100+ Cowboy Jokes

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

Blonde Joke An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar.... An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler "Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A cowboy appears before St. Peter. A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."

A cowboy rides in to town A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy. "**ONE**" No one moves a muscle. "**TWO**""" Everyone's extremely nervous at this point. "**READY OR NOT.... THR--**" All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."

A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

The secret to a long life A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Johnny was in class one day... and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman... He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No." he replies "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "It must be broken because I *am* wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

The world's toughest cowboy. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Tribal Wisdom So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

Since reddit has been all about native americans lately.. An Indian and a cowboy are walking through the prairie one day. The Indian stops and puts his ear to the ground and says "ah, buffalo come." In which the cowboy replies: "Dang, you can tell that from stickin yer ear to the ground?" Indian says: "No. Ear sticky."

Three cowboys (nsfw) Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are. The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear." The cowboy from New Mexico says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I picked it up, took it to the doc, and he got me fixed up right. Didn't shed a tear." The cowboy from Texas sat silently stirring the fire with his dick.

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

A cowboy... ... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn. This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?" The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though."

What did the black lesbian say to the racist cowboy? "Here's your coffee sir, have a great day!"

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman responds, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." She asks, "What"s it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher! Hahahahahahahahah you guys have no idea how alone I am.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are riding a plane... …when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math. The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane. The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death. The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.

The naked cowboy **Naked Cowboy** A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?' The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...... I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. ' 'And here I am.'

Went out with a bang... A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A cowboy and an Indian are riding horseback. The Indian stops his horse, jumps off and puts his ear to the ground. He looks up at the cowboy and says, "Buffalo come". The cowboy looks around and then back at the Indian. "How the hell do you know that?" The Indian replied, "Ear sticky".

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas. An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’ Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’ Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’ Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’ Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? ‘Nope’ she replies. ‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells. To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

An old cowboy told his grandson... An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows.... He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?" The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry." The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?" "Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks." The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?" "Rustling."

A blind old cowboy walks into a bar... An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....'

A cowboy from Texas A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

After the Texan wedding ... ... the newlywed cowboy rides home with his bride. It's a long way back to his ranch, and the horse has to carry both him and his bride, so it stumbles, nearly throwing off the two riders. The cowboy calmly straightens up the reins, waits for the horse to gather and says nothing, except, very calmly: "One." Further down the way, a small pile of dirt let the horse stumble again, and again without being fazed in any way, the cowboy lets the horse get up without a word, except a calm: "Two." As the sun goes down over the prairie, they are near the ranch. The horse, overlooking a root, stumbles a third time. Calmly, the cowboy says: "Three." He gets off the horse, helps off his bride, takes his gun and shoots the horse. His bride is shocked! "How could you, you monster! This poor beast carried us all the way and you shoot it in cold blood! Had I known this, I'd never have married you!" "One."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”, he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

A cowboy is captured by a Native American tribe. The chief approaches the cowboy and tells him, "Your people have encroached upon our lands and killed our brothers, We may kill you in retribution. But we are generous. We will offer you one request per day for the next three days. Choose wisely. What is your first request?" The cowboy thinks for a moment and asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy whispers something into its ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful blond on its back. She dismounts the horse and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love. On the second day, the chief approaches the cowboy and says, "White man. You have two requests remaining. Think not of carnal desires but of how you might redeem yourself. What is your second request? Again the cowboy asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy again whispers something into the horse's ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful red-head on its back. The red-head dismounts and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love. On the third day, The chief again approaches the cowboy and says, "White man, today is your final request. Choose wisely. You may yet redeem yourself." Without hesitation, the cowboy asks for his horse one more time. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy grabs it by both of its ears, looks it in its eyes and yells, "POSSE, GODDAMNIT. BRING THE POSSE!"

A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . . When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him. Woman: Are you a cowboy? Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am. Woman: Like a real deal cowboy? Cowboy: I don't know any other kind. Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before. Cowboy: Well now you have. Woman: Well? Cowboy: Well what? Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am? Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you? Woman: I'm a lesbian. Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is. Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them. Cowboy: . . . . The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him. Woman: Are you a cowboy? Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian. harharhar. Edit: Formatting

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.

Mexican Oysters A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, “Ah Seńor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!” The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. IIII If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.” The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.” The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Seńor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight... After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A cowboy with three beers A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

My Favorite Racist Joke The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

My Favorite Wild West Joke A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said, "Listen up you mangey bastards" and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent. "Someone done took my horse. Now here's what's gunna happen. I'm gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I'm gunna do what I did in Texas... and believe me, I don't want to do what I did in Texas!" Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked, "Sir I don't mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas?" The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied, "I walked home".

