100+ Cop Jokes

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine... He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s apoliceman. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer. “I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.” “Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that lighton her face.”

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.” Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one

Hey girl, are you a cop? ... because you’ve taken my breath away.

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.... A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike. The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?" “Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly. With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket. Before the cop rides off she says "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Playing along the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did.” “Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. (Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English) A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house. When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!" The thief responds with, "No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration" The man yet again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!" The burglar once again explains his reasoning, "I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims, "I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife. "Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately" "No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"

Boss accused me of bullying so I requested punishment Years ago I worked in a semi-public sector job as part of a successful team helping make life easy for local businesses. Our team boss took a good job in the private sector and a new boss was recruited from a decent organisation similar to ours in a different part of the country. She worked compressed hours Monday-Thursday and was off on Fridays. A month or two in, and although the new boss was quite particular about things being done her way and had upset a couple of my colleagues by criticising their work, I'd had no problems with her. We had a team meeting where the boss said that our performance wasn't good enough (we were arguably the best in the country) and that she wanted to be more involved in what and how we did everything to ensure better quality and so we should copy her to every client email so she could comment as needed before we sent another reply. Although this seemed inefficient, nobody argued and I just asked her if I should wait until Monday for her to comment on any client emails received on a Friday. I can't remember exactly what she said, but at the end of the meeting she asked me to stay behind and then told me in a heated tone that my question was "bullying behaviour", that it was "unprofessional" to ask the question in front of the team, and said that my actions were the sort of thing that HR would see as grounds for dismissal and that I should be "very careful" in future. I told her I understood and we returned to our desks where I wrote up every single detail of the entire meeting and interaction and sent it to the Head of HR with the explanation that as bullying was very serious and may not be reported by the victim, I felt duty-bound to report myself. I also laid it on pretty thick about being appalled by my unprofessional behaviour and the fact that my career was likely at risk and I clearly had a desperate need for training and discipline to fix my dangerous ways. I also copied in my union rep. Within a day me, my union rep, and my boss were with the Head of HR who, being a 'by-the-book' professional, could find no indication of bullying or justification for my fears of being an unprofessional bully in need of re-education. I was asked to leave the meeting. My union rep stayed in and I don't know what was said but within 6 weeks my boss was gone and that same week my (weak and ineffective but likeable) big boss called me in to thank me as he had wanted to get rid of her but hadn't known how.

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight? A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed. The cop was dumbfounded. 'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman. 'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.' __________________________________ Edit: Those who think he can still get arrested.. I know it guys. Don't take it literally. Its a JOKE. Sometimes it might actually happen, right? Just enjoy possibility. :)

What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

Sad News: The founder of /r/dadjokes has passed away RIP Larry Tessler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy, and Paste, died age 74

“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?” Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

“You’re Not Paid to Think”—Okay, So I Didn’t. A few years ago, I worked as a copywriter at a small PR agency run by a tyrant of a boss—let’s call her Marcy. She was all about control. One day during a strategy meeting, I pointed out a huge flaw in a campaign that could have cost our client major money. Her response? “You’re not paid to think, you’re paid to write what I tell you.” Cool. Got it. From that point on, I followed her instructions exactly. No suggestions, no edits, no heads-up when things were obviously going sideways. Just pure, flawless compliance. Within two months, two major clients left over tone-deaf campaigns—ones I had tried to fix but was explicitly told not to. Guess who got blamed? Me. Guess who kept receipts? Also me. I forwarded my “just doing what you told me” email chain to HR. Turns out, this wasn’t the first complaint. She was “restructured” out of the company three weeks later. Edit: Sorry for using a "-". Apparently that's a no no.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

Customer: Do you have any copies of that book for men with small penises? Book Store Employee: I don’t know if it’s in yet. Customer: Yes! That’s the one!

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait. I can explain everything!

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop. "Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says : "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

I told the cop, “You can’t write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.” The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”

“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?” Cop: It’s a...moving violation.

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Blow a minor incident out of proportions? Dont mind if i do! I work as an engineer for a company that assigns me to various client projects. For one such assignment, I was added to a project that wouldn’t start for a few weeks, so in the meantime I stayed focused on other ongoing work. A few days before the project was due to begin, the external project lead sent me a ZIP file containing technical documentation: diagrams, requirements, and other materials relevant to the upcoming project. I skimmed through it briefly, then moved on with my day. Nothing unusual. A couple of days later, I got an email from the external company’s scheduling manager saying that “a document” had been sent to me which apparently contained some confidential company information, and asking me to delete the email. That’s it. No file name, no explanation, just a vague “please delete it.” I shrugged, deleted the ZIP file, and replied asking if they could resend it without the problematic part. Then I forgot all about it. That is, until I got a call from the most condescending, passive-aggressive person I’ve ever dealt witt, the scheduling manager from the client’s side. She went on a 30-minute tirade about how the previous project lead never should’ve sent me that document, how serious the situation was, and, most memorably, how she couldn’t trust that I had actually deleted it. I quote: “I can’t just take your word for it. I’m not just going to trust you because you say so.” Right. So at that point, I figured: Im done with you, If you’re going to act like I’ve just been handed nuclear launch codes, then I’ll treat it like I’ve just been handed nuclear launch codes. I said, “You’re absolutely right. I’ll contact our Security Operations team and report a formal security incident. They can coordinate with your SecOps team, and together we can do a full scrub of all relevant mail servers to ensure the document is completely gone. It’s really the only way to be certain.” Suddenly, her entire tone changed. “Oh no no no, that won’t be necessary. It’s fine, I believe you!” She practically stumbled over herself trying to shut it down. Because escalating this to both companies’ SecOps teams would’ve turned it into a bureaucratic nightmare: incident reports, compliance reviews, and probably someone getting thrown under the bus. I politely reiterated that I really didn’t mind escalating it if it would give her peace of mind. She very quickly decided she had enough peace already. We ended the call, and life moved on. if you act like I’ve compromised national security, don’t be shocked when I offer to treat it like a national security incident.

Was told to work my contract hours. Damage ensued. Teacher here in inner city . Found myself coming in at 7::12-7:15 for a week or two, supposed to be there for 7:10. My Daughter’s daycare is getting construction done so had to park across street and drop her off. Got reprimanded and a mark on my file for not working during contractual hours; “you’re paid for working 7:10 to 2:22.” Fine. Once school is out at 2:02 I usually open up the weightroom and let athletes workout, give some advice (I was a college athlete and lifted a lot), and I watch them until about 3:15 when their coaches get there. Kids love it, I love it, coaches love it, never asked for pay. But my contracts done at 2:22. One day. Only one day. I posted on our webpage that I wasn’t going to be there. What happened? That same day numerous phones stolen from locker room so cops came, weightroom door broke open, kids running through halls and ran into a teacher sending her to Urgent Care. Admin calls me in asking why I wasn’t watching them. “I was told to work my contractual hours, I’m only paid until 2:22. I did this for fun, and it was unofficial.” Next day whole district gets an email for a job posting “Afterschool Weightroom Coach.” Admin asked me to apply. Now it’s costing them money. Edit: since some of you seem to be butthurt that this isn’t real and “how could they post a position so quickly” here’s my response to a comment below; It’s a long story, we actually used to have a dedicated strength and conditioning coach. He quit last year because, you might guess, was sick of dealing with my admin. They posted the position but no one wanted it and I wasn’t qualified (needed a CSCS). So I unofficially took over because kids wanted to work out which I applaud them for. The new position posted was a revised posting with lowered qualifications so I could take it

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.

