100+ Dating Jokes

"Mom, I'm dating a man." "Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood." ​ EDIT: Thanks for the gold!

My 16yo son was on a long video chat with his girlfriend and wouldn't come out of his room for dinner. I barged in and yelled: "Son, I got ya that hemroid cream you asked for." He died laughing. His girlfriend died laughing. His girlfriend's mom was on screen in the background, she died laughing. It was a good hit. Glad I he's dating a girl who saw the humor in it.

Important calculation due? Sorry, no WFH allowed I am currently in my malicious compliance phase at work right now. I got ripped a new one last week because I needed to work from home in order to get some urgent stuff done for a conference I needed to attend the following week. I was explicitly told that I could not work from home without approval. And I was told that I signed a policy about it. I responded that my job requires me to work from home all the time, to which they replied, "You signed the policy." So now, after I leave the office, I turn off my work issued cell phone and never look at it on the weekends. I am a salaried employee, but I am not going to beg my employer to allow me to work from home. This weekend I got a call on my personal cell from one of the other managers about approving some billing rates that were due. I told her that I wasn't allowed to work from home, and I will get to it on Monday whenever I have the opportunity. Everything will be late, but I signed the policy. It literally would have cost them nothing to just let me do my damn job. I already get paid a fixed rate. But if they want to play stupid games, they can win stupid prizes. EDIT: So a number of comments asking about why I would even bother to WFH after hours. Here is my take, my employer is not paying me to sit in an office for 40 hours a week. They're paying me to do a relatively specialized job. Sometimes I do 30 hours a week. Sometimes 40. Sometimes more. Whatever it takes to do the job. It has been extremely flexible for me in the past and has allowed me to balance family, work, and a few volunteer activities. This isn't really an anti work thing, more of an anti-this-particular-person on a power trip. UPDATE: Monday came and went and not a peep from anyone about the rates getting out. Fixed a couple of bugs, but I think the other manager edited the PDF reports to get them out the door. Also, the deadline for it was pushed back a week. So everyone survived, but I have made some changes. Change #1, I am no longer taking my work cell home with me. It is freeing and anxiety-inducing at the same time after doing so for so long. Change #2, I have informed any staff that may need to contact me that I won't be doing anything work related once I walk out of the office. Change #3, I am updating my resume today, it's time to leave. Thanks to everyone for their feedback. Wish you all the best! UPDATE 2: Received a new job offer. Waiting for the official offer letter before putting in my notice. Good luck to everyone out there in this struggle economy.

So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?" He said "Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure... ... And Brian's got a cock"

A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl..... A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

"You Don't Sound Sick to Me" **Edit**: I am not an American. I used to work as a researcher in an in-bound call center. I loved the work, and the company was FANTASTIC when I started. But after 4 years they got bought out by a big international corp (a pretty standard hack and slash corp = buy up a profitable company, strip it of all assets, cut costs, slash quality, make good money until our well-deserved fantastic reputation is destroyed, then sell off and move on). Within weeks the company went from being fantastic to work for to just yet another shitty, tense work environment where the bosses take advantage of the employees. One quick example of how badly they nerfed the bonus structure - one particular bonus went from being able to earn up to a thousand extra dollars in 3 days to a single $50 Boston Pizza gift card. Previously all employees got paid varying bonuses under this scheme, but in the new system, only one person gets the gift card. And they had the nerve to get mad at us when the new, slap-in-the-face "bonus" failed to motivate anyone. I was good at my job, and not to brag but I was the most productive employee on the floor. We were given 15 PTO (Paid Time Off) days to use every year, which according to our employment contracts and company handbook were to be used for sick days, mental health days, and other personal reasons. No explanation was ever asked for, use them as and when you will. I always made sure to use up all my PTO by the end of the year as it didn't bank, previous management encouraged us to do so, and also there was no bonus for not using it. I followed the company rules, always gave plenty of notice, and only once left the team dangling with no notice (as I got seriously ill that time). The new management takes over and right away they start trying to intimidate us into not taking PTO. I hear a lot of this from my fellow employees, how when they call in the supervisors have started grilling them, challenging them, saying they "don't sound sick", etc. A lot of intimidation and bullying. So by the time I need to use a PTO day, I'm ready. I call in one day and tell them I won't be in tomorrow. They want to know "Why?", so I tell them I'm not feeling well. Their voice grows immediately cold, and they get a rude tone. "You don't sound sick to me". Being a smart-ass, I said, "Not even doctors try to diagnose illnesses over the phone" but they kept trying to push me. "Can you come in in the afternoon? You don't sound sick. You've been using a lot of sick days, way more than other employees." I got tired of being treated like a criminal for obeying the rules, so I got a recording app for my phone. I live in a one-party consent area so it's perfectly legal to record phone calls. Next time I felt sick I called in to work. Now they always began every call with a disclaimer "Thank you for calling XXX, for your information this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". I say hello, give them my name, and say "BTW, just so you know on my end, this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". Because I am recording the call, and I think it's only fair to let them know. The supervisor gives a perfunctory laugh, then says"So why are you calling in sick? You don't sound sick to me. I'll put you down as sick for the morning but you'll be in for the afternoon." I inform them that no, I am calling in for at least 1 day and will update if I don't feel better. She says "No, I'll put you down for half a day, you can call in again if you don't feel better." Once again I say no, restate my position, and tell them that is that. She gets really pissy and and starts insinuating that this might cause me to lose my job. "Why do you take so much more PTO than the other employees?" I take what my employment contract says I am entitled to. No more, no less. "Well, you should have a better team spirit, we'll have to review this with HR." Threatening tone, classical bullying playbook. I'm off the next day, come in for my following shift. "Go see HR". I sit down at Art's desk in HR (he's very much a corporate HR lapdog). He starts going on about how they're going to have to review my employment contract and consider whether or not going forward I am a "good fit" at XXX corp. Now in case I seem too calm in this scenario, bear in mind that, while I do prefer to remain at XXX for the time being, I do not care if they want to fire me. I'm very good at my job, I have had several job offers from competing companies, so the threat of being fired does not faze me. While Art is berating me, I take out my phone, and start playing the recording I made when calling in sick. Art stops, starts to get annoyed, then realizing he's listening to a recording of an employee verbally berating and intimidating a worker for exercising their contractual, legal rights. He excuses himself, and is gone for about 10 minutes, before returning, visibly angry but restrained. He tried to dress

