100+ Easter Jokes

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"

Punishing me for underperforming for 1 day in 2 years? No problem. Hello everyone, I will try to be concise. **BACKROUND** I work at a company where I handle mid to high level complaints to managers, PR and legal. My daily requirement is 40 cases handled per day, there are some of my team colleagues that struggle with this, but I don't, and I don't feel lazy to stop at 40, so I have handled 50-55 basically every day for the past two years. There is no bonus (or even recognition) for this, I just did it because I felt a friendly obligation to the company. Complaints can be a 5 minute resolution, or a 2 hour zoom call with our New York lawyers, it's a gamble really. **THE EVENT** Recently I had a day where I felt a bit sick and at the same time, had bad luck of getting only very hard cases that required more time, so I had 39 cases (1 under the requirement). I thought nothing of it, as my weekly average way off the charts, 50+ as usual. The very next day I felt better and went back to my usual high numbers. Come Monday, I had a "emergency 1-on-1" with my manager where I was informed that I had to attend a 3 day workshop/seminar on how to best meet requirements, because I "underperformed last week." My jaw dropped, and I asked don't they count the weekly, monthly, yearly numbers, to which I was told that the "daily requirement is 40, and this is standard practice, nothing we can do." Basically it was a workshop for underperformers who had 20-30 out of 40 cases daily, it was nothing hard, but I did need to drive there for 3 days after work and listen to HR guys giving bad advice (as they never actually handled the cases in real life) and I had to talk about what will I do to improve my numbers and "reach the 40", as they nonsense HR talk calls it. This made me lose hours and hours of my free time and I was livid. After it was over, I had a long think and I decided that I will do exactly that. I will "reach the 40" and that's it. **THE AFTERMATH** For the past few months, I go into work, I handle 40 cases, my daily requirement, and then I do NOTHING for the rest of my shift. I have had multiple 1-on-1's with my manager during this time, and I am constantly asked: "is something wrong", to which I naively reply "no, am in trouble, am I underperforming?" and then of course they say that I am 100% within daily requirements and that way I shut the conversation down. This is real life, so I can't really say a clever comeback or something like that, but I do keep "playing the fool" that has no idea what is wrong now, but I find satisfaction in knowing that they got used to my overachieving and are now suffering for the lack of it. Before Easter, they put up an internal ad for promoting another 2 managers, so my guess is how that is the number of people they will now need to pay extra, just because they lost me as an overachiever, and they lost me for no reason other than their own stupidity. Thank you all, I hope I did not bore you.

Hope this joke translates well Edit: I heard the joke in Serbian, but it seems many Eastern European countries have the same joke as well. A family of gypsies (mom, dad, son) is told that if they can swim across the river, they'll become white people. So dad goes first and he struggles a bit, but he manages to get accross. Next up is the mom and she struggles a lot, gets a cramp, but still somehow manages to get across where she nearly collapses from exhaustion. Finally, it's the son's turn. He's a young boy and he struggles much more. He reaches halfway point and starts drowning when he yells to the shore, "Mom, Dad, help me! I'm drowning!" They reply, "Just drown you gypsy piece of shit!"

That day, euphoric archaeologists announced the incredible discovery of five shadow-like, real-size silhouettes of Homo erectus painted at the entrance of a cave in Eastern Anatolia. Two days later, in a completely different tone, they disclosed that the shadows have been deemed "disturbingly similar to nuclear flash burns".

