100+ Engineer Jokes

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

Don't want to pay 4 guys to not work for 6 hours? OK, you can pay 30 guys to not work for 6 hours. To make an already long story as short as possible, some background. I am a manager for a North American railroad, and a lot of our work involves different crafts of employees. Different crafts have different unions and different work rules. The managers of the other crafts and I work together well to get done what we need to get done, especially when some of the work needs to get done at night. The track guys can have a crew assigned to nights, while the signal guys can't. Even better, the signal guys who work overnight have to be let go after 12 hours, and if it's now their regular shift because they came in last night, they get paid the rest of the day to go home and sleep. Track guys have all three shifts, but we only have a day shift and an evening shift, but no night shift, because the big hats don't want to hire enough people to do it. Now, the company has decided that paying guys to go home 2 hours early on a Thursday, come in and work overtime all night at 10pm, and go home at 10am, getting another 4 hours pay to go home and sleep is the ending of all that is good and pure in the universe, and will eventually lead to the collapse of capitalism, the nation, and indeed the universe itself. So they decide that the second shift guys have to stay 4 extra hours, and the first shift guys have to come in 4 hours early. I point out that: 1) I can't force employees to work overtime unless it's an emergency, and the union isn't likely to agree that "we want to do this at night so we don't affect traffic" is an emergency. 2) Not all employees are qualified on the same things. 3) Since they took half of my trucks away 5 years ago (because savings!!) I don't have enough vehicles for an entire second crew to show up at 2am and relieve the guys working in the field so they can go home. The guys currently working will have to stop work, pack up the tools, drive back to the office, let the (smaller) relief crew load up, drive back out to the work site, do the starting paperwork and briefings, and begin the work. And most importantly: 4) That while we aren't there, the track guys can't work, because we have to keep taking things off of the rail so the track guys can do their work, and then put them back when the guys are done so we can run the trains in the morning. All of it falls on deaf ears, because the freckle-faced college kid (who opens every conversation with "I have an MBA, dammit") who has somehow gotten to a position where he's in charge of the estimates wants to complain about those 24 hours a night. So, after having gone on the meeting record for all of it, I get out of the kids way. I decide that if my boss isn't going to have my back, I'm not going to stop this inevitable disaster. After all, I have only been doing this for 27 years, but he graduated with a 3.6 GPA from UTEP, so he must know better. So, the first night, the job grinds to a halt like clockwork at 1am, the second crew shows up at about 4:15, and they get to work. The track folks pack it in, because by the time anything gets dismantled, there won't be enough time to get anything done and put it all back together to start moving trains by 7. Second night, the shift change was a little smoother, so they got out there at 3:45. Managed to get a little work done before packing up. Third and fourth night it rained REALLY hard, so the drive back to the shop and out to the jobsite took extra time. No work done after the new crew showed up at 4:30. Bright and early Monday morning we show up at our morning meeting to find that the track guys got about 30% of the work done that they'd planned for the week, and at this pace would finish a 6-week job more than 15 weeks behind, and over budget by more than 300% Mr. MBA proceeds to launch into his carefully-rehearsed speech about Key Metrics, Percent Spent vs Percent Complete, and all sorts of other nonsense. Then he decides to start in on me. Since I obviously conspired and colluded with my employees to "egregiously erode progress" for an entire week. I held up the meeting minutes from the previous week, told him in no uncertain terms that he had asked, in fact *demanded* that we have a full shift change in the middle of the track department's work. I looked across the table at him, and asked him if he wanted to revise that position. Completely unwilling to let this lowly *engineer* tell him what to do, he said no, and I was supposed to somehow magically make the shift change FASTER. Next 3 weeks were the same story. They've now been out there for a month, and have managed to accomplish just shy of a week and a half of work. Mr. MBA shows up on the site one night, just in time to watch my night guys walk off, watch the track guys shut down the machines and gather outside to smoke, hang out, and generally carouse, because they know they now have 3 hours to screw of

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing... After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too. Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

The Unemployed Engineer An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

An engineer dies and is sent to hell He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

I brought the company to a standstill to make a point I worked in the engineering department of a smaller manufacturing company (around 70-80 employees). My responsibility among other things was to handle any design changes; edit part and assembly drawings, bills of materials, etc. Previously this was all handled by putting together a packet of actual paper documents that had to be shuffled from engineering to manufacturing, sometimes ping ponging back and forth if we were doing something complicated that required input from various people within those departments. Eventually the company started to implement a software-driven procedure that was supposed to eliminate the stacks of paper that would sometimes get lost on someone's desk. The problem was that our bare bones staff didn't really have time to learn all of the ins and outs of the software, and refine the process to be truly efficient. Basically it was left so that if an item was entered into an engineering change order, it was locked down so that no one could build one, but also a customer couldn't even order one, or any machine that this item happened to be a component of until the change process was completed. Sometimes this could take weeks. I tried explaining several times that if we ever had to work on some item that is used in several of our products, this would bring everything to a screeching halt. My manager at the time understood this but could never get all of the people who needed to work on the software procedure to sit down and finalize everything. One day I was tasked with changing the design of a hardware component that was used in EVERY machine we built. I told my manager that as soon as I started the process, no one in sales would be able to enter an order for any customers until the process would be completed. He shrugged and said "do it", knowing that I was right. Within 30 minutes of getting started, a salesman came to my desk asking why he couldn't enter an order. I explained what was happening. He left, and soon after the VP of the company was at my desk asking what needed to be done. So I told him he needed to corral everyone needed to hash out how the software was supposed to work properly instead of the half-assed "just lock everything down" deal they left off with. He immediately called in whoever was on that list. It took a few days as I recall, and the component in question was expedited to be approved within the week. To this day I use this story in interviews whenever I'm asked one of those questions, like "Give me an instance where you had to solve a major problem in the workplace".

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

Blow a minor incident out of proportions? Dont mind if i do! I work as an engineer for a company that assigns me to various client projects. For one such assignment, I was added to a project that wouldn’t start for a few weeks, so in the meantime I stayed focused on other ongoing work. A few days before the project was due to begin, the external project lead sent me a ZIP file containing technical documentation: diagrams, requirements, and other materials relevant to the upcoming project. I skimmed through it briefly, then moved on with my day. Nothing unusual. A couple of days later, I got an email from the external company’s scheduling manager saying that “a document” had been sent to me which apparently contained some confidential company information, and asking me to delete the email. That’s it. No file name, no explanation, just a vague “please delete it.” I shrugged, deleted the ZIP file, and replied asking if they could resend it without the problematic part. Then I forgot all about it. That is, until I got a call from the most condescending, passive-aggressive person I’ve ever dealt witt, the scheduling manager from the client’s side. She went on a 30-minute tirade about how the previous project lead never should’ve sent me that document, how serious the situation was, and, most memorably, how she couldn’t trust that I had actually deleted it. I quote: “I can’t just take your word for it. I’m not just going to trust you because you say so.” Right. So at that point, I figured: Im done with you, If you’re going to act like I’ve just been handed nuclear launch codes, then I’ll treat it like I’ve just been handed nuclear launch codes. I said, “You’re absolutely right. I’ll contact our Security Operations team and report a formal security incident. They can coordinate with your SecOps team, and together we can do a full scrub of all relevant mail servers to ensure the document is completely gone. It’s really the only way to be certain.” Suddenly, her entire tone changed. “Oh no no no, that won’t be necessary. It’s fine, I believe you!” She practically stumbled over herself trying to shut it down. Because escalating this to both companies’ SecOps teams would’ve turned it into a bureaucratic nightmare: incident reports, compliance reviews, and probably someone getting thrown under the bus. I politely reiterated that I really didn’t mind escalating it if it would give her peace of mind. She very quickly decided she had enough peace already. We ended the call, and life moved on. if you act like I’ve compromised national security, don’t be shocked when I offer to treat it like a national security incident.

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". The man bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

An engineer goes to hell... An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

"We don't pay extra time if it's under 15minutes" - Okay, I can make it work I was a software engineer for a company and out of nowhere they implemented an eletronic control on our work time. Before that we would work extra on good faith, if I had to do 2 more hours one day, the next day I could get in 2 hours later without a problem. In the new system I had to clock in at 8am (if I didn't it would consider I was late and "lose" the entire first hour) and clock out at 5pm. With 1 hour lunch break. Work laws here in Brazil are different from the ones in the US and most of the posts here. If the company tracks your work time, they HAVE to pay you extra time on anything over 40hours/week. Sometimes I would get in a bit earlier like 8:50 or something and leave at 5:10pm. At the end of the first month I was surprised my extra hours were 0 ( on the previous system I wouldn't care, but they were the ones that decided to track this) . I decided to do some digging on how the tracking software worked and found out that anything less than 15 minutes per check in was completely ignored (99% sure that was against the law but I could work with that). From that day on guess who arrived 16 minutes earlier everyday. Came back from lunch 16 minutes earlier ( if I was done and had nothing else to do ) and left 16 minutes later. At the end of the second month management called me in to explain why I had over 3 times more extra hours than most of the other workers. I just told them to check their system, I'm not the one keeping track of that anymore. To my surprise they actually did pay everything that was owned ( I could sue and easily win) and DID NOT change how the system worked. I kept doing that for another 3 months before changing jobs to a remote one.

