50+ Divorce Jokes

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

"All modifications must be restored to the original." I told this story to a friend. She suggested I share it here. My family and I moved into a house in 2008 - 5 bedrooms, 3,200 sq ft, $1,600 a month. It was a decent price in 2008, and the rent stayed the same for many years. Since I'm reasonably handy, I would fix things myself rather than bother an old man. I lived there so long that I also made quite a few upgrades. In 2024, the owner passed away, and his son inherited the property. A week later, he gave notice of intent to inspect the property. During the inspection, he kept trying to open drawers and look through my belongings, which isn't legally allowed, and was rude when I stopped him. As he left, he handed me a notice that my rent was increasing to $4,000 monthly, about $1,000 over market value. I would have paid higher rent if it had been reasonable, but I wasn't paying that much. My month-to-month lease was worded to require three months' notice to raise the rent. I pointed out this fact, then gave him notice that I would be moving out at the end of that three months. A few days later, I was served with an eviction notice. The month-to-month lease also required three months' notice to evict me without cause, so he tried evicting me with cause. He claimed I had made "unauthorized modifications" to the house and cited the back door with a dog door installed. I still had the original door in the garage and the previous owner's permission, so it was neither unauthorized nor a modification. Regardless, the judge decided I needed to move out within 30 days, or he would grant the eviction. Additionally, he explicitly ordered that all modifications be restored to the original. This is where the malicious compliance comes in, and I'm sure you already see this coming. All the "Smart House" additions I made were removed. The tool shed in the yard was removed. The pond was filled in. Closet organizers were torn out. Garage organizers were removed. The updated appliances were replaced with basic models. Every update I made was removed, and then I moved out. He sued me for removing everything. His lawyer cited a law that says any changes to the property become part of the property, and it's illegal to remove them when vacating the property. However, my lawyer pointed out the order from the previous judge, stating, "All modifications must be restored to the original." I provided receipts for all the things I had removed, proving I had added them and was required to remove them. I won the case, and he had to pay my legal fees. A few months later, I got a call from his sister. Some of my mail had not been forwarded, and she wanted to ensure I got it. We had a short conversation about the entire ordeal. She told me the house was actually inherited by four siblings. Her brother had lied to everyone. First, he had raised the rent, knowing I would move out. He already had a deal to sell the house to one of those big rental companies. He told his siblings the house had negative equity and nobody would get anything from the sale. In reality, the house was paid off and worth about $700,000. They had made an offer on the house, which included all the stuff I later removed. He couldn't afford to replace everything, so they took him to court over the sale. Since all four siblings were listed as owners, all were named in the lawsuit, which is how they learned the truth. In the end, the house sold for $550,000. In exchange for not pressing fraud charges against him, his three siblings split the proceeds, and he got nothing. **Edit:** A lot of people asked the same questions. Rather than respond to them individually, I will post them here. **Q. How did everything happen so fast after the landlord died?** A. I guess my wording wasn't clear. I don't actually know when he died. I only talked to the guy once or twice a year. This all started about a week after I was notified of his death in February of 2024. I moved out in early June. We went to court over the removals in September, and I spoke with his sister in December. Everything I posted happened over the span of nearly a year. **Q. Why did I rent for 17 years instead of buying a house?** A. I moved into the house during my divorce in 2008. Buying a house during a divorce is not easy. I chose this house because it was large enough for me and three kids and close to their schools. By the time they moved out, I was set in my ways. I planned to buy another place at some point but was in no rush. **Q. How did his siblings not know what he was up to?** A. I don't know. Everything involving me was my firsthand experience. Everything that happened after that was secondhand information I got from his sister. I can't confirm what she told me; I can only share what she said. **Q. Why did I do so many upgrades in a rental?** A. I wasn't tearing out walls or replacing floors. Everything I did was reversible and done to make my life easier. Also, the landlord was re

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name... So I called her Bluff...

My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American. I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Getting Married in Heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?" “And as you can see… here we are. In bed.”

Joke from Spain (forgive my English) There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child. "I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife. "That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband. "Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife. "No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband. The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that. "Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest." "And?" She asks. "And I did!"

Redneck Divorce A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

10 husbands, still a virgin. A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house. Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!

So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense... his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it" she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me" "well, says the kid... "i know your age now" "and what is that?" says his mother "you're old" says the kid "and i learned your height" "which is?' says the mother "your really tall" he says "well, yes, i am tall for a woman" "and, i learned your weight" he says "and what is that?" asks the mother "a lot for a woman your height" the kids says the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that" "and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you" "Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license" "because, you got an f in sex"

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced Thank god the court granted me joint custody

I Want A Divorce A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

A guy finds an old lamp and rubs it. Of course a genie appears and grants the guy three wishes. The guy says, "I'm going through a divorce and every lawyer involved is a psychopathic thief. I want all lawyers on the face of the earth to be wiped out." The genie says, "That's awfully extreme. Are you sure?" The guy says, "Absolutely. They are all crooked liars, and the world will be better off without them." The genie snaps his fingers, and says, "Okay, it's done. There are no more lawyers. And that's your last wish." The guy says, "Wait. You told me I have three wishes." And the genie says, "So sue me."

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. An angel shows him to his apartment and gives him the keys to his Vespa. He's having a wonderful time in heaven until one day, at a stoplight, he looks over and there is a Ferrari. "Wow" he says to the man driving it, "nice car." "Yeah!" the man in the Ferrari says, "isn't heaven great? First day I arrived they showed me to my villa and gave me the keys to the car of my dreams." "Huh", says the Pope, "what...uh what did you do on earth?" "I was a lawyer," the man says. "Like, a lawyer for orphans or the environment or something?" Suggests the Pope. "Nope. Just an ordinary lawyer. I did wills and divorces, and small business stuff." Just then the light changes and the lawyer speeds off in his Ferrari. This rankles the Pope, and after a few days he goes to St. Peter to complain. "I was a pious man. I served God my entire life. I was the Pope for crying out loud. How is it that I'm living in an apartment driving a moped and there's this Joe Schmoe lawyer and **he** gets a villa and a Ferrari?" "Look," explains St. Peter, "up here Popes are a dime a dozen, we've only got the one lawyer."

We weren't ready for the unexplained shift when the fetuses of every pregnant woman suddenly shifted from the mothers' bodies to the fathers'. We definitely weren't ready for the surge of divorces, breakups, and arrests made.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband." "On what grounds?" "Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees." "No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?" "Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage." ^(getting exasperated) "Does he beat you up?" "No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work." "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" "We just can't seem to communicate."

DIVORCED & DRUNK A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A man and his wife die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates "Please could we get married again in heaven?" "I don't know about that, let me have a think" says St Peter A day goes by, and Peter agrees. He says, "I won't be long, let me just go and find a priest and let him know about what you want." A month and a half go by, before Peter arrives back at the pearly gates. The couple say "well actually Peter, because you've took so long, we have thought to ask you, if we don't want to stay married forever or if it doesn't go well, will we be able to get a divorce too?" "Are you being serious? It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?!"

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.

Mickey & Minnie Mouse are in divorce court The judge says: "I'm sorry Mr Mouse, you can't divorce your wife because she's acting silly" And Mickey says: "Your Honor, I didn't say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy"

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn't live with me always making star wars puns. I said "Divorce is strong with this one.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question. The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy. The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion: The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 75 double shots of whiskey... The bartender asks "Long day?" The man takes his first shot "Yeah. My old lady handed me divorce papers..." Bartender says "Yeah?" "Yeah," the man says, downing his second shot. "And then I get laid off from my job, so I don't have any income, and the rent's due this week." "No shit," says the bartender. This goes on for a while until finally he passes out after the 45th shot. The bartender dials an ambulance, but the man is pronounced dead on arrival.

I'm just back from Walt Disney world so.... Micky Mouse wants a divorce. Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie. Mickey (stunned): Why not? Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy. Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fucking Goofy!

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.

Who keeps the children? A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" EDIT: keyboard forgot quote marks

My wife said she's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession So I said: may divorce be with you.

