100+ Bird Jokes

I had my yard certified as a National Wildlife Habitat to spite a busybody neighbor Edit at the bottom! Our yard is wild. I mean that in the real definition of "living or growing in the natural environment". We have no "lawn". We aggressively remove and prevent invasive and noxious species of plants and ensure that what grows is native to our area and drought resistant. The wildflowers that grow are things like Lupine, Blue Flax, Spiderwort, Black eyed Susan, and Sunflowers, among others. We have natural elements like driftwood logs to retain water and we even have an elk skull in the yard to act as a shelter for critters. There are a plethora of birds, bees, bunnies, and other wildlife. More wildlife than any yard in the area, as far as I can tell. It's beautiful and alive, but definitely not a manicured lawn with perfectly cut grass and landscaping. Last summer, we got a notice from the county that our yard was in violation of some county ordinance. My husband called the number on the notice and got a very "over it" employee who let out a big sigh and said he had gotten like 30 complaints from one person for the entire strip of road that we live on. Keep in mind, you can't "batch" report an area. You have to file reports house by house. So someone had the time and energy to pull up Google maps and file a report for about 30 houses for "overgrown weeds." I checked the county ordinance and made sure everything we had in our yard was in compliance. Things like "purposely cultivated," which our wildflowers definitely were. We planted specific species of seeds and we remove whatever's not native. None of the wild plants block any sidewalks nor do they hang over onto any other properties. Now knowing that it was someone with way too much time on their hands, I did some reading and learned that my yard has everything needed and then some to qualify as a National Wildlife Habitat. So, I filled out the form, paid the fee, and got my certificate. My husband called the county employee back who said "Send me that certificate." He looked it over, thanked my husband for the new information he can use in the future, and closed our case. I now have signs on my yard that announce the property as a wildlife habitat and the birds and bees get to keep living happily in the wild. EDIT: Thank you for the overwhelming support for my little act of rebellion. I'm so so happy to see how many people are excited about wild yards! Long live the bees 🐝 That said, I'm getting some real weird hate in my inbox. IDK why this seems to have activated some negative feelings in some people. Let me clear a couple things up... The county doesn't have HOA style restrictions. They're pretty fast and loose with the ordinances. The certificate/sign simply shows that the wildness is intentional and not just a neglected yard. It offers no legal protection, and I never claimed it did. The county employee liked that he had something to show in the event someone keeps complaining. So far, we haven't had any more issues and it's been over a year. I don't really worry about resale value bc I want to live in my house in a manner that brings me joy. I can easily reverse anything we've done if I need to sell for some reason. The house is paid off tho, so not likely to do that any time soon lol I don't feel comfortable sharing photos of my yard (and someone demanded proof I own a house?). I'm really sorry, I would also want to see photos. I have just had some weird issues in the past and don't want to end up doxxing myself. I'm sure most of y'all understand 💜 I'm so happy y'all are interested in having a wild yard, as well. 🐝 🌺 ❤️

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.... A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

A lady walks into a pet store... She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

Dress more appropriately for church. Sure, I’ll follow the rule literally A couple years ago, I joined a small but tight knit church community. Everyone was pretty relaxed, people came in jeans, dresses, even T-shirts sometimes, especially at youth services. No one was disrespectful, just comfortable. I usually wore long skirts or dress pants and nice tops. Nothing flashy and definitely nothing revealing. But apparently, that wasn’t churchy enough for one particular elder, an older woman. After service one day, she pulled me aside and said, with that sweet fake smile: Sweetheart, I just wanted to encourage you to dress a bit more appropriately. We should always look our best for the Lord. I was confused. I asked what exactly was inappropriate about my outfit, a long navy skirt, a tucked-in blouse, and flats. She said: It’s not bad, but, you know not quite holy attire. Maybe think about what you’d wear if Jesus was sitting in the front row. The next Sunday, I showed up in my most over the top church outfit. Full floor length choir robe. White gloves. A wide brimmed hat with a fake bird and a little veil. Bible in hand, stockings, low heels and pearls. I looked like I was either about to preach, get baptized, or time travel back to 1954. People stared. One usher asked if I was part of the clergy now. Someone whispered, Is she in a play? And bless her heart, the elder gave me a stunned little nod when I sat close to her and said: You look very reverent today. Thank you! I figured this is how Jesus would want me to show up. Next week. Back to my usual outfit. Never got a comment again.

