100+ Blonde Jokes

Handjobs [nsfw] A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched. So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette... ...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane.. A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?” Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Blonde guy gets home from work... Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting. "Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!" He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him: "Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!" He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked. "WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?" She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

A blonde was desperate for money... so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs. At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?' 'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.' 'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.' The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife. 'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said. About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported. The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?' 'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!' The man reached into his wallet to pay her. 'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'

So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?" He said "Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure... ... And Brian's got a cock"

THE WINE TASTER At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

Blonde Joke An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

A guy walks into a pub... ...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar.... An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler "Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Three blondes are walking through a forest ...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks." The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves." The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Blonde: "I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina... ....allow me demenstruate."

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence *edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and* poof *it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation*

Is it because I'm blonde? A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!"

Blonde is pulled over by a blonde cop.. A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too.' Edit: heres the comic that I have never seen until it was posted in the comments :-) http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/auto-blondes-officer-driver-200267.jpeg

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Blondes on "who wants to be a millionaire" A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." Barbara: "I think I know it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." *Ringing* Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well so far on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Millionaire. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the the one Million dollar question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." *clock ticking* Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gee, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. *Crowd cheers* Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real good gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." "clapping" That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, how in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Two blondes are in heaven. One blonde says to the other, "how did you die"? "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if only you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Blonde boards a airplane A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes. "All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

So a blind man walks into a bar.. The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?" In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

A woman says to her blonde friend... "I have a riddle for you. How many pancakes could you eat on an empty stomach?" The blonde ponders for a moment. "I'd say maybe four." "No, you could only eat one, because after that your stomach would no longer be empty!" "Ha, clever!" says the blonde. That evening she's chatting with her husband. "Hey, I heard a good riddle today. How many pancakes could you eat on an empty stomach?" "Hmm, I could probably eat five." "Oh rats!" says the blonde. "If you'd said four, I had a really funny answer!"

An Australian walks into a US bar... ...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!" "Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!" He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin. "Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks. A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."

I found a blonde hair in our shower and being a brunette I didn’t hesitate to kick my cheating boyfriend out for good. A decision I came to regret as when the golden haired attic squatter showed up in my bed late one night there was no one to protect me.

A translated Norwegian joke Two guys meets in the middle of nowhere, trying to find their wives. They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives. The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, well fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, thight bouncy ass, a massive lust for sex and a face of a model. How about yours"? The second man replies: "She can go F**k herself, lets search for yours instead!"

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A blonde is waiting table for a couple of guys, and one of them is telling a load of really obnoxious blonde jokes. When he goes out to the men's room, the other diner beckons her over and says, "You know, I think Jack could stand to learn that blondes are smarter than he thinks. When he comes back, I'm going to write something on a napkin and ask you a question. Just remember to say 'one-third x cubed', okay?" She mutters "one-third x cubed" a few times and then goes away. When Jack comes back, his friend calls her over, writes something on a napkin and says "Say, could you tell Jack what the answer to this is?" The blonde looks at the napkin and reads out "...kind of a long S, x with a little two next to it, dx... Oh yeah, I know that one. It's 'one-third x cubed' ". And as she turns to go, she looks back and adds "plus a constant of integration".

A blonde girl... ...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown. Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says: "if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?" "fair deal" the shepherd says and the blonde guesses "457". The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says "a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it". After the girl has picked her favourite of the pack, the shepherd says: "if i can guess, which colour your hair had before you dyed it brown, can i get my dog back?"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome. Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway. The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall. "Quick! Hide!" The brunette says, and the three women each crawl into a bag. A police man comes down the alleyway, looking around for any signs of the women. The potato sacks stick out to him-so he gives the one with the redhead a kick. "Meow!" goes the redhead, doing her best imitation of a cat. "Just an alley cat..." The police officer mumbles, moving onto the next bag and delivering a quick nudge with his foot. "Woof!" Goes the brunette, imitating a dog. "Just a stray..." The officer mumbles again, heading to the last bag, and giving it a light kick. "POOOOE-TAYYY-TOOOEE" grunts the blonde. _____ Edited to meet popular demand. For those who don't get the joke, the redhead and brunette both mimic things that might be in an alleyway-a cat and a stray dog. The blonde however wonders "What would be in a potato sack? Potatoes!" and thus tries to blend in by announcing herself as a potato. Edit Edit: I'm blond. I can make these jokes.