You want me to answer your office phone for you while I am working from home? Several years ago, a friend ("Mark") started a home-based computer software business. He and his wife lived in their home for about 10 years and had a well-established home phone number. This was around the time that cell phones were just beginning to be popular, so 95% of people still used mainly landlines. Mark worked 2pm-10pm, the same shift as his wife, so his customers could be free to discuss their computer needs uninterrupted after their own businesses closed for the day. Most computer maintenance still had to be done in person instead of remotely, so customers could drop off devices after work and pick them up from Mark’s back porch on their way to work the next day. All went swimmingly for a few months until a new doctor opened up a practice in town, complete with a telephone number differing from Mark’s by one digit. Mark's number had a ‘3’ where the medical office had an ’8’ in the last 4 number combination. Misdialing was frequent. At first there were occasional calls to which Mark would patiently redirect the caller. As time wore on and the practice got more and more referrals from local hospitals to give Dr. Newintown an established client base, the calls began to come at all hours, 24 hours a day: weekends nights holidays you name it. The office still got calls after hours to an answering service for patients to find out who was on call, and for the hospital staff to reach doctors after hours. Mark had to unplug the phone just to have a conversation over lunch with his wife, and in order to sleep. Also not ideal when you have 3 daughters of dating age out after dark. Mark called the doctor’s office and asked them to please change their phone number so he and his family could get some peace and quiet, and so he could build his own business to support them. Since he had his phone longer, he felt the doctor should be gracious and change his number to a different one to stop the confusion. He was told in about so many words by the doctor that it was too bad, but nothing was going to be done, as advertising, stationery, business cards and signage were expensive to redo, not to mention convey the new information to all his patients, medical registries, the medical board and societies, and hospitals. "Just do the best you can, I'm sure the calls will stop soon. Good luck to you!" "Okey Dokey!! I'll do my best to take care of things!" Mark cheerfully replied. After that, Mark began to field all the calls that came in personally. "You've had the sniffles all morning after working in the yard around pollen? You'd better come right in!" “You start coughing every time you smoke a cigarette? Come on in!!” “Hmm…I’m not the doctor, but a temperature of 98.9 sounds a little high to me. We’ll see you right after lunch today.” "You're new in town and have kids who need physicals and shots for school next week? It just so happens we have an opening in an hour. No, no, don't worry we can take all 5 of them at once, today." Whatever the problem was, he started making appointments for each and every person calling. All were delighted to have such personal attention and prompt appointments. "Sure, we take ALL insurance plans. Come right in!" He also made routine checkup type appointments for 4:30 pm one Friday afternoon for 6 different people. Bright and early the next Monday morning, Dr. Newintown called and begged him to stop. Mark said :"I will if you will." The doctor had a new phone number before the end of the week.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot... The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

