100+ Birthday Jokes

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note... And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7." - EDIT - Wow, I came back and this really blew up! Thanks so much for the kind comments, and upvotes, and gold. I'm so glad I could give so many people a chuckle today!

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter. He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. *My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake*, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. *How quaint,* the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma." PART 2 and PART 3 in my profile

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video... He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

The first female president The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Edit: Dates (the attention to detail in the comments is amazing. Sarah Goldstein would hire you all). Edit II: 2028 -> 2029. Edit III: Glad to see most of you liked the joke! Shoutout to Heather for being my fellow old jewish mother through thick and thin, and shoutout to my awesome girlfriend on her birthday! Miss you boo :-*

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun. I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said... "...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife... The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it. It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else.... my birthday would be 24/7

A ten minute favor vs thousand euro bill Once, at a company where I worked as an architect, I used the company laptop’s Photoshop to make my daughter’s birthday invitation. It took maybe ten minutes. My boss saw it in the recent files while we were reviewing a project together and told me the computer was for work only. I just said “Ok”, because… well, what else was I going to say. That same week I traveled to another city to survey a building. I did everything with the tape measure and laser the company provided. When I got back, he asked if I had already downloaded the photos, because he wanted to see the inside of the building. I told him I hadn’t taken any photos, since my phone was personal. He was furious on the inside, but couldn’t show it, because months earlier I had asked the company for a work phone and they had refused. The next day, a brand new Samsung appeared on my desk. And off I went again to the same city, to take the photos, with the company paying for flights, hotel, and all the doubled expenses.

My 77 year old dad said this last night So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish ## I say ofcourse he was Jewish + 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents + Working in his father's business + His mother thought he was God's gift ## He's Jewish. Give it up **** _by Robin Williams_ Happy Birthday Robin!

Teenage sex My teenage daughter came home in a rage. ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’ I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

A boy was born without a body A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head. So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out. The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly. "What a shame" his dad said. "He should have quit while he was ahead"

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife... The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon." The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..." Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

How old do you think I am? A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

I'm not a pedophile anymore Happy 18th birthday to my sister by the way

I never believed in reincarnation and was greatly, and delightfully surprised when I was reborn as a young girl. I realised it was not reincarnation but my own personal hell when on my 20th birthday I looked into the face of the man who would be my husbands, it was mine from my previous life.

My birthday is in 3 days and my autistic son just died. Which is a real fucking shame because i no longer have anything to wish for.

