50+ Eagle Jokes

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said.......... "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

A smoking hot woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. While she's sitting there she notices a frog on a stool behind the bar. "What's up with that frog?" she asks the bartender. "Oh he eats pussy" the bartender replied. "Really? I've never heard of a frog that eats pussy" she said. Intrigued and after several drinks she finally says "Ok, I've got to know how good this frog is, can I take him home?" "Sure" the bartender says "And call me if there's any problems." So a little while later he gets an irate call from the woman saying " I'm laying here pants off and spread eagle and this frog is just sitting there not doing anything!" "Oh no, I'll be right over" says the bartender. He gets to her house and sure enough she's pants off and spread eagle and the frog is just sitting there. He picks up the frog and puts it to his ear and listens. "What!?" says the bartender. "Really!?" "FINE! But this is the last time I show you!"

It's bring your pet to school day I brought my desert eagle

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad." Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle... A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation... ... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead. A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment. Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle. Instead of his lost arm, they gave him an arm from a gorilla. Instead of his lost penis, they gave him an elephant trunk. A month after surgery, he had a checkup to see if there was any rejection or whatnot. And since this was a medical science breakthough, there were a lot of interested doctors that had come to see what had happened. The surgeon who performed the transplant asked the man how his eye had worked? The man says "Oh, it's great! My vision has improved a lot. I can spot people miles away, and I find anything I'm looking for without any problems." "How has the gorilla arm woked for you?" "It's great! It really helps me at work lifting heavy things, and I am more popular; When the guys want to arm wrestle, I win every time, and it also seems to attract the ladies as well!" "Alright, how has the elephant trunk worked out for you then?" "Well, I don't want to complain or anything, but it keeps trying to stuff grass into my arse..." *ed: speling*

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.   Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers.”   At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented Hillary with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud Hillary then departed in her motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.   A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Hillary.   They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Superman is flying over the ocean . . . NSFW ... And he spots Wonder Woman on an island lying spread-eagle naked on the beach. He thinks, "Man, I've always wanted to fuck her." So he flies down at super-sonic speed, drills her within seconds, and flies away chuckling. Meanwhile, Wonder Woman says, "What the fuck was that?" And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know . . . but my ass hurts like hell."

Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf... Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf. Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green. Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks out and then chips his ball back on to the green. The old guy hits his ball out towards the center of the lake; just as the ball is about to hit the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it's mouth, just as the fish is about to land back in the water, an eagle swoops down, picks up the fish, flys over to the hole; shakes the fish and the ball falls right in the hole. Jesus says "Come on dad! stop fucking around and play golf!"

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

What do you call it when a girl spreads her shaven pussy? Bald eagle.

I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife I thought it was an awesome trade.

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle. The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird. He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving." The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?" "Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."

My best joke. Moses, Jesus, and a very old man are starting their day of golf at the first tee off. Moses steps up to the tee, plants his stance, firms up, and smokes a drive that curves right towards a pond. Moses waives his club in the air, the pond immediately parts, the golf ball bounces in and out of the pond bottom, onto the green, 6 inches from the pin. Jesus says: "Nice shot." Jesus steps up to the tee, plants his stance, firms up, and smokes a drive that also curves right towards the pond. Jesus waives his club in the air, the pond immediately freezes, the ball bounces on the surface across and on to the green, 6 inches from the pin. Moses says: "Nice shot." Finally the old man slowly hobbles towards the tee. Plants his feeble stance, lift the driver, and whiffles the top of the ball as it bounces 10 feet away from the tee. All of a sudden, a gopher scurries out of his hole, grabs the ball in his mouth and runs down the fairway. A circling eagle soars down from the sky, grabs the gopher in its talons, and takes off soaring up the fairway until an instant of lighting strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gopher, the gopher drops the ball onto the green, and rolls into the hole. A hole in one. Jesus turns to the old man and says "Dad, are we going to play golf or fuck around?"