“If you don’t want to be here then leave, because I don’t need you” The shift lead who said it, Adriana 20-something, tried to get me fired after dismissing me from my shift. I got the job at 16 because I was dating one of the other shift leads, already off to a terrible start I know. My boyfriend was one of those characters that people either loved or hated. mostly hated if you come from a loving home, because he was admittedly a terrible person. And Adriana especially hated him. I’m sure she had her reasons. One Saturday morning I showed up to work to find Adriana yammering about my bf calling out that day. He didn’t tell me he was calling out, and since Adriana was visibly upset already about his absence, I texted him to ask “what’s up? Why did you call out? Adriana is really mad about being short staffed on a Saturday and now she’s going to be yelling at me about it all shift. “ My boyfriend was a *real* shit stirrer and I was somehow incredibly fucking oblivious to this at the time. I texted him mostly to vent, but of course he used this as an excuse to start an argument with Adriana. He texts her something accusing her of “talking shit”, which for the record I DID NOT say she was doing, and I can hear from the kitchen she immediately started yelling into oblivion about how if I have something to say I should say it to her face. And how I’m a “stupid fucking dumb bitch” “literally so fucking stupid” “this bitch is the dumbest girl I’ve ever met why are you even with him” So valid queen, I was a little dense back then I guess Amidst her tirade about how stupid she thinks I am, she comes into the office, where I’m eating my pre-shift breakfast of boston market macaroni in total silence. This whole time I was just dissociating into my mac, because what the ever loving fuck else would I do? No only did I come from a home where yelling often lead to me dodging flying lamps and drawers, but I was genuinely scared she’d have her cousin jump me if I pissed her off, well before this even happened. So she’s standing there, I’m eating, kinda smiling out of discomfort, just watching her tear into me even more about my intelligence. Why? Because *my boyfriend called out of work*. It was honestly *so* bizarre, had escalated *so* quickly, and I was *so* dissociated, life kinda felt like it was moving in slow motion in that moment. She eventually says the magic line that snapped me out of my dissociation and freed me from my wage slave chains that lovely Saturday morning. “if you don’t want to be here then leave, because I don’t need you”. Now again. This is Saturday morning. At a Pizza Hut. That is already short staffed. I knew for a fact that she was bullshitting not needing me. But I also knew that she said it right in front of the office cameras. So I’m thinking, that sounded like approval to leave early didn’t it? Especially after being fucking berated for 15 minutes straight, AS SOON AS I WALKED IN THE DOOR, for something I DIDNT EVEN DO. She later tried to get me fired for walking out on my shift, and the first thing I did was tell the general manager to check the cameras. I should’ve just let them fire me honestly. Adriana, if you’re out there, I live every day thanking god that I didn’t have to experience a phase of life that included screaming at 16 year old girls first thing in the morning at my big fancy *Pizza Hut shift lead job*. I heard you also got fired for assaulting a customer. It’s okay, I understand that being a shift lead at Pizza Hut is a very high stakes environment to be working in. No really, you don’t look insane at all screaming your head off inside a fast food joint on a near daily basis. Completely sane and *very* intelligent behavior right there.

Had to break up with a French girl I was dating because she called my penis small. She said “boner petite”.

A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?” So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Masturbating into condoms... Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex. After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there. "What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly. "Well... I masturbated into them," he says. She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it. "Do you guys ever do that?" she asks. "Sure, all the time," her friend says. "Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds. "Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!"

I saw 2 men having match clothes i ask them if they were dating I got handcuffed

My parents are pretty traditional so I understood why they got so upset about me dating outside our faith but once I put my foot down they backed off. It's a shame I'm going to miss my college graduation but they just told me grandpa is sick and we all need to go back to the old country to say goodbye before it's too late.

