100+ College Jokes

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12! A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot… Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised. Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

My late Grandfathers favorite joke There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength. News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas. John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip” The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”. Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?” With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.” “What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified” “I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls” (Today is the anniversary of my Grandfather’s passing, and I posted this because he has been on my mind since I woke up. I just saw the response that this has garnered and I am fuckin crying. Thank you all so much. You have made this day so much better)

Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Don't want to pay 4 guys to not work for 6 hours? OK, you can pay 30 guys to not work for 6 hours. To make an already long story as short as possible, some background. I am a manager for a North American railroad, and a lot of our work involves different crafts of employees. Different crafts have different unions and different work rules. The managers of the other crafts and I work together well to get done what we need to get done, especially when some of the work needs to get done at night. The track guys can have a crew assigned to nights, while the signal guys can't. Even better, the signal guys who work overnight have to be let go after 12 hours, and if it's now their regular shift because they came in last night, they get paid the rest of the day to go home and sleep. Track guys have all three shifts, but we only have a day shift and an evening shift, but no night shift, because the big hats don't want to hire enough people to do it. Now, the company has decided that paying guys to go home 2 hours early on a Thursday, come in and work overtime all night at 10pm, and go home at 10am, getting another 4 hours pay to go home and sleep is the ending of all that is good and pure in the universe, and will eventually lead to the collapse of capitalism, the nation, and indeed the universe itself. So they decide that the second shift guys have to stay 4 extra hours, and the first shift guys have to come in 4 hours early. I point out that: 1) I can't force employees to work overtime unless it's an emergency, and the union isn't likely to agree that "we want to do this at night so we don't affect traffic" is an emergency. 2) Not all employees are qualified on the same things. 3) Since they took half of my trucks away 5 years ago (because savings!!) I don't have enough vehicles for an entire second crew to show up at 2am and relieve the guys working in the field so they can go home. The guys currently working will have to stop work, pack up the tools, drive back to the office, let the (smaller) relief crew load up, drive back out to the work site, do the starting paperwork and briefings, and begin the work. And most importantly: 4) That while we aren't there, the track guys can't work, because we have to keep taking things off of the rail so the track guys can do their work, and then put them back when the guys are done so we can run the trains in the morning. All of it falls on deaf ears, because the freckle-faced college kid (who opens every conversation with "I have an MBA, dammit") who has somehow gotten to a position where he's in charge of the estimates wants to complain about those 24 hours a night. So, after having gone on the meeting record for all of it, I get out of the kids way. I decide that if my boss isn't going to have my back, I'm not going to stop this inevitable disaster. After all, I have only been doing this for 27 years, but he graduated with a 3.6 GPA from UTEP, so he must know better. So, the first night, the job grinds to a halt like clockwork at 1am, the second crew shows up at about 4:15, and they get to work. The track folks pack it in, because by the time anything gets dismantled, there won't be enough time to get anything done and put it all back together to start moving trains by 7. Second night, the shift change was a little smoother, so they got out there at 3:45. Managed to get a little work done before packing up. Third and fourth night it rained REALLY hard, so the drive back to the shop and out to the jobsite took extra time. No work done after the new crew showed up at 4:30. Bright and early Monday morning we show up at our morning meeting to find that the track guys got about 30% of the work done that they'd planned for the week, and at this pace would finish a 6-week job more than 15 weeks behind, and over budget by more than 300% Mr. MBA proceeds to launch into his carefully-rehearsed speech about Key Metrics, Percent Spent vs Percent Complete, and all sorts of other nonsense. Then he decides to start in on me. Since I obviously conspired and colluded with my employees to "egregiously erode progress" for an entire week. I held up the meeting minutes from the previous week, told him in no uncertain terms that he had asked, in fact *demanded* that we have a full shift change in the middle of the track department's work. I looked across the table at him, and asked him if he wanted to revise that position. Completely unwilling to let this lowly *engineer* tell him what to do, he said no, and I was supposed to somehow magically make the shift change FASTER. Next 3 weeks were the same story. They've now been out there for a month, and have managed to accomplish just shy of a week and a half of work. Mr. MBA shows up on the site one night, just in time to watch my night guys walk off, watch the track guys shut down the machines and gather outside to smoke, hang out, and generally carouse, because they know they now have 3 hours to screw of

A college girl once had a very active sex life... She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, she was on birth control. Only, one day, her period didn't come as expected. She thought it was probably nothing, but she was suspicious nonetheless. She went to the store and bought a pregnancy test, and, lo and behold, she was indeed pregnant. Well, shit. Due to her active sex life and having slept with all those prisoners and frat boys, she didn't really know, which one of them had gotten her pregnant. She thought about what she was to do. Should she keep the baby? How could she find the father? And then it hit her. She had to make a list of all the bros and cons.

"If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." OK then. *I first wrote this four years ago for this sub, when a lot of you enjoyed it. I've re-written and updated/expanded it and corrected some mistakes. Enjoy. This took place around December 1992-January 1993.* I got a job as a security guard after leaving the Army, because I wasn't qualified to do much else, and I hadn't decided if I was going to college yet or not. The company refused to pay very much so they had high turnover. Because of the turnover, they had small raises built in at 90 days, six months and a year as an incentive to stay on. I needed a job, and until I had my shit together, this would do. So I showed up and worked. My one year anniversary rolls around and I don't see my 50 cents an hour raise in my paycheck, but something more like 35 cents. So I called the boss. My three and sixth month raises had been delivered with no issues, so I was surprised my one year anniversary hadn't shown up. Supposedly they wanted to give all employees a raise, so they did. And yes, I got a small raise, along with all the other guards - a few hundred of us. It was something like 35 cents an hour for each of us. Ok, fine, but what about my promised 50 cents an hour? As far as I was concerned, this 35 cents an hour was something you initiated, after promising me more, so this is bonus. When I called the manager, I was told I wasn't going to get a raise for my one year raise because, "You just got a raise. No one gets two raises at once. If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." In other words, they were trying to claim a 35 cent an hour raise for every employee somehow was over-riding the fact that I was owed an additional 50 cent an hour longevity raise. I'm sure there were others caught up like that. Fine. They want to give me 35 cents an hour of a raise and tell me that is equal to the 85 cents an hour? I'll find something better. I spent the next week calling in sick and showing up late while job hunting. Called the office at the end of my last day, and told them I was done and they could find someone else, giving them no notice at all. Panic mode ensued. Everyone else was at 40 hours for the week and they hated paying overtime. One of the salaried managers had to cover for me. They told me to quit, so I did. I'm a teacher now, near retirement. My raises are still shit. But at least I can (barely) live off of it and I have a (shitty) union for now, which is more than I had then. A few more cents an hour and they could have kept me as a wage slave. Crazy that I would even consider it now, looking back on it. At least I enjoy my job today, as crazy as the kids are.

Apparently not a joke I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

Was told to work my contract hours. Damage ensued. Teacher here in inner city . Found myself coming in at 7::12-7:15 for a week or two, supposed to be there for 7:10. My Daughter’s daycare is getting construction done so had to park across street and drop her off. Got reprimanded and a mark on my file for not working during contractual hours; “you’re paid for working 7:10 to 2:22.” Fine. Once school is out at 2:02 I usually open up the weightroom and let athletes workout, give some advice (I was a college athlete and lifted a lot), and I watch them until about 3:15 when their coaches get there. Kids love it, I love it, coaches love it, never asked for pay. But my contracts done at 2:22. One day. Only one day. I posted on our webpage that I wasn’t going to be there. What happened? That same day numerous phones stolen from locker room so cops came, weightroom door broke open, kids running through halls and ran into a teacher sending her to Urgent Care. Admin calls me in asking why I wasn’t watching them. “I was told to work my contractual hours, I’m only paid until 2:22. I did this for fun, and it was unofficial.” Next day whole district gets an email for a job posting “Afterschool Weightroom Coach.” Admin asked me to apply. Now it’s costing them money. Edit: since some of you seem to be butthurt that this isn’t real and “how could they post a position so quickly” here’s my response to a comment below; It’s a long story, we actually used to have a dedicated strength and conditioning coach. He quit last year because, you might guess, was sick of dealing with my admin. They posted the position but no one wanted it and I wasn’t qualified (needed a CSCS). So I unofficially took over because kids wanted to work out which I applaud them for. The new position posted was a revised posting with lowered qualifications so I could take it