Practicing on the Old Oak Tree On his 13th birthday, a boy says to his father, "Dad, I'm 13 now, and I think I'm old enough to be with a woman." "Son, you're not ready yet, but I want you to practice everyday on the old oak tree in the yard. You'll be ready soon." On his 16th birthday, the boy says to his father, "Dad, I've been practicing everyday on the old oak tree, just like you said, and I think I'm ready to be with a women now." "No son, not yet, but you keep practicing on the old oak tree. You'll be ready soon." The boy's 18th birthday arrives. "Dad, I'm a man now, and I've been practicing on the old oak tree every day for five years. I know I'm ready for a woman." "You're right son. Today's the day. She's upstairs waiting for you. Happy birthday!" The boy smiles and runs upstairs as his dad chuckles to himself. All of a sudden he hears a blood curdling woman's scream. He runs upstairs and throws open his son's door. The woman is lying naked, spread-eagle on the bed. His son is standing over her with a broomstick jammed in her vagina. "My god son, what are you doing?!" "Just checking for squirrels, dad."

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf... Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf. First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie. Next goes Jesus. Jesus puts his hands in prayer and then sets up to hit the ball. He makes contact and hits it onto the green. He puts it in for an eagle. The old man grumbles and growls. He approaches the tee with his club in his off-hand. He takes a mighty swing and smacks the ball. The ball flies and lands on a lily-pad. It is then picked up by a frog. The frog in turn finds itself in the clutches of a falcon. The frog drops the ball and it bounces in for a hole-in-one. At this point Moses leans towards Jesus and whisper, "I really hate playing with your old man."

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers.” At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented Hillary with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud Hillary then departed in her motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Hillary. They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf Moses steps up, takes a swing, and hits the golf ball into a pond. He pauses for a moment, goes down to the pond, raises his golf club, and splits the pond so that the ball falls onto ground. Moses then descend into the pond, hits the golf ball again, and manages to hit the ball into the hole. Next is Jesus. He also hits the ball into the lake, but Jesus just walks onto the pond, takes another shot, and gets the golf ball in the hole. The old man takes a calculated swing, but the ball also goes into the direction of the pond. But, right before the ball hit the pond, a fish jumps up, catching the ball in its mouth. Next, an eagle swoops down, snatches the fish in its mouth and flies to the hole. Then, the eagle drops the fish, who in turn drops the ball into the hole, making it a hole-in-one. Moses scowls and says to Jesus, "You just *had* to bring your dad along with you, didn't you?"

A pastor decides to play hooky from church one Sunday. So a local pastor wakes up one Sunday in no mood to go to work. He calls his church's secretary and informs her that they will need a substitute Pastor that Sunday, he was feeling sick and could not come. She wishes him well and makes the arrangements. Following this, the pastor goes to the country club instead, deciding to spend his morning playing golf. God and Jesus see him about to tee off with disapproving frowns on their faces. Just as he's preparing for his first swing, God get's a devilish grin and says "watch this." The truant pastor scores a hole in one. Jesus is perplexed. "Why, Father? Why are you rewarding this lazy servant?" He says. "Just wait." God says with a wink. The pastor then plays the best game of golf in his life, scoring eagles, birdies, holes in one, the works. Finally, at the end of eighteen holes the pastor has set a new course record. "Father, thy will be done, but please, tell me why you are rewarding this man." Jesus says, in great distress as the pastor does a happy dance. God looks over at Jesus and says "yes, but who's he gonna tell?"

Why can't an eel and an eagle team up? Because it would be eel-eagle!

Indian chief So there's this Indian reservation, and the food stamps are 3 days late. People are starting to get uppity about it. So the local chief has to leave and go talk to the government people about it. He doesn't know English very well, so he is scared. But he makes sure not to let other see fear on his face. He goes down to the office, gets in line, and an old woman yells to him from the side of the room "hey! What's your name?" He answers "Red Eagle Circle Water." The woman replies "You don't hear a name like that every day." The chief is confused, and he says back "Yeah I do."

THE GOLFER'S CONFESSION A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

Jesus, Moses, and an Old Man Are Golfing... Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two. Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two. The old man takes his turn and whacks it hard. Right before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps out and bites the ball. Before the fish gets back in the water, a majestic eagle swoops down and grabs the fish, flying high into the sky where a lightning bolt zaps down from a cloud making the eagle drop the fish. That fish hits the ground and the ball rolls from his mouth right into the hole. PLOP. Jesus whips around angrily shaking his finger. "Dammit, Dad! If you don't quit screwing around you can't play with us anymore!"

Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly. Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team. After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother. She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t hat was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

Three men are standing near a magical river... ... and legend says that one who says something whilst jumping over the river will turn into it . The first runs and jumps and yells, "Eagle". He turns into an Eagle and flies away. The second man runs and says, "Fish". He turns into a fish, falls into the water, and swims away. The third runs, but trips and screams, "Oh, shit!"

Native American names (dads old joke NSFW language) A young Native American boy is asking his father about how he comes up with the names for his children. The father says, "The moment a child is born we step outside and the first thing we see is what we name the child. When your brother was born, I stepped out and saw an eagle soaring overhead. So I named him Soaring Eagle. When your sister was born, I stepped out and saw a deer running across the plains. So I named her Running Deer." The father turns to the boy and says, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

An eagle goes looking for a mate... He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon." The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk." Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, I don't make love." Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and picks up a duck. "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you made a mistake!"

Two Jokes about Tribal Names First One: A tribal girl once asked her father how she got her name. "Well, my daughter," said the wise old man, "you were given your name based on the last thing your mother saw before you popped out. Therefore, your brother is named Soaring Eagle, and your sister Crouching Fox. Now why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?" Second: A tribal boy, Single Raindrop, and his brother, Refrigerator, asked their mother how they got their names. "Well my boys," she began, "I named you Single Raindrop because when you came out, one lonely raindrop fell upon your head." To which Refrigerator said "AAAUUUGHGHUURRG"

3 Guys on a mountain (My go to joke) 3 Guys just climbed the the highest mountain in the Swiss Alps and they see an old man dressed in rags standing near the the cliff on the opposite side... The old man says *"Welcome to the Magical Mountain... This mountain will allow you to transform into anything you wish! Just run and jump off this cliff and in the air YELL what you want to turn into! Just like this..."* he runs and jumps and yells "**FALCON**"... he magically turns into a falcon and flies away! The 3 guys were amazed and all decided to try. The 1st guy runs and jumps and yells "**EAGLE**"... he magically turns into an eagle and flies away! The 2nd guy runs and jumps and yells "**OWL**"... he magically turns into an owl and flies away! The 3rd guy runs and right before he jumps he trips on a rock and yells "**SHIT**"

Superman is flying over the city... ...when he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked and spreadeagled on top of a building. Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could zoom down, do the business, fly off and she wouldn't know a thing about it.   So he zooms down, gets down to it and then flies off into the sunset all in the blink of an eye.   "What the fuck was that?" says Wonder Woman. "I don't know" says The Invisible Man, "but it bloody hurt."

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane. Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail. The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it. The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE!" The man turned into an eagle. The second man jumps out, and yells, "PIGEON!" The man turned into a pigeon. The third man gets a running start and trips out of the plane yelling "OH SHIT!"

Your mamas so dumb... ...she argues endlessly that Frodo could have just ridden a giant eagle into Mordor and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom from the air, even though all the characters in the book say over and over again that Sauron can SEE EVERYWHERE and that stealth was their only hope of getting anywhere with the Ring. Did it ever occur to yo mama that Sauron's GIANT EYE may notice a squadron of eagles flying straight for him carrying a halfling for no apparent reason, unable to hide or take any kind of cover? And that once his attention was well and truly focused on them, He would likely sense the presence of the Ring and be able to take action against them, like flying Nazgul or arrows or fireballs or any number of crazy evil magical spells? And that even if Frodo and the Bird Brigade were able to get past whatever Sauron would throw at them and get into Mordor, they would be flying straight into a very active volcano spewing smoke and ash everywhere, screwing with visibility and trajectory and making it like trying to drop a penny onto the roof of an apartment building in the middle of a heavy fog from a biplane that's currently on fire? And that if they missed or were captured, they would basically be handing Sauron the Ring on a silver platter? DID YO MAMA EVER THINK OF THAT? HUH?!

I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"

On A Rainy Day A little Native American Asks his Dad... Why is my brother named Soaring Eagle? The Chief replies, "When your brother was born the first thing I did was take him outside, and saw a eagle soaring through the air." The boy then asks, "Why is my sister named Sitting Bull?" The boys father says, "When your sister was born I brought her outside and the first thing I saw was A bull sit down in the field. Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled... "CRAP!