A homeless man enters a diner He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?” “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, same thing happened to me.”

What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? He turns off the PlayStation.

What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado? The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown

Sleeping with Bob The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

A Bacon Tree Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself. The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?" The Jew replied, and told the leader "Ven I came to this country they give me a job, sit under this tree and warn people, dont go over the hill! Over the hill is a bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me." The leader went back and tells his people that it's just some crazy Jew saying something about bacon. So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew. The near-dead man starts shouting. "You old fool! You sent us to our deaths, why didn't you warn us!! We went over the hill but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone." The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, I made a mistake, it vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

Cowboy and Indians. An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comesback with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

What's the difference between a cowboy hat and a tampon? Cowboy hats are for assholes

Texas Midget The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."

A cowboy opens a German car dealership His business card says "Audi Partner"

A real cowboy? An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?". He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am". She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women". The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?". He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog? So he could get a long little doggy

A cowboy walks into a bar... A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

Cowboy in a bar A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it..” The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?” The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?” Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!” The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

A rough and tough cowboy hitches his horse outside a saloon. Spurs ringing up the stairs, the door swings open and he sits down on a stool. "gimme a beer, bottle of whisky". After he drinks his fair share we walks back out to unhitch his horse. A second later, the swinging doors bust open and a bullet tears through the roof. "All right you sons of bitches! Who's the coward that stole my horse!" The bar fell silent, some ducked under tables. "No one!?" He shouted. "I'm gonna have another beer and a shot, and if my horse ain't back out there when I'm dun... I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Odessa, an I dun don't wanna do what I had to do back in Odessa...." He said coldly. Some of the locals shifted restlessly, and after the cowboy finished his drinks he walked back outside. Low and behold his horse was out there. He started saddling him up, hopped on and was getting ready to spur out of town when the bar keep spoke up. "H-h-hey m-m-mister?" He stuttered. "W-w-what did you have to do back in Odessa?" The cowboy flicked his cigar, "I had to walk home."

3 Tough Cowboys Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the plains. The first cowboy says, "I'm the toughest man in the west, I once took three arrows in my back and rode 2 days through Indian infested badlands to get help." The second cowboy says, "Bah, I'm the toughest man in the west. I was shot off my horse, scalped and left for dead. I crawled 60 miles through the desert on my belly to the nearest fort." The third cowboy said nothing as he stirred the coals of the fire with his dick.

A cowboy is walking naked down main street... and the sheriff came driving by and saw him. BWOOP BWOOP! He pulls over and talks to him. "Son, why are you naked in the middle of town?" The cowboy chuckles and says "Well, it's a long story." "There is a naked cowboy on main street in my town. I got time for a long story, let's hear it." "Alright, so I was throwin' hay in my barn when a pretty little blonde lady comes in and says 'It's mighty hot in here, why don't you take your shirt off?' I did and she did the same, and I didn't mind. Then she says 'why don't ya set down and take your boots off?' I do and she set down beside me. Then she says 'why don't ya take them pants off?' I do and she does the same. Then she looks at me and says 'now go to town.' So here I am!"

Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola? The Cowboys Stadium. Because they can't catch anything there.

The guys were all at the Camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom

Cowboy walks into a bar A young cowboy, new to town, walks into the saloon wanting to make an impression. There's a pianist with his back to the cowboy playing a tune. There are two candles on either end of the piano. The young gun draws quickly and shoots out the candle on the left hand side. The bar goes silent, but the pianist keeps on playing. So the cowboy draws again and shoots out the right hand candle. There are gasps from the bar, but the pianist keeps playing. So the cowboy draws and shoots the hat off the pianist ... but he just keeps on playing. Dejected, the cowboy sidles up to the bar and orders a drink. The barman looks him in the eye and says "Son, can I give you three pieces of advice" "sure" "Firstly, I notice you shoot from the hip. You should file down the sight on your gun, 'cause you don't need it and one day it will catch on your holster and get you in trouble" "Secondly, get rid of the trigger guard, cause if you're in a fight, you need to shoot as quickly as possible and one day that might just mean the difference between life and death" "Thirdly, you should cover your guns in vaseline" "Vaseline? Why?" "Cause when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano, he's gonna shove those things up your ass"

Tommy at the rodeo A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony. Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends, "how on earth did you manage that?" "Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's an epileptic."

VENTRILOQUIST COWBOY A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog: Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin alright" Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)" Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Rancher: "Horses don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?" Horse: "Cool." Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Rancher: (total look of amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?" Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk) ...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

A man goes to prison On his first night, he's pretty nervous. Somebody shouts out "34" and everybody else laughs. He thinks this is weird, but then 5 minutes later, somebody else shouts "23" and everybody else laughs. Then after another 10 minutes, a third prisoner shouts "16" and everybody laughs. His cellmate sees his confusion and tells him "Well, we've been in prison so long telling the same jokes over and over that we decided to just give them numbers. 34 is the one about the nun, the priest, and the antelope. 23 is the one about the Chinaman and the red pot, and 16 is the one about the old cowboy who couldn't piss." Satisfied, the prisoner goes to rest. 5 minutes later, he hears another prisoner shout "12." This time nobody laughs, so the prisoner looks to his cellmate, who just looks disgusted nd mutters "Bobby never could tell a joke..."

Hanging down Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb? They don't... they just talk about how good the old one was.

A cowboy walks into a saloon… and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, “Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.” The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, “Hey, them’s fightin’ words!”

A city slicker moves out to the country... After about 3 months of no human contact the city slicker sees a dust cloud off in the distance. After a few hours the dust cloud get's closer and it's a cowboy on horseback. Cowboy: Howdy! I'm your neighbor. I live on the next farm over, which is just a day's ride away. And I've come here to invite you to a welcoming party at my ranch. City: Well that's awfully nice of you, i'd really appreciate that. Cowboy: Now I must warn you that there's gonna be a little drinking, I hope that you're okay with that? City: Well that'll be just fine I haven't had a drink in months. Cowboy: Alright, but i must warn ya, they may also be a little dirty dancing too. City: Shoot, that sounds great! Cowboy: Well, you know how party's can get, there might also be a little fucking. City: Hey, that sound fantastic! I can't wait!! Cowboy: You sure? Because it's just gonna be the two of us.

Custer's Last Thought There was a man who was obsessed about the wild west. Cowboys and Indians, this guy loved it all. One day he was in his house looking at his already massive collection, and suddenly he gets an idea how to expand it furthermore. He calls up a painter and says "I want you to paint me a picture of Custer's last thought." The painter thinks for a moment, agrees, and tells the man to call back in a week. The next week the man gets a call from the painter, inviting him to come over to his gallery. The man quickly drives over to the painter's gallery, and looks at the painting. It was of a fish jumping out of a small pool of water, with a halo on it. And surrounding the pool, there were literally hundreds of native Americans engaged in sexual intercourse. The man admires it for a bit more, then asks the painter, "what does this have to do with Custer's last thought?" The painter says "It does look complex, but the concept is quite simple. Holy mackerel that's a lot of fucking Indians."

Rodeo sex 2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!" "I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy, "what is it?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"

Ever wonder why Dallas Cowboy fans are so rich? Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

The Baptist Cowboy A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Budweiser. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

Two cowboys... Two cowboys are riding along when they spot an indian lying on the ground in the distance. The first cowboy turns to the second and says "what the hell do you think he is doing?". The second cowboy turns to him and says "he is listening. You see these here indian fellers put an ear to the ground so they know what is going on for miles around". "No way, you are lying!" responds the first cowboy. So the two cowboys ride up and the second cowboy says "listen to what he says". The indian lifts his head, points north and says "Covered wagon, pulled with four horses, with a family of six inside and all of their belongings, 2 miles that way". "WHAT! That's amazing!" shouts the first cowboy "How did you do that?!?". The indian lifts his head and says "sons-of-bitches ran me over about 20 minutes ago!".

Three old cowboys... Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, "I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fishing for trout attacked me. I wrestled with that bear for three hours before I finally was able to draw my knife and kill it." "Aw, that's nuthin'" says Raph, "once when I was ridin' across the prairie, my horse stumbled in a gopher hole and I fell off into a draw plumb full of diamondback rattlesnakes. I started shootin' em in the head, fast as I could till I ran outta bullets. Then when they'd strike, I'd grab em and bite their heads off." Jed just stood there stokin' the fire with his penis.

The Paper Cowboy A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," answered the bartender.

What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl? Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.

What does the NFL and Broke Back Mountain have in common? Cowboys that suck.

A drunken cowboy... A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “all right buddy what’s your name?” “Fred,” the cowboy moaned. “Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger.. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, “the balcony…”

A cowboy is buying condoms. "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please" he says. "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier. "Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..."

A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert... next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says:"I'm so hot right now. I cant take it anymore". The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: "Wow!I didn't know dogs could talk". Then suddenly the horse says: "Neither did I!!"

I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me... I moved over and asked her why she was crying. "I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said. I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me." I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim." "Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein." ----- Steve Wright

Baptist Cowboy The Baptist cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Eli's Dirty Joke Cowboy Earl and Betty are senior citizens. Well Earl has always wanted and expensive pair of Alligator Boots Seeing them on Sale one day he buys a pair and wears them home "Hey Betty y'all notice anything different about me?" "What's different? Its' the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants" "whats different?" frustrated Earl goes into the bathroom undresses, and comes out completely naked wearing only his new boots "hey Betty y'all notice anything different now?" "whats different Earl? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow!" Angrily Earl yells "y'all know why it's hanging down? Cos its looking at my new rootin tootin boots!" Betty replies "Well then you should've bought a damn hat!"

A cowboy goes into a shop to buy condoms Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

The Rodeo... So two cowboys are talking about sex and the various positions when one of them mentions "the Rodeo." So the second cowboy says to him, "I didn't know the Rodeo was a sex position. How do you do that one?" The first cowboy explains. "So what you do is you penetrate your girl from behind. Then you reach around and grab her boobs, lean over, and whisper in her ear, 'These are almost as big as your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund To get a long little doggy

Brown Paper Pete A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," said the bartender.

A man moves out to the country.... City Joe moves out to the country to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. After purchasing some ranch land he surveys the area from his front porch. Up his driveway rumbles an old pick up truck. Out steps a middle aged man in a cowboy hat and wranglers. "howdy", he says, "ya see that speck on the horizon? That's my house. Wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood." "Gee, thanks" said the City Joe "Well, didn't want you to feel left out, so there's gonna be a party at my house tomorrow night if'n you're interested." "Sure, I love parties", said City Joe "I should warn ya though, at these parties.....there's usually some drinkin'" "Well I'm no stranger to that", said Joe "After we get to drinkin'.......there's bound to be some fightin'" City Joe was more nervous. "well, i'm not really a fighter, but I could handle myself. "And after the drinkin' and fightin', there's probably gonna be some fuckin" "Well that I can handle", said Joe, "What should I wear?" "Don't rightly matter", said the stranger, "Just gon' be the two of us"

A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands: "Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?" Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says: "Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. Why is that?" Little Suzy responds: "Because I'm a 49ers fan!" "A 49ers fan?," the teacher asks incredulously, "Why on Earth are you a 49ers fan?" "Because my Mommy is a 49ers fan, my Daddy is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan." The teacher doesn't like Suzy's answer: "Little Suzy, that's no kind of logic. What if your Daddy was a drug dealer and your Mommy was a prostitute?" Suzy doesn't blink an eye: "Well then I'd be a Raiders fan!"

A cowboy walks into a bar A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy? A jolly rancher.

What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common? Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"

Good old number 364 A cowboy and his horse walk into a bar at the edge of town, the kind of place where a jukebox leans in the corner like it has already heard this joke and is bracing for the impact. The cowboy orders two drinks, slides one toward the horse, and the bartender looks from the glass to the muzzle like he’s trying to remember if the health code covers this. The horse does not say anything yet, which is disappointing to everyone who came here specifically to see a talking horse, but not nearly as disappointing as how long the setup is clearly going to take. The bartender opens his mouth, clearly about to ask something about a long face, then stops because the horse’s expression is, if anything, fairly neutral given the circumstances. Financial Trick. The cowboy explains that the horse is feeling a little hoarse, and then both of them sit in the silence that follows as if waiting for the universe to decide whether that counted as a real joke. A small pony at the far end of the bar coughs once, discreetly, because his throat actually is sore and he does not want to be dragged into a wordplay situation he clearly did not consent to. On the television above the bar, a race replay is running, and the commentator’s voice mentions good old number 364 like everyone already knows what that means. Financial Trick The horse looks up, recognizes the number, and decides not to explain whether that was a glorious victory, a tragic loss, or just another day at work where all the oats tasted the same anyway. The cowboy briefly considers telling the story, but even in his head it sounds like a setup that might end with someone saying “and that’s why I never bet on horses again,” so he lets it die where it is, quietly, beside the peanut bowl. A flyer on the wall shows a horse with a guitar, a cow with a bass, and a chicken behind a drum kit, all mid-jam in a barn that probably violated at least three noise ordinances. The horse at the bar recognizes the band and remembers that there was a tour, a flight, and a story people keep insisting has a devastating twist if you stick with it long enough. Financial Trick The bartender asks how the band is doing now, and the horse says they are “complicated,” which is not actually an answer but sounds enough like one that no one risks asking a follow-up. Later, after the cowboy has stepped outside to make sure the horse has not been stolen and then come back in purely to avoid the whole “having to walk home” anecdote, the night slides onward. Financial Trick The horse eventually wanders down the street to a late-night tattoo parlor and stares at the designs: a tiny microphone, a barstool, the number 364, a little pony with a sore throat, a silhouette of a cow and a chicken with instruments. The horse sits there for a long time, trying to decide which one would make the best punchline, and then, right before choosing, remembers something important, though not quite what it was, and just says, “Maybe next time,” as if the joke, somewhere, has already finished without needing anyone to laugh.