Accused of stealing/embezzling electricity from employer For almost two decades I worked security in office buildings, night shift, so I could work on my novel drafts. At work, in the idle hours between rounds and other security duties, I wrote on an iPad with bluetooth keyboard and I had connected their chargers to the electric outlets in my security reception desk. \[I get a lot of comments on how I shouldn't write at work and that was why I was singled out. These commenters are wrong. They do not understand that my work was 'guarding' an empty office after hours between 23.00-07.00 hours. This involved a maximum of two hours of actual work (walking rounds, checking if all the keycards had been returned, answering phone calls), leaving six hours to pass the time and stay awake. Most of my coworkers filled that time with non-productive activities like watching TV, playing games, filling out crossword puzzles. Others were college students who studied for their exams or wrote on their thesis. And I knew this beforehand, which is why I chose a low paying job way below my level specifically because I would have hours to read books and write on my novels. They could only fire me if I fell asleep or didn't follow up on alarms, but not for spending the 'idle hours' writing.\] I had a manager who had a personal problem with me and tried to get me fired. Since I performed my duties above average, he had to find a way to get me on something else. So, one day, I was called to HQ for a meeting with my manager and ~~a floozy from HR~~ a young female intern from the Human Resources department who spent the whole meeting flirting with my idiot manager (who was married to the company owner's daughter). I was accused of theft. Stealing electricity for my laptop. I told them that if they wanted to accuse me, they had to do it properly. I hadn't committed theft. I had committed embezzlement, since the electricity was part of my reception area and under my supervision. Therefore, embezzlement is a vastly more insidious crime and they should send me home and gather the disciplinary committee to judge whether I should be fired for this crime and I would confer with my union rep. They immediately retracted their accusation and stopped bothering me with their nonsense. All my colleagues charged their devices from company outlets, so their accusation would mean every employee could be arrested for electricity embezzlement. Then the irate manager hung up a sign in the security area that nobody was allowed to charge their personal devices. So I took a typewriter to work, so I didn't need to charge my writing implements. Also, I had a Nokia that would hold a charge for several days, but my coworkers had smartphones that needed juice, so they got angry at management for signs about not being allowed to charge their phones and that complaint spread to other locations, forcing the management to remove the signs and allow people to charge their phones again, and I could hook up my iPad+BT keyboard again. Addendum: The 'stealing electricity' was just a rage-bait excuse to provoke me to get into an emotional outburst to my manager, so he could fire me for insubordination. Instead, my response made him escalate to posting signs about the petty electricity rule that angered my coworkers with management. Commenting on the cost of electricity misses the point - it was never about the theft of electricity. The accusation was intentionally ridiculous to provoke a quarrel. Also, in the Netherlands the novel that I write is my intellectual property and there is no legal clause in our contracts that the company should get financially compensated for part of the novel been writing 'under company time'.

Ok, I'll obey your rules ... if you insist Back in the 90s I was in college, struggling to pay my bills and attend classes. McDonald's had a promotion at the time, buy a Big Mac for only 25 cents! I thought this was a great way to extend my grocery money, I'd buy 25 Big Macs, freeze them, and eat them once a day for lunch. I pulled up to the drive through and ordered 25 Big Macs. There was a pause, then a concerned tone saying "Hold on a second" and then a brief delay. The window jockey came back and said "Sorry, there's a max of 5 Big Macs per order". "Well then," I replied, "You can ring it in as 5 separate orders, or you can just sell me 5 and I can drive around the drive-thru 4 more times. Your call." Another brief pause. "That'll be 7 dollars and 19 cents, please drive thru". Edit: (Because it keeps getting asked and answered multiple times yet people still keep asking) The extra difference in the price I paid is due to a thing called "Taxes".

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

You want to review every client interaction? Perfect, your Inbox is about to blow up I've been working at this small marketing agency for just over a year now. It's my first "real" job after college, and I've been thrilled to have actual clients and responsibilities. Well, I was thrilled until we got a new account manager, Debbie (not her real name, obviously). Debbie came from one of those corporate mega-agencies where apparently they micromanage the living daylights out of everyone. From day one, she had "concerns" about my communication style with clients. Mind you, I'd been praised by these same clients for being responsive and helpful. Last month, after I sent what I thought was a perfectly normal email to our biggest client about a small scheduling change, Debbie called an emergency meeting. "From now on, I need to approve ALL client communications before they go out," she announced with that fake smile managers use when they're being unreasonable but pretending they're helping you. "Everything. Emails, phone call notes, text messages, meeting agendas. Send them to me first for review." When I pointed out that this would slow down our response times, she just waved her hand dismissively. "It's about quality control. Better to be right than fast." Fine. You want ALL communications? You got it. I started that very afternoon. Every. Single. Thing. If a client asked what time a call was scheduled, I drafted an email response and sent it to Debbie. "Awaiting your approval on this time confirmation." If a client texted asking for a quick file, I'd screenshot it and email Debbie. "Please approve my response to this text message." I even created a special folder in my drafts called "Awaiting Debbie's Approval" and set up an automated counter. By the end of day one, I had sent her 17 approval requests. By the end of week one, it was over 100. The best part? I stopped answering my phone when clients called. Instead, I'd let it go to voicemail, then email Debbie: "Client X called about Y. My proposed response is attached. Please approve." After about two weeks, Debbie was drowning. She'd fallen behind on approving my communications, which meant clients weren't getting responses. They started escalating to her directly, which doubled her workload. The breaking point came when our biggest client emailed both of us complaining about delays. I responded to the client with: "I've forwarded your concerns to Debbie for approval of my response. Once approved, I'll get back to you promptly." The next morning, Debbie stopped by my desk looking exhausted. "I think we need to adjust our approval process," she said, trying to maintain her corporate dignity. "Moving forward, just use your judgment for routine communications. Only send me things that involve project scope, timeline changes, or budget discussions." "Are you sure?" I asked innocently. "I have about 30 draft responses waiting for your review right now." She visibly cringed. "That won't be necessary anymore." I've been happily sending emails without approval for two weeks now. Debbie barely makes eye contact in the hallway, and honestly, that's fine by me. The best part? My quarterly review is coming up, and all those approval emails are documented proof that I've been trying my absolute best to follow company protocol. Sometimes malicious compliance is the best teacher.

You want me to provide a good reason for why I want to use my vacation days? Time to trauma dump So I work in a pretty low stress job, which makes it absolutely hilarious that my boss demands that whenever we take our paid time off we "give a good reason" Like, dude, why do I need to give you a good reason to take my vacation days? They're mine, I'm entitled to take them to dedicate the time to my new hobby of staring at the ceiling, it ain't none of your business. Well I had planned to take a few days off to recharge after a (very relatively) intense work week. Unfortunately the boss thought this was a great time to send out a "reminder" email that if we intend to take time off we need to provide a reason & have it approved. This was a mistake on his part. I went into his office, head hanging low, and started talking about my dad's cancer, how intensive chemotherapy was, I didn't make myself cry but I was putting that theatre class I took in college to good use, I might have even hit him with "and I'm just so used to seeing my dad as this strong, invulnerable guy, but... he's just human, y'know? And soon he might be gone... how do you even deal with something like that..." Now by this point my dad had been cancer-free for years, so this was purely performative, but my boss just looked so uncomfortable, it was great. I wish I could say this caused the boss to send out an email saying we no longer needed to give a reason for our time off, but no such luck, instead I just kept coming up with other traumatic life experiences to justify my vacations. I think my grandma died 3 times these past few years, poor woman. I may have to come up with something new for when she actually does die. My boss still gets visibility uncomfortable whenever I come to ask for time off in person instead of via email, it's kind of hilarious to me.

Restaurant parking lot was for customers only so I made the owner's daughter go find street parking 4 blocks away. Inspired by the recent post of making a CEO sign in as a visitor, it reminded of a college job. Years ago I worked as a parking lot Attendant for a high end restaurant. Parking was for customers only. Not even employees could park there. I got chewed out by a manager one day because I let a cook who was running late park there (the cook apologized to me because I got in trouble). One night the owner's daughter (completely spoiled brat) showed up and I told her "Sorry, Customers Only." She flipped out on me but, again, "Sorry. I Was Just Yelled At By Tony (the manager) And He Said CUSTOMERS ONLY." She wound up having to parallel park four blocks away and apparently scratched her bumper backing into a street sign. Tony promptly showed up and fired me on the spot. This was a beer money job so I told him where he could stick it. A couple days later the Owner called me and apologized for the whole thing. He said the whole situation caused restaurant drama because employees took my side. I did the right thing by letting the cook park there and then Tony overreacted by yelling at me. He obviously knew I was being a hardass because I had been yelled at and wouldn't let his kid park there. He offered me my job back but I politely declined. A couple months later I found out that the guy who replaced me got fired for taking bribes from people to park in the lot and never go into the restaurant. Tony then got fired because turns out he was fudging sales numbers and stealing money from the till every night. And the wheels on the bus go round and round. TLDR: Got yelled at for letting an employee park in a Customer Only parking lot. Denied the owner's daughter parking and got fired for it. Guy who replaced me took cash to let anyone park there.