Patrick wants a bike... For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

What do you call a pinata at an emo kids birthday party? The birthday boy

A father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is. His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.” Confused, his dad agrees, and on his fifteenth birthday, the son opens his present to find a single pig pong ball inside. “Dad! Thank you so much! I am the happiest kid on this planet!” The next day, the father goes into his son’s room but doesn’t find the ping pong ball anywhere. Next year rolls around, and the father asks his son what he wants for his birthday, probably a car, or a new video game. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The father, only wanting to please his son, asks what that one thing is. His son says to him, “I want a ten pack of ping pong balls.” The father was a little weirded out, but he did as his son wished, and on his sixteenth birthday, the son opened his present to find a pack of ping pong balls. “Dad thank you so much! I love them!” The next day, he goes up to his son’s room, and doesn’t find one ping pong ball anywhere. Twelve months pass, and it’s time for the son to turn seventeen. The father, ready for whatever outrageous gift his son might want, asks him what he would like for his birthday. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, thinking he’s about to spend a shitload of money on a new car, asks his son what that thing is. “I want a jug of ping pong balls.” The dad, who was just taken aback by the whole situation, bought his son a jug of ping pong balls to open on his seventeenth birthday. “Oh my god! Dad thank you so much!” On the next day, the dad goes into his son’s room, but doesn’t find a single ping pong ball anywhere. Four seasons pass, and his son is becoming an adult. The father, who is about to send his only son to college, prepares himself for the amount of money he is about to spend on his favorite kid to send him to his alma mater, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The father asks him what that one thing just might be. “Well dad, I want a warehouse full of ping pong balls.” The dad is like, holy shit? “What is up with my son and his ping pong balls?” But he does as his son wishes, and the next day, he drives his son to the an old abandoned warehouse. They open the door, and ping pong balls just roll out. Everywhere. “Dad. Thank you so much. I love you!” Around 24 hours later, the dad drives down to the warehouse, opens the door, but there’s not a single ping pong ball inside. 8,772 hours later, the son is turning nineteen. But a few days before his birthday, he is in an awful wreck. He’s hospitalized. Hooked up to thirty different machines. The father is devastated. He goes into his son’s hospital room, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. “Son, I’m going to make this your best birthday yet. I will buy you anything. Anything you want.” His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, who is already up to protocol, is like, “alright. How many ping pong balls do you want this time?” “I want a boatload. As many as you can buy.” The father, just trying to make his son’s days in the hospital enjoyable, buys a boatload of ping pong balls. He buys out every warehouse of ping pong balls. Uses his life savings to buy every single ping pong ball in America. He walks into his son’s hospital room to tell him the news. “Dad I can’t believe you bought me all of these ping pong balls. How can I ever repay you?” The dad, who wants to know what the fuck is up with his son and these ping pong balls, asks, “well there is one way son.” “What is it Dad?” “What do you do with all of these fucking ping pong balls?” The son was happy to tell his dad what he did with the ping pong balls. “Well dad,” he started, but never finished. The son died. Edit: thank you for the upvotes and the gold. I am very humbled by you guys and the attention this has received. You guys are truly the best.

On his 18th birthday, Tom was finally old enough to use the Predictor of Death Machine. He placed his hand inside, and it printed: “WHILE CELEBRATING,” so he never smiled again—just in case.

When I was 11, the psychic at the state fair gasped while tracing my palmline and begged me not to go outside on my 43rd birthday. Ten years later, pinned between the summit and the impending snowstorm, I can't remember why I ever let a $7 carnie make me believe myself invincible.

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe. He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

I stood frozen in place as my wife told me “happy birthday!” It wasn’t until her brain matter was splattered all over the card that read “here’s what you’ve always wanted” did I realize how I must have made her feel all these years.

On his birthday, an old guy is going around the nursing home, entertaining himself by saying, "Guess how old I am! Guess how old I am!" "I don;t know, 81? 82?" "Nope! Nope! I'm 95!" He approaches an old lady sitting by herself in the hall, and says, "Guess how old I am!" "OK." She unzips the zipper on his pants, reaches in, feels around for awhile, and says, "I'd say you're about...95. Yep. I'd say you're about 95." "That's amazing! How'd you know?" "I heard you telling that guy."

When I lit the candles on the tuna cake for my cat’s 20th birthday, I was thankful that he’d had a long, fulfilling life. That seems like a very distant memory now that I light the candles again for his 50th birthday, knowing something is deeply wrong, but I am thankful nonetheless.

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar. He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. "How many of you make love once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted. “OK, how about once a year?” To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling. The therapist is shocked - this man's reaction completely disproves his theory! “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man shouts: "Today’s my birthday!”

When my toddler told me he ate “the blue sprinkles”, I was just surprised that my daughter didn’t complain about her birthday cake missing some. It was only when he crawled towards the door and picked up the slug pellets, that I realised what he ate.

I lost my twin brother at childbirth. Every year when I put my ear up against the dark red walls of mother, I can hear them celebrating his birthdays.

What started as a joyous 5 year old’s birthday party suddenly turned into a mass execution. Everyone spontaneously combusted after the birthday boy blew out his candles, making a wish he could eat all the cake himself.

As i handed my father his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "one would have been enough you know"

Me: when is your birthday? Her: March 1st Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

My husband suggested we have dinner at my sister's for my birthday, as if I haven't noticed the two of them sneaking around my back for weeks. I swear I only brought the gun to scare them, but when my friends jumped out yelling "SURPRISE" I panicked.