What do you call the day before Easter? Saturday

Keep winning—let payroll take care of itself This happened almost 20 years ago. In the country I'm from, almost every worker: blue collar, white collar, manager, director, C-level, whatnot, gets 5 weeks of fully paid holiday each year. Typically split in two or more parts; predominantly 4 weeks of summer holiday and one week in winter a.k.a skiing holiday. In addition to that, we get a special "vacation pay" which is 50% of the salary paid during holiday. That is, for five weeks of paid holiday you get 2.5 week's worth additional money to spend on your holiday activities. Or booze. Or stock market. It's your money in a free country. As for me and my missus, we were moderately well-paid double-income-no-kids couple and didn't really need all that money. Instead, we opted to exchange this extra money to equal amount of additional leave and take long trips to other continents especially in winter when it's very dull and slushy in our neck of woods. That totals 7.5 weeks of paid leave and if timed wisely adjacent to or around bank holidays, such as Christmas and Easter, you can easily have full eight weeks. I worked for a company about ten years and eventually was hired to another. Negotiations with the new employer took a while and while waiting to sign my new contract I tried to quietly tie all loose ends in the old place to ensure a hassle free departure. One day I checked if I have any unused leave. It's not a biggie, it happens often but the company pays all unused days at 1:1 ratio when you leave. Some companies don't pay this extra vacation pay or compensate converted time off days, though. But this company did. So, I checked the system and found out I had ten weeks of unused, converted vacation pay leave in the system. I was like 'wtf?'. This is definitely not right, considering all the long-haul trips we had enjoyed during our extended three week winter holidays. Taking money for this would be unethical and someone would definitely find out and the company would send a bill afterward. Or even worse, sue. So, I picked up a phone and called payroll. I asked if they are sure I had really forgotten to spend so many of my holiday weeks I had worked so hard for. \- "Sigh. Well, you know what", the payroll lady said. "During your employment we've had two if not three payroll IT migrations from old system to an entirely different kind of new system. I can see on my screen exactly what you see and there are zero additional details. No dates, not anything. Just number of weeks. There may be some history data in the archives of the old systems but going through that clutter would be an enormous and time consuming task. And did I already mention that our insufficient resources are already exhausted because we have to cope with the problems caused by the latest data migration? Are your really, really sure you want us to do this for you?" \- "Oh no, dear no", I said. "I know when I'm defeated and this is not a battle I choose. I wish you strength, goodbye." So, when I finally resigned and left the company, I was paid for those 10 weeks and was never questioned.

A Japanese serial killer, an American school shooter and a middle-eastern terrorist walk into a bar They struggle to communicate because they all speak different languages

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. He said "have to love Easter, baby"

On Easter morning, a rooster wakes up and notices brightly colored eggs scattered all around the chicken coop and yard of the farmhouse... He looks at the hens nesting, thinks for a minute, then runs across the barnyard and beats the shit of the Peacock

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest) A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Ok, fine...I'll just sit here! If you've read my lasts few posts in this sub-Reddit, they all seem to deal with truck driving. This one is shorter, but no different. I mainly drove central and eastern Pa, southern New York, New Jersey, Delaware, Northeast Maryland, and sometimes eastern Ohio and southern Connecticut and Virginia. Unfortunately, that region puts me in several cities Philadelphia, Wilmington, New York, Richmond, and Baltimore. As well as slightly smaller cities like Harrisburg, Trenton, Dover, Newark, and everything in between. The thing to realize as a driver in the city is people hate or don't care about trucks. In their mind we are just a large, slow moving, annoyance and something to get around so they can get their latte and go about their day. They don't realize the danger of cutting off trucks or stopping short in front of one at speed. Or that I can't always see you while driving or backing. So as a truck driver you are always on alert for danger. Initially I hated driving in the cities but eventually got used to it. I would be backing up slowly to enter or exit an ally and people would pull up and park directly behind me. Or walk directly behind the truck. You learn to judge each situation on a case-by-case basis. Usually, your best-case scenario it to keep going slow till you are 100% sure you're going to hit something, then stop if absolutely necessary. Case in point I'm loaded with roofing materials for a commercial roofing job. I am driving our largest truck in the fleet, a twin stick Mack with a 42ft boom crane. This thing was big! It had wide flotation tires on the front axle. If you don't know what they are. They generally are twice the width and diameter of regular truck tires and tend to float on a dirt surface rather than sink in like a normal tire would, due to the extra-large footprint. The upside is they were able to support much more weight without sinking in the ground. The downside is turning radius. This truck was 20ft shorter than an 18-wheeler with a 53ft trailer but had the same turning radius. So, this one day in 1997 I am headed to a delivery just outside of Phila. (Upper Darby to be exact). I'm at a high traffic signaled intersection traveling south and I have to turn right to head east. Each corner had a 2 straight thru\\ right turn lanes, one in each direction, and dedicated left turn lane, signaled. As normal I approach the red light stopping about 50 ft short of the light. Once the left turn lane clears, I can then swing left before turning right. This is the proper way to make a turn of this nature. A lot of times I see trucks turn right from the left turn lane and that is illegal, and wrong because it allows traffic to come up on your right side. The proper way is to approach in the right lane, swing wide left when clear, then turn right. However, I notice as I am waiting for the lights to do their thing and my opportunity to make my turn. This lady pulls well over the white line of the left turn lane on the east side of the intersection. So as traffic clears and I make the turn I cannot complete it because she is too far forward in her lane. So, I have to stop mid turn. For those unaware. At major intersections there is a thick white line painted across the intersection defining where you are supposed to stop if the light is red. This allows trucks and emergency equipment to make the turn as needed. This helps keep traffic flowing. Now back to the story. I signal to the lady to back up so I can complete the turn, and she signals back no. She is the only car there, no one behind her. I signal again and she furiously signals no! Malicious Compliance initiated! I put the truck in neutral, set the brakes, shut the engine off, and just sit there. Traffic in the north and southbound lanes are squeezing behind the truck. East bound can only turn right, and no other traffic can move. She can't move; I can't move. I'm paid by the hour, she is not! A few light cycles go by, and traffic is completely jammed. Of course, the police were called. I could tell by the cops demeaner that it was reported that a truck was blocking the intersection. Because the first thing he did when he got there was to order me to back up. Here's the rub. As a truck driver, if I back up and hit anything I am liable no matter the circumstance, even with someone guiding me, Hence a police officer cannot legally tell me to back up! So I tell him no. He then tucks tail and orders the lady to back up and she argues with the cop. I could not hear what was said but I imagine the word ticket was involved. Which she qualified for disobeying traffic control devices. Finally, she backs up as I start up the truck again and complete my turn in the allotted space. I never saw her or the cop again and laughed for a few miles as I headed to the job. I don't know if she ever got a ticket. But just another day driving a truck that made me smile.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Late Lent/Easter Joke Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, “You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic.” Eino’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched…… There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanting: “You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a trout.