If Larry Likes You, You're Good! Years ago, I worked for a large newspaper when they acquired a lot of the assets of another large paper that went out of business. I was a temp in the HR office. It was sad to see so many people come in from the dead newspaper to try and work for the other paper. My job was to gather the resumes, give them a handout of job resources, and to direct them where they could apply for all the benefits that they may be eligible for. When my boss, Larry saw me waiting outside the building in the morning, they asked why I was there so early. I explained that I took the bus, so I could either take the bus that got me there early, or the one that would get me to work 90 minutes late. I opted to be early. Larry agreed, and they changed my hours to allow me to arrive earlier and leave earlier. It worked well, because I could get a lot done for the office before people arrived. When I left in the afternoon, a second temp was there for all the processing needs from the day. It was seamless. Larry called my agency and extended my contract from 6 weeks to 6 months. They wanted to make me permanent, but there was a process to be followed. Larry sent a memo to everyone concerning my schedule, explaining my schedule needs. A manager above Larry, a man named Jack told him that he couldn't show favoritism to me, and I needed to comply with the assigned schedule, or be replaced. Jack then told Larry that there were no allowances for scheduling special needs of employees.The next day, my boss, Larry told me all this and asked if I could get a ride in the morning so that I could be in 'on time' versus early. I tried my best. I was unable to do so. He told me to just keep coming in early, but don't clock in until time. As for the afternoon, he asked if I could stay until normal time and clock out. I agreed, even though it would make me now having to wait a long time in the evening for the bus. My first day on the new schedule, the very boss that refused my schedule modifications, Jack, walked up to my desk. "I need these photocopies in triplicate." Before I could answer, Larry did. "She's not on the clock for another 20 minutes. She can do it after she clocks in between her regular duties." Jack said "She's on the clock. She can work." Larry replied ever so sweetly. "No. She's not. You said no schedule modifications. She would have been on the clock, but she's not, now." Jack asked to see Larry in the office. Larry agreed and I could hear raised voices. I kept reading my book, quietly, but watching the time. Just before I was to sign in, Larry called me in. "Effective today, you're to go back to your schedule that was modified." I nodded, clocked in, and made the copies before people began arriving. Larry would eventually climb the ladder there, taking over the position Jack held. I wish more bosses were as awesome as Larry! ❤️

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

Two priests are out driving one day.. when they get pulled over by a police officer. The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters" The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says; "Alright officer, we'll do it"

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I'm just taking some time to line up my shot to ensure I don't miss."

You want to review every client interaction? Perfect, your Inbox is about to blow up I've been working at this small marketing agency for just over a year now. It's my first "real" job after college, and I've been thrilled to have actual clients and responsibilities. Well, I was thrilled until we got a new account manager, Debbie (not her real name, obviously). Debbie came from one of those corporate mega-agencies where apparently they micromanage the living daylights out of everyone. From day one, she had "concerns" about my communication style with clients. Mind you, I'd been praised by these same clients for being responsive and helpful. Last month, after I sent what I thought was a perfectly normal email to our biggest client about a small scheduling change, Debbie called an emergency meeting. "From now on, I need to approve ALL client communications before they go out," she announced with that fake smile managers use when they're being unreasonable but pretending they're helping you. "Everything. Emails, phone call notes, text messages, meeting agendas. Send them to me first for review." When I pointed out that this would slow down our response times, she just waved her hand dismissively. "It's about quality control. Better to be right than fast." Fine. You want ALL communications? You got it. I started that very afternoon. Every. Single. Thing. If a client asked what time a call was scheduled, I drafted an email response and sent it to Debbie. "Awaiting your approval on this time confirmation." If a client texted asking for a quick file, I'd screenshot it and email Debbie. "Please approve my response to this text message." I even created a special folder in my drafts called "Awaiting Debbie's Approval" and set up an automated counter. By the end of day one, I had sent her 17 approval requests. By the end of week one, it was over 100. The best part? I stopped answering my phone when clients called. Instead, I'd let it go to voicemail, then email Debbie: "Client X called about Y. My proposed response is attached. Please approve." After about two weeks, Debbie was drowning. She'd fallen behind on approving my communications, which meant clients weren't getting responses. They started escalating to her directly, which doubled her workload. The breaking point came when our biggest client emailed both of us complaining about delays. I responded to the client with: "I've forwarded your concerns to Debbie for approval of my response. Once approved, I'll get back to you promptly." The next morning, Debbie stopped by my desk looking exhausted. "I think we need to adjust our approval process," she said, trying to maintain her corporate dignity. "Moving forward, just use your judgment for routine communications. Only send me things that involve project scope, timeline changes, or budget discussions." "Are you sure?" I asked innocently. "I have about 30 draft responses waiting for your review right now." She visibly cringed. "That won't be necessary anymore." I've been happily sending emails without approval for two weeks now. Debbie barely makes eye contact in the hallway, and honestly, that's fine by me. The best part? My quarterly review is coming up, and all those approval emails are documented proof that I've been trying my absolute best to follow company protocol. Sometimes malicious compliance is the best teacher.

Damn girl, are you a cop? ... because you took my breath away.

Look for other jobs and see how much they offer? Sure thing boss I spent a few years at this company. The pay there is not as competitive and we all got measly 2–3% raises each year, nothing close to inflation levels. I had been in a starter position and still studying on the side, so I agreed with my boss already a couple years ago that I'd get a promotion once I graduated. Well, last September I graduated, and asked for my promotion. I had looked over the worker union's salary statistics and the median would be around a 18% bump for me. I didn't expect to get that much because, besides them being a cheap AF, the economy was bad and they had just downsized like 15% of the staff in July. Luckily I had gotten myself into a strong position of being one of the only ones left with some unique skills, so I survived the downsizing. Anyhow, I show my boss a copy of the statistics and ask for the median. Boss scoffs and proceeds to fight as hard as he can to justify lowballing me. He says several things baffling to me, not limited to: * *“damn, you’re rich bro”* about my salary (no dude, I'm really struggling in this economy) * *“If I give you more, you’ll just spend more”* (not your concern what I do with my well-deserved money). * *“no one at that level makes that much here”* and that the statistics must be wrong. (I later went around the office to find colleagues in that level. First co-worker I ask? **Earns exactly what I asked for**.) * Brought up some concerns about my 'communication', petty things like me not replying to a colleague's email for like 3 days (3 days during which I was off-site to give a course somewhere). But my favourite thing he said was: *“You can go look for other jobs to see how much others are offering, you’ll see it's not going to be any better”*. He lingered on my salary adjustment until December, *"negotiating with HR"*, and then finally offers me 11%, which is around what I actually expected. But, there's a catch… next year I would not get the usual 2-3% salary adjustment like everybody else. WTF. I told him: *"deal"*. You see, I had taken his advice (or rather called his bluff) and was already getting quite far in interviews. Come January, I land an offer from the top company in our field (think Google, Apple) offering me what would have been a 35% bump. I hit my boss with the news, he promptly panics. Says they want me to stay, they need me, my performance and development have been great, etc... but they can’t match that offer because *“not even top management makes that much”*. I obviously didn't believe him, but I said *"I understand it's not fair that I earn more than everyone else, just do your best"*. He runs to the top boss' office and somehow, within 30 mins, they magically found budget for a 30% raise. Perfect, now I had leverage to negotiate an even better offer from my future boss. After all, I had already made up my mind to leave long ago.

I invented a new word. Plagiarism. --- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.

I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied. He said, "There is no traffic." And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!' EDIT1: I made it to the front page and my Karma has been destroyed :) EDIT2: You guys can click on my post history and downvote all of my comments for a more efficient way to get back at me, I wanna see if I can get my Karma to 0. Thanks in advance

Jokes about school shootings aren't funny. Seriously, my brother died in one. I even remember his last words. "Damn it, the cops are here. I guess I'll have the last round for myself."

Cops are a real pain in the neck.

Whats the difference between a cop and a bullet? When a bullet kills somebody you know its been fired

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!" "I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me." The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down. "Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?" "What drugs?"

"What's your name, boy?" Cop asked the young man. "P-p-p-pet-pet-Peter, Sir" He replied. "Do you have a stutter?" Asked the Cop kindly. He answered "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out my Birth Certificate was an asshole."

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore... Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids Anymore

The Lawyer's Car A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

The doc told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act The man decided, 'What the hell, I'll try it.'He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?' He heard, 'This is the police. What's going on down there?' The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.''Well,' the cop answered, 'you might as well check your brakes, too, while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.'"

Co-worker creates fake document to prove rule is stupid Back in the mid-1980s, I worked for a company that made manufacturing equipment that ran on an internal network. I had to learn it to support it. They had recently re-written the interface from the ground up, but the documentation was the earlier version, so I was kinda lost. I turned out to be proficient at writing documentation so I volunteered to rewrite the doc as I was learning the system. In doing so I discovered a strange appendix to the doc that got me incredulous, and then got me cracking up. But first, a bit of background... There was a rule that had been handed down a couple of years before, that any document that a customer might ever see, even a highly technical document, had to be read and approved by the Marketing department. A co-worker wanted to test this, so they wrote this appendix, that was purporting to describe the networking protocol involved in the system. It was approved with no changes by Marketing. What did it describe? A protocol called the "TP Protocol." Rather than being a 7-layer network, it could be implemented as a 2- or 3-layer network, each layer called a "ply." So 2-ply or 3-ply. The messages were identical sized, and the end-of-message was called a perf. There was a potential issue to be fixed later, that a CANcel character could cause it to pause until manually cleared, this was called "sitting on the CAN." It went on from there similarly for several pages. I wish I could remember more (I saved a copy but I can't find it. \*sigh\*). I left the appendix in with my version-2 manual after checking with my manager and him forwarding my doc to Marketing.

