50+ Dog Jokes

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..." Edit: OMG my first gold! Thank you!

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'" "That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!" **EDIT: Thanks a lot to** u/Green_Justice710 **and the 5 anonymous redittors who have awarded me for this... thank you! I'm glad I could make you guys laugh!!** **EDIT 2: Thanks also to** u/darknep u/JMetcalf3 **and 5 other anonymous posters... you're too kind!! Thank you!** **EDIT 3: Just spent the last hour reading up on all the comments and appreciation... this thing really blew up, huh??? Well, you know what that means right?? More Edits, lol... thanks to u**[**/BlackBeard\_727**](https://www.reddit.com/user/BlackBeard_727) **u**[**/Hirsty\_92**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Hirsty_92) **u**[**/Cparman9**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cparman9) **u/**[**WeHaSaulFan**](https://www.reddit.com/user/WeHaSaulFan) **u**[**/Serg2778**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Serg2778) **u/**[**Official\_Vsauce**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Official_Vsauce) **u**[**/Jocombs**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Jocombs) **u/**[**throwRAnoitsmydog**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRAnoitsmydog) **u**[**/walmartlifer**](https://www.reddit.com/user/walmartlifer) **u/**[**GregHawkwind**](https://www.reddit.com/user/GregHawkwind) **u/**[**OneBraveBunny**](https://www.reddit.com/user/OneBraveBunny) **u**[**/reddit\_guy88**](https://www.reddit.com/u/reddit_guy88) **u/**[**PolarJumper**](https://www.reddit.com/user/PolarJumper) **u/**[**NetworkMick**](https://www.reddit.com/user/NetworkMick) **and the multiple anonymous redditors as well. Glad I could tickle your funny bones!! (;**

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did. Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” Edit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey?? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!!"

PETA is like a box of chocolates They kill dogs

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.... A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

I'M PRETTY LONELY. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME THE WAY- A GIRL IN HER 20'S LOVES A DOG SHE'S NEVER MET BEFORE, Zac Townsend twitter: @smacktownsend

"All modifications must be restored to the original." I told this story to a friend. She suggested I share it here. My family and I moved into a house in 2008 - 5 bedrooms, 3,200 sq ft, $1,600 a month. It was a decent price in 2008, and the rent stayed the same for many years. Since I'm reasonably handy, I would fix things myself rather than bother an old man. I lived there so long that I also made quite a few upgrades. In 2024, the owner passed away, and his son inherited the property. A week later, he gave notice of intent to inspect the property. During the inspection, he kept trying to open drawers and look through my belongings, which isn't legally allowed, and was rude when I stopped him. As he left, he handed me a notice that my rent was increasing to $4,000 monthly, about $1,000 over market value. I would have paid higher rent if it had been reasonable, but I wasn't paying that much. My month-to-month lease was worded to require three months' notice to raise the rent. I pointed out this fact, then gave him notice that I would be moving out at the end of that three months. A few days later, I was served with an eviction notice. The month-to-month lease also required three months' notice to evict me without cause, so he tried evicting me with cause. He claimed I had made "unauthorized modifications" to the house and cited the back door with a dog door installed. I still had the original door in the garage and the previous owner's permission, so it was neither unauthorized nor a modification. Regardless, the judge decided I needed to move out within 30 days, or he would grant the eviction. Additionally, he explicitly ordered that all modifications be restored to the original. This is where the malicious compliance comes in, and I'm sure you already see this coming. All the "Smart House" additions I made were removed. The tool shed in the yard was removed. The pond was filled in. Closet organizers were torn out. Garage organizers were removed. The updated appliances were replaced with basic models. Every update I made was removed, and then I moved out. He sued me for removing everything. His lawyer cited a law that says any changes to the property become part of the property, and it's illegal to remove them when vacating the property. However, my lawyer pointed out the order from the previous judge, stating, "All modifications must be restored to the original." I provided receipts for all the things I had removed, proving I had added them and was required to remove them. I won the case, and he had to pay my legal fees. A few months later, I got a call from his sister. Some of my mail had not been forwarded, and she wanted to ensure I got it. We had a short conversation about the entire ordeal. She told me the house was actually inherited by four siblings. Her brother had lied to everyone. First, he had raised the rent, knowing I would move out. He already had a deal to sell the house to one of those big rental companies. He told his siblings the house had negative equity and nobody would get anything from the sale. In reality, the house was paid off and worth about $700,000. They had made an offer on the house, which included all the stuff I later removed. He couldn't afford to replace everything, so they took him to court over the sale. Since all four siblings were listed as owners, all were named in the lawsuit, which is how they learned the truth. In the end, the house sold for $550,000. In exchange for not pressing fraud charges against him, his three siblings split the proceeds, and he got nothing. **Edit:** A lot of people asked the same questions. Rather than respond to them individually, I will post them here. **Q. How did everything happen so fast after the landlord died?** A. I guess my wording wasn't clear. I don't actually know when he died. I only talked to the guy once or twice a year. This all started about a week after I was notified of his death in February of 2024. I moved out in early June. We went to court over the removals in September, and I spoke with his sister in December. Everything I posted happened over the span of nearly a year. **Q. Why did I rent for 17 years instead of buying a house?** A. I moved into the house during my divorce in 2008. Buying a house during a divorce is not easy. I chose this house because it was large enough for me and three kids and close to their schools. By the time they moved out, I was set in my ways. I planned to buy another place at some point but was in no rush. **Q. How did his siblings not know what he was up to?** A. I don't know. Everything involving me was my firsthand experience. Everything that happened after that was secondhand information I got from his sister. I can't confirm what she told me; I can only share what she said. **Q. Why did I do so many upgrades in a rental?** A. I wasn't tearing out walls or replacing floors. Everything I did was reversible and done to make my life easier. Also, the landlord was re

Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark. ​ Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to [Boot Camp for New Dads](https://www.bootcampfornewdads.org).

Sick doggo.

