100+ Christmas Jokes

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas

Christmas joke (NSFW) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did. Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” Edit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike. The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?" “Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly. With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket. Before the cop rides off she says "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Playing along the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did.” “Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

Supervisor told me sarcastically to call the Fire Department. I did. Worked in retail in between jobs way back when, early '90's. Yea, I'm old, get off my lawn. It was December, major Department Store that is no longer around, I know that doesn't narrow it down, sorry. Anyways, they tried to cram as much product on the floor as possible, to the point that you couldn't walk through the aisles and had to twist and turn to get past the fixtures set up with product. I casually mentioned to a supervisor that if the Fire Department ever came in they would close us down for the hazards and lack of egress. She was highly stressed and blurted out to me "You know what? Then call the Fire Department!" I held my hands up and said "Easy". She assigned me my duties and that was that. Well ... she DID tell me to call. On the way home I stopped by a government building that had all sorts of agencies in it. Told the receptionist my plight and she pointed to a phone on the wall. Tell the operator I want the FD and they would patch me through to the stations non emergency line. The Fire Chief himself answered. I told him how crowded it was and what the supervisor said. He had a good laugh and said they'd "check it out". I was off the next day but heard about it when I got back. Fire chief and a station house full of firefighters show up to do an inspection. He tells the store manager that egress is being blocked and he'd have to remove a lot of the fixtures in the aisles. Store manager says he has orders from corporate, fixtures stay. Fire Chief assures him he will win the argument. Store manager stands his ground. Fire Chief "Alright boys, close them down!" They evacuated the store (all 3 levels) and closed all entrances ... in December ... prime Christmas shopping season. Although it wasn't a weekend day it was during the week, but still. Store manager tried to protest and suddenly the Sheriff's Department starts showing up. Long story short, they were closed for 5 1/2 hours while the Chief, Store Manager, and employees rearranged the store to acceptable levels. The supervisor never treated me differently so I'm guessing she didn't remember the conversation. The Store Manager, surprisingly, did NOT get fired by corporate but corporate was not happy. About a week later I'm working with the store manager and supervisor when she asks why we can't do something a certain way? The Store Manager replied "The Fire Department won't allow that." and that was it. I worked there a few more weeks before getting a job that almost got me killed in a workplace shooting. But that's a story for later. EDIT 1: There are some videos on YouTube about postal shootings, one done by a woman which is insane. Even the comments. The one I was in the person was acting out for well over a year (Skeptic magazine had a great issue about mass shootings, I think from 2013. One study they talked about was how the mass shooters never snap but act out for usually a year or longer before committing the act. Interesting stuff). Myself as well as other employees expressed concern to management about the behavior and potential for violence but they said that employee was "harmless". Didn't surprise a lot of us who it was when it happened. I could go on, but honestly, most of you would think I'm lying, but I could corroborate every story. And the funny part is, other postal workers would snicker and say "That's nothing, let me tell you what happens at our facility". It IS the most violent workplace in America, and also the most deadly.

@bennettbrowntm The Donald has had a really naughty year, but not because he wanted to. He's doing it for the long con. Come Christmas, he'll hang a 1--R01L stocking the length of Trump Tower, and Santa Claus will have no choice but to give Clean Coal it's biggest stimulus in modern history.

I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. It’s my jingle bell rock.

Told me I couldn't get time off to go home for holidays, fine I quit. Several years in a row till they couldn't be bothered with the paperwork. Was reminded from a recent post. I worked part time throughout my studies (UK) on a zero hour contract at a club/pub/events venue. This was over a decade ago. They didn't let folk have both Christmas and new year's off, you had to work one of em. I joined and was made supervisor shortly after cause I had common sense and figures stuff out quickly. I went home for the holidays and when that time came the first year I just said I'd quit. And did, there was no issue with finding another almost minimum wage part time job. Reapplied in January as they were looking for staff. Rehired. Next holidays come around and I tell them the same thing. Same thing all over again. Next year, they just tell me please don't leave, just take whatever days off and we'll see you again next year. I'm also great friends to this day with my favourite GM from those days, though I went and got a job in my field.

Christmas Joke... Three men died.... Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's' And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better. Edit: Thank you for the gold.. One day I may do the analysis on how many commented on the joke, the superfluous use of nationalities, or scoring the joke with rice... Gotta look that one up.

Donald Trump Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.   Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended: Stop being offended by jokes on the internet ;) MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!   Edit: Spelling

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present. So far she's getting a McChicken.