Boss looked like a fool courtesy of me I worked as a recruiter for a temp agency when I was young and fresh out of college. The manager of the agency was a total micromanager and wanted a say in absolutely everything. She micromanaged everyone so badly that she wanted to proofread any emails that any staff member was sending externally. She also want to be CCed on every single outgoing external email. One day one of my coworkers got a response back from an employer who gave some positive feedback about the email she wrote. Our manager made sure to reply all and take credit for the email and explained she oversees all outgoing emails. A few days later in a staff meeting she made a point of saying she should get credit for any feedback the agency receives since she proofreads everything. The thing is, this manager was not well spoken or smart and not even a particularly good writer. I regularly spotted issues with her sentence structure and use of commas but just didn't say anything. One day she's proofreading one of my emails that would be going externally to an employer who pumped a lot of money into our agency. I was stating in the email that I thought so-and-so was a great fit for their vacant position based on so-and-so's past experience. Miss Manager comes to my desk and tells me the email looks good except it should read 'passed experience.' I told her that was incorrect and she told me I was wrong and she knows the difference between the two words. I wasn't in the mood to argue so I wrote it as 'passed experience'' and CCed Miss Manager on the email. The employer writes me back and says as an employer who hires people to work on printed literature they wanted to correct me and let me know it's actually 'past experience.' That's where malicious compliance kicked in. I hit reply all and thanked them for the feedback and explained my manager values all feedback and since she proofreads all outgoing emails, she was the one who insisted on writing 'passed experience.' The next day she announced she no longer wanted to proofread outgoing external emails and didn't want to be CCed on them any further. Malicious compliance put that witch in her place!

Why didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.

oh i’ll smile alright I (21F) work part-time at a retail clothing store while I’m finishing college. It’s your typical mall chain: overpriced basics, weird music, and managers who think “the customer is always right” even when the customer is actively shoplifting. One day during my shift, my manager Craig (40s, always smells like Axe and insecurity) pulled me aside and said, “Hey, I noticed you don’t smile much. You should really smile more—it makes customers feel welcome.” I said, “You mean be friendlier?” He said, “No, literally just smile more. Even when no one’s talking to you. Just keep a smile on.” Okay, Craig. You want smiles? You got it. For the rest of my shift—and every shift after—I smiled. But not like, normal smiling. I smiled wide, with too much teeth. I smiled while folding jeans. I smiled while sweeping. I smiled while telling a Karen we didn’t have her size. I smiled at customers until they asked, “Are you okay?” One guy legit said I looked like I was about to snap. Another asked if I was in a cult. A little kid started crying when I greeted her at the fitting room. Coworkers caught on and joined me. We started calling it “Smile Mode.” By the end of the week, it looked like a haunted mannequin showroom. Craig finally told us to “tone it down.” I asked sweetly, still smiling, “Oh, I thought you said to smile more?” He didn’t bring it up again.

You said you wanted an ad with only one color. You got it buddy! This happened years ago in my past life as a graphic designer. But I still think about it to this day. I was 22 and fresh out of college with my graphic design degree. My first gig was at an advertising company. We mainly did those really horrible print car ads that you got in your mailbox and immediately threw in the trash. You know the ones: only one font and it’s huge and screaming at you. Every inch of space has a picture of car, cramming 50 cars into a 7x5 inch area. You know… trash! Fresh out of school, I foolishly made suggestions on how to make actual ads and not hot garbage. But it was made clear to me very quickly and very aggressively that they wanted trash. So I compiled. Now, we had one client who was THE client. He brought in the most money and bought the most trash ads from us. And he also was very specific on just how bad his ads should look. Font was Impact on all ads and it filled every corner of the paper. On one ad I remember him demanding I squeeze over 100 cars into a single space. It legit looked like a magic eye poster by the time it went to print. I dealt with that guy and his unreasonable requests for over a year. Well the guy amazingly got worse. Started telling me which colors I could or couldn’t use. And one by one, the colors dropped out. And eventually I had enough. After he said I could no longer use orange I said “just to confirm, you do not like and do not want me to use red, orange, yellow, green, purple, pink, brown, white, or black?” He confirmed. I said okay. The only color left was blue. So I spent hours taking all the cars, all the fonts, all the text and all design elements and making them all the same exact blue. No shading. No highlights. Just a flat blue. The end result was one giant flat blue square. Like someone took a paint roller over it. Now I could have made a blue square in two seconds. But I spent hours using all the elements he told me to use to cover my ass. Because when we sent that blue square to proof, the client of course blew up. Called me screaming. I replied calmly that he told me the only color I could use was blue. I used all the pictures and elements he asked for and did exactly what he wanted and made them blue. Our calls were recorded so I didn’t get in any trouble with my boss. And I got to waste several more hours remaking the same ad but with the original car pictures and elements. It was a really fun day.

It is/was/will be my Cake Day, so here's a favorite: A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed ... They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his 'willie' points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She smiles and says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

A guy walks into a bar... ...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

I told my wife of 20 years that I had believed I was going blind when everything started to turn black. When I opened my eyes my college roommate said "Hey, dude, pass the salvia, it's been my turn for the last 10 minutes."

[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool. 5x0=0

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine.” It’s because I sucked at tennis.

A father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is. His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.” Confused, his dad agrees, and on his fifteenth birthday, the son opens his present to find a single pig pong ball inside. “Dad! Thank you so much! I am the happiest kid on this planet!” The next day, the father goes into his son’s room but doesn’t find the ping pong ball anywhere. Next year rolls around, and the father asks his son what he wants for his birthday, probably a car, or a new video game. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The father, only wanting to please his son, asks what that one thing is. His son says to him, “I want a ten pack of ping pong balls.” The father was a little weirded out, but he did as his son wished, and on his sixteenth birthday, the son opened his present to find a pack of ping pong balls. “Dad thank you so much! I love them!” The next day, he goes up to his son’s room, and doesn’t find one ping pong ball anywhere. Twelve months pass, and it’s time for the son to turn seventeen. The father, ready for whatever outrageous gift his son might want, asks him what he would like for his birthday. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, thinking he’s about to spend a shitload of money on a new car, asks his son what that thing is. “I want a jug of ping pong balls.” The dad, who was just taken aback by the whole situation, bought his son a jug of ping pong balls to open on his seventeenth birthday. “Oh my god! Dad thank you so much!” On the next day, the dad goes into his son’s room, but doesn’t find a single ping pong ball anywhere. Four seasons pass, and his son is becoming an adult. The father, who is about to send his only son to college, prepares himself for the amount of money he is about to spend on his favorite kid to send him to his alma mater, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The father asks him what that one thing just might be. “Well dad, I want a warehouse full of ping pong balls.” The dad is like, holy shit? “What is up with my son and his ping pong balls?” But he does as his son wishes, and the next day, he drives his son to the an old abandoned warehouse. They open the door, and ping pong balls just roll out. Everywhere. “Dad. Thank you so much. I love you!” Around 24 hours later, the dad drives down to the warehouse, opens the door, but there’s not a single ping pong ball inside. 8,772 hours later, the son is turning nineteen. But a few days before his birthday, he is in an awful wreck. He’s hospitalized. Hooked up to thirty different machines. The father is devastated. He goes into his son’s hospital room, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. “Son, I’m going to make this your best birthday yet. I will buy you anything. Anything you want.” His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, who is already up to protocol, is like, “alright. How many ping pong balls do you want this time?” “I want a boatload. As many as you can buy.” The father, just trying to make his son’s days in the hospital enjoyable, buys a boatload of ping pong balls. He buys out every warehouse of ping pong balls. Uses his life savings to buy every single ping pong ball in America. He walks into his son’s hospital room to tell him the news. “Dad I can’t believe you bought me all of these ping pong balls. How can I ever repay you?” The dad, who wants to know what the fuck is up with his son and these ping pong balls, asks, “well there is one way son.” “What is it Dad?” “What do you do with all of these fucking ping pong balls?” The son was happy to tell his dad what he did with the ping pong balls. “Well dad,” he started, but never finished. The son died. Edit: thank you for the upvotes and the gold. I am very humbled by you guys and the attention this has received. You guys are truly the best.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school". He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Lazy boss demands I do as he says or quit…. So, back circa 2000 I was a freshman in college. I didn’t have a wealthy family but got good scholarships from grades, but I still had to work 20 hours a week to make ends meet. I ended up working in the school cafeteria as a dishwasher, this position paid extra compared to other student positions and I got a free meal each shift. There were a couple full time staff supplemented by us students, they of course got the clean side of the conveyor belt washer (these guys were all great, very nice to us students). The other 3 spots (first spot on conveyor to pull silverware/cups/garbage, second conveyor spot rinsing/stacking dishes and the person loading washer) were typically students. First quarter goes good, we’re a bit short handed but the group I usually worked with got on well and we all learned which spots we were fastest at - so when busy we’d all go where fastest to keep from getting overwhelmed. When slower we’d rotate to break up monotony. Second quarter rolls around and someone in management decided we needed a “dish room supervisor”, enter new hire “Kevin”. Kevin is a lazy jackass, he would spend 1-2 hours eating and would only come in to yell at us before disappearing. We all hated him. Well one night it happened, Kevin decided he was going to order which spot we worked at. Of course he did this on a shift we were shorter than usual and somehow managed to put all 3 of us in our slowest spots. I of course tried to explain why we had been in different spots and should stay there. Kevin was having none of it, told me to shut up and do as he said or quit. So I did, I said I was done and walked out. His expression was priceless. Even better when I changed and came back for dinner he was having to work himself in the first conveyor spot (close by tray drop off) so I made sure to smile at him. I apologized to my friends for dipping out on them but they understood, they didn’t last too much longer either but Kevin apparently treated them nicer afterwards.

