100+ Fish Jokes

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn. In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

So proud of my daughter for this one... "Why do fishes swim in salt water?" Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome. EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.

Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer" A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect. The policeman :" Tell me what happened. " The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? " Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? " Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Stanley... Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .” The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.” “What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

3 Jews are in a Concentration camp. The Nazi officer asks the first one "how high kan you jump"? "1 meter", says the first jew. The officer gives him some bread and water and asks the second jew that same question. "i can jump 2 meters high". "Not bad" says the officer and gives him wine and fish. The 3rd jew - thinking that he got the gist of the game - proudly announces that he can jump 4 meters high. The nazi officer shouts "SHOOT HIM HE CAN JUMP OVER THE FENCE"

So the Belgians are pissed... The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert. They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge. King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."

If you're thinking about killing yourself, just remember To become an organ donor first you selfish piece of shit.

Elderly couple An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

TIL the swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of, except for... ...the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

A boy is standing in a busy marketplace shouting, "Dam fish! Get your dam fish!" A pastor walks by and sternly says, "Son, you shouldn't be talking like that to everyone." The boy says, "Oh no sir it's dam fish, fish from the dam that I caught this morning. Not what you'd be thinking sir." "Oh very well in that case I'll be more than happy to get one." The pastor makes his purchase and walks back home. Once home he puts the fish down on the table and turns to his wife, "Honey, please cook this dam fish will you?" "Don't you dare start talking to me like that." Replies his wife in an annoyed tone. "Oh dear no, it's dam fish. Fish from the dam honey, not what you'd be thinking." The pastor elaborates. "Ah very well." Later, during their dinner, the fish is cooked and neatly presented on the table. The pastor looks at his son sitting across the table and asks, "Son, will you please pass the dam fish?" "That's the spirit dad!" The son looks up excitedly, "Pass me the fucking potatoes!"

A tale of 3 jews 3 Jews are in a Concentration camp. The Nazi officer asks the first one "how high can you jump"? "1 meter", says the first jew. The officer gives him some bread and water and asks the second jew that same question. "i can jump 2 meters high". "Not bad" says the officer and gives him wine and fish. The 3rd jew - thinking that he got the gist of the game - proudly announces that he can jump 4 meters high. The nazi officer shouts "SHOOT HIM HE CAN JUMP OVER THE FENCE"

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown. Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?" Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious." Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?" Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish." Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?" Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat". Edit: He will be happy to know you liked it! Not sure he would get the whole reddit front page thing though.

A boy comes home from a fishing trip with his father His mother says "how was the fishing trip, son?" The boy replies "i had a great time, every day daddy threw me out of the boat and I had to swim back to shore". Mom "That sounds horrible," The boy Replies "It wasn't so bad, the hard part was getting out of the bag".

What kind of fish is made from only two sodium atoms? 2 Na

Today I found out my wife can cook... She gave me a banana, which tasted like fish. I didn't know, she had it in her.

Irish fisherman It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' replied the old man. 'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth.'

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing... They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed. "I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?" "Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman "Yes." replies the fish. "Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes." "And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes." "Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."

What did the fish say when he hit the wall... Dam! 😣

If It Ain’t in the Ticket, It Ain’t My Problem I used to work IT support at a mid-sized company that thought it was a Fortune 500. We were understaffed, underpaid, and expected to be psychic. People would call or corner us in the hallway saying things like “Hey, my printer’s acting weird, can you swing by?” while we were juggling five tickets and trying not to lose our minds. Our manager, a guy named Curtis who had never touched a server in his life, brought in some consultant who told him we needed “more structure.” So Curtis implemented a new policy: No work gets done unless there’s a formal ticket. No exceptions. At first we were like, okay, whatever, more paperwork, but at least it protects us. Then Curtis took it further. He said if we did any task not in a ticket, even if it was five seconds to plug something in, we’d get a write-up. He called it “discipline for procedural drift.” Fine. Message received. The very next week, the VP of Sales—big name, big ego—storms into the IT office yelling that his laptop won’t connect to Wi-Fi and he has a Zoom call in ten minutes. I look up and ask, “Did you put in a ticket?” He goes, “No, I don’t have time for that, just come fix it.” I smile. “Sorry, we’re not allowed to do anything without a ticket. New policy.” He scoffs and storms out. Two minutes later, we get a ticket: Urgent: VP cannot connect to Wi-Fi. Fix ASAP. But here’s the fun part. The system had a rule. Tickets came in first come, first served, unless they were escalated by Curtis. Which this one wasn’t. So I tagged the ticket and slotted it behind six password resets, two printer jobs, and one guy asking how to insert a picture in PowerPoint. Meanwhile the VP is pacing like he’s waiting for a kidney transplant. Fifteen minutes go by. He calls Curtis. Curtis calls me. “You need to go help him right now.” I say, “Absolutely. Can you go into the system and escalate the ticket?” Long pause. “You know I can’t do that without a director-level override.” “Exactly,” I say. Forty-five minutes later, the VP has to call into his Zoom meeting from his phone. He sounds like he’s standing inside a fish tank. After the meeting, he comes stomping back in, furious. I point to the open ticket queue. “We’re happy to help,” I say. “Just waiting for it to rise to the top.” The next day, Curtis quietly changed the policy: “Tickets are still required, but urgent issues may be addressed immediately at IT’s discretion.” We kept the printout of that original policy on the office fridge for months.

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast EDIT: Holy shit guys, 2700?!

What do you call a fish with no legs? A fish

My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

I have goldfish named Major, Minor, and Diminished. I can tell them apart by their scales.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean... ... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there. The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here." The other two nod, slightly sympathetically. The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle." They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here." The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

Fish n' chips should always come with tartar sauce. It's basically codified law.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich The bartender says "wow, you don't see that every day! Man, what's your story?" Th duck says "I'm a welder at the construction site across the street. I'll be here for a few months while we finish the building," and picks up his newspaper and starts reading. The bartender obviously wants to chat with this miraculous duck, but the duck just ignores him and goes about reading his newspaper. This goes on for a few weeks, with the duck coming in after work, ordering a sandwich and drinking his beer while he reads his newspaper, until the bartender finally leaves him alone and stops asking questions. One day at lunchtime a guy in a suit comes in and sits down. "Give me a beer," says the guy. "Sure," says the bartender. "What's your story, mac?" and pours a frothy one for the man. "I'm actually an agent for PT Barnum and Bailey Circus," says the man. Just looking around town for a new act." "Man, do I have the act for you!" says the bartender excitedly. "There's this duck that comes in here every day after work - a real duck! He orders an sandwich and a beer, and reads his newspaper! He can talk and everything!" "That sounds like a good one, alright," says the man, finishing his beer. "Hey, I have to run, but when the duck comes in, give him my card," leaving his card on the bar. So the duck comes in after work, and the bartender says "Hey, buddy - I think I found you your next gig!" The duck says "Wow, thanks, man! Hey, sorry I've been a bit standoffish, it's just that days are long and hard over there. I really appreciate you looking out for me, and I'm always looking for my next gig!" So the bartender hands him the agents card. "This is a circus?" asks the duck. "Yep, that's right!" says the bartender. "A circus. Big canvas tents, clowns, the whole works. A circus." "Yes," says the bartender. "Why?" The duck shakes his head, puzzled, and says "Well, what in the world do they need with a welder?"

"Please baby, this is just one time," I sobbed as my husband kicked the door open, eyes bulging in disbelief. "We could always make more," I added sultrily as he fished the soaking wet bundle from the tub and between wails, tried giving it CPR.

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"... She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test". The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on." **EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that's so dumb it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it. I'd never heard it before, which apparently is some kind of crime according to the comments. Comment breakdown: * "This joke is so old, you're a terrible person for posting it" * "The way this joke really goes is something about a chicken/goldfish/Chinese apples not mattering" * "Why did you mark this NSFW?!" (hint: because I wanted to click the NSFW link for some reason) * Some stuff about my mom * Some comments about me being 12 (I'm 35 BTW)

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven... He knocks, and St. Peter opens the Gate. St.Peter: "Yes?? How can I help you??" Pope: "I wanna speak with God." St.Peter: "And you are ???" Pope frustrated: "I'm the Pope!!!" St. Peter: "Doesn't ring a bell." Pope very angry: "I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!" St.Peter closes the Gate and goes to God. St.Peter: "My Lord, there is someone who wants to talk with you." God: "Who?" St.Peter: "He calls himself the Pope." God: "Who is that supposed to be?" St.Peter: "I don't know, what should we do with him??" God: "Let Jesus talk with him, he spent some time down there." Jesus goes to the Pope. A few minutes later, Jesus returns laughing like there is no tomorrow. God: "What's so funny, son??" Jesus: "Father, you won't believe this, but that Fishing Club I founded 2000 years ago still exists!!!"

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

A woman and a man are lying in bed A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you." EDIT: Holy shitsnacks! Nr. 1 in /r/Jokes, again? Aww, you guys!

What do you call a fish with no neck? A regular fish. Fish don’t have necks. Annoying edit time: Alright, since this has over 1k upvotes, I have to say that my younger sister told me this Antijoke this morning, and I promised her I’d credit her if it got over 1k, sooo uhhh.. this is me doing that

What do you call a fish with no eyes? The reason we should stop dumping toxic waste into rivers

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle... A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi... ...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes. The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear". The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him." The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands. "Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

Need an access badge? OK, let's do that! While working for a utility, Safety/Security implemented a no- shirt-tailing policy for access doors...meaning you shouldn't let someone in w/out their access badge. I usually show up earliest in my dept., but one day, I was running a few minutes late, which put me on the same elevator as our Chief of Engineering, who usually shows up in the 3rd place in the morning. I showed off my badge, but not knowing whether he get laid off in the middle of the night, I wouldn't key the elevator to the correct floor. Hey big boss man, you'd better set down your briefcase, lunch, and your tote bag if you want the elevator keyed. Or, I'll just take the next one. It was such a classic watching the eyes roll as he set everything down to fish out his wallet. Hey big boss man, policy is policy!

While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves. I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”

Fun fact: Koi fish always travel in groups of 4. If attacked, the A B and C koi will scatter, leaving behind the D koi.

What did the fish say when it bumped something? fuck

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

Best salesman, ever! A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha." The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.65." "$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?" "Well, it went like this. First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles." "So let me get this straight." Said the astounded manager. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!" "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Friend, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."

I’m currently on a ”seafood” diet I try and mix it up by eating all sorts of different types of fish. It’s quite delicious and also a healthy style of living that I highly recommend!

The worst paid employee The IRS got suspicious that a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his staff, so they sent an agent to investigate. The agent climbed aboard the boat and said, “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” The boat owner replied, “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for three years. I pay him $1,000 a week, plus free room and board. “Then there’s this mentally challenged guy. He works about eighteen hours a day and does almost all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and every Saturday night I buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a dozen Budweisers so he can cope with life. He even gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.” The IRS agent frowned and said, “That’s the guy I want to talk to — the mentally challenged one.” The boat owner nodded and said, “That would be me. What would you like to know?”

I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

One mans fish is another mans poisson

This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share. A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is lucky he takes it to vegas. Put it all on 00 on roulette. Doing so the man hits it for a million. So he rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed. The man says wow, you've done so much for me I wish there was something I could do for you. The frog says kiss me so he soes and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl and I swear to god that's how she got there your honor.

- Dad, are mermaids fish or women? -It depends on if you are horny or hungry.

Bill Gates Goes Fishing Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge. "WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams. Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free. The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?" Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

I'm on a seafood diet I see food and, provided it's a fish, I eat it

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

Homeless Man I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain. it's probably because of all the indoor fins. (I'm nowhere near as sorry as I should be! 😹)

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole.. ..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says *"Gee Susie, what's going on?"* Susie says, *"I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"* Mr. Johnson asks, *"Why are you digging a hole?"* Susie replies, *"I'm burying my gold fish"* Mr. Johnson laughs and asks *"Why is the hole so big?"* Susie replies, *"Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".*

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na

3 Guys go on a camping trip... 3 guys go on a camping trip. They get to the campground, decide to do some fishing and go back to their campsite just before dark to set up their tent. The guy who brought the tent made a mistake and had gotten a tent that was quite small, so they ended up having to sleep side by side. The next morning, the guy on the left says "Man, I had an awesome dream, I dreamt I got a handjob by this hot ass chick" the guy on the right goes "Wow really? Me too!" The guy in the middle says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing." EDIT: Their places. Lol Thanks, I didn't catch that.

Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

Two whales There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it." "Okay," says the other whale. They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while. Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?'' The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

A priest is fishing at a local watering hole... A priest is fishing a local watering hole one afternoon and catches an odd looking fish. The guy down the shore explains it’s called a Sonofabitch fish. The priest is not amused but the fisherman swears it is correct. When he gets back to the church rectory the priest gives the fish to the groundskeeper to clean and says “Here’s a Sonofabitch we can have for dinner!” “FATHER!” he gasps, and the priest explains that’s the real name of the fish. The groundskeeper later gives the fillets to the head nun and says “You can cook this Sonofabitch for dinner.” “MY DEAR SIR!” she exclaims, and the groundskeeper chuckles and agrees it’s an odd name but is truly correct. That evening during dinner the pope himself stops in for a surprise visit and takes a seat at the table. “This is the most wonderful fish!” the pope exclaims. “I caught the Sonofabitch!” says the priest; “I cleaned the Sonofabitch!” barks the groundskeeper; “Yes, and I cooked the Sonofbitch!” announces the nun. Nodding, the pope looks around the table slyly and says “You know what? You fuckers are alright.”

Old man goes to a doctor... Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says: "Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar levels, your ECG is perfect... How is that possible?" "Well" old man replies "probably because I'm physically active. You see, I walk every day, I go fishing regulary..." "No" the doctor interrupts him "that couldn't possibly explain this phenomenon. This must be genetic. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?" "My father is not dead! - the old man replies - He's alive and well just as I am. We go fishing together." The doctor is gobsmacked. With a shaky voice, he asks: "How old is he?" "Almost a hundred. He married young." "Wow! This is phenomenal! Now, how about your grandfather? Can you remember how old was he when he died?" "He's not dead either! He's almost 120." Now the doctor is skeptical. "I guess he too goes fishing with you and your father?" "Oh, no, this week he'll be at home, he's preparing for his wedding" "He's getting married at 120?" "Well, he doesn't really want to, but his parents are nagging him..."

Honeymoon in Australia My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day... Give him a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them. I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try. 3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though. Maybe this strategy isn't for me...

A priest goes fishing...... ......and he lands a huge bluefish. The captain of the boat looks down from the bridge and says, "Look at the size of that son of a bitch!" The priest if horrified. "Captain! Your language!" "Oh......sorry, father. B-b-but that species of fish is actually called a 'son of a bitch.'" Satisfied with the explanation, the priest shows his catch to the Mother Superior. "Mother Superior," he says. "Look at this son of a bitch I caught!" "Father!" "It's alright. The captain told me this kind of fish is called a son of a bitch." "Oh, okay. Let me help you clean it." As they clean the fish, the bishop happens by. "Bishop! Look at this son of a bitch the father caught." "Mother Superior!" "It's okay. This fish is called a son of a bitch." The bishop sighs with relief. "Tell you what...let me cook it for you." The bishop cooks such a beautiful meal that they decide to invite the Pope to join them. After they eat, the Pope says, "Delicious! Whom do I have to thank for such a splendid meal." "I caught the son of a bitch!" says the priest. "I cleaned the son of a bitch!" say the Mother Superior. "And I cooked the son of a bitch!" say the Bishop. The pope looks back and forth between them, leans back, and says, "Damn! You motherfuckers are alright!"

A woman hiking in the woods finds a lamp, she gives it a rub and out pops a genie.. The genie says, "Thank you kind stranger for waking me from my 1,000 year slumber. For this I shall grant you any wish you desire." "I want a million dollars!'' she screams excitedly. The Genie nods, "It shall be as you wi-'' "No!'' interrupts the woman. "Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I want is for all wars to end.'' She drags forth a handy map of the world. "See these countries? They are scarred with ancient bloodfeuds. You should show them peace. Yes, that's my wish.'' "B-but ma'm, that's impossible! Their hearts are so hardened, and I would have to prevent droughts and hunger and disarm all threats..." pleas the genie, desperately. "Very well, since you're so tired, I guess I'll settle for something else. Now... I've been without a man for so long, and my last husband was nothing short of a rat, so I'd like a man. A man that does the laundry and the dishes and vaccuums the house. He must be gentle in manners but wild and talented in bed, and of course handsome and muscular. He must love me more than anything else in this world and tell me so each day with a bouquet of flowers. But most of all he'll have to understand me. Yes, that's what I want, the perfect man.'' The genie sighs, "Just give me the map already.''

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him. Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one." Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says.. ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

Why can't fishes find love? Because love is in the air. Fishes are in the water. My 9 yr old son said that.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? A couple calves, an ass, ten little piggies, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!

Why didn't Noah fish when he was on the Ark? Because he only had two worms

Three guys go fishing... Three guys go fishing. In the front of the boat is a cooler full of beer. The first guy stands up and says, "I'm a Muslim and we believe that God does not want us to drink alcohol. We also believe that God is watching us all the time. Since God is watching me right now, I will not drink any beer." And he sits back down. The second guy stands up and says, "I am a Jew. We believe that God created alcohol for us to enjoy. We also believe that God is always watching us. So I will drink a beer to show God how much I appreciate his creation." He gets a beer out of the cooler and sits back down. The third guy sits there for a bit. Then suddenly he jumps up, pushes the other two guys out of the boat and chugs two beers at lightning speed. The other two climb back into the boat sputtering and dripping wet and ask, "What was that?!?!?!" The third guy says, "I am a Southern Baptist. We believe that God does not want us to drink alcohol. We also believe that God is only watching us when other people are around."

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. My 8 y/o daughter told me this joke.

What do sea monsters eat? Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here Edit: thanks for the award

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A guy is sitting beside a lake, with a bucket of worms and a hammer. Another guy comes by and asks what he's doing. "I'm fishing," says the man. "How do you do that with just some worms and a hammer?" asks the second guy. The first guy replies, "Give me twenty dollars, and I will tell you." The passerby is most curious and hands over twenty dollars. "Well," says the first guy, "I throw a worm into the water, and as soon as a fish bites at it, I hit it on the head with my hammer." "Do you catch anything that way?" asks the other guy in amazement. "Oh yes," says the first man, "I've already made two hundred dollars this morning."

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin... It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

Two Irishmen were fishing in a lake... ...when one of them caught a strange-looking lamp. After pulling it off his line, a genie appeared and said, "None of this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so you better make it good." The man who caught the lamp blurts out, "I wish every lake, ocean, and river on Earth were made entirely out of beer!" The genie snaps his fingers and says, "Done." and then disappears. The other fisherman smacks his partner across his face and says, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!".

A fisherman comes home to his wife A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate. After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. "You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I'm starting to feel that you don't love me as much as you used to." The fisherman chuckles to himself before taking her hand and says, "My love for you hasn't changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!"

The Ultimate Computer The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?" Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?" There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: "Fishing in Florida." Little Johnny laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question." The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: "Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida."

Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf... Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf. Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green. Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks out and then chips his ball back on to the green. The old guy hits his ball out towards the center of the lake; just as the ball is about to hit the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it's mouth, just as the fish is about to land back in the water, an eagle swoops down, picks up the fish, flys over to the hole; shakes the fish and the ball falls right in the hole. Jesus says "Come on dad! stop fucking around and play golf!"

A guy walking into a bar sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk. “Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones. A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish. The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes." The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who reeled me in, you get to go first." "Alright," says the Russian, "I wish that all of the foreigners in Russia were gone." "It is done." "Now, I want a massive concrete wall surrounding all of Russia so that they cannot get back in." "It is done." "Finally, I wish that all Russians from around the world returned to their glorious motherland." "It is done." And with that, the Russian disappeared. The fish turns to the Ukrainian and says "Now for your wishes." The Ukrainian asks "Are all of the Russians in Russia?" "Yes." "Only Russians?" "Yes." "And there is a large wall surrounding all of Russia?" "Yes." "Then I wish for you to fill it with water."

When a fly drops 5 inches A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops. A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps. A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it. A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it. A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it. So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water. The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.

Dear Redditors. Sad news today. The guy who invented beastiallity drowned yesterday. He sleeps with the fishes now.

Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip... That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"

Balls A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated. The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Seaman, go get my hat!". His aide* jumps in the cold water and retrieves the admirals hat. He turns to the group and says "Now that, takes balls!". The Army general takes his hat off and throws it much farther than the admiral and says "Private, go get my hat!". The private does the same and retrieves his hat. "That gentlemen, takes balls!" Not to be out done the Marine general takes his hat off and throws it almost the whole length of the lake. "Marine, go and get my hat!". The marine retrieves the hat and with a big look of satisfaction looks at everyone and says "That takes balls!". The Air Force general had been quiet up to this point. Everyone turned to look at him. He took his hat off and threw it just two feet into the water. He turned and said "Airman, go and get my hat!". The airman looked at the general and said "Fuck you sir". With a huge smile on his face the Air Force general said "NOW THAT TAKES BALLS!". EDIT 1: had should have been hat*. EDIT 2: aid should have been aide*

Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing... There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.

Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof..... The first construction workers says, "I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof. The second construction worker says, "If my wife packed me cold pizza for lunch again I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there's cold pizza. He goes and jumps off the roof. The third construction worker says to himself, "If my wife packed me a fish sandwich I too will jump off this roof and kill my self." He opens his lunch and there is a fish sandwich. He follows suite and jumps off and kills himself. Later on the three wives meet at the cemetery after the funerals. The wife of the first construction worker says while crying, "If only I would have packed him a turkey sandwich he would still be here with me." The wife of the second construction worker is also crying. "If only I would have packed him meatloaf instead he would still be here." The third wife is just standing there looking frustrated with a more confused look. The other two look at her and ask her why she isn't crying and wishing she packed his lunch a different way. "Don't look at me the dumbass packs his own lunch."

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Poison the fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

Vegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

In medieval England, Sir Reginald says to his wife, “Sweeting, I go anon unto the tavern.” His wife replies, “My lord, thou must not! After all that hath befallen, thou didst swear to forswear drink forevermore.” "Hark, I must go," decrees Sir Reginald, "for I have weighty business with Sir Archibald, Sir Thomas, and Sir Gregory. But take heart, my love—I shall have naught but tea and a crumpet. Thou hast my word.” “Very well,” she says, "Then shall I expect thee home with thy wits about thee.” Sir Reginald enters the tavern and what should meet his gaze but an ENORMOUS DRAGON! He draws his sword at once and cries, “Fear not, good sirs! I shall dispatch this foul beast!” But his friends leap up and say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa—easy there, Sir Reginald. This is Valkor. He’s cool AF. We’ve been drinking with him this past hour. Sit with us and hear the dragon’s remarkable tales.” “Oh,” says Sir Reginald, sheathing his sword. “Carry on, then.” The four knights make merry with the dragon deep into the night. True to his word, Sir Reginald keeps to his tea and crumpets until the dragon turns to him and says, “What art thou, a wee maid? Have an ale, thou absolute codfish!” “Well,” says Sir Reginald, “a new friendship with a dragon doth call for some small celebration. One ale cannot undo me.” HUZZAH! Some ten ales later, the knights decide to take turns riding upon the dragon high above the village. Sir Reginald goes last–and being thoroughly hammered, he swoons mid-flight, tumbles from Valkor’s back, and falls to his death just outside the tavern. Valkor gasps, “Oh shit oh shit oh shit” …and promptly flees the realm. Sir Reginald’s wife arrives, wailing, “What in God’s name hath happened to my dear Sir Reginald?!” Sir Archibald bows his head and responds gravely, “He fell off the dragon.”