[NSFW] A native boy walked to his dad and asked... "Father, how do you pick your child's name?" The father responded "well, my son, at the time of conception, I look out of the teepee, and the first thing I see is what I name my child. For example, your brother Soaring Eagle, or your sister Rising Sun.... Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

The Eagle- an original joke A man is talking with an eagle. The man asks, "Eagle, how can you catch your prey so well if you just fly over really fast?" The eagle responds, "I don't know, I guess I just have a talon for it."

Walking Eagle Barack Obama spoke for nearly an hour at the American Indian Convention, referring to the audience as his red brothers and red sisters. Obama promised the native Americans expanded job opportunity, improved living conditions and a higher standard of living. Although detail was vague or lacking, his speech was enthusiastic and eloquent. After his speech, the Tribal chief presented Obama with a large plaque bearing the inscription “WALKING EAGLE”. The tribal chief was later solicited by an onsite reporter who said: “It’s obvious that the Indian people were impressed with the president’s address; but can you give us a little insight as to the significance of WALKING EAGLE?” The tribal chief replied: "WALKING EAGLE" is an old Indian expression that describes an eagle so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

What do you call an Eagle who can't catch it's prey? *Talon*tless. ...Sorry.

Many of my tumblr friends identify as otherkin. Be it wolfkin, eaglekin or yes even fantasykin. I myself identify as a jedi. So I'm forcekin.

What does a flying rabbit has on his back? An eagle

How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side

Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

Many ravens are called a congress... Owls are a parliament, eagles are a convocation and crows are a murder. Does this mean that a group of vultures are a corporation?

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Why did the sick bird get deported? He was an ill eagle.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf... Jesus, Moses and an old man were playing a round of golf and the score was dead even between the three players. First up to try and break the tie was Jesus. He wound up and followed through. The ball took a wicked dog leg to the right and fell into the water. Jesus walked over the water and made a beautiful chip shot for an eagle. "Great shot, Jesus." said Moses. Moses stepped up to take his shot and, like Jesus, his shot veered to the right and fell into the water. He parted the hazard and made a similarly impressive shot for an eagle. "Nicely done." said Jesus. Last was the old man. He slowly approached the tee to make his shot. Like Moses and Jesus, the old man's shot veered right and plummeted towards the water hazard. But just before it hit the water a monstrous bass leaped up and grabbed the ball at the very same moment that an eagle swooped down and snatched the bass clean out of the air. As the eagle flew over the flag, the bass dropped the ball into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus said, "Would you quit fucking around, dad? We're trying to play seriously!"

Did you ever hear the one about Superman and Wonder Woman? Superman's flying around metropolis and he's horny as hell. He's checking out the rooftops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there buck naked and spread eagle. Looks like she wants to get fucked right? So Superman starts thinking to himself, "Man I gotta get myself some of that wonderpussy." and then he realizes that he can fly down, do a little fast pumping and be gone before she even sees him. Because he's Superman. he's faster than a speeding bullet, right? So Superman, he swoops down, he fucks her so quick, she doesn't even see him. Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?!" and The Invisible Man says "I don't know but my asshole is killing me."

Superman was flying around one night... when he spotted Wonder Woman laying out on the roof of a tall building, butt naked and spread eagle. Superman flies down to his companion and starts going to town on unsuspecting Wonder Woman. He finishes his business as quick as a bullet and flies off at supersonic speed like nothing had happened. Wonder Woman looks around and says "What on earth was that?" A few moments later... "I have no idea but my ass is killing me." The Invisible Man replies.

The son of a native american chief was complaining about his name "Father, I don't like my name! Why did you name me as such!" said the son. And so the father replied in his broken English: "Well son, when your older brother born, I saw eagle in sky, and such his name, Soaring Eagle. When your other brother born, I saw big bear, and such his name, Standing Bear. So my son, what wrong with Two Dogs Fucking?"