3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire... ...and talking about how tough they are. The cowboy from Arkansas says, "I'm so tough I once russled a bear with my bare hands". They all look kind of impressed. Then the cowboy from New Mexico says, " T'aint nothin. I once stopped a stampede of cattle using a piece of straw, a pinecone and my bare hands." This is obviously impressing the group. The first 2 cowboys look over at the cowboy from Texas, waiting for his tall tale. The cowboy from Texas doesn't say a word. Just keep stirring the coals of the fire with the tip of his penis.

A cowboy is new in town and enters a saloon... he goes straight to the barkeeper, sits down and asks him to tell him the names of the other cowboys in town as they enter the saloon in order to get to know them. The doors opens, a cowboy enters with like carrying like 5 pistols. The barkeeper tells him: "That's Pistolbill!". Interested in getting to know other cowboys as well, he waits for another cowboy to enter the saloon. A few seconds later another cowboy arrives, this time carrying a lot of different knives. The barkeepers explains him that he's called Knivesobill. Finally, as he begins to understand the system of their nicknames, a third cowboy with 2 heads and 4 arms enters the room. Frightened by this cowboy, he asks the barkeeper: "What the fuck, and what's his name???" The barkeeper:"Well, that's Chernobyl"

What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership? Audi...

Cowboy & Indians A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. Onsundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E

New cowboy boots Fred bought himself a new pair of cowboy boots that he had always wanted. He left them on after trying them on at the store. Upon arriving home, he walked in and said to Bertha "notice anything different". "nope" Frustrated, Fred left the room and stripped down, leaving on nothing but his cowboy boots. He walked back to Bertha and said "NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT NOW" Bertha replied "Nope, it's hanging now, was hanging this morning, and will be hanging again tomorrow" Fred was about to lose it, he yelled out "YA KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, IT'S LOOKIN AT MY NEW BOOTS" Bertha looked him straight in the eye, without flinching and said "ya shoulda bought a hat"

What do you call a gay cowboy? A jolly rancher.

Abuse of police powers. A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing paper bag boots, paper bag pants, a paper bag shirt and a paper hat. The local sheriff pulls out his gun and says " I'm arresting you." And the cowboy says "What for?" The sheriff replies "RUSTLING!"

Something's Not Kosher Here Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin wud I lie?" The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Rabbi, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone." The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

Cowboy and a Drugstore Clerk Cowboy: Give me three packs of condoms please. Clerk: You need a bag with that? Cowboy: Nah... She's purty good lookin...

Jimbo and Jon, two cowboys see a wanted poster for Indian scalps... The poster says there will be a fifty dollar reward for each scalp brought back. So Jimbo and Jon decide to try and make some money. They get supplies together and head straight into Apache territory hoping to find a couple unsuspecting Indians. The first day they manage to sneak up on one and get his scalp, but they figure that fifty dollars isn't a good enough payout and so they set up camp in a valley for the night with the hopes of getting more the next day. The next morning Jimbo wakes up early and starts cooking some breakfast on the campfire when suddenly all around the whole ridge around their valley campsite hundreds of angry Apache Indians appear holding their spears and bows staring at the Jimbo like death. Jimbo's eyes go wide and he darts into the tent "Jon! Jon! Wake up!" He yells, shaking Jon awake. "We're gonna be RICH!"

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because he wanted to get a long little doggy :)