*Angry Bird Noises*

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned.............. "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

Damn birds got us again

Pakistan's national bird? US Air Force MQ-9 Reaper

A mummy calls a restauraunt. - Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I. - Could you spell it out, please? - Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers? The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

A woman goes to buy a parrot from the bird store The store keeper shows her parrots for 200$. 100$ and 10$ She asked why the last one was so cheap and he said it used to live in a brothel She took the parrot home and he screamed " oh shit! New brothel" she laughed Her daughter came home and the parrot screamed " oh shit! New prozzies" the girl laughed Then the husband got home and the parrot went "fuck me! Pete! Haven't seen you in weeks"

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?" "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .." Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!" Edit: Sorry, I got this in an Email forward and probably should have edited out the Irishness before posting it here.

Blondes on "who wants to be a millionaire" A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." Barbara: "I think I know it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." *Ringing* Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well so far on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Millionaire. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the the one Million dollar question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." *clock ticking* Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gee, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. *Crowd cheers* Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real good gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." "clapping" That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, how in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies? A swallow

Phineas and Verb, but all the ferbs are replaced with "fuck" and "fucking" There's 104 days of summer vacation And school fucks along just to fuck it So the annual problem for our generation Is fucking a good way to fuck it Like maybe... Fucking a rocket Or fucking a mummy Or fucking up the Eiffel Tower Fucking something that doesn't exist, Hey! Or fucking a monkey a shower Fucking tidal waves Fucking nanobots Or fucking Frankenstein's brain, It's over here! Fucking a dodo bird Fucking a continent Or fucking your sister insane, Phineas! As you can fuck There's a whole lot of stuff to fuck Before school fucks this fall, fuck on Perry! So fuck with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb Are gonna fuck it all So fuck with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb are Gonna fuck it all! Mom! Phineas and Ferb are fucking a title sequence!

You wanna throw a fit over the property line? No problem! So I bought a house in 2018. I had to in a hurry so I could get my mother in my old home before her chemo got intense. My family had outgrown the one we were in, and we found one that needed some work but had 5.25 acres and a chicken coop. Neighbor (Dan) obsessively manicures his property and it is much nicer as a result, but the price and features worked for us on our side. We fix up and paint the chicken coop, only interrupted once by Dan asking us to tear it down or move it. Surely the coop was well on our side of the property line, I thought. I politely declined and described how the only thing I'd be doing is building an enclosed run toward my house to protect the birds from predators after fixing some things inside the house that have been neglected. The previous owner was a serious alcoholic and there's a lot of work to do. Dan walks away angry but defeated. A couple of years pass and the run is built exactly as described and our informal survey shows the property line about 20ft back, and I build gardens roughly the same distance from the property line. Dan has a survey done that suspiciously puts the back corner of the coop and about 1/3 of the run over the property line, but we agreed that it could stay so long as I don't encroach any further and I eventually move it which WAS my actual plan. He said to take all the time I need, declining my offers to buy the dirt or trade easements and reimburse him for the cost of the survey. Another year goes by and Dan has changed his tune. He interrupts a target practice session with my two foster kids to demand that I demolish the coop and run soon, to which I said "I suppose I could push that project up to next fall (2024)". He isn't happy but seems pacified. I wasn't thrilled either but I'm a reasonable guy and would prefer to have a good relationship with a neighbor I don't like much. Enter May 2024, six months before I agreed to do anything, and this guy shows up in my back yard wanting to talk about the god damned coop again. "You know, Dan. You said I could have all the time I needed and then demanded I tear it down, going back on your..." Cue the most childish temper tantrum I think I've ever seen. He was literally stomping on the ground with elbows out, screaming about suing me and how he'll own my whole house by the time he's done with me. Malicious compliance: fuck you, Dan. I decided the best place for that coop is exactly where it is. It's been there about 20 years and adverse possession only requires 10. I can take that 12sqft of dirt from you and you'll even have to pay my legal fees. Only the run needs to move since it's only been there 5 years. That's exactly what I did. The new run connects to the gardens and the roof funnels the roosters' crows right to his house. Setback requirements say structures must be 5' from property lines. The back corner of the run is now exactly 5'2" away from the supposed property line and he gets to hear and smell my chickens every single time he's outside. He will not have peace until he dies or moves. I am well within my rights and while I do struggle with medical and PTSD issues from my service, I learned very well from the Navy how to be *technically* correct in a way that works only for me.