Took my blonde girlfriend to her first football game. I took my blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward, I asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big hard muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." I asked her: "What do you mean?" "Well, they flip a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like hello? It's only 25 cents!"

A blonde woman was speeding in her little red sports car when a blonde police officer pulled her over. The officer asked for the driver’s license. The driver rummaged through her purse, growing more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The officer replied, “It’s square and has your picture on it.” The driver found a small square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it over. “Here it is,” she said. The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back, and said, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

Two priests decided they needed a break, so they booked a vacation to sunny Hawaii. Wanting to fully relax and go incognito, they made a promise: no collars, no black suits, nothing that screams "clergy." As soon as they landed, they hit a local shop and stocked up on the wildest tourist gear they could find — think neon shirts, loud floral shorts, flip-flops, oversized sunglasses, and straw hats. They looked like walking postcards. The next morning, they strolled down to the beach, drinks in hand, soaking up the sun and enjoying the freedom of anonymity. That’s when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini walked by, gave them a sweet smile, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” She nodded at each of them and kept walking, calm as can be. The priests stared at each other, stunned. How did she know?! Determined to be unrecognizable, they doubled down. The next day, they returned to the store and bought even wilder outfits — mismatched patterns, tourist hats with dangling beads, socks with sandals — the works. Feeling completely undercover, they headed back to the beach, confident no one would suspect a thing. Right on cue, the same blonde appeared — this time in an even skimpier bikini. She walked right up, smiled again, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” One of the priests jumped up. “Alright, young lady — we give up. Yes, we’re priests. But how on earth did you know?” She laughed, leaned in, and said, “Oh, come on, Father… it’s me — Sister Angela!”

Two blondes fell down a hole Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

Brunette and Blonde Inherit their Family Ranch Two sisters — one blonde, one brunette — inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they fall into financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances the checkbook, then takes their last $600 and heads out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Before leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you so you can drive out and help haul it home.” The brunette arrives, inspects the bull, and decides to buy it. The man tells her he’ll sell it for $599 — no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram with the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator nods and says, “I’d be glad to help. It’s just 99 cents a word.” With only $1 left after buying the bull, the brunette realizes she can only afford to send one word. After thinking for a moment, she nods and says, “Send her the word ‘comfortable.’” The telegraph operator looks puzzled. “How will she know to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul the bull back if you send just the word ‘comfortable’?” The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.”

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator... And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor. The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders." The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?" No offense anyone...hehe EDIT: Front page! Woot woot! Thanks, dudes and dudettes.

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette? Your camera.

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble... Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

Two Blondes meet up for coffee... Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to. "I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night", she said. "Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money... A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk. She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I could do that for free? I don't even have enough to pay the fee here." The guy at the front desk asks her in his creepiest voice: "Do you *really* need to contact your mother?" "Yes" she answers. "I really need to contact my mother." "And you would do *anything*?" "Yes I would do anything to contact my mother." "Really anything?" Exasperated, the blonde answers: "Yes, yes, yes, I would do anything." "Well, then." the guy says "Why don't you just follow me to the back room." So she does. The guy pulls down his pants. The blonde is a bit irritated at first, but thinks that what must be must be. He pulls down his underpants. "Well," He says "Do it!" So the blond gets down on her knees in front of him. She licks her lips. She bends forward and whispers: "Hello, mom? Can you hear me?"

