50+ Fairy Jokes

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art." Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile... In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?” “This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep. “Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?” “I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished. “Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!” “Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!” “Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.” Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.” Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder. The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. Suddenly, they see a fairy tied to a tree.. They both stop, look a the fairy and decide to help her out. They go over to untie her. Thankful for being rescued, the fairy offers them each three wishes. Bear immediately shouts: *“I wish I was the only male bear in the area! That’s sure to get me some ladies”* Rabbit thinks for a moment, and says: *“I’ve always wanted to be rich, make me a millionaire!”* The bear, still thinking with his little head, says: *“Actually, I wanna be the only male bear in the country, all the ladies will want a piece of me”* Rabbit doesn’t take long for his next wish, says he wants a brand new motorcycle, along with some gear. The bear, horny bugger that he is, decides that for his last wish he might as well go big: *“What the hell, Make me the only male bear in the world!”* The fairy obliges, and asks the rabbit what he would like his last wish to be. Rabbit puts on his gear, gets on his new Harley, smirks, and says: *“I wish the bear was gay”*

So Cinderella was crying... ...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have to bring me all the pumpkins you can find." So Cinderella set off to look for all pumpkins she could find and rolled them back. Then her fairy godmother turned 1 into a beautiful golden carriage, 2 into majestic stallions, 2 into a beautiful pair of glass slippers and 1 into the most elegant and gorgeous white gown you could ever imagine. But Cinderella kept on crying. "Why are you still troubled, sweetie? You've got everything you need to go to the ball!" "But I... I... I'm on my period now. I can't wear that white dress," replied Cinderella. "Don't worry honey," said her fairy godmother, and she turned to look at the garden, only to find the largest pumpkin left, which she turned into a tampon. And at midnight, Cinderella died.

My son mixed up the Tooth Fairy with Jack's magic beans. After planting his first lost tooth in the garden, a complete, very angry baby's head grew within hours.

As a joke, I left a note for the "tooth fairy" under my brother's pillow, offering to sell his teeth. The last thing I expected was for him to wake up screaming, a mouth full of blood and empty of teeth, with a fat stack of cash under his pillow.

Two women talking in an office. Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?" Woman 2: "Yes." Woman 1: "Was it good?" Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?" Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!" At the same time, their husbands are talking at work. Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?" Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?" Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

Who's the poorest person in West Virginia? The Tooth Fairy.

The farmer's only cow dies He doesn't know what to do anymore, so he hangs himself. The wife comes home, sees that her husband and the cow are both dead, so she hangs herself too. The eldest son comes home and sees the bloodbath. He goes to the forest to die. At the edge of the woods, he meets a fairy who says: "If you fuck me real good and cum inside me five times, I'll bring everyone back to life." The dude agrees, but after the third time he dies. The middle son sees what happened at the house too, so he also goes to the forest to die. The fairy appears again and says: "If you fuck me real good and cum inside me fifteen times, I'll bring everyone back to life." The guy agrees but after the tenth time, he dies. Finally, the youngest son comes home too. He sees what happened and runs to the forest to die. He meets the fairy who says: "If you fuck me real good and cum inside me twenty-five times, I'll bring everyone back to life." "Could we make that an even thirty?" asks the dude. "Sure." "Or maybe even forty?" "Certainly." "And can you take it?" "Of course!" "That poor cow said the same thing..."

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? Northern fairy tails start with, "Once upon a time," and Southern fairy tales start with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit."