Pavlov's birds An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

forgive me father for i have sinned... ... "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’” “The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’

"I'll take your firstborn" always seemed like a fair trade, and I was beyond relieved to see my daughter become a teenager. Two days later I would find the broken remains of birds and small mammals in a box under her bed.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies? A Swallow.

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,... "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows. But I have to say, her bird collecting has gone far enough

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure," replied the vet, "Your duck is definitely dead." "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a healthy looking black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. It then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a printout. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you our full fee," he said, "which includes the cost of a complete lab test and a cat scan." The vet took the paper, handed it to the woman and said, "The bill is $1500." "$1500!" the woman exclaimed in disbelief. "How much for the rest of the duck?"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "I did not give you sufficient data to determine whether or not these women are married. The way a woman chooses to consume ice cream has no correlation to her marriage status."

When being a jailbird is not a pun . . .

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle... There once was a Native American who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why??? Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

My HOA's battle with the community cat Last year a cat started talking to mine through a window. I thought this was cute that they decided to be friends, but when I opened the door, the stray cat ran off. I assumed I would never see him again since no cats survive very long outside where I live. We have coyotes, hawks, and owls which have all lead to me never seeing the same cat more than once in the eleven years I've lived here. This cat, who we've since named Blue, is just different. He kept coming by to visit every day for a month. Eventually, he walked inside the house. My wife caught him and took him to the Humane Society assuming they would put him up for adoption. Instead they told us about their community cat program. They spayed and vaccinated him, clipped his ear, and told us to return him where we found him. We released him and assumed after kidnapping him and chopping his balls off that he'd never want to have anything to do with us again. Instead, he kept coming by. He would come inside, snuggle our dogs and cat and sleep with them all day, then go out at night and do whatever he wanted. Then we'd be walking the dogs around the neighborhood, and he would start following us which everyone who saw thought was hilarious. Everyone except my HOA that is. They got pissed, claimed the cat was mine, and told me that I couldn't let him out unsupervised. We started keeping him inside and just taking him on walks with the dogs to get his wiggles out because when he didn't get outside time, he would start destroying everything in the house. This was working pretty well, but he kept eating any low lying bird families, and this pissed off a couple of the neighbors who again complained to the HOA. So then the board proposed a change to the neighborhood rules that would require all pets to be leashed, not just dogs. A lot of people wrote in saying this was idiotic, joking about leashing their turtles and guinea pigs, etc. Nevertheless, the board passed the new rule. When I read it, I realized it didn't say anything about the length of the leash or that it needed to be held. So we got him a ridiculously short leash that he now just drags along behind him. I also contacted the Humane Society and told them how ridiculous my HOA has been, and they are going to send their social media team over to make some videos of the cat for their channels. Edit: so I think cat tax means photos. Couldn't figure out how to include photos on this post, but here's some for you [https://www.reddit.com/r/SleepingCats/comments/1cgbqej/mass\_hysteria/](https://www.reddit.com/r/SleepingCats/comments/1cgbqej/mass_hysteria/)

A woman went to a pet shop.. ..and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then said.. "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because birds don't actually urinate.