Once there was a girl who always wore a green ribbon around her neck. There was a boy who liked her, and she, in turn, liked the boy. But he was curious. "Why do you wear that green ribbon around your neck?" he asked. "I cannot tell you" she said. "But why not?" the boy insisted. "It's not important" said the girl. The boy and the girl grew up, and were married. After the wedding the boy said "Now that we are married you must tell me about the green ribbon." But the girl said, "No, I will tell you when the time is right." And the boy sighed heavily. "What?" said the girl. "Nothing" the boy replied. "It's obviously not nothing" said the girl. "It's just that I feel like you don't communicate with me," said the boy. "Oh come on," said the girl, "Name three things I don't communicate about." "The green ribbon," said the boy, "other things I can't think of right now." "You always do this, you try to take one small thing and pretend like it's a recurring problem. Just because I don't talk about the green ribbon doesn't mean I 'don't communicate' in general," said the girl. "Don't turn this around on me. You're the one who's being weirdly secretive about the ribbon," said the boy. "What's the big deal? I just like it," said the girl. "You won't even take it off when we have sex," said the boy. "You're going to bring our sex life into it now?" said the girl. "I'm just saying I don't know what's going on in your head. Are you sensitive about the way your neck looks. Is it a body issue thing?" asked the boy. "Oh, fuck you. I'm PERFECTLY comfortable with my body, and I don't need you telling me I shouldn't be," said the girl. "That's not what I meant," said the boy. "Then why don't you say what you mean," said the girl. "I AM SAYING IT! I want to know why you wear that ribbon!" said the boy. "WHO CARES?! It's just a thing I do. It's a fun affectation," said the girl. The boy rolled his eyes. "What?" said the girl. "Nevermind. I'll tell you when the time is right," parroted the boy. "Fuck you," said the girl. "Fuck YOU! See how it feels?" "I don't want to do this," said the girl. "Fine by me," said the boy, "let's go to bed." "No," said the girl, "THIS. I don't think this is working out. I want a divorce." And then their marriage DIED BECAUSE OF MEANINGLESS BULLSHIT

Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce I wasn't planning on spending that much..

A husband and wife are having dinner... A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. ‪‪ The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who in the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage, and no more yacht club. Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit card, and large bank account." "But, he said, "The decision is all yours." Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Bobby?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says the husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies !

My wife asked me to stop playing wonderwall... I said alright. I’m sorry if that got annoying. She then told me that it was really causing a strain on our relationship and after all these years of just listening to it in the car, in the shower, while cooking dinner it was driving her mad and she was seriously considering divorce. I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten and it hit me hard. We both cried and held each other that night, saying things that we hadn’t said for a long time. We both felt so much lighter and closer. I told her I’d still be listening to it as often as I can when she wasn’t around though. Hearing that, she said that she was really worried about me and that I should go see a counselor. I said maybe...

Me, "Knock, knock" . Wife (rolls eyes) "Who's there?" Me, "Dishes" . Her, "Dishes who?" Me, "Dishes Sean Connery." (She now wants divorce.)

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem... The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

There are four kinds of sex HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Calling in sick... A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go. The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the rest of the week selling record amounts of computers and TVs and other goods. The following Monday, the boss got a call - it was the new employee calling in. "Sorry boss - I'm really sick!" The boss was getting more annoyed with him. Tuesday the young guy was in and selling even more than last week. He finished up the week making a new record for sales for his state. Next Monday the new guy called in sick again and the boss decided it was time for a chat with him. So on Tuesday the guy rocks up to work and the boss pulls him aside. "Bob, you're a great salesman, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays - What's going on?" "Well boss. My sister's just gone through an awful divorce and she calls me every Monday morning crying, so I go over to her house and comfort her. We always wind up making love for the rest of the day..." "THAT'S SICK!" "I told you..."

Divorce An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.

Can we get married? On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

Why did the woman divorce the grape? She was tired of raisin' kids.

Judge: "Micky, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse, because she is not crazy" "I didn't say she was crazy Judge, I said she was fucking Goofy"

Three men walk into a bar, sit down and order three beers. The first man has an iguana on his shoulder, the second man is holding a cat but not wearing any pants, and the third man is covered head-to-toe in bees. The bartender sets a beer in front of the first man and asks, "What's the deal with the iguana?" The first man says, "Oh, I'm recently unemployed. I was a zookeeper, actually, and since I like reptiles, they let me keep him as part of my severance package." The bartender sets a beer in front of the second man and asks about his situation. "I just got divorced. My wife took everything-- the house, the kids, the car, even most of my clothes. All I have left is this cat that I love." Lastly, the bartender sets a beer in front of the man covered in bees and asks him, "All right, what's your story?" And the man with the bees screams, "Get these frigging bees off me!"

a Polish man moved to the USA and married an american girl. A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~

Maybe in 9 months we're gonna have a baby boom; but in 3 months we're gonna have a divorce boom.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Grounds for divorce A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madan, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me.”

Husband to wife: Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery? Wife: I'd divorce you and take half the money Husband: Well I won $10, here's your 5, now fuck off!

A man dies on his wedding day A man and wife are about to get married but all he can remember is lots of smoke suddenly in the church...then fainting to get up to find St Peter staring down at him with his wife next to him. He gets up to find he is at the Pearly gates, his wife tells him there was a bad fire and they both died. They talk for a bit and ask St Peter, "we are Catholics and marriage is important to us, so can we get married?" St Peter thinks for a while and says "we normally don't allow that up here but as you died on your wedding day and technically, you are not in heaven yet we will make an exception. Wait here while I find a priest to marry you before entering heaven". 6 weeks later St Peter returns with a Priest. while waiting so long the couple start to talk and think maybe an eternity married might be a long time, so ask St Peter "what if we want a divorce?" St Peter throws his arms up in the air, and says "it took me 6 weeks to find a Priest up here, how am I going to find a lawyer up here?"

A married couple is driving... down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph. "I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." 70 mph. "I want the house as well." 75 mph. "I want the kids." 80 mph. "And I want the bank account and all the credit cards." 85 mph. "You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?" "I've got all I need." "What's that?" "The airbag."

"You don't know Jack Schitt!" Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it... The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

Donald Duck wanted a divorce for Daisy His lawyer tells Donald, "I am sorry, but you can't divorce Daisy just because she is insane." Donald replies, "I never said she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy."

I lost 189 lbs in one week. By getting a divorce.

Following "Parental" figure instructions About 20 years ago my siblings and myself lived mainly on a very small hobby farm with one parent and a step-"father". Living in the U.S., they were married when I started middle school and divorced when I was in my senior year of high school. He had a ton of issues, including anger management, and I was the only one willing to talk back to him. We also had multiple people, mostly other children, coming over to get lessons (given by myself) with the horses in exchange for their help. This was a huge help to me since my siblings did basically nothing with all the animals (chickens, turkeys, pigs, horses, cats), even though they were supposed to, so to keep them alive I took care of them over 80% of the time. Well this step-dickhead's rule was manure was to be dumped between two poles, and he was supposed to move the poles so the older piles would age into fertilizer, to be removed from the small property. Of course he would get aggressively mad at me when new manure would get tossed on older manure ready to get transported out, and would attempt to force me to have everyone follow his instructions. Well his instructions continued to be to dump waste between two poles. So I just kept that up. Until everything ended up blending together because he would not keep up with moving the poles. He blew up at me but I just reiterated his instructions back, which led to more anger from him, but being able to just repeat his instructions back that led to the mess he was mad about felt pretty damn good.

If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?

An elderly man in Texas calls his son in New York... and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she said as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and then turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island... ...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray every Sunday. But after a little while, everyone gets, well, restless. To be blunt, they're all horny and have no sexual outlets. Being devoutly religious people, pre-marital sex is out of the question. So, they come up with a system. The woman marries one of the men for a week, then gets a divorce and marries the other man for a week. They just go back and forth like this. This way, each of the guys get seven days full of sex every other week, and the girl gets laid whenever she wants. This situation works out great, and their three-person community is thriving. But after eight months of this, the woman gets bit by a poisonous snake and dies. The first week is really rough. The second week is even worse. The third week is just plain terrible. The fourth week is practically unbearable. So on the fifth week, they decide to bury the body.

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem? Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time. Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

My stoner neighbors got divorced but it's okay because they got joint custody

My wife divorced me today, saying I was too ‘Un-American’... I saw it coming a kilometer away.

Divorce An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Custody Case A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" 😂

How to be a gracious bitch Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court The judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

Minnie and Mickey Mouse are getting a divorce... The divorce court judge looks down at the paperwork and says to Mickey "It says here that you want to divorce Minnie because you think she is crazy?" And Mickey replies, "No, I said I want a divorce because she is fucking Goofy!"

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. No one knows, they never get the house.

Mickey Mouse is getting a divorce from Minnie. The Judge says: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't grant you a divorce because you say she is insane." Mickey Says: "Judge, I didn't say she was insane, I said she's fucking Goofy."

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce... Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

A farmer walked into an attorneys office... A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.” The attorney asked, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer replied, “Yeah. I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.” The attorney said, “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.” The exasperated attorney said, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer said, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.” Finally, the attorney asked, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” And the farmer replied, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!”

A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday. She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage? Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns. Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth... The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking. The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing. In his desperation the father calls out, "Help! My son is choking on a nickel. Someone help!" Up walks an attractive woman dressed in a business suit, brief case in hand. She reaches out and grabs the kid by the balls and gives a hard squeeze, with a cough and a spurt, out pops the nickel. Without missing a beat, she catches the nickel in mid air and pops it in her pocket. Amazed the dad asks, "Are you a doctor? I've never seen anyone do that for a choking victim." "No, sir." Says the attractive woman. "Im a divorce lawyer."

The problem with getting married in heaven.. On their way to get married a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them. While they're waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone's ever asked. Let me go and find out," and he leaves. The couple sits around for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all, What if it doesn ' t work out, they wonder. Are we stuck together forever? St. Peter returns after another month looking somewhat worn out. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in heaven. " " Great , " says the couple, " but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven? " St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What ' s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Christ!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer? "

Divorce versus Murder A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife. The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The Psychic Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions. In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness. The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman and delivers the grave news: "There's no easy way to say this... Your husband is planning to move all of the money in your joint account to an offshore bank, then file for divorce and marry his tennis instructor." She sighs heavily, peers again into the crystal ball, then gasps. "Wait!" she says. "You must prepare yourself. Before he can do these things, he will die a violent and horrible death." Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the psychic's lined face, then at the crystal ball, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply has to know. She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I be acquitted?"

DIVORCE Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, because they never get the house.

Not a woman or a farmer, but a Polish man goes to a divorce lawyer.... A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day the Polish man rushed into a lawyer's office and asked the lawyer if the lawyer could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: *Have you any grounds?* Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. *No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?* It made of concrete. *I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?* No, we have carport, and not need one. *I mean what are your relations like?* All my relations still in Poland . *Is there any infidelity in your marriage?* We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. *Does your wife beat you up?* No, I always up before her. *Is your wife a nagger?* No, she white. *Why do you want this divorce?* She going to kill me. *What makes you think that? What kind of proof?* She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it says: **Polish Remover**

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

A few months after his parents were divorced... Little Johnny passed by his mother's bedroom to find her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next few months, this continued. When Little Johnny came home from school one day, he heard his mother moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, ripped off his clothes, threw himself onto his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a PS4, I need a PS4!" Edit: a word

Is it okay to marry your second cousin? [xpost from /r/dadjokes] Sure, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one.

A man was shocked! A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening. "I'm so horny that I can't stand it," she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and get laid. Are you free tonight?" "Yes" he replied enthusiastically. "Wonderful," she said. "Would you watch my kids?"

A farmer walked into a attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce... The farmer said; "Yea, I want to get me one of those Day-vorces." The attorney said; "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said; "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said; "No sir, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said; "No I don't have a case, but I have a John Deere....." The attorney said; "No, you don't understand, do you have any grudges?" The farmer said; "Yea I have a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said; "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said; "Yea, I have a suit wear it to Church on Sundays." The attorney said; "Well sir, does you wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said; "No sir, we both get up at 04:30." The attorney then said; "Well is she a nagger?" "No," said the farmer; "She's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this here Day-Vorce!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started rubbing himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"

I’m a big Star Wars fan, so when I told my wife I wanted to end our marriage, I said May divorce be with you

Family xmas problem solved An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Family dynamics Long joke time: A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “Your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the man says. “Call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they're getting a divorce. I’ll take care of this!” she shouts. She calls her dad and says, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. We’ll both be there tomorrow!” and she hangs up. The man ends the call, smiles and turns to his wife. “Good news! The kids are coming for Easter and paying their own way.” 😂

Mickey Mouse arrives in divorce court The judge says, "So you want to divorce Minnie just because she is mentally deranged?" Mickey responds," I never said that she was mentally deranged I said she was fucking Goofy".

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp When he rubs it, out pops a female genie. The genie says "I am the feminist genie. While I do have to grant your wishes exactly as you ask, I sense that you are divorced. Therefore, no matter what you wish for will be also given to your ex wife in double the amount." The man ponders his situation for a moment and says "Build me a 20 room mansion." "Done!" says the genie "and your ex wife now has a 40 room mansion" "Put 10 million dollars in my bank account" requests the man. "As you wish" exclaimed the genie "and at the same time I have given your ex wife 20 million dollars" "Awesome.", said the man. "Now listen carefully..." "Yes?" Said the genie leaning in closer. The man smiled and whispered: "Beat me half to death"

Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom I saw her driving license. she has an F in sex

A wife is yelling at her husband. "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!" As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

All I want... When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

[Star Wars spoiler] What did Han.... Tell Leia after they separated? ----- *May Divorce be with you.*

At the post office.... A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

I didn't say she was insane Mickey and Minnie Mouse are meeting with a divorce lawyer. The lawyer turns to Mickey and says, "I'm afraid that insanity is not a plausible reason for divorce." Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

The Greek Legal System A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

What happens when two pastries divorce? They have a custardy battle