50+ Criminal Jokes

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?” I said, “No. Is that still required?”

"You Don't Sound Sick to Me" **Edit**: I am not an American. I used to work as a researcher in an in-bound call center. I loved the work, and the company was FANTASTIC when I started. But after 4 years they got bought out by a big international corp (a pretty standard hack and slash corp = buy up a profitable company, strip it of all assets, cut costs, slash quality, make good money until our well-deserved fantastic reputation is destroyed, then sell off and move on). Within weeks the company went from being fantastic to work for to just yet another shitty, tense work environment where the bosses take advantage of the employees. One quick example of how badly they nerfed the bonus structure - one particular bonus went from being able to earn up to a thousand extra dollars in 3 days to a single $50 Boston Pizza gift card. Previously all employees got paid varying bonuses under this scheme, but in the new system, only one person gets the gift card. And they had the nerve to get mad at us when the new, slap-in-the-face "bonus" failed to motivate anyone. I was good at my job, and not to brag but I was the most productive employee on the floor. We were given 15 PTO (Paid Time Off) days to use every year, which according to our employment contracts and company handbook were to be used for sick days, mental health days, and other personal reasons. No explanation was ever asked for, use them as and when you will. I always made sure to use up all my PTO by the end of the year as it didn't bank, previous management encouraged us to do so, and also there was no bonus for not using it. I followed the company rules, always gave plenty of notice, and only once left the team dangling with no notice (as I got seriously ill that time). The new management takes over and right away they start trying to intimidate us into not taking PTO. I hear a lot of this from my fellow employees, how when they call in the supervisors have started grilling them, challenging them, saying they "don't sound sick", etc. A lot of intimidation and bullying. So by the time I need to use a PTO day, I'm ready. I call in one day and tell them I won't be in tomorrow. They want to know "Why?", so I tell them I'm not feeling well. Their voice grows immediately cold, and they get a rude tone. "You don't sound sick to me". Being a smart-ass, I said, "Not even doctors try to diagnose illnesses over the phone" but they kept trying to push me. "Can you come in in the afternoon? You don't sound sick. You've been using a lot of sick days, way more than other employees." I got tired of being treated like a criminal for obeying the rules, so I got a recording app for my phone. I live in a one-party consent area so it's perfectly legal to record phone calls. Next time I felt sick I called in to work. Now they always began every call with a disclaimer "Thank you for calling XXX, for your information this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". I say hello, give them my name, and say "BTW, just so you know on my end, this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". Because I am recording the call, and I think it's only fair to let them know. The supervisor gives a perfunctory laugh, then says"So why are you calling in sick? You don't sound sick to me. I'll put you down as sick for the morning but you'll be in for the afternoon." I inform them that no, I am calling in for at least 1 day and will update if I don't feel better. She says "No, I'll put you down for half a day, you can call in again if you don't feel better." Once again I say no, restate my position, and tell them that is that. She gets really pissy and and starts insinuating that this might cause me to lose my job. "Why do you take so much more PTO than the other employees?" I take what my employment contract says I am entitled to. No more, no less. "Well, you should have a better team spirit, we'll have to review this with HR." Threatening tone, classical bullying playbook. I'm off the next day, come in for my following shift. "Go see HR". I sit down at Art's desk in HR (he's very much a corporate HR lapdog). He starts going on about how they're going to have to review my employment contract and consider whether or not going forward I am a "good fit" at XXX corp. Now in case I seem too calm in this scenario, bear in mind that, while I do prefer to remain at XXX for the time being, I do not care if they want to fire me. I'm very good at my job, I have had several job offers from competing companies, so the threat of being fired does not faze me. While Art is berating me, I take out my phone, and start playing the recording I made when calling in sick. Art stops, starts to get annoyed, then realizing he's listening to a recording of an employee verbally berating and intimidating a worker for exercising their contractual, legal rights. He excuses himself, and is gone for about 10 minutes, before returning, visibly angry but restrained. He tried to dress