My lesbian friend got me a Rolex for christmas I don’t want to sound ungrateful but it’s not what I meant when I said I wanna watch

Making them cold just seemed like the right thing to do. I used to work in a retirement village with a communal restaurant/dinning room. There was this awful family who despite being only a 15 minute drive away from the village would almost never visit their mother, we can call the mother Sam. Sam was kind. Sam's family were constantly neglecting to provide items such as clothing and most of Sams valuables had in my opinion been stolen by them. As they were the power of attorney for financial, personal and health matters nothing legally could be done apparently... Fast forward to a hot Australian Christmas day. The village is hosting a Christmas lunch for the old people who didn't manage to go out for the day. Family's were welcome but you had to book ahead. The invitation clearly said to "bring a jumper" as the AC was very cold to cater for the constant opening of the dinning room doors with guests coming and going. Naturally Sam's family failed to book a seat and had to be accommodated last minute. Naturally they were the only ones without a jumper. I got the privilege of finding them a place to sit so I dressed Sam in an extra warm nice outfit and set up the table under the big main AC vent. 10 minutes later Sam's annoyed son and daughter in law approached me and asked "can you please turn down the air conditioning it is too cold." "Yep no problem I can do that" I said. And I did. I turned that AC down and extra 4 degrees (I think to 16 degrees Celsius if memory serves). Sam's family left earlier than any other family and Sam was able to spend the rest of Christmas with people who spoke to her like she was a human being. Edit: Jumper = sweater or jersey. We also used jumper cables to warm up the old people until the age care commission decided it was a crime 😉

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!! Just kidding I don't know he hasn't opened it yet

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas? Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

Jesus loves you. A nice thing to hear at Christmas. A terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common? They don't hang themselves.

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve... A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. "I think it's raining," says the man. "No, it's snowing," replies the woman. "How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing? "Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." EDIT: Wow thank you everyone! My first post that got more THEN 1 UPVOTE! :D

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll. My lame joke: >"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys." Wife looks down at her chest: >"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?" Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red. Edit: Woah this blew up. I am coming to the realization that the wife is funnier than I. No, on second thought, not possible. Also, thanks for the gold whoever you are! Now to google what to do with reddit gold.

I always carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who starts singing Christmas songs in the off season. It’s my jingle bell rock.

Are you putting your Christmas tree up yourself? No, in my living room.

After every shift, the supervisors hanged the slowest worker at the front of the factory to send out a clear message. If the toys weren’t finished by Christmas Eve, every elf would face the same fate.

Not allowed to take vacation days from overtime all at once or on fridays? Got you! So a few years back when I was working for my previous company as a commissioning engineer (about 60% of the year of field service, 40% office), I had accrued about 10 days of not yet planned overtime by beginnig of october. We were allowed to use that overtime as vacation days, which made sense for me because I'd have pay a hefty amount of taxes on that money otherwise, and i didn't particularly need that money. So at some point my then boss calls me to his office to tell me I should plan when I'd take those days, with the requirement to not take them all at once and not on fridays for the rest of the year. Since I had already planned 3 weeks of vacation from vacation days during christmas, he probably had some things in mind. His intention about the "not everything at once"-part probably was to not have me missing for 5 weeks at once. The intention about the "not on fridays"-part probably was to not have me going home from any possible field trips every tuesday evening. So I sat at my desk and started thinking about if I should use those days in a way of 2 times a full week of vacation or some extended weekends beginnig after wednesdays. Looking through my calendar which wednesdays I would be best to use, I had a brilliant idea. Wednesdays. 10 weeks in a row. Adding to that 3 weeks during christmas. So starting the next week, I didn't go on any field trips for 3 months. Safe to say, my boss wasn't particularly happy, but did not say a word since his requirements were fully met.

My wife just phoned me, and the conversation went like this: Her: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas…?” Me: “Yeah.” Her: “Wind it forward one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.” Me: “Right, I’ve done that.” Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion…?” Me: “I can see that, yeah.” Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other…?” Me: “Okay, I see them.” Her: “Well, behind those two, on the left-hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator holding a spear…?” Me: “Yes…! I can see him.” Her: “Right…! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday.”

I told my dyslexic son to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas and he asked for a sibling As a single father, you can imagine my confusion when I felt something moving in my stomach

When Mommy found out Daddy cheated on her, she shot him in the head. I only put that bra in Daddy's drawer to get two Christmases, but with Mommy in jail now I don't think I'm getting any.

