the subject backwards but my boss wanted me to get the certificate to prove to upper management that his team was 100% certificated. I was told that a train ticket would be booked, as would a hotel - Bed and Breakfast only. I'd have to pay for lunch and evening meals but I would be able to claim up to £5 per day for lunch and £11.72 per day for evening meals. It was a really strange value, but I could eat easily within that limit. On the last night at the hotel, my food bill was £11.75 - 3 pence more than allowed, however seeing as on the other nights I'd barely spent £10, I chanced that I could talk the finance people into approving it as the total spend would still be less than allowed for the week. The monday I returned, I completed the expense form with the receipts and handed it to my boss for approval. An hour later, I was summonned to his office. He flatly refused to sign off on the expenses as I had overspent. When I tried to explain that it was by three pence, and that on the Monday night I had actually underspent by £2.50, I was lectured as to the reason that the limits were there, and to "read the policy". He sent me back to my desk and told me to resubmit. Cue malicious compliance. I read the policy regarding expenses, then I read the staff handbook, and then my contract. As it turned out, I could claim for the following: * Reasonable costs for calling my family in the evening - no receipt required. * £5 per night for being away from my family - no receipt needed. * One off £30 for being more than 3 hours travel - offered as an incentive. * Regardless of time spent on course, It was equivalent to 40 hours - my standard was 37. * Travel to and from the venue was classed as being in work. That was overtime as it was out of hours and double for the sunday. * Friday, as I was late home, was considered an overnight stay. I resubmitted, making the adjustments and highlighting the sections of the policies. Where I had expected around £75 in expenses, with the extras in the policies I claimed for an extra £100, then filled in the timesheet for the travel overtime which granted me an additional £150 or so. The boss called me back into the office and tried to tell me that he wouldn't sign off on it, but I referred him to the policies and simply told him that if he refused, I'd go above him and maybe submit a formal complaint about him. I did take great satisfaction in reminding him that if he hadn't have told me to "read the policies", then I'd have never found about all the extras. Yes, I did inform every one of my work friends. Yes, I did get all the claimed funds in my next paycheck. tl,dr; Boss refuses expenses over £0.03, I resubmit costing them more money

My brother in law told me to stop asking where everything goes in his house and "just use common sense" My sister and her husband bought a house last fall, and ever since then visiting them has felt like walking into a very nice Airbnb run by one irritated man. He has a rule for everything, but only after you break it. Shoes by the bench, except not that side of the bench because that side is for the dog leash. Mugs in the blue cabinet, except not the front half because those are "for guests." Dish towels on the oven handle, except one of them is decorative, somehow. Last weekend I was there helping my sister paint the spare room, and by noon I had already been corrected four times for putting things in the "wrong" place. When I asked where he wanted the paint tray washed, he sighed and said, "You don't need a guided tour every ten minutes. Just use common sense and act like you live here." So I said okay. I really did say it nicely, because at that point I was getting annoyed too. So I acted like I lived there. I rinsed the tray in the big utility sink, used the roll of paper towel under it, put the dog food scoop back in the bin with the food, and stacked the dried dishes in the cabniet that was literally next to the sink. About twenty minutes later he came downstairs looking like his soul had left his body. The paper towels were apparently for garage spills only. The scoop "cannot" touch the food because of germs, even though it lives in the food bin. And the cabinet I used was not for plates, it was for "serving pieces." My sister started laughing so hard she had to sit on the stairs. He said I was being smart with him, and I told him no, I was using common sense and acting like I lived there. Now there are labels inside half the kitchen, which honestly seems definitley easier for everybody.

So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner... ..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food! So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?" *What?* "I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?" *I don't understand* "Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

“If you don’t want to be here then leave, because I don’t need you” The shift lead who said it, Adriana 20-something, tried to get me fired after dismissing me from my shift. I got the job at 16 because I was dating one of the other shift leads, already off to a terrible start I know. My boyfriend was one of those characters that people either loved or hated. mostly hated if you come from a loving home, because he was admittedly a terrible person. And Adriana especially hated him. I’m sure she had her reasons. One Saturday morning I showed up to work to find Adriana yammering about my bf calling out that day. He didn’t tell me he was calling out, and since Adriana was visibly upset already about his absence, I texted him to ask “what’s up? Why did you call out? Adriana is really mad about being short staffed on a Saturday and now she’s going to be yelling at me about it all shift. “ My boyfriend was a *real* shit stirrer and I was somehow incredibly fucking oblivious to this at the time. I texted him mostly to vent, but of course he used this as an excuse to start an argument with Adriana. He texts her something accusing her of “talking shit”, which for the record I DID NOT say she was doing, and I can hear from the kitchen she immediately started yelling into oblivion about how if I have something to say I should say it to her face. And how I’m a “stupid fucking dumb bitch” “literally so fucking stupid” “this bitch is the dumbest girl I’ve ever met why are you even with him” So valid queen, I was a little dense back then I guess Amidst her tirade about how stupid she thinks I am, she comes into the office, where I’m eating my pre-shift breakfast of boston market macaroni in total silence. This whole time I was just dissociating into my mac, because what the ever loving fuck else would I do? No only did I come from a home where yelling often lead to me dodging flying lamps and drawers, but I was genuinely scared she’d have her cousin jump me if I pissed her off, well before this even happened. So she’s standing there, I’m eating, kinda smiling out of discomfort, just watching her tear into me even more about my intelligence. Why? Because *my boyfriend called out of work*. It was honestly *so* bizarre, had escalated *so* quickly, and I was *so* dissociated, life kinda felt like it was moving in slow motion in that moment. She eventually says the magic line that snapped me out of my dissociation and freed me from my wage slave chains that lovely Saturday morning. “if you don’t want to be here then leave, because I don’t need you”. Now again. This is Saturday morning. At a Pizza Hut. That is already short staffed. I knew for a fact that she was bullshitting not needing me. But I also knew that she said it right in front of the office cameras. So I’m thinking, that sounded like approval to leave early didn’t it? Especially after being fucking berated for 15 minutes straight, AS SOON AS I WALKED IN THE DOOR, for something I DIDNT EVEN DO. She later tried to get me fired for walking out on my shift, and the first thing I did was tell the general manager to check the cameras. I should’ve just let them fire me honestly. Adriana, if you’re out there, I live every day thanking god that I didn’t have to experience a phase of life that included screaming at 16 year old girls first thing in the morning at my big fancy *Pizza Hut shift lead job*. I heard you also got fired for assaulting a customer. It’s okay, I understand that being a shift lead at Pizza Hut is a very high stakes environment to be working in. No really, you don’t look insane at all screaming your head off inside a fast food joint on a near daily basis. Completely sane and *very* intelligent behavior right there.

I got my manager yelled at by a customer over his dumb rules Obligatory first-time poster and all that. To understand what happened, you first need to understand two people: Susan and Jack. See, I used to work part-time at a burger joint that has a drive-through, and I was often the one at the window. Susan was a regular customer, and everyone there had an opinion about her. She's very particular, and has a tendency to snap at you if you don't do it right the first time without being asked. I was her favorite employee, though, because I would always take the time to chat with her if we weren't busy. She was actually quite pleasant once you got to know her, just a bit prickly. Now, for Jack. He was the new GM, brought in to "fix the restaurant". Now, I don't think there was anything that needed fixing, but the owner disagreed. He was originally meant to be the assistant GM, but then the owner fired our old GM, and Jack was put in charge. He was a piece of work, the kind of manager you don't want to have. My favorite Jack Moment was when he pulled all the staff on shift into the back while we were still open to lecture us on not smiling enough. You know the type of manager. On to the story. Now, one thing we had to do in the drive-through is put a numbered sticker on the car's side mirror. This sticker was used by the runners who took food out to identify the car, so it's very important. Susan, however, didn't like having the sticker on her mirror. She was convinced she would get in an accident if the mirror was covered even a little, and always insisted on having it put on the car door instead. This wasn't out of the ordinary, we put stickers on doors all the time when we couldn't reach the mirror. However, Jack decided he wasn't having it, and made a new rule that we could only put stickers on mirrors. I figured, okay, but if the customer asks for it, it should still be fine, right? Wrong. I got chewed out for putting the sticker on Susan's car door. I tried to explain to Jack why I did it, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually, he just huffed at me and said, "Look. You need to put the stickers on the mirror, not the door. No exceptions." Well, fine then. Cue malicious compliance. The next time Susan came in, I put the sticker on her mirror, as ordered. She was confused, as I always put it on her door without being asked, and snapped, "What are you doing? Don't put it there, I'll get into an accident." I explained to her the new rule, and that my hands were tied. I didn't want to get in trouble, after all. Then, I told her that it was Jack's rule. I didn't get to witness the next part directly, unfortunately. However, I heard about it second-hand from my coworkers. Apparently, when one of the runners brought her food out, she stopped them and asked them to grab Jack. She then proceeded to give Jack the ass-chewing of a lifetime about his dumb rule. One particular quote that was relayed to me was "What point is there to force them to put it there? They can see it just fine on the door!" My thoughts exactly, Susan. Anyway, the rule was later amended that customers could request for the sticker to be placed on their door. Sorry it wasn't as dramatic as most posts on here, but I wanted to share my bit of compliance.

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food? SEIZURE SALAD. I peed

"I need an answer RIGHT NOW" This might not be the biggest story in this sub but I still reminisce fondly of it. So a couple of years ago I took over a restaurant in the centre of the capital city of our country with a couple of friends. We are 3 associates and one chef cook. This restaurant was mainly a tourist trap for the past decennia and was also known to cater to big groups from either companies (business dinners) and tourist agencies where they would just serve some decent slop in an historical setting for a fixed menu price. Our concept was to bring this establishment back to the locals, the neighbourhood and lovers of traditional food and drinks. So we tried a soft opening and limit ourselves to 30 customers per evening but the previous owner hadn't even communicated towards his customers that the restaurant would be taken over nor had he closed the online reservation system (to which we didn't have any access) so we got constantly flooded with requests for big groups (between 20 to even 50 persons) and here our story begins. As we just started we tried to please most people and cater to what was possible. One day I got a phonecall off some white collar already quite condescending on the telephone as I probably am just a lowly server on the phone, with a request to come with over 20 persons in two days time. I told him politely over the phone that I couldn't make the decision to take this reservation on my own but that he could send us an email with the request and we'd talk it over with the chef cook and my associates to see if we could cater them. He didn't like this one bit and told me he couldn't wait that long for an answer. I immediately assumed he probably forgot to make a reservation for such a big group on time and that he failed his responsibility but now tries to push it off on me. Like I always say "Sounds like a you problem, not a me problem" but instead I ensured him he would get an answer on his email on the day itself. "No, this is not acceptable, I need an answer RIGHT NOW!" My patience was running out with this unrespectful fat neck so I politely answered: "So to my understanding you need an answer immediately?" -"Yes!" (With a clear sound of superiority and thinking he had won) "Okay sir, if you need an answer immediately it will be very simple. That answer will be no." Sounds of crickets for a couple of seconds -"So to what email address can I send the request?" We got his request by email and he got an answer within 2 minutes. "We're sorry but we can't accept your request to cater your group. Kind regards, name restaurant"

I watched in dismay at her malnourished body as she struggled with her chains while ignoring the food I provided her I found her cold dead corpse the next morning and hoped the next dog we got would embrace our vegan lifestyle

No overtime, no problem I work maintenance for a fast food restaurant and when I started working maintenance I had a verbal agreement with the general manager that she would retroactively approve all my overtime because we were only allowed to have 2 maintenance people and 1 of them was the owners son who didn’t do his job and we couldn’t fire him. Things were fine the entire time she worked there and our store often scored the best of all the owners stores during inspections. Eventually that GM quit and on day 1 her replacement told me she would no longer approve my overtime. I had her send that to me in writing and from then on as soon as I hit 40 hours I would stop showing up for the week and turn off the work phone which often happened 3-4 days into the week. Now our store was opened 70 years ago so things break often. The first week the walk in broke but I was already at 40 hours so I didn’t know until 3 days later so we had to waste all our frozen product, and the next week the fryers stopped heating so we couldn’t make most of the stuff on our menu. Then we had a surprise health inspection and the store got red tagged. That was the final straw owner was going to fire me but after he talked to the old gm and I showed him the email from the new gm he fired her and my original agreement with the old gm is now part of the terms of my employment

Doesn't Add Up? Make It Add Up? Well, Okay Then... This happened many, many years ago when I was a systems administrator for a now defunct company. I was to go to training and I ended up going to Canada to train on some then-new systems. No biggie. I kept my receipts and ended up overspending a bit because, well, I got to see the sights and got to have some tasty food. When I got back, I submitted my expense report. I wrote down the numbers and factored in the current exchange rate (Canadian dollars to US Dollars) and figured that was that. I mean, being honest, right? Well, OMG, my boss's boss went to my boss and complained that I couldn't even add anything up! You see, the amount I was showing they owed me was LESS than what the receipts showed. (Canadian dollars were maybe worth 65 cents of American dollars.) So, it got rejected and my boss's boss said make them match. I looked at my boss and said, "You know, that's Canadian, right?" My boss just shrugged and said, "Make him happy and make the numbers add up." Well, okay then. I added the Canadian dollars up and didn't factor in the exchange rate. So, instead of requesting a reimbursement of (for example--not the actual numbers) $650 USD, I put down $1000 (CAD). They cheerily paid it. 🤦‍♀️ Only me and my boss knew, but it was so much more trouble trying to do the RIGHT thing. No one ever tried to correct it. On the plus side, it pretty much paid for the extras on the trip. ETA: Well, this blew up, didn't it? Kind of surprised me since it was such a ridiculous story. Thanks for your comments! For those of you who are bashing Americans: I'm an American. Not *all* of us are fucking idiots, but the ones who are seem to be Dunning-Krueger candidates. And they have big mouths and stupid attitudes. To paraphrase The Sixth Sense: *I see stupid people. They're everywhere. They walk around and don't know they are stupid.* Let's try not to let politics rule. It's a sad state of affairs when many US citizens are so clueless.

Eyestalk ablation is a common seafood industry practice where female shrimps’ eyes are removed to make them breed faster. When our government was overtaken by violent religious autocracy, it became a common maternity ward practice too.

2 Christians are lost in the Arabian desert The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse. On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one decides to tell them he's Muslim. They arrive and the first man says he's Christian and asks for help. The Muslims are very friendly and tell him they have plenty of food and water for him. The second one tells them he's Muslim. The reply: "Salaam, brother! Happy Ramadan!"

I was so upset and angry when the office food theif took the mushroom stroganoff my wife made from scratch for my lunch It was nothing compared to what I felt when Amy from HR was being declared dead at scene by paramedics after she ate it

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke. There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I'm muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So Adam and Jack went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. Adam thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammed'. And Jack said 'My name is Jack'. The Arab man said 'Hello Jack.' And told these other men to take Jack and give him food and drink. Then he turned to Adam and said, 'Salaam Muhammed. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadhan)

If you don’t like the way I eat, I simply won’t My parents are very weird people. A lot of very small, random things set them off, and they will seethe about them for hours, call me names, threaten to take away things from me, threaten to kick me out, etc. They also don’t believe in most mental health issues/diagnoses. Either I get a therapist and magically get better or it’s a waste of money. Meds or anything else? Out of the question. One of their biggest pet peeves is how I eat. I call myself a “grazer” (ex I like to have small light meals throughout the day). Heavy meals, or meals rich in dairy, acidity, or fats make me feel very nauseous, as well as eating too fast. I’m also never really “hungry” or ravenous, sometimes I just feel a bit dizzy so I eat to feel better. This leads to me, when going out for dinner or taking portions of homemade meals, to either take home leftovers, or packing up my portions for the next day. I’d like to clear the air; I don’t waste my food. It always gets eaten, just on my terms and within a reasonable time of a day or so. My friends and relatives do not see an issue with this; my mother and step-father, my step-father especially, do. Two weeks ago, he screamed at me because I didn’t finish my food and took it home for next days lunch, which I did eat at work. He was raging about how it “wasn’t how you were supposed to eat food”, that even though I always ate my leftovers I was “wasting his money because the food wasn’t fresh when I ate it” and “he hates having to buy me food” and told me “stop asking for food when we go out, he won’t pay for it anymore”. He also called me several flavorful names, while my spineless mom just sat there. My poor baby brother found me that night and apologized on THEIR BEHALF, saying “he didn’t know why they’re like this, so rude to you”. Game on then. Since that night, whenever my family and I go out to eat, I don’t get a single thing. If i bring my wallet, I make it a point to order by myself and order a small meal. At home, I take very little portions. No more leftovers. At first my dad refused to say anything, but now him and my mom are both throwing around “anorexia” and “EDs”. I’m 5’4 130lbs with a BF% of 24%. Perfectly healthy, even by my primary doctors standards. They’re furious now, saying I’m making them look abusive when we go out and that I’m being “an immature B”. I just point out that I’m just doing what they asked; which usually gets them to leave it alone. I have my own car, and as I mentioned before, my own job that thankfully pays well. I am not starving by any means :), just making a point to take none of the food they offer now, outside or homemade.

Absentee boss wants me to increase the daily order against my suggestion? You got it. I used to work at an upscale-ish cafe. I was a supervisor and in charge of the bakery section (there was also a kitchen and a coffee bar). Now Mother's Day was our biggest day of the year by a huge margin. Like it would be close to triple our daily sales for a regular Sunday. Most mid-grade holidays would also be busy. And after every big holiday sales day, the sales the next day would be around 50-60% of normal, so I would order about two thirds of my regular order for that Monday. Now our owner was somewhat absentee from our store. She owned five locations, four of which were in the same city. Ours was the outlier, in a smaller location about two hours away. She spent almost all of her time at the four locations and maybe visited us once a month. This month, she just happened to come on the day after Mother's Day. I can add that of all the employees, only the assistant manager liked the owner. Even the manager couldn't stand her. She saw that my bakery case was somewhat low and asked why. I explained that the day after holidays was always slower and I ordered less because I didn't want to waste money. She told me never to do that again. She in fact told me to double my normal order. Now I had been in this job for four years by this point and I knew that bakery section inside and out. Also at this point, only the manager and one of the cooks had been there longer than me. Even the manager told me that things were always better when I was there. I always stayed late to cover call-ins, often came in on my day off if they needed me. I even once drove a catering delivery 90 minutes each way to satisfy a loyal customer. I told the owner that today was a special circumstance and that doubling the order would lead to a lot of food waste and recommended that we not do it. With my regular daily orders, we usually ran out only near the end of the day, barring unforeseen circumstances (like someone coming in and doing a big pastry order without notice). This was from a lot of trial and error over the years and I changed my order up whenever things looked like they were changing. But she insisted, even after the manager also told her that our regular order was fine. I tried again to tell and she just told me to do it. My manager also said it by that point. So I did it. I doubled my regular order. After about two weeks, she emailed me and asked why we were throwing out so many pastries every day. I told her that she told me to double my order. At that point, my boss says, she wanted to fire me. My boss convinced her that she needed me to help run the store (which she probably did). So I wasn't fired, but I lost my position as bakery lead. I was still a supervisor who mostly worked the bakery section, but I no longer ordered product. Still the same wage, but I was switched from mostly mornings to mostly nights. While I did miss my morning regulars, I also enjoyed making the same money for less responsibility. About six months later, the manager quit to go back to school and the place went downhill fast. As I said, everyone working there hated the owner (except the asst. manager, who had quit about a month before this for a new job). As soon as this happened, I started looking for a new job even though I hated changing jobs. So did a number of others. Everyone was loyal to the manager, nobody to the owner. I took a supervisor job at a nearby restaurant and never looked back. I'm told by some coworkers who are still there that it became difficult to get through the day without me and the manager there and we lost lots of sales for over a year before they started picking up again.

You want bread? Okay, no one eats dinner then. I (23M) have worked for a certain colored crustacean for a year and a half now. I bounced around between positions until they stuck me as a backup, which for context, means I finish the Par list and make more of anything we run out of. It also makes you the baker. Now this specific chain was well known for their biscuits. Like I’d say most people just go there for them and not the actual food. So it’s pretty common to hear a server yell “down bread” on a half hour schedule. Usually I can keep up with the demand and my par list. But one day our morning prep person dipped and I couldn’t come in early due to something personal. So when I got there it was a mess. No bread, no prepped food, just chaos. I get things under control until the rush comes in, by that point I’m swamped and I can’t keep up with bread because the line needs food constantly made. I was in fact asking for assistance and wasn’t given any. I got so behind on bread that our MOD comes to the back and tells me “whatever you’re doing for the line stop. Make the biscuits and nothing else for the rest of the night.” Cue malicious compliance. I tell our line that I can’t help them anymore and that they’re on their own. I begin cranking out biscuits like a machine while the line struggles to keep up with the orders. It gets so bad that the same managers comes back and asks why we have 40+ minute tickets and no food has gone out. They calmly tell him it’s because they have me making bread and not getting them the materials they need. The manager asks me why I’m not doing my job and I explain that I’m only following his orders and only focusing on bread. I think we had like 6 tables leave because their food was taking over an hour to get to them. Food went out cold, made incorrectly, missing components, the works. All because they made me focus on making the biscuits. I got called into our GM’s office the next day to explain what happened and why our sales were so bad. I happily explained what the manager told me and walked out Scott free. About a month later all Backups have a baker and if a morning prep person cannot come in the managers are responsible until the backup can arrive.

What is a temporary teacher’s favorite fast food restaurant *Sub*way

You’re going to save money by making it harder to file expense reports? Game on! First time posting a story here so hopefully I don’t break any rules. At my previous employer, I had to attend a lot of meetings around town and also go to a few events out-of-county. When I started, they had a pretty flexible policy where you could accept a monthly allowance of about $40 to cover your mileage, or, if you were taking a lot of trips, you could submit expense reports and get the standard IRS allowable mileage reimbursement. I hate expense reports, so most of the time just took the $40 and called it even, despite the possibility that I might have made a few extra dollars by doing the longer expense report. New HR manager is hired and she decided it would save a bunch of money if we cut out the monthly allowance for the sales team and made us file for expenses for every trip. Again, since I hate expense reports, I usually just ate the cost and only filed for trips where I would receive $20 or more. New HR lady notices that a lot of us are just donating the value of trips under $20-ish, so she figures maybe we‘ ll start donating more if the expense report becomes more arduous. Her brilliant idea: require extra documentation, like printing a google maps for each trip, and adding extra details to each report. Mind you, this means she needed to hire an extra clerk to manage all this extra paperwork. But then she thought she’d be even more clever and start rejecting our reports if we didn’t print a map for getting to the destination and a separate one for the return trip. Wow—ok, game on! I started using a very old map website, like Mapquest, and I would create one for every trip, even the 3-mile round trip to one of our other offices just up the road. I saved a file for each of the regular visits so I could just pull them up and print one out. But even better—I didn’t just print the page with the map but the five or six pages (each way) that were filled with advertisements for gas stations, fast food, hotels, etc. By using these, I could submit a report for $3 reimbursement in seconds, but it meant printing about 10-15 pages each time. And yes, they ended up averaging more like $60 a month in reimbursement to me after that. And they added another part-timer to help sort and file all the paperwork. I’d like to say I outlived this idiot at the company, but sad to say she’s still there, and still costing them tons of money in wasted time and resources, meanwhile killing the culture and any morale we ever created. But at least I made her life miserable. My parting gift was to share my Mapquest files with everyone on the sales team so they could bury her in paperwork.

A man is at a bar, chatting with the bartender, when the topic of sex comes up. This guy, drunk off his ass on Blue Moon beer, accidentally confesses that he is a pervert who likes to cum in other people's food without them knowing. He says he does it all the time. The bartender must've heard worse because he seems absolutely unfazed, continuing to chat with the man as if he'd been talking about the weather. Pretty soon, the man stands and says he's going to the bathroom, and will be right back. He's gone for a couple of minutes and when he returns, he takes a nice, deep swig of his beer. Now, absolutely wasted, he asks the bartender, "So, do you ever jizz in anyone's food?" And the bartender shrugs and says, "Oh, maybe once in a Blue Moon."

The Turing Test is a simple experiment to gauge whether an AI is sentient by seeing if it can trick a human into believing it's a real person And if I pass, then will you give me food?

"Check down, not up." I was a cook in the Army for a few years in the mid-aughts and had a surprisingly nice deployment to Bagram, Afghanistan. We would have a soul food night once a week stateside but it was replaced by steak and lobster when we deployed. Since it had been a while since the last one the Dining Facility(DFac) manager decided it was time to bring back the soul food. He was off that night and a couple of our other higher leadership were in Qatar or on leave so we had a newly promoted Staff Sergeant(E-6) running the show. He was career Army, took forever to get this promotion, and excited about his progress. Meanwhile I had just earned a demotion (E-3to E-2) a couple months prior and was persona non grata So when I asked him where some of the items he took responsibility for were as we approached open he was furious. He gave me a hurried ass-chewing the ended with, "check down, not up." So twenty minutes later when he told me the line was set up and to get out there I did not tell him he forgot one of his items. We open to serve and our Command Sergeant Major (E-9) and his newest guests were already lined up for soul food night. He requests a bit of this and then and then stops in his tracks. "Where's the corn?" "I'm sorry sarnt major, I am not sure. I swear I saw some getting made." "You better have some damn corn, it is my favorite." (Weird but okay.) "I can get Sarnt 'jerkface' for you." "Nope, I'll get him myself!" He proceeded to entire the kitchen and begin asking questions. The new Staff Sergeant comes hustling out, looks at the line, looks in a warmer, and pulls out a pan of corn on the cob. I pull one of the extra pans of another item we had out and he slots the corn in. Then he tries throwing me under the bus with CSM standing there. "Why didn't you tell me the corn was not out?!" "Sarnt you just chewed me out for this, you said check down, not up." "I didn't mean it like that." Then CSM pulled him over towards the snack bar and laid into him for the next 15-20 minutes. I had never been happier while on the line.

Coworker's & Management Got What They Asked For Because "it's in the agreement" I'm actually excited to be able to contribute here for once. This is currently taking place in a casino in a province in Canada I work at and it is a bit multi faceted so I will apologize for the long read and there is a TLDR at the end To start, we're technically government employees. Don't ask me why, but we're also union. Ya, I am a literal bartender in a restaurant where everyone is a unionized government employee....you can see where this is probably going or what kind of environment this has engendered. So first off employees. There are 3 FT bartenders. As a person who has bartended or managed bars off and on for decades and we actually get hosed. Like I have never made so little money working in the service industry; but we have a pension and benefits and that's pretty choice. We consistently work our asses off while we watch our floor counting their hundreds of dollars at the end of a shift while we only make what happens directly at our bar. The servers are mandated to tip out 2% of drink sales ONLY. Regularly they ignorantly throw dimes across the table at us and make comments about "oh it was only 50 cents but I rounded up to a dollar because you earned it" Yes, comments like this happen on the regular. The rub is because of the CBA with the union bartenders are not allowed to serve tables and the servers consistently remind us of this. Here is where it gets bad. They expect the bartenders to also run their food, clean and clear their tables and still only tip to the literal penny. This is one aspect Now, as for management. We have numerous times had conversations with management as our servers constantly abandon their tables. Go outside to smoke. Hang out on their phones and generally do the barest of minimums. But because they are not on the floor we HAVE to be. We are mandated and guaranteed 15 minute breaks twice a shift and one 30 minute which we never get. This is without mentioning once that management refuses to hire any new bartenders due to "budgetary constraints" We've spoken to management numerous times and all we get told is that "the servers have the floor" and that we can "file a grievance" with the union. Cue malicious compliance (and it's gooooood) So myself and the other 2 bartenders sat down with our union reps and hammered out the EXACT parameters of our jobs, managements duties and obligations and that of our floor. We got everything highlighted and we now have laminated card stock behind the bar with the printed and highlighted aspects of our jobs, our job parameters and our job guarantees. A few weeks ago we 3 started every shift the same way. Servers, would regularly just walk behind the bar to get drinks for themselves or their clients. Sorry, you're not bartenders you can't come behind the bar. What! Ya sorry, it's in the CBA, we can't take tables you can't server drinks, we'll get to it as soon as we can. Servers now have to wait on us to pour their drinks, pop; water, beer or even get them ice. That's step one. We now officially take our 15s and our 30 minute breaks. As such, any and ALL drink service stops. Here is the best part; as such management; who is otherwise completely useless. Chatting with friends or hiding in their offices now have no choice but to come down and man the bar while we do so. They have to make drinks, stock the bar (which we ensure is needing to be done) and put away, polish our glassware. This is important as we have very specific criteria for our house drinks and what type of vessels they get poured in. This has been amusing to watch but we enjoy our breaks and I am catching up on some reading. It's only been a few weeks but the servers seem to be getting it and all of a sudden there are 2 new bartenders in training on the schedule and 2 more apparently being hired. Maybe this malicious compliance stuff does work TLDR: Serving staff treats the bar terribly. Management is lazy and ineffective. Bartenders got walked on and paid a pittance while working harder than anyone else. MC was to adhere strictly to the union guidelines afer the servers kept throwing them in the face of the bartenders forcing management and servers to actually work harder and stop floating. **Edit/Update; So I need to fill in some gaps here from the comments section.** 1. Management runs on partial P&L bonus structures. For those that don't know that is profit and loss. The less they spend while maintaining a base line of profitability the more money they make. This means we regularly run out of glassware etc. Also why we are frequently short staffed 2. Management is very questionable at this job. I have/had in my past been bar manager at three different locations (2 nightclubs and a speakeasy) and watching my bar run out of things like Triple Sec, Garnish and VODKA (yes really) is beyond insane to me 3. The upper management

Restaurant that didn't want to feed it's employees First of all, my apologies for the upcoming wall of text, I have a couple good stories. So I was a cook for a good long portion of my life. The last restaurant I worked at was a pretty nice farm to table Italian place. I really liked the owners and had worked for them at a previous restaurant and I also liked having 2 vacation weeks and insurance so I followed them to this new place Now the owners were great, the GM however was a stubborn and stingy person. We opened the place up with the idea that there would be a family meal every day before the dinner shift started. Nothing crazy expensive, just a salad and pasta for everyone. Pretty quickly though it just turned into pasta, then eventually into nothing at all with no replacement meal plan for the employees at all. I understand the need to keep costs down, especially at a new restaurant but this was getting ridiculous. The were days I'd end up working a double and very angrily eating just a cliff bar during the whole work day. I'm serious about the GM being a penny pinching b though. The most egregious example I have is If any servers or cooks made a mistake they were expected to purchase their mistake. There was one time I made a pasta dish by mistake and refused to buy it, mistakes happen damn it! My assistant GM knew it was gonna be a big deal so he ended up purchasing it 😂. Eventually hours started getting cut and people were being let go. I had been given a couple of split shifts a week (I hated them so much but needed the money). I was expected to come in and open, work a couple of lunch, leave for a couple hours and come back for the dinner shift. So after a few weeks of these shifts it became pretty routine. It allowed me to get lunch either nearby or at home. Except one day it was unexpectedly busy for lunch. We got really slammed and couldn't really catch up so they asked me if I could stay and help prep for dinner. Now me being maliciously compliant said that I planned on having lunch during that time but I'll stay if they let me have something good (I'm just thinking pasta with meat on it), they said we can't do that. So I said I can't stay then. The look on both of my bosses faces said it all. They of course couldn't back down but I wasn't gonna let them walk all over me especially when I'm just following and expecting to work my scheduled hours. I came back a couple hours later with a full belly and worked a pretty busy dinner shift. My split shifts didn't last too much longer after that. There was one more time when I had an unexpected Thursday night off but I was asked to come in and wash dishes. Once again I needed the money and I'm not above washing dishes so I said yes. Now I've done dishes before for my normal pay and it wasn't a problem. That's what I was expecting, my normal pay. I come back and they ask me to please clock in under the dish button they had just created for me. I asked if the pay was different and I was told yes, it's a couple dollars less. I nearly walked out. I only stayed because my coworkers would have a much worse day without me there but I was livid. My assistant GM tried to offer me some food scraps but I looked at him and refused. Then I remembered that dish employees get a free meal that nobody took advantage because of the cheap GM. I told my assistant GM I wanted a pork rigatoni pasta dish with peppers in it and he was completely caught off guard. "What?! Who's paying for that?" He says to me. I merely reply with dish gets a free meal and walk away. A few minutes later I get my lovely pasta dish, I go sit down for a few minutes, savor every bite and come back to my smiles from my coworkers and my GM not looking at me 🙂. The dish button was removed from my clock in screen after that.

Stop wasting ingredients! Years ago I worked as a laborer in a food production company. Kind of a mom and pop size production/distribution facility. We made all types of foods and sauces. One of the more mundane steps to a particular sauce was opening and emptying large cans of tomato sauce into a large mixer. Pretty simple, just open, pour and toss the can. One of the higher ups decided we were wasting a lot of the sauce by not thoroughly cleaning out each can. We're talking probably 20-30 oz of tomato sauce per batch which was probably around 2-3% waste. I get it, every cent counts. The problem was the solution they came up with was to use these rubber spatulas to clean out the extra sauce from these metal cans. It didn't take a scientist to see that this would not work out well with the cans being sharp and cutting into the rubber leading to rubber going into the sauce. I tried voicing concerns but was shut down. I assume they just thought we were lazy and didn't want the extra work. So we do as we are told and start cleaning the cans thoroughly. Sure enough, about 10 cans in we notice our spatulas missing large chunks of rubber. I hand one of the spatulas to my supervisor and he takes it to his boss. On cue, he comes back about 2 minutes later and says don't worry about scooping out the cans anymore. That was my first taste of, 'maybe being a manager doesn't mean you have all the answers'.

A young woman in New York... ... was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge... "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge

Really seals in the flavor This story is from many years ago from when I was 19-20. I used to work for a Resort... the same resort 3 separate times in many different job roles so prepare for other stories. This was my second time working there when I did dishwashing. I kind of got the job accidentally which is another story entirely. ANYWAYS! They held a Hawaiian Luau event which involved renting a custom built whole pig spit roast that fit 2 pigs. As a seasoned adult who has now enjoyed a lifetime of good barbeque, this thing was beautiful. As someone who thought they were an adult.... this thing was a large inconvenience and a waste of money. I didn't get to participate in any of the food... but I did get to see the dishes. Me and my coworker went out in the loading dock to take a break as one of the chefs rolled up with a golf cart towing the Big ol Pig Cooker. There are two types of chefs at this resort, the cool ones... and the type who was currently driving the golf cart. He lights up a cigarette and looks at the two of us. Points at me and says "Clean it" I walk up and take my first look inside. It looks like it's been through absolute hell. "This is more that a shift worth of cleaning... I don't know even know where to start." "Well, they'll be here in 3 hours to pick it up. So you better start now and when they get here, it better shine like new" "How do you even clean something like this?" "I don't care, just make it shine" I know I'm being setup for failure but I knuckle down. If I work my ass off but fail in the process I'll be in less trouble than if I just don't try at all. I brought out the big guns. I went to the supply closet and got a brand new un-used floor scrub brush, all the heavy chemicals and the garden hose. I spray the whole thing down in 4 cans of the heaviest degreaser we have, let it sit, and then literally stand inside and scrubbed. After an hour of scrubbing I rinse to see the progress. Not much. I go to maintenance and grab a paint scraper and some scotch pads out of their supply. Another round of heavy chemicals and I start scraping. Really making progress now. I work into a system. Chemicals, scrape, scrub, rinse, chemicals, scrap, scrub, rinse. I am on my knees in this thing chipping away at the crap and I heard the dock door open. It's one of the office guys, the chef, and someone else. "...right out here, he better have it clean for ya" It's at this point I look up. The Chef sees me obviously not done and has an evil grin. The office guy looks indifferent. The stranger.... Enraged Horror. He comes running up and starts a tirade. I blank on what he says as my mind goes into survival mode. Usually people I see this angry are one really small thing away from physical violence. I don't remember the exact argument but I do remember the guy being mad about how I was cleaning it with "You scrubbed off the flavor" and how it was "seasoned" which meant nothing to me at that point in my life. The chef chimed in with "Why would you do this, don't you have any common sense?" My mind comes back into focus and I say "You said you didn't care how I cleaned it but to make it shine like new" There was a moment of silence and then he starts back at me telling me that I was done here and HR would have my butt for this... like losing this job would ruin my life. The other dishwasher, like a knight with a moist dishtowel over one shoulder, appears in the door way. "Dude you literally told him to make it shine like new, I was standing right here" They made me stop where I was and rinse it off.... We lost our deposit. I never got in trouble. Chef got his butt reamed. Things never got better there... but I felt vindicated. I am still good friends with that other dishwasher.

When my son was about 5, he asked me where poo came from. I gave him a short concise answer on how you eat, and the food goes down into your tummy where the good stuff gets taken out of it to fuel your body, then what's left passes down to a long tube called intestines where it is mixed with nasty stuff, all which comes out of your bum when you go to the toilet. He looked at me in horror and said "What about tigger?"

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

a guy thing.. My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. The I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident? "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo....I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!! Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did. Edit: I did not expect this thing to blow up. This is a joke hence in /jokes. Thanks for the all the up votes .

A Tibetan man, an Indian man, a German man and a Maltese man die and go to purgatory A Tibetan man, an Indian man, a German man and a Maltese man die and go to purgatory. And to pass the time, they begin discussing how they died. The Tibetan man says "I was driving a truck in San Gwann, and as im driving I see a man just standing in the middle of the road, eating a box of chicken satay. And as a Tibetan I'm forbidden to kill any living creature, so I swerved into the other lane and a motorbike crashes into me. The bike gets stuck in my wheels so I can't turn. And I crash right into a petrol station, ignite a puddle of gasoline on the floor and the whole thing explodes." The Indian guy says "Thats such a coincidence. I was in San Gwann, delivering chicken satay on Bolt Food. But when I got to the customer i realised my bag was unzipped and the chicken satay must have fallen somewhere in the road. As an Indian im very hard working so I drive back to find the chicken satay, and as im driving I see a man, standing in the middle of the road, eating the chicken satay. And im so distracted that i get hit by a truck, I get stuck under the wheels. The truck crashes into the petrol station, ignites a puddle of gasoline on the floor, and the whole thing explodes." The German guy says "That's so crazy! I was in San Gwann at a petrol station. And there was a big puddle of gasoline on the floor. And as a German i cant stand a mess on the floor. So I get a towel to mop up the gasoline but I see a man, standing in the middle of the road, eating a box of chicken satay. And im so confused that i forget about the puddle. Suddenly this huge truck crashes into the petrol station, ignites the puddle of gasoline, and the whole thing explodes." The Maltese guy has been very quiet, and doesnt seem to be listening to everyones stories. So they ask him, "how did you die?" And the Maltese guy says "It was very strange. I was crossing the road in San Gwann, and I see a takeout box on the floor. And I open it, and its full of chicken satay. So I begin eating the chicken satay. And all of a sudden, a truck whizzes past me, hits a motorbike, the motorbike gets stuck in the wheels, the truck crashes into a petrol station, ignites a puddle of gasoline, and the whole thing explodes." And the other guys ask "But then how did you die?" And the Maltese guy says "Im allergic to peanuts"

Be nice to drive-through workers 1985 I was a teenager working the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant at the beach in So Cal. A van with 6 obnoxious surfer dudes drove up and were being deliberately obnoxious with their order, rude, screaming, making everything difficult. They eventually ordered 6 burgers screaming 'extra sauce!' after every one.. I took the order and ran back into the kitchen and told the grill cook that I'm going to make their order. If you've ever worked in fast food prep you know you line up the buns, you pour a quarter size drop of sauce on the bun, then the pickles/lettuce/tomato/burger/bottom bun and then you wrap it up. So I put the buns down, covered them in sauce until you couldn't see them. Pickles, *covered* in sauce, tomatoes, *covered* the in sauce, lettuce, *covered* it in sauce, and did this with each layer, and *covered* the top of the bun in sauce.Then I *covered* the burger wrapper in sauce, and wrapped it around the burger, carefully. I had to triple-bag the burgers because they were dripping and absolutely soggy with Jumbo Jack Sauce. The bag felt like it weighed 10 extra pounds with all that sauce, I ran back up to the window, took their money, was as pleasant as could be, and handed them their bag. Here is the sweet part: I did not give them any napkins

Short and silly story at McDonalds that happened today. I had 6,000 pts for a free Big Mac on the McDonalds app so I swung by to get it. Happened to have 35 cents in the car so I added an extra piece of cheese, paid at the first window, got my burger, and after taking a bite I realized... no extra cheese. Thought about letting it go, but dammit I paid for that and figured I could get a second burger out of it for my time wasted, so I went back into the drive thru, waited behind 3 cars, and when I got to the drive-up window the girl had the audacity to just hand me a cold piece of cheese. So I was like, "No I already started eating it without the cheese before I realized, and had to wait in line again... so I'd like it re-made." She checked with her manager, and came back and said, "Ok but you have to give me the old burger back." Nodding, I picked up the burger and proceeded to take the 3 largest bites you'd ever seen and left nothing but a single bite and a pile of lettuce. Mouth stuffed full of big mac, sauce all over my face, I gave her the biggest shit-eating grin as I handed her the box containing what was left. She actually grinned back. (She must think her manager is anal, too.) I got a new one with TWO pieces of cheese a half a minute later. 35 cents well spent today. P.S. screw any manager that would allow food to be wasted like that just to satisfy their own ego. P.P.S. I would \*never\* do this to a small, locally owned business. But, McDonalds? I have no shame. EDIT: It seems some people think I acted like a, "Karen" in this situation. You're entitled to your opinions, but I'd wager McDonalds has screwed all of you out of far more than just a piece of cheese in the past. My "McDonalds screwed up again" punch-card was full, so this time, I chose to not let it go.

“How about one you haven’t manhandled?!” hey all it’s no caps OP (still haven’t figured it out ) I had a deli customer come in today along with many many regulars as it is the witching hour and everyone’s on lunch. im wearing gloves. I prepared most of the food the customers see before them. but sometimes in my haste in packaging their requests my gloved hands make physical contact with their food. so in comes my least favorite guy. the guy who asks me what the Swedish meatballs are and I say “Swedish meatballs “ , and then he proceeds to say “…because there’s so much sauce on them it’s impossible to tell “. like it’s totally unnecessary. he literally puts too much sauce on everything. not that I can judge him. but anyway saucy comes in and asks for four tenders. I have like 12 left and I’m doing the math. I know that the guy behind him gets 8 tenders minimum every day. as I’m bagging them with the tongs one my fingers holding them bag touches like one tender. He loses it. ”hey! how about you give me some tenders you didn’t put your hands all over ! “ enter MC before he can interject any further Ingo to the next customer hey what can you get while waiting for new tenders ! oh give me the rest of those “! you got it chief. then other guy loses it as I toss his manhandled tenders aside and tell my manager “sophi” to start a new batch. I told saucy that “don’t worry I won’t touch these ones “ “that’s not what I meant!” ahhh the MC battlecry of defeat. he waited thirteen minutes for new tenders TLdr: made a guy new tenders.

An morbidly obese man, desperate to lose weight and having failed a number of attempts, goes to a doctor and begs for a solution. Doctor - "Well, given that you have tried everything else, I could give you an experimental procedure, which may or may not help." Patient - "I am up for anything doc, it won't hurt to try anyway." Doctor - "Alright then, going forward, you will ingest food only anally. This technique has shown some promising results in weight loss programmes." Patient - "OK....that does sound weird, but I will give it a try." And he goes on his way. Couple of years later, the Doctor is at a party, when a slim guy comes dancing towards him from the dance floor. "Hey doc, remember me." Doctor (staring at him) - "I am sorry, do I- HOLY CRAP, I remember you, how have you been mate, you look fantastic." The man, still dancing - "Oh yes, all thanks to you. I lost so much weight following your advice." Doctor - "I can see that. And you dance really good too." "Oh I am not dancing Doc. I am just chewing gum."

At dinner tonight I got an eye roll from my wife and laughs from my 9 yos My wife was really enjoying them garlic bread I made with the lasagne. She sighs with satisfaction and pats her tummy and says, "I ate so much garlic bread I'm going to have a food baby". I spent the next 5 minutes working it out and then said, "ya, and it's a purebred baby" She looks at me and says, "were you ignoring everything else I said for the past 5 minutes?" As she rolls her eyes. But the laughter from my 9 year olds was worth it. I hope she wasn't saying something important... Better late than never. Never give up.

Don't assume I am a crook This happened a few years back, when I was between jobs, a mini-recession was underway, and I wanted a who-cares job in a high-energy environment. I ended up managing a food stand at the local NHL hockey arena. In the stand there was myself (Stand Lead), one head cashier, a cook, a runner, and a number of cashiers. This company started from the position that all their employees were crooks - sorry to be so blunt, but that was their reality. It was not an unfounded position - refilling beer cups and pocketing the cash from the sale was not a rare practice. I had two of my cashiers fired after secret shoppers caught them. The trick was to do this with non-inventory items. At the start and end of a night I counted everything: Beer cups, the cardboard triangles on which pizza was served, popcorn bags, bags of potato chips, etc. Bulk items could not be counted: Popcorn, draft beer, nacho chips, etc. At the end of the night we garbaged the bulk items that cannot be carried over to the next night: Cooked hot dogs, pizza sliced, popcorn, etc. We may have wolfed down a few items. "We're closed, I'm going to toss these three leftover slices in the bin, anyone want one?" I recorded the waste (three slices), but they may not have all made it into the garbage. Apparently some suit envisioned that stands might loading up with extra food from the delivery folks, or cooking extra hot dogs. Manglement got their panties in a twist about us eating the garbage, and sent a memo that all waste was to be boxed up and carried down to the warehouse. So we did as told. After counting the waste, into the box went a random assortment of pizza slices, hot dogs, and popcorn. It wasn't put in neatly. There was always lots of popcorn. Manglement probably didn't care about the popcorn, but the directive was vague so they got it anyway. The box was stuffed with popcorn. If the warehouse ever did anything with what was in that box, it would be a fermenting fly-infested mess by the time they got around to opening the boxes. At the after-work beer party the directive was discussed, none of the stand leads liked the assumptions made regarding our integrity, and they adopted the practice. A month or two later I had reason to chat with the warehouse on another topic, and I asked them what they did with all the food waste that was brought down. Answer: We toss it right into the dumpster, we're not digging through that mess. "You never go in and count anything?" Nah, the suits tried to make us, but we refused, we already have full time jobs and they wouldn't hire anyone whose job description was to dig through garbage. It's just the suits trying to intimidate you stand leads. I resumed binning my waste, and not lugging anything down to the warehouse. Nobody noticed. I passed the word. Neither we, nor the warehouse, told management. The empty suits never noticed.

Kitchen-duty This is starting to be a long time ago now. I was working on IT support for a municipality, traveling around and fixing incidents and fulfilling requests. My team was at the office a varying amount, but I would say 80-100% traveling between tasks. As many who work in offices probably have experience from… the kitchen is always a mess. Coffecups and plates just laying around. We had even bought an industrial dishwasher, either easy to load trays. One for plates, one for bowls, and one for cups and glasses. But people are stupid/lazy, and put things on the bench or in the wrong tray. So a genius found out that we need a rotating «kitchen duty» plan. So everyone has 1 day where they are responsible for the kitchen. This wasn’t a kitchen for making food. So it was basicly just a coffe machine, fridge and microwave. The list came out. And I saw my team on the list. So I immediately contact the ones responsible and explain that my team is traveling most of the day. We are rarely at the office, and usually grab a lunch while traveling, so we shouldn’t be on the list. They reply that «everyone will be on the list». So again raise the issue that we’re not at the office…. And I get a reply saying we’ll just have to come to the office to take our responsibility. Here my malicious compliance kicks in My day comes up. So i go to the office, turn on an audiobook. And take my place in the kitchen. Whenever someone came into the kitchen to place something on the counter I would make a noise, pointing to the trays. If they put it wrong, I would point to the PICTURE of where to place the thing. I did this for 7 hours that day. I got some questions about my workload. In which I replied I had a lot to do. But I had kitchen duty, so wouldn’t be able to go out to any of the incidents. After the second time I did this, and the big boss asked questions, the list was finally changed, and my team was removed! :D The person responsible for the list still thought it was unfair that we didn’t have to do kitchen duty :p

An atheist was walking through the woods. An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It w ould be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A man came home from work... ...and found his five children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around the garden. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house, and there was no sign of the dog. Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. In the front room, a lamp had been knocked over and a throw rug was against one wall. The TV was on with cartoons blaring, and the floor was covered with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way under the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her, bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the world do I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

A man goes to a restaurant He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?" The waiter says "A penny." The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?" The waiter says, "A nickel" The man is astonished, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!" The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife." Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

What one food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%? Wedding cake.

I trusted him with my three cats and kissed him goodbye before I left for my month-long vacation. With no pet food in the room I locked them in, the autopsy is going to be impossible by the time I get back.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

The Most Important Body Part One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge." So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

Not My Lot, Not My Problem. This happened decades ago for a food production company where I was a Quality Control manager. I regularly checked the quality of the food we produced and the food production lines for four plants in the area. One plant I inspected was operating within tolerance and received a generally good report, but I had to note one potential hazard: the parking lot was in terrible condition, and the dust that employee vehicles kicked up and they entered and left work could enter the plant and contaminate the food production line. I gave a copy of my report to the Plant Operations Supervisor, and suggested he get it taken care of before the USDA inspector noticed it. His response: “You were here to inspect food production, not the parking lot!” “I'm here to ensure the quality of the food product that leaves this plant.” “Bullsh–!” and then he said the words every malicious complier thrives on. “Don't tell me how to run my plant!” Six weeks later, the USDA inspector shut down the plant, citing the quality of the parking lot and the heightened risk of dust entering the food production line. Who knew? But even then, there was a work-around that could have kept the plant open. Only… plant operations had demanded that I don't tell them how to run their plant. Even so, I had to ask, the following month after the lot had been repaved and the inspector had finally approved the plant to be reopened: “Why didn't you just close down the parking lot and have the employees park on the street?” Schedule the repave on a weekend, the plant could have stayed in operation. He didn't lose his job. In fact, he retired from that company. So I guess it was a lesson learned? But he didn't talk to me again.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

Manager Mayhem So this happened years ago when I was in charge of a restaurant. Not part of a chain or anything, this was owned by a couple who had 2 restaurants (both different) and a bar in the lobby of a movie theater. We had quite the ~~bussy~~ busy day so one of the site managers (by lack of better word, the one supervising all 3 locations) came to help. That day I ran the kitchen, ordering the boss' son around and there were, i think, 5 people running service. This manager was appalled by what she perceived as chaos (but in reality was a well-funcioning team) and decided to put down manager law. Started ordering me around, do this, go there, make sure that gets done now. At first I just ignored her until she made that impossible by standing right in front of me barking her next order. Game on! Every time she ordered me to do something, whatever I was doing got dropped and I jumped right to it. Grilling some burgers but order me to clean something up? Sure, right away... charred burgers but clean workbench. Plating up but order me to run a few loads of dishes (dishwasher was a no-show)? sure... cold food but some more clean dishes. It took almost a full hour for things to fall completely apart, and I mean completely! No food coming out of the kitchen, service grinding to a halt (yes, she also completely f-ed that up) and said manager sitting in a corner crying. Took me about half an hour to get things back on track once I got the owner to remove the manager from the restaurant.

You want wine? I’ll give you wine. (Probably not the dunk I think it is but I still feel happy with the result) For context, I work as a salesman in a wine store. It’s not a normal wine & liquor place, it’s a curated selection, meaning we pick out all the wine that we sell (this is irregular in retail, most selections are curated by the distributor). As a result, all the employees have to really know their shit and we are regularly asked a lot of questions and need to give detailed and honest answers. Our customer base really likes us and new customers are either pleasantly surprised by the experience or endlessly mad we don’t carry their name-brand thing they like (damn you whispering angel). The other day a couple came into the store at the recommendation of a friend (I will call them Asher and Blake). Asher was very excited and was super happy when we had the bottles they had taken pictures of at a party the other day. Blake however immediately started making comments like “really? That one” or “that tasted awful you want that?”. Asher was clearly a little upset at this but I gathered this was just a normal dynamic in their relationship as it was brushed off rather quickly. After we put those bottles aside, they tell me they are going to do a garden party since its warm. Nice sunny day, light apps and snacks, average spring party. So they ask me to recommend some wine and I start going through the store and showing them some options. I hit all the big guys, loire and new world Sauvignon blancs, provencal rose’s, albarino’s, toscana’s and new world pinot noir for the red drinkers. A good selection for the food they had described. Well Blake did not think so. Every suggestion I made was met with a counter. I show them a nice floral unoaked white burgundy “I think we should do chablis”. Pinot noir “don’t you think pinot is too heavy?” Sauvignon blanc “too sweet”. Albarino “too heavy”. At this point im at a loss, i’m running out of stuff to give Blake so i scale up a bit, offer some fuller bodied wines. Not great pairing to the event or the food, but not destructive. Blake is still not happy. Asher is clearly pissed at this point, they’ve been holding their tongue but every denial makes their face a darker shade of red until they finally pop. Asher apologizes to me and says they are going to go with my suggestions, and tells Blake that they can pick out a bottle they want because clearly they are not willing to listen to me. I go through and put their cart together, listen to them argue a bit at the register, and then check Blake out after Asher storms out of the store. Whatever, I’m free of it, Asher is a saint for dealing with B, it’s done. It was not done. The next morning when I show up Blake is waiting for me with the three bottles they picked (got three of the same thing). “The wine is off” Blake says, holding the bottle out like its some sort of weird bug. I tell them that yeah it happens sometimes, I’ll check it out. To be clear, it is rare that the wine is actually off, most of the time the customer just doesnt like it. It doesnt hurt us and we want the business so we always accept exchanges and just agree that it wasnt right. The customer has been right twice that I have seen, and I was one of the two customers (compromised cork). So I open up the store with an impatient Blake standing over me before finally taking the bottle. I kid you not this thing is like 80 degrees, it is HOT. The sun hasnt been out long enough to do this either, so im pretty confident they did something to it. Anyway, i pour myself a glass and taste it. Even through the mire of hot booze, i can tell its good. All of the flavors i expect stand out, it smells fine, no evidence of oxidizing or mildew. Good bottle. Feeling petty I tell Blake as much, wanting them to admit that they just don’t like the wine. Blake turns a bit red and says as much. Good. Lets pick something else out then. “Where are your super tuscans?” Blake asks. I Iight up, because this is the perfect chance to fuck with them. We have two true ones in the store. One is a very accessible price, pretty standard, sangiovese, cab franc, merlot, syrah. Really nice and medium bodied. Wouldnt be too bad for the garden party, but still on the heavier end. The other? Expensive as hell, syrah and cab franc. It is the inkiest, blackest, heaviest wine you could imagine. I love it, but I think it might kill anyone who drinks it in 80 degree weather. Well, I give Blake the heavy one. Blake of course is in love when I tell them about it. Big bold flavors, heavy, crushes the flavor of whatever you eat with it? Perfect for Blake. They get three to replace the bottles they returned, and end up spending an extra 130 even with the cost of the refunded wine deducted. Now I know I’m way more sensitive to wine and food than others are, but this was perfect. Even somebody who’s demolished their palate with years of cigar smoking would be able to tell that wine is aw

I'm on a seafood diet... ...when I see food, I eat it! Although only if it's seafood, because of the seafood diet.

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world". The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of the European countries knew the meaning of "scarcity". The African nations did not know what "food" was. The Cubans were puzzled and asked for elaboration on the meaning of "opinion". The Argentinians were not familiar with the word "please". The North Americans had no idea what was the so called "rest of the world". And the Brazilian congress is, to this day, debating what exactly is "honesty".

Yes, food.

Black people love fried chicken And so do white people, and Asian people, and many other races and ethnicities. The crispy skin along with the great taste make it a food beloved across the globe.

My son's new friend at school only ever talks about food, what it smells like, what he imagines breakfast tastes like, what he dreams about eating. I called the school to invite him over for dinner and they said no child by that name has ever been enrolled, and when I described him to my landlord, he went white because a boy matching that description starved to death in our apartment thirty years ago.

Donald Trump... -A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. -Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. -Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. -The rest of the world is in shock. -Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. -Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. -Latin American countries are sending clothing. -New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. -The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. -Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. -President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

Hair is in Compliance So with this story we are back at the resort I worked at multiple times. I worked at this place several times and I have to dip back into those times to explain how I got hired. When I was 15 I had originally got a job doing room service and got really good at navigating the facility. When I was 18-19 I started growing out my hair and would wear a headband literally 100% of the time and thought I was cool. I got a call one day from a friend and past coworker who was very tied into the resort. The dishwashing team walked out and they needed someone now. I lived 150 ft from this resort and they were giving me a guaranteed job without an interview and would pay cash until I got in the system. The catch? I had to do 3 full kitchens dishes right now with almost zero training. I worked solidly, by myself, in 3 kitchens, from open to close for weeks until they hired help. I lived somewhat close to the Lady in charge of the entire resort who LOVED that I was involved with the resort again. She and I have always had a great friendship as neighbors. I ended up leaving to get a better paying job which didnt really help me out because even though it was more per hour, I was working less and had to drive and spend more on gas. I got another call from that friend. I got an instant job there AGAIN! This time almost entire setup staff for banquets, meetings and wedding had walked. Again, same conditions as above, I had a butt ton of work to do but just in a different department. I had found out that the Lady in charge actually suggested my friend specifically call me because I was a known reliable worker. It's at this point where this story really begins. I had long thick hair. No more headband, I wore it in a tight pony tail that came to my mid back. I will also mention that I am a guy. Knowing I was going to be a front of house employee with guest contact, I would shower before going to work, and pull my hair into a tight single braid. Once in place I would run gel in so the loose shorter strands would stay in place. I looked professional. Because of my unusual hiring conditions, I rarely ever saw HR. After over a year of working in this department, training a whole new team, and 2 customer service awards..... HR approached me. I literally had a tray of covered food on my shoulder, about to walk into a wedding. She stopped me, I saw her glance at my hair, and said "We've had several complaints about you, you need to put your hair into compliance according to the handbook by the time you show up to work tomorrow or consider this your termination notice." She said this to me while I was absolutely slammed with work during dinner service at a 300+ person wedding reception. Several servers were watching and gave me the appropriate "What the %$@#, who would have complained?!" comforting words to myself. I put my head down and really don't remember the rest of the night. The next day, I am in my kitchen with my future wife, and my mother. We have the employee handbook out and are looking at it. I am due into work soon as we have to tear down the wedding from last night and reset up for a wedding reception tonight. It was determined that I needed the job more than I needed the hair but I LIKED MY LONG HAIR! The area of the handbook we were looking at. "Male hair must be kept above collar length. Pony tails are not permitted." Well... ok. Ask and you shall receive. I washed and dried my hair, went back into the kitchen where my mom had pulled out the large soup pot that fit over my head and was deep enough to stop JUST over my collar and started cutting. I do not have a picture of this..... But picture Edna Mode from the incredibles except her hair is super thick and frized out like the witch from the old cartoon Sword in the Stone. We all equally laughed and cried. I found it hilarious but we all missed my hair. I go to work, IN COMPLIANCE, and present myself to HR. She is shocked to see me. I don't know if it was because she didn't think I'd be back.... or that I literally looked like I just licked an electrical outlet. I quoted the handbook and said that we should be good now. She argued that I looked horrible. I pointed out that she shouldn't shame my looks and that I, again, was in handbook compliance and would be going to work. It was very memorable going back to work. EVERYONE had something to say. It had gotten around what HR had pulled and then it had gotten around what I did. Through all the laughs that were had we had work to do. We had to get all of last nights wedding cleaned up, the grand ballroom had to get vacuumed, the tables and chairs placed in new positions, tablecloths and new place settings... The whole shebang. To those who have worked in this industry... I know you can visualize the amount of work. The Lady who ran the resort stopped by because she always does before a reception just to make sure our standards are up. She sees me in the back hall carrying a rack of water

What do you say to your pizza delivery driver on 12:01 2020 Thank you for the food, here’s a little extra tip for delivering so late :)

What’s a vampire’s favorite food? Nothing, vampires don’t exist.

I’m currently on a ”seafood” diet I try and mix it up by eating all sorts of different types of fish. It’s quite delicious and also a healthy style of living that I highly recommend!

Manager said we couldn't leave until every table was "fully wiped." So we did. I worked at a fast-food place in high school. Our closing manager was a power-tripping jerk. One night, right at closing, he barked at us, "I don't want to see a single crumb! Every table must be fully wiped before you clock out!" We usually did a quick spray-and-wipe, but he was being especially awful. So, my coworker and I took him at his word. We got fresh, soaking wet rags and "fully wiped" every single table, chair, and bench seat. We didn't dry them off. The entire dining area was covered in a thin, uniform layer of water. When he came to inspect, he was furious. "They're all wet!" he yelled. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "You said 'fully wiped.' You didn't say anything about drying them. Not a crumb in sight, sir." We clocked out and left him to dry the entire restaurant by himself.

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest) A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

GM didn't like the new owners making change A few years ago I decided to get a second part-time job for some extra cash at a well known Burger place. When I started I heard that the GM, we'll call her Tammy, was pretty new at her job and no one seemed to like her much. I soon found out why. She was demanding, didn't know how to talk to people at all. She like to screamed instead. And acted like she was the queen bee that everyone had to wait on. When breakfast was over and I went to throw away all the extra sausages, one of my co-workers rushed over and said "no, wait you have to save one for Tammy. She'll be here soon." So about 11am Tammy comes waltzing in and goes straight to her office. All my coworkers start rushing around to make her a large iced tea and a sausage breakfast sandwich. Someone takes it in to her. She comes barreling out of her office screaming that the sausage wasn't fresh for her liking so make her another. I was just like wow. Then she comes out and walks around, and just yells at people. About everything. I was already thinking at this point that I don't think I will be here long. But thank goodness I only worked morning shifts so only had to deal with her for a couple of hours. Tammy was the worst boss I have ever encountered in all my working life. Our site was recently sold to another company and they sent in "Kevin" to make some changes. He was a nice enough guy but every change he made, as soon as he left Tammy would yell at us for doing things differently (Kevin's way) and not the way she likes them done. We would say, but Kevin said we are to do it this way from now on. And Tammy would yell, "I don't care what Kevin wants, this is my store, I'm the GM and I wants things my way." She told us not to worry about kevin, she would handle him. And I'm thinking, um okay Tammy but aren't these people your boss? You don't own the store, they do. But okay Big Boss Tammy, whatever you say. So the next day Kevin comes in early before miss Tammy. I continue to do things the way Tammy wants them done because that's what she told us to do. When Kevin approached me and said "why are you doing things the old way,I thought I showed you the changes that I have made?" And I answered "yes Kevin, I know and I tried to do things the way you showed us but, Tammy said she is the GM and this is her store and she told us not to worry about what you say and to only worry about what she tells us to do." Kevin said nothing but made a strange face. When Tammy came in they went into her office. I wish I were a fly on the wall. He left not long after and she came out screaming at everyone about the times in drive thru. I swear she just liked yelling, it didn't even matter what it was about. I left that day and just never went back. I'm too old to deal with some Manager that is way too big for her britches. About month later I go to another fastfood place nearby and lo and behold Tammy is at the window. She looks visably embarrassed when she sees me. She hesitates as she starts to hand me my food and I hear a woman in the back say to her in an impatient voice "Tammy what are you doing, we have times to worry about?" she whispers "I know" and hands me my bag as I smile and drive away. The next day I went to my old place for lunch and asked them what happened to Tammy. They gleefully told me that just a couple of days after I quit that Kevin fired her because she kept refusing to do things his way. He also told her he didn't like how she talked to people. They all seemed so happy and I would make sure to visit Tammy's new place every now and then because it's fun to see her have her big ego crushed.

There’s no “I” in USSR Or food

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

I'm going to start a fast food chicken restaurant, and it's only going to be open on Sundays. It'll be called 'Chik-fil-atheist'.

Selling porn is gross but selling food and small household items is grocer.

Food stamps caseworker blues About 20 years ago I was applying for food stamps, and during the process I informed the caseworker that I made a few bucks a week collecting and returning 5 cent soda cans. She informed me that I had to call her and report this as it was extra income. So the next day I did, 9:30 a.m. "hi, this is me, I found a nickel can." 10:00 "hi this is me, I found another can." 11:00 "hi I found another can." That afternoon when I made my 5 call, she told me I no longer had to report my "extra income" I never heard anything more about it.

Rich Man A wealthy man was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the man said. "But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the man answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was. One of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

I'm on a seafood diet I see food and, provided it's a fish, I eat it

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.

You won't let me leave when I'm obviously sick? Let's see what YOUR boss has to say. Ya'll seemed to enjoy my last post about my old boss, Jack. I have a few more stories about him, and I was recently reminded of this one when my allergies began acting up. As a refresher, Jack was brought in to "Fix the restaurant", and loved exercising his power as GM. Classic power tripping boss who hates actually putting in the work. Anyway, a bit of context about me. At the time of this story, I was 17, working at this restaurant after school to save for college. I also get horrendous seasonal allergies, to the point I have three bottles of industrial-strength antihistamines placed strategically so I'm never far from my medicine. They tend to flare up without warning, so I can't just take one in the morning. Anyway, that's besides the point, since at the time of the story, I didn't take anything for my allergies. They were never severe enough to bother, and I was a broke high school student. This story would change that. Right, on to the story. I was working the drive-through one fine fall morning, right across from a palo verde tree. Anyone who has a palo verde tree near them, you know just how bad the pollen from those things gets in the fall. As you can imagine, after about an hour, my nose was already running something fierce. I saw where this was headed, and after blowing my nose, I went and found Jack to figure something out. Having a runny nose in food service is a bad idea, so surely, he'd be willing to work with me, right? Nope. I've once again overestimated Jack. I started by asking if I could simply move to another station to get away from the offending tree. "No, we've got a full staff today and I'm not willing to move you around." Alright, then can I leave for just long enough to run to a corner store and pick up some over-the-counter antihistamines? "No, it's company policy not to let employees leave and come back for the same shift." (This one was complete BS, by the way. People left all the time when they had a long break and wanted peace and quiet to eat.) By this point, I was getting confused. I was quite obviously suffering from a runny nose, even while talking to Jack, so I thought even he wouldn't be dumb enough to not throw me a bone. I asked if I could go home then, since I can't do anything else to alleviate my symptoms. Nope, I needed to stick around, dripping snot all over the counter while I talk to customers. Eventually, I realized he wasn't going to give. He wanted me to sit there and smile, in spite of my visible symptoms? Fine. Cue malicious compliance. Now, something I failed to mention earlier was that I was friendly with the franchise owner, Sam, who was the only person there who outranked Jack. I also knew that part of Sam's weekly routine was to stop by this restaurant to catch up on paperwork on that day of the week, during my shift. This was information Jack had as well, but I suppose he didn't consider that Sam could possibly disagree with his handling of the situation. So, I waited. I snagged a box of tissues from the staff bathroom, set myself up at my station, and worked as best I could. I made my way through that box, then a second, and half of a third before Sam got there about an hour before my shift was scheduled to end. (The tissues were provided by one of the shift leads, who I paid back. I felt bad using so many, since Jack didn't pay for them.) My throat was sore from the mucus running down it, and my voice was hoarse from pushing through it. I'm sure the customers must've thought I was coming down with the plague or something. Finally, Sam arrives. I wait patiently for him to make his rounds, checking in on all the staff, seeing how we're doing and making small talk with the ones who weren't busy. Finally, he walks over to the drive-through, and immediately notices my condition. "OP, are you feeling okay? You don't look well," he says. I responded, "I'm hanging in there. My allergies are acting up, no big deal." Sam frowns. "You sure? This looks like more than allergies." "Oh, definitely. It's that palo verde tree causing it. I get like this every year." He looks confused now. "Why didn't you move to a different station, or take something for it? You can't work with food like this!" Gotcha. "I asked Jack, he said I couldn't do either, and refused to send me home. I've just been trying to tough it out." Boom. Sam's face contorted for a moment, before straightening out into a look of grim determination. "Come with me," he says, "I'll grab someone to cover your station while we go talk to Jack." Sam has me hand my headset to one of the aforementioned non-busy coworkers (guess it wasn't that hard after all), then leads me to the back office where Jack is doing whatever it is he does. Jack greets Sam, then notices me standing there and frowns. "OP, what are you doing back here? You need to stay at our station," Jack admonises. Before I can respond, Sam cu

Sole food