I have a phobia of over engineered buildings It's a complex complex complex.

My manager changed an annoying policy that mostly affects me The backstory: In mid 2022, I was hired almost fully remotely (as agreed by HR and hiring director) at my current job as a systems engineer. Part of my job is on-site data center support. For months, I didn't have to do anything because nothing really came up, but as time went on, I did more data center work. Not a big deal, because 2 of them are close to me by car. Fast forward to October 2023. Due to client requirements, daily IDF (a data closet with network equipment) and MDF (an actual data center) checks were required again. It was split up amongst all of the engineering teams, with me being the "lucky" one of having to do it on Mondays. My main coworker (now team lead) was over an hour away because the train to his area was down. With the express train and bus, I could get there in an hour. During the meeting, the manager stated "You don't have to stay in the office all day. This was approved by the director. You can go in, do the checks, and leave when you want." Great! I'd go in, sign into work while on the train and bus. Do the checks and anything else I might need to do, and then go home. This went on for well over a year. A couple months ago, my manager stated that if we go in, we have to stay in for the rest of the day. He didn't even have the audacity to tell us. My team lead had to tell us during a meeting and he thought it was complete bullshit too. I don't know the reasoning, but it's such a waste of time and worse for my work. Then I realized I could go in later in the day and then leave when I sign off work, at 3:30pm. Now I leave for the 12:30pm train to get to the office by 2 (90 minutes to commute). I do the checks and anything else that might need to be done, then leave at 3:30pm. One afternoon my manager calls me and i mentioned i was on the train. He asks "Did you start late today?" I said "No, just going to the office for the IDF checks like every Monday." He didn't respond, knowing I am still technically listening to his stupid requirement. My team lead laughed when I told him that.

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.” The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.” The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.” And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?” [Shamelessly taken from Malcolm Gladwell](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/the-engineers-lament)

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

Not a word from you about your resignation until I approve it! (Not in the US btw) I used to be an operations engineer on a 1-year contract in a small department. There were only 4 of us and the seniors absolutely hated doing additional work, so when there was additional networking stuff required as part of a new project, it was dumped unto me. I didn't mind doing it as I was learning new stuff, but the lack of appreciation from the rest of the team and being underpaid made me look for other jobs when my 1 year contract was almost up. Fortunately I was able to get a much better offer from one of my ex employers with about a month to go for my current contract. My current company never reached out to me to talk about renewing my contract, so I thought i'd just give them a heads up that I'm resigning and not renewing my contract. My manager at the time used to be an engineer like us but was promoted 6 months prior and was incredibly cocky because of that. I went into his room and handed him my resignation letter, told him I was resigning and would be happy to hand over my stuff and train the others before leaving. He takes a look at the letter, gets really pissed, and tells me he isn't going to sign and acknowledge the letter until he decides what date I'm allowed to leave. He said this will happen after he's found someone to replace me and when he's in a better mood, essentially trying to hold me hostage. "But, my contract only has 1 month...", before I could say 2 words he says NO MORE TALKING, DID U NOT HEAR ME SAY I WON'T APPROVE IT UNTIL I'M HAPPY! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A WORD ABOUT THIS FROM YOU UNTIL I'M READY!!! (Note this was very long ago where resignations via email weren't as common) I thought about explaining to him when he had calmed down, but decided fuck it, if that's what he wants then I'll comply. So I continued working for the rest of the month, with absolutely no handover done until the last day. On the last day of my contract, I head into his room and hand him my laptop, badge etc. "What's this?" "My stuff, today's my last day" "Stop fucking joking around, I told you that I haven't acknowledged your resignation letter yet. Which by the way, I've just decided your last day will be 2 months from now because we need to look for a replacement, train him up and get a proper handover before you can leave. So keep your stuff and get back to work" He gives me this incredibly cocky look like he got me. "Nope, my contract runs out after today. I'm not paid to work beyond that" "You...what?" "Yup, I've been trying to tell you from the start, my resignation letter was a courtesy since my contract runs out anyway, but u didn't allow me to talk" "You're fucking bullshitting me!!!!" "Nah go call HR and check, seeya!" I watch his face turn from anger and cockiness to shock as I walk away from his room. A few months later I find out that he got a stern lecture by the director even though he tried to put the blame on me, ended up hiring a network engineer that cost triple what they paid me, and breached multiple SLAs for the period before the new hire joined.

You demand to carpool in my car? Buckle up, cupcake! Was working for a biz as a principal firmware engineer, commute was an hour each way on the best days. Leased an EV which would barely get me there and home, but was carpool lane qualified. New coworker lived nearby and proposed that we carpool so we could use the carpool lane and save him maybe 20 minutes. Wasn't about to ride with him in his car, due to his poor vision and subsequent lack of situational awareness. He asked if he could ride with me in my EV. Declined as I didn't need him to use the carpool lane and his added extra bulk might exceed the limited range of that early EV. He complained to our manager, who demanded that I accommodate him. Be a team player for once doncha know? Decided to offer carpooling with him in my pumped up restomod '71 Datsun 240Z on a Friday morning. Turns out that he didn't like the volume of my music, the velocity of my car. He ended up taking an Uber home that evening and never bugged me about carpooling again. Yay team!

Remove incentive for overtime? Guess we’ll operate normal office hours. So after leaving university I was an engineer in a vehicle testing lab. My lab was a vehicle dynamometer which could be driven by a robot - robotic legs operating the car pedals so the car drives and stops. Robot keeps driving up to set speeds and stopping over and over and over. So we put “miles” on components and confirm they’re OK. So, policy when running robot driving is that I need to carry out a safety checklist of items every 24 hours of running. This takes about 20 minutes. If I don’t stop the system, it times out and brings everything to a stop automatically. Company at the time had a minimum 3 hour overtime logging policy - if you’re asked to come in on a weekend you log 3 hours pay OT as soon as you’re in the door. This worked well for me and IMO the company. I get 3 hours OT each day, the company gets 48 hours of progress. This was a long running policy and everyone was happy. I inherited a new manager and she HATED this. Thought I was stealing from the company and should only get paid for each minute I was on site. After a month or two she convinced the directors to remove this policy for me if I wasn’t working 3 hours. Don’t know how but she then found it “disappointing” that I wouldn’t drive 30 minutes each way 20 minutes of overtime on Saturday or Sundays. At the time I was paid £11.44 per hour (Saturday being 1.5x and Sunday 2x). So no, I’m not giving up 2 hours on Saturday for £10. It’s ok though, I’ll leave it running on Friday night and kick it off on Monday 👍. I left without them ever reinstating it, but always sent the many annoyed customers in her direction when being quizzed on why we lost two days of running over the weekend. At the time the facility hours were rated at ~£1000 per day in value add when running.

An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room... So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.

10 husbands, still a virgin. A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