We need to save hours! This was back about 8yrs ago when I worked for the big green store in the UK. We were going through a belt tightening period; sales were down, no recruitment to replace leavers, ie circling the drain right before we parted ways with shmallshmart ahem. I'd been sent onto nights to evaluate and fix them. Came in for 10pm for shift start, and immediately got collared by my line manager who I had a mutual loathing going on with. He rants at me that I *have* to cut hours, pick a colleague, he doesn't care who, and send them home. I have a little think about it, and pull in my three little minions. I explain the demands, but I also tell them that I think this is massively unfair, expecting one person to lose an entire shift. So I said that we'd *all* go home 2hrs early; that'd give them the 'saved' 8hrs, we'd still manage to get most tasks done, and who wouldn't be happy finishing early, right? So that's what we did. Next evening, store manager pulls me in, asks me wtf happened? Morning crew turned up and we were all gone, and had to pull the AM delivery into the chiller by themselves. So I told him, told him my reasoning. Turns out that the night team wasn't meant to be part of where the hours were cut. Seems Mr line manager was trying to hit two birds with one stone; free up hours for his shift, and also get me in trouble for failing my tasks. What actually happened was that my minions pulled together in solidarity, we nailed our shit, and by all being gone the following morning, we drew full attention to the shenanigans. We got apologies, and he got in trouble.

If the stork is the bird that delivers the babies, what is the bird that prevents pregnancy? The swallow.

Principal teacher hated my music. This was over twenty years ago at a high school in Scotland, I was doing teacher training practice when I drove into the teacher's car park playing "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. My supervising teacher was in the car park and told me that the music was inappropriate and she would fail me if I came in playing that sort of music again. I could play pop jazz, classical, anything but rock. No complaints about the volume, just the style of music. I was WTAF, this is not the 1950s. Cue my malicious compliance. For the rest of the time I was there I cranked the volume to full and came in playing all the loudest and bombastic Wagner I had, starting with "Ride of the Valkyries" running through the "Tannhäuser" Overture, sections of "Die Meistersinger von Nürnberg" and "Das Rheingold". One of the deputy headmasters asked why I was always blasting Wagner and chuckled when told my supervisory teacher had said no rock but I could play classical music. Perfect malicious compliance.

I just got the ability to understand what animals say so I went to the woods to see how it worked **I heard meowing in the bushes in front of me and was confused, until I saw a bird above me say “what’s that human doing?”**

So I met a Pirate... - Mobile user, please excuse phrasing. So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it. "Can I ask how you got the peg leg?". "Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying for land, when a giant shark came up out of the briny and took me leg clean off!" "WOW! That's quite a tale!" I said, "and what about you hand?" "Aye," he continued, "I was on the lower deck, inspecting the cannons, when a giant squid reached up through the porthole and tore me hand clean off!" "UNBELIEVABLE", I said, and I had to know more. "So what about your eye?" "Arr, twas not long after the squid, I was back on deck preparing to invade a small clipper ship, when a bird flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Wow and that cost you your eye?" "No, it was me first day with the hook..." Edit: Pirate lingo.

12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn't jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? Because she's dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can't talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it's a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a banana martini please." The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he's actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play... ...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game. After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies: "I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?" "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .." Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

My wife blocked me because I keep posting bird puns on reddit Well, toucan play at that game

I Forget the Name Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge. "Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk shows the other day. Boy, was it a hoot! But I can't seem to remember for the life of me what it was called." 'Here, describe it to me. Lets see if I can help," offers Tom. "Well, he was a big ol' middle aged man," Norman starts, "and he had a whole lotta' cars. Ah! I got it now! His name was.. well, shoot. What was his name? It was a bird of some sort." "A bird? Like a robin?" "No no, a blue bird. What are those small blue birds, Tom?" "A bluejay?" suggests Tom. "Yeah! Jay was his name. Jay Leno. Y'all should try him out sometime." "Well, you know what Norm. We went and saw ourselves a movie the other night, but darned if I've already forgot the name." "Come now, Tom, why don't you run it past me? Maybe I'll do some good." "Yeah, sure," says Tom. "Well... shit, let me see... Okay. What's the name of that flower, a common flower." "A dandelion?" suggests Norman. "No no. No it's a red one." "You mean a tulip?" "Naw come now, Norm. It's red and gots thorns all over it." "That'd be a rose, then." "A rose! Yeah, that's what it was, a rose!" exclaims Tom. He turns over his shoulder and cries "HEY ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE WE SAW THE OTHER NIGHT??"

My favorite clean joke A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground. Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground. This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him. The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.

A teacher asks her class... A teacher asks her class "if there are 5 birds sitting on a wall and you shoot one of them how many are left?" She calls on little johnny "none they all fly away at the first gunshot" the teacher replies "the correct answer is 4 but I like your thinking" then little johnny replies "now I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is delicately liking the sides of a triple scoop ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone and the third is biting of the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher blushes and replies "well I guess the one that is gobbling down top and sucking the cone" "the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking"

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle... There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why??? Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

The Frog I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next hole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog. That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, kiss me. Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room. Edit 1: It's ok, I fixed my spelling error! Threat neutralized!

An old couple gets in the mood. There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Cheap Parrot Cheap Parrot A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing. When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"

So a woman walks into a pet store... and sees a parrot on sale for 50 bucks. Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "I guess that's fine. I'll take him". So she brings the bird home and sets its cage up near the front door. When he knows what's going on he says, "new house, new madame!" The woman thinks to herself, "it came from a brothel, so I guess it's just learning". The woman's daughters get home from school and the bird says, "new house, new girls, new madame!". "It will just take time" she thinks. Then the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "hi Jeff!"

A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.” The man says, “Well, thank you. I forgive you.” The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?”

Jesus is watching you. = Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "Whats your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Thats a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

A pirate walks into a bar, and noticing that the pirate looks different than usual, the bartender asks him "What's up?" "Nothing much," says the pirate. "But your leg! What happened to it?" asks the bartender. "Ah, just a mishap while boarding a ship, when I slipped and it got eaten by a shark," explained the pirate. "But your hand! You've got a hook, where did did the hand go?" persists the bartender. "I lost it in a heated swordfight", says the pirate casually. "What about the eyepatch?" asks the curious bartender. Chuckling, the pirate replies, "Believe it or not, when I was cleaning the deck, a bird pooped right in my eye." The bartender is puzzled. "How do you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye?" "Well," says the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."

Primal fear clenched my gut when, strolling through the forest, every bird and insect fell completely silent. As I started whistling to distract myself, a swell of chirping, chittering, and buzzing resumed in perfect imitation of my tune.

Jesus is watching you A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’ ‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ ‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk? A dead bird.

There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most his time out on the Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks. One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show. Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks as to where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act. The bird would say, "The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe..." Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his "sun time." To put it mildly he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the Captain's he couldn't do anything about it. Late one night, the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive! As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around, what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log--his arch nemesis, the parrot! They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days and neither said a word, just glared. On the fourth day the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

I saw a pirate on the street the other day "Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?" "Aye, I be a pirate." "Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?" "It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off." "Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?" "During the mutiny, boy. My crew threw me overboard and the very same shark bit me hand off, too." "Oh man. And your eye patch?" "Bird poop." "Bird poop?" "Aye. A bird pooped in me eye, and it was the first day with me hook."

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.   Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers.”   At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented Hillary with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud Hillary then departed in her motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.   A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Hillary.   They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

did you hear about this giant bird that nobody would talk to ? it was ostrich-sized

TIL that seagulls were gods third attempt at creating birds. The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right...