"You can't do that work any more, because it's not your trained specialty..." When I was in the military, my military occupational specialty (MOS) was power generation equipment repair -- or generator mechanic for all the civilians. I was trained on the mostly 5kW and 10kW generators, but when I get to my permanent duty station, they only had a few scrawny 1.5kW and 3kW generators that we occasionally used in the field. Once our motorpool captain found out that I was computer savvy, he had me in the office doing reports and memos and other computer related work. After a while, they even sent me away with another sergeant for a week of training to manage a new application to track vehicle repair work in the motorpool. Things were good for a year or so, and then we had a change of leadership in the motorpool, including me losing my immediate boss (the sergeant who had trained with me). The Sergeant First Class (Big Sarge) was known for doing shady stuff, and they wanted me to be comfortable with a lot less accuracy on reporting through the computer system. I didn't feel like being setup to be the scapegoat for the nonsense I knew they were doing. Due to my lack of cooperation, Big Sarge took me away from that work, and put me back on generator duty, **"because that's your MOS."** Even when we had nothing going on with generators on a regular basis, that's all they had me working on each day. Well, things were fine with the computer stuff for almost two months, until it came time to do all the end of quarter reporting. And none of these dummies in the new clique had ever been trained on the system. So, they fumble around for two or three days, and then Big Sarge tells me right at the end of a motorpool formation that I need to go and help them run the reports -- while we are still in formation. Me: *"I don't know how to do that, Sergeant!"* Him: *"What do you mean? Of course you do!"* Me: *"It's not my MOS, Sergeant!"* Him: *"Drop!! Give me 50, soldier!"* He dismissed everyone else and left me out there until I did the pushups. He was heated, but didn't say anything else to me that day. The next day, he called me aside, privately, and asked if I could *please* help them out. "Sure," I said. He treated me a whole lot better at that point, and I did run the reports they needed. Totally unrelated to this incident, I was transferred to HQ company about 3 months later, and then all his guys had to report to me for these motorpool reports. That was a whole other barrel of laughs, and Sarge always swore I somehow orchestrated that, when I have absolutely zero power, clout or influence to make any such thing happen. But his boys were unable to get away with anything any more, once I was in charge of consolidating the motorpool reports for the whole battalion.

"There's nothing that says the marketing team doesn't work directly with clients." About 10 years ago I worked for a small web hosting company. Initially I was hired as entry level support, taking calls from customers that accidentally broke their websites or needed passwords reset. Then, I worked my way up to team lead where I was working with SSL certificates and cloud hosting accounts for high value customers. Finally, they moved me to the marketing team after they found out that I had an English writing degree. This was my first copywriting job, and a huge step in my career (as I am still a copywriter to this day). I remember being overjoyed when I accepted the position and thought "I'm never taking another angry phone call for the rest of my life." Cut to about a year later. I'm writing blogs, emails, video scripts, and most importantly, not taking phone calls. I'm at my desk in the marketing department, and in walks the team lead that took my position after I was promoted. We'll call her Ruth. Side note: I objected to Ruth being promoted into my old role because she's extraordinarily bullheaded and rude. She would repeatedly overstep her bounds as an entry level tech, telling other employees when they could and couldn't go to lunch and trying to manage the call queue when her only job was to take said calls. Ultimately my concerns went unheeded and she got the job. Ruth walks up to my desk and sets a bulleted list in front of me. It's a vague business strategy she's written up. Essentially, the cloud hosting division of the company is rapidly expanding, and the CSO tasked Ruth with figuring out how to field all of the additional high value customers. Ruth's solution? I resume some of my responsibilities as a tech team lead to take escalations from angry cloud customers. I said absolutely not. She completely ignored me and just kept going over her strategy. Like, literally I'm saying "No Ruth, I'm not doing this" and she's like "Uh huh, anyway as you can see here, when a tech needs to escalate a call it will come to you." I was fuming, but patiently explained that I was on the marketing team now, and my tech support days are over. She said "Well, I checked the Roles and Responsibilities section in the company handbook, and there's nothing that says the marketing team doesn't work directly with clients." She then gave me a shit-eating grin and says "We'll have to get a phone installed at your desk," and leaves. I was fucking livid. I'd be going from no phone calls to specifically only taking calls from the angriest customers we have. Then, as I was recounting this awful situation to one of the graphic designers, something dawned on me when I remembered what she said about the roles in the company handbook. As the only copywriter, I was the one in charge of managing and updating the handbook. The graphic designer saw this dawn of realization on my face and was like "Oh man, please do what I think you're gonna do." So I logged into Evernote (or whatever system we were using to manage and edit the handbook) and added a subsection to the marketing team's roles and responsibilities that specifically said we do not take phone calls, emails, or have any direct interactions with customers. This also safeguarded the graphic designers and videographers from any future bullshit from Ruth. I took the changes to the CSO who gave me a smirk and signed off on the edits. I then took the signed changes to Ruth and set them on her desk. "Yeah actually it DOES say in the company handbook that the marketing team can't take calls, as you can see here. I guess you'll have to figure something else out." She stared daggers at me but I just shrugged and left. That was the last of our interactions. She ended up poaching some top performers from the entry-level tech team to make a dedicated cloud team that never really functioned well, and she ultimately quit without a 2-week notice a few months later. So, I got some extra "I told you so" satisfaction about her not being qualified for the job as well. I still haven't taken a single customer phone call since I became a copywriter, and I intend to keep it that way.

My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again And I don't know if I should tell him.