You want me to resign? Well, good luck without me! Disclaimer 1: On mobile and English is not my first language, so apologies for any mistakes and bad formatting. Disclaimer 2: Labor laws in my country probably differ from labor laws in your's, so I'll try to explain them when they are important to the story. It is going to be a long one, sorry about that For the last 10 years I've been working from home as automation engineer for a relatively small company what produced custom-built industrial gas treatment units (industrial chillers, compressors stations, that sort of thing). My job was to write algorithms for PLCs, design HMI, and setting up data transfer for customers SCADA systems. Basically I was the person who told machines what to do. I was getting significant below market pay for such position, but with only 4-5 project per year and each taking me 2-3 weeks to complete, I wasn't arguing, since I was getting paid for mostly doing nothing and I was fortunate enough to have considerable passive income thanks to lucky investments of my inheritance. Everything was great until couple years ago, when owner decided to retire and sold the company. So here comes new managment with new policies. In my country every worker entitled to at least 4 weeks of paid vacation time per year all unspent vacation is rolled other to the next year, but you have to take at least 2 uninterrupted weeks per year, so if you only take your mandatory vacation, you accumulate 14 additional days per year. Given how much free time I actually had I rarely used more than mandatory 2 weeks per year, always making sure what there be no commissioning or maintenance planned during my vacation (During these events I would remotely access maintenance engineer's laptop to make neccessary adjustments to the algorithms, so everything works perfectly in real working conditions). But one of the first policies new managment implemented was schedule based vacations. So now O had to decide when I take my 2 weeks at the start of the year. I chose first weeks of April. In early March I get a call from manager of the development team who asks me to come on a quick 3 day work trip to help maintenance engineer switch plc and upload new project. Apparently thanks to new maintenance team manager a lot of maintenance engineers quit and they are short stuffed and the only one they can send atm is bad with computer. "Where isn't much for me to do, since we had identical station going through the same plc switch month prior, so I'll just fly there, chill, until electrical panel is rewired, new plc is installed, when I just upload new project to plc and fly home" - I thought for myself and agreed to go. Apparently maintenance engineer not only bad with computers, but also knows nothing about electrical work, so I had to do everything myself which I am not actually qualified to do, but at this point I don't want to disappoint client, who turned out to be a bunch of really nice people, so after a week and with only 3 burned down fuses I finished. After returning home I inform my manager what I am not going to any more business trips since I don't get paid enough to also do maintenance engineer's work. First say of my vacation comes and I get another call. Despite my poor judgment I decided to answer: - Hey, we need tou to go on another business trip starting next Monday, it will just take a week, it for *this project* - I'm not familiar with that project, it was done while I was on paternity leave (in my country either parent can take paternity/maternity leave up to 3 years and after first 6 months my wife asked me to switch). - Yeah, we had to contract a specialist to do that project while you are on leave, I'll send it to you along with documentation right away. *disconnects* I check recieved project and it is huge - 7 PLC's, 6 HMI panels, everything has to work as a single system, and project is a total mess, nothing would work, you just has to do everything from scratch, will probably take me close to a month to finish. And that is with doing everything from comfort of my own home where I am more productive. So I call back: - Yeah, I looked at this project and that's a mess, it's not in the working condition and no way to finish it in a week. I'll do what I can do, but as I said last time, I'm doing it remotely, as always, I won't go on another business trip, especially now, I have to many things planned for the next few weeks, I can't go. - But reception on site is terrible, you won't be able to access it remotely. And we already missed all deadlines on this project, client is pissed and we are looking at huge fines. CEO is breathing down my neck, we need it fixed yesterday. - Then I'll email maintenance engineer project with changes each eavning once he is in hotel with decent reception and he can email me list of things what need fixing, it's not the first time we done it that way. - Ok, I hear you, I'll have to speak with CEO abo

Manager said No OT My boss was fond of saying there was never a reason to be working after 5. If we couldn't get our job done in 8 hrs someone else could. I worked as a field service engineer. We still carried pagers in those days. About 4:50 he paged me. I called from a pay phone. Grumbling to myself that it was so late in the day. He starts to gripe about something. I forget what. Looking at my watch, I see it is 5:00PM on the dot. I hang up the phone, turn off the pager, and head home. Yeah, he was pissed. Next AM I got an earful. All while reminding him about the no OT rule he was so adamant about. It was really worth it.

Zero OT? You got it Years ago I worked in a meat packing plant as a supervisor. It had its ups and downs, but overall it's was good. Until a new production manager was hired. We'll call him Bob. Bob didn't come from the floor, or even leadership. He had an engineering background. Whatever, I'll try to keep an open mind. Well my mind was only open for about four and a half mins. First day, first time meeting, he declares he's going to "right the ship" Sure thing boss, right that ship that is already sailing in the right direction. He declares that going forward there will be no more OT. He states we are pissing away money with the amount of OT we pay. I asked for clarification "what about vacation coverage? Sick calls? Etc.). He replies "No OT! No exceptions!". Sure thing boss man. Now I should point out, the department is work in is massive. My direct team at that time was 70 people. There were other rooms that other supervisors looked after for a total of 220ish employees. Now I'm assuming all of you reading this are infinitely smarter than Bob and have figured out that with a team that size, we dont just get one sick call, we averaged seven per day. Vacations? 10% of the workforce was our cut off. Usually we hovered at 12 people a day. Not to mention leaves of absence, people leaving early etc. So, on Friday I went to Bob one last time. I let him know that we are going to be short 19 people next week and ask once more for him to approve OT. I got a flat no in response. I considered going above him, but i figured letting the guy drown would be better. I didn't ask for OT. Employees were coming up to me "boss, are you sure there's no OT next week?" Yes I'm sure Bob wants it that way. Come next week. Two production lines aren't running. Bob comes to me upset demanding to know why two of the lines aren't running? Is is mechanical downtime? No bob, i have no one to run the line. He stammers something about staffing appropriately and having better planning. "I asked you multiple times to approve OT, you said no each time. I was just following your direction". Cue the angry storm off. with him yelling "get some fucking people in here!" Anyways, I then have to call people at home and schedule OT for the rest of the week because Bob sunk our ship instead of righting it. I couldn't staff those two lines that day. For those wondering, not running those two lines that day lost the company $120,000 dollars (no I'm not exaggerating). Bob gets a strip torn off him by his boss a guy I've known at that time for 10 years. He came and spoke to me about it outside (we both smoke) "what the fuck was he thinking? I thought engineers were supposed to be smart?" I choked on my cigarette laughing. Bob lasted about three months.

What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic.. An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

guess you can call my dad an engineer he just hits things until they work

Tasked with defying the laws of physics This happened years ago. I was working in engineering and fabrication and my CEO was a classic micromanager who was also a salesman. To him “the customer is always right” even when the customer has no idea what they’re talking about. We had a project where a customer requested a custom-built sheet metal rack to hold several heavy bottles. Their sketch showed a V-shaped piece to cradle the bottles. But these bottles are heavy, and a V-shape (especially out of thin sheet metal) would inevitably start to deform under load due to the force distribution. I proposed an L-shaped design instead. It wasn’t as “aesthetic,” but it would distribute the weight better, resist bending, and still securely hold the bottles. The customer was fine with this once I explained the mechanics. But then my CEO jumps in. “No, we’re going with the customer’s original idea. Make it V-shaped. They wanted a V, they get a V. I don’t want to explain why we changed it.” He was actually visibly anxious that I wasn’t planning of giving the customer their exact design. I pushed back, explained the issue again, and reminded him the customer already accepted the L-shape — but he doubled down. “Follow the original request exactly” So… I did. I built the V-shaped piece, precisely as requested. Installed it. Placed the bottles on it. Within 24 hours, the V started to deform. Sheet metal bowed outward, and the whole structure looked like it was wilting under pressure. The customer called us and said, “Yeah… maybe your engineer had the right idea.” Guess who had to fix it? Me. Guess what design we went with the second time? My original L-shaped version.

My boyfriend said he doesn't feel anything sexually and asked me for help. I said, "What can I do? I'm just a computer engineer." "Oh, come on," he said, "you can try." "Okay," I said. So I slowly unbuttoned myself, removed my bra and shirt, and started unzipping. He was starting to get turned on... and then I immediately stopped. "WTF?" he said. "Just trying to turn you off and on again," I replied.

Sure thing boss every single log will be on your desk in physical form I work for a medium sized engineering firm and my manager is one of those old school guys who thinks that if something is on a screen it basically doesnt exist. He has this massive distrust of our digital tracking systems and cloud logs even though we use them for literally everything from Revit file syncing to server up-time monitoring. Last week we had a minor sync error that caused some work to be lost and he absolutely lost it during the morning meeting. He shouted that he was tired of "invisible data" and decreed that from now on every single automated system log and error report had to be printed out and placed on his desk every morning for his "personal manual review". The IT lead tried to explain that the server generates thousands of lines of code every hour but the manager just waved him off and said he wanted to see the paper trail because paper doesnt lie. I saw the look on the IT guys face and I knew exactly what was coming. Since I am the one who handles the BIM coordination and the project logs I decided to follow his order to the absolute letter. I went into the settings for our automated reporting tools and changed the output destination from the internal dashboard to the heavy duty plotter and the industrial laser printer in the main hall. I also disabled the filters that usually strip out the "heartbeat" pings which are basically just the server saying it is still alive every thirty seconds. I showed up an hour early on Tuesday to collect the harvest. It was beautiful. The laser printer had run through three entire reams of paper and the plotter had spat out about twenty feet of continuous logs because I formatted them to print in a single long strip for easier reading. I stacked it all up in a massive teetering pile that was about two feet high and walked it into his office. I had to move his coffee mug and his family photo just to make room for the Tuesday morning report. He looked at the pile and then back at me and I just smiled and told him that these were the raw logs he requested for the last twenty-four hours and that I would have the next batch ready by 9 AM tomorrow. He spent the entire day in his office and I could hear the ruffling of paper through the thin walls. Around 3 PM he came out looking like he had aged five years and asked if there was a way to just get a summary. I told him that per his specific instructions from the meeting we were no longer using summaries because they count as "invisible data" and we had to maintain the full paper trail for accountability. He didnt say anything and just went back inside. By Thursday morning the pile on his desk was so big he actually had to work from the small round table in the corner of his office because his main desk was completely consumed by logs. Friday morning he sent out an email officially reinstating the digital dashboard and told us to "use our best judgment" on what needs to be printed. I still have a few rolls of plotter paper ready just in case he changes his mind again.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Not allowed to take vacation days from overtime all at once or on fridays? Got you! So a few years back when I was working for my previous company as a commissioning engineer (about 60% of the year of field service, 40% office), I had accrued about 10 days of not yet planned overtime by beginnig of october. We were allowed to use that overtime as vacation days, which made sense for me because I'd have pay a hefty amount of taxes on that money otherwise, and i didn't particularly need that money. So at some point my then boss calls me to his office to tell me I should plan when I'd take those days, with the requirement to not take them all at once and not on fridays for the rest of the year. Since I had already planned 3 weeks of vacation from vacation days during christmas, he probably had some things in mind. His intention about the "not everything at once"-part probably was to not have me missing for 5 weeks at once. The intention about the "not on fridays"-part probably was to not have me going home from any possible field trips every tuesday evening. So I sat at my desk and started thinking about if I should use those days in a way of 2 times a full week of vacation or some extended weekends beginnig after wednesdays. Looking through my calendar which wednesdays I would be best to use, I had a brilliant idea. Wednesdays. 10 weeks in a row. Adding to that 3 weeks during christmas. So starting the next week, I didn't go on any field trips for 3 months. Safe to say, my boss wasn't particularly happy, but did not say a word since his requirements were fully met.