My wife just phoned me, and the conversation went like this: Her: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas…?” Me: “Yeah.” Her: “Wind it forward one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.” Me: “Right, I’ve done that.” Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion…?” Me: “I can see that, yeah.” Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other…?” Me: “Okay, I see them.” Her: “Well, behind those two, on the left-hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator holding a spear…?” Me: “Yes…! I can see him.” Her: “Right…! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday.”

I was very compliant during a timeout as a child When I was about 4 years old, I was throwing a tantrum over something dumb. Honestly, I don't remember what--I know I was in nice shoes and a party dress so I probably was sad I had to leave a friend's birthday party. My mother put me in a timeout in an upholstered chair in her dining room. She said I was not allowed to get up or make a sound. I'm currently 20 and I have a visceral memory of stopping crying long enough to be afraid of how big she looked bent over the chair as she yelled at me. Then she left the room. That's when I realized I really needed to go to the bathroom. I had not since leaving the birthday party. But I wasn't allowed to get up or make any noise. I remember trying to wait as long as I could (not that long) before realizing that I was going to be in timeout *forever* so I may as well let the inevitable happen. I was still crying from being yelled at. I remember thinking "That'll show her not to tell her I shouldn't move or make noise." My mother came back to find her sopping wet child and the task of cleaning this upholstered chair. She asked me "It was only 20 minutes, if you couldn't wait why didn't you get up and tell me?" and I said to her "You told me not to get up or say anything!"

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

There are 500 bricks on a plane... - There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? 499 - What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge - What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge - The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator. - Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why? The alligators are all at the birthday party. - Sally dies anyways. Why? She got hit in the head by a flying brick

My wife is turning 32 soon and I told her not to get her hopes up, “After all, the celebration is only going to last half a minute.” Confused, she asked, “What are you talking about?” I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

The veteran paramedic gave the nervous new hire a grin and said, "You’ll learn not to hurry—dead is dead, no matter how fast you get there." But as he slowed near the scene, his smile vanished at the sight of a twisted pink bicycle he’d wrapped in birthday paper just days ago.

Just in case you thought it was a one-time-thing... Never, ever stop being petty. Never EVER let something go, or let it die, or let people say you are doing it for attention or karma; pettiness does NOT have an expiration date, and as long as you keep pettiness in your heart all year round, it will never leave you. A while back I posted a story about a Wrench, and my father, and how he teased me about losing it. Here's the original link if your into backstory and lore: [The Original Story](https://old.reddit.com/r/MaliciousCompliance/comments/vg23jd/fathers_day_compliance/) Today, is Dad's birthday, and while he only asked for gift cards, from me, he will always get one, extra, tiny little gift. A Craftsman, 7/16, ratchet end wrench. Why? Because it will never NOT be funny. But at this point, I feel that I am a large shareholder in Craftsman Tools. [This year's present:](https://imgur.com/a/oun9ADw) **TL:DR** - My father, many, many years ago jokingly accused me of losing a wrench. Sick of the teasing, I warned him he'd get that wrench every Father's Day, Birthday, and Christmas for the rest of his fucking life. I keep my promises.

I told my wife today that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler. She said, "It's crazy to think that such a disgusting loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people.... .... shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