I teach at a school for Birds, but we are not allowed to have Turkeys, Ducks, Geese, etc. as students. We don't tolerate Fowl language of any kind. 🤗

A man goes up to the leader of a circus A man goes up to the circus, and says to the leader of the circus "I can do great bird impressions." The leader of the circus says "That's nothing special, lots of people can do great bird impressions, so get out of here" The man says "ok" and flies away.

This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal." She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?" He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield." "How much damage did it do?" she asked. "Minimal, however I did get a ticket." "A ticket how did you get that?" "Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket." "What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?" "No, for flipping him the bird!"

My son turned 13 so I thought it was a good time to tell him about the birds and the bees. He thought it was a good time to tell me about my wife and the FedEx driver.

A man buys a parrot... And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him. In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The man waits a minute, then opens the door. The bird looks sorry, so he puts it back in the cage. "I'm terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won't be speaking as such anymore," the bird apologizes. "On a related note, what did the chicken do?"

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any bread?

A teacher asks her class A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking.

A little Johnny... One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think." Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one sucking it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

New research on dead crows! Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single crow could shout "Truck."

The Frozen Bird A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

A teacher is working on word problems with her students A teacher is working on word problems with her students and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy replies, "no, it's the one wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you think."

What's an author's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird. (Yes I know it's horrible :P)

A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help. She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird" Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

There was a couple that was married 50 years They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the man said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," she snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

Four Irishmen Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head straight to the bird section. Dermot nudges Pat and says, “Dat’s dem.” 🐦 The shop owner comes over. “Can I help ye?” Dermot says, “Yeah, we’ll take four o’ dem budgies up dere.” The owner boxes the birds, they pay, and off they go — driving to the top of Connor Pass. When they reach the edge of the 1,000-foot drop, Dermot says, “Dis looks like a grand place.” He puts a budgie on each shoulder… and jumps off the cliff. 🪂😳 The budgies fly away. Dermot doesn’t. He hits the bottom — stone dead. Pat shakes his head: “Fook dat. Dis budgie jumpin’ is too feckin’ dangerous.” BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE! Moments later, Seamus shows up with a cardboard box and a shotgun. “Watch dis, Pat!” He frees a parrot… then leaps off the cliff with the gun. Halfway down, he shoots the parrot, then continues plummeting until he smashes into the bottom. Pat sighs: “And I’m never tryin’ dat parrotshootin’ either…” STILL NOT DONE… Just as Pat’s recovering from losing two friends, Sean appears with a box… and a chicken. 🐔 Sean grabs the chicken by the legs and hurls himself off the cliff. Down he goes… until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Pat shakes his head once more: “Fook dat, lads. First Dermot with his budgie jumpin’… Den Seamus with his parrotshootin’… And now Sean and his feckin’ hen-glidin’!” 😂🪂🐔🤣

A bear climbs a tree.... a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?" the bear says "I came up here to eat apples." the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here." the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

If a Norwegian robot... If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.

Bird Impression A traveling sideshow puts up a help wanted ad. A guy gets all excited and applies. The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?" The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!" The owner responds, "Pff, no thanks. Plenty of people can do that." So the guy says "Oh..ok...well thanks anyway,' and flies away.

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4 Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just walk out on the water and make his shot. It lands on the green and he puts it in. Birdie. Moses steps up. He takes a shot. This one is going right into the center of the hazard. Moses raises his hands and parts the waters. The ball lands. Moses walks out and takes his shot. It lands on the green and he puts it in. Birdie. The bearded guy steps up to the tee. He takes his shot. It too is going straight into the water hazard. It heads straight for a lily pad with a frog on it. The frog sees the ball and thinks that it is a fly. It shoots out its tongue and swallows the ball. Right at that moment a hawk flies over and snatches the frog in it's talons and flies away. As it flies over the green the hawk squeezes tightly and the frog gasps dropping the ball out of its mouth. The ball falls from the sky straight into the hole. Hole-in-one. Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate playing with your dad."