A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

Automoderator is now banned and the mods who fucked it up have been punished. #Sorry it took so long fam. I had no idea it was going on, Ive been inactive. Reddit, as a community, stands for free speech and I cant believe that some chucklefuck new mod really thought it would be acceptable to make the bot remove every fucking comment in a sub literally called "darkjokes". There needs to be a rule preventing children from becoming moderators. Mods should not be trying to limit speech. We’ve seen that around here a lot of lately from people on mod teams. That’s what progressives do, complete cuck sjw moves. We can tell the mods responsible for automoderator are not free speech warriors, that’s for sure. I believe in 100% liberty, freedom and the individual can do what you want. I know like maybe two guys who do this, and more power to them, nevertheless I’ll advise nobody to do this. The attack on masculinity, traditionalism and man is insane in our cultural marxist culture. This is some bullshit I would see in a Laci Green or Reily J Denis cringe You Tube video. Everybody is a victim these days and so offended by EVERYTHING. Get off the internet if you can’t handle a comment on a public platform on the internet. Welcome to the assault on free speech in 2017. #From now on, you can comment whatever you like. Ive done my best to take corrective action against the mods who did this, but this is just further evidence that the reddit moderator procurement system is like the political structure of a corrupt sub saharan African Banana republic. There's no system whatsoever to deal with a corrupt moderator, so therefore it's like trying to balance a pencil on its tip. The slightest bit of corruption that worms itself in will breed more corruption. Imagine how it feels if law enforcement was like this, they just bust into your house and smash up your stuff and vanish, and then you complain and try to escalate to police the police, everyone treats you like you're a criminal and you are ruthlessly silenced and excluded from speaking to anyone else about it. The question reddit has to ask itself is: "How do corrupt Banana republics reform their police forces to eliminate corruption?" If we're honest, the question is neither intuitive nor easy to implement. I don't envy the founders and employees of Reddit now, there is some difficult decisions and turbulant seas ahead, since now even the state and federal government is starting to create laws that restrict the rights of websites (because of sites like reddit) to police up the behavior of it's power users in accordance to state and federal laws, so that websites don't become breeding grounds for evil organizations like ISIS or foreign powers who stand in defiance of American sovereignty. #No new automod rules shall be enacted which could limit the 1st amendment rights of this beautiful community, mark my words.

What does a black person have that's big, and gets bigger every time he touches a woman? His criminal record

To protect our children, my administration will be implementing minimum life sentences, forced sterilization, hard labor, and torture for sex criminals. Tomorrow, my administration will define “sex criminal.”

“Grok, is this true?” I lazily asked the helpful AI chatbot. My job as a judge has become so much easier ever since the court authorised its use for criminal trials.

The CIA, GIGN and KGB...... are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

A young man dies and goes to Heaven ... ... where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year... " "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

In 2077, what makes someone a criminal? Commiting crimes.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals -Sent from your iPhone.

A man is going through customs entering Australia The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?" The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Have you heard about the Viagra shipment that was stolen? The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.

A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?" The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

So there's a plane that's half criminals and half master tradesmen... The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen. The pilot comes on over the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight." After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes back of the intercom and says "We've decided to bump all the master craftsmen from this flight to the next, please grab your carry-ons and head back to the gate." The pilot stands next to the door apologizing to the master craftsmen as they disembark. One craftsman says to the pilot "I have to ask, why did you decide to bump us? We didn't commit any crimes, they are the ones who should have to wait longer!" The pilot looks at the craftsman and says "We talked it over and found that the Pros outweighed the Cons."

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record... ...she called me a riceist

Tie Salesman A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun. He is close to desperation when suddenly sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties. 'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal. The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!" 'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!" Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting. "Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man. "They won't let me in without a tie..."

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?" "No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record... ...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

So I recently went to Australia... I want to Australia for holiday. I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?" I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending I'll see myself out

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

Two men just got away with the largest Viagra heist in history. Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Viagra shipment stolen... Hardened criminals on the loose.

What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman? Their criminal record.

Murphy Was A Very Religious Man.... ...... but he also had financial aspirations beyond his means & dreamed of owning a big house, holidays in the sun & owning the *ultimate* status symbol........ a top-of-the-range Ferrari convertible. Not being criminally minded, he decided to ask the lord to make his dreams come true by going to mass 7 days a week & praying hard for a lottery win. Day after day he would do this....."Lord, just one **major** lottery win is all I'm asking for here, please, *please* grant me this wish & I will never ask anything from you again". One cold winters day when the snow was piled high on the ground, Murphy went to mass & found himself alone in a deserted church. True to form, he knelt & began to once again ask the Lord for his lottery win. Just then, an apparition of a burning bush appeared in the middle of the church altar & a booming voice spoke from it..... "Murphy, you are indeed a **good** man, you work hard to support your wife & 2 children, you are not an abusive drunk, you don't steal from anybody or cheat on your wife so it would indeed be my pleasure to grant you this wish, but there's just one thing..............meet me half way here & buy a fucking **ticket**, will you??"

Why are crime rates down in the US? Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest. The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mouse wins. They get the contest starting and the Police goes first. They let the mouse go and with their informant network they arrive 3 hours later with the mouse. Then goes the Interpol. They let the mouse go and with their communication network and international contacts, they arrive 1 hour later with the mouse. Finally the CIA goes after the mouse. Their agent go running into the jungle, and 10 minutes later they arrive with a beaten up crocodile screaming “I’m the mouse! I’m the mouse!”

What do you call an snobbish criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

If life was like middle school Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you? Criminal: Nope Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison. Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*! Judge: I don't care who started it.

What do you call it when Al Capone goes camping? Criminal intent.

SHORT JOKES Pick your favorite! 1. What do you call sad coffee? Deppresso. 2. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well. 3. What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean jokes. 4. What did the duck say when she bought lip stick? Put it on my bill. 5. What never ask questions but receives a lot of answers? The telephone . 6. Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway. 7. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says chew chew chew. 8. Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for any loopholes. 9. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. 10. A cement mixer collided with a prison van, Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Hopefully there is one in here you have not heard.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

The CIA the FBI and the KGB hold a competition The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Campus bookstore robbed The Campus bookstore was just robbed of $25000. The criminal was seen taking a sweatshirt and 4 textbooks

Guy is riding a camel through the desert for several months and gets horny so he decides he'll try and have sex with his camel, so he gets off his camel and gets behind it. As he's pulling his pants down the camel turns around and looks at him. He thinks, "What am I doing? I can't do this with my camel looking at me!" So he pulls up his pants and continues his journey. Another month passes and again he feels horny, so he tries again. He climbs off the camel and gets behind it. Again, the camel looks at him. Again he says "I can't do it with the camel looking at me." So, he continues his journey. Then on his journey he sees two criminals trying to rape a woman in the desert, he takes out his sword and kills the criminals. The woman says, "thank you so much for saving me in return I will do anything you want." The man thinks and says, "Well, there is one thing, could you hold my camel's head?"

Larry at the police station Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

The police finally catch a notorious criminal, so the chief himself decides to interrogate him. Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?" Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con desending..

Honest Criminals A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window. "Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said. "Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied. "What!? As the victim or burglar?" the cop was quite shocked. "Burglar, sir. I have the loot in the back of the car." the man said calmly. "I am afraid you will have to come with me, sir," and the cop reached into the car to subdue the man. "Be careful, sir! I don't want you to find the gun in my glove compartment!" the man shouted, fearfully. By now, the cop was quite frustrated because of the fact that he had not been caught doing all of these actions, despite the man's obvious stupidity. The cop called for backup, and in the nick of time, sirens and helicopters flooded the scene. After the police force searched the man's car, another police officer approached the man. "Sir, the cop that approached you earlier informed us that you recently robbed a house, had the stolen loot in the back of your car and a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we couldn't find any of these things in your car." "What? That liar told you that!? I bet he told you I was speeding too," the man replied.

Gang of three hijack truckload of Viagra. Police are looking for three hardened criminals.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession. Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins. "Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised. "Yes, that's it. There are no more sins." "And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest. "Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony. "What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest. "Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony. The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat. "Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony. "You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.

Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals? Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they made no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A truck load of Viagra was stolen yesterday Police don't know who did it, but they're on the lookout for hardened criminals.

In Memory of Ronnie Corbett Here's some of his best jokes - A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals. - We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet. - A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?' - After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

Did you hear about the group of people who stole a dozen boxes of Viagra? Police are looking for hardened criminals.

What do black guys have that’s double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman? Their criminal record.

What do you call a smug criminal going down stairs? A Condescending Con Descending.

Shipment of Viagra was stolen from new York harbor The cops are on the lookout for hardened criminals

What do you call a rude criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

Why are the police so corrupt? Because criminals keep turning themselves into the police.

What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs? A condescending con descending

What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.

What do French people call German people who break the law? Criminals.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best.. The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

I've heard of a lot of dumb criminals... but bakery robbers take the cake

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes? Last I heard, he was still at large.

Did you hear about the Mexican Criminal trio? They got away from the scene without a tres.

A guy is looking for a lawyer... ...so he calls a law firm called Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. "Hello, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz, how can I help you?" "I'd like to speak to Mr. Schwartz, please." "Sorry, he's with a client." "Alright, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a criminal case, he'll be away for three weeks." "Okay, can I speak to Mr. Schwartz, then?" "He's not here, he retired last month." "Fine, then just let me speak to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking!"

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

Why are criminals so good at basketball? They shoot first and ask questions later.

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie? A: the defendant Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed) For the young and/or foreign: Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎ In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.

What do you call a trespassing camper? Criminal intent

Where do criminal spiders hang out? The deep web

Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals? They would run out of black ink

Hear about the guy who broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra? The police are looking for a hardened criminal.

What do you call a snarky criminal walking down stairs? A condescending con descending.

A pharmacy was broken into and the only thing stolen was a case of Viagra Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals

Two drug peddlers are arrested and produced in court.. Judge promises them reduced sentences if they can do some substantial community work in one week. After a week, they again appear before the judge. Judge: Tell me young men. what have u done in last one week for the society ? Criminal 1: I convinced 20 hardcore addicts to give up drugs forever. Judge: That's fantastic. How did u do that ? Criminal 1: I drew two circles side by side: o O..a small and a big one..then I told them that big circle is their brain when they are clean while small circle is their brain after using drugs for some time. Judge: Wonderful. How about u, the other fella ? Criminal 2: I convinced 200 addicts to give up drugs forever. Judge: Holy shit. How on earth did u do that ? Criminal 2: Like him, I also drew a small and a big circle..o O. Then I told them, pointing to the small one, this is your asshole before you go to prison....

Getting gilded is like losing your virginity I have yet to experience it... Edit: Thank you, abcriminal, for the gold. It was a worthy experience.

what's it called when a mafia boss named Ana Conda sends his snobbish criminal henchman to go on a mission that includes said henchman going down multiple flights of stairs? Conda sending condecending con decending

What do you call a haughty criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

What do you call a sarcastic criminal who's walking down stairs? A condescending con descending.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending

Criminal on the electric chair. The officer asks: Any last wishes? The criminal: Please hold my hand

A thief tripped and fell into wet cement... He became a hardened criminal.

What does a fashionable criminal always make sure they have a lot of? Accessories

What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals? A good Friday

How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead hooker? I use them both to get off.

News, just in: Truck Stolen! A lorry containing 150 pallets of Viagra was stolen last night. Police are searching the country for a gang of hardened criminals.

An original sci-fi joke, very dark One dystopian day (not too far off from today) Mary spent her lunch hour on "personal business." She found the right office at the courthouse easily. The form started off simple enough, and she filled in her identifying information, then paused at the date. It must be at least two months away. "August 29, 2023," she printed carefully. The rest of the forms documented details. These seemed trivial to Mary considering why she was here. She read through disclaimers and initialed to acknowledge that she would take full responsibility for any property damage and cleanup that resulted from her actions. She agreed to not hold anyone liable for acting in self-defense. She declined to list what weapons she would be using. She signed beneath a bold disclaimer that said, "You are only exempted from criminal and civil liability for human death on the date listed above. Any use of threats or force for any other purpose will incur full liability and prosecution, not limited to extortion, sexual assault, torture, kidnapping or theft." The bored clerk told her, "A notice will be published online and in the local papers on August 2, to give people the opportunity to relocate prior to the date of your killing spree." She paid her fee and went home. On August 3, Mary's boss stopped by her cubicle with an expression of concern, "Would you like to take a vacation day on the 29th?" Mary replied simply, "Oh, no, I'll be here."

What did the police officer want from the criminal store? Just ice.

What's the difference between raping and rapping? One's mostly done by criminals in shady neighborhoods, and the other is sex without consent.

Hi, I'm black and I can't stand the stereotype that we are all criminals. -Sent from your iPhone

An oldie but a goodie A towns prison was overflowing with inmates, and they were running out of room for new prisoners. The local police force decided to allow two criminals to be punished by the public for their crimes. One was a wife beater, and the other was a rapist. There was a queue in front of each criminal. People who queued for the rapist were allowed to give one swift kick to the rapists nuts, and people in the wife beaters queue were allowed to give one sucker punch to the wife beaters face. A guy sees the commotion, and decided to join in the queue to punish the wife beater. The guy gets to the wife beater and swiftly launches a solid punt to the guys nuts. A nearby police officer suddenly yells to the guy "Hey! You can't do that, this is the punch line!". Edit: a typo

Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police? Because he needed *arrest*!!!

Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair? he was a bad conductor.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending (duh dun dun chh)

What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

As a judge… …I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions. "Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?" "I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that—you were the one who sent me there." "That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then." "No, you weren't the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. "You were my lawyer."

Black joke Q. What do black guys have that’s double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman? A. Their criminal record

Textile Mill Heist Earlier today police apprehended a criminal who had loaded an industrial-sized loom and 10 cubic meters of wool onto a truck in an attempted robbery of a local textile factory. Police became suspicious of the truck when they noticed the driver weaving all over the road.

Cop: So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane. Criminal: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk!

Two tribal men drag two criminals into the Chief's hut... The Chief asked the first criminal, "You shall choose your punishment for your crimes! Choose!" "Death! Or Canyananga?" Criminal #1 thought: "Well, I don't want to die..." "Canyananga!" The Chief responded, "Very well. Bring in... Canyananga." An ugly, giant and beastly black man walked in, took Criminal #1 to the hut next to them and proceeded to horrendously rape him. The Chief turned to Criminal #2 and shouted, "Choose!" Criminal #2 quickly replied in horror, "Death! Please!" "Fine..." the Chief told him, "But first... Canyananga!"