A blonde woman was speeding... A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde. The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one? B: You can have both A: Three

A blonde guy walks into a bar A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink. Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back in. He shouts out Which one of ya'll fuckers stole my Harley? Nobody answers. He caresses his gun and says Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another drink and if ma bike ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna do the same thing I did back in Austin. And I don't like what I did back in Austin. True to his word, he orders a drink and goes back out, to find his Harley back where it was! As he puts on his helmet, the bar owner asks him If you don't mind me asking, what did you do back in Austin? The blond replies I had to walk back home

Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911? Because her angry boyfriend took her phone. It’s important we get out of abusive relationships early and seek help.

3 blonde women are on one side of a river... ...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

There were 2 blondes... So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?" To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

Old blonde joke. A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears. "What's wrong, dear?" He asks Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box." Ba dum-tiss

A Golden Oldie Blonde joke... A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…” He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Blonde schoolgirl Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good, Jenny," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Why are blondes terrible at telling jokes, timing.

The boss comes into work carrying a thermos... His blonde secretary had never seen one before. "What's that thing?" she asks. "Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient." "Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of those!" "Yep, I definitely recommend it." And they go about the rest of the day. Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary's desk. "Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!" he says. "Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold." She's beaming. He grins back. "Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?" "Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

A Gorgeous Young Redhead Goes into the Doctor’s Office... She said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor took off his glasses and said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you? “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde. I just dyed my hair last week.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot said "No problem my wife is blonde I can handle this" The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the first class wasn't going to New York. "

So, this guy has a 12 inch... ...cock. He's always wanted to know what it feels like to get it all the way inside a girl, but the girls he has been with have all had shallow vaginas. So, he goes to a whore house and asks the front desk manager "I'd like your 3 best and deepest girls please." The man gives him three keys, charges him $75, and points to rooms 1, 2, and 3. Inside room 1 he finds a redhead. They start going at it - 10 inches in, and he can't go any deeper. Inside room 2 he finds a brunette. He climbs on top - 11 inches in, almost there but not quite. Inside door 3 he finds a blonde. He puts himself inside her and holy shit, he's in all the way! 12 fuckin inches! He can't believe it, finally he know what it feels like! He starts to come but just then the blonde starts foaming at the mouth. He freaks out and runs out to get help. He yells for the front desk manager "Hey man! Girl in room 3 is foaming at the mouth! I think she needs help!" The manager calmly leans back and yells for his co-worker "Hey Tom, dead girl is full again."

A Blonde and Condoms The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

Unique Dildo! A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm..., how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."

Finally, a smart blonde joke. A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together. The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there. The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.

How did the blonde starve to death? She was poor you inconsiderate fuck.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes... ...and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&Ms factory? She kept coming in late and wasn’t doing her job.

12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn't jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? Because she's dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can't talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it's a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a banana martini please." The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he's actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.

Blonde walks into a... A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

Tribal Experiment! A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure?" Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're half-way there," he replied. "You've grown to 12 inches?!" she said, astonished. "No... it's turned black," he answered.

A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help. "It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries. "Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead.. A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead decide to check their daughters bags, All 3 of them found condoms in their respective daughters bags. The Brunette was stunned and said :" We're a catholic family, It is a sin to have premarital sex " The Redhead said "Its Good to see my girl is using protection, Because prevention is better than cure !". The Blonde said: " OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS " EDIT: THANK ALL OF YOU FOR POSITIVE COMMENTS. IM GLAD THAT I COULD MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. WILL COME UP WITH MORE JOKES FOR ALL YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE. LOVE ALL OF YOU :)

Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together... The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?" " The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too..." The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches... How could I have expected...". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna...why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand... She prepared her own meals!"

Three blondes Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "dear God, make me twice as smart as I am so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "dear God please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a Red Head and she builds a boat and sails across. The third blonde says "dear God, make me twice as smart as you made the last girl so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge. *edit* People, it's just a joke! So much hate, I've told other jokes as well. Here's an anti-man joke? Why are women bad with judging distance? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches is their entire lives.

A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up... When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes. "Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly. "Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine." "That's right!" He says. After she strips, he starts groping her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now? "Sure," she says, "you're checking for lumps." The doctor, growing more bold, slips his finger between her legs. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes, you're checking for any problems down there." "That's exactly right!" The doctor says. He can't contain himself any longer and proceeds to pull out his cock and begin thrusting it in and out of her like a crazed animal. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" The doctor asks, panting. The woman responds, "Yes, you're getting herpes."