A bearded guy A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Dad Joke (topical) "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?" "Because it's an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter. "Thanks dad" "No problem Alan"

A father wants to have "the" talk with his 14 year old son 'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!' The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells: 'No! I don't wanna know!' 'But why not?' asks the father, surprised. 'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be *really* pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'

Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States. After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other in a store. "Hello old friend!" says the first man. "It's been so long! I have certainly become a true American since I last saw you. I have a wife, two kids, and a dog. I live in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs in a two story house, I drive a prius and I have a job working in an office and I watch football every Sunday with my buddies and we drink beer and have barbecues! How American have you become my friend?" The second man simply replied "Fucking towel head."

A World Wide Survey.... A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favorite holiday was. He replied... Has to be Easter, baby

Wartime meeting At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a good servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here." Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin. "Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?" "I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin." "And who were you talking about? "I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin." Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev, "And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did *you* have in mind?

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang a picture! Happy Easter!

A Jewish man and a Chinese are in a bar sitting next to each other The Jewish man is going off on Pearl Harbor and turns to the Chinese man and asks how he feels about his country bombing the US in World War 2. The Chinese man says, "That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!" The Jewish man says, "Oh. Please excuse my ignorance." The Chinese man then asks if the Jewish man felt any embarrassment over the sinking of the Titanic. The Jewish man says, "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, and my ancestors were still in Eastern Europe, as the Titanic set sail from England." Both agreed that both Pearl Harbor and the Titanic were tremendous tragedies and both men learned something that day.

The United Nations world-wide survey The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world. The survey went like this: "We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world" The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure: The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.

My wife asked me what I wanted to do for Easter So I told her "The same thing Jesus did. Disappear on Friday and come back on Sunday."

An Easter Joke (a bit late) So after Christ rose from the dead he was on a stroll with some of his disciples. One of them said, "Say Jesus, do you mind showing us how you walked on water?" Jesus said, "Well, these were miracles, not exactly parlor tricks. But you know what, I don't mind." ^^^^Another ^^^^disciple ^^^^asked, ^^^^"What's ^^^^a ^^^^parlor?" So, Jesus and the disciples go down to a nearby river. Jesus takes a few steps out but halfway through starts to sink and immediately falls in the water. Jesus reemerges, laughs it off and decides to try a different part of the water, but unfortunately he falls in again after a few steps. Jesus emerges and tries once more in a different part of the river but as expected, he falls right in. After coming back on land, the disciples are stunned. They can't believe their prophet has failed at a miracle. One of the disciples says, "Jesus, why weren't you able to stand on water as you did before." Jesus replies, "Well, it was a lot easier before I got these holes in my feet."

Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t stand Christmas, too many presents. Thanksgiving is no better, he’s allergic to turkey. Halloween too many people dress up like him. Valentine’s day too much pressure. But today he gets his chocolate egg and he’s happy Have to love Easter, baby

If the Easter Bunny’s favorite sport is basketball, what’s Jesus’s favorite sport? Lacrosse

Religion and squirrels There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday I just felafel afterwards.

Lent joke to tell tomorrow for Easter Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat as he chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

Why is this time of year Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favourite? Because he has to love Easter, baby.

CAR PARK SCAM: BEWARE! Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on October 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

Family dynamics Long joke time: A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “Your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the man says. “Call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they're getting a divorce. I’ll take care of this!” she shouts. She calls her dad and says, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. We’ll both be there tomorrow!” and she hangs up. The man ends the call, smiles and turns to his wife. “Good news! The kids are coming for Easter and paying their own way.” 😂

How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter? Tell her a joke at Christmas

If you have Alzheimer's, look on the bright side… …at least you can hide your own Easter Eggs.

My mom's favorite Easter joke: Why does the Easter bunny hide Easter eggs? Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking a chicken.

My son asked me to explain what coloring eggs had to do with the story of Easter... "You see, son, we color Easter eggs to remind us that Jesus dyed for our sins."

I hate it when.. I hate it when my black friend disappears in the dark, My white friend in snow, My Chinese friend in sand, And my Middle-Eastern friend in drone strikes.

Chickens react to Easter Eggs Some farmer's kids are painting eggs for Easter. One looks up and says, "Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?" "I don't know," says the other. "Let's find out!" They go into the chicken coop, steal the fresh eggs and replace them with the colorful eggs. The kids step out and watch. The hens come in and nothing, they go about their business. The rooster struts in, sees the eggs, and has a fit. He bursts out of the coop, storms across the farmyard, and beats the hell out of the peacock.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. - Emo Philips

Happy Greek Easter! Which Greek God loved to collect animals? Zoos

Jesus may have been offended Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

What is Easter? As told to me by a priest when I was little: Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?" The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents." Saint Peter says, "No. That's not right. That's Christmas." The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas. Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put on masks and go door to door saying 'trick or treat' and getting candy." Saint Peter says, "No. You're thinking of Halloween. How have you all not heard of Easter? Do you know what Easter is?" he says, motioning to the third. The final Catholic says, "I apologize for my friends. I know what Easter is. Easter is when our lord and savior Jesus Christ was crucified under Pontius Pilate for the forgiveness of our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried. They put his body in a tomb and rolled a big stone in front of it. On the third day, the disciples rolled the rock away, and they saw Jesus Christ had risen from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures..." "That's an excellent answer!" St. Peter exclaimed. "...and as he rose from the dead, Christ saw his shadow and we got six more weeks of winter."

3 Churches and a Whole Lot of Squirrels There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town's three churches. The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results. The First church leader spoke, "We still have squirrels" "Our faith believes that God will do as God see's fit...so we did nothing, putting the issue in our creators hands. Unfortunately, God did not see fit to remove the squirrels. They are still there and do not seem to be leaving anytime son." The Second church leader spoke, "We have even more squirrels" "God gives us challenges to overcome and make us stronger. We fought the squirrels with traps, poisons, cats, but nothing worked. We have not yet found a way to conquer them. They have become more vicious and entrenched in our building. The third leader spoke, "The squirrels are all gone" "We just made the squirrels members of our church and they all left. They only come back on Christmas and Easter."

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" I said "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Dirty Easter Joke This rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a minute, then he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.

Apparently they're making a Middle Eastern version of 'The Flintstones'... ...and while Dubai doesn't like it, Abu Dhabi do.

Why was the Easter Bunny wearing a hat? Because he was having a bad hare day.

Why was Jesus so popular with the girls? He was hung like this: 🤷 Happy Easter!

What does it mean "the rest of the world? A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees... "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

It's Easter Sunday morning... ... and chubby Chuck has been chomping on Easter eggs all night. He decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he plays a prank. He goes into the chicken coop and replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the colored eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.

What were Jesus's last words to his disciples as he was nailed to the cross? Nobody touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday.

My mom asked me what I was doing for Easter ... I said, "Same as Jesus. Going out on Friday and coming back Sunday"

Religious Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water? Its gonna take a while to get me hard, I just got laid by some chick.

How do we know that Jesus was made of bread? Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up? He uses Hare Spray... (Ill see myself out)

Someone call for a religious joke A Daoist monk, a Father, and a Priest talking about how to cleanse their temples that have been overridden with squirrels. the monk says "Well, I decided that it is Gods will for the squirrels to be there so I left them alone". The Father says "I spread fox urine around which worked for a week, but the squirrels wised up so they came back". The Priest exclaimed "I got rid of them! I caught each one, then baptized them so they only come back on Christmas and Easter!"

Why does the rabbit hide Easter eggs? Because he is ashamed of fucking the chicken.

Two middle eastern brothers move to the US... they each make a bet over which will be more Americanized in a years time. At the end of the year the first brother says to the other "Today I'm going to see my son play in a baseball game and after we're going to McDonalds for dinner". The second looks at him and says "Fuck off towel head".

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding out that your identity has been stolen and your entire bank account has been drained by a syndicate in Eastern Europe, leaving you destitute and unable to afford the basic necessities of life, including more apples.

Hoppy Easter 🐰

What do you call an Eastern European cashier? A Checkoutslovakian. (Better said than read)

Why does Donald Trump think Jesus was a liar? "He was a Middle-Easterner, but he had a Mexican name."

The Ressurection The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is." The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

I like my coffee like I like my women. Handed over by an eastern european immigrant who doesn't care what happens to it or expect to see it again.

A joke about squirrels. There were three churches in my town that were all infested with squirrels. They each came up with a different way to deal with the infestation. The first church hired an exterminator. He came by on a Monday morning, and by Sunday the squirrels were back. The second church prayed to the Lord to deliver them from the squirrels, but did nothing themselves to solve the problem. The squirrels never left. The third church had a young, zealous pastor who reasoned that since the squirrels were in church, they should be baptized. Now the squirrels are only there for Christmas and Easter.

An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind.... He's called to the chair. 'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter. 'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied. Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?' 'Pass.' 'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?' 'Pass.' 'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?' 'Pass.' Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience: 'That's right, Paddy - tell them nothing!'

Doctor says, "I've got good news and bad news…" The bad news is that you have Alzheimer's. The good news is now you can hide your own Easter eggs!

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking a chicken.

You know what the best thing about Alzheimer's is? You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Dang squirrels There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest. One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. "I'll roast'm out" he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot.... and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained. The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.

Old joke from former Eastern Germany: An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, KGB and the Stasi.... The CIA team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later. "As far as we can determine, the remains are about 500,000 years old." Not to be outdone by the CIA, the KGB goes in and comes out about 8 hours later. "The remains are approximately 515,550 years old. This is what we have been able to determine with our superior forensics technology." Before the KGB is even done giving their report, the 2-man Stasi team is already making their way towards the cave. They are carrying just a duffle bug with them. They enter the cave and make their way towards the remains. Soon after, sounds of shouting, swearing and banging start coming out of the cave and they don't let up for 2 whole days. When the Stasi forensics team finally leaves the cave, they are dirty and disheveled, their clothes ripped and their tools are damaged. "So, the remains are 515,553 years, 7 months, 3 weeks and 5 days old." Amazed and dumbfounded, the archeologists and other forensics teams ask how they could possible determine the age of the remains to such an exact date. The Stasi agents look knowingly at each other and one of them says, "He confessed."

Coloured Eggs A rooster was strutting around the hen house one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.

What do you call a middle eastern sorceress? A sandwitch

I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter... ... he didn't move diagonally

A father tells his son it's time he learned about the birds and the bees. Upon hearing this, the son freaks out. The father looks on in puzzlement at his son's emotional metldown. "What the heck's the matter with you?" he asks. "Dad, when I was 8, you said we had to have a talk about the Tooth Fairy, and you told me she wasn't real. A little part of me died. A few months later, you said we had to talk about the Easter Bunny, and another part of my childhood was gone forever. Later that same year, we had the Santa Claus talk, and I never really recovered. And now, the birds and the bees. I swear, if you tell me grown-ups don't fuck, I'm going to kill myself!"

A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany... His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email: "Father, I love the way the Ferrari drives but it's so embarrassing, all the other students take trains to school! What should I do? Your loving son" The father then replies the next day "Son, The gold plated train is on its way Dad"

Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs? Because he doesn't want anybody to know that he's been fucking chickens!

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator... This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.

Three Muslim refugees try to enter the US Three Muslim refugees flee to America only to learn that only Christian refugees are being allowed. The first Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says ,"I am a Christian and would like refugee status." The officer says,"ok if you are a Christian tell me about all saints day." The first Muslim says, "oh, all saints day very holy day in the Christian calendar. That's when all of the boys give their sweethearts flowers and candy and ask will you be mine." The immigration officer says, "hey you are Muslim get out of here." The second Muslim steps up to the officer and the officer says,"hey, are you sure you are Christian? If you are tell me about Christmas." The second Muslim says, "oh, Christmas very holy day in Christian calendar. That is the day when the children dress up as ghosts and ghouls and ask for tricks and treats." The officer says to the second Muslim, "you're no Christian, get out of here." The final Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says, "I am Christian and would like entry." The officer says, "well if you are Christian tell me about Easter." The third Muslim says," oh, Easter, very holy day in the Christian calendar. Christ the savior dies on the cross on a Friday, and is removed and buried. For three days his body lies in the grave behind a heavy stone. On the third day, Easter Sunday, Christ is risen he pushes aside the heavy stone, sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter.

My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, "Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously." I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.

Why is business good on Easter? Because prophets rise

Grandma and Grandpa Grandma and Grandpa are sitting at church on Easter Sunday, and Grandma leans over and whispers, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?" Grandpa leans back and replies, "You should get new batteries for your hearing aids!"

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? [NSFW] He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens!

You know what's great about senility? You can hide your own Easter eggs.

This is a riddle This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer. Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened? A: The customer had hiccups. I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates... St. Peter says "OK, we've kind of streamlined the entry process here. I'm going to ask you a single question, and if you answer it correctly you will be admitted into heaven." He turns to the first guy and says "What is Easter?" The guy says "Easter, huh? Let me see... Isn't there a tree involved? Sure, and we decorate the tree and put presents under it and sing ca-" POOF! The man vanishes, leaving behind a faint scent of brimstone. St. Peter moves on to the second man and asks the same question. "Easter!" the man says, "Sure, I know what that is. That's where we all dress up like ghouls and goblins, and then we go from door to d-" POOF! He's gone. St. Peter points to the last guy, saying "You! Easter!" The last guy says "Well, Jesus dies and they put him in the tomb..." St. Peter says, "And then?" "And he's there for three days and then he comes out..." St. Peter says, "Go on." The guy thinks for a minute. "And if he sees his shadow..."

When asked about his favourite holiday, Arnold Schwarzenegger just grinned and said, Have to love Easter baby.

I made fun of my Middle Eastern friend's food the other day Now I falafel about it.

The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost. The year is 13,000 BC. The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost. "You alright?" They ask him, waiting eagerly at the shore with a distant view of the new lands that awaited them. "Yeah, I think so," the navigator replies, staring intently at some kind of primitive sundial-compass and peering with hand to brow at the distant mountains, the sun, and the sea, "I just need to get my Bering Strait."

Resurrection day Children at Sunday school were asked what resurrection meant. One boy replied, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts for more than 4 hours you should call a doctor." Happy Easter!

Three American salesmen were caught in a Middle Eastern harem. One tried to explain "A cab driver told us this was a cat house and snuck us in the back door." "No excuses!" the Emir shouted. "Any man who enters my harem must pay dearly!" He then became very thoughtful. "If you were my people, you would be put to death at once. But tensions are high and beheading Americans would cause more trouble than you're worth." He thought for a while more, and then smiled. "I think I know a fitting punishment. You --" he said, pointing to the first one. "What do you do for a living?" "I sell equipment to butchers. You know, knives and meat slicers." "Excellent," the Emir said. "We will use one of your cleavers to cut off your penis!" He turned to the second one. "What do you sell?" "Fire equipment. Hoses and extinguishers." "Excellent," the Emir said. "We shall burn off your penis!" He turned to the third and said "What do you sell?" "Lollipops."

I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it I falafel.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his wife when she asked if Christmas was his favourite holiday I still love Easter, Baby.

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? “ Because he doesn’t want everybody to know that he’s been F\*€king chickens”

CHURCH SQUIRRELS There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The BaptistChurch , The MethodistChurch , The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Churchcalled a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In The BAPTISTCHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week The MethodistChurch got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But, the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter. Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.