Superman is bored... Superman is bored. He decides to fly around and see what his super hero friends are doing. He flies to the bat cave. He sees Batman and Robin fixing the bat mobile. He says "That looks boring", and flies away. He flies to the ocean. He sees Aquaman talking to sea turtles. He says, "That looks boring", and flies away. He decides to visit Wonder Woman. He flies to her window and sees her naked, spread-eagle on the bed. Using his super speed, he flies into Wonder Woman's room, fucks her real fast, and flies out. Wonder Woman jumps out of bed, startled. "Oh my god! What was that?!" The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

What did the Native American pornstar call himself? Spread Eagle

Bill Clinton One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies, and of course goes straight to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll be really nice, and even let you decide who leaves." Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. "No," Bill said. So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, forever and ever. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill. The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

A man goes to the confess his latest sin... "Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man. "What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "So THIS is when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

Three men lived on top a cliff One day, a god said to them, "my children, jump off the cliff, say what you want to become and you will." The first man jumped and said "I want to be an eagle!" and thus became an eagle. The second man jumped and shouted "I want to become a whale!" and thus became a whale. Just as the third man was about to jump, he tripped over a rock. "Shit!" he exclaimed, and thus became a miserable turd.

Wild Condor A group of bird watchers is out in the woods and sees a Wild Condor flying in the sky. Everybody is elbowing each other, pointing at the bird and focusing their binoculars. Right about then... a loud gun shot is heard and the bird falls out of the sky. The bird watchers all go running to where the bird fell and find that a disheveled man has already plucked the bird and is getting ready to roast him on a spit. Of course, the bird watchers take him in and press charges. The judge informs him of the serous nature of having killed a bird that's on the endangered species list and asks if he has anything to say before sentencing. The man tells the judge that he had been separated from his hunting party for several days, was lost in the woods, and might have starved if he didn't shoot the Wild Condor. The judge listens to his story and sets him free based on the premise that he was just doing what he had to do to survive. As the man was leaving the courthouse he was confronted by a group of reporters and one shouted out "What did it taste like?" The man hesitated for a bit and then said "Well, it was kind of a cross between a Spotted Owl and a Bald Eagle."

I saw a seagull I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle. One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle.

I was leaving the golf course yesterday... when I ran into a guy whose face was all scratched up. I was like "holy shit man your face is all bloody, are you ok?" "Yeah, but I just blew an eagle on 18

An aboriginal son asked his dad how they come up with names for their children. The father replied. "Well you see son, when your sister was born I looked out of the tipi and I saw a deer eating grass so I named her Grazing Deer. When your brother was born I looked out of the tipi and saw an eagle flying so I named him Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"

An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can't team up? Eagle: No, why? Eel: Because it would be EEL-Eagle!

Endangered meal One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Everyone loves birds, but men and women have different favorite species of birds For instance. Men have falcons, eagles, vultures etc as their favorite But women have great tits.

What do you call an eagle that is sick? Illegal

What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal

Jesus, Moses, and this guy are out golfing... and the hole is a notorious Par 3 with a huge lake before the green. Moses takes a shot and hits it right into the lake. With his second shot he parts the lake, knocks it on the green, and right after he putts it in for par. Jesus goes next and he too can't clear the water hazard and the ball just sticks on the surface without sinking. He walked right across the surface of the water where he chipped it in for a birdie. The two looked back at the man awaiting his shot with smug faces. He hits the ball and like the others it falls right into the lake. Jesus and Moses snicker a little bit before a fish swims to the surface with the ball in it's mouth as an eagle swoops down from the clouds and grabs the fish. As it flies away the ball falls out of the fishes mouth landing on the green where a squirrel runs across and pushes it into the cup for a hole in one. Moses throws down his club and looks and Jesus and says "Man I HATE playing golf with your Dad!"

Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?" "No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asks the Lord. "Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

One day Superman was really bored... So he was flying around killing time. Suddenly he sees Wonder Woman spreadeagled naked on top of a tall building. He has always fancied Wonder Woman so he thinks now's my chance as he swoops down and faster than a speeding bullet, does the business and then he flies off again. A moment later Wonder Woman says "what on earth was that?" Then the Invisible Man climbs off her and says "I don't know but my ass hurts a lot!"

A test of sanity The director of a psych ward suspects some patients of being completely sane. He calls for 3 suspicious patients to have them perform a simple test. “Look, this is a steel door. If you manage to get through the key hole, you get a special prize.” The first patient charges the door like a bull but as you can imagine, he ends up with a severe concussion. The second patient charges the door and performs an amazing jump that allows him to soar like an eagle, only to crash hard into the steel door. The third patient carefully examines the door, goes back to the director and says “It’s impossible to do.” The director, thinking he has exposed the patient as sane, asks him “why?” “Well, sir, you left the key in the key hole.”

Gliding Eagles Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers. They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other. The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!' The second eagle, calmly replies 'Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.'

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet. Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Donald Trump has just signed ANOTHER executive order it's about foreign birds of prey. the order states that any bird, specifically eagles, who have some sort of illness like flu will not be allowed to enter the country. Trump has labelled them - ILL EAGLE IMMIGRANTS

If the Eagle is the bird of freedom, and the Dove is the bird of peace ... Then the bird of true love is the Swallow.

3 guys go to a cliff Three guys go to a cliff to see the view. When they get there a wise old magician sitting there. He then says "since you are the first people that have found me in 20 years I will let you turn into something of your choice. But first you have to run and jump off the cliff. The first guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE. He then flys away in his eagle body. The second guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE A PARROT" he then flies away. Finally the last guy goes and right before he jumps he trips off the cliff. He then shouts "OH SHIT"

Why Do You Ask? One day, a baby is born on an Native American reservation. A young boy witnessing the moment asks his father, "How do we name the members of our tribe?" The man tells his son, "Well you see, when a child is born, and the new mother and father walk outside with the newborn for the first time, it is named after the first animal they see. That is why your sister is named 'Soaring Eagle' and your brother is named 'Dancing Fox'. But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country? an ill-eagle immigrant

A Priest and a Rabbi go golfing A Priest and a Rabbi go golfing. On the first hole, the priest hits a perfect drive right down the middle, and chips it onto the green with his very next stroke. His putt is a surefire Birdie, but he misses it. The priest throws down his putter and screams, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!!!" The Rabbi, shocked at this outburst, says, "Father, how dare you take the name of the lord in vain." The priest, embarrassed, apologizes. On the next hole, the priest once again has a perfect drive, and is on the green with his very first stroke. He putts for Eagle and, again, misses. The priest falls to his knees and screams, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!" The Rabbi is outraged. "Father, if you take the name of our Lord in vain again, I will ask his Holiness to smite the ground upon which you stand!!" The priest, again embarrassed, apologizes. Third hole. The priest has a beautiful drive, a beautiful chip, and misses his putt for par. The priest, no longer being able to contain his frustration, breaks his putter over his leg, falls to his knees, beats the grass and shouts, at the top of his lungs, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!!!" A bolt of lightning shoots down from the heavens, hits the Rabbi, and kills him instantly. From the clouds, a booming voice says, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED."

So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?" The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

Why did the eagle fly into the church? It was a bird of pray

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl. He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."

Even pigs have standards A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a Philadelphia Eagles fan are in a car together. the car breaks down near a house with a barn. The owner says, "Well, I only have room for two of ya, so one's gonna have to sleep in the barn." The Hindu holy man volunteers. Five minutes later, he explains, "I cannot sleep in that barn! There is a cow in there! Cows are sacred, and I cannot sleep on holy ground!" The rabbi agrees to take his friend's place, but comes back. "There is a pig in the barn. Pigs are unclean in my faith, so I cannot sleep there!" The Eagles fan, begrudgingly, goes out to the barn. Five minutes later, there is a knock on the door. The farmer opens it to find the cow and the pig.

30th Anniversary A man decides to buy flowers for his wife for their 30th wedding anniversary. He walks in the door and finds rose petals leading to the bedroom. Curious he walks in and finds his wife spread eagle on the bed in a brand new negligee. "What's all this about?" he asks. In her sexiest voice she says, "Well, I knew you would bring home flowers like you always do. This is for the flowers." "Don't be silly," he says, "I'm sure we have a vase for these somewhere."

Horny Superman was flying around metropolis...[NSFW] With his X-ray vision, he sees wonder woman naked, spread eagled on the bed. He flies in at light speed,has a quickie, and flies away with a shit-eating grin on his face. **Wonder Woman**- what the fuck was that.....!!!??? **Invsible man**- I donno., but my ass suddenly hurts like hell.!!