Playing as Kobe on NBA 2K20 today. Tried the helicopter dunk but the game crashed...

Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW) A man walks into a gun shop. "I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle" "sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house" The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?" "cheating, bitch!" the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said "Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches' head off and I'll give you free bullets for the rest of your life" The guy looks through the scope again and says "what do I get if I only use one shot?"

What did the helicopter say to the mountain? Kobe.

Newfie Hooker A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows. "Twenty dollars" she whispers. Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I's makin' love to me wife!", the Newfoundlander answers, annoyed. "Oh! I'm sorry", says the cop. "I didn't know." "Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in 'er face!"

Florida HOA nightmare. oh certified mail for all communication? you got it Posting this now because i no longer live in the house or neighborhood, but at the time i lived in a "lovely" cookie cutter neighborhood with an HOA. this was one of those neighborhoods where they finished like a 100 homes in the span of a few weeks and it was common to see 8 or 10 moving trucks on any given weekend. the neighborhood when from ghost town to filled in literally a month. In Florida, most HOAs are required to use certified mail when notifying home owners of violations. My HOA took this a step further that all notifications to the board would be through certified mail; received a violation? response in certified mail. requesting a hearing? certified mail. want the bylaws? certified mail. now this last one might strike you as odd, because how would you know to request the bylaws by certified mail, if you didn't have the bylaws already you might ask. let's put a pin in that one for now because upon moving in they were kind enough to provide the CC&Rs outlining what we could and could not do, but not the bylaws that told us how to handle violations and complaints. so i move in and everything is great...at first. that is until about the third month when there's a big packet taped to my door: a notice of intent to lien. the packet explains that i was delinquent on a number of violations, many of them repetitive. on the list are things like: -not keeping the garbage cans out of sight (we kept them on the side of the house like most neighbors) - standing water in between the sides of the homes (grading issue i was fighting with the developer over) - parking one of the vehicles in the driveway but over the sidewalk line - bushes not trimmed appropriately - unapproved modifications to the doorway (installing a Ring Doorbell camera) the list went on, but totaled $4,032.12 for violations, late fees, and legal fees. i immediately email requesting more information, and don't get a response. i do this for a few days before threatening legal action in a admittedly hostile emails; to which i finally get a response indicating that "all communications regarding violations will only be addressed via communication methods approved in the bylaws." i request a copy of the bylaws. "all requests for the bylaws must be submitted via approved communications methods, as per the bylaws." at this point im about to go postal, but if Edmond Dantes could wait 14 years for revenge, i could take a breath and figure this out. the notice gave me 45 days and it had only been a couple days - i had time to figure this out. little known fact about developers and HOAs in Florida: the developer is the one that drafts the initial CC&R, bylaws, and legal documents then hands it off to the board. my developer, who's name starts with "D" and ends with a word that sounds like shmorton was already on my shit list for a number of issues, including the improper grading. when i emailed my contacts requesting a copy of the bylaws, i don't think they wanted to add to the growing list of shit i was vehemently emailing them about already and i had a copy within minutes. that's when i found the certified mail language. now the wheels were turning, because it stated ALL communication was to be by certified mail. each violation was to be filed separately, and delivered by certified mail, each notice of failure to cure and the late fee...certified mail. EVERYTHING. i had 8 unique violations, plus repeat violations over a period of 9 weeks. at a minimum, i should have received like 22 notices via certified mail...at around $7 a pop. cue malicious compliance. my revenge...i mean malicious compliance was two pronged. my morality has developed to a fashion that if you want to wrongfully take from me, i am willing to spend just as much as you want, to fight you. they wanted $4k from me...i was willing to spend a good amount of that just to fuck with them. i took off two days from work and prepared a little game of FAFO. so step 1 was to draft a single page, no personal details, but explaining my situation and warning any neighbors going through something similar what the bylaws indicated and that all homeowners should immediately request a copy of the bylaws via certified mail. i provided the board address, the language to include (which stipulated that the response from the board, even if it was a copy of the bylaws) was to be by certified mail. meaning a printed copy of the bylaws, which was 29 pages. i also encouraged anyone fighting infractions or having received a notice of intent to lien what to do. i printed about 150 copies because that's how many houses were in the neighborhood. roped in a few close neighbors and we stuck a notice on about every door. step 2 was to fight each violation...individually. i drafted a template language indicating that i was refuting each violation. some more boiler plate language on why is was refuting it, and the coup

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He fell.

are you sure I'm drunk? A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

Cops really do have a tough job... It's getting harder and harder for them to commit crimes because everyone has a camera.

A White guy, and Black guy, and an Asian are driving down the freeway together... Suddenly a gay cop flashes his lights and pulls the men over. He walks over to the window, looks at the boys with a sensual look, and says, “Well boys, I was gonna give you a ticket, but I’ll let you go if your cock sizes add up to 15 inches.” The guys looked at each other, decided to go for it, and dropped their pants. The white guy’s dick was 6 inches, the Black guy’s 8 inches, and the Asian’s was 1 inch. The cop smirks and let’s the guy’s go on their way. Later down the road, the black guy says, “man, you boys are lucky I gotta big dick.” The white guy responds, “whatever dude, you’re lucky I have an average size dick.” The Asian responds, “you guys are lucky I had a boner!”

Parking Tickets So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

My friend and I started a business where we weigh microscopic objects. It’s a small scale operation.

I've been in 15 school shootings and i was lucky not to die! Just be nice with the cops and don't resist

The new father A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink. "Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something." "Dad you dont mea-" "Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son. "Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored." "Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king. edit: OK, so, apparently this joke was made 10 months ago by some other person. I never knew about that, I thought this was an original joke, so all you people busting a nut because you think I copied someone, go complain elsewhere. I had no idea this joke had already been made.

A cop pulls an 80-year-old woman over for speeding. Officer: “Ma’am do you know why I stopped you?” Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?”   “Ma’am, you were speeding.”  “Oh, I see.”  “Can I see your license please?”  “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.” “Don’t have one?  “Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.” “ I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.”  “I can’t do that.” “Why not?” “This car is stolen.” “Stolen?  “Yes, I stole it, then I killed and hacked up the owner.” “JFC YOU DID WHAT??  “I just told you.  If you don’t believe me, his body parts are wrapped up in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.” The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 6 squad cars are on scene and 3 officers, led by their Sergeant approach the woman's car with guns drawn. The Sergeant addresses the woman: “Ma’am, would you step out of your vehicle please!”  The woman steps out of her vehicle. Is there a problem sir? Sergeant: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.” “ Murdered the owner?” “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.” The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. “Is this your car, ma’am?” “Yes, here are the registration papers.” The Sergeant is perplexed. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer. The Sergeant examines the license. He looks bewildered. “Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”    “Sure, and I bet the lying sonofabitch told you I was speeding, too.”

What does god say when he throws helicopters? Kobe

Sexual tendencies of cops Two cops are talking: Cop 1: "Man I found a way to get the greatest orgasm!" Cop 2: "Whaaat? Tell me about it!" C1: "I let my wife go down on all 4, take her from behind and shortly before I cum I take out my pistol and fire a few shots into the air. This frightens her and she squeezes her buttcheeks together which makes it even more intense for me" C2: "Oh man I have to try this tonight!" The next moening the two cops meet again. C1: "And? Did you try it?" C2: "Yes, I did. But your advice was shitty! Because when I got home, she insisted on 69. So we went on and shortly before I came, I took out my Glock and fired 4 shots into the air." C1: "And then? What happened?" C2: "She nearly bit off my dick, shat onto my face and a dude came out of the cabinet with his hands in the air."