I dressed my little cousin in several warm layers until he was suitably covered, small face excitedly beaming out his little hood as we left for the mall. As he sat beneath the Christmas tree sipping his cocoa, the crowds hurrying by, I felt the slightest pang of guilt as I pressed the detonator.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve They feel a slight precipitation. "I think it’s raining," says the man. "No, it’s snowing," replies the woman. "How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" "Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Just in case you thought it was a one-time-thing... Never, ever stop being petty. Never EVER let something go, or let it die, or let people say you are doing it for attention or karma; pettiness does NOT have an expiration date, and as long as you keep pettiness in your heart all year round, it will never leave you. A while back I posted a story about a Wrench, and my father, and how he teased me about losing it. Here's the original link if your into backstory and lore: [The Original Story](https://old.reddit.com/r/MaliciousCompliance/comments/vg23jd/fathers_day_compliance/) Today, is Dad's birthday, and while he only asked for gift cards, from me, he will always get one, extra, tiny little gift. A Craftsman, 7/16, ratchet end wrench. Why? Because it will never NOT be funny. But at this point, I feel that I am a large shareholder in Craftsman Tools. [This year's present:](https://imgur.com/a/oun9ADw) **TL:DR** - My father, many, many years ago jokingly accused me of losing a wrench. Sick of the teasing, I warned him he'd get that wrench every Father's Day, Birthday, and Christmas for the rest of his fucking life. I keep my promises.

Only Phone Calls Matter. You Get What You Asked For! :) My mother is toxic and likes to have unspoken rules for me that I never know exist until I break them. However, I have one time in my life where I broke one but decided she was going to eat her own words because I had enough. A few years ago, her birthday in May landed on a weekday with Mother's Day that weekend. I was busy at work that week and was already working weekends and overtime. But I always made sure to remember her birthday and Mother’s Day. I bought her presents, sent her a birthday card and Mother’s Day card, texted her a happy birthday and Mother’s Day and even gave a very well thought out post on her FB. It’s all I had time for. However, I never heard a word from her. She didn't call me, nor did I get a text if she even received the present that I sent her. No thank you’ s, nothing. I was too busy to even ask about it and with her typical behavior of ignoring me I just didn't press her about it. In December a special event came up in my life which I told her about several times. My sister had similar events, and my mother always remembered hers. So, when it came and went with her saying nothing, I brought it up over text. I was told that she "didn't realize it was important to me". I was upset and admittedly angry over once again being ignored and forgotten about. Cue her usual deflection in which she then turned the entire argument around on me and that's when I found out she did receive my present - 7 months later! She then told me, and I quote, "You didn't think it hurt my feelings when you didn't bother to call me on my birthday or Mother’s Day? Sorry but Facebook cards just don't get it and neither does texting;". Fine. Cue my malicious compliance. For the next year she never got a text, a FB post, birthday present, Mother’s Day present, Christmas present etc. But she got her phone call on her birthday and holidays. Phones calls are the ONLY thing she received because as she said, other forms of communication and thoughtful gestures didn’t cut it. After a year of this, my mother sends in her reliable flying monkey. My sister calls me to tell me that, "Mom doesn't think you love her because you don't send her presents anymore." I'd like to say I stood my ground but at the time I was still a doormat, so the malicious compliance ended. I'm no contact with my family now but to this day...it makes me proud that for once I used her words against her and set a boundary. She never said that to me again, so it was worth it! :)

A Little Christmas Joke This guy Joe arrives to pick up his fiancée for a date in a new Porsche. His fiancée is confused because Joe isn’t exactly a wealthy guy. She says, “Where did you get this Porsche?“ Joe says, “It was in my garage.“ She says, “What was it doing in your garage?“ Joe says, “Well, I guess God put it there.” She says, “That’s ridiculous!” Joe says, “Well, yes, it is ridiculous, isn’t it, Mary?”