There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry, when you have a cock like mine... Camera man, light and sound engineer, make up artist or even production manager.

Okay then, I won't help I'm sure lots of people have stories like this - and here's mine I'm retired now after a long IT career. Like most such folks I worked as a software developer for part of this time earlier in my career. For a time I worked for an engineering firm that produced a lot of architectural drawings and blueprints as part of the design process. I was the dev lead and primary designer for a new system to track drawings as they moved through the development and review process. To get to the point, the new system was launched to mostly good success and heavy usage. As with all new systems, people had a learning curve. As it was not a huge company, most of the user community knew me. We also had a "help desk" whose job theoretically included providing user support for this new tracking system. However, the company had ignored my repeated requests to let them spend meaningful time with me to learn the system well. The user community quickly realized the help desk was useless so they would call me directly. I was fine with this - I always found helping the user community my favorite part of my job. Word came down to me that I was to direct all such calls to the help desk. Frankly, I ignored this at first, but after a while it was made clear I could not. So, I complied. That did not go well for the users. They basically got no help. Took only about 3 days for word to come back that I could help people again and time was set aside for me to properly train the help desk folks.

You want to fix our working hours? Our contracts have something to say about that... Early last year, we had a new manager take over the department. He previously headed another IT department in Germany, but moved to Switzerland to take the role in ours. Our team is spread over Switzerland, Spain, and Mexico, with 2nd line in Spain and Mexico, and 3rd line in Switzerland and Spain. It was a few months before he started making changes and they were mostly small; we had to record how much time we spent on tickets, provide weekly updates on our changes and projects, and our monthly department meeting became fortnightly. It meant a bit more bureaucracy here and there, but it was mostly fine; nothing excessive. But, about six months in, he made a change that none of us really liked. While Switzerland and Spain are both in the same timezone, in reality, our times don't really line up. Employees in Switzerland will start at any time between 07:00 and 08:30, while Spain can start later than 09:00. Lunch in Switzerland is often from 11:30 to 12:30, while Spain will wait until 13:00 or later. Home time in Switzerland ranges from 15:30 to 17:30, while the team in Spain will often be online until 18:00. This means that meetings between the 3rd line teams usually take place between 09:00 to 11:30, and 14:00 to 16:00, i.e. about 4.5 hours a day. Outside of those times, you risk people not having started yet, having already gone home, or being out for lunch. This is what our new manager didn't like. While he couldn't really do much about lunch times, he saw the opportunity to align our start and end times. After reviewing people's calendars, he determined that enforcing an 08:00 to 17:00 working day would cause the least amount of disruption to our schedules. This would increase the number of hours where we're all available by 2 per day, or 10 per week. When he told us about the change, none of us were happy. Even those that wouldn't be impacted, because it already aligned with their usual start and finish times, were annoyed on behalf of those who would be impacted. When we asked why the change was being made, we were simply told it was about us all being online together more. Some people complained that it would impact out of work commitments and we were told he would make allowances, but only temporarily. One guy said that he only takes a 30 minute lunch break, so this would mean he goes over his weekly hours. The manager said he would look into that. Then an older member of the team asked if he had run it by HR. The manager said no, this isn't something he needs to run by HR. The same guy then asked if we would have to start recording our hours. The manager said no, this has nothing to do with recording hours. Turns out the manager made a mistake here. You see, in Switzerland, by law, employees need to record their working hours and employers need to retain records to ensure compliance with labour laws. There are, however, a few exceptions. Smaller companies can simply record the number of hours worked each day. Meanwhile, senior employees can be exempted from logging their hours if they meet a certain salary threshold, and their role allows for autonomy in the hours worked. All the engineers on the team based in Switzerland had signed this waiver. It wasn't uncommon for us to work 11 hours on one day, and then 5 hours on the next. It wasn't uncommon for us to work 30 hours in one week, then 50 hours the next. We never recorded these hours. We never explicitly told our team leaders or manager. It was simply understood that some days (or weeks) would be busy and, as we managed our own time, we would make up for it later. We were trusted to manage our own time. And, if we didn't sign the waiver to exclude us from logging our hours, it would create a mess for overtime, time off in lieu, etc. But one of the conditions for signing this waiver was that we were free to determine the majority of our working hours, which courts had clarified was defined as 50%. If we are contracted to work 40 hours a week, then our employer can fix 20 of those hours, and we can choose when to take the other 20. The manager had now fixed 100% of our hours. We were no longer eligible for the exception granted to us. For us, we could continue working the dictated hours and, legally, we would be fine. But, if someone reported our employer to the government, the company could be fined and potentially be forced to log all employees' working hours, or lose the ability to file working time waivers, i.e. engineers couldn't work out of hours to perform maintenance and updates. The impact to the company could be huge. So the guy that asked the question went straight to HR and informed them of the manager's new policy. HR, recognising the legal risk that such a policy could create for the company, went straight to the manager's director. The policy was put on hold later that day. On the Friday of the same week, another meeting was hel

What list? So many years back I was buyer and material controller for a company that produced very specialised tech, as happens with such companies we were bought by a larger company in our field & merged with another similar company the big guys had bought the year before … much drama there but not this drama It finally came time for our production department in our own building to be closed & everything moved to the big companies facility, the entirety of our stocks& equipment was cherry picked for what ‘big co’ wanted transferred & the rest was written off Stock was transferred signed out from our shop floor & counted in to theirs, but when it came to the giant pile of written off assets, test gear & other tooling I was told specifically not to bother listing any of it & they would sort everything at their facility, scrap what they didn’t want, and keep any tool or test kit that passed their higher standards So I didn’t & then the queries rolled in ”when all the test gear came down, did they take ‘that multimeter’?” “no idea” “Well did the screwdriver set come here?” “Can’t give you any helpful info! Sorry” “What happened to the racking?” And the only truthful answer I could give was that when the transport came up to collect the reject pile, the guys took everything that was still on the shop floor & as I had been specifically instructed to no longer track or control the movement of any of that expensive gear … I hadn’t I had specifically not noticed if any staff or engineers dropped by to see the sad end of our production floor & I made a point to not see them walking off with anything

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

Three engineers are riding in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer. The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road. "Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time." "Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two." "Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"

Don't touch my Garbage! hey all, friendly neighborhood Trash-Panda here (the giant kind, not the bandit kind, it'll make sense in a minute). backstory: i work as a sanitation engineer with a primary focus on residential communities (i'm a garbage collector for houses (see, it makes sense now)). our collection is handled "automatically", our trucks have a hydraulic grabber that we control from inside the cab to grab carts and dump them into the truck, we generally do not need to get out of the truck, we're not manually lifting and tossing garbage, it's a pretty easy gig. what most people don't realize is the RULES for garbage collection, there are A LOT of rules placed on homeowners/residents: what materials are acceptable, size limitations, if your garbage bin lid isn't fully closed, and a "big" one is bin placement. all bins need to be 1 meter away from, basically anything else, parked vehicles, other bins. this is to ensure ease of using the hydraulics to grab the bins, and also to prevent possible damage like scraping someones car or busting a headlight or something. generally this isn't an issue in that, with a bit of practice you get good at grabbing bins even if they're parked right beside each other, or we'll just hop out of our truck, move the bin a little so it's easy to grab and then move it back. reasoning for this is 1: we're not Aholes, and it's just the nice neighborly thing to do since myself and most of my colleagues live in the same community we work and 2: it's actually A LOT of paperwork for us to fill out for violations, so it's significantly easier to just take the 30 seconds to move the bin then the 5 minutes to do all the paperwork to issue a violation ticket. story: we service a community that does both garbage and recycle on the same day, 2 bins, 2 trucks, 2 drivers. most residents will put both bins side by side touching each other (a violation) so what we'll do is which ever truck gets to the location first will grab their bin, dump it then move it maybe a foot or 2 away from the other driver's bin so the second driver has an easier time grabbing it, it saves time for for us, and makes things run smoother. and we don't get complaints from people.... until we do. a resident complained that we were "moving her bins" and word travelled to the higher ups myself and my colleague got disciplined, instructed to places bins back "exactly where we got them from" and then were monitored via our dash cams for a few weeks to ensure compliance and out supervisor would take a trip out to the specific resident who complained after our shift to ensure the bins were not moved. not appreciated being discipled so severely because someone had to take 2 extra steps to get one of her bins we complied to the letter with her request. unfortunately for her she had a habit of placing her bins side by side, which is a spacing violation. so for 2 MONTHS, every week we would get to her residence, bins are side by side, so we can't grab them due to not enough space, fill out paperwork for a violation and place the violation ticket on her bins, and not dump her bins, she finally got the hint after about 2 months and started spacing her bins 3 feet apart, and never complained about us moving her bins again. she also had to pay several small fees for extra pickup, since by the time she figured it out she had several bins full of garbage and regulations are 1 bin dump per resident, anything extra is a not insignificant fee per extra bag. TLDR: woman complained that we moved her garbage bin while collecting her garbage despite us bending the rules to dump her garbage, so we followed rules to the letter and she lived in trash for 2 months. \-edit- fixed words Update: i have a new story i posted [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/1przoni/dont_touch_my_garbage_redux/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). - fair warning, it's not satisfying in the least and does not have a happy ending.​

Under supervised Back when I was working in an FAA facility doing repair and overhaul we had a boss who wanted to control everything. This boss came to us from the production side and did not understand why we were reactive in our work versus scheduled like production. Repair and Overhaul is just that, we repair or overhaul parts that come back from the field, so cannot schedule it more than the customer lets us know it is broken and we say send it in type thing. Not the point, not the compliance, but giving you a little of how the mindset is. Anyway, about a month after said boss comes in, we have a customer representative who is talking to engineering regarding the product I was working on. The customer had a question regarding a specific failure we continued to see, and wanted to talk to the technician (me) about it. So engineer brings customer to me, and I answer customer rep's question. Should be easy, right? Wrong! Boss says I did not have the authority to answer the question and that customer should have been brought to him or Quality Assurance (QA). At the next morning stand up, boss reiterates to entire group that no one is to talk to anyone not a part of our company without either boss or QA there for conversation. I asked for this in writing, and got an email within minutes after the stand up. Fast forward about a month, I am not talking to anyone without boss or QA and we have an ISO 9001 audit. The audit is scheduled, and somehow when the auditor is on the repair floor no one is around but me, so naturally I get audited. Should be easy, right? Auditor asks me what I am doing. I reply I am not allowed to talk with personnel who do not belong to my company without my boss or QA present. Auditor asks me if I know who they are (I do, they introduced themselves as they came up to me.) I let them know I have been given instructions and cannot talk to them. They ask me if I can show them the instructions. I had sent the email to the printer as soon as I knew I was going to be audited, so asked auditor to please wait one minute and went and got the email. Auditor thanks me, and leaves. Next morning at stand up, boss comes in with regional management. Boss apologizes to us technicians and lets us know we are allowed to talk to people from outside the company without boss or QA. I raise my hand, boss says email has already been sent. Found out from boss' aide, boss was put on PIP (personnel improvement program) for this.

A man rubs a magic lamp, and a genie appears. "You get one wish," says the genie. The man thinks and says: "I’m scared of flying and boats. I wish for a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can drive there." The genie rolls his eyes. "Do you have any idea what you’re asking? That’s thousands of miles of ocean, structural engineering beyond belief, billions of tons of concrete and steel… come on, man. Wish for something else." The man nods and says: "Alright… then I wish to see the Epstein client list." The genie pauses… swallows hard… and says: "Two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Documentation will save your cookies So, I was a contractor in a Government office. My background is extensive starting with multiple engineering degrees, and many years of designing, building and operation of Remotely Operated Vehicles (ROV's). There was constant personnel churn in the office, and the contractors were the corporate memory. It's an interesting situation, I always likened it to a feudal society. Staffers (direct Government employees) were the royalty and contractors were the serfs. Sometimes it was bothersome, but the position paid very well, so that was some benefit. Most of the time, the staffers knew they were in way over their heads and gladly accepted our advice. A woman staffer arrived one day as head of the department that managed our outside service contractors. Typically, I played a large advisory role in dealing with these folks as someone familiar with the industry and able to call bullshit if you will. Well, this woman decided that I was conspiring behind her back with the contractors virtually on the first day there. Why, I never knew, but it was what it was. Luckily I didn't answer to her, I answered to a guy who in a former life was a member of Seal Team 6. Basically a trained killer, Great guy, he liked me a lot, and we got along well together. When the foo foo started, he pulled me aside and said, "document everything you do". So I did as he suggested. I had a notebook in OneNote that I would record whatever I did that involved this woman, including her increasingly anti-social behavior towards me. We would be in meetings, and not only would she not look at me, when I asked her direct questions she wouldn't answer. Several times, this happened and then there was this dead silence until someone else spoke. About this time we got a new division manager who was very.... personnel "sensitive". He was a PhD type in an operations role and completely out of his league, so he regressed to what he knew, making the office "kinder and gentler". This was quite a challenge as we had an office full of ex-Navy types, and they weren't exactly used to being "kinder and gentler". In a short period of time, the woman in question had skewered 5 other males in the office in her short tenure, with the result of them departing the office. Both staff and contractors. I would have been her 6th if she had had her way. So, there was a lot of concern about my position. My boss was in my office one day talking about the latest anti-social behavior demonstrated by this woman. He made a comment, "boy, I wish I had documentation of all this". I laughed, went to my computer and printed off a 20-page dissertation on all the stupidity. His eyes lit up. Come with me, he said. We went into the office of the new director and my boss gave him my dossier. It took him a bit to read through it all. I had used the word "harassment" (which turned out to be the magic word) in description of many of the episodes. He said, I think harassment is too strong a word for this behavior. I asked him if a contractor was exhibiting this behavior towards a staffer, what would you call it? He didn't answer the question. About a week later, the woman was reassigned to a different organization. I always say, it's not good to go head to head with a trained killer.... LOL

Yes sir, only as you say. My manager was new to the company, and I've been here over 18 years and pretty well run my area solo. We are a high end production facility, and I'm part of the incoming quality/test engineering team. I always stay well ahead of production, along with performing my other task. I consult with the production and inventory supervisors daily to ensure I know what's on the horizon and have anything they will need ready well ahead of time. I also get request from the development engineering group to test new products during development. All this requires strategic planning and the ability to shift direction at any time to keep a flow going. In steps this new manager, we had issue from the first meeting, seems he doesn't like being in a room where he isn't the smartest one there. So, after a few weeks of getting to know the place, he send an email, "No one can alter Oxxavier's schedule without going through me first. I will set his priorities and work hours going forward." I knew exactly what this would do to my balanced flow. Sure enough, the next week we had two produce design qualifications, and a customer surprise arrival to watch the testing. My manager left strict instructions that I was to remain on production material only. No one could get in contact with him. He had signed out as a "work from home" day, but he wasn't answering any of the numbers he had given. Turns out, they did eventually track him down at the local park, with his kids. But not before the customer had left, mad and frustrated. The next week he called me into his office, and he had the gall to try to write me up for not testing the product when the client arrived. I handed him a printed copy of his email, and insisted that the "write up" be witnessed by a member of the HR team. He reset the meeting for three days later, giving him time to prep the HR rep to his side of the story. First question she asked was why I didn't test the products when asked, and I handed her the email. "I was told if I violated this new policy he created I would be written up. So I followed it and still I'm being written up. I would like to file a harassment complaint against this manager." His voice cracked as he stammered out, " Now, let's just slow this down a bit." The HR rep knew she could ignore my charges, even if she didn't agree the company requires all harassment claims to be investigated. The meeting ended there. The harassment claim was documented as a verbal warning. And for the last two years he won't engage with me at all, he won't even let me know when we are having a staff meeting, I hear about it the next day from the others. Suits me, the less I see of him, the better.

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store... As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars... As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that" Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing" So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?" The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!" Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!" The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it... He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too... The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?" Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

Starting salary. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was  a clever idea.So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. ”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

All in on Python... You got it! This might be a bit long but it needs some set up. TLDR: New manager decided that Python was the only language to be used in a C/C++/C# software team. Productivity drops to zero. Manager is no longer around. Preface: Please don't bash any programming language in the comments. This is not a post about the merits of various programming languages. It's just a story of what happened. I worked for a VERY long time at a small company that created some niche products. The company had a lot of scientists and engineers around to develop and refine the products this company made. Over the years, the people in the science and engineering departments changed but I still stuck around. They paid well and I got a lot of time off. I also only had to work 40 hours per week, which was nice. My job in software was to support the production of equipment. I wrote custom software that calibrated and configured the devices. At the click of a button someone could run the software with minimal human interaction needed. When I started I was the only developer. By the time I left, there were four developers. That should give you an idea about the size of the company. Not large. But profitable. At the beginning of my time at the company, each piece of software was originally developed by a scientist or engineer. Each and every one had their own pet language they preferred to use. They would start the software and, when they felt that it was ready for prime time, they would hand it off to me. I would then make it actually ready for use. This included things like error handling and streamlining the user experience. Also finding the massive amount of bugs that were in the code. This also meant that originally the company used dozens of different programming languages. Towards the end of my time with the company, they had decided they were going to mostly focus on Windows computers. So we used primarily C derivatives (C, C++, C#) and web technology (Javascript, HTML, CSS, PHP). There were other languages floating around but this is what we mostly used. All four of us were proficient in these languages and I was the only one that could handle the edge cases of old programs from before this consolidation. By the time of this story, we had been using these languages for nearly a decade. For most of my time at the company, we had worked under the Engineering department for a person that wasn't really a software manager. So we were left to run ourselves. One day the company decided they needed to hire an actual Software manager. So they found one that came with excellent credentials. He had a lot of experience managing software teams. He actually came in and didn't change things right away, for which I was grateful and held out hope that it would all work out. Then came the fateful day. One day he pulled us all into a conference room and told us that company would be making a shift. One of the scientists was complaining that they couldn't understand the software we were writing and needed to be able to edit it. So, instead of teaching the scientist C and such, we were going to, shift 100% of all new code to Python. Starting immediately. Any new code written needed to be in Python. I brought up the fact that none of us knew Python. I was told that we could take classes in our own time on our own dime if we wanted. I pointed out that learning a new language would slow down our delivery of software. Python isn't hard so I had no doubt we could get there. But we had libraries written of common code that we just plugged in when needed. None of those could be used. In fact, we had to figure out how to plug Python into existing programs that needed updates. Any updates had to be done in Python. And, not only that, all our code had to be "Pythonic". Meaning that it had to be done in the proper way for Python and not utilizing techniques that would technically work in Python but weren't necessarily the "correct" way in Python. Any code we did write had to be submitted to the complaining scientist to verify that it was "Pythonic". Which most of it wasn't. So, we did exactly as we were told. All of us stopped writing in any language except Python. Everyone stopped working and started writing very simple programs to figure out how Python worked. I was working on a plug-in for an existing program to try and resolve some U/I issues. However, I really struggled with this because the U/I was written in C# and the new code had to be in Python. When I brought this up, I was rebuffed and told it MUST be done in Python. So I was trying to figure out how to change an existing C# U/I by using new Python code. Our productivity dropped to zero. Not a single bit of software made it to production for the few months this manager was around. After a few months of nothing at all getting done, he decided to leave the company to pursue other opportunities. We weren't told that they fired him. But I'm sure that's what happened. Af

Second-class consulting engineer Years ago, I worked as a consulting engineer at this company with a very tightwad CEO with multiple sticks up his butt (everyone else was super nice). I engineered a machine that shipped to the Far East and was asked to go onsite to startup the system. This was in the northeast in February. I parked on an offsite parking lot to save my client the expense of parking at the airport and flew out on a cold, clear day and landed at my destination many, many hours later. I spent 2+ weeks working long, long hours to start up this machine. So many hours that I felt bad for my client and decided that I would not charge OT. Fast forward to my departure - I asked for limo service home because the car was frozen solid and I’d flown some 20+ hours and was severely sleep deprived. “Nope” - only full-time employees get limo service. Consulting engineers have to drive themselves decreed the CEO. I decided to charge full OT to the letter for every hour over 8, especially the all-nighter I pulled while there. It was the most expensive $80 limo ride he never paid for…

Need an access badge? OK, let's do that! While working for a utility, Safety/Security implemented a no- shirt-tailing policy for access doors...meaning you shouldn't let someone in w/out their access badge. I usually show up earliest in my dept., but one day, I was running a few minutes late, which put me on the same elevator as our Chief of Engineering, who usually shows up in the 3rd place in the morning. I showed off my badge, but not knowing whether he get laid off in the middle of the night, I wouldn't key the elevator to the correct floor. Hey big boss man, you'd better set down your briefcase, lunch, and your tote bag if you want the elevator keyed. Or, I'll just take the next one. It was such a classic watching the eyes roll as he set everything down to fish out his wallet. Hey big boss man, policy is policy!

Understanding Engineers Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

2 engineers on a bike two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."" the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Three Engineers are having an argument... The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body." The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system." The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. Well, the engineer arrived in hell and found it very hot - so he installed air conditioning. He also found it dry - so he installed clean running water. He then thought it was a bit dark so he installed decent lighting. The devil was very pleased and rang St. Peter to gloat 'thanks for sending me that engineer, he has made hell a really nice place'. Oh dear' said St. Peter (that was the nearest he got to swearing) 'if he can tame hell I must have made a mistake. Send him back up here.' Naturally, the devil refused so St. Peter said 'if you don't I will sue you'. The devil just laughed and said 'Where are you going to find a lawyer?' Edit: corrected mistyping

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer? An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed. The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. This time the physicist is the only one home. The physicist gets out of bed and sees the fire. He looks at the wall and sees a fire extinguisher. He then goes back to bed happy knowing that a solution exists.

Guy walks into a bar The bartender goes, "Hey, you're a Muslim, aren't you?" The guy goes, "Yeah, how could you tell?" The bartender says, "Well, okay, so, I know this is 2020 and everything and we're all trying to be really politically correct and not assume things, but I'm still somewhere on the curve, and I'm learning, but, well, you've got brown skin, a beard, and I could overhear you speaking in either Urdu or Arabic outside, so, yeah, I assumed. I'm sorry. Was that racist?" The guy says, "Since Muslims aren't a race, that wasn't racist. But that was you stereotyping, which in most circumstances wouldn't have been cool, but I've had a really long day and I couldn't give a damn. Can you pour me a beer please?" The bartender says, "Forgive me, but isn't drinking prohibited in your religion?" The guy says, "Well, yes, but I thought we were in America." The bartender says, "You're right. You're right. You can drink here. But I'm just wondering, like, I don't know much about that culture and that lifestyle. Will you feel guilty after drinking this beer?" The guy says, "I've drank beer plenty of times. You see, I'm what you might call a moderate Muslim. I'm not perfect. I've had premarital relationships with a couple of girls. I've eaten the odd pork pie every now and then. And on weekends I drink. I'm a Muslim, but I'm also very much a citizen of the Western world, where these things are okay. Does that answer your question?" The bartender says, "So I do not have to feel guilty about pouring you this here beer?" The guy smiles. "About as guilty as you'd feel for pouring the same drink to a Jewish person, a Christian, or a Hindu." The bartender smiles back and hands him the glass. The guy takes a sip and smacks his lips. "Thank you for this. I've had a really long day. There's this MERN stack app that I've been developing, and it's been really taxing. I haven't slept in more than eighteen hours." The bartender says, "You're a web developer?" "Yes," the guy says. "And I drive Lyft on the side to supplement my income. I'm not really that great of a web developer." "So where are you from?" The bartender asks. "North Carolina," the guy says. "No, I meant, like, where are you really from? Like where did your family come from?" The guy frowns a bit and takes another sip from his glass and puts it down on the bar. "Now that I mind. Why would you think we came from anywhere?" "Oh, I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that I was wondering where your family immigrated from," the bartender says. His face is a bit flushed. "That's all right. Okay, so I was born here. In North Carolina. Born and raised in Raleigh. My dad moved here from Pakistan. He's a systems engineer. My mom's from India. She'd come here for her Master's. Does that answer your question?" "Pretty much. So you're an American," the bartender says. "As much as you are," the guy says and raises his glass. "I'll drink to that," the bartender says and clinks his shot glass with the guy's. Later when the guy takes out his wallet from his pocket to pay, the bartender shakes his head and says, "It's on the house. And listen, my friend, I'm a democrat. I would have voted for Obama a third time. And I'm not Islamophobic or xenophobic at all. You're welcome here anytime." The guy smiles and shakes the bartender's hand and says, "Only if you let me pay for the drinks from now on. I'm not one to trigger your white guilt for free drinks." "This is dialogue. We need more dialogue like this to heal our country, to bring people together. You know?" the bartender says. "You're very right, sir," the guy says and tips his cap to the bartender. Guy walks out of the bar. ​ Edit: Oh my God, thank you everyone for your overwhelmingly awesome response. The comments made my day, this is the most upvoted any post of mine has ever gotten, and I got my first award! Thank you u/kirkaug for the award. Very cool. You're all awesome. This was the best day of my life.

One explanation for the gender wage gap is that men typically gravitate towards higher paying jobs like doctor, engineer, CEO... ... While women tend to gravitate towards lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO. All credit to Jeremy McClellan @jeremymcclellan on Twitter and crosspost from r/standupshots Edit: I just made checked, and this subreddit is r/jokes right?

Drillers will only Drill. So back in the late 80's I started as a driller helper at an engineering firm small but very family like not part of any corporation. I learned the ropes and when one of the drillers quit. I was tested on all the rigs. We had 3 main B53, B50, and a B40 Unimog these are all-terain carriers for soil exploration and monitoring well drilling. I passed all testing and was promoted to driller. Drillers were guaranteed 40hrs week, if not on the drill we got payed to sit around. That got old real fast for me, so I started doing some tech work. Breaking concrete test cylinders, the hanging out in the lab learning and doing laboratory work sieve studies, hydrometer studies, elasticity tests on soil. Even started riding with and doing tech work. Would also run plans around to different dot offices and such. This went well until the owner decided to retire and sell the business. Next thing you know a management firm was buying us and called their first company meeting to layout their expectations. 1st thing they took away was the driller guaranteed 40hrs. If you didn't have a drilling job you waited at home till you did. No work no pay, lol. We'll they went around with all the department heads and discussed individually. After that they asked for questions. And every department asked what about ncdeuce00 the new managers answered what about him? And every department head lists all the things I was helping with. (I was really kinda surprised because I was just doing these things to stay busy and make the day go faster.) Well these managers flat out said ncdeuce00 is a driller. That's what he was hired for, that's all we want him to do. Well that did not sit well with any of the departments and the meeting started getting a bit rowdy and the other drillers grabbed me and did the hasty exit. We left and went to our local watering hole we had a few barley pops and quite a few laughs. After a couple of hours most of the others came by and were really disgusted with this new management. We then went home. I got a call to come in for a drilling job 3 weeks after I received my last full check. I already had another job and the other drillers had also. They were surprised none of us were willing to just sit and wait. I visited the new office a few months later and found out they had to outsource all the drilling, sell off the drills, and hire 4 more people to fill positions that I had been working. Oh the stories they shared during my visit. Steep learng curve. And I guess maybe not really malicious compliance, but a whole lot of Karhma delivered.

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

An engineer dies and goes to heaven... He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'. So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central air conditioning unit to help control the heat. He starts installing a central sewage system. God notices, and quickly calls Satan. He calls and says 'there's been a mistake! The engineer is supposed to be up here with us!' Satan replies: 'you know, we're pretty happy with what the changes he had been making, I think we'll keep him' God gets mad and says 'you send him up here this minute or else I'll sue you!' Satan laughs and says, 'yeah, you and what lawyers?'

An Engineer was jobless for long time... He could not find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a board outside.. get treatment for $50, if not treated get back $100. One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $100 and goes to clinic. Doctor : I have lost taste in eating Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from box no 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth. Patient (Doctor) : This is Petrol Engineer : Congrats.. you got your taste back ..give me $50 Doctor gets annoyed, goes back after some days to recover his money Doctor : I have lost my memory, can not remember anything Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from box no 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth. Doctor : But this medicine for taste of the tongue Engineer : congrats. you got your memory back.. give my fees $50. Doctor goes back angrily and comes back after some days Doctor : My eyesight is become weak. Engineer : Well I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $100 Doctor : But this is $50 Note Engineer : Congrats .. you got back your eyesight .. give my fees $50 Doctor shocks...Engineer Rocks..!!!

Stay In Your Lane The purpose of the meeting was to discuss how we were going recover from a major problem on the manufacturing line that had reduced production throughput to about 50%. I was not on the production team. I was there to stay informed as the design engineering lead for the project. The problem was software in certain older assembly units in half of the production lines. The best-estimate projection from the manufacturing director was that patch, test, and functional confirmation of these units would take a week to 10 days. I suggested that we should contact the manufacturer of the newer, functioning units and find out how quickly they could deliver and install replacements for every problem assembler on the lines. Yes, I know. It was a very expensive suggestion. The VP running the meeting simply told me to “Stay in your lane. You don’t know anything about the real work done around here.” Having worked elsewhere for nearly a decade in manufacturing prior to transitioning to design engineering and the role at this company, I actually knew all about the ‘real work’ being done. I also knew that the projection of about 7 to 10 days for a firmware fix for those machines was nothing more than a very deep pile of male bovine excrement. By my rough calculations, it would take at least 3 weeks to complete unit replacement and get the throughput rate back up to a marginally acceptable level. I stayed in my lane. I kept my lips zipped for the remainder of the meeting. I told my director afterwards that the production team had it under control and that I was no longer needed. Following an email discussion thread cc’ed to everyone at the meeting and my director that included my ridiculous suggestion and my ‘humble’ acknowledgment that I really should stay in my lane, I moved on to a new project. 3 weeks later, after multiple failed attempts to update the old assemblers, the work to replace them all with new units began. 3 weeks after that, production was hovering at about 75% and finally reached 95% after an additional 2 weeks. Grapevine (heard, but no way to substantiate): The manufacturing director was the scapegoat and was let go. The VP’s yearly bonus was impacted due to a $450k shortfall in revenue. I continued to stay zip-lipped during all production meetings, discussions, email threads, etc. until I left the company a year later. I stayed in my lane.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A considerable amount actually. Please don't begin reading this at work. There is a lot of material here and reading through it will take you a bit of time. If your boss catches you it could get you in trouble, as it's hard to imagine that this won't be a distraction from you job. Besides the reading factor alone however, there is a substantive amount to contrast between each individual, and much to meditate on. These differences extend beyond merely career, education, upbringing, etc and broach upon the very Weltanschauung of these men. If you operate heavy machinery, you may find yourself distracted when pondering said differences somewhat extensively, and this could be diverting enough to actually put you in danger if your mind begins to wander at work. Please for your own safety, leave this thread until you get home. It's an absorbing topic, but your wellbeing is of higher priority. A basic cursory outlook at the mini bios of these two immediately presents us with 187 distinct differences, however, these may be simply "cosmetic" so to speak, and appear as the same differences that either individual would have with any other person. I believe upon further investigation and inquiry, many more will become apparent. From Armstrong's Wikipedia: For other people named Neil Armstrong, see Neil Armstrong (disambiguation). Neil Alden Armstrong (August 5, 1930 – August 25, 2012) was an American astronaut, engineer, and the first person to walk on the Moon. He was also an aerospace engineer, naval aviator, test pilot, and university professor. Before becoming an astronaut, Armstrong was an officer in the U.S. Navy and served in the Korean War. After the war, he earned his bachelor's degree at Purdue University and served as a test pilot at the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA) High-Speed Flight Station, where he logged over 900 flights. He later completed graduate studies at the University of Southern California. USAF / NASA astronaut Born Neil Alden Armstrong August 5, 1930 Near Wapakoneta, Ohio, U.S. Died August 25, 2012 (aged 82) Cincinnati, Ohio, U.S. Previous occupation Naval aviator, test pilot Alma mater Purdue University, B.S. 1955 University of Southern California, M.S. 1970 Rank Lieutenant (junior grade), United States Navy Time in space 8 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes, and 30 seconds Selection 1958 USAF Man In Space Soonest 1960 USAF Dyna-Soar 1962 NASA Group 2 Total EVAs 1 Total EVA time 2 hours 31 minutes Missions Gemini 8, Apollo 11 Mission insignia Ge08Patch orig.png Apollo 11 insignia.png Awards United States Naval Aviator/Astronaut Insignia NASA Civilian Astronaut Wings Presidential Medal of Freedom Congressional Space Medal of Honor A participant in the U.S. Air Force's Man in Space Soonest and X-20 Dyna-Soar human spaceflight programs, Armstrong joined the NASA Astronaut Corps in 1962. He made his first space flight as command pilot of Gemini 8 in March 1966, becoming NASA's first civilian astronaut to fly in space. He performed the first docking of two spacecraft, with pilot David Scott. This mission was aborted after Armstrong used some of his reentry control fuel to prevent a dangerous spin caused by a stuck thruster, in the first in-flight space emergency. Armstrong's second and last spaceflight was as commander of Apollo 11, the first manned Moon landing mission in July 1969. Armstrong and Lunar Module pilot Buzz Aldrin descended to the lunar surface and spent two and a half hours outside the spacecraft, while Michael Collins remained in lunar orbit in the Command/Service Module. Along with Collins and Aldrin, Armstrong was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Richard Nixon. President Jimmy Carter presented Armstrong the Congressional Space Medal of Honor in 1978. Armstrong and his former crewmates received the Congressional Gold Medal in 2009. Armstrong died in Cincinnati, Ohio on August 25, 2012, at the age of 82, after complications from coronary artery bypass surgery. Armstrong was born on August 5, 1930 near Wapakoneta, Ohio, the son of Stephen Koenig Armstrong and Viola Louise Engel. He was of German, Irish, and Scottish ancestry, and had a younger sister, June, and a younger brother, Dean. His father worked as an auditor for the Ohio state government; the family moved around the state repeatedly after Armstrong's birth, living in 20 towns. Armstrong's love for flying grew during this time, having gotten off to an early start when his father took his two-year-old son to the Cleveland Air Races. When he was five, he experienced his first airplane flight in Warren, Ohio on July 20, 1936 when he and his father took a ride in a Ford Trimotor, also known as the "Tin Goose". His father's last move was in 1944, back to Wapakoneta. Armstrong attended Blume High School and took flying lessons at the grassy Wapakoneta airfield. He earned a student flight certificate on his 16th birthda

I've got a friend who is a structural engineer. He's always complaining about stress at work. EDIT: damn I wish I got karma for this post.

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down. The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke. The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas. The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system. All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think? The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic... He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more." The man below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

Trust is everything Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip. After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students. They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking. Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: "I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I'm sure this bloody thing won't even start"

"Mommy, if big cows can have little cows, and big horses can have little horses, and big people can have little people, why can't big trains have little trains?" "That's a real good question. You should ask the engineer that question." "Mr. Engineer, Mr. Engineer, my Mommy sent me up here to ask you, if big cows can have little cows, and big horses can have little horses, and big people can have little people, why can't big trains have little trains?" "Kid, you tell your mother that the Northern Pacific railroad always pulls out in time."

Engineers and Lawyers Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?" "Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers. The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway. A conductor starts making his rounds. Noticing the bathroom is occupied, he knocks on the door and asks, "Ticket, please." The door cracks open a hair, and a single ticket is offered. The conductor punches it, and continues on. The three lawyers admit that this is a good trick, and that they should try it on their next journey. As luck would have it, after spending a few days in Chicago, they see that the three engineers will be on board their train. The lawyers purchase a single ticket for the three of them, while the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to ride, if you don't have a ticket?" "Watch and you'll see," came the reply. The lawyers get on the train, and scramble into a bathroom. The engineers cram themselves into an adjacent bathroom. The train leaves, and picks up speed. One of the engineers gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the lawyers' bathroom, and knocks. "Ticket, please."

A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference... After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?" The engineer answers "If I know my students well, and they really did build this plane, then I can say with 100% certainty that this shit will never even turn on."

An engineer dies... An engineer dies and stands before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. After going through all his records, St. Peter finds that the man must go to hell. The engineer complains, as he's always been loyal to his wife and friends, never stolen, and always tried to lead a good life. "I'll take it up with the boss," says St. Peter. "But it will be a few weeks before we get an answer, and until then you'll have to stay in hell." Two weeks later, after the case has been gone over, St. Peter calls down to Satan, telling him that a mistake as been made and to release the engineer. "No," says Satan. "Why not?" "In the past two weeks he fixed the air conditioner, fixed my wireless network, upgraded the internet to high speed, and within a week we're going to have a new ice cream machine. He's staying," comes Satan's answer. "You can't do this!" exclaims St. Peter. "By all rights he should be in heaven! We'll take you to court if we have to!" "Sounds fair," says Satan calmly. "But where are you going to find a lawyer."

Satan's engineer An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR asks ... a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

An engineer sees a fellow engineer on a new bike... An engineer was walking along one day when another engineer friend of his rides up on a brand new bicycle. "That is an awesome bike. Where did you get it?" He asks. "Well," his friend replied "It was the strangest thing. I was sitting on a bench in the park, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, got off the bike and then took all of her clothes off right in front of me! Then she said 'Take what you want!'" The first engineer replied "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you!"

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer go golfing They get stuck behind a group of golfers who seemed to be moving slower than usual. One of the country club members explains to them that this is a group of blind men who lost their eyesight as firefighters. The country club allows them to use the course once a year free of charge. The priest immediately chimes in and says, "I am going to pray for these men everyday in my church to help their well being." The doctor then exclaims, "I am going to get the best medical care in the country to research a possible way to help these men." The engineer then says, "Why don't they just golf at night?"

The priest, laywer, and engineer By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go. They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go. Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

Two engineers are meeting for lunch Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize. "Where did you get the bike? " the first asks. The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike." "Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

I have a polish friend who is a sound engineer...and a Czech one too

In Preparation For The Apollo Moon Landing NASA had to test the lunar rover. To do so, they choose an arid site in the southwest, near the Navaho Reservation. The engineers conducted their tests over several days, and the locals were curious. Among them was an elderly Navaho man and a child, apparently his grandson. They wandered over to the engineers. The old man exclaimed some things, and the child translated them to the engineers. "He wants to know what you are doing?" The engineers were only too happy to explain. They were sending this vehicle to explore the moon! The child translated this to the old man. The old man grew a bit agitated, and yattered out to the boy, who told the engineers, "He wants to know, can he send a message to the moon with this?" The engineers were enchanted with this idea, and scrounged up a reel to reel tape recorder. The old man spoke a message into it, and smiled. The engineers asked the grandson, "What did he say?" The child smiled, and refused to answer. The engineers went through the local town, playing the tape to anyone of apparent Navaho descent, asking them to translate it. They all smiled, and refused to answer. Finally they found an old white rancher who knew Navaho, and played it for him. He guffawed, and told them, "It says, 'Watch out for these guys, they're here to steal your land.'"

One of the smarter jokes I've picked up... An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland are black." The experimental physicist retorts, "we can safely say, at least one sheep in Scotland is black." The philosopher says, ".... on one side, anyway."

An engineer dies and goes to Hell Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!" Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?" (crossposted from /r/funny)

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion..... One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari. No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet. No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle. No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. " Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good. " Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." . All the 3 Ladies fainted ....

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.” The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

The Truth About Managers A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.” “You must be an engineer” says the balloonist. “I am” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.” The man below says “You must be a manager.” “I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

What is College Feminism? What is college feminism? 10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers

A Calculus joke Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes: e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's a differential operator. If it acts on me, I'll disappear." e^x says "I'm e^x, I don't have anything to worry about," and keeps walking. When he reaches the differential operator, he says "Hi, I'm e^x." The differential operator responds, "Hi, I'm d/dy."

Cockpit duties... Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor." Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."

If God were an engineer... 3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?" The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!" The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical! The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the human body was designed by a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area?"

An engineer tells his coworkers about his walk to work "So I'm walking to work this morning through the park, like I always do, but today was a bit different... A beautiful woman on a bicycle rode up next to me and got off the bike. She stripped naked and put her clothes in a pile next to the bike, then looked right at me and said 'You can have anything you want...'" One of his coworkers asks "So what did you do?" He replies, "I took the bike." The coworker says "Yeah, you made the right choice.. Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

The Engineer's Interview An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tells the three interviewees, "So this building we're in, any idea how tall it is, down to the inch?" All three shake their heads. Turning to the first he says, so if I gave you an accurate barometer, how would you determine the height? The engineer pauses and says, "Well, I'd measure the pressure difference between the roof and ground, use that to find the change in altitude". Nodding, the interviewer turns to the second candidate. "And you? How would you measure this?", "Well" says the second engineer, "I would measure the shadow cast by the barometer and the shadow cast by the building. We know the length of one, we can find the length of the other". "Very good!" said the interviewer, finally turning to the last engineer. "And you?" After a moment's thought the third engineer finally says, "I think I'd just find the building manager, offer to give him a shiny new barometer if he told me how tall the building is."

What engineers want. Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Four engineers in a car... Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart." After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"

A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train The 3 accountants each buy tickets, but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks one of the accountants. "You'll see.", an engineer responds. As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor knocks on the door, one arm comes out through a narrow crack in the door to give him the ticket. The accountants all agree that this is a great way to save money, so on the return trip, the accountants only buy one ticket, but the engineers don't buy any tickets. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks an accountant. "You'll see." responds an engineer. As the train leaves the station, all three accountants pile into one bathroom and an engineer knocks on the door and says "Ticket, please.".

Three Engineers are Discussing God So, three engineers are sitting around a table at lunch, discussing God. The first engineer says, "I think God must be a mechanical engineer." and proceeds to explain in depth how only a mechanical engineer could've built the muscle and skeletal system to work so beautifully together. The second engineer says "No, my guess is that he's an electrical engineer" and proceeds to describe how only an Electrical engineer could run an entire body off of such a small amount of power for such a complex system. The third engineer says "Nope, he must be a civil engineer!", prompting stunned silence from the other two. "A Civil Engineer?!" Says one after a long pause, "What makes you say THAT?". The third engineer thinks for a minute and explains "well, only a civil engineer would run a waste pipe through a recreational area!"

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers... A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers... The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" **Edit:** added line breaks ;)

Kiss me "A male engineering student was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineering student took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it; and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The boy said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Engineers What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.