I have to teach in my classroom? Bet. I first started teaching over 20 years ago at a high school, so this was roughly May of 2004. As a new teacher, I was the low man on the pole and ended up in a portable classroom instead of the main building. If you don't know, it is what it sounds like. Kind of like a small mobile home trailer. They are meant to be used temporarily at best, for overcrowding or emergencies and the like. The big problem is that Florida is hot as hell. We have two seasons: Summer and Hot Summer. This particular year, our AC in the portable couldn't keep up. The insulation in the building had been damaged in a hurricane the previous year and had not been repaired yet. As a result of those two things, it was hotter inside the portable than it was outside in the shade with a breeze. So I said "fuck it" and moved class outside and taught math in the courtyard for a few days. One of the assistant principals saw us, and asked to see me later. He asked why I was teaching outside, and I explained. "Teach in your classroom." I tried to negotiate. What if the front office has my cell number? What about the media center, can I teach there? "Teach in your assigned classroom." Bet. That weekend, I went to the home improvement store. I bought a 50 gallon trashcan, a large standing fan, a small pump and some copper tubing. I rigged it up so the chilled water would be pulled through the tubing that was zip tied to the front of the fan. Then Monday I went to work early and got a bunch of ice from the cafeteria to put in the trash can. I filled the cooler with water and dumped that in there with the ice. I now had enough ice water to make cool air. When the kids showed up for first period, we had some air. It wasn't as good as a real air conditioner, but it helped. The kids thought I was a mad scientist, and that actually made me think about switching subjects to science later. No kids I am not a mad scientist, just basic thermodynamics here. By third period kids are telling each other about it. We went that way for about a week and a half before it ended. I got called in to the office. "Why am I getting phone calls from parents about some science experiment in your MATH CLASS, Mr. Cobb?" It seems some of the kids had been talking about my DIY solution at home. "It's a home made air conditioner. I told you ours was crappy. You didn't want to address the situation, so I did." I was told to disassemble it, and by some miracle, I had a newer AC unit in my portable the next day. The principal was PISSED I "made the school look bad" and she non-renewed my contract at the end of the year, so I had to find a new school. My son goes to that high school now. Those same portables are still in use.

Forced to use AI at work My work are pushing us to use AI as much as possible, so much so that they monitor our usage and pull people into meetings asking why they aren’t using enough Claude credits. They keep saying that we should use it for anything that could save us time, but they can’t see any of our prompts/chats. I do find AI useful, but managers don’t understand that it can also slow me down in the type of work I do. I’ve started copy pasting multiple choice questions from all the cybersecurity and other online courses they make me do seemingly endlessly. Literally takes me a minute to complete these now vs 15mins to 1hour depending on the questions. I copy them in separately and ask Claude to explain his answers in lots of detail, and oh boy does he rattle through credits (sorry environment)! A great time and mental energy saver, as well as keeping my AI zombie bosses at bay! Hope this post inspires others to never do a cybersecurity course ever again!

Blonde is pulled over by a blonde cop.. A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too.' Edit: heres the comic that I have never seen until it was posted in the comments :-) http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/auto-blondes-officer-driver-200267.jpeg

Department head tried throwing me under the bus Dept head asked me to prepare performance numbers for a new product launch and compare them against our existing product. When I crunched the data, the issue was obvious. The existing product significantly outperformed the new one across every key metric obviously because it had built a legacy and the new one didn't have time to breathe. I raised concerns that sharing a direct comparison with senior management would undermine the launch and suggested reframing the story around long-term potential and the need for marketing support, without spotlighting the old product’s stronger performance. He rejected that approach and insisted that the numbers be shared as is, making it seem like I lacked integrity. I documented my concerns and then did exactly what was asked. I posted the full comparison to senior management. Clean data. Clear visuals. No interpretation added. The difference in performance was impossible to miss. Senior management reacted quickly and aggressively. The launch strategy was questioned, the investment decision was challenged, and the product team was put under a microscope. During the fallout, the head attempted to distance himself by acting as though he had not yet reviewed the numbers before they were shared. Unfortunately for him, the timeline, approvals, and written trail made it clear otherwise. Now he's extremely pissed at everyone and stays in his room.

Critical Error:Temporary solution no longer temporary Years ago I was working on an IT contract with a bunch of some of the worst managers I'd ever encountered. Malicious compliance: we discussed renewal of my 1 year contract and they said no, I was too junior (it was one of my first IT contacts). BUT they set me an impossible task and demanded that I finish it in the few weeks I had until my contract ran out. I told them it was impossible but they insisted they only needed a temporary solution so I should be able to do it, if not, I'd face disciplinary action and they would give me bad references for not being able to do the job. So I complied and set myself to do it, but I'd do it with an extra bit of functionality - like a sting in the tail. Here's the full story: They demanded that I develop a system for them which was way out of scope for what I was being paid, and job description. It would require a huge amount of effort and stress. They said I can't get paid anything extra for it because it was only a "temporary solution" and that at some stage in future they'd get "real professionals" to come in and set up a "real" and permanent solution. I did it anyway, out of a misguided youthful sense of duty, and it was a massively good learning opportunity. But it took its toll on my mental health because of the bullying and threats, and zero gratitude when I delivered a fine product that surpassed everyone's dreams. I saved them hundreds of thousands of dollars in development costs, and my system immediately generated colossal revenues and savings. My contract ended and they offered me an insulting bonus (way less than even my monthly rate). Once again reminding me that this was only a temporary solution until they got a "real" project and dev team in place to build the real thing. But I turned the tables on them. I'd made sure from the start that all my code was inaccessible and then I'd set a timer so that after a certain time period since my last log in, the whole system would stop working. Instead, it would generate a continuous repeating error message "CRITICAL ERROR: Overclock collision: Temporary Solution no longer temporary" I heard it caused them a massive loss of business because my system had worked so well they'd decided to keep it instead of getting something "real". But never called me up to offer thanks or rewards. So when the director phoned me in desperation when it broke I just said there was nothing I could do as I was fully engaged at this time and had no idea what that error was about - must have been something they'd done. I was as friendly as can be but basically put the phone down asap and ignored future calls, except a few where I'd fake it like "sorry can't talk, just boarding a flight". Am I evil. No. In all the times they contacted me they never once expressed recognition for my fine work, the huge benefits I'd brought them, and no regret for the disgusting way they bullied and threatened me while working for them. In fact, on the first call, the director still spoke to me in a bullying and threatening tone. He only started to get polite at the point where he realised I was about to put the phone down after telling him I'm currently fully booked. That was one of my first ever contracts. They were so horrible to me. I was young and inexperienced so didn't know how to deal with the situation at the time. I hear they finally got a "real" system, but it took 3 times longer to get it up and running than I'd done alone, and they'd hired 3 developers to do the work.

Student made demands regarding a project and found out the hard way. One of the degree modules I teach involves students working on a group programming project. Nothing too elaborate, but the aim of the module is to develop skills they will need if they go on to work in the IT field. After all if you're doing a Computer Science degree, you must be thinking of going down that route? This one student is an absolute entitled nightmare. He uses GenAI for a lot of his work and it really does show. He always pushed back on the written remarks on his work but every time I sit him down and ask him to explain the code he produces, he struggles and often has no idea how the code he submitted works. In this project he came up and told me he cannot work with others in the group and must work alone. I explained that there are specific group activities and efforts I would be marking and that I needed to see his input within the group. There was no way I could excuse him from the group activities in the module, however I could see he was not going to budge and therefore complied with his demand to work on the project alone. All the students in my class had been assigned to their groups and I did check in with all of them on a weekly basis. This one guy was steadfastly refusing to work with the rest of his group and as I had complied with his request, he was working on his own project alone. In my interim feedback at the end of each stage I repeated that he really should work with the group or he risked a failing mark for the module. I made sure this feedback was sent to him both in hardcopy and also via email with read receipts which I kept. Cue the end of the module and the submission for marking. Sure enough, the one student submitted a project based just on his own work and had not engaged with the group he was asked to work with. There were several issues with his project, first and most important was it didn't meet the brief. The code simply didn't do what we asked for. He lost marks for that aspect of the project. As he had not worked with others in the group, he was not awarded any of the group marks allocated for the work. Because his code was so far away from the specification, I called him in for a Viva Voce to explain the code and he demonstrated a complete lack of understanding of the code he submitted, more marks dropped. His eventual mark for this assignment was a hard fail. He must now resit the entire module. There is of course one real downside of this whole thing that affects me. I've got him in my group again for the resit of the module.