Only Phone Calls Matter. You Get What You Asked For! :) My mother is toxic and likes to have unspoken rules for me that I never know exist until I break them. However, I have one time in my life where I broke one but decided she was going to eat her own words because I had enough. A few years ago, her birthday in May landed on a weekday with Mother's Day that weekend. I was busy at work that week and was already working weekends and overtime. But I always made sure to remember her birthday and Mother’s Day. I bought her presents, sent her a birthday card and Mother’s Day card, texted her a happy birthday and Mother’s Day and even gave a very well thought out post on her FB. It’s all I had time for. However, I never heard a word from her. She didn't call me, nor did I get a text if she even received the present that I sent her. No thank you’ s, nothing. I was too busy to even ask about it and with her typical behavior of ignoring me I just didn't press her about it. In December a special event came up in my life which I told her about several times. My sister had similar events, and my mother always remembered hers. So, when it came and went with her saying nothing, I brought it up over text. I was told that she "didn't realize it was important to me". I was upset and admittedly angry over once again being ignored and forgotten about. Cue her usual deflection in which she then turned the entire argument around on me and that's when I found out she did receive my present - 7 months later! She then told me, and I quote, "You didn't think it hurt my feelings when you didn't bother to call me on my birthday or Mother’s Day? Sorry but Facebook cards just don't get it and neither does texting;". Fine. Cue my malicious compliance. For the next year she never got a text, a FB post, birthday present, Mother’s Day present, Christmas present etc. But she got her phone call on her birthday and holidays. Phones calls are the ONLY thing she received because as she said, other forms of communication and thoughtful gestures didn’t cut it. After a year of this, my mother sends in her reliable flying monkey. My sister calls me to tell me that, "Mom doesn't think you love her because you don't send her presents anymore." I'd like to say I stood my ground but at the time I was still a doormat, so the malicious compliance ended. I'm no contact with my family now but to this day...it makes me proud that for once I used her words against her and set a boundary. She never said that to me again, so it was worth it! :)

On his 70th birthday, an old man received a coupon from his wife... The coupon paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Let me celebrate my birthday with this song I just downloaded." Edit - alternate punchline: "Let me celebrate my birthday by playing this song I downloaded and eating cake with me hearties."

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

Marijuana-Filled Firewood At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings... 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yup sure did!' 'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?' 'Yup!' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' by mid_nite_poet

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

On my 45th birthday, my wife whispered, “Are you finally ready to try some butt stuff?” I said, “Hell yeah!!” She said, “Great. I scheduled your colonoscopy for next week.”

Which birthday only lasts for one minute? Your 62nd birthday 🎂

Guess how old I am? A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I'm really 47!", he says, feeling better than ever. Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds." Edit: Fixed a bit

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!" The Priest walks through the metal detector and gets shot dead after security believed the hair dryer was a gun.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday... They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

I have been sober for 20 years! It's my 21st Birthday tomorrow and I'm ready.

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

My birthday was coming up and my gf knew I really wanted a ps4, but I never thought it would happen because our budget wouldn't allow it. I came home to a surprise She was fucking the pizza guy.

Phoney Business Background: I was on a family phone plan with my folks well into my adult years. My dad liked to take the lion's share of the data plan and would send out a passive aggressive "oink oink goes the pig" if anyone but him was using too much data. The rest of us had to connect to WiFi whenever possible. We all had better had a good reason if we got close to using up a quarter of the shared data plan (4 people on the plan and split 4 ways but he liked to take his half out of the middle). The four of us paid into the plan each month and in theory it was cheaper than an individual plan. Story: For a birthday he announced that I was getting kicked off the family plan because I needed to "be a man" or some other grown up nonsense. I think he may have mentioned something about how he hated that my grown relatives were doing something similar and needed to grow up. The details are fuzzy but this wasn't the first time, nor the last that be would announce unpleasant things at birthdays and holiday family gatherings so I took it in stride and switched to an independent phone plan. I got the cheapest, most basic data plan and it ended up being comparable to what I was paying into the family plan. I also realized just how little I actually use my data and the plan was actually fairly comfortable for my needs so I stuck with it. Fallout: A year later he brings up the idea of getting me back into the family plan because getting me off the plan ended up not only costing the individual more money per person, the phone carrier also had a deal going on where the more people connected to one plan, the less expensive per person the overall plan would be. Some sort of wholesale or group discount or another. I told him that I was perfectly happy with my independent phone plan paying my own rate. I also reminded him that the only reason why I got off it to begin with was because he didn't think I was being a responsible grown adult. I simply wanted to "prove to him" that I can manage all of my own bills like a "real" adult unlike others in my family he liked to complain about. He tried asking me a few more times about it throughout the months because it would be so much cheaper for him but I continually brought up how much he hated my relatives that "refused to grow up" and that he wanted me to not be like them per his "gift" on my birthday. I stuck with it because while I could have access to more data that I "could" use, the absence of snarky texts about being a data hog was more than worth the price.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

I bought my wife a dildo and a book for her birthday.. If she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself.