Keep winning—let payroll take care of itself This happened almost 20 years ago. In the country I'm from, almost every worker: blue collar, white collar, manager, director, C-level, whatnot, gets 5 weeks of fully paid holiday each year. Typically split in two or more parts; predominantly 4 weeks of summer holiday and one week in winter a.k.a skiing holiday. In addition to that, we get a special "vacation pay" which is 50% of the salary paid during holiday. That is, for five weeks of paid holiday you get 2.5 week's worth additional money to spend on your holiday activities. Or booze. Or stock market. It's your money in a free country. As for me and my missus, we were moderately well-paid double-income-no-kids couple and didn't really need all that money. Instead, we opted to exchange this extra money to equal amount of additional leave and take long trips to other continents especially in winter when it's very dull and slushy in our neck of woods. That totals 7.5 weeks of paid leave and if timed wisely adjacent to or around bank holidays, such as Christmas and Easter, you can easily have full eight weeks. I worked for a company about ten years and eventually was hired to another. Negotiations with the new employer took a while and while waiting to sign my new contract I tried to quietly tie all loose ends in the old place to ensure a hassle free departure. One day I checked if I have any unused leave. It's not a biggie, it happens often but the company pays all unused days at 1:1 ratio when you leave. Some companies don't pay this extra vacation pay or compensate converted time off days, though. But this company did. So, I checked the system and found out I had ten weeks of unused, converted vacation pay leave in the system. I was like 'wtf?'. This is definitely not right, considering all the long-haul trips we had enjoyed during our extended three week winter holidays. Taking money for this would be unethical and someone would definitely find out and the company would send a bill afterward. Or even worse, sue. So, I picked up a phone and called payroll. I asked if they are sure I had really forgotten to spend so many of my holiday weeks I had worked so hard for. \- "Sigh. Well, you know what", the payroll lady said. "During your employment we've had two if not three payroll IT migrations from old system to an entirely different kind of new system. I can see on my screen exactly what you see and there are zero additional details. No dates, not anything. Just number of weeks. There may be some history data in the archives of the old systems but going through that clutter would be an enormous and time consuming task. And did I already mention that our insufficient resources are already exhausted because we have to cope with the problems caused by the latest data migration? Are your really, really sure you want us to do this for you?" \- "Oh no, dear no", I said. "I know when I'm defeated and this is not a battle I choose. I wish you strength, goodbye." So, when I finally resigned and left the company, I was paid for those 10 weeks and was never questioned.

Who says men don't remember? A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dark jokes 1. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is 2. What's the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message 3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson's funeral? Nothing 4. What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society 5. What's the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians 6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet. 7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead 8. What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face. 9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer 10. Who's the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin 11. What's the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race 12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt 13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero 14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight 15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter 16. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion 17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early) The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?" The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

Holly Jolly Malicious Compliance Perhaps eight years ago, we went to NYC to watch the lighting of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. We were all being corralled along the sidewalk and the only way you could see what was happening was on these big screens. I tried to walk into one particular corral and was told I couldn’t bring my backpack with me. There were tons of people there carrying shopping bags, so I asked if I could just carry it by my side in the same way. Nope. Cue malicious compliance idea. There was a store right next to the coral that sounds like “Santana Free Public,” so I popped in and found a nice, but generic sweater I knew I would be able to use someday. I asked for the biggest bag possible, for what was a relatively small piece of clothing. Once outside, I slipped the sweater into my backpack and my backpack into the shopping bag and moseyed on into the coral. The view sucked, but the look on the corral monitor’s face was golden.

Christmas drinkers Please be careful everyone, I went out for a few drinks after work and got carried away so I left the car at the bar and took a taxi home. Sure enough just up the road the police were pulling over cars and breathalyzing the drivers. They just waved me past being in a taxi which is strange because I've never driven one before and haven't a clue where I got it from

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?

While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves. I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”

Christmas Gift

It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!

Who Am I? One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

An extra hour "off". Sure, thanks! I've always been a malicious compliance kind of guy. I also follow the rules to the letter... but I tend to make them work in my favor. My workplace has traditionally done early dismissal on the day before a holiday. Over 20 years ago, HR discovered that people were taking advantage... coming in earlier and leaving earlier, coming in later and working less time, etc. So the HR director at the time put out a memo via email that the schedule for the "half day" before a holiday would be a regular schedule. You were to come in at your normal start time take your normal breaks, etc. Most of the staff worked 8-4 and dismissal was at 1. There is also a rule that employees must be provided a lunch break after 6 hours of work. I read the memo about the "regular schedule" and thought it was silly for me to come in at 8, take an (unrequired) lunch break at 12 (my regular schedule) and leave at 1. I would just work the 5 hours and jet. On the morning of the early dismissal, me and some others were discussing how it didn't make sense. I returned to my desk and hit "Reply All" to the email the HR Director sent out, asking if it didn't just make sense to skip lunch and work a straight 5. She and I had a history. I wasn't the best employee at the time, and I ALWAYS cited chapter and verse when they bent or broke a rule. Well, even though I was trying to be helpful and my idea would have actually worked out in the workplace's favor, I guess all she saw was my name and a question. She replied to "All" and in ALL CAPS "THERE IS NO DISCUSSION! IT IS A REGULAR WORK DAY. YOU START AT YOUR REGULAR TIME, TAKE BREAKS AT YOUR REGULAR TIME, AND LEAVE AT 1PM!!" This actually resulted in more lost time that the start-time shenanigans they were trying to eliminate. Now EVERYONE got an extra paid hour off, with the slight inconvenience of having to return to punch out. We're 10 minutes from a large shopping area, so that hour is a trip to the supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving, or stocking stuffers on Christmas Eve. For 20 years, this policy was carried forward. On early dismissal days, we would come in at 8, take break from 9-9:15, then leave for lunch at 12 only to return at 1 to punch out. It was changed a few years ago to a policy where you only had to work 5 hours to accomodate the people who regularly come in earlier than 8, but we are still directed to take all breaks on a regular schedule.