You're right, you are never working with me again. Back about seven years ago I was promoted to office manager of a small construction company. I inherited a very messy role, the previous office manager was disorganized and technologically disadvantaged. When I came into the role I was brand new to the type of work, but I have always been very detail oriented. I didn't understand the vendor or inventory process, so I immediately began to log EVERYTHING I could so I would be able to make reports/understand it all. Fast forward about 2 months into the role and the owner of the company informs me he only wants to sign checks one day a week. Essentially we would inform our vendors that any invoices received Friday-Thursday at noon would have a check cut and signed on Friday. I am not sure if this is standard anywhere else, but judging by a few vendors' reactions it wasn't in this industry. Understandable, we are talking about truck drivers who go and pick up a load of material, pay for it, then deliver it to the job or our yard. So if they do that Friday, turn in the invoice, they are out 500-1000 dollars until the next Friday. They were used to being paid within 1-2 days and some of these guys live paycheck to paycheck. It wasn't ideal for them. I sent out an email to the vendors and explained the processes. While not all of them were happy, no one had too much of an issue with it. I gave them, I think, like two weeks of notice before the policy would begin? Plus we had worked with all of them for years, they knew we were good for the money. Then there was this one vendor. He stated it was going to be a headache. I apologized, explained this was the new policy and we couldn't adjust. He accepted it, I thought, and we moved on. Cue three or four weeks later, he calls me in a hissy fit because he needs his check NOW. I apologized, explained to him that his check was going to be signed the next day (this was a Thursday), as per our policy and told him my hands were tied. He hung up on me and called my coworker (Project Manager). He was screaming into the phone, which, since we were in the same tiny office, meant I heard every word. It ended with: "I won't work with that b\*tch from here on out! I will only talk with you!". ...oh really? That is how it is? Well, here is the thing. Like I said, I am pretty detail oriented. The product he delivered to our yard was consistently off. My system would say we have 100 yards of it, but my super would be asking for three more loads (45 yards each) because the back had roughly 10 yards left. I had brought up the issue with the owner and super, we had established a new protocol that our personal crew truck drivers needed to fill out papers every day to show what they were taking to projects. I was keeping track of every yard and sure, there should have been some loss, but 100 yards? I had always assumed it was a shortage on our end. That we were overusing this material, or they weren't tracking their loads to jobs correctly, or we were measuring it incorrectly in the back - probably a combination of the three. After being called a b\*tch though... I called one of my vendors who delivered a different material and asked him if he could deliver this material. I told him how much we got (45 yards a truck, usually 3 truck loads every other week, for blank cost) and he was bewildered. He goes "How is that guy matching that cost? That is unbelievably low." then he asked me who the vendor was. He tells me "That guy's truck can't carry more than 20 yards." and when I was hesitant to believe this, he added "Do you get weight receipts?" I had never heard of weight receipts. Again, I was an absolute baby in this industry. No one had trained me. However, I HAD noticed that every other vendor had a weight written on their invoices (something I had logged but never paid too close attention to because we measured in yardage, not tonnage. There were some items that I would convert to yards because they only gave me weight, but then most had yards AND tonnage notated), while this guy always turned in a handwritten ticket that said "45 yards". This is how it had always been. The office manager before me would order 3 loads of 45 yards of material. It would be delivered in the back. I don't think she would tell the back how much should be there and I certainly never did either, not until I started to notice the discrepancies. Not until I started creating processes to fix the discrepancies. Favorite vendor goes on to say "Hey, I know the yard he picks up from. I pick up 'different' material there and am friendly with them. They should have copies of the receipts. I am going to try to get them for you." He asked what day our last delivery was. I give him the details. Despite liking this vendor I was pretty skeptical- surely he just wants my business and wants me to pay more. Still, I couldn't lie and say I wasn't curious if what he was saying was right. That day he texts me

Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" Shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

Heresy I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off. ~Emo Philips

"What did you say to your friend that drove him to commit suicide," asked the cop to the teenager. The next day it was discovered that the cop had committed suicide.

Cop: You are arrested for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Wait! I can explain everything.

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

So, insurance company, you won't give me a letter with a clean driving record? I was grumbling about insurance companies in another thread, and led me to this memory.... My wife was driving in Toronto many (many) years ago. At an intersection, she waited at the red light, and then the advance "green left arrow" lit up and she started turning left. Other vehicles coming the opposite direction also had the same "green left arrow" for them to turn left. It's pretty standard stuff, everyone's been through those while driving. Unfortunately, the driver coming straight the other direction wasn't paying attention. He saw the vehicle next to him start moving (turning left), so he did too (going straight), through the red light, and crashing into my wife. So I call the insurance company. I'm thinking this is pretty straight forward; my wife was legally turning left, buddy ran a red light and hit her. Nay, nay, they tell me... my wife was turning left, so regardless of right of way, she's deemed equally at fault. She should have anticipated someone would run the red light and waited to make sure he was going to obey the law. I grumbled, but they stood firm. That ruling was horseshit, but it wasn't a fight I was going to win. The damage was mostly cosmetic to the side of the car; $4k to repair, but the car was perfectly derivable and wasn't unsafe. It was also an older second vehicle we rarely drove anyways. So, instead of getting it repaired and watching my rates subsequently go up 100% for the next five years, we shrugged and told the insurance company that we wouldn't claim it and take care of it ourselves. Fast forward nine months, and we're moving somewhat unexpectedly to another province. My insurance company doesn't have jurisdiction in that province, so I need to change companies. I do, and new company wants a copy of my clean history from old insurance company. When I contact old insurance company, the female employee at the counter tells me that they can't give me a clean driving record because we \*were\* in an at-fault accident, so they will have to tell the new insurance company that. I give them my best "are you fricking kidding me" look. She refuses to budge. "Rules are rules, and it would be dishonest". Rules are rules? OK, I go home and I look up the company's rules. It seems that I have one year to process a claim. I come back an hour later, and smile at the nice lady. I tell her that if I'm going to get held liable for the accident on my record, I damn well might as well fix it. I'll have it fixed, get a rental car throughout, and basically run the repair bill as high as I legally can.. And then I'll send a notice to the company head office explaining what I did and why I did it, advising them that I admired your integrity (reading her nametag "Ms... Karen... Smith...") in not providing the letter, even though you cost your company over $5000 in unnecessary expenses. I got a long pause. "Well, maybe we can find a work around". And ten minutes later, she ended up providing me a letter, stating that I had a "claims-free driving history" with the old insurance company. Not accident free, claims free. That satisfied the new insurance company, and life went on. Man, insurance companies are the devil.

Blonde boards a airplane A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

IT wanted a ticket per sub-directory I work for a power-electronics tech company, the company has been in operation for about 40 years and within the last decade got brought out by an American based global conglomorate, and with them, they brought the local IT support team into their global helpdesk... What is my job, within this vast international machine? I fix unit's that the customer breaks. They could be returned 2 months into warranty, or relics that haven't been looked at for 20 years and have been run into the ground by non-stop running. It was due to one of these abused legacy units that I needed to fix that led me to engage IT in mortal combat - IT help desk edition. I needed data sheets, circuit diagrams and test procedure documents, considering it was a out of production, barely supported, legacy unit made during a time where design schematics were created using pencil and rulers... So not exactly sensitive corporate intellectual property. Anyway, I liase with some of the veteran who were here since before Fred Flintstone was hammering out designs, and they point me at a legacy data store that got collected and stored within the terabytes of documentation within the companys servers - and ofcourse, I do not have access. company/product/test/VCRM/ - Something like that. I put in an access request with IT, and after a week, I get a response stating that after consulting with the **Global Head of IT**, they had approved access to company/product/test/VCRM/XR\_Series/ Well, that's great, it's not the product I had infront of me, additionally, they had only given me access to that root directory, and not all of the sub-directories within... So really, I had gained access to a nothing except some folder names. I had already been delayed a week, so I fire back with as little sarcasm as I could muster, something along the lines of "Ok, thanks a bunch! But I'll need access to the entire directory, and all sub-directories within each product series" They reply "Unfortunately you'll need to submit individual tickets for each drive location due to IT Policy and data-protection initiatives." Well... Alright then. You get what you ask for. After quickly confirming what they're asking, I start firing off tickets as fast as the shiety IT web client can process them, copy+pasting the same ticket the only change being the file paths, firstly for each sub-directory within the XR\_Series (about 12 sub-directories) and then assuming the file paths are the same for the rest of the product ranges, I also start requesting access for each product range and each sub directory. Ofcourse I decided to close my outlook, since every raised ticket would shoot two emails at me with "Ticket Raised" and "Ticket Assigned"... Also because I thought it would be funny if they couldn't get hold of me. My manager comes to talk to me saying it's time to stop winding up IT. They called him, apparently having so many open tickets would destroy all their metrics and KPIs. It turns out, I was mis-informed by the IT Rep, and only one ticket would be required. Hazah. Only took about an hour of data-entry to upset IT enough into giving in. Maybe not as funny if you weren't there, but thought I'd share. TLDR: IT wanted a seperate IT ticket for each sub-directory within a folder format of about a hundered entities. I comply - maliciously.

I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat. I hate cops.

"There's nothing that says the marketing team doesn't work directly with clients." About 10 years ago I worked for a small web hosting company. Initially I was hired as entry level support, taking calls from customers that accidentally broke their websites or needed passwords reset. Then, I worked my way up to team lead where I was working with SSL certificates and cloud hosting accounts for high value customers. Finally, they moved me to the marketing team after they found out that I had an English writing degree. This was my first copywriting job, and a huge step in my career (as I am still a copywriter to this day). I remember being overjoyed when I accepted the position and thought "I'm never taking another angry phone call for the rest of my life." Cut to about a year later. I'm writing blogs, emails, video scripts, and most importantly, not taking phone calls. I'm at my desk in the marketing department, and in walks the team lead that took my position after I was promoted. We'll call her Ruth. Side note: I objected to Ruth being promoted into my old role because she's extraordinarily bullheaded and rude. She would repeatedly overstep her bounds as an entry level tech, telling other employees when they could and couldn't go to lunch and trying to manage the call queue when her only job was to take said calls. Ultimately my concerns went unheeded and she got the job. Ruth walks up to my desk and sets a bulleted list in front of me. It's a vague business strategy she's written up. Essentially, the cloud hosting division of the company is rapidly expanding, and the CSO tasked Ruth with figuring out how to field all of the additional high value customers. Ruth's solution? I resume some of my responsibilities as a tech team lead to take escalations from angry cloud customers. I said absolutely not. She completely ignored me and just kept going over her strategy. Like, literally I'm saying "No Ruth, I'm not doing this" and she's like "Uh huh, anyway as you can see here, when a tech needs to escalate a call it will come to you." I was fuming, but patiently explained that I was on the marketing team now, and my tech support days are over. She said "Well, I checked the Roles and Responsibilities section in the company handbook, and there's nothing that says the marketing team doesn't work directly with clients." She then gave me a shit-eating grin and says "We'll have to get a phone installed at your desk," and leaves. I was fucking livid. I'd be going from no phone calls to specifically only taking calls from the angriest customers we have. Then, as I was recounting this awful situation to one of the graphic designers, something dawned on me when I remembered what she said about the roles in the company handbook. As the only copywriter, I was the one in charge of managing and updating the handbook. The graphic designer saw this dawn of realization on my face and was like "Oh man, please do what I think you're gonna do." So I logged into Evernote (or whatever system we were using to manage and edit the handbook) and added a subsection to the marketing team's roles and responsibilities that specifically said we do not take phone calls, emails, or have any direct interactions with customers. This also safeguarded the graphic designers and videographers from any future bullshit from Ruth. I took the changes to the CSO who gave me a smirk and signed off on the edits. I then took the signed changes to Ruth and set them on her desk. "Yeah actually it DOES say in the company handbook that the marketing team can't take calls, as you can see here. I guess you'll have to figure something else out." She stared daggers at me but I just shrugged and left. That was the last of our interactions. She ended up poaching some top performers from the entry-level tech team to make a dedicated cloud team that never really functioned well, and she ultimately quit without a 2-week notice a few months later. So, I got some extra "I told you so" satisfaction about her not being qualified for the job as well. I still haven't taken a single customer phone call since I became a copywriter, and I intend to keep it that way.

Manager said only by the planagram This started several months ago. I work as a DSD (direct store delivery) driver, servicing bread and cake products for a certain yellow store chain. The style provides us a rack to display our cakes on, and it has a specific planagram. Despite this, it's generally agreed that each driver can use their own discretion to stock this shelf, including items not planned for the shelf. All except for one. The GM of my smallest store pulls me aside a few months back and complained about my cake rack. "I've had several people complaining about the prices on that shelf being mismatched, and we're forced to honor the price on the shelf." This was a bit of an unusual complaint, but Iwas willing to fix it, saying "Well we can fix the pricing on that shelf, no problem. I'll just need you to scan the products and make me a tag, and I'll take care of putting them up." She immediately snapped back, "You know that shelf has a planagram, right? How about we just stock it correctly?" Very well. As they say, cue malicious compliance. I begin stripping everything off the shelf that didn't match the tags on the rack (which meant I took everything away). The GM immediately started questioning why her most popular sales were being taken out. I just said "Well none of this is on the planagram, so I'll take it out and replace it with what's on there, like you said." Dejected, she leaves me to it. This compliance has paid off twice. The first time, the same GM confronted me as soon as I arrived, advising me of "holding out on her", commenting on all the nice cakes at a different locations store she's never seen in her store. I reiterated that they're not on her planagram, so I can't put them in. She snaps back "Well can't we just put some in anyway?" And I say with a smirk "Not if there's not a spot for it." And she just tells me to carry on. The second time is when our imitation butter cookies rolled out. She begged me to give some to her store, and I asked if she had a spot for them. She says there can be room made, but I asked if there was a planagram for it. She gets mad and says, "I'm tired of you using my words against me like this. I just want the seasonal stuff." And I tell her, admittedly a little pointedly "Well it's what you said, I can't do anything about it." And she just limps off. She very well could have all the fun snacks if she would just stop being a helicopter manager.

Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. You have my Word.

The memo said we must give a printed receipt for EVERY library checkout, so I did, until we ran out of paper I work at a public library and most days are calm, even when it’s busy. Last month someone higher up sent out a shiny new "accountability" memo that said every single checkout must include a printed receipt, no exceptions, no asking the patron, no email option unless they request it after you print. The memo literally said it reduces disputes, and if a patron refuses the paper you still print it and discard it yourself for "audit consistency." We all kinda rolled our eyes, but i decided fine, i will follow it exactly because i am not getting blamed later. The next Saturday we had a line out the door, strollers, seniors, kids, everyone, and i printed a receipt for every checkout even when people said "no thanks." I didn’t speed print either, because the policy also said to highlight due dates and verbally confirm them, so i did that too, every time. One guy checked out 47 items for a book club donation sort, so i printed two full pages of receipt, highlighted, confirmed, stapled, and then put the duplicate copy in the "audit tray" like the instructions told us. Another patron asked why i was throwing paper straight into recycling and i just said "new rules, sorry," because i wasnt gonna editorialize. By noon we had burned through two rolls of thermal paper and the printer started doing that faint stripe thing, which means it’s about to jam and need a reboot. So i logged a supply request, and kept printing anyway, because the memo didnt say to pause for "common sense." The line got slower, people got cranky, and we ran out of paper completely, which meant we couldnt check anything out at all because the receipt screen blocks the checkout until it prints. The fallout was immediate: the childrens librarian had to cancel a storytime giveaway, the holds shelf was overflowing, and the director got a call from the city office because someone complained they drove 30 minutes and couldnt borrow books because "the printer was empty." Monday morning we got a follow up email that receipts are now optional again and "please be mindful of waste." I kept the original memo in my drawer, just in case they forget how we got here.

My young patient begged me to listen to her stuffed bear’s heart, so I humored her and pressed my stethoscope against its chest. My own heart froze when I heard a steady thump, thump, thump.

Can't get simple office accessories? I'll bring my own 12-13 years ago, on my very first job, I was hired as a network administrator at a newly established state-owned company. Everything was new there, including processes to request office accessories. So I was settled in a office room with bare minimum office accessories. So I wrote down several simple items to request them from support department (at then, it was just a guy, later it turned into a \~30 people department). Items included simple things such as, Facial tissues, cloth hanger (it was winter and I had nowhere to put my jacket), headset, 3 colors of pen, and a white board and markers and wiper. The support department guy took a look at the list and continued with excuses about each item: * Facial tissue are not for non-managers, * Pens you can request only blue, once a week, if you bring the previous empty pen, * White board and it's accessories are also for managers, So is the cloth hanger (like, non-managers are not allowed to have a jacket?) * and for the headset, he just laughed, like, welcome to a state-owned company young one. I just realized how different are desks of non-managers and managers, it was these simple things. And I really didn't care spending myself, I just was wondering why others haven't yet. So the next day I came with a facial tissue box with a beautiful design, a really good short cloth hanger for near my seat, good pens of all colors, and a light white glass as white board + some markers to hang behind my chair, my own gaming headset, and a nice plate full of my hand chosen sweets. My chair looked PERFECT! I really mean it. specially when all other desks in other rooms were just copy-pastes of the same sick idea. It was even looking better than managers desks. by the end of that day, every manager and non-manager that came to my room, their first impression was, looking jealously to everything for several seconds, and then ask me how did support department gave me these items? my answer? just normally, with some proud in my tone, replying, "The company's rules are written by beggers, These are my own and It costed me nothing to make my room look like this". The next day, support department guy came to my room and told me, take all your own stuff home, I will give you the same as everyone. I replyed but I'm not a manager, He said we changed the rules, everyone deserves these things now Edit: Napkin to Facial tissue

I have never owned a telescope in my life. But it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

At first grandma was sobbing in happiness as I showed her how the copy of our late 5 year old daughter's brain engrams were used to make a complete AI we could interact with and show all the love and affection we could no longer give. But in my traumatized state I couldn't help but reveal how horrifying it was that the AI had leaked into the dark web and thousands of copies of our daughter were now stored in the secret hard drives of strangers around the world.