My younger brother has the kind of Tourette Syndrome where he constantly shouts, @gianmarcosoresi "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Obviously, he can't help it, but it's very hard for him to find a job. And I feel guilty because I was the one who taught him "fuck" was a bad word. If I had taught him "hotdogs" was a bad word, he'd be working at Yankee Stadium.

All dogs can smell drugs, It's just most of them aren't fucking SNITCHES! -Alex Avery @AlexAveryisdead

I was browsing Pinterest and saw where a woman had posted a picture of Michael Vick with the caption "SEXY CHOCOLATE" And I thought that was the best nickname ever because Michael Vick is so handsome. And so bad for dogs. James Etchison @jamesetchison

I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at! Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt. Me: that's because he's a party pooper! Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this. Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good. Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, He will be rolling in his grave.

My 9-year-old daughter just made a dad joke to be super proud of! My 15 year old asked me to call the dog. Me: What should I call him?! 15: ugh, dad, call him by his name! Wife: But he doesn't have a phone, how can I call him? 9-year-old: Well he DOES have collar ID! I couldn't be more proud of that child!

A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles But today he ran over 5 Miles

There once was a woman who had 100 children.... She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. .... It was a shitzu. EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)

True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in. "Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing." Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks "woof" guy replies

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

If you could get rid of one race which one would it be and why? I would get rid of the marathon. Running 26.2 miles is just crazy! EDIT: thank you for the 100 upvotes! I’m telling my gf I’m famous! 2nd EDIT: I work the night shift at my job and I just woke up to fricken 5.8k arrows pointing up!? This is awesome!! 3rd EDIT: request for a third edit, currently it’s 13:41 (central time) And I’m drinking coffee reading the comments. There’s a lot of people that thinks this is a f1 and or nascar question. 4th EDIT: the celebrity status is overwhelming me. People are stopping me on the streets asking for my autograph and selfies. About to go in for work now. I had to hire a bodyguard to follow me around. Thank you all. This is a blessing and a curse at the same time. If I don’t have a 5th edit later that means a crazy fan has held me captive. 5th EDIT: made it to work safe thank god. Elon musk himself sent me a tweet congratulating me on my accomplishments on Reddit the last 18 hours since this post, also told me to buy a doggy coin or something… anyway I find myself checking my phone every minute reading new comments. The popularity has consumed my mind. I cannot get any work done and the manager on duty is getting upset with me but then I remember I am the manager on duty for the night shift so I’m ok. I’m slowly going crazy for the need for more of those red, pointing up arrow thingys. It’s destroying me.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes. I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog

I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs I'll be in my lab.

"You Don't Sound Sick to Me" **Edit**: I am not an American. I used to work as a researcher in an in-bound call center. I loved the work, and the company was FANTASTIC when I started. But after 4 years they got bought out by a big international corp (a pretty standard hack and slash corp = buy up a profitable company, strip it of all assets, cut costs, slash quality, make good money until our well-deserved fantastic reputation is destroyed, then sell off and move on). Within weeks the company went from being fantastic to work for to just yet another shitty, tense work environment where the bosses take advantage of the employees. One quick example of how badly they nerfed the bonus structure - one particular bonus went from being able to earn up to a thousand extra dollars in 3 days to a single $50 Boston Pizza gift card. Previously all employees got paid varying bonuses under this scheme, but in the new system, only one person gets the gift card. And they had the nerve to get mad at us when the new, slap-in-the-face "bonus" failed to motivate anyone. I was good at my job, and not to brag but I was the most productive employee on the floor. We were given 15 PTO (Paid Time Off) days to use every year, which according to our employment contracts and company handbook were to be used for sick days, mental health days, and other personal reasons. No explanation was ever asked for, use them as and when you will. I always made sure to use up all my PTO by the end of the year as it didn't bank, previous management encouraged us to do so, and also there was no bonus for not using it. I followed the company rules, always gave plenty of notice, and only once left the team dangling with no notice (as I got seriously ill that time). The new management takes over and right away they start trying to intimidate us into not taking PTO. I hear a lot of this from my fellow employees, how when they call in the supervisors have started grilling them, challenging them, saying they "don't sound sick", etc. A lot of intimidation and bullying. So by the time I need to use a PTO day, I'm ready. I call in one day and tell them I won't be in tomorrow. They want to know "Why?", so I tell them I'm not feeling well. Their voice grows immediately cold, and they get a rude tone. "You don't sound sick to me". Being a smart-ass, I said, "Not even doctors try to diagnose illnesses over the phone" but they kept trying to push me. "Can you come in in the afternoon? You don't sound sick. You've been using a lot of sick days, way more than other employees." I got tired of being treated like a criminal for obeying the rules, so I got a recording app for my phone. I live in a one-party consent area so it's perfectly legal to record phone calls. Next time I felt sick I called in to work. Now they always began every call with a disclaimer "Thank you for calling XXX, for your information this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". I say hello, give them my name, and say "BTW, just so you know on my end, this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". Because I am recording the call, and I think it's only fair to let them know. The supervisor gives a perfunctory laugh, then says"So why are you calling in sick? You don't sound sick to me. I'll put you down as sick for the morning but you'll be in for the afternoon." I inform them that no, I am calling in for at least 1 day and will update if I don't feel better. She says "No, I'll put you down for half a day, you can call in again if you don't feel better." Once again I say no, restate my position, and tell them that is that. She gets really pissy and and starts insinuating that this might cause me to lose my job. "Why do you take so much more PTO than the other employees?" I take what my employment contract says I am entitled to. No more, no less. "Well, you should have a better team spirit, we'll have to review this with HR." Threatening tone, classical bullying playbook. I'm off the next day, come in for my following shift. "Go see HR". I sit down at Art's desk in HR (he's very much a corporate HR lapdog). He starts going on about how they're going to have to review my employment contract and consider whether or not going forward I am a "good fit" at XXX corp. Now in case I seem too calm in this scenario, bear in mind that, while I do prefer to remain at XXX for the time being, I do not care if they want to fire me. I'm very good at my job, I have had several job offers from competing companies, so the threat of being fired does not faze me. While Art is berating me, I take out my phone, and start playing the recording I made when calling in sick. Art stops, starts to get annoyed, then realizing he's listening to a recording of an employee verbally berating and intimidating a worker for exercising their contractual, legal rights. He excuses himself, and is gone for about 10 minutes, before returning, visibly angry but restrained. He tried to dress

Stop telling the dog “No.” Okay… So my MIL has a very cute but very bad dog I’ll call Fred. Fred has never heard the word “no” in his life. Whenever he does something bad, my MIL will just laugh and shrug her shoulders. When I visited recently Fred did a couple of naughty things and I told him “no” which of course he didn’t understand. After about the third time, my wife angrily pulled me aside and said to stop telling him no, since it is not my dog and MIL is getting upset. Fast forward to dinner, I’m sitting at the table alone while wife and MIL finish some last minute things. Fred jumps on a chair and knocks over a whole plate of pot roast on the floor and of course I say nothing. During the clean up my wife asks if I saw Fred at the table. I said, “Yep, I saw everything and you said I can’t tell him ‘no’, soooo…” My wife bit her tongue so hard.

My girlfriend spent two years telling me I say yes too much and then asked me to dog-sit for a week This requires a tiny bit of context. I am, by nature, someone who agrees to things. Not because I'm a pushover exactly, more that I just find it easier to say yes and adjust than to push back and deal with the fallout. My girlfriend Claire found this genuinely frustrating. For roughly two years she made it her personal mission to get me to say no more often. "You're allowed to have preferences." "Stop agreeing with things you don't actually want." "Just say no sometimes, it costs you nothing." She meant it kindly. She brought it up maybe once a month, sometimes more. She even framed it as personal growth, said it was something she admired in people who could do it cleanly without guilt. She was so consistent about this that it started to actually rewire something in me. I began to notice, then question, then occasionally decline things. Small stuff at first. I said no to a friend who wanted to borrow my charger for three days. I told my cousing I couldn't make it to his thing. It felt strange but Claire was genuinly proud every time I reported back. Then in late February her friend needed someone to watch her dog for eight days while she visited family. Claire asked me if I could do it. And I want to be clear that I thought about it for a real amount of time. I considerd the dog, the eight days, the fact that I don't particularly enjoy dogs in my space for extended periods, and the two years of dedicated coaching I had received on this exact type of moment. Then I said no. Calmly, without guilt, no long explanation, just "I don't think that works for me." There was a pause. Claire stared at me. I watched her go through several expressions in about four seconds. She started to say something, stopped, and then said "that's not what I meant." And I said, very gently, that I understood, but that she had been a really excellent teacher and I wanted her to know the lessons had stuck. The dog went to a kennel. Claire has not brought up the saying no thing since February.

Doggos

When my wife left, I was sad and lonely So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol. She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, buildings can't jump.

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW] I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

My brother in law told me to stop asking where everything goes in his house and "just use common sense" My sister and her husband bought a house last fall, and ever since then visiting them has felt like walking into a very nice Airbnb run by one irritated man. He has a rule for everything, but only after you break it. Shoes by the bench, except not that side of the bench because that side is for the dog leash. Mugs in the blue cabinet, except not the front half because those are "for guests." Dish towels on the oven handle, except one of them is decorative, somehow. Last weekend I was there helping my sister paint the spare room, and by noon I had already been corrected four times for putting things in the "wrong" place. When I asked where he wanted the paint tray washed, he sighed and said, "You don't need a guided tour every ten minutes. Just use common sense and act like you live here." So I said okay. I really did say it nicely, because at that point I was getting annoyed too. So I acted like I lived there. I rinsed the tray in the big utility sink, used the roll of paper towel under it, put the dog food scoop back in the bin with the food, and stacked the dried dishes in the cabniet that was literally next to the sink. About twenty minutes later he came downstairs looking like his soul had left his body. The paper towels were apparently for garage spills only. The scoop "cannot" touch the food because of germs, even though it lives in the food bin. And the cabinet I used was not for plates, it was for "serving pieces." My sister started laughing so hard she had to sit on the stairs. He said I was being smart with him, and I told him no, I was using common sense and acting like I lived there. Now there are labels inside half the kitchen, which honestly seems definitley easier for everybody.

Why do dogs float on water so well? Because they are good buoys.

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette... and every night we go out for a drag.

Here is ze dog.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?” ​

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash. A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes. The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped. The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute." Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The world's smartest man just took my backpack."

Poor doggo got no balls

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

If I’m not a “Full Time” employee… I went to a “for-profit” film/photography school and was a student worker (PT) in the “equipment check-out” (think camera, audio, lighting, etc… rental) department. My primary job was repairing damaged equipment, and I was good at it. One of the best managers I have ever had knew I was about to drop out of school in my last year because I couldn’t afford it any more, so she offered me a promotion to full-time (which would allow me to take my final 6 classes at no cost (though I’d be working full-time). When she approved my promotion (which included my pay-rate doubling!) I started working full-time. After a few days, she left for a 3 week cruise (a family vacation she had been preparing over a year for. With her on PTO were now only 2 FT employees in the dept. The rest were PT student workers, and none of them did repair work. I’d been working FT for 2 weeks, and she had been on PTO for 1, when paychecks came out… Mine was 1/2 of what I was expecting. They had not raised my pay-rate. I went to HR on my lunch break to dispute/discuss, and HR was next to useless. “I’m sorry, but your promotion has not been approved yet.” “These things take time.” “It might go through at the end of the month (2 more weeks). “This is not personal, it’s just the regulations.” I didn’t get mad. I didn’t yell. I simply told the HR rep that I needed to think about it. So I walked around the rest of my break and thought. <Cue Malicious Compliance> After that, I went back to HR. And told them this: “For the past 2 weeks, I have been working FT, and repairing equipment at the level of a trained technician. As you have stated, my Full Time position is not yet authorized, and as such I can only work a maximum of 24 hrs per week. It’s Wednesday afternoon, and I have maxed out my hours for the week. I’ll be going home now. I have a dog to walk and a pool to swim in (I was house sitting for my manager. Did I say that she was awesome?). I’m not quitting. I’ll be back for my regular shift next Monday, and I will be working 24 hrs/wk, at the level of a ‘student worker’. I’m sure the pile of broken gear will still be there waiting for me. Please understand, there is nothing personal about this… I’m simply following the employee regulations.” At that point I left the campus and drove to the house, walked the dog, and had a swim. Just before 5pm I got a call: “Matt, can you come in tomorrow morning at 8am. We have some papers for you to fill out to finalize your promotion.” Long Story Short: HR/payroll refused to put through a promotion to FT, that my manager had approved. I refused to work FT until my promotion was approved. My manager loved hearing it from HR when she got back. Edit: seems like a common question is: “Did I get the back pay?” Sadly, the answer is no, because the official promotion paperwork (contracts, employee handbook, etc…) had not been finalized and approved. ;(. But I did end up staying there for around 10 more years. Second Edit: Wow, this really blew up! Ive told this story before to people, and it’s my first real post (other than comments) on Reddit. To expand on the “back pay” questions: I was paid for the hours I worked, just not at the higher rate.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting a dog that looks exactly like her old one Apparently it just made her even more upset. She kept on screaming at me about what she was supposed to do with 2 dead dogs.

It is interesting how different nations have different sounds for dogs. An American dog goes woof, a Czech dog goes haf, a Dutch dog goes blaf and a Chinese dog goes sizzle.

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

My dog is the most obedient one ever. I asked him to play dead and he's being doing that for 6 years.

Can't be two minutes late? Long time lurker and first time poster on this sub. Sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my native language. So I used to work for this terrible manager in a pharmacy, let's call him Edwin. He was the kind of guy who wanted is to greet every client in an insanely busy store. He was the type that wanted to introduce a color wheel for when I made creams and such and he was an overall terrible person. Edwin was the type that didn't let me go to a funeral of a friend of mine who died at 23 and the next day he could leave because he had to walk his dog. After a few years I was done with all that shit. The last figurative drop? Him giving me this lecture in front of our patients when I was late because a bus broke down and I couldn't let in. He told me... Work hours are from 9 to 12 and from 1 to 6:30.. got it mate. I stopped going to the lessons we got from people during my break. And got on at exactly 9 to clock in. When he commented that I usually was early. I told him. "You said my hours are between 9 and 6:30. No exceptions?" Gave him a confused look. So whenever I was helping a patient. I would drop everything and stop at that exact hour. He fired me, I went to the union and was paid for 2 more years by this pharmacy. Later I learned, that during Corona... He made his people work with that virus. So what did I do? I called my counties FDA and told them all about it. The pharmacy is still shit down.

What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store

My Ex-Girlfriend is Like a Box of Chocolates She'll kill your dog.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

I watched in dismay at her malnourished body as she struggled with her chains while ignoring the food I provided her I found her cold dead corpse the next morning and hoped the next dog we got would embrace our vegan lifestyle

Dogs can't operate MRI machine but Catscan.

[Jul25] After my daughter was bitten by a dog, I accepted the owner’s apologies and let him take me out to dinner. Remembering the way his Rottweiler’s teeth had locked onto my daughter’s arm, I led him into one of the restaurant’s toilet stalls and started to tie my hair up.

My grandfather's favorite joke. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where ya left it. [My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.] Edit: Sorry I am relatively new to reddit so I've added some brackets thanks guys! Edit 2:I decided to show my grandfather this, he LOVED IT he was smiling after I told him people from the Internet liked his joke. He was laughing at all your jokes too (especially the what do you call a dog with no legs one). Thanks guys, it means a lot. :)

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet. Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs. If you'd like to ask me anything... I’ll be in my lab...

People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

At the dinner I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with the family dog lying and breathing heavily under the table. A boy sitting next to me suddenly whispered into my ear anxiously that it wasn't a dog, it's the operations that made her like this.

Good animal joke A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A woman had a 100 children. She sadly did not have the creativity to name all of them unique names so sho named each one a number from 1-100. One of them was named "one", the next was "two" and so on all the way to one hundred. But, in a tragic accident, 99 of the children died. The only one who survived was the one named "Ninety". Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and she even had a few children of her own, One day, while Ninety's children were playing outside, they stumbled upon a stray dog and they decided to keep it. Ninety did not want the children to have a dog so they hid it and named it "This" so that they could talk about it around their mom without her knowing. They would say "Lets go take This outside." and things like that behind their mom's back. One day, white Ninety's children were not paying attention, This walks out into the middle of the street and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies and Ninety's kids don't tell their mother even then. No one else ever hears about This ever again. Only Ninety's Kids remember This.

Mystery Shopping Nonsense Years ago when I worked at a major chain convenience store we had "mystery shoppers" hired by corporate that would come in and secretely evaluate the store. Employees' pay depended on these evals. I worked an overnight shift, 10pm to 6am, alone. That's important because the mystery shopper eval list included asinine things like "hot fresh coffee," "roller grill full," etc. Not having them would cause you to be docked points, and thus not get raises. Now if you ever worked this kind of job you know that is just silly during those hours of the night when there are few customers; the idea is to balance availability against waste. But after 2 rounds of my day coworkers getting raises and I didn't because per store policy I didn't make extra coffee or roller grill items during the night, I spoke to my boss about it. "I understand that this is corporate policy, and I also understand that our store policy is to not do this at night. What can I do as a night shift worker, to get a better evaluation?" Something along those lines. Not adversarial or anything. The boss told me, "just make sure you get full points on every line, that is your only job" and handed me another eval list to "study." OK, cue malicious compliance. For the next couple weeks, I made sure to make fresh coffee (decaf and regular roast) at 10pm when I got to work, and fully stock the roller grill. Hotdogs, jalapeno sausage dogs, taquitos... And then at midnight when exactly none of this stuff had actually sold, I closed the doors and went to stock the coolers. This took around an hour and is just something that's done on night shift. So at ~1am I would then toss all the roller grill items and pour the coffee down the drain and... make 2 fresh pots and restock the grill & reopen the doors. And then at 4, I would dump it all and make fresh again because it had been there for 2 hours.... The boss called me in and told me as long as I got tens on all the other items, I would be getting my raise along with everyone else from then on. "Just ffs stop wasting $100/night of stuff that doesn't sell." No prob, boss, thanks! (Too bad you didn't notice the issue until it cost your bottom line 😂) Please forgive typos, I try to check but I have 'fat fingers' from a medical condition and am using a small smartphone screen outside in the cold humid weather in Texas 🤦

"You know how dogs will get their teeth into the gaps in stuffed animals to pull the stuffing out?" I sobbed. The examiner nodded, jotting down notes as his partner pulled a sheet over what was left of Sasha.

A dog attacks a little girl A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read in the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl". The man says: \- "But I am not a New Yorker!" \- "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl." \- "But I am not an American!" says the man. \- "Oh, where are you from then?" \- "I am from Iraq". So the next day newspapers reads "Dangerous Islamic terrorist kills innocent American dog in front of a little girl".

Politicians ignore warnings about publishing everyone's data online. Back when every business and government was starting to get their services accessible online for the first time, there was a new law passed in my state that all local government public records must be accessible via the web. Those records held by local government included dog registrations, building plans/permits, property ownership information, etc. Until this point, you had to physically turn up at the local government offices and have your name recorded to access such information, but it was free to access and they were not permitted to deny you. At the time I was the webmaster for one of the local government areas in Australia. When this was first proposed, we highlighted that residents would be very upset by making this information easier to access, and potentially for people to 'scrape' the entire dataset. (Tests to prove you were human were not very reliable back then.) This was politics, so we were somewhat surprised that the politicians didn't see the potential public backlash. We also wanted to protect our residents from people who would try to abuse or profit from mass-access to this information. Our warnings were ignored. So we complied... maliciously. I wrote an absolutely brilliant information portal (with the best captcha we could implement at the time) which complied exactly with what the law required. We ensured the local newspaper knew the exact date and time it would go online and what would be published. It was easy to find and put in a lot of time to ensure news media would be able to easily demonstrate the potential harm. The following day, front page news about the massive privacy issues this could pose. That morning, we were told to take it offline and it stayed offline permanently. The portal was up for a total of 27 hours. In the aftermath, politicians tried to shift the blame to our local government leadership, who shifted it to us in the IT department. We had prepared a paper trail to ensure that those truly responsible were given all the credit for the project. And those who rebuffed our warnings, had their emails included in the freedom of information requests made during the investigation.

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name? Or was Snoop Lyin'? Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday. (His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

A sheepdog returns to his farmer and says, "All right, I've got your 70 sheep back in the east pen." The farmer replies, "What!? I have 67 sheep, not 70!" The sheepdog gives him a withering look and says, "I know. I rounded them up."

People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up What I'm doing is **natural** and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

I graciously accepted my fan’s gift as they handed me a cute stuffed bear at the meet and greet, telling them I would treasure it forever. But at home, my heart broke and my stomach dropped because as my young dog tore it up, an AirTag fell out.

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW] 1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep. Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep. Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW. She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes." "Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat." "How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow." My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these - "Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'" "How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."

Monday morning at school, the teacher lined up all the students to present their weekend homework assignment: “Sell something, and explain your sales strategy.” Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and made $30,” she said proudly. “My approach was appealing to people’s sense of community and supporting local troops.” “Excellent, Sally,” said the teacher. Next up was Jenny. “I sold magazines and made $45,” she said. “I told people it would keep them up to date on world events.” “Very good, Jenny,” the teacher nodded. Then came Little Johnny, lugging a giant cardboard box that he plopped on the teacher’s desk. Out spilled a mountain of cash. The teacher blinked. “Johnny… how much did you make?” “Two thousand, one hundred sixty-seven dollars.” The class gasped. “What were you selling?” “Toothbrushes.” The teacher blinked again. “Toothbrushes?! How on earth did you sell that many?” Johnny grinned. “At first, I couldn’t sell a single one. Nobody cared about toothbrushes. So I changed my strategy.” “I set up a free chips and dip stand downtown during the lunch rush. Everyone who came by tried the dip.” He paused. “And every single person said the same thing” “Ew! This tastes like dog crap!” Johnny nodded. “‘It is, I told them. Now… would you like to buy a toothbrush?’” The class erupted in laughter. The teacher, barely keeping a straight face, said, “Johnny… that’s disgusting! But… oddly impressive. What do you call that sales strategy?” Johnny shrugged. “The government method: give people something crappy for free, then make them pay to fix it.”

[JUL25] "You know I can't resist those puppy dog eyes" I blushed as I made my girlfriend a sandwich. *"Thu... thank you... dear" the bound woman whimpered as she gazed at the other famished girls, and prepared herself for the consequences of being his favourite for the night.*

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment... The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

I was overjoyed to be told at the Pearly Gates that all animals, being innocent, had been saved in the kingdom of heaven. However it was not my childhood dog who greeted me as I entered, but the deafening buzz of every insect that had ever existed.

The moment the midwife announced the baby was stillborn, the father tried not to show his excitement. Knowing his part of deal was satisfied, he couldn’t wait to get home and see if his beloved dog had made it out of the mound in their garden.

A blonde girl... ...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown. Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says: "if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?" "fair deal" the shepherd says and the blonde guesses "457". The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says "a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it". After the girl has picked her favourite of the pack, the shepherd says: "if i can guess, which colour your hair had before you dyed it brown, can i get my dog back?"

What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome. Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway. The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall. "Quick! Hide!" The brunette says, and the three women each crawl into a bag. A police man comes down the alleyway, looking around for any signs of the women. The potato sacks stick out to him-so he gives the one with the redhead a kick. "Meow!" goes the redhead, doing her best imitation of a cat. "Just an alley cat..." The police officer mumbles, moving onto the next bag and delivering a quick nudge with his foot. "Woof!" Goes the brunette, imitating a dog. "Just a stray..." The officer mumbles again, heading to the last bag, and giving it a light kick. "POOOOE-TAYYY-TOOOEE" grunts the blonde. _____ Edited to meet popular demand. For those who don't get the joke, the redhead and brunette both mimic things that might be in an alleyway-a cat and a stray dog. The blonde however wonders "What would be in a potato sack? Potatoes!" and thus tries to blend in by announcing herself as a potato. Edit Edit: I'm blond. I can make these jokes.

A woman walks into a hospital wheeling her husband with her in a wheelbarrow She stops at the front desk and talks to the admitting nurse. "Good day," she says. "Something is wrong with my husband. He was very difficult to wake up this morning, he barely touched his breakfast, and he hasn't done anything all day. Can you find out what's wrong?" She and her husband are whisked into a room. A couple of big, burly orderlies come in and lift her unresponsive husband onto the examination table. A doctor walks into the room and begins examining her husband. He puts on a stethoscope, then gets out a sphygmomanometer and measures his blood pressure, nodding grimly as he takes the measurement. Then he uses this stethoscope to listen carefully to the husband's chest, then he gets out a tool and uses it to peer into the husband's eyes. Then he sighs, steps toward the woman and delivers his verdict. "Madam, this man is dead. That will be fifty dollars, please." "He's dead? Really? Are you sure?" "Yes ma'am, he's definitely dead. Fifty dollars, please." "But how can you be so sure? You haven't run any tests or anything." The doctor sighs, goes to the back door of the room, and knocks on it twice. He opens the door, and a black Labrador retriever comes into the room and trots quickly up to the examination table. The dog walks around the table, sniffing the husband thoroughly. He walks around the table twice, sniffing as he goes, and licks the man on his cheek. Then he looks down at the floor, gives off a soft, plaintive woof, and trots back through the door, which closes. The doctor knocks on the door again, three times this time, and opens it. An orange-and-white cat comes in, walks to the table, and with a graceful leap lands on the husband. The cat walks around on the husband's body, kneading and purring loudly. It walks up to the man's chest and flicks Its tongue out several times, lightly tasting the husband's neck. Then it lets out a sad meow and shakes its head slowly before jumping down and leaving the room. The doctor turns back to the woman. "Yes, he's definitely dead. That will be $1,500, please.* *$1,500?! I thought you said it was fifty bucks!" "Yes, but that was before the Lab report and the cat scan. Those can be really expensive."

Won’t let me give you a warning? *Stinks* to be you Apologies for formatting, I am writing this on mobile. Also I’m not sure weather this would be better here or in r/offmychest or r/pettyrevenge, but I decided to post this here first as I feel it fits here pretty handedly. This happened about a week and a half ago, I was taking a walk in a small park that has a wooded area in and a few walking trails, I decided I wanted to take the shortest path as it was getting late, about halfway through the path I saw a skunk in the middle of the path (and I am sure based on the title, most people already know where this is going). I turned around and decided it was not worth it to proceed further, and approximately halfway was enough. I exited the path the same way I entered and as I was entering I saw an old teacher of mine from High School, let’s call her Ms. Samantha (not her real name). Ms. Samantha was a teacher that went out of her way to nitpick everything I did in her class in high school (note it has been almost 12 years since I last saw her and 13 since I was in her class). Anyway with the backstory aside, I went up to greet her and said “Hello, Ms. Samantha have you been-“ “Hi, I’m trying to take my daily walk down shortest path, don’t bother me.” “I wouldn’t-“ “You said Hello, this conversation is over until I get back from my walk, or you can walk with me and we can catch up. “I just want to warn-“ “This conversation is over for now, wait until I finish my walk and we can catch up, understand, JumpingCrowJoker24?” At this point I think for a moment, I am not the type of person who would normally just let someone walk into a potential skunking, but she was just rude to me twice and did nitpick everything I did in high school, so I chose to say nothing and just took a seat at the bench nearby. “See, was that so hard? We don’t need to be a know it all, that was your issue back as a student.” And Ms. Samantha went down that path, as she did I whipped out my phone and tested my parents that I’d be heading back to my childhood home a bit late, will help them with the dog later, but “eat dinner without me, I’ll be here for a bit longer”. One thing to take into account is that the entrance and exit for the shortest path we have exit parallel to each other the entrance is on one side of the bench I sat at and the other side was the exit (in this case entrance behind, exit in front so family can wait on the bench and see their relatives exit). Normally I knew I’d see her on the way out if she’d complete the whole route, but in this case I had a feeling I’d smell her coming out first, knowing her attitude. Sadly, my instincts were spot on, as I am on my phone playing a few games, I heard Ms. Samantha’s voice vaguely in the background and my thought at the time was “oh no, she ran into the skunk here we go”. And I do not joke that just as I finished my thought I heard the sound of a Woman yell, maybe a scream I couldn’t really make that out 100%, but the wind was blowing my way so I was downwind of the path, the skunk and her so it wasn’t long before I could smell what happened. Ms. Samantha did eventually come out from the path’s exit, and the smell she was omitting was awful, it reminded me a bit of raw horseradish getting peeled, as it was really eye watering. “UGH! Uh” she moaned. “I tried to warn you about that skunk” “I figured it out when I got sprayed, you knew I’d react like that didn’t you?” I shrugged, “I wagered a guess, ya. By the way mind taking a few steps downwind? So it is easier to talk?” After that she gave me her phone number and asked me to contact her when I planned to come back, she hoped it wouldn’t be when she was still reeking in skunk odor, As I said at the beginning of this tale it has been a week and a half, she still has some lingering skunk smell, I found out that up until that moment she was doing okay as well, but she also told me she got sprayed twice, when I asked her why she did not turn back after being sprayed the first time she told me if she already got sprayed and was going to smell like skunk anyway she wanted to complete her walk. A fun little anecdote is that after everything she admitted she was being petty and when I told her I still wanted to study the foreign language she taught and took some classes in college she told me that if I ever wanted to practice to let her know and she’ll do it without the pettiness this time. To be honest I think the skunking humbled her quite a bit and hopefully she won’t be forced to deal with residual linger odor much longer, but anyway thanks for reading!

My rubbish dog joke. A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'. The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!' The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?' Edit: Thanks for front page, but most importantly, adding to my collection of rubbish animal jokes!

"Bro, that last chick was hot but... ...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp." Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager. Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel? Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off to." The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog. Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!" Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"

Want your dogs to be off-leash in the park? It would be a shame if they escape! This is a unique one, because it was malicious compliance against me and my neighbors by the city. I can't stop thinking about how genius their malicious compliance was, so had to post here. Some back story: I live beside a four quadrant park, with cross streets going through. So each quadrant is one block by one block in size. One of those quadrant's is fenced in and may or may not be owned by the local school district. There were some shady deals and it's not clear if they ever legally owned the quadrant. I won't go into the details of that, but the neighborhood has been fighting for access to the park for as long as I can remember. Recently, that quadrant was completely renovated using public funds. Since it is used during the school day as an area for the kids, it has decent security. The only way in and out is through 4 doors at each corner of the quadrant. The deal struck with the community is that during non-school hours (M-F after 3pm, Saturday and Sunday) the quadrant would be open to the public and those doors would be unlocked. Shortly after the park opened, people (myself included - this isn't AITAH. I know I shouldn't have. This is a self-deprecating post) began letting their dogs run in this park. It was perfect, since it was completely fenced in. When others started complaining to the city, my wife and I stopped letting our dog in there but others kept using it. The city couldn't just lock it up and deprive everyone access, but how to prevent unleashed dogs? In my opinion, they came up with the most simple yet genius solution. Rather than lock all the doors to the park, they padlocked them **open** during non-school hours. Now, if you come in to let your dog run, there are four gaping escapes into a relatively high-traffic area that your dog could run through. I still see a few very well trained dogs running around in there, but most people are not going to risk it anymore.

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure," replied the vet, "Your duck is definitely dead." "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a healthy looking black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. It then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a printout. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you our full fee," he said, "which includes the cost of a complete lab test and a cat scan." The vet took the paper, handed it to the woman and said, "The bill is $1500." "$1500!" the woman exclaimed in disbelief. "How much for the rest of the duck?"

Don't assume I am a crook This happened a few years back, when I was between jobs, a mini-recession was underway, and I wanted a who-cares job in a high-energy environment. I ended up managing a food stand at the local NHL hockey arena. In the stand there was myself (Stand Lead), one head cashier, a cook, a runner, and a number of cashiers. This company started from the position that all their employees were crooks - sorry to be so blunt, but that was their reality. It was not an unfounded position - refilling beer cups and pocketing the cash from the sale was not a rare practice. I had two of my cashiers fired after secret shoppers caught them. The trick was to do this with non-inventory items. At the start and end of a night I counted everything: Beer cups, the cardboard triangles on which pizza was served, popcorn bags, bags of potato chips, etc. Bulk items could not be counted: Popcorn, draft beer, nacho chips, etc. At the end of the night we garbaged the bulk items that cannot be carried over to the next night: Cooked hot dogs, pizza sliced, popcorn, etc. We may have wolfed down a few items. "We're closed, I'm going to toss these three leftover slices in the bin, anyone want one?" I recorded the waste (three slices), but they may not have all made it into the garbage. Apparently some suit envisioned that stands might loading up with extra food from the delivery folks, or cooking extra hot dogs. Manglement got their panties in a twist about us eating the garbage, and sent a memo that all waste was to be boxed up and carried down to the warehouse. So we did as told. After counting the waste, into the box went a random assortment of pizza slices, hot dogs, and popcorn. It wasn't put in neatly. There was always lots of popcorn. Manglement probably didn't care about the popcorn, but the directive was vague so they got it anyway. The box was stuffed with popcorn. If the warehouse ever did anything with what was in that box, it would be a fermenting fly-infested mess by the time they got around to opening the boxes. At the after-work beer party the directive was discussed, none of the stand leads liked the assumptions made regarding our integrity, and they adopted the practice. A month or two later I had reason to chat with the warehouse on another topic, and I asked them what they did with all the food waste that was brought down. Answer: We toss it right into the dumpster, we're not digging through that mess. "You never go in and count anything?" Nah, the suits tried to make us, but we refused, we already have full time jobs and they wouldn't hire anyone whose job description was to dig through garbage. It's just the suits trying to intimidate you stand leads. I resumed binning my waste, and not lugging anything down to the warehouse. Nobody noticed. I passed the word. Neither we, nor the warehouse, told management. The empty suits never noticed.

A marine on his way home A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired," he asked again. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

A man came home from work... ...and found his five children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around the garden. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house, and there was no sign of the dog. Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. In the front room, a lamp had been knocked over and a throw rug was against one wall. The TV was on with cartoons blaring, and the floor was covered with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way under the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her, bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the world do I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane... Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer." So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?" Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl. So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level. "You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time." :)

You just want me to submit tickets, no exceptions? Okay. Hey all, been a minute since we had something happen in the pharmacy, but had something come full circle after a few weeks, just had to get time to type it all up. So back in October, we noticed our drive thru drawer was slowing down and the last time this happened it basically meant it needed to be cleaned/lubed up again since we use it a lot. What we usually have to do to get any traction and action is submit a ticket online so it can be logged, and hopefully worked on. Now I say hopefully because, well... the system is dogshit. You can submit tickets for anything for software issues, slowness with internet, physical issues that have to be fixed, etc, but getting some action for 80% of anything you submit requires some luck and hopefully getting someone who wants to help you out on the other end. To counter this and make things go smoother, we'd typically get in touch with management and they'd check in on the tickets as well so it would hopefully get taken care of sooner and not get higher on the severity list, which then may lead to an emergency and extra billing. We did have a great assistant manager that I could talk with and work together on this and we had great rapport, but he left early November because the new-ish store manager of a year basically drove out a lot of the old staff with severe micromanaging and cockblocking them on promotions, and she was a stickler on costs on the store. We asked to get two keyboards replaced and that was a headache as is. So since he was gone and it's just the store manager, I tried to talk to her about it and give her a heads up and was met with "Just submit the tickets and resubmit it if nothing happens." So just to make sure all was good, I copied the ticket numbers, sent an email and copied my pharmacy manager on it. I made sure to resubmit the tickets and also ask "So you don't want me to tell you verbally or on email from here on about any ticket issues, pharmacy problems or delays, correct?" She replied back yes, and so I didn't. So back to the drive thru. We had someone come out and check on the drawer, they said it would have to get looked at for replacement, so I made a ticket, put in all the info in that was needed and submitted it. Didn't say anything, just let the people do their job they were supposed to do. Resubmitted every 48 hours as the systems allows you to "bump" it if nothing has been looked at and did that for about 10 days with no action on replacement. Well, day 12 comes around and I opened that morning, and as I was taking care of someone, the shelf doesn't move. Had to have them come inside to get finished up and we had to shut down the lane. So by this point, since it's down and we really need some movement on this, we submit a ticket for an emergency to get this on the record and addressed. When a claim is done as emergency, we're basically guaranteed to get someone in there in about 2-4 hours, however it comes with all the charges that would make a frugal manager flip out about, with fees, premium time costs for service, etc, and then ordering the parts was done automatically, instead of needing the manager approval because the need was there. So you best believe when the manager got the heads up that an emergency claim was put in, she nearly ran over to the pharmacy to ask why we didn't tell her something was happening, and I gently reminded her the she said herself in an email to not bother her with issues and submit tickets accordingly, and since it had been almost two weeks and we now cannot operate efficiently, we now had to take this route. I think when we do emergency options our district manager also gets an email, but I'm not sure. I didn't hear anything from him though. The fallout was a huge bill for the store, since the system we had to get replaced was from a company that initially put the system in when the store opened in the early 2000's. So, they had to custom make this drive thru replacement cause it wasn't the current model they produce, have multiple visits to prep for the install, and as a cherry on top, the store got to hear a lot of complaints about drive thru being shut down for so long, and if the scores don't look good there, bonuses get lowered too. I saw an invoice of some of the work and the guy who was working on things was chill, but I think he quoted the drive thru production around 25k cause they had to put a rush on it, and that's not adding in the service fees and more. So a fix that could have casually be started at the first ticket and followed up on and finished sooner and for less cost, ended up costing maybe 3-4x the amount just due to the fees. Needless to say, the store manager has now conveniently asked me a few times here and there if there's any tickets in the system that need to be looked at. She's not my boss anyway, but that email chain is definitely saved in case it needs to be sent to our district manager

A young man visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time... He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible. "Rover!" Yells the father. Feeling relieved the dog was blamed, the young man let's another rip, this time a bit louder. "ROVER!" Yells the father again. Feeling one last wave of gas, the boyfriend let's out a nasty, wet, stinker. "ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU! "

The train was quite crowded. A US marine walked the entire length of the train, looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle, owned by a well dressed, middle-aged, French Woman. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may i have that seat ?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the length of the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down ? i'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didnt say a word; he just picked up the little dog. threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place.' An Englishman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things, you live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound. Fly: What kind of dog are you? Dog: I'm a wolf hound. Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that? Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf. Fly: I see... Dog: So, what kind of fly are you? Fly: I'm a horse-fly. Dog: **NO. FUCKING. WAAAAAYYY!!!**

Dad jokes I’m a gay dad and uncle. My partner came with a kid and nieces/nephews. Tonight my niece (4) told me after dinner that “All my Barbies died.” Without missing a beat I asked her “Should we notify her Next of Ken” and I actually made myself laugh, then told everyone that would listen in the house, including her in order brother (12), and then the internet. It’s not an original joke, but by God was I proud of such a milestone. Time to strap on the New Balances and start mowing. Edit: To the slew of people wondering what “gay” had to do with anything. Someone else below hit it on the head-I never envisioned having kids, so I didn’t think I’d have the opportunity to dad joke except with my dogs, and they roll their eyes at me anyway. It was never about gay or straight, it was just context that I came to the dad joke game late and didn’t ever expect to properly make MY kids go “uuuuuuuiuuuuggggghhhhhhhhh”

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his dad... and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!" Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!" Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up. So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty gambling habit, but I can't break him of it because he never loses! Can you help?" The teacher replies "I'll do what I can" Next day, Johnny enters the classroom. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!" The teacher demurely declines. All week, Johnny is pestering her about betting on the color of her panties. On Friday, Johnny repeats the bet. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!" She says "You're on!" and lifts her dress to reveal she isn't wearing any panties at all! Johnny pays the money, with much grumbling. The teacher ecstatically calls his father. "Great news! I made little Johnny lose a bet!" The father is astounded. "How'd you do that?" he asks. "Well, Johnny's been bothering me all week about the color of my panties, and today I didn't wear any, so he lost the bet!" A long string of curses comes over the phone. Teacher asks "What's wrong? Didn't I do it right?" Dad answers "Just this morning he bet me $50 he'd see your pussy before the day was out!"