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl... ...that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

It's midnight and a woman awakes to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15", he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears because her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?" "No Storm we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers ruby quartz glasses * *eye beam obliterates Storm *

Just found out I was dating a commie Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

He doesn’t care! He wants the report sent on Friday! End of discussion! I finally have one. I send two reports to our biggest client every week. One I send Tuesday and again on Friday. This is the open order report- every order we are currently fulfilling. The second I send on Monday. It’s the report for what orders we have shipped the previous week. This gives the customer a full image of open and closed orders. Mind you, I specifically requested that the tool to generate the second report be created. Sending the report AND the creation of the tool used to send it were both my idea. In my 1:1 on the 18th I explained to my manager that I need to send the second report on Monday because the information is not updated in our software in a timely manner on Friday, so sending it on the Monday of the following week ensures everything is current. The tool has an option to select which dates are reflected in the report. So today, Monday 6/30, I would select the dates for last week (6/23-6/27). My manager misunderstood and thought that if I send the report on Monday, it would include that Monday and four days of the previous week, Tuesday-Friday. He sent me an email on the 26th saying he did not like this solution and found it confusing. He said, effective immediately, we would need to adjust my hours to extend to when billing is complete, which is around 4:30pm (I work til 4). I absolutely don’t mind staying to do the job I’m paid for, but I knew that due to the delay in updating, the shipping report would not be current. I also knew it would reflect five days of the same week and not one day of the current week and four days of the previous week. I went to his office to clear this up, and I said two words before he interrupted me in a raised voice. “I don’t care! I want the report sent on Friday!” I immediately said “okay, (Manager)” and went to leave but he continued going off. I said something else and he shut me down again. “You need to send the report on Friday! End of discussion!” “Okay, (Manager).” Cue malicious compliance. The next day, I stay later, refreshing the report that I know is not going to update. I generate it and see that Friday’s shipments are missing. I send it as instructed and leave. Shortly after, he emails saying the report is not complete and I need to send one Monday morning. I don’t work on the weekend so I just saw it this morning. I tell him that I have one tool to get this done and there is a delay in the system and tell him this is why I suggested sending on Mondays. I ask him if there is another tool or method I am unaware of. I tell him the invoicing report and the shipping report don’t match. He says, “that’s the problem. You sent the report without looking at it.” I let him know I DID look at it; but I did what I was instructed to do. Now we look (even more) unorganized and inconsistent to our biggest customer. He says the information should be available on Fridays and he asked a higher up for details on when the report updates. That higher up said that the report DOESN’T UPDATE UNTIL 4:30pm-5:15pm. WHEN EVERYONE IS GONE. Most recent correspondence: “FYI. We can talk about when we want to send the report.” *Oh*.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie... Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

There's a boy named Bonnie... There's a boy named Bonnie. He's made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he's become very shy. But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out. She says yes, and he's so happy. After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him. She says yes, and he's so happy. When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be with her. The wife names the baby "Love". Love grows up and now she starts to be made fun of because of her weird name. She comes home from school one day screaming at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. He takes blame, wanting to protect his wife, and apologizes. Love says he ruined her life. She shoots him and runs away. Finally the wife comes home, sees Bonnie lying on the ground, screams and runs to him. "Bonnie! What happened?!" He becons her to come closer, and he whispers in her ear: *"Shot through the heart. And you're to blame. Darling you gave Love a bad name."*

I don't see why people are outraged when Donald Trump says if Ivanka wasn't his daughter, he'd be dating her. After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else… Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. ” She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.” So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She replied ''I've only just finished picking it up, the bastard used change''