The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout. A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law.

3 guys decide to go mountain climbing After a few days of climbing, they finally reach the summit. All of them are in awe of the spectacular beauty they can see from being so high up. One of them men, tired from the trek, decides to sit down. He feels something underneath him. Curious, he pulls it out of the ground and he sees that it's a genie's lamp. The man rubs out and *poof* a genie appears. "Well", said the genie, "since there are 3 of you, you all get one wish, but here's the catch. You have to jump off the mountain for me to grant it." The first guy decides it's not such a bad deal and jumps off the cliff and yells "eagle!". The man becomes an eagle and soars into the sky. The second guy decides to jump and yells "hawk!" and flies off to meet up with the eagle. The third guy runs to the mountain side, but trips on a rock as soon as he jumps. "Shit!"

If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love? The swallow.

What do eagles and moles have in common? They both fly, except for the mole...

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a bald eagle A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently

Just trying to help. I was walking home from work the other day and found an injured bird by the side of the road, I decided to pick it up and take it to the shelter, on the way to the shelter, the police stopped me and arrested me. They said that what I was carrying was Ill Eagle.

What do you call a bird who wants to have a different personality? An alter eagle!

What language do eagles program in? [C#](https://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3tp03o/in_canada_we_have_some_nice_falcons/cx8608n)

Superman decides to take the day off... He hasn't taken a day off in a while and doesn't know what to do, so he calls Batman to see if he can hang out. Batman tells him unfortunately the Batmobile needs some repairs and he has to stay in. Green lantern is busy too. Feeling bored and unsure what to do with himself, Superman begins to fly back and forth over the country, watching the countryside beneath him pass by. As he's flying over the Rockies, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman naked and spread eagle laying on top of a mountain. He pauses and thinks to himself, "I could go down there and fuck her and fly away before she even knew what hit her." So, fast as a speeding bullet, he flies down and fucks Wonder Woman and flies off. Wonder Woman screams, "What the hell was that?!?!" And invisible man replies, "I don't know, but it really really hurt!"

An eagle swoops down from the sky... ...and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies. The mouse replies, "You ain't shittin' me, are you?"

A man in a Redskins hat... A man in a Redskins hat is also wearing a Cowboys shirt and a Giants jacket. A confused kid sees him and asks why the man is wearing sports gear from rival teams. The man answers him by saying he supports all the teams in the NFC East. The kid gets even more confused and asks, "then how are you supporting the Eagles?" The man replies, "by wearing no rings."

Why did the eagle win the talent show? Because he was TALONted!

A man walks into a bar with his talking dog... A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders a beer and a light beer for his talking dog. The bartender stairs at him, says "yeah, right" and the dog says "seriously, make it a Bud Light". The bartender is amazed. Pretty soon the owner has to break the seal and ask the bartender to watch his dog. While he's gone, the bartender hands the dog $5 and tells him to go across the street to Sully's and order a beer... 5 minutes later the owner comes out, sees the dog gone, freaks out and yells "where's my dog???". The bartender tells him he sent him across the street to play a joke on his buddy and the owner says "What the hell!!! He's a DOG - He'll run away!" and flies out of the bar. There he finds Fido, humping away on top of a beagle, and shouts "Fido - bad dog - I've never seen you do that before!!!" The dog doesn't miss a stroke, turns his head, and says "Well I never had $5 before".

God, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf.. So Moses takes his first stroke and the ball goes soaring. An eagle then picks the ball out of mid air and flies off the course. Then the wind picks up and steers the eagle back. Then lightning strikes the eagle dropping the ball back down and God says, "Are we here to play golf or are we gonna screw around."

I met a sick bird yesterday that got deported. The cops kept yelling about him being an "ill-eagle".

A young Native American brave goes up to the Chief He asks the Chief why indians have such funny names. "The day Soaring Eagle was born, a scouting party saw a majestic eagle flying high above the camp." The young brave clapped his hands with delight. The Chief continued wistfully, "A deer came splashing through the creek the day Running Deer was born." The young brave giggled at the thought as the Chief spoke again. "Standing Bear was born on the day a great black bear rose onto its hind legs to see on top of a neighboring hill." Scratching his head, the Chief queried the child, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"