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . . "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest) A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark Christmas movies.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Little Johnny replies, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that"s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring Little Johnny, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."Little Johnny continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Divorce An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

I got my parents a new fridge for Christmas, I can't wait to see their faces light up when they open it!

Warm Milk In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: " "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…

The Three Types of Breasts as told from father to son A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

Why do IT people have trouble telling Christmas from Halloween? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31.

Kids these days On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

Boobs vs willies A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Reddit, I need your darkest Christmas jokes to put in my Christmas cards!

If you want an unbeatable christmas present for your friend, get them a broken drum.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best… Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~*-leaves-*

What did the testicle say to the other testicle? "Between you and me, I think something's up." I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!

World Peace My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. "World peace" I said. "Something more realistic!" she laughed "Ok how about a blowjob once a week?" She reached for the phone. "Who are you calling?" I asked. "The United Nations" she replied.

It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates.. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

Onions and Christmas Trees A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christmas tree?" "Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked ”Are you going to put that up yourself?” No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.

An orphan had a rough year... He had been adopted three times. The first family had a dog that the boy loved, but the father beat the dog daily. The boy reported the family, and he returned to the foster home. The second family had a loving mother that took care of the boy, but the father beat his wife daily. The boy reported the father, and the mother was forced to return the boy to the foster home. The third family seemed very nice at first, but when the father got drunk, he beat the boy. Yet again, the boy reported the father, and returned to the foster home. At this point, the boy was feeling like he would never find a home he could stay in. But a local judge, hearing his story, wanted to give the boy a Christmas present. He visited the boy, and asked what he wanted for Christmas. The boy said, "I want to be adopted by the Houston Texans." Confused, the judge asks the boy why he would want to be adopted by a sports team. The boy smiles and yells, "Cause they don't beat anybody." [Insert the listener's favorite sports team for bonus laughs]

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?

An elderly man in Texas calls his son in New York... and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she said as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and then turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo. That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

Don't retire in Alaska. Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.  Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.  He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.  He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come.  About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops.  "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin." "Not a problem" says Tom.  "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.  "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.  I'll be there, thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.  "I've been all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter ... just gonna be the two of us."

A family is at the dinner table The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” -

A rich guy and a poor guy are talking about what they got their wives for christmas... the rich guy said, "I got my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring, so if she doesn't like the fur at least she'll have the ring." The poor guy said, "I got my wife a bathrobe and a dildo. If she doesn't like the robe, she can go fuck herself!"

Divorce An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Who knows where Jesus is? A Sunday school teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up , etc...so he asked his class, " Where is Jesus today." Steven raised his hand and said " He's in heaven. " Mary was called on and answered, " He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, I know, I know,! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at his teacher for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for words. He finally gathered his wits and asked little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, " Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells " Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

NSFW A boy is playing with his train set... A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.

What does Jeffrey Epstein serve for a Christmas dinner? Holy infant, so tender and mild.

I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas. He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid... I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t stand Christmas, too many presents. Thanksgiving is no better, he’s allergic to turkey. Halloween too many people dress up like him. Valentine’s day too much pressure. But today he gets his chocolate egg and he’s happy Have to love Easter, baby

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas? A Wii fit

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers. One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list. He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!" Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door. Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!" It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food." His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it." About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

It was Christmas eve and Mrs Claus says to Santa "are you going out on your sleigh tonight?" Santa replies... "Not tonight it's forecast for rain dear."

A Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

Religion and squirrels There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

All Aboard!! A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son. He was playing with his new electric train, in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

Ooopsss! A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A woman goes to get a tattoo The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey. Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Married woman and viagra pills.. A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working. So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food. Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" "No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?" "That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "