100+ Bear Jokes

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'" "That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!" **EDIT: Thanks a lot to** u/Green_Justice710 **and the 5 anonymous redittors who have awarded me for this... thank you! I'm glad I could make you guys laugh!!** **EDIT 2: Thanks also to** u/darknep u/JMetcalf3 **and 5 other anonymous posters... you're too kind!! Thank you!** **EDIT 3: Just spent the last hour reading up on all the comments and appreciation... this thing really blew up, huh??? Well, you know what that means right?? More Edits, lol... thanks to u**[**/BlackBeard\_727**](https://www.reddit.com/user/BlackBeard_727) **u**[**/Hirsty\_92**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Hirsty_92) **u**[**/Cparman9**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cparman9) **u/**[**WeHaSaulFan**](https://www.reddit.com/user/WeHaSaulFan) **u**[**/Serg2778**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Serg2778) **u/**[**Official\_Vsauce**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Official_Vsauce) **u**[**/Jocombs**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Jocombs) **u/**[**throwRAnoitsmydog**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRAnoitsmydog) **u**[**/walmartlifer**](https://www.reddit.com/user/walmartlifer) **u/**[**GregHawkwind**](https://www.reddit.com/user/GregHawkwind) **u/**[**OneBraveBunny**](https://www.reddit.com/user/OneBraveBunny) **u**[**/reddit\_guy88**](https://www.reddit.com/u/reddit_guy88) **u/**[**PolarJumper**](https://www.reddit