A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes. "All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

Three women convince their goofy husbands to go to clown college for a year. The men go off, graduate, and return, and now the women are gossiping about it over tea. The first woman sets her tea down, sighs, and says, "It's horrible. Ever since my husband got back from clown college, he's been pranking me! Look at this!" She pulls out a small flower and sets it on the table, where it squirts water at her. Scowling, she swats it away. The second woman goes, "You think *that's* annoying?" She pulls out a little gift bag full of tissue paper, and starts pulling it out, but the tissue just keeps coming and coming. They both turn to the last woman. One asks, "So, has your husband pranked *you*?" And the last woman blushes and crosses her legs with a *honk*.

Four brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist, and an entertainer. They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift. Some years later, chatting after a Seder dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a Mayback S680 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 12 rabbis 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks." "Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."  "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

My parents are pretty traditional so I understood why they got so upset about me dating outside our faith but once I put my foot down they backed off. It's a shame I'm going to miss my college graduation but they just told me grandpa is sick and we all need to go back to the old country to say goodbye before it's too late.

The only battle I ever won with a college. I went to College back in the early 70’s,  close to the last era when you could kind of pay your way while going to school.  I lived off campus, rode my bike to school, worked at the College/Hospital loading dock part time during school and full time the rest of the year.  I avoided additional fees like parking permits, and it was before big student activity fees. Upon completion of my degree, I received a letter from “Harvard of the Cuyahoga” that asked for $150 as a “Matriculation Fee”.  As I was not attending graduation, I called and asked why.  I was informed it was for my diploma. I had spent over two years of my life at this particular school, finishing my degree, and had paid them (1970 figures, don’t laugh) about $14,000 to date.  I had kind of assumed the diploma was included.  My diploma was included in high school and I didn’t pay them a thing.  So, I asked if I would still be able to get transcripts if I did not pay the fee and they said yes. I thanked them for their time. Cool, I got on with life, still in the same city.  About seven years later I get a call from the Dean’s Office and the nice lady explains they have had my diploma sitting in a drawer and could they please messenger it over to me?  They would REALLY like to get rid of it. I think that is the ONLY battle I ever won with a college.

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "what's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "FAG"

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

Two rednecks decide to go to college... Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."

So it's the first day of college, the Dean of Women is finishing up her speech to the female freshman. "In conclusion, ladies, if you get pregnant, you'll likely have to drop out and miss out on many of your dreams. Think about it: is that one hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of commitment?" "Now," the Dean says, "Are there any questions?" "Yeah," says a voice from the back. "How do you make them last an hour?"

My wife said our newborn was just fussy when she cried loudly at the sight of me, but things never improved. Last night, her first words were the name of the woman I killed in college.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? He's not afraid. However both of them really hate their parents because they'd named them as numbers. They were bullied constantly at high school and college. Even the interviewers laugh a lot when they see their resume. Recently Six asked out a girl and she replied, "No thanks, I only go for a perfect 10." Which of course added to his woes.

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform. After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer. Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

Make me be part of the fault finding team? Imma gonna find dem faults! Most of my stories of Malicious Compliance seem to come from 3 jobs. This is another from when I was working in IT at the college. It had been decided the world would be a better place if two of our campuses were merged into one. They were only a mile apart and the new site was 3 miles away, so there wasn't a big location issue. Sure, some people had a harder commute, but some got an easier commute. It's kind of equitable when you think about it. To make the new build a rousing success there would be consultations, and people would be consulted, and everyone would be listened to. Yeah. You know that didn't happen without me telling you, don't you? Each department was to send a representative to the New Build Consultation Group. Despite my best efforts to stay quiet or even absent every time the subject of a mandatory volunteer came up, I got voluntold to go. I, in all my mid-level position glory was to represent IT. Fine. I really didn't want to take part in a farce of a consultation so all the mistakes could be labelled as "unforeseeable". But if you're going to send a professional fault finder to a consultation I hope you have a full load of ink in that pen. The meeting comprised 5 people from different departments and Susan, who worked in Facilities, so had been given the job of managing the new builds. No one seemed to think there was a significant difference between booking rooms for training courses, making sure coffee and lunch breaks were catered, and making a multi-million £ building come into existence and transfer hundreds of staff and thousands of students over to it. After introductions, top of the agenda was parking. To be fair, I think it was smart to start with the contentious issue. Parking was already a problem and the rumour was there would be less parking at the new site. This would be solved, apparently, by not having any student parking. Ignoring the inconvenience this would cause, and questions over the public transport suitability, there was already not enough staff parking, so how was screwing over another group help us? After a bit of vague details about (somehow) rewarding car sharing, we were furnished with the magnus opus of technology that would solve all our issues; a gate with number plate recognition. THIS would stop all those pesky outsiders coming over 'ere and stealing all our spots. Something that had never been an issue.  I'd been quiet until this point as I thought it all a bit daft, and I was formulating a plan out of the job anyway, so these issues were unlikely to affect me much. But now we had hit on some technology I felt the need to chime in. I let the others ask their questions to understand how a number plate recognition gate works. For those not aware, it's a barrier with a camera. When you pull up it reads the number plate on the front of your car (all cars have a very standardised white front number plate in the UK), translates that picture to letters and numbers, looks it up in a database, and if it finds a match it opens the barrier. Once everyone understood the technology I opened up with the problems in their happy-path only thinking. OP: "So Jan and I" \*points thumb at unsuspecting woman sat next to me\* "car share every day, and she drives. But today her car is broken, so we take mine. What happens when we get to the gate?" Susan: "What do you mean?" OP: "My number plate won't be in the system, so what happens?" Susan: "Well, it could be, even if you don't drive normally" OP: "That assumes a level of preparation. What if it's an emergency?" Susan: "There will be a call button. You can speak to someone to get let in. I ignored the likelihood of that call system being managed, instead focusing on the loop-hole she'd just opened. OP: "So I'll just be let into this carefully controlled car park with limited spaces, based on my say so?"  Susan: "Uhhh..." OP: "And you said I could have my number plate in the system" Susan: "Yes", pleased to not be talking about the space issue again. OP: "Which one?" Susan: "Which what?" OP: "Which number plate? I have 2" Susan: "You do?" OP: "Yes" Susan: "Why?" OP: "Because it's illegal to use the same number plate on different vehicles" Susan: "Oh. Right" OP: "So can the system cope with more than 1 number plate" Susan: "I'll check on that" While she took a note about the multiple vehicle issue I reloaded. OP: "Great. What if my other vehicle is a motorbike?" Susan: "I don't think that will be a problem" OP: "Yes, but I'm guessing the camera is on the gate and looking at the front?" Susan: "Um, yes" OP: "Motorbikes don't have front number plates. How will it read it and let me in?" Susan: "I'll check" She then wrote another note and brought the meeting to an end, siting "time". A few weeks later I heard from someone that there had been another New Build Consultation Group meeting. I hadn't been invited. Mission ac

GET RID OF THOSE F#&KIN' DANDELIONS!!!! When I was 24 I got first place on my own. I'd rented a townhouse (this was back in the late 80s even when poor people could rent entire houses) and was putting myself through college. Not a lot of money to spare, but I was getting by. The townhouse was not detached, and I had 2 neighbours whose homes were directly attached to my own. I got along fine with my southern-most neighbour (aka we said "hi" when we saw each other and that was about it) but the other neighbour, he had a chip on his shoulder. Generally rude if we bumped into each other, I'd say "hi" or "good morning", he'd ignore me, scowl, turn away, etc. Whatever, no big deal, I just took it in stride. Being a struggling college student, I didn't have a lot of money for non-essentials. Most of the people in the neighbourhood poured weedkillers on their lawns every spring. I didn't do this, for several reasons. Most important, I think it's a shame to poison the local water table, and while I love a nice lawn, I don't think you have to cater to grass. I prefer a more natural look. Back then, that meant regular grass, but with some crabgrass and dandelions. One day Bob starts berating me over my dandelions. "It doesn't fit the neighbourhood! Don't you have any self respect? You bring down the tone of the neighbourhood!" Every time he'd see me, he'd tell me I need to pour poison on my lawn (which I explained I couldn't afford and didn't want to do). At first I was polite as I wanted to be on good terms with my neighbours, but Bob started getting angrier and angrier, and more and more unreasonable, started calling me "poor white trash". One day I'm coming home, parking in my driveway with some friends from school in my car. As we're getting out, Bob comes outside and shouts, at the top of his lungs, "GET RID OF THOSE FUCKING DANDELIONS!!!" He looks over and now spots my friends getting out of the car, and he's clearly embarrassed, but he doubled down and started talking directly to my friends. "Did you know your friend is an embarrassment to the neighbourhood? How's it feel to be friends with white trash?" I had just about had enough of his anger by then, and I snapped back, told him to fuck off and mind his own business. Several days later I get a knock on my front door. Open up the door, and it's a bylaw enforcement officer. Says he's responding to complaints of "noxious weeds" in my backyard, and asks to come take a look for himself (being a middle unit, the only access to my backyard was through the house). I invite him in, offer him a drink of water (which he gratefully accepts; hot day!) and take him through to the backyard. Lots of lovely white and yellow dandelions peppered over the yard. He takes one look, and gives a deep sigh. There were no "noxious weeds", which I knew full well, as I had long ago taken the precaution of checking with the city to see what was and what was not acceptable in the weed department. And I knew I was well, very comfortably, within compliance. The bylaw cop apologized for wasting my time, said my yard was "Nowhere near" a problem. He left, and went next door to chastise my neighbour for wasting his time. I stood at my front door and listened, it was glorious listening to Bob sputtering and angry, trying to defend himself and vilify me, all to no avail. "My wife and I can't even sit out and enjoy our back yard, because of all those stupid dandelions!" Bylaw cop told him to stop harassing his neighbours and left. But listening in gave me an idea. I knew Bob liked to sit out on his back deck in the afternoons, so I waited. As soon as I spotted him out there, I walked out into my backyard, ignoring Bob as I gathered up a nice bouquet of white-topped dandelions, seeds ready to disperse to the wind. We had a 4-foot high chain link fence between our properties, so the view between yards was pretty much unobstructed. I stood at the fence, locked eyes with Bob, and started blowing thousands of dandelion seeds into his yard. The wind was at my back so the seeds were traveling quite far into his yard. He grew red-faced and started yelling at me. "What's the matter Bob? I'm just doing what you asked, and getting rid of my dandelions." He yelled more, and I just ignored him. After depositing several dandelions worth of seeds he went back inside. From that day forward, for the next several weeks, every single time I saw him out on his deck, I'd go out and send more dandelion seeds into his yard. Eventually dandelion flowering season ended. I wanted to think that Bob learned a lesson about bullying. But he didn't. I'll post some of his other bullying attempts at some other time.

The baby was born without a chin Little Johnny’s mom sits him down before they go visit their neighbor who just had a baby boy. “Listen to me very carefully,” she says. “The poor baby was born without a chin because of a rare genetic condition. His mother is extremely sensitive about it. If you make even the tiniest comment about his chin, you are grounded for a whole month. Got it?” Johnny nods obediently. They arrive, chat for a while, and then Johnny turns to the new mom with a sweet smile and asks: “When your son grows up, will he move out of the house one day?” “Yes, of course, hopefully when he goes to college.” “Will he wash his own bedsheets?” “Well, who else is going to wash them? Yes.” “And will he iron them too?” “Yes, he’ll iron them.” “And put them away in the closet?” “Obviously, where else would they go?” “So, how is he going to fold them?”

The Logical Redneck Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."

Won’t let me give you a warning? *Stinks* to be you Apologies for formatting, I am writing this on mobile. Also I’m not sure weather this would be better here or in r/offmychest or r/pettyrevenge, but I decided to post this here first as I feel it fits here pretty handedly. This happened about a week and a half ago, I was taking a walk in a small park that has a wooded area in and a few walking trails, I decided I wanted to take the shortest path as it was getting late, about halfway through the path I saw a skunk in the middle of the path (and I am sure based on the title, most people already know where this is going). I turned around and decided it was not worth it to proceed further, and approximately halfway was enough. I exited the path the same way I entered and as I was entering I saw an old teacher of mine from High School, let’s call her Ms. Samantha (not her real name). Ms. Samantha was a teacher that went out of her way to nitpick everything I did in her class in high school (note it has been almost 12 years since I last saw her and 13 since I was in her class). Anyway with the backstory aside, I went up to greet her and said “Hello, Ms. Samantha have you been-“ “Hi, I’m trying to take my daily walk down shortest path, don’t bother me.” “I wouldn’t-“ “You said Hello, this conversation is over until I get back from my walk, or you can walk with me and we can catch up. “I just want to warn-“ “This conversation is over for now, wait until I finish my walk and we can catch up, understand, JumpingCrowJoker24?” At this point I think for a moment, I am not the type of person who would normally just let someone walk into a potential skunking, but she was just rude to me twice and did nitpick everything I did in high school, so I chose to say nothing and just took a seat at the bench nearby. “See, was that so hard? We don’t need to be a know it all, that was your issue back as a student.” And Ms. Samantha went down that path, as she did I whipped out my phone and tested my parents that I’d be heading back to my childhood home a bit late, will help them with the dog later, but “eat dinner without me, I’ll be here for a bit longer”. One thing to take into account is that the entrance and exit for the shortest path we have exit parallel to each other the entrance is on one side of the bench I sat at and the other side was the exit (in this case entrance behind, exit in front so family can wait on the bench and see their relatives exit). Normally I knew I’d see her on the way out if she’d complete the whole route, but in this case I had a feeling I’d smell her coming out first, knowing her attitude. Sadly, my instincts were spot on, as I am on my phone playing a few games, I heard Ms. Samantha’s voice vaguely in the background and my thought at the time was “oh no, she ran into the skunk here we go”. And I do not joke that just as I finished my thought I heard the sound of a Woman yell, maybe a scream I couldn’t really make that out 100%, but the wind was blowing my way so I was downwind of the path, the skunk and her so it wasn’t long before I could smell what happened. Ms. Samantha did eventually come out from the path’s exit, and the smell she was omitting was awful, it reminded me a bit of raw horseradish getting peeled, as it was really eye watering. “UGH! Uh” she moaned. “I tried to warn you about that skunk” “I figured it out when I got sprayed, you knew I’d react like that didn’t you?” I shrugged, “I wagered a guess, ya. By the way mind taking a few steps downwind? So it is easier to talk?” After that she gave me her phone number and asked me to contact her when I planned to come back, she hoped it wouldn’t be when she was still reeking in skunk odor, As I said at the beginning of this tale it has been a week and a half, she still has some lingering skunk smell, I found out that up until that moment she was doing okay as well, but she also told me she got sprayed twice, when I asked her why she did not turn back after being sprayed the first time she told me if she already got sprayed and was going to smell like skunk anyway she wanted to complete her walk. A fun little anecdote is that after everything she admitted she was being petty and when I told her I still wanted to study the foreign language she taught and took some classes in college she told me that if I ever wanted to practice to let her know and she’ll do it without the pettiness this time. To be honest I think the skunking humbled her quite a bit and hopefully she won’t be forced to deal with residual linger odor much longer, but anyway thanks for reading!

I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college.

Talk to the Hand I've commented about this, I think it fits here. In the late 80's I was asked to work at my pharmacy job full time during summer break from college. I was the only young full time worker and the only male among a clique of mom to grandma aged women mostly working mothers hours. My half hour lunch was supposed to start at noon but for some reason my relief just wouldn't show up no matter how often I paged them. Fifteen minutes, a half hour, an hour or more. It didn't bother me so I didn't complain about it. That first Friday I finally get to break a little after 1PM and the store manager comes in and starts telling me she has had MULTIPLE complaints that I have been screwing up everyone's break schedule and how disappointed she is in me. I try to tell her that my relief is not showing up and she actually does the hand thing where she just puts her hand in my face and says: SM: Starting next week I want you back on main register at 12:30 SHARP. NO EXCUSES! So next Monday I start paging my relief at quarter of. At five of I call for second or backup register who is surprised since there is only one customer. I tell her to open second register. I close main, lock my drawer in the office and punch out right at noon sharp. About ten minutes later the store manager comes running into the break room in a panic asking why main register is closed, there's a line and more importantly WHY IS MAIN REGISTER CLOSED? Me: On Friday you told me I had to be off main register at noon sharp, NO EXCUSES! SM: THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID! Me: Did you say starting next week I have to be back on main register at 12:30 SHARP. NO EXCUSES! SM: Yes! That's what I said! Me: And is my break a half hour long? SM:... SM: Can you please punch back in and take care of the line? I'll find your relief. My relief showed up at five to noon for the rest of the summer.

If a single radio's battery dies, shut it all down This happened over 5 years ago, and it still ticks me off whenever I think about it. Also sorry about how long this is lol: I was 17 working at a big theme park, and had been working there for the better part of the year. I had quickly picked things up, and was usually regarded as the responsible one on the team when it was just a bunch of us teens working a ride. We had a college student intern lead who was... not good at leading, or training new hires... We'll call him M. At my main ride, it required 3 people minimum to operate; One person in the control booth, one at the entrance gate, and one at the exit. However, we could have 4 or 5 if we were incredibly busy to help deal with the line. The people in the booth and at the entrance could not see the person at the exit directly, so we used radios. The control booth also had a camera on the exit gate. From day 1 on the job, we were taught hand signals in case the radio dies or for quick communication, these signals were universal across the entire park. That summer, 3 freshly certified kids (we had to take tests to prove we paid attention to training) started the ride with someone locked inside the fence, aka: not in a seat. Twice it was another employee, once it was a guest (which was a HUGE deal). The thing with those incidents was that those in the control booth didn't notice their mistake until the others SCREAMED at them to hit the E-stop. Those new hires were either retrained or moved to a simpler ride. Well, one incredibly busy day, there were 5 of us running things. Me, M, and 3 others. M had been called over to another ride, which normally wasn't an issue. About an hour later, someone was scheduled to go home, and M hadn't come back yet. I called the other ride and asked them to send him back. We could've run things with 3 of us, but it was super busy and we really needed a 4th. A few minutes later, someone (not our lead) was sent over to take over. Weird, but no big deal. Another hour or so went by, someone else needed to go home, I called again asking for M. Also, all the radios' batteries were dead/dying. Things had slowed down, so I, being the spare 4th person, took the radios to the office to get fresh batteries. This took less than 10 minutes, and in that time, the guys had switched to hand signals as we were trained. When I came back, our lead had once again sent over someone else to take his spot. At this point I realized that M was probably just shooting the shit in the nice air-conditioned booth at the other ride. Now the guy that got sent over to us was normally at a rollercoaster and hadn't been at this ride in over a month, so I gave him a quick review and he took controls. I turned around for maybe 30 seconds when I hear yelling. I turn around, and the ride was stopped maybe 3 ft off the ground with our entrance guy locked in the fence. The guy at controls saw what he did and hit the E-stop, something that the other screwups that summer did not think to do. We had to call upper management, and wouldn't ya know? M came running over! This time the highest of the higher ups came over as well. They pulled each of us aside and interrogated us (which was odd) then walked away and talked for like half an hour. They then FIRED the guy at controls on the spot, and came up with BS reasons to get the rest of us removed from running rides. They absolutely were only doing that to make an example of us. I tried to rip into M for shirking his duties, but as an anxiety ridden kid it didn't hit very hard. I was mainly pissed off that they fired the poor guy who never should have been there in the first place. Remember I took the already dead radios earlier? They tried to say I had 'removed communication devices from the ride area' which prevented them from letting controls know they were outside the gate. They were basically trying to pin the whole thing on me. Total bull, bc this happened after I brought them back. I assume M threw me under the bus for being 'in charge' while he wasn't there. Also, we had hand signals!!! I tried explaining that to them, but they didn't give a shit. I refused to sign the paperwork which would be admitting fault, so this fight was stretched over multiple days. Plus I was leaving for college in like 2 weeks and didn't want to spend my last days of summer cleaning bathrooms. They gave us a new rule: if a single radio was dying, we had to call a manager to fetch us a new battery even if we had people to spare to go grab one instead. If a radio died, we had to close the ride. Managers roamed around the whole area and were responsible for sooooo much, so if you called them and it wasn't urgent, it could take a long time for them to show up. The next day, my radio was dying, I called the manager, half hour goes by, I call again. My radio died. I shut down the ride. The people in the over-an-hour line got PISSED. I explained to people that we had to close because

Give me a zero for no name, got it So this happened about 12 years ago, but I thought it would be funny to post. I have a learning disability, and I’ve worked really hard to become successful academically, but when I was 14, I was still learning. So I worked really hard on this paper for my history class, and I was really proud of it when I turned it in. Two weeks later I have a zero, and when I ask why, my teacher says that I forgot to put my name in the correct spot, and he “Couldn’t find it” and “college professors won’t remember your name”. Ok, cue malicious compliance. For the next 5 papers I proceeded to highlight, underline, bold and use red ink for. Every. Single. Assignment. It gets more obnoxious for every assignment, until finally I’m using clipart and pointing arrows at my name. Finally my teacher tells me I’ve made my point, and could I please stop. I do, but I also cheer when he leaves at the end of the year and is replaced by the man that made me go into history as a career. Also, when I was getting my associates at community college, I forgot my name on a paper. My professor didn’t deduct points, and he wrote my nickname at the top. Edit: I went to a small private school, with, I kid you not, 12 people in my graduating class. It was not hard to figure out who’s paper was who’s even if I didn’t put my name on it, which I did, it just wasn’t in the right place.

You want me in 3 places at once? You got it! A little over a decade ago, I worked up in the oil patch in Northern Canada on different IT contracts. The current contract I was on was maintaining virtual meeting rooms. The oil company had decided that if you didn't need to be on site, they would move your job south and pay you 25 to 50 % less. When you needed to meet with people on site, you'd book a meeting and all is golden. The IT company I was with was amazing, but they lost the contract to an international IT company "A", servicing oil company "B". I was one of the fortunate few that got a job with IT company A; which was so unbelievably stupid. Most of the rest of the talent that had been working IT under contracting companies for 10 plus years took a walk. I think the management literally sat down and said "What's the absolute worst way we can mess things up", and then they did that. They hired a bunch of fresh out of college or unqualified people and within a few months our ticket count had gone from averaging around 50 at any given time to well over 600 and growing with no end in site. This is all well and good, and we got chewed out for the ticket count being high, we got chewed out for bringing it down low, because our ticket closure rates weren't similar, it didn't really matter; good, bad, we got chewed out. Company A was hemorrhaging money to Company B. Like every ticket outside of the allowed failures that was a failure and not resolved was a fine, and there were multiple sites. Basically IT company A ended up paying Oil company B to do IT for them. Most salaried oil company employee who had computer problems took weeks or months to get problems solved, but they were salaried and it didn't affect oil coming out of the ground, so it didn't matter. Except for the meeting rooms. Managers couldn't have virtual meetings with staff, things were getting delayed, and it was going to affect oil coming out of the ground, so it was a problem. The 12 of us working there were given full time work and 6 vehicles. The supervisor took one for himself for driving too and from town and wouldn't let anyone use it during the day, so that left 5 vehicles. It used to be that we were dedicated to a specific type of work, but now everyone did everything, and we were expected to just "Check the meeting rooms" as we drove by, or "if we had a ticket in that building". So all the meeting room maintainance was just not being done and the new guys that would get a ticket to facilitate a virtual meeting of the vice presidents, directors, etc... of the oil company would just not show up and the meeting would fail. During this time I had been loudly and constantly complaining about our inability to "check meeting rooms in buildings that we don't have tickets for when we don't have a vehicle to get there anyways", a coworker told me that one of IT company A's managers had come North to review the situation, was at lunch, saw one of my emails, said "I'm not reading that", tossed down his phone and ate his lunch. So I just gave up, gave in, and did what I was told. I had been busting my ass to keep everything working for all the execs of oil company B for months, and it was time to "cue malicious compliance". There was a building in town with meeting rooms, our building on site was around 45 minutes North. Every morning, rather than being on site and working at 7, I would be at the town building at 8, checking a meeting room, stocking it with supplies, and fxing problems; except I wasn't because it was in use and I couldn't get in. So I would drive North and get to our building around 9 and start my day, do a few tickets, be one of the only ones that the oil execs saw that could actually make meetings run successfully, and then leave at 2 to go check a meeting room I couldn't get into, and then go home. This lasted about a month before the oil execs called in my supervisor, manager, and manager's manager and said something along the lines of "Put I_IdentifyAsAstartes on doing just meeting rooms and meetings". I got called into a meeting with my supervisor, most of my other work was taken away, I was given my own vehicle, and I was told to check all the meeting rooms every week (a 4 person job) and to take care of all of the exec meetings. I told my supervisor that it wasn't physically possible for me to be in 3 or 4 places at once to check all the meeting rooms, he didn't care, he didn't care how I did it, just get it done. So I got it done. Every time we checked a meeting room, we had to scan a QR code with a company phone that we would then export into Exel and submit as the rooms we checked. Every minute of every day I clicked the scan button and scanned nothing. At the end of the week I would export to Exel, then get the list of all the room codes, randomise them, paste them in, save, and submit. *Click* I'm in town checking a room. 1 minute later *Click* I'm 30 kilometers

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when he was rudely interupted by a pre-med student “Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?" The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

If you want more money, leave Being a bit vague on purpose. Retelling the story with permission in the first person. \*\*\* Edited with the corrected degree required, as many pointed out. Personally, I never graduated college, so I will mix up Bachelor's and Master's, as I have no personal frame of reference. A few years ago I started a new position. The manager encouraged me to get my licensure and they'd promote you to assistant manager, but had proven myself over the years and had earned the title assistant to the manager and had the office running smoothly. Here's the thing, licensure requires a bachelor's degree. So I went back to online community college to finish my associate's degree, then online college to obtain my bachelor's degree. I'll be graduating later this year, and will have all other prerequisites to take the state exam in December. Early spring, my manager started to show the seeds of doubt that assistant manager was not going to be available with the current ownership, as the new owners don't believe the company is big enough to require assistant managers. So, instead of the $20k+ raise with increase in title and responsibilities, I was told a $6k raise should occur, as generally the company pays more for employees in other departments that have completed higher education. Then it became without a title change, there can be no increase in pay. Then the fateful phrase "if you want more money, you'll have to leave." OK, boss. Aside from a general disdain for being lied to, I incurred some minor student loans to fund my bachelor's, and some additional money is needed in order to start paying it back after graduation. I gave my resume to a colleague in the field and asked them to keep me in mind if they hear of any openings, expecting to hear something late this year or early next. However, in early June, just a couple weeks after reaching out to my colleague, I'm getting interviews for a new job that I never applied to. A couple weeks after that have, I accepted a job offer that was more than the $6k raise. I actually got to see a "shocked Pikachu" face in person when I told the manager I was leaving. They never saw it coming. I was gracious with a longer than industry standard leave notice. Although the new job is a bit more of a commute, I am much happier in the new company. I've heard through the grapevine is my replacement is still struggling with even the basics of my old job.