2 blondes were walking along a beach when one said, "Look! A dead bird!" The other looked up.

Guy goes into a pet store, looking to buy a parrot... All the parrots were pretty expensive, except one. He asks the owner of the shop why is this one so cheap? It was a beautiful one to boot! the shop owner explains the the bird has a really dirty mouth and wants to get rid of it. The guy thinks to himself that he can teach it to be polite and not to curse anymore so decides to buy the parrot. When he get home with his new pet, the parrot starts calling him foul names, and will not stop no matter what the man tries. finally sick of the damn thing, the the man snatches the parrot up and puts him in the freezer. The parrot continues to curse and yell at the man for a few minutes, but then sudden stopped. No noise or anything, so the man feels so bad thinking he killed his parrot, he rushed to the freezer and swung it open as fast as he could! When he opened it the parrot calmly steps out and says, "I'm so sorry for calling you horrible names and spewing profanities, I promise I will never do it again." Shocked, the man just stared at the parrot and before he could think of anything to say the parrot says, "Sir, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?" :D

Little Johnny is goofing off in math class and Ms. McHeiney calls on him. "Johnny, three birds are sitting on a fence, you shoot one of them how many are left." Johnny sits up straight and says "none, the bang would make the others fly away." Ms. McHeiney says, "well, the answer is two, but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says "OK, I have one for you, three women are eating ice cream cones, one is biting it, one is licking it, one is sucking on it, which one is married?" Stumped Ms. McHeiney says "uhhhh, the one sucking on it?" Johnny puffs out his chest and says "well, the answer is the one with the wedding band, but I like the way you're thinking."

David received a parrot for his birthday The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

What's Afghanistan's National Bird? An American drone.

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working... ...and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth. The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?" "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

What kind of bird does not make babies? A swallow

The Crow Mystery Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...? Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...? What the fuck were they so excited about?

It was the end of the sixth day of the Creation and God summoned Adam and Eve. God: Adam, Eve, I have a very important decision for both of you to make. Throughout the day I have created the beasts of the land and have bestowed upon them traits and abilities. I have given flight to the birds, speed to the cheetah, the ability to breathe underwater to the fish of the sea, and so forth. Now I have only two traits left, one for each of you. You get to choose between yourselves which one you will take for your gender. Eve: So what do we have to choose from? God: The first is the ability to pee while standing up and the- Adam: OH OH OH! THAT ONE! I WANT THAT ONE! God: Very well. Adam, you and every man after you will urinate standing up. Eve you get multiple orgasms.

Whats the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is breaking the law, and the other is a sick bird.

A pirate talks with his captain... 'Captain, how did you get your peg leg?' 'Yarrr... Me ship sank. I was rescued, but not before a great white took me leg.' 'What about your hook hand?' 'Me ship was boarded. I repelled the bastards, but not before I lost me hand.' 'And what about your eye patch?' 'Yarrr... a bird shit in me eye.' 'I don't understand.... How did that cause you to lose an eye???' 'It was me first day with the hook!'

A Burglar Broke Into a House... A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle. The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird. He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving." The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?" "Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."

What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird

A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained. The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."

The man at the circus. A man is going to the circus to look for work. The man finds the manager in his caravan and asks him if he could get a job at the circus. Oh, so you're looking to join the circus then? Tell me, what can you do? I can mimic a bird, the man says proudly. Hah, scoffs the manager, every single person at this circus can mimic a bird, even the slow stable boy, that's not anything we'd want here at this circus. Oh well, says the man and flew out the window.

Norwegian Robot If a Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, then it… Scandinavian

The phone rings... "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane?? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man???" "The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!" "Yes, Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club." SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE......... "Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep trouble!!!"

What's the difference between Swine flu, and Bird flu? one requires 'oinkment' and the other needs 'tweetment'. i'm sorry.

The difference between a crow and a raven. A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.