I like dating black girls Because I don't have to meet their dads

You said to put your shit outside… You never said where. This happened about ten years ago, but it still makes me laugh every time I think about it. I was in my early twenties, dating this guy who was ridiculously controlling and full of himself. Classic narcissist. Everything revolved around him, and in his mind, he could do no wrong. You know the type. Anyway, after I caught him cheating, I finally hit my limit and told him I was done for good. The way I found out he was cheating was the best part. I’d had my suspicions for a while, so I went through his phone. Sure enough, there were months of messages between him and some girl he worked with. Flirty garbage, talking about how he couldn’t wait to leave me… all that nonsense. But one text in particular had me rolling my eyes. He had sent her this the day before: “She’s driving me crazy. She’s got me through the roof. I need you so bad, babe.” Got me through the roof? Pretty sure that’s not how the expression goes. Your blood pressure can be through the roof. Your anxiety, your rage… sure. But unless you’re Spider-Man or a haunted Victorian child, you are not through the damn roof. The next morning while he was at work, I texted him and said I was done. He kept pressing me to explain, but I never admitted I’d read his messages. I let him stew in his own arrogance until he finally realized I wasn’t bluffing. By that point, he had pretty much moved into my house. So naturally, he wanted all his stuff back. He texted me something like, “You better have all my shit outside when I get there. And I mean every fucking bit of it. I’m not making two trips.” Oh, don’t worry, sweetheart. I gathered every last thing he had at my place, which included at least a third of his wardrobe, a pile of overpriced hats, two pairs of pristine Jordans, and an iPad. I stuffed everything (minus the iPad) into a trash bag, tied it loosely, walked outside, and launched it straight onto the roof. Some of his clothes flew out mid-air and scattered across the yard. Most of it landed on the roof and just chilled up there like it paid rent. As for the iPad, I put it in a box and set it near the edge of the driveway. Not long after, a couple of teenagers walked by and peeked inside. I was sitting on the porch when one of them asked, “Is this yours?” “Nope.” “Can we have it?” “Sure. Why not.” He said to put his stuff outside. He never said I had to guard it. About two hours later, he pulled up, saw his clothes strewn across the lawn and a trash bag dangling off the roof, and lost it. He started pounding on the door, furious, yelling, “Why the fuck are my clothes on the roof?!” I swung the door open, looked him dead in the eye, and said, “Well, judging by the texts you sent your little girlfriend… apparently, I had you through the roof. I figured your clothes might as well join you. You told me to put your shit outside. You didn’t say where.” He stood there red-faced, fists clenched, seething. “And how the fuck am I supposed to get my shit off the roof?” I shrugged, smiled sweetly, and said, “Maybe your girlfriend can loan you a ladder,” then slammed the door in his face. The funniest part is that he ended up making two trips after all. Lol. He did come back later with a ladder. Whether or not she loaned it to him, I couldn’t say. I stayed inside with the door locked and haven’t heard much from him since. ETA: The one and only time I talk to him after the break up was the next day when he texted to ask if he could come get his iPad.😂 I told him the truth… That I sat it outside like he asked me to. If it’s not there, I guess someone stole it. Sorry. I don’t think he believed me because he threatened to GPS track it. I told him to go ahead. Don’t know if he was ever able to locate it or not because I blocked his number after that. Lol.

A man tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis. A man is dating a woman named Wendy, and as a "romantic" gesture, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, but when he's flaccid, only the first W and final Y are visible. One day, while he and his girlfriend are on holiday in Jamaica, he is standing at a urinal, when a black Jamaican man walks up next to him. The man glances down and sees a W and a Y tattooed on the black man's penis. So the man says to him, "Your girlfriend's name must be Wendy, too. I see we have the same tattoo." The response comes, "No, I'm a tour guide. Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'"

What's the best dating service in India? Connect the dots. (I'll see my self out.)

We never have time to do it correct, but we always have time to do it again. Long time listener, first time caller. I ran the mail department in a good-sized commercial printing company. Most of my day was filled with taking customer mailing lists and processing them so that they get discounts at the post office, but occasionally I produced consecutively numbered items (read raffle tickets). Now, raffle tickets are small. Maybe 1 by 4 inches, too small to run to the machine by themselves. We decided to run them four across and two high, so eight raffle tickets per sheet. I created a spreadsheet in Excel that had eight columns (one for each raffle ticket position). The raffle tickets in this particular case were printed on a special type of paper that has a holographic background. Very expensive. The process of setting up the inkjet machine to print the eight numbers in two spots on each raffle ticket is to find the appropriate XY position for the first ticket number to be placed on the customer portion, then copy that number to replaced on the part of the ticket that is ripped off and given to the administers of the raffle. Now I have coordinates that I can extrapolate to the remaining seven positions. Having copied and pasted the original two text boxes using extrapolated XY coordinates, they were all showing the exact same raffle number, the first row/column in my spreadsheet. While I was going through the process of changing position two to reflect the data in the second column, position three to reflect the data in the third column, etc. my always-in-a-hurry manager showed up and, right in front of my entire department, yelled "why is this machine not running yet?" I was currently halfway through updating the 5th out of 8 tickets. I told him that it wasn't set up yet, I still had some work to do to get it ready. He looked at the screen and could see that there was data for all eight tickets, all 16 positions had a text box associated. Never mind if the text box contained the correct data or not, they all had data associated. Happy to tell you, I pushed back hard. I didn't give him specifics, just that the setup was not complete and cannot be run as is. He asked, I shit you not, "what's it going to take to get this machine running right now?" Easy! I'll simply comply! I handed him the last piece that came out of the machine (mind you, positions 6, 7, and 8 all contained data for position one, and position 5 was only half right) and said, "if you want to put your signature on this piece, we can run it right now. But I'm not signing off on it until I verify the accuracy of all 16 positions." 😇 The next day was hell. More special paper had to be purchased delivered FedEx overnight first a.m. delivery, rush job to print and cut and deliver to my department, rush to imprint (correctly) positions five through eight, cut to final size, box and deliver to the customer. Job was late, we lost any profit we were looking forward to through overnight delivery, reprint, etc etc etc. I just smiled and did my job, never said a word, but the look on his face when he told me I had to redo half the job was priceless.