My son, the bison, was leaving for college, so as he was walking out the door I shouted “I love you son, I’m very proud of all your accomplishments, and am so proud that you made it to college. I will always love and support you no matter what!”

4 college students are having a great time on spring break. So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back". The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point". So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera. When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam. When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

(NSFW) A 90-year old man walks into a church confessional... 'Father,' he says, 'I'm 90 years old...been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I fucked them both!' 'And are you remorseful?' asks the priest. 'Hell no.' 'So then what do you think of these sins?' the priest asks. 'What sins?' asks the man. After a slight pause the priest says, 'my son, what kind of Catholic are you?' 'I'm not, I'm an Atheist.' Confused, the priest finally asks, 'so why are you telling me this?' 'Are you kidding?' replies the man. 'I'm 90 years old and I fucked two young girls at once. I'm telling EVERYBODY!' Edit: proper paragraphing an such

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major... ...found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need tochill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him toa private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

You won't let me leave when I'm obviously sick? Let's see what YOUR boss has to say. Ya'll seemed to enjoy my last post about my old boss, Jack. I have a few more stories about him, and I was recently reminded of this one when my allergies began acting up. As a refresher, Jack was brought in to "Fix the restaurant", and loved exercising his power as GM. Classic power tripping boss who hates actually putting in the work. Anyway, a bit of context about me. At the time of this story, I was 17, working at this restaurant after school to save for college. I also get horrendous seasonal allergies, to the point I have three bottles of industrial-strength antihistamines placed strategically so I'm never far from my medicine. They tend to flare up without warning, so I can't just take one in the morning. Anyway, that's besides the point, since at the time of the story, I didn't take anything for my allergies. They were never severe enough to bother, and I was a broke high school student. This story would change that. Right, on to the story. I was working the drive-through one fine fall morning, right across from a palo verde tree. Anyone who has a palo verde tree near them, you know just how bad the pollen from those things gets in the fall. As you can imagine, after about an hour, my nose was already running something fierce. I saw where this was headed, and after blowing my nose, I went and found Jack to figure something out. Having a runny nose in food service is a bad idea, so surely, he'd be willing to work with me, right? Nope. I've once again overestimated Jack. I started by asking if I could simply move to another station to get away from the offending tree. "No, we've got a full staff today and I'm not willing to move you around." Alright, then can I leave for just long enough to run to a corner store and pick up some over-the-counter antihistamines? "No, it's company policy not to let employees leave and come back for the same shift." (This one was complete BS, by the way. People left all the time when they had a long break and wanted peace and quiet to eat.) By this point, I was getting confused. I was quite obviously suffering from a runny nose, even while talking to Jack, so I thought even he wouldn't be dumb enough to not throw me a bone. I asked if I could go home then, since I can't do anything else to alleviate my symptoms. Nope, I needed to stick around, dripping snot all over the counter while I talk to customers. Eventually, I realized he wasn't going to give. He wanted me to sit there and smile, in spite of my visible symptoms? Fine. Cue malicious compliance. Now, something I failed to mention earlier was that I was friendly with the franchise owner, Sam, who was the only person there who outranked Jack. I also knew that part of Sam's weekly routine was to stop by this restaurant to catch up on paperwork on that day of the week, during my shift. This was information Jack had as well, but I suppose he didn't consider that Sam could possibly disagree with his handling of the situation. So, I waited. I snagged a box of tissues from the staff bathroom, set myself up at my station, and worked as best I could. I made my way through that box, then a second, and half of a third before Sam got there about an hour before my shift was scheduled to end. (The tissues were provided by one of the shift leads, who I paid back. I felt bad using so many, since Jack didn't pay for them.) My throat was sore from the mucus running down it, and my voice was hoarse from pushing through it. I'm sure the customers must've thought I was coming down with the plague or something. Finally, Sam arrives. I wait patiently for him to make his rounds, checking in on all the staff, seeing how we're doing and making small talk with the ones who weren't busy. Finally, he walks over to the drive-through, and immediately notices my condition. "OP, are you feeling okay? You don't look well," he says. I responded, "I'm hanging in there. My allergies are acting up, no big deal." Sam frowns. "You sure? This looks like more than allergies." "Oh, definitely. It's that palo verde tree causing it. I get like this every year." He looks confused now. "Why didn't you move to a different station, or take something for it? You can't work with food like this!" Gotcha. "I asked Jack, he said I couldn't do either, and refused to send me home. I've just been trying to tough it out." Boom. Sam's face contorted for a moment, before straightening out into a look of grim determination. "Come with me," he says, "I'll grab someone to cover your station while we go talk to Jack." Sam has me hand my headset to one of the aforementioned non-busy coworkers (guess it wasn't that hard after all), then leads me to the back office where Jack is doing whatever it is he does. Jack greets Sam, then notices me standing there and frowns. "OP, what are you doing back here? You need to stay at our station," Jack admonises. Before I can respond, Sam cu

A guy walks into a bar... .and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good looking'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I am forever in your debt.

Thank you student loans for getting me through college. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.

Malicious compliance in history lecture I saw the recent post about someones bullying teacher so after responding to that I decided to type up a bit of a more detailed version for the entire sub So to start out with I'm going to tell you a little about my disabilities. I have Tourette syndrome and ADHD, it makes learning a bit hard, but I was homeschooled by a professional teacher growing up so I got the accommodations I needed no issue. One thing I struggle with is writing by hand. I do not know why but it literally hurts. My mom used to say that the pencil was my biggest enemy in learning. My hand will cramp up hardcore if I start writing and I end up with larger and larger writing as I go. As far as I know I'm holding the pencil correctly, so I really don't know why. I also have a tendency of concentrating so hard on the act of writing I miss literally everything that wasn't on the projector, in fact I might miss entire slides as well because of my slow painful writing. So because of these reasons taking notes is a bit of a challenge, that's what accommodations are for though right? So my learning accommodations for college were time and a half private testing (They actually always gave me double time God bless them), the ability to record lectures, and a notetaker. So in college I never had any issues, I was able to concentrate on the lesson because I'm more of a visual learner but also I got notes to study. It was great... until I hit american history. The teacher was this smug Gods gift to teaching type of guy, to be fair he was born for it, he had the exact same name as a certain confederate general, and he was an amazing lecturer. He assigned me his TA as a notetaker and would take the notes and copy them for me after class. After a couple weeks though he noticed I wasn't attempting to take notes he got upset. He claimed that the only possible way to learn was to take down notes, and if I didn't he'd refuse me any future notes. I was gobsmacked... I tried to explain that my learning style was different and that I needed to listen to him and pay attention to the board because otherwise I could miss a slide, or things that weren't on the board. I was an A student on the deans list every semester so that should have been enough, but nope, it wasn't. So I told him id make a compromise, I never needed to record any other classes, but I'd bring in a tape recorder, he was happy with that and continued to give me the notes. this is where the malicious compliance starts. I did bring in that tape recorder, but I never once listened to it. I'd let it run, and the tape would fill up in about three quarters of a class and I wouldn't turn it over. the following week I'd turn the microcassette over and record three quarters of the next lecture. Then I'd take the tape flip it over and record over week ones partial lecture. It was enough to get him off my back. I really should have reported him, refusing to give me notes could have gotten him in serious trouble, due to violating my ADA rights, but I was a stupid kid. I told my disabilities councilor, but never escalated it because I came up with my simple malicious compliance. I ended up overall enjoying the class, like I said, he was a great lecturer, just a shitty person for being ableist

First day of school On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

What was Spider Man's major in college? Web Design.

Help the customer? Absolutely! Someone's spouse has cancer. This person has taken all the right steps. They've contacted all the right doctors. Set up all the right appointments. All their finances are squared away. They even have health insurance for times like this. There's just one problem: their spouse's date of birth is incorrect on their health insurance policy. This is causing issues with doctor visits and making it difficult to obtain life-saving medication. They're crying themselves to sleep at night. They don't know if their lifelong partner is going to be alive next month. They're just hoping that someone, somewhere can help provide the necessary treatment. They're asking for a miracle. However, as their insurance carrier, we're not allowed to make any changes to their policy. Why not? First, some background. I've been working in the soul-crushing industry of health insurance for a few years. It's as terrible as everyone makes it out to be. Everything is very compartmentalized. No one wants to take ownership and actually help people. One big problem is that our department only has employer-sponsored insurance. This means that your employer allows you to choose from different carriers such as Aetna, Blue Cross, or Cigna. After reviewing your options, you tell them, "I want Aetna." Now, your employer deducts money from your paycheck and automatically manages your Aetna account for you. "Perfect!" you might think. "That stuff is too complicated anyway. I'm better off letting the professionals handle the paperwork for me." Indeed, it certainly feels like a load off. But there's also an issue with that: a lot of people don't care about you. And they don't care if you've been in agonizing pain for months or even years. They just know, when it's their turn to take your call, there's another department they'll transfer you to, because they don't want to speak with you anymore. They don't want to hear you cry or see that their complacency is causing people so much pain. There's also another issue. If an employer has full permission to change your policy, then that limits my ability to make any changes for you. Imagine calling up your insurance and us saying, "I know that you have coverage with us, but I can't switch you to a family plan. You have to call your HR for that." I'm sure it sounds even dumber to the customer than it does to me. *Can the employer and the insurance not simply talk to each other?* Or better yet, maybe you've left your job for a new one. Maybe you've just enrolled into college. You need a letter showing that your old insurance is no longer active. You can't even get new insurance until you have that letter. "Sorry, but our records show you're still active. We can't send a termination letter until the employer tells us." Pure insanity. Here's where it gets even crazier. There's one employer we deal with who has taken full control of member enrollment. We're not allowed to touch anything. Change of address? Sorry, call HR. In the meantime, we'll keep sending your protected health information to your old address. Spouse's date of birth is wrong? And you can't pick up medicine at the pharmacy? Tough luck, that one can take months to sort out. We can't change the information even if we want to. It completely locks us out of the database. The most difficult part is that this employer is notorious for delaying service, having extremely long hold times, and stonewalling its employees. "Nothing we can do," they'll say. "You have to call your health insurance, because everything looks good on our end." This is a bald-faced a lie, or just sheer incompetence on their end, because the employer has to send us the right information, but instead, they're bouncing the member around just to avoid a few extra minutes of paperwork. Things got so bad, and members were getting so mistreated, we were instructed to start escalating our calls so that members wouldn't have to be the middlemen between our enrollment department and their employer. But like I said, things are very compartmentalized, even on my end. People don't want to take accountability. My higher-ups started saying, "Stop sending cases for us to work. You, the lowly service agent, must first contact the employer before we do." Cue malicious compliance You want me to spend an hour listening to hold music instead of getting cussed out by people? Say no more my friend. Customers were ecstatic when I told them that I would be happy to call their employer for them. "It's a bit of a hold time, but you don't have to worry about that. I'll call them, and I'll give them all the instructions they need to get this corrected. You don't have to worry about anything. We'll have everything sorted out by next week." Some customers would still voice their concerns. "It's impossible to get an agent from my employer on the line. Their system tells you to call back later. I've been trying all afternoon!" That's right. It would take hour

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

There's this hot girl in my college writing class. Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

An old Sergeant Major A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers... But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying

An Arab student e-mails his dad Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train. Your son, Nasser. The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad: My dear loving son, Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your Dad

Johnny finally makes it to college... On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is. First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!" The professor says "Good Kyle! I like the way you think. Next she calls on Suzie who says "I feel something flat and coarse. It's paper!" The professor says "Good Suzie! I like the way you think." Finally she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket with a creepy smile and says "Teacher, I feel something round, hard, and it has a head on it. The professor interrupts him shouting "Johnny, That's disgusting!" He replies, "No teacher it's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars.. He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am going to buy all of my children their own homes. Next, I am going to buy myself a nice car. Then I am going to set-up college funds for my grandchildren. After all the I am going to build a huge statue of Hitler in my front yard." The reporters all get quiet until someone finally says "Sir, you just said you wanted to build a tribute to Hitler, why on earth after all he had done to our people would you do this?" Ira pauses, looks him in the eye, rolls up his sleeve and says "Simple, he gave me the numbers."

No sex since 1955. A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey... For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

The Marine and the Liberal Arts Major A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you got any?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no nookie since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

A 13 year old boy tells his mom he had sex with his teacher The boy's father comes home to find his wife standing at the door waiting for him and he knows something's wrong. His wife says, "Timmy said he had sex with his teacher." The dad goes up to Timmy's room to find him laying on his stomach looking sad. He asks, "is this true, Timmy? Did you really have sex with your teacher?" Timmy nods yes. The dad screams, "I can't believe it! I'm so proud of you! I didn't have sex until I was in college! You know what, I was waiting until your birthday to get you a new bike but I'm taking you today." They drive to the bike store and the dad is bragging to everyone there that his son had sex. He comes home the next day to see the bike in the garage, stickers and tags still on it. He goes up to Timmy's room and asks, "how come you didn't ride the new bike? I thought you wanted one." Timmy says, "I do, dad. It's just ... my butt still hurts."

What is College Feminism? What is college feminism? 10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers

Not since 1955 A crusty old Regimental Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

An old guy walks into a church... "- Father, I'm 92 years old, am married to a 70 year old wife and have 3 children, 7 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I gave a ride to 2 young college girls; they were beautiful, nice, modern, you know? After a little chit chat we stop by a motel. I had sex with each one of them 3 times." The priest remains silent for a few moments, but seeing that the old guy doesn't have anything else to say, he asks: "- Are you regretful of your sins?" "- What sins?" "- What kind of catholic are you?!" "- Catholic? Me? I'm an atheist." "- Then why come here and tell me that story?" "- I'm telling everybody."

A college teacher noticed that his exchange student, Dave, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention. So, one day he asked Dave about his secret. Dave replied: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer". Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower: "Is that you, Dave?".

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son... They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men… One for January, one for February, one For March......."

Nescafe and the Pope Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." "Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million." "My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'" "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

An old Arab lived close to New York City... An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

A Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for speeding, and asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.' 'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.' 'Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

Two college students have their most important final exam next week... But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach class in time. So he agreed. The two students, dedicated to getting a good score on their exam after a week of partying, spend the entire day cramming down every last possible detail of their class. When they come in the next day, the professor tells them that they'll need to take the exam in separate classrooms. Perplexed by this, the students nevertheless agree and sit down, each in their own classroom. "For 5 points, describe the structure of the atom and all its properties." was the first question. The students, after seeing this, regain their confidence and think that this exam will be a piece of cake. After they write out all they know about the atom, they turn the page. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

College ON the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

A boy is in a CVS with his dad... A boy is in a CVS with his dad. While in line at the pharmacy, the boy notices something in a box that resembles balloons. Curious, the boy asks his dad about these balloons in the box. "Well, those are condoms, son," the boy's dad replies. "What are condoms used for, dad?" replied the little boy. "They are used so men can practice safe sex," said the father. The boy asks his dad who would use the box of three. The boy's dad replies, "Those are for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The boy then spots a box of six and asks his dad about those. "Those are for college kids son. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday." The boy then asks, "Well what about the box of twelve?" To which the boy's dad replied, "Those are for married men like myself, son. One for January, one for February, one for March....."

Dorm Rules On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?". To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"

I studied dad jokes in college I majored in sighcology

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

50th anniversary A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is. Didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other deeply, but we never found the time to actually get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad... "and cheap ones too!"

A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says My dear now that you are 60 years old there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me. He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: You my dear are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor I m sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So don't you wait up for me.

Another one from my college professor... In a small park, there is a fountain with two nude statues. A man and woman One day, an angel comes down and says to the statues: "For your many years of long-standing beauty and service to society, I will bring you to life for 30 minutes." The statues hear this and spring to life The man and woman gaze at each other for a moment, and then dart towards a nearby shrubbery There is a lot thrashing and laughing 15 minutes later they come out of the shubbery, tickled pink, satisfied, and giggling "You have another 15 minutes. If you wish to do it again, you may do so." says the angel The man looks at the woman and asks: "Again?" *"Oh* ***heck yeah***" exclaims the woman "This time let's change positions. I'll hold it down while you shit on the pigeon."

So a college teacher is talking to his male students... "Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars." Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks: "How much for a semester pass?"

A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of sex?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says "In that case you can write with your other hand."

Why were they sad when the Dean of the Clown College retired? He left Big Shoes to fill.