Lost Wife Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

Why was the blonde nymphomaniac sad after she got her driver's license? She got an F in sex.

Brunette goes to the doctor A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Bartering Australian style This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ... I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv." But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

Blondes At The Bus Stop. Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says. The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"

A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian..." The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

The blonde and the crocodile. Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Two Blondes are out on a hike.... ....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

Two guys sit down on a train... Two men sit down on a train, in the same cabin, and begin reading the newspaper. When they look up, they make eye contact, and both realize, they each had a black eye. Both men start to chuckle, and decided to exchange stories Guy1: "...Yeah, I really got it." Guy2: "Me too! What happened?" Guy1: "Well, I went up to the ticket counter for the express train today." Guy2: "Yeah?" Guy1: "And there was a beautiful blonde, young female, with huge cans." Guy1: "So, I went up to her and instead of saying 'i need a ticket for pittsburgh' Guy1: " I said 'Excuse me maim, Can I get a picket for titsburg'." Guy2: "Oh, you dog you." Guy1: "Honest mistake, I am a sucker for blondes." Guy2: "I'm Sure" Guy1: "So what's your deal?" Guy2: "Well, similar story actually." Guy1: "No Way!" Guy2: "Yeah, Yeah" Guy2: "So, I went downstairs to eat some breakfast with my wife." Guy2: "You know normal day" Guy2 "And instead of saying 'Pass the cheerios hun' I said 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

3 blondes walk into a police station... ...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him." He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye." He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear." He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?" The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."

[NSFW]After a round of golf... a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together. He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his manhood in question, she can tell he is hurt. But, she thinks he's sexy, so she suggests they go to the parking lot for a good ol' hummer in the backseat of his car. Needless to say, he enjoys himself and asks her to play golf tomorrow! She accepts, and every day that week, they play, she wins by a large amount, and afterwords he gets a BJ in his car. Though quite happy with the way things are going, he decides that he wants to seal the deal, and he invites her to his place for a romantic Saturday night dinner. She shows up dressed to the 9s, the candles are lit, the steak is ready. They sit down to eat and a moment before his first bite she abruptly drops her silverware and exclaims, "I can't do this anymore! I have to tell you something!" Trying to comfort her, he says "Of course, you can tell me anything! I'm sure it will be ok!" To which she replies, "I'm actually a MAN!" His anger burns hotter than the sun, and he screams back, "God damn you! You've been hitting off the women's tee all week!"

A Blond, Brunette and a Redhead go to a Bar They come up to the bartender and the bartender says "we have a magic mirror in the girl's bathroom, if you tell it a truth about yourself you'll get free drinks and if you tell it a lie it will kill you." Excited, the brunette rushes to the bathroom and says "I think I'm the prettiest out of the three of us." The mirror gives the brunette a voucher for free drinks. Next, the redhead rushes to the bathroom seeing as her best friend had gotten free drinks and says "I think I have the best hair in the group." The mirror gives the redhead a voucher for free drinks and she rushes out. The blonde is so surprised, she runs to the bathroom to test it and says "I think-" and immediately dies Edit: Blonde

The blonde girl at school. Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good, Jenny," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."

A Blond goes to work in tears. A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

BLONDE SUICIDE A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' questioned the doctor. 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was. When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’ ‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she asked I replied ‘Ask nicely!’

Two Blondes Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto; "I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night" "Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other

The Joke He Didn’t Tell A blind man accidentally walks into a ladies’ bar. He finds his way to a stool, sits down, and orders a drink. After a while, he calls out to the bartender, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?” The bar goes completely silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know a few things…” “First, the bartender is blonde. Second, the bouncer is blonde. Third, I’m a six-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. Fourth, the woman next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. And fifth, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.” She pauses. “Now think carefully… do you still want to tell that joke?” The blind man sits quietly for a moment, then shakes his head. “Nah… not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”