My fairy godmother asked me "Do you want a long penis or a long memory?" I don't remember my answer

When I was young, at bedtimes... My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

Two Statues in a Park They are lovely, Romanesque statues, and mostly nude. One male, with a spear and shield, and one female, scantily draped in a robe, holding a jug of water. They face each other day in and day out. They are everything to one another. One day, the Statue Fairy comes to visit them (fairies are real, as you should know) and decrees that they have been very good statues, on the official Fairies' Scale of Statue Goodness (ratings from 1 to Excellent) and have earned, between the two of them, one wish. Of course the statues wish to be animated (but only for about an hour, since they do love being statues so much), and so the Statue Fairy grants their wish and flies back to Heaven where the Fairies live. Instantly the guy statue grabs the girl statue and they go running off into the brush. The bushes start shaking... Twigs are snapping... Small animals go running... There is grunting, moaning, panting - And the two come walking out of the undergrowth, hand in hand, sweat pouring down their faces. "That was *wonderful*," the man exclaims. "Yes," says the woman, "but it only took two minutes. What are we going to do for the other fifty-eight?" "Let's do it again," the man shouts with glee. "Okay," says the woman, "but this time you hold the pigeon, and *I* get to shit on its head."

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees... "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? ... A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

How did the tooth fairy get to the North Pole? On the Molar Express.

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball.... ....but didn't have all the right gear - suddenly her fairy godmother appears and grants her all her wishes... "But remember deary, be home by midnight, or else your vagina will turn into a pumpkin"... She agrees and goes off to the ball, has a great time and meets Prince Charming....... but he's quite dull, so she mingles a bit more and meets a very handsome young man. "Who are you?" She asks... "I'm Peter-Peter the pumpkin eater, say what time do you have to be home?" "Oh!", replies Cinders, "about three or four in the morning!"

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? A Northern fairy tale begins with," Once upon a time." A Southern fairy tale begins with, " Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

What do you call a gay dentist? The Tooth Fairy

Funny and offensive What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? Bingo machine. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap"

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm the jerk...

How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs? The toothfairy.

An old lady received 3 wishes... An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes. Well, now,” said the old lady, ”I guess I would like to be really rich.” *POOF* Her rocking chair turned into solid gold. ”And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” *POOF* She turned into a beautiful young woman. ”Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them. ”Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asked. *POOF* And there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could have possibly imagined. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear, ”Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

What do you call a gay dentist? A tooth fairy

Old Lady and the Fairy Godmother An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. “Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” *POOF* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” *POOF* She turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. *POOF* There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

A male fairy tale... A Male Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted babes and went rowing and watched rugby and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank Bell's, Castle and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pies and potato chips and baked beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.

A father tells his son it's time he learned about the birds and the bees. Upon hearing this, the son freaks out. The father looks on in puzzlement at his son's emotional metldown. "What the heck's the matter with you?" he asks. "Dad, when I was 8, you said we had to have a talk about the Tooth Fairy, and you told me she wasn't real. A little part of me died. A few months later, you said we had to talk about the Easter Bunny, and another part of my childhood was gone forever. Later that same year, we had the Santa Claus talk, and I never really recovered. And now, the birds and the bees. I swear, if you tell me grown-ups don't fuck, I'm going to kill myself!"

Cinderella realllyyy wants to go to the ball.... And begs Fairy Godmother to help. "Alright," Fairy Godmother says, "but only on two conditions. First, that you wear a diaphragm. Secondly, that you're home by midnight. Oh, and if you're not home by midnight, your diaphragm is turning into a pumpkin.' Cinderella agrees and Fairy Godmother sends her off to the ball. Fairy Godmother is watching the clock when midnight comes and goes. Around two, three in the morning Cinderella finally stumbles in looking all lovestruck. "Where have you been?!" Fairy godmother demands. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin hours ago!" "Oh I met a prince and he took care of everything." "I know of no prince with this power. I demand to know his name!" "I can't remember exactly... It was Peter, Peter, something or other..."

Three ugly girls go on a quest to change their ugliness... Their quest has them finding a magic swimming pool guarded by a fairy. "I all know your plight and now I present you the solution to all your problems! Just run and dive to this pool and while you're in the air, scream the name of the person you want to be as beautiful as and you shall get out of the water looking gorgeous!" The first ugly girl, desperate, then positions herself for the run. She then runs and as she dives, she screams, "SCARLETT JOHANSSON!" Splash! She gets out of the water as beautiful as her! The second one positions herself, then runs, and as she dives she screams "JENNIFER LAWRENCE!" Splash! She gets out of the water as beautiful as her! The third one, excited, positions herself, but as she runs, she slips, screaming "OH SHIT!" and lands in the water.

One evening, a man on his way home encounters an old hag saying she's a beautiful princess of a certain kingdom before, because of her unparalled beauty an envied witch cursed her making her looks like a hundred year old hag and to lift the curse someone must satisfy her sexual desires. The man being heroic help her to lift the said curse so he satisfy her sexual desires the whole night. A morning came and man noticed that old hag still looks like a hundred year old hag, he blurted "why are you still looked like that? You should've turned to princess right now", and the old hag replied "How old are you young man?" "30" "You're that old and you still believe in fairy tales??"

So a winged magical fairy visits Rome .... The fairy flies around a bit among the tourists before stopping in front of two classical and gorgeous greek statues placed beside each other - one being a scantily clad and muscled Apollo and the other beautiful and busty Aphrodite, the goddess of love and sex. The fairy looks on these two beautiful creations for a moment and with a smile and a wave of her wand the statues suddenly come alive! "Dear beautiful couple!" the fairy says. "You have been standing here motionless on your pedestals for thousands of years among the birds, through wind and rain and never been able to touch each other. Feel free to enjoy your freedom for five minutes before you turn into marble again!" Apollo and Aphrodite gaze in amazement at each other and immediately jump behind the nearest bush! The bush shakes and a lot of giggling and panting can be heard. Five minutes later they emerge smiling and satisfied from behind bush and walk onto the pedestal again. "Oh beautiful, lovely status" says the fairy. "How pleased and satisfied you look! I can't resist but to give you another five minutes to do with as you wish!" Hearing this Aphrodite then looks at Apollo and says to him: "Great! Now you hold onto the pigeon while I shit on its fucking head."

What's the difference between a black fairy tale and a white fairy tail? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"

When I was younger my fairy godmother asked me if I'd like a long penis or a long memory I forget my response.

The Marriage Fairy A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and *POOF!* She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and *POOF!* He was 90

swimming pool wishes At a swimming pool: Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, "Beer!" - and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, "Money!" and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, falling, yells, "SHIIIIIIT!!!"

The birds, the bees and little Johnny Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

Lawyer Riddle A high priced lawyer, a low priced lawyer and the tooth fairy are sitting at a table. There is a $20 bill in the middle of the table. All of a sudden, the lights in the room go off. When they come back on, the $20 bill is gone. Who took it? The high priced lawyer, because the low priced lawyer and the tooth fairy are figments of your imagination.

My Fairy God-Mother once offered me the choice of a longer penis or a better memory I can't remember what I chose

Bend over, little fairy... ...a wish is a wish.

If you ever see a troll eat a fairy It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.

What do you call a gnome that muffs a fairy ? Goblin....

When I was young I had a fairy God mother. She said I could have one wish, either a long memory or a long penis. I can't remember what I asked for.

Man Bun? or Douche Knot? neither, it's a fairy tail.

When is a Pixie not a Pixie? When its head is up a Fairy's skirt, then it's a goblin.

A fairy tale for men One day a handsome young man proposes to his girlfriend, but she says no. And the man lives happily ever after!

So, the day little Johnny is turning 12, his dad asks him the following question... "Little Johnny, do you know how babies are born?" The little boy, scared, answers immediately: "I don't wanna know! Please promise you won't tell me, dad!!!" The dad is really nonplussed, confused, and asks him: "But why in the world don't you want to know, Johnny?" Johnny, hiccuping and sobbing: "When I turned six, I was told the Easter bunny wasn't real. When I turned eight, I found out there are no such things as fairy godparents, mermaids or wizards. At ten, I found out that Santa was you. If now I find out adults don't fuck, I don't see any reason to keep on living!!"

A middle age guy is walking inside the forest. He saw an old lady on his way.... The old lady told him, "hey there young man, I am a princess from far, far, away land but I've been cursed and the only cure is if someone is going to have sex with me for an hour, no breaks. I will make you my prince once I got back my identity and we will live happily ever after ". The guy was hesitant but he haven't had sex in a while and he always wanted to be a prince. He immediately took off his clothes and did just what the old lady told him. After an hour, they were putting back their clothes on and the old lady was still the old lady he was talking to before. The guy asked the old lady, "So, when are you going to turn into a beautiful princess?". The lady asked the guy, "how old are you?" The confused guy replied "I'm 32?". "And you still believe in fairy tales?", replied the old lady.

A dude visits the fairy... ...hoping she could help him resolve his problem. Indeed, his dick was too big and he could never have sex 'cause every woman was too scared it would rip them appart. 'Oh, that's not my competence. Go visit the witch and ask her to marry you. Whenever she says "no", your dick will become 20% shorter.' The dude goes to see the witch and proposes. 'Witch, will you marry me?' 'No,' she replies. The guy's dick becomes shorther, but he thinks it's still very long, so he asks again: 'Witch, will you marry me?' 'I told you: no!' Things are starting to look good, but it's still a bit too long, so the dude asks one last time: 'Witch, will you please marry me?' To which the witch (haha) replies angrily: 'No, no, no and a thousand times no!'

White Fairytale vs Black Fairytale What's the difference between a black person's Fairytale and a white person's Fairytale? A white person's starts with: "Once upon a time." A black person's starts with: "Y'all muhfuckas ain't gonna *believe* this shit."

Fairy tales My granddaughter asked me, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time?” I said, no, some begin with "If elected, I promise to……………………"

Cinderella's Fairy Godmother The horribly ugly Cinderella really wanted to marry the handsome prince, but was afraid to ask him to marry her because elf her looks. Her fairy godmother told Cinderella, "don't worry, everytime the prince denies your offer for marriage, your breasts will multiply in size 3 times". Cinderella asked the prince the next day, and when he said no, her breasts grew 3 times the size. Discouraged, she asked him again, with him once again saying no. Her fairy godmother said not to fret, ask one more time. The prince responded, "no, no, 1000 times no". He never knew what hit him.

Cinderella Cinderella is getting ready for the ball and the fairy godmother warns Cinderella "if you stay out past midnight, your pussy will turn into a pumpkin!" 2:30 rolls around and Cinderella comes in. The fairy godmother asks her "so, what did the prince think when your pussy turned into a pumpkin??" And Cinderella responds: "I didn't go with the prince........ I went with Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!"

A man walks into a bar and saw something amazing It was a small, small man a little less than a foot tall playing the piano. He was running back and forth on the chair and pressing the keys with his arms over his head. The small man took a break and the man asked, "That's the most amazing thing I have ever seen. How's you learn to do that?" The small man responded, "Well I was awoken one night to a bright light. It was my fairy godmother and she said she would grant me one wish. Well, I think she was a little hard of hearing because when I woke up, I was an 8 inch pianist."

What do you call a gay guy who gives bad blow jobs? A tooth fairy.

My marriage is like a fairytale. I was charming and my wife was beautiful, Once upon a time...

A bear and a rabbit walk through a forest after walking for several hours they meet a fairy. The fairy says: „Each of you has three wishes, but be careful what you wish for, because i cant return them. The bear begins and says: „I wish every bear in this forest would be female, except me.“ wish granted. The rabbit then wishes for a red bicycle which he instantly receives. As it is the bears turn cds again he says: „I wish every bear in america would be female, except me.“ The fairy grants his wish again. Rabbit then asks for a blue helmet for his bicycle, which appears in,front of him. Being asked, what he wants for his last wish, the bear says: „I wish every bear in the whole world would be female, except for me.“ The rabbit is very annoyed by the bears wishes, so he says: „I wish the bear would be gay!“

What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water? One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.

A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him three wishes. The asylum seeker says "I'm hungry." (POW) a huge banquet appears! He then says "Now I want a nice house." (POW) a big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says "I want to be British." (POW) everything vanishes! He asks "Where has everything gone?" the fairy says "You're British now mate. You're entitled to fuck all."

Two guys were having a round of golf On the 13th hole the jack sliced the ball off into the brush way off to the left. Jimmy was laughing as he placed his ball for his swing and did the same thing way off to the right. They tell each other how much they suck and move on to find there balls. Jack was first to find his in a heap of buttercups. He starts swing to get his ball loose. Before long buttercups are going everywhere as he screams at his ball. Then POOF! a fairy appears filled with rage and tears and starts yelling "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! This was my home, this was my families home! As punishment you're not going to eat butter again for a year, no 10yrs! NO! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO EAT BUTTER AGAIN!" The POOF! the little fairy disappears. Jack thinks this is really odd, but guesses he can do without butter. He then proceeds to yell out to jimmy. Jack - "HEY JIM, WHERE DID YOUR BALL LAND?!" Jimmy - "IN A BIG BUNCH OF PUSSYWILLOWS!" Jack - "FOR GOD SAKE JIM, DONT SWING!"

Older joke told by my father in-law One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and Cinderella still hasn’t shown up. 130am, 230am go by, and finally at 3am she comes home. The fairy grandmother furiously asks Cinderella where she had been and reminded her that her pussy has turned into a pumpkin because she wasn’t back home by midnight. Cinderella replied “yes, I know and I was on my way home, but then I ran into Peter Peter the pumpkin eater.

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

A golfer makes a hole in one. A guy is out golfing by himself one evening. On a short par three, he makes a hole in one. As he takes the ball out of the hole, a fairy appears and says. " I am the hole in one fairy. I can grant you a boon, you can either shoot par on every round from now on, or you can become the greatest lover in the world." They guy thinks it over and says: " I think I want to shoot par." The fairy says: " you must have a pretty good sex life, how often do you have sex?" The guy says: " Maybe once every two weeks." The fairy says: "Is that all?" The guy replies: " For a priest in a small town, that's pretty good."

The huge penis incident There was once a man who had a ridiculously large penis. Everytime he wanted to make love to his wife, she would be in huge pain because it was too big and tore her apart. So one day, the man went looking for a solution to lose some size (ironic heh?). He found a very dark shop named "The Magical Problem Solver". "How convinient!", he said, as he entered the shop. The owner was a very old witch, and asked if he needed help. After explaining the problem, she said she couldn't help, but she knew of a beautiful fairy that would remove 1 inch away from your penis if she said the word "yes", but he had to be careful not to look at her directly, because she would enchant you and you would have sex with her. So he found this fairy and tried to make her say "yes". First, he asked the fairy: "Are you real?" and she answered "Yes. I am princess Eve from the heavens." The man lost an inch, but it wasn't enough. He needed to lose more: he asked: "You can reduce my dick by saying yes?" She said the word and he lost another inch; He accidentally gazed at her naked body and was hipnotized. They started the act, but unfortunately for the poor guy, she moaned a LOT. "Oh, yes! Give it to me! Yes, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!" *This could be better, improve it in the comments!*

What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale? What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale? White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"

I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ... Wife: \- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ... The husband responded: \- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

What's Tinkerbell's favorite drink during "that time of the month?" A Bloody Fairy. Sorry everybody.

Have you heard who's playing the lead role in Hollywood's latest fairytale movie? China's GDP numbers.

What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan? Taco Bell.

When is a fairy NOT a fairy? When its down your pants; then its a goblin!

Kid to his teacher Kid to his teacher: Miss, where do children come from? Teacher: A fairy comes and gives a child to the one you marry. Kid: Alright, then who would I screw, fairy or the wife?

Well they wanted gay jokes from me ... Some people wanted gay jokes from me: So lo and behold I did a small copypasta. 1.What do you call a homosexual dentist? The tooth fairy 2. How do 4 or 5 gay people walk? One direction 3. What do you call annoying gay man? A pain in the ass 4. How do you fit 3 gay guys on a barstool? Turn it upside-down. 5. What do you call a gay cowboy? A jolly rancher I hold nothin against gays, my bestie is gay. /r/jokes is best subreddit.

Cinderella and the watermelon Cinderella desperately wants to go to the ball at the prince's castle. Fairy Godmother appears and decides to help her. She uses her magic to create a coach trained by beautiful white horses and to make a beautiful dress appear in front of the young girl. Cinderella is very happy, but the fairy tells her: "You have to come back home by midnight, or your little pussy will be morphed into a slice of watermelon" Cinderella agrees, even if a little puzzled. She goes at the party, and dances all night with the prince. She has a great deal of fun. The clock goes, and it's almost midnight, so she tells the prince she must go at all costs. He stops her and asks her to stay a little while, in order to eat something refreshing, after all that dancing. He then claps the hands twice and four servants enter the room, holding a big watermelon above their heads. The prince unsheathes his sword and with a quick blow cuts it in slices, he then grabs a slice and puts his head in it, eating it with incredible ardor, making juicy noises and dirtying himself all over. He then asks Cinderella: "what time were you supposed to go home?" "Well, 3 , 4 AM, it doesn't matter..."

How did the tugboat get aids... It was rear-ended by a fairy.

My Favorite Fairy Tale The dog who cried woof

The Cowboy and the Fariy Godmother Once upon a time there was a cowboy riding out on the prairie and suddenly a fariy appeared and said to him that she would fulfill three wishes. It was hard to choose, but first wish would be that he was to become immortal. Pling it said and the fairy godmother said that now he was immortal. The next wish would be that his horse was immortal - and boing, now it was so, said the fairy godmother. Oh - what would it 3. wish be? - then he knew! I wish that MIN is as big as the horses! Pling - now this was request also met, then the cowboy rode up to the city. Here he met another cowboy to whom he said: "Try to shoot me." "No - I will not." "Yes - do it " and the other cowboy shot him - he fell to the ground -and pling- he stood up again. "Now try to shoot my horse "- The other cowboy shot horse and it fell to the ground - and pling stood up again. It was amazing said the cowboy- jah! but then you just see something that is even more amazing, he opened the zipper and pulled down his pants. "Shit" - said the other cowboy - "it's the biggest pussy I ever seen "!!!

Fairy Tale Beginnings How do you start a fairy tale in the modern era? "If elected, I promise..."

Which fairy tale character would be most likely to be shot by the police? An un-armed gingerbread man

My girlfriend kept asking to be treated like a princess (fixed) So for Valentines day, I surprised her with a fairytale trip to Paris. On the second night we dined at the most beautiful restaurant and after a few drinks I could see the love in her eyes, she was happy, a bit tipsy and giving me that "I'll deal with you later look". Excited, I requested the bill and we rushed to the car. We're messing around in the back seats and just as we're about to reach the end of the tunnel I stop, lock my eyes on hers, she lets out a little gasp as an empty Jack Daniels bottle rolls out from under the driver seat. The chauffeur is hammered, we're spinning out of control and smash into a bridge support killing us all instantly.

Presentation does matter.. No matter what the reality is..!!" Women chatting in office.. Woman 1:" I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ?? .. Woman 2:" It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ?? .. Woman 1:" Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale! .. At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.. Husband 1:" How was your evening.. ?? .. Husband 2:" Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?? .. Husband 1:" It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. .. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!! .. Moral:" Presentation does matter.. No matter what the reality is..!!"

I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well... I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.

Evil Genie and 3 wishes A man is walking down a deserted road when he notices a lamp laying off to the side. Knowing about what to do with a lamp from fairy tales he decides "why not" and rubs it. To his surprise out pops a genie who growls, " I will give you infinite power and wealth, but the rule is you have 3 tries to ask me to do something that I can not do. If I perform all 3 I will eat you!" The man confused said, "can you make a house appear in front of us?" The genie grins and casts a spell making a house appear out of thin air. "2 left," he jeers. Now the man is a little worried, but courageously asks, "Can you transform the house into a rabbit?" Once again the genie casts a spell and the house indeed turns into a rabbit, "you look delicious sir." Now the man drenched in sweat and so nervous lets out a loud fart and quickly shouts, "Paint it!" The genie explodes and vanishes never to be seen or heard of again.

Who is the poorest in England? The Tooth Fairy!

Man in the book store a man enters a bookstore and asks: do you have a book called " men- king of the house" gets a reply: No, we don't sell fairy tales here.

World War II. A tank's track got busted by a land mine... World War II. A tank's track got busted by a land mine, and the crew is hopelessly trying to fix it for the last couple of hours. Everyone's angry and frustrated. Suddenly a fairy appears out of nowhere. Fairy (casually): "Hey, guys, what are you all doing here?" The crew (pissed): "FUCKING, WHAT ELSE?! Bitch, can't you see the broken track?" Fairy: "Oooh, looks like hard work. Wanna have a *real* fuck? Bet you haven't had some in a long time..." The crew (cheerfully): "YEAH! SURE!!!" Then the fairy waves her magic wand ... ... and the tank's turret falls off.

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy!

What do you get when you cross a ghost and a couple of bees? boobies What do you get if you cross a daffodil with a crocodile? I don't know but I wouldn't try sniffing it! What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine? Ten feet of barbed wire. What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? A cockapoodledoo! What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes! What do you get when you cross the worlds best fairy tale teller and the worlds worst mammal A Whale of a Tale What do you get when you cross a blue cat and a red parrot? A purple carrot!

What do you call a fairy who doesn't bathe for a year? Stinker Bell

Lucky Fairy – Tooth

Lymph Node: Where special Fairy lives.

If I were a Clefairy, I"d DOUBLE-SLAP dat ass.

How do you REALLY piss him off? Punch him in the teeth & tell him the tooth fairy aint real!

A spike in Tim Tebow stiff arms caused the tooth fairy to go broke in 1997.

What is shaggy, has a wand, huge wings, flies at night, and gives money to Woolly Mammoths? The tusk fairy!

Valentine Love Story – Michael Young He pined for her so much after they parted that he contacted the airline and begged bosses to ask her to get in touch. They obliged and Juliet, 29, phoned him and they agreed to go out to dinner. A whirlwind romance followed and they are to get married next month. Juliet, who now lives with Michael in Manchester, said, ‘Every girl dreams of a fairytale romance and you couldn’t get better than this.’ Flybe’s Head of Customer Relations, Ella Jones commented, ‘Michael’s tale pulled heart strings so we played cupid.’

Paula worked for ‘meals-on-wheels’. One afternoon she took her daughter Tina with her and delivered the lunches to the elderly. Tina was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the walking sticks, triangular walkers, and wheelchairs. When they visited Mrs Evans Paula found Tina staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As she prepared himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, Tina merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy is never going to believe this.’

What did one vegetarian say to the other vegetarian? We have to stop meating like this. One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. ONE DAY,PRESIDENT OBASANJO SAW A MYSTICAL FAIRY THAT WOULD GRANT HIM ANY WISH.THEN THE PRESIDENT WISHED THAT HE COULD BE HANDSOME. THEN THE FAIRY SAID THAT HE ASKED FOR A WISH AND NOT A MIRACLE My son really upset my Grandad today: Kid says: "Grandad when are you going to turn into a frog" grandad:"What do you mean?" kid: "well dad says when you croak we are going to disneyland"

Schoolboy Howler The closest town to France is Dover, you can go by train or take a fairy. (David aged 11)

A True ‘Valentine’ Story – Michael Young He pined for her so much after they parted that he contacted the airline and begged bosses to ask her to get in touch. They obliged and Juliet, 29, phoned him and they agreed to go out to dinner. A whirlwind romance followed and they are to get married next month. Juliet, who now lives with Michael in Manchester, said, ‘Every girl dreams of a fairytale romance and you couldn’t get better than this.’ Flybe’s Head of Customer Relations, Ella Jones commented, ‘Michael’s tale pulled heart strings so we played cupid.’

Christmas Warnings 23 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. 39 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.