"WE HAVE RULES IN THIS HOUSE!"? Thanks for reminding me, bro! I live in a apartment complex and I have two neighbors - Martha and...let's call him "Shaggy" (you'll get why). Martha is a sweet old lady and Shaggy is...a total and utter anus. He complained about the noise when I moved in (although I tried to be as quiet as I can, SOME noise just can't be avoided), he complains about the noise if I so much as sneeze and woe be me if I forget to clean the hallways when it is my turn. His favorite saying? "WE HAVE RULES IN THIS HOUSE!". Whatever I do wrong, even the smallest infraction that a normal person would either overlook or seek a private talk about, got reported to the house owner - or the cops. I have nothing but trouble with this mofo and I hate his guts. One day, I got the cops called on me due to a noise complaint at 9:50 pm (house rules say that you have to keep the noise down "to apartment level" starting at 10 pm). I immediately knew that the "culprit" was Shaggy because Martha not only does not give a damn unless I make so much noise the entire complex is shaking on its foundations but is also completely deaf without her hearing aides - which she removes every day at 8 pm, sharp. While the cops are snooping around my apartment (they were called because there were screams and curses coming from my apartment and they wanted to make sure I had not killed anyone, even though I had just burned myself something fierce on my stove and had vented my pain and frustration) and generally being a bother, one of them suddenly asks me "Do you smoke weed?" and points out the window at the playground behind the complex. And that was when it hit me. Cannabis may have been legalized here in germany, but the law states that there are places where you are simply not allowed to light up - like in the vicinity of **playgrounds**, schools, childcare facilities etc., makes sense, yeah? And Shaggy is a freaking stoner. Walks around with red eyes, his apartment and clothes **reek** of the stuff and I have never seen him sober. He is constantly high as a kite, which makes arguing with him both scary and funny. Well, anyway, the playground behind the apartment complex means that the entire complex is a no-weed zone (even if you only light up indoors). Now, normally I wouldn't have said anything, because I ain't a snitch and Shaggy keeps it indoors. But like I said, Shaggy is a b-tard and a stickler for the rules. Well, two can play that game. I eventually got the cops off my butt (after they had looked into every nook and cranny and found no corpse) and told them to check out Shaggy, telling them about his weed use near a playground. Guess who got his apartment searched top to bottom and eventually arrested when he tried to attack a officer because he DARED to touch his stash? WE HAVE RULES IN THIS HOUSE, SHAGGY! AUNTIE EDITH SAYS: 1. I know about Martha's hearing aide habits because I help her out with stuff (household work, going shopping with her etc.). While we are together, she likes to talk my ear off (many old people like to talk if they have an audience) about anything and whatever. And a few times, the topic of me being worried that I am too noisy for her liking came up, since Shaggy constantly complains. She just laughed and waved me off with a "Just don't bring down the house and we're good. Besides, I remove my hearing aides in the evening at 8 pm. Weird habit, I know, haha." 2. The cops didn't kick in Shaggy's door "just on my say so". They went across the hallway, rang the bell and when Shaggy answered, they both took a step back upon the smell coming from his apartment. When they asked him if he's aware that there's a playground behind the house and that there are children in the house (kids of other inhabitants on the other floors), he became aggressive as in "Piss off man, 's all good nowadays." The police then asked him to show them his stash because while weed is legal now, there is a limit to how much you are allowed to have, even in your apartment (50g and up to 3 plants per adult person). He refused and the cops cited probable cause because he is obviously hiding something and could hide/destroy the evidence if they waited for a warrant. They shoved Shaggy aside, he followed them in and apparently the cops found way more than he is allowed to have, because there was yelling, a commotion and then Shaggy was lead out in cuffs with one of the officers sporting a black eye.

“Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?” Cop: It’s a... moving violation.

I bumped into my ex today. Well the cops are saying its vehicular manslaughter, but whatever...

FAFO regarding performance review This is a repost of [something that I posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/1q3sr5p/fafo_regarding_performance_review/) and its [follow up](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/1qkzjwj/comment/o1ah6qa/) on r/antiwork not sure how to do real reposts here, and not sure if there is any "compliance", but certainly there was "maliciousness" on my side. so here it goes: I work in an international corporation, our performance is rated yearly on a scale that goes: bad, average, good, high, outstanding. The last two give you a yearly bonus and there is literally no difference in the amounts you get paid but an extra minor non monetary recognition for the last. With my previous boss I had an agreement: I would do my job and cover for him as a deputy for vacations, simultaneous meetings, etc. And he would do his best so I got the HIGH performance rating every year. Be aware that I have never missed a deadline, and covered all tasks. I did earn the high performance every year for 4 years. My boss left on August and I was foisted on a new guy, I showed new guy what I was doing (my job and deputy tasks), he agreed that I should continue doing those. On December 2025 for the yearly performance this guy rates me GOOD, so no bonus, I told him that I was successfully fulfilling my role and extra work, that is our internal metric of high performance. His reply was that he had not seem me work, and he had higher expectations therefore he couldn't rate me higher. Very well, immediately after that I cancelled every meeting that had me as a my former boss replacement and sent several mails to HR and other stakeholders forfeiting the extra responsibilities, HR replied confirming that those tasks were not part of my role. Nothing much happened given that the holidays were upon us. New boss started his week with his plate full of stuff that my former boss did and I covered for, and other team's request for guidance on what to do that my ex-boss and I occasionally answered. One of the guys that I handed over tasks to, Jerry, has a background that is more managerial than operations; he is the one that ended up with most of the things that my old boss (and by extension I) was doing. Due to January being a slow month for us, and taking days off, nothing much happened until this Wednesday morning. This Wednesday a regional up and coming big shot reported a problem with one of the things that our area as a whole handles, this thing is not in my narrow specialty, but it is one of the things that I would have tackled as my boss deputy. It is a very weird situation as only one singular thing is failing, and everything else that involves the same machinery, people, services, IT, etc works as usual. No modifications whatsoever done during the whole January, so it is puzzling. I see people calling for help in a war room to find out the issue, curious I enter, and I could see the relief on people faces as they are used to me taking charge of similar things in the past. I asked a couple of questions due to pure morbid curiosity and knowing where this issue might be happening, I tell the people *"Well, based on the things you have said, we can ignore X, Y, Z as causes, the problems are either on M component, or N component; unfortunately as this is not my area of expertise, I can not offer further aid, please reach me out again if my team is needed".* Well, you could see the disappointment in their faces, but totally understandable. They summon Jerry once I am gone, and they start troubleshooting... Whole Wednesday passes no solution and people going until very late in the night, Thursday starts with the team early working on it and at some point the call my old boss at NEWCO and his team as we have some TSA (Transition Service Agreement) going on, eventually my old boss informs that they did a change in their IT services in December (which they had informed us) and for some reason we only saw the effect on Wednesday. This involves **N component** (highlighted in the previous paragraph) and of course even though Jerry was informed of this he couldn't do more as he lacked expertise, but the guys at NEWCO did something on their side and presto, all fixed. Problem solved, everyone happy right? Nope, as the reporting guy raised a fuss, saying that everything is topsy-turvy since the split and they need things to work as usual. Be aware that Jerry is not a bad guy, these things are simply not his area of expertise. After the issue Jerry comes to me asking me if I can do these technical stuff again in his place, and I transparently say that since I am not getting paid for it, I am not doing anything beyond my scope, I have too much in my plate as it is. The week has ended, and the guy that raised the alarm is asking for internal changes, and before anyone asks: he is somewhat important, but not THAT important that due to his demands they will give me a manager role, nor they will give me t

A joke is like a frog... When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it. Edit: /u/elliot91 caught me out on my shameless [copy paste](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pcec3/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/). All my upvotes are belong to him.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

Yesterday a cop knocked on my door. They said they were looking for a man with just one eye. I told them it would be more effective to use both eyes.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up. They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

Fire me for driving too fast at 15 kph then tell me to drive back the district office? You got it boss!! Tl;dr fired by raging boss, MC extra $300, show up a week later in different job and new boss keeps me in old bosses face after finding out why. Gonna be kinda long one but I have an MC and a pro revenge in one. A friend reminded me of this when talking about all the forest fires burning in Canada right now. In the late 80s I got a job with the Ministry of Natural Resources driving to support fighting forest fires. Great job, just over double minimum wage (major bonus @ 19) and they had no limit to the number of hours you could work. Fire season started early & by mid May I was supporting one that was (I think, long time ago) 3-400 hectares and growing quickly (1 hectare = 2.5 acres). Back then I think the whole district was around around 100 000 sq. km (think all of Indiana), so there was a lot of driving. One day I get to the on site hq and get told to wait while they found me a return load. Little later I am told to go to the helicopter staging area to pick up the fire boss (FB). (To preface, the road was shit) I pick him and a few others up and make my way back. Half way there I hit a deep pot hole and the FB just loses it. Starts bellowing about goddamned kids speeding, no respect etc. For the 5 minutes it takes to get back. I found out on the way there that going to fast was not a good deal so made sure to not go faster than 15 kph (9 mph). As soon as we get to base camp slams his way out of the truck a screams 'YER FIRED'!! Get back to district and have them process you!! OK, Fuck you very much sir. We were deep, deep in the bush. I don't know how deep but it took me close to 7 hours to get there. Cue Malicious Compliance I grabbed 2 20l gas cans (5 gallons) and set off. Real, real slow. If 15 kph was to fast for these roads then the proper speed was obviously however fast the truck went at idle (unless there was a hill, I'm wasn't a monster). It took 22 hours to reach the first paved road and then I set the cruise control 5 kph below the limit and went to get fired. Extra $300ish ya me. I process out and I meet one of the guys (call him crew boss CB)who taught the level 1 forest fire fighter course I took before I got hired to drive. We got along well but there only 2 new full time hires that year and none on his crew. He had just come with one of his guys who broke his leg and was going to personnel to find someone new. I was quickly hired on as his 4th. 2 hours later I'm being driven to meet his crew at a fire. Couple says later that fire is declared out and we are off to a new fire. Yup. The fire I was fired from. Kinda revengish but it get better. Cue pro revenge. CB it turns out is besties with FB so FB has our crew as the initial response crew. This meant that we spent a lot of time riding in the helicopter with FB and responding to jump fires that would take minimal time to deal with. It took a week before he recognized me and I watched out the corner of my eye, something I thought was only in books or said as an exaggeration. This guy went from pink to red to actually turning purple. I couldn't hear what was being said but I see the skittle flowing out as he yelled into headset and I got some major side eye from CB for the rest of the flight. When CB asked about it later and I explained including the drive back he almost passed himself. Turns out (surprise), FB has a long history of exploding over nothing and taking it out on the nearest poor bastard. He ended up firing 2 more guys over the same thing and likely the same pothole. So CB knew what he was like but they got along really well. Turns out he also really liked poking the bear. For the rest of that fire CB made sure I was seated so I was the first person he saw if he looked over his shoulder. On a later fire our crew got admin duties and CB was FB's #2. I got to be as CB put his helper monkey and FB's jock itch. The rest of the crew knew so there wasn't any friction and they got a kick out it. It was a great summer and I worked for CB 3 more summers through Uni. Always went back with Great stories, really nice money (I collected unemployment during school not sure if it was legal but no one said anything and pretty sure time has run out any way) in amazing shape but with a really weird tan.

Always cross your Ts and dot your Is I used to work in the office of a few companies in the DoT trades. At one, I had a guy walking off site with a coworker on a Friday night and he slipped between the crane treads. He managed to gimp home on public transportation, but when he went to take his workboots off, he knew there was something seriously wrong. So, I get the call Monday he broke his leg/ankle. I write it all down, talk to the boss and get the 411 for doing the workmen's comp report - because there are HUGE fines if you don't report workplace accidents within a certain time frame - usually 24 hours. Now, we were subs, so, not only did I have to report directly to the project's worker's comp line, I had to report to the contractor's safety officer for their compliance as well. I get the safety officer on the phone, "Hey SO, I am calling to report a workplace accident for Friday, three days ago. Here's an overview of..." SO, "GD IT!!! We've gone over a hundred (I forget the exact number, but it was more than 100 and less than 200) days without an accident. This is going to F##k UP my bonus!" insert more muttering and swears.... "Well, SO, I understand how disappointing that must be, but poor worker has a broken leg. I think we need to keep our perspective here." SO, "Fine, whatever." SO barely took note of what I said, and hung up pretty quickly. I write out my notes - talked with SO of BIG Co from this time to that and outline the details of what we covered during our conversation. I go on and call the workmen's comp line for the project and get a to do list so the worker gets paid while out of commission. There's no problem about the time lag as I called within hours of being informed. Whew! I make a file, add all my notes, copies of the worksheets I make and go onto the next fire to put out. Well, It was a fine thing I did all that, because a month or so later, Big Guy from Big Co calls me up and tries to tell me that they got a huge fine because of us, and per the contract, we were on the hook for something outrageous like $50K. I didn't even read my boss in at that point. "Big Guy, you mean the accident I reported on... wait a moment, here's the file, on Monday within an hour of being told. I spoke with SO for 8 minutes and we covered these details. Oh, he did mention being upset to lose his safety bonus." Silence. "Are you sure you want to pull out contracts about reporting standards? I'd be happy to include my notes of all that I did that day, and have followed up on?" Big guy, "No, that's fine. I've got it from my end." "Well BG, have a great rest of your day then."

Ask us to do you a favour and then complain? We can work to rule. TLDR at bottom, SFW. I've tried to simplify some of the processes so if something doesn't make sense, let me know and I'll elaborate. Appreciate this is wordy, but most of my anecdotes are! I (F33) used to work for a company that, among other things, made a particular product that was sold in reasonable quantities to a number of customers. These products were quite large and expensive, but had a (relatively) short service life, so there was a predictable trend to when customers would order replacements. Let's call the customers in this anecdote Lombard and Orange. The products for each company were slightly different, so we had to change some tooling and machining processes when swapping between the two. Furthermore, as part of the manufacturing process, we painted the products. Orange's were, unsurprisingly, orange but Lombard requested we left the products unpainted. This was due to some form of copyright issue with their paint swatch, but it wasn't a big deal as they were happy to paint the products themselves. Lombard was a larger company than Orange, and their orders used to outweigh Orange nearly 2:1. The product lifecycle was well-established at this point, so we knew roughly when orders would be placed, and could tailor manufacturing to suit. We had a minor issue when Lombard placed an order on behalf of a subsidiary company they were starting up - it wasn't anybody's fault in particular, but the subsidiary company wanted products painted yellow, whereas the first few batches we completed were accidentally left unpainted, assuming it was a Lombard order. Because of the way the products were made, we didn't have the ability to paint them once fully assembled, so we just left them in storage pre-empting another Lombard order, and re-made the products for Lombard Jr. No problems. Orange got in touch one day, and said they had an issue where they'd got their paperwork wrong or something, and urgently needed a (smaller) batch of products as soon as possible. Our contracted lead time for the product was 12 weeks; however because the contracts were so mature, we could generally get that down to about 4 weeks (as we'd start manufacturing ahead of an official order being placed). This particular issue with Orange came up whilst we were in the middle of manufacturing components for Lombard, so we didn't have an easy way to stop production and switch to the Orange tooling. We gave Orange two options. Option one was to pay a 33% premium and we would start manufacturing straight away, which would technically take 12 weeks but realistically would be about 6 weeks. Option two was to take from the unpainted Lombard stock we'd previously made at the normal price, available immediately, but we would also supply the add-on bits (at a minimal cost) that they would have to swap themselves, and then paint if they wanted to. Orange took option two. No issues so far, we still had a small amount of Lombard stock left and Orange were happy to sort out the extra work from their side. Everybody wins, right? Well, that's what we all thought. A short while later, our senior management organise a conference with us. We turn up for this conference, expecting to be congratulated for appeasing a customer in a tricky spot, or at least given some form of acknowledgement for reducing stock. Instead, we were given a dressing down because the seniors from Orange had complained to our management that the last order they received was wrong, and wasn't in their colours. They'd written as such in their official customer satisfaction reports, which were open across the industry as part of ethical practices. So, any company that wanted to order from us would now be able to see that Orange had received unpainted products in the wrong configuration. To say we were pissed off would be an understatement. The general feeling was quiet, simmering rage - the kind where you know everybody is absolutely livid, and wholly displeased at what should have been a positive outcome. The management listened to the explanation and took notes of the screenshots we shared (of emails agreeing to taking the Lombard order). They sympathised with us and confirmed we'd done nothing wrong, even going as far as to say that they knew this particular process worked well and had therefore left us alone, so they were surprised to hear of an issue. Technically yes, we were breaking our contract by supplying non-conforming parts, but as this was a rush order, they (our management) appreciated we'd done our best to help Orange, even if they threw it back in our faces. It was actually our management's idea for malicious compliance - going forward, everything ordered by Orange would be 100% to specification. Including lead time. They told us to keep doing what we were doing, but instead of sending orders to Orange, send them to our warehouse down the road. They could hang onto them until the 12 week d