My mother handed me $20 "Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin. EDIT: I translated the joke from another language, but then dug out [this](http://i.imgur.com/BNx13aq.jpg) which may well be the original. So, credit where credit is due.

Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce I wasn't planning on spending that much..

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat. The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?" "How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim. Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?" Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team." Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled. The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her. The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..." Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . . "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off how many are left? 499. What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge. What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge. The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? The giraffe because he's stuck in the fridge. Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how? The alligators are all at the birthday party. Sally dies anyways. Why? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Birthdays are good for your health Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex... ...I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch. Edit: Apparently once a joke is posted everyone must read it from the original post.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves!! just kidding....I don't know what he got....he hasn't opened it yet

21st birthday A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs. On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head. His friends are stunned. "Quick, get him another one!" So one of them helps him drink another beer - and poof! Two arms pop out of the torso. Amazed, they order another beer, which the boy (now having arms) proudly drinks all by himself. Poof! Two legs pop out of the torso. All his friends cheer as the guy gets up to take a few steps. But he's unsteady on his new legs - not helped by three beers in rapid succession - and after a few steps he stumbles through the front door and into the street, and gets flattened by a bus. "Bummer," says one of the guys in the bar. "He should have quit while he was ahead."

The lesbian couple next door asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told them I wanted a guitar, because the strings on my old one snapped.

wife said if I get one more bad gift for her birthday, she’ll burn it Im thinking, candle?

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

Why didn’t my parents wish me a happy birthday yesterday? Because it wasn’t my birthday.

I drew my gun as fast as possible and shot at the wave of enemy soldiers, praying I could hold them off on my own. When I came back to my senses, I saw my nephew's blood-spattered birthday party, the TV still loudly playing Call Of Duty though the players no longer moved.

As I handed my dear Dad his 65th birthday card, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know son, one would have been enough”

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying "Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?" "Klose", replied the groggy husband. "And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?" "Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied. "Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?" "Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski" "And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?" "Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated. "Yesterday was my birthday."

Too much leave Its my 40th birthday coming up so put in some annual leave, only 2 weeks worth. Not a lot but we have the ability to put in leave at half pay, ie 10 days off for 5 days leave but you only get paid for the 5 days leave. This is what I did. Got declined, as "you have too much leave" so I will need to put this in as full pay. So I refused. And put through one week a month at half pay for 6 months. Which was approved, as well as my 40th. I was told by another person they wished they were my level of petty.

