50+ Flight Attendant Jokes

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."  The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Gay Couple on a Plane A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane. "What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..." "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board... She decides to report it to the pilot immediately. "Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!" The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:    "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So how are you getting there?” "We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”   “Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”  "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's  Tiber River called Teste.”   "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”  "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”  "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”  A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”  "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”   "Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”   "Oh, really!  What'd he say?”    He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

Ryanair reclaiming salary increases from workers after losing a court battle with a Union Source: BBC News “Ryanair has ordered some flight attendants in Spain to repay salary increases of up to €3,000 (£2,525) following a legal dispute with their union. A pay rise had been agreed with the Spanish union, CCOO, and it applied to all flight attendants regardless of what union they belonged to. But another Spanish union - Union Sindical Obrera - won a court case in March to nullify the deal. The Irish airline has now written to Union Sindical Obrera to say it will be informing its members how much they owe. Union Sindical Obrera has hit back at Ryanair's decision to claw back five month's worth of pay rises, but the firm said: "USO are complaining about pay cuts that result from their court case." It added: "Ryanair is complying with the court case that Union Sindical Obrera took to cut pay while it is under appeal."” Pretty crazy case of malicious compliance. Union shot its own members in the foot.

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane... Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer." So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?" Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl. So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level. "You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time." :)

The Mormon and The Irishman A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

A man boards an airliner A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass, I want it right Now!" The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet. As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference... After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?" The engineer answers "If I know my students well, and they really did build this plane, then I can say with 100% certainty that this shit will never even turn on."

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane." He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?" He answers, "Pepper."

Flight Attendant:" Window or Aisle?" "Window or you'll what?"

The Mormon and the Irishman A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had that choice."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

Henry Winkler on a plane Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?" He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."

I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

Walking through the cabin, a flight attendant noticed a man drenched in sweat, trembling, and biting his nails. "Perhaps I could bring you a glass of whiskey? It might help you feel better", the flight attendant suggested. After an obvious internal struggle, the man whispered: "Alright." Checking on the same passenger again, the flight attendant found him in an even more pitiful state. "A second glass?", she asked. The man said nothing, and just nodded his head. When the flight attendant returned to the passenger for a third time, he was sobbing uncontrollably. "I’ve never seen anyone so afraid of flying", the flight attendant remarked, to which the passenger replied: "I’m not afraid of flying at all, I’m trying to quit drinking!"

An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW Dear Airlines: Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving money while the flight attendants jobs would be better paying than ever before. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. We would not have any need for Air Marshalls, the TSA, etc. This would make flying easier and safer again and would save even more money. This is definitely a win -- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Donald Trump

First Class Blonde A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight... After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

(Hope its no re-post) So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot... and he says, "man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee." Little did he know, he had his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane. The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go of the button. On her way there a passenger shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. A man approached the gate, and stopped in front of her as she extended her hand for the ticket.  He opened his trench coat wide and flashed her. "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Fright flight! After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots." The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff. As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!! The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

My flight was being served My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat, Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

After asking several other people, a flight attendant walks up and asks a man a question [NSFW] Flight attendant: Sir, would you like some headphones? Man: Yes I would! How did you know my name was phones?

A Mormon and an Irishman A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker. "Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing... ...wasn't the captains fault, ...definitely wasn't my fault, ...it was the asphalt." The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

A blonde boards a plane to Miami... A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat. "Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

Gandhiji and a British man sit next to each other on a flight… A British man and Mahatma Gandhi were seated next to each other on a long flight. The British man, bored, turns to Gandhi and says, "Let’s play a game. I’ll ask you a question — if you can’t answer, you give me ₹5. Then you ask me a question — if I can’t answer, I’ll give you ₹5." Gandhi smiles and says, “How about this instead? If I can’t answer your question, I’ll give you ₹5. But if you can’t answer mine, you give me ₹500.” The British man, thinking he’ll easily win, agrees. Round 1: Brit: “What’s the distance between Earth and the Moon?” Gandhi: Quietly hands over ₹5. Round 2: Gandhi: “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The British man thinks hard. He googles. He asks the flight attendants. Nothing. After an hour, frustrated, he hands Gandhi ₹500. Curious, he asks, “So... what’s the answer?” Gandhi smiles, says nothing — and hands him ₹5.

A man boards a plane. An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?" The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu... Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now." The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn just how far she'd go to keep her job. Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immediately recognizes what's going on. He glances at Bill and leans over to attendant, and says "I'm sorry, I believe the President would like to order a *quiche*".

A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane... Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"

The Gay Flight Attendant A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the bigscary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch. EDiT : Changed narration from 1st Person to 3rd.

I just like to sleep naked... The flight attendant could have been a bit more understanding.

Malasian airlines Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Flight to New York On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

It was mealtime on an airplane... ...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

A airplane is going down midflight and the pilot comes on the intercom. He says, "Attention passengers we are going down. To help with the weight of the plane and attempt to save some lives we are gonna kick people off the plane in alphabetical order." The plane goes quiet but the people agree and a flight attendant let's the pilot know. Once again the pilot comes over the speaker and says, "we will now start the removal process. First is A. Do we have any Africans?" Plane is quiet. "Okay B's, and blacks? Plane is silent. "Okay now for C's, any Colored people?" Plane is quiet again. The pilot continues through the alphabet as a little black boy turns to his mother and asks, "mom, aren't we Africans, blacks, and colored people?" She says, "yes but today we are niggas." The boy turns in his seat to the Mexican boy behind him and says, " Haha, your gonna jump off before we do." The Mexican boy smiles and says ," that's what you think but today, I'm a wet back!" (sorry is this offends anyone)

3 guys on a plane 3 guys on a plane who had never met, found themselves sitting next to each other on row of seats on a flight to Pittsburgh. After they had all sat down and got a chance to look at each other, something was strangely coincidental ... they each had a black eye. The guy sitting in the isle seat speaks first and says, 'This is too crazy, we have to tell how we got these black eyes, I'll start. I was beginning my flight this morning and I went up to the ticket counter where there was a smokin hot flight attendant. I meant to say, 'Can I get a ticket to Pittsburgh?' But what I really said was, 'can I get a picket to TITSburgh?' WHACK! She punched me right in the eye. The second guy in the window seat says, 'Yeah, mine was kinda like that. I was at the club the other day and I was dancin with this fly chick. I meant to say, 'Hey will you go out with me some time?' But what I really said was, 'Hey will you go DOWN on me sometime?' BAM! right in the eye. The third guy says, 'Yeah mine was kinda like that too.' This causes the first 2 guys to raise an eyebrow. You see, the gentleman in the middle seat musta been pushin 80 years old. The old man goes on to say, 'I was with my wife this morning of 60 years. I meant to say, 'Honey can you pass me the milk?' But what I really said was, 'BITCH, you ruined my life.'' edit-gooder english

A blonde gets in an airplane... It is a one way flight to New York city and she sits down in the first open seat she sees. Moments later a man walks up to her and says, "umm, miss that's my seat." The blonde replies by saying, "Im blonde. Im beautiful and im going to new york." So the man goes to find a flight attendant to ask her. She goes up to the blonde and says, "mam, that is not your seat please move." To which the blonde declares, "Im blonde, im beautiful and i am going to new york." So now these people are frustrated, this lady just wont get up. The pilot over hears them talking and asks, "whats going on, is there a problem?" They tell him whats going on, and he asks, "is she a blonde?" "Yes, she keeps saying shes blonde and beautiful and going to new york." "Okay the pilot says, i got this." He walks up to the blonde and bends over to whisper something in her ear. She then gets up and moves to the back of the plane. The man and the flight attendant are astounded. "How did you do that, what did you say?" "Oh nothing really," the pilot says, "my wife is blonde so i just told her that the back of the plane is going to new york."

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

We're not African Americans today On a transcontinental flight, the plane started to go down. The flight attendant gets on the intercom and announces that there is too much weight on the plane. She says "we will be throwing people off the plane in alphabetical order according to race". The black family looks over at the mexican family and the white family next to them and starts to sweat. The black child looks up at his father and says "daddy, aren't we black and African American?". The father quickly responds "Hell no! The beaners and crackers are the first to go because today we're niggers". Alternate ending: The mexican dad and white dad start laughing and say to each other "poor nigger thinks that us wetbacks and whiteys are going first"

So a blonde gets on a plane bound for NYC... And sits down in the first class section. The guy whose seat she had taken, he goes up and tells the flight attendant there's someone in his seat. So the flight attendant goes over and says "Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to go to your proper seat" The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm headed to New York City." Confused and slightly taken aback, the flight attendant responds "Miss, you *need* to vacate this seat." Once again, the blonde says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm headed to New York City!" Just as the flight attendant is about to say something again, the blonde interjects, "I'm blonde. I'm beautiful. And I'm headed to New York City." So the flight attendant speed walks to the cockpit and says, "Captain, I need help. This blonde lady sitting in the front row has taken this gentleman's seat, and she refuses to leave!" Calmly, the captain stands and says, "Don't worry. I can handle this. My wife's a blonde too." He walks over to the blonde and quickly whispers into her ear. She gets her luggage, and sprints to the back of the plane. Shocked and amazed, the flight attendant and gentleman ask, "What did you even say!" With a grin the captain replies, "I told her that this part of the plane doesn't go to New York City."

While we're in the business of Texas jokes... A blind man decides to take a vacation. After talking to a few friends, he is convinced that he should visit Texas. He books his flight and soon after heads to the airport. He gets on the plane, and while finding his seat exclaims "Wow, these seats are much larger than normal!" One of the flight attendants turns to him and says "Everything's bigger in Texas." He arrives in Dallas and decides to try some local cuisine. He orders a BBQ burger, and after picking it up says, "Holy cow, this is a huge burger!" The waitress says to him, "Everything's bigger in Texas." Later that evening, he decides to stop at the hotel bar. He orders a beer, and when the bartender places it in his hand says "Goodness, this is a lot of beer!" The bartender says, "Everything's bigger in Texas." After a few drinks, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. "Down the hall, first door on the left." As he is making his way there, he mistakenly takes the second door on the left, which leads to the hotel pool. He falls right into the pool, and flounders about in a panic. He manages to swim up and as he breaks the surface, he screams "For the love of God, DON'T FLUSH!"

Choice A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Why would a porn site that only focuses on flight attendants be really successful? It only takes your left hand to type "stewardesses"

A blonde goes to Paris A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class. The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away. Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde's seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again. The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: "I just told first class didn't go to Paris."

A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight" After he gives his speech he forgets to turn off the loudspeaker. He turns to the copilot and says, "I'm gonna make myself a nice cup of coffee, drink it, and then fuck our head flight attendant" Everybody in the cabin hear this and a pretty flight attendant runs to the **cockpit** to tell the pilot about his blunder. A little old lady in the front of the plane sees her and says. "What's the rush darling, he hasn't finished his coffee yet!"

I've asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of crying baby next to me It turns out you can't do that if baby is yours.

A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane And the flight attendant says to him, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion."

A man brought a dead animal onto a plane... When the flight attendant asked what he was doing, he simply replied, "It's my carrion luggage!"

A Polish Joke: Translated A novice pilot was flying over the Pacific when he was overcome with terror, and called the stewardess into his cabin. \- Honey, in about 5 minutes we're going to crash and nothing I'm able to do to change the situation. Try, in a gentle way, to explain to the passengers. The flight attendant took it to heart and wandered to the passenger deck. \- Can I please have your attention, could I ask everybody to show me your passports? Thank you, and now can everybody raise them high above your heads and wave them around for me... Bravo. \- Now everybody grab it with two hands and break in this way to part them in the middle. Beautiful, thank you for your cooperation. \- Now wrap these passports really tight, so very tight and ... And shove it deep in the ass to make it easy to identify you once we crash.

So, a bored flight attendant tried telling a joke to his passengers... It didn't land well :(

So I was on a plane when the pilot makes his announcement.. "We will be arriving at our destination in 3 hours..." But he forgot to turn off the microphone and says to his co-pilot "Ahhh, I could really do with a BJ and a coffee right now!". So a flight attendant runs to the front of the plane and as she ran past I then said "HEY! Don't forget the coffee!"

The tale of two gnats So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does. "Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's riding faster than everyone else, it's the bar brawls that'll nearly do you in. This is the first time I've gotten a chance to think about it and I need to move." The other gnat pats him on the back and exclaims, "Well you're in luck, because I know how you can upgrade big time. Do you see that airport over there? Go over there and slip underneath one of the flight attendant's dresses and nestle in their pubic hair. It's warm, it's safe, if you aren't itchy she won't get rid of you, *and* you still get to see the world." Enlightened, the beat up gnat thanks him and flies straight over to the airport. One year later, the gnat goes on vacation to the same spot and sees the same gnat from before, beat up as like he was the first time. He flies over and asks him what happened. "Well," the beat up gnat starts, "I did just as you said, and by golly you were right. For the longest time I felt like I truly had a good home. Then one day, it was suddenly bright, I feel crushed, I heard lots of screaming, and the next thing I knew I was in some biker's mustache."

A man is sitting in an airplane waiting for take off... ...when the PA comes on. The captain says, "Alright everyone we'll be entering the runway in just a few minutes. Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take off." There's a small clicking noise, but the passengers can still hear the captain. He says to the other pilot, "Man, you know what I could really go for right now? A blowjob and a cup of coffee." A flight attendant gasps and immediately runs to the cockpit to tell the captain the microphone is still on. Right then the man in the back yells, "Hey lady, you forgot the cup of coffee!!"

A man is flying on a plane Lady Flight attendant: hello, would you like some headphones? Man: yeah I would, but how did you know my name was phones?

Slow Down Love 5 minutes before landing in Melbourne the pilot says to the passengers ' Good morning everyone, we hope you enjoyed your flight with Qantas. It is currently 14 degrees and cloudy. Have a great day' After the speech the pilot puts the mic down forgetting to mute it. So the other pilot goes on to saying... ' So what are u going to do when we land'? 'Well first im gonna get something to eat, take a shit then im gonna bang the blonde flight attendant at the back. The flight attendant runs to front trying to warn the pilot to turn the mic off when she suddenly trips over an old ladies hand bag. The old lady looks down and says. ' Slow down love he has to take a shit first'!

A pilot on a commercial flight is giving his usual landing spiel... ... "we are expected to arrive at 7:00PM, the temperature on the ground is 12 degrees, thank you for flying" etc etc. After he’s done, though, he forgets to turn the comms switch off. His co-pilot sighs and say to him, ‘so what are you up to tonight then?’ The pilot replies: “well first I’m going to take a massive shit, then I’m going to try and bang the arse off Heather, that hot new flight attendant we’ve got back there” Obviously the whole cabin hears this, and Heather is absolutely furious. Red-faced and extremely flustered, she stops what she is doing and storms towards the cockpit. About three-quarters of the way there, she trips and falls flat on her face. Now even more embarrassed, she picks herself up and apologises to the old lady next to her The old lady pats her on the hand and says, “there’s no need to rush, pet, he said he’s taking a sh1te first”

A young man on a plane is flirting with a nearby flight attendant... "Hey, wanna join the Mile-High Club? *wink wink*" The flight attendant responds "No thanks. And quite honestly, I don't give a flying fuck."

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to one another on a long flight. Bored, and thinking he could have some fun with her, the lawyer leans over and offers to play a game. "We take turns asking each other questions. If you cannot answer my question correctly, you must give me $10. If I cannot answer a question of yours correctly, I will give you $100. Deal?" The blonde agrees to play, and they exchange a few simple questions, both getting correct answers. Then the lawyer decides to ask some harder questions. "What year did Albert Einstein create his Theory of Relativity?" The blonde frowns for a minute or two, then reaches into her purse and wordlessly gives him $10. "Okay, your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" Stumped, the lawyer ponders for a while. It seemed like such a riddle, he even started asking other passengers, and the flight attendants. The blonde didn't protest, only sat in silence as he wracked his brain. Despite his pride being on the line, after about forty minutes filled with serious contemplation, the lawyer finally gives up and pulls $100 out of his wallet for her. "What was the answer, by the way?" He asked her. The blonde wordlessly reaches into her purse and gives the lawyer $10.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane... and the flight attendant says, "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one carrion."

Blonde Joke There's this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane" The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica" So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane. She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica". So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear. The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her. The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT The flight crew all showed up on time, all except for one brand-new stewardess. They called the hotel and she answered the phone, sobbing. “I can’t get out of my room,” she cried. “What... Why not? There are only three doors in this room. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other way has a sign hanging on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb'.”

What do you call it when a flight attendant gets pregnant? Pilot error.

So this blonde is at an airport... So this blonde is at an airport and she needs a flight to New York from California. She goes up to the desk and asks if there are any tickets left. The flight attendant tells her that she is very sorry but they are all sold out. The blonde begs for any way of her to get there. The flight attendant says they have a helicopter and asks if the blonde can fly it. The blonde says yes and goes to the helicopter. She hops in and starts it up, and it goes higher and higher but all of a sudden stopped and crashed. The flight attendant runs up and goes, "what happened I thought you could fly it?!?" The blonde crawls out and says, " ya I can but when I got up there I got cold so I turned off the ceiling fan."

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport. He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way to fly!’ Again, he is received with icy silence. He decides to go for one last gambit with Cathy Pacific. ‘Move beyond?’ The stewardess, fuming by this point, slammed down her paper, turned right to him and yelled ‘What the £¥%# do you want?!’ ‘Ah ha!’ the man cried in realisation. ‘Qantas!’

What language does a flight attendant speak? Plane English.

It was my first time riding a plane... I was so nervous, and it was showing I was very uncomfortable... A good-looking stewardess, approached me and asked if I was feeling okay, and If I needed anything. I said no, I was fine, it was my first time riding a plane and was just nervous. She smiled and said, "Ah perhaps you should listen to some music", then she walked away. So I took out my phone, and played A7x in full blast, which disturbed everyone around me, as I did not have any earphones. Again the flight attendant approached me and asked, "Would you like some headphones?" I looked up to her at amazement and shock and said, "yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?" (end) ba-dum-tiss I'll see myself out

[Flight Attendant]: Would you like some headphones? [Passenger]: Yes please, but how'd you know my name was Phones?

An older couple is leaving for a trip to Hawaii So today was the day. Dave and Margie were boarding the plane on their long awaited trip to Hawaii. They take their seats and the pilot announces "our trip today will be about 5 hours and the weather report is very good, so just sit back and relax". And not knowing his mic was still on the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says:" hey I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee right about now". Judy the flight attendant hears this and goes running down the aisle for the cockpit and runs past Dave, who then yells:"Mam!!!! You forgot the coffee" This was and oldie a friend of mine told me awhile ago.

What did the flight attendant say to the vulture who dragged two dead raccoons onto the flight? I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion

What did the football player say to the flight attendant? Put me in coach.

Did this ever happen to you? A plane was flying over the Pacific Ocean, filled with businessmen. Suddenly, one of the engines gave out, and the plane began to lose altitude. The flight attendant told the passengers to stay calm, it would not be a crash landing, but they would be lost in the ocean, and may never be found. Upon hearing this, one man began to laugh. They asked him, "Why are you laughing?" He said, "I owe the IRS $45,000. They'll find me."

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.... After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him. After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!" A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, but no coffee. "Hey, dumbass," the pigeon demanded after downing his drink, "another whiskey!" The attendant hurried to bring the pigeon the whiskey, but forgot the coffee. Upset at being ignored, the man decided to try the pigeon's approach. "Hey!" he yelled at the attendant. "Get me a coffee now!" A moment later, the door to the cockpit opened and the co-pilot came over. "We've had enough of you two." He grabbed the man and the pigeon and tossed them out of the plane door at thirty thousand feet. As they plunged downward, the pigeon turned to the man and nodded to him, "You know what, that was really gutsy, buddy, especially for someone who can't fly."

A bored flight attendant tried telling a joke to his passengers. It didn't land well.

Ugly Baby There's a woman flying on a plane with her baby. And one of the other passengers starts making fun of this woman's baby, going on and on about how ugly he is. Eventually, one of the flight attendants hears this. "Shame on you, saying such nasty things as that" she says to the rude passenger, before turning to the woman. "Ma'm, on behalf of American Airlines I'd like to apologize for that unpleasantness. We will give you a complementary meal for your troubles, and I'll see if I can get a banana for your monkey." [I know it's an old joke but I only found one version (a different one with a racist joke) on this sub]

When a pilot forgets to turn off the PA A pilot gets on the PA "Hello flight 828, we've reached cruising altitude, the seatbelt sign has been turned off" etc, that kind of stuff. Then a big plop is heard, and it becomes apparent that the pilot forgot to turn of the PA. Then the pilot says to presumingly the co-pilot, "Man, I wish I had a coffee and a blowjob right now..." The whole plane begins laughing quietly, and looking at each other with awkward expressions. From the back of the plane, a flight attendant begins running, clearly distressed, to inform the pilot the PA has not been turned off. As she reaches the cockpit, a man yells, so that the entire plane could hear, "AND DON'T FORGET THE COFFEE!"

Airplane Pilot One time I was on an airplane, and during the flight the pilot's voice came on through the plane's PA system. The pilot sounded like a friendly man, and he said, "Good afternoon everybody, this is your captain speaking. The flight is going well and we are on schedule, but we do expect a brief pocket of turbulence coming up so we ask that you do remain in your seats until the seatbelt indicator turns off. Thank you!" After a few seconds, the pilot's voice filled the airplane cabin again, except this time his use of the PA system was clearly not intentional. The pilot said, to his co-pilot, "You know what I could really use right now? A blowjob and a cup of coffee." The cabin grew restless, some people in shock, some people laughing to themselves. One of the flight attendants stood up from the back of the plane and ran up the aisle towards the cockpit. Then the man sitting across from me shouted out to the flight attendant, "hey sweetheart, don't forget to play with his balls!"

A man is served whiskey on a flight A man is served whiskey on a flight. The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too? Priest: I would rather be raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...

The in-flight movie is about to start. The flight attendant says, "Excuse me, would you like some headphones?" "Well sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?"

Engine failure A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing. After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"

A blonde goes on a plane to London and decide to sit in first class seat The flight attendant approaches her and asks her to move back to her seat as these seats are very expensive. She refused to move and said " I'm blonde,I'm beautiful and i'll seat wherever i want". Next comes the co-pilot and she responds the same... After a while the pilot approaches her whisper in her ear and immediately she got up and went back to her seat. The flight attendant and the co-pilot were so surprised and asked the pilot what did you tell her? And he answered "I told her,first class doesn't stop at London"

John Fogerty buys a first class plane ticket... ...as he's boarding the plane the flight attendant tells him that they are overbooked for first class and all of the seats are already taken. Not wanting to take a later flight, he tells the flight attendant "Just put me in coach"

New Note 7 has really nice travel perks.. Flight attendant asked what's in my bag. I said it's my new Galaxy Note 7 and charger. Then she became extra nice, asked me where I would like to sit, what I would like to drink, in which country I would like to land in.. amazing perks.

The first time I went on a plane, I was such a caveman about it. I got lost and sat on the wrong seat twice, I banged my head on the overhead compartment (twice) and walked right up to the cockpit door mid flight because I couldn't find the toilets, and the flight attendant got upset at me. Then, I left the plane at the destination and forgot to get my bag from under the seat, so I had to wait til everyone had left and then the FA wouldn't let me go back and get it, said she would get it for me. Asked me where I was sitting, and I didn't have my ticket stub, so I just said "In the back" and she looked at me as if to say "Well you sure as fuck weren't up the front, were you?" I cried at home and almost quit the co-pilot job the following day.

A little kid on a plane asks a flight attendant, "How come people can have babies, but planes can't have baby planes?" The flight attendant tells the kid that is a question for the pilot. She takes the kid to the cockpit and introduces the child to pilot and tells him to ask his question. The kid asks the pilot "Why do people have babies but planes don't have baby planes?" The pilot responds, "I can't speak for the other airlines, but this one always pulls out on time."

Best Smart Ass #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants... I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Héroes.

The flight attendant asked why I wasn't eating my food. I said that it was just too plane for me.

Heard this on my last flight with Southwest from the captain: It was an early flight, 3am to be exact. There were only a handful of passengers. A rather introverted man sat in the very back away from everyone else on board. While sitting there, early in the flight, the man heard someone whisper, "you are quite the handsome fellow". The man was puzzled and was looking all around to find who said it. No one was near him. A few minutes later, he heard the same voice whisper again, " you are so well dressed". Again the man looked around; no one there. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Once more, the voice returned. " do you work out, because you look like you work out." The man, at this point a little freaked out, waived down an attendant who had started beverage orders up front. The attendant came to the man and the man told him what was going on. When he asked "So where the hell is this voice coming from?!" The flight attendant smiled and said "Oh! Those are our complimentary peanuts!".

Seven indicators that you've chosen the wrong airline. 1. Ground crew seen using pennies to check tire wear. 2. Upon closer inspection, trendy desert-pastel paint job turns out to be primer yellow and Bondo pink. 3. Man with oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty overalls turns out to be the pilot. 4. Voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your hands and arms inside the aircraft while it is in motion. 5. Just before takeoff, the flight attendant offers coffee, tea, or Valium. 6. Air sickness bags are printed with the Lord's Prayer. 7. Pilot asks if anyone on board has jumper cables with them.

A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane.... A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his trousers and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. He sneezes again, unzips and wipes himself off with the handkerchief. The woman says, "Sir, that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane." He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing condition that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, says with sympathy, "Oh, you poor man. What do you take for it?" "Pepper," he answers.

TIFU by calling a flight attendant a stewardess. Man did he get pissed off.

"I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." During boarding, a first class passenger finds a blond sitting in his seat. After trying to explain she's in the wrong seat the blond just replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." A flight attendant is called over and asks to see the blondes ticket. "Mam I'm sorry but your seat is in coach. You'll have to move." The blond folds her arms and responds the same. "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." After the head flight attendant gets the same result they decide to call the caption. He explains that her seat is in coach and she must move. She replies the same. "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The caption then whispers something in her ear. She looks puzzled and gets up and moves to coach. "What did you say to her?!" "We'll my wife is blond and I know how to deal with them. I told her first class isn't going to New York."

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tiplight. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

I'll Pass On the Wings The flight attendant on the trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As the young man stepped forward, she playfully offered some to him. He passed, pointing to the Airborne wings on his Army uniform. He explained, “The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.”

Blonde flying to Houston, TX A blonde hops on a flight to Houston, TX. She sees first class sits down and thinks, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am." So the flight is about to take off and the flight attendant comes by and asks for the ladies ticket. "Mam, your ticket is for coach. You need to go back to your seat because this is first class seating." The blonde replies. "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am." Puzzled the flight attendant goes to the pilot and says "We have a problem, this blonde lady in first class wont go back to coach where her ticket is." The pilot then says, "My wife is blonde, let me take care of this." Pilot walks up to the blonde and says "Mam, May I see your ticket?" Blonde hands him the ticket. Quickly the pilot says to the blonde, "You might want to go back to coach, first class isn't flying to Houston." She quickly gets up and goes to coach.

An American, German, Russian and Muslim on a plane The flight attendant asks the gentlemen what they want to drink. The American says "I want a whiskey" The German says "I want a Jagermiester" The Russian said "I want a vodka" "And for you?" says the flight attendant to the Muslim "Nothing I'll be driving soon"

A Pilots Story Once upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me" The princess said, "No"! And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew fighters all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Belgian beer and forty year old single malt scotch and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftovers, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was unbelievably cool. And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The End