I think my entire family is racist. I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.

A Brit, American and South African Joke After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British” One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa , reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (azikolo, fokol (f*** all). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.

A man from West Virginia finds out his daughter is dating a man from Virginia. So the guy questions his daughter about the guy, finding out his name is Clarence. But he doesn’t like the sound of this guy. Well one day the daughter comes home crying and runs to her room, telling her dad that it’s because of Clarence. So the dad gets his oldest son, they get in the car and start driving towards Virginia. The son asks “What are we doing?” And the dad angrily replies “We’re gonna go have a ‘talk’ with this here Clarence.” They keep driving. Just as they reach the tunnel leading into Virginia, the dad slams on his brakes, and frantically turns the car around and starts headed back. The son asks “What’s going on? I thought we were going to go talk to Clarence?” The dad looks at his son and says “Didn’t you see the sign above the tunnel? Clarence is 13 ft tall!”

In the prison shower A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly "With or without spit?!" The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers "With spit" To which the giant shouts to another inmate. "Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!" *Have mercy on my joke, I am not a native English speaker and this joke might work better in German.*

My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

What's the best part about dating a black girl? You don't have to meet her father.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens... It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet...

A serial killer broke up with her necrophile boyfriend She was really dismayed to learn he was only dating her for her body.

What's a redneck's favorite dating website? Ancestry.com

Copper Wire After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French." A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f&*% all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

I've been dating a homeless woman recently and I think it's getting serious... She's asked me to move out with her...

20 years A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘either you marry my daughter, or will send you to jail for 20 years?’" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can just drop her off anywhere.

20 Long Years A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. “What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?” The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.” She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.” Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'” “I remember that too,” she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church..... They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.

What's the dating scene like at MIT? Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

Getting caught dating someone underage isn't a big problem. It's a minor problem.

My Favorite Wild West Joke A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said, "Listen up you mangey bastards" and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent. "Someone done took my horse. Now here's what's gunna happen. I'm gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I'm gunna do what I did in Texas... and believe me, I don't want to do what I did in Texas!" Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked, "Sir I don't mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas?" The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied, "I walked home".

So I was dating a girl who had a lazy eye It would have worked out, but it turns out she was seeing someone on the side

I recently came out as pansexual. But I'm only attracted to cast iron. I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks. I guess it's true what they say: "Once you go black, you never go back"

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner? Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

How does this man decides which one of three women to marry!! A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son started dating... Apparently jealous was not the right answer.

I was dating a girl with a lazy eye. Unfortunately I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else on the side.

Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

A man is on his deathbed... A man is on his deathbed. As he lies sick on the bed, he calls his wife over to him. "Sarah... Sarah. We have been married for 26 years... Isn't that right Sarah?" "Of course John. We have," Sarah replies. "When I was hit by the truck when we first started dating," John says, "You were there for me, were you not?" "I never left your side in the hospital, John." Sarah replied. "When our house burned down after we moved in together," John muttered, "We worked together to build a new one, did we not?" "We did. We didn't rest for days." Sarah comforted him. "And now, on my deathbed, you are with me yet again..." "I am, John." Sarah replied. "I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah."

What is Josh Duggar's second favorite dating website after Ashley-Madison? Ancestry.com

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

A woman starts dating a doctor... Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the Priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my Father ?" The Priest replies: "I am your mother. The Arch bishop is your Father ."😳😳

Since I started dating my girlfriend half a year ago I became a millionaire 6 months ago I was a billionaire.

A woman awakes at night... A  woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in  bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend? ..accommodating.

I've been dating a homeless girl So I've been dating this homeless girl. Things are getting pretty serious. She asked me to move out with her.

Did you know I'm dating a dental hygienist? She has the cleanest teeth I've ever come across.

Dave and Hannah have been dating for a long time One day, Hannah says: 'If you come to ours tomorrow evening for dinner, I'll give you my virginity.' Obviously, Dave is very happy about the idea and says yes. That very night, after walking Hannah home, he enters a pharmacy, buys condoms and asks all kinds of useful questions about sex and other stuff from the pharmacist who patiently explains everything he needs to know to Dave. The next evening when he arrives to Hannah's, the girl's parents are already sitting at the table. Once the young couple joins them, Dave looks around for a moment, then asks whether he could say grace. Dave prays for a very long time, bowing his head, with his eyes closed. After this goes on for 20 minutes and not a single word is uttered for that same time, Hannah whispers to Dave: 'I didn't know you were so religious.' To which Dave replies: 'Yeah well, I didn't know that your dad was the pharmacist...'

What's the best part about dating a black girl? Not having to wait for her downstairs with her father.

A young woman goes to see her doctor A young woman goes to see her doctor. "I hope you can help me out, I've been breaking out in hives lately" "We'll see what we can do, lets take a look" The woman pulls her top off and the doctor sees a big rash on her chest, in what looks like the shape of a big letter 'Y' Slightly embarrassed, the woman explains "I'm dating a guy who's going to Yale, and the whole college thing really turns me on, so I ask him to keep his varsity sweatshirt on when we have sex. I guess my skin is reacting to the printing on it" "I think I've got a topical cream that should do the trick", he writes her a prescription and sends her on her way. Two months later, the woman comes back to get a re-fill. "Lets take a look to be sure it isn't getting any worse" She takes off her top and this time there's the imprint of a big letter 'M' The doctor gives her a puzzled look and she smiles and explains: "I've started seeing a guy from MIT" The doctor nods and writes out another prescription. Two months later, she's back, and looking for another re-fill. She takes her shirt off and again the doctor sees the big letter 'M' "So, things are going well with that fella from MIT?" "Not really", she blushes, "I met a girl from Washington State"

A rich man and a poor man There once was a rich man and a poor man. Each longed for love and a life to share with another special person. One day they both found just that. Come to find out however, they were each dating the other's sister. So the rich man, being very protective of his little sister, organized a double date for the couples. While on the date, the rich man couldn't wait any longer and shouted to the poor man, "Anything you do to my sister, I do to your sister!" So the poor man thought for a minute. "Okay," he said and reached down in his pocket, pulled out a dollar and said, "Here sweetie, have my life savings."

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show. The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

[NSFW] I'm so sad, my favorite dating site is shutting down Disney has announced they are shutting down Club Penguin. =(

What's a rednecks favorite part of archaology? Relative dating

I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website... ... I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.

Miracle.... A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they could not decide what to do about it. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?". "You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

You know what the worst part is about dating a Japanese girl? If I ever decide to break up with her I will have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message

What is the most popular dating website in the south? Ancestry.com

I like dating black girls because...... ...I hate meeting dads

Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye... It would have worked out, but I discovered she was seeing someone on the side

Why don't witches use the most popular dating apps? Because they had a bad experience with matches on Tinder.

How do dating sites in Alabama save money? They link to Ancestry.com

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating. OMg

New dating app for German Catholic Priests Kinder

I got dumped by the personal trainer I was dating. When I asked why, she said we just weren't working out.

It's hard dating with OCD... ...every time my girlfriend gets turned on, I have to turn her off again.

I've developed an app for dating children nearby. It's called Kinder.

The moral of the story... A newlywed man arrives home one day. As he ascends the stairs and enters the bedroom he sees his wife's sister sprawled on the bed completely naked. "I've always had a thing for you since you started dating my sister", she says. "You can have me right now anyway you want me. I won't tell a soul." The man immediately does an about face and goes down the stairs and out the front door. Outside waiting is his wife. She immediately walks up to him and embraces him. "Honey I'm so proud of you!", the wife says. "You resisted temptation and now I know I can trust you the rest of my life." The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in your car.

There's a special running course around the White House. Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

I hope one day to be dating a moderator from /r/jokes... Everything is long from their point of view!!

I recently started dating a woman in a wheelchair, and I stood her up. Not surprisingly that's when she fell for me...and you know what, it became a bit of a drag...but now we're on a roll.

What would be a good dating site for rednecks ? MyHeritage.com

Mourning ! Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she`d go out, but didn`t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he`s not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She`s standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What`s with this..a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

What's the best part about dating a homeless chick ? You can drop her off anywhere

I was dating a midget but it didn't work out. My parents and friends looked down on her. Bonus: It was a short relationship.

Some people are into carbon dating. It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.

George Falls in Love One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot." "Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. "I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

They told me that if I wanted to meet someone new, I had to go where the women are, and they were right! The strip club is great. I'm getting lots of attention and spending way less money than when I was dating.

I've really got into dating black chicks recently. Not because they take my fancy but I'm really bad at meeting the dad.