My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

How I got My (CDL) Commercial Drivers License If you've seen my other posts in this sub- Reddit, they all seem to do something with trucking. Trucking and diesel mechanics which was my entire adult careers. I think truck driving is mostly about compliance and malicious compliance. I hope this fits here. In high school I went to tech school for auto mechanics. Since I was little, I always wanted to be a mechanic. Upon graduation I went directly to work as a mechanic. The work didn't bother me so much, but I hated the shop, One day I realized the best part of my day was the test drive. So, I thought being a truck driver would be the perfect job for me. So, I worked towards that goal. Soon after my 20th birthday I got a job driving a truck. I loved the open road! Back then Pennsylvania used the class 1, 2, 3, license system. Class 1 was for 18 wheelers. Class 2 was for large trucks over 30K lbs. gross vehicle weight; Class 3 was passenger vehicles. The company I worked for had 2 delivery trucks and I was driver #2. All was great, till.... About 3 and a half years after I started Pennsylvania decided to go with the Federal Commercial Driver's License. The classes all worked the same, with differences. Instead of 1, 2, 3, it is now A, B, C. Class A is 18- wheelers, Class B is all other trucks over 27k lbs. And Class C was passenger vehicles. Class 3 and class C vehicles only needed a regular driver's license to drive them. All other classes required extra testing to get the proper license. Once you had your truck permit you had to be able to get a truck and licensed driver to test drive and practice with. Then take the driving test. Followed by the written test, to get your license. I have a problem. I don't know another CDL driver, nor anyone who will allow me to borrow a truck to take the test. My only other option is to enroll into a truck driving school. At 20 living on my own, that was not an option. Our trucks were originally rated at class 3 because they had no air brakes and weighed 28k lbs. The company chose this route so they could pay drivers less. However, with the Federal class system, our trucks are now class B requiring a CDL So, the characters. There is me (OP). A 20M truck driver. Fred 40ishM (the company part owner) John 30ishM (my manager under Fred). Pennsylvania had a 3-month deadline to get your CDL, or you cannot drive. One day John asks me "Are you going to get your CDL"? I say "I don't know. Is the company goanna pay for it?" "I don't know" said John" "Lemme talk to Fred". At this point I am the only driver they have. John and I work together well. I have a great working relationship with everyone in the company, and our customers as well, well, everyone but Fred. Fred bought into to the company a year ago. From day one he had an issue with me. He always assumed I was doing the wrong thing but never had true cause. Since day one, he would only speak to me if he had to. No small talk, no smile. A month passes and I do not get an answer one way or the other. Till Fred asks me one day. "Are you going to get your CDL"? I say, "Are you paying for it"? "No" he says. So, I reply "No" as well. Another month goes by, and Fred and I have the same conversation. But this time Fred asked," What are you going to do for work"? I looked at him dead in the eye and said, "This isn't the only job"! The malicious compliance. What I knew that Fred apparently didn't realize was that in just over 2 weeks they could not deliver product unless they hire someone for a lot more money to drive. So, they were going to have to comply to my demand or lose 85% of their business! With almost 2 weeks to go till the deadline John says to me," On Saturday take the company pickup, drive to Harrisburg, and get your permit. You will be paid for your time"! I found a few weeks earlier that if I drove the same truck for 3 years, I could get a waiver of the permit. As long as the company owner is willing to sign an affidavit that I drove there 3 years or more, I could skip all of the driving portion, get my permit, then take the written test and get my CDL. I did not tell Fred that. Instead, I went to the other owner of the company and had him sign. Saturday comes, I get on the road at 4am to be in Harrisburg DMV by 5:30 or 6am. When I get there, I am surprised. The line for the DMV runs out the door and around the block! I estimate when they open at 7:00am I will be about 500th in line! It took another 2.5hrs, but I walked out with my permit. Now for the test! To Pennsylvania's credit, they had a firehouse in every county as a temporary CDL testing site. Due to the volume of people who needed testing. I tried to get into 3 different testing sites, but they were packed and closed before I navigated the line to get in. After that my office called around to reserve a spot for me. Finally on Thursday afternoon I get a call to get to a particular testing site in one hour, and I have a seat to

My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday... ..I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her fucking birthday.

Mom's birthday gifts 3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday. The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well." Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a penthouse apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in." Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being able to read her bible well due to her poor vision, I bought a parrot that can recite bible verses perfectly!" 3 weeks later, the boys receive a letter from their mother. It read: "To my 3 dear boys: Thank you for all your nice gifts. However, I couldn't use the car that Michael gave me because I'm too old to go out anymore and the chauffeur is mean. The new penthouse is nice, but it is too big for me to clean each day and I'm only ever in the bedroom. But Lucas, you did a fine job in choosing a gift. The chicken was delicious."

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it

My lesbian friends got me a nice Rolex for my birthday but, I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch".

My teenage daughter came home in a rage. My teenage daughter came home in a rage. ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’ I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note... And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?" "It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!" "Really?" she said. "What does it do?" "Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words." "Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!" "Fuck me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this." "What is it?" she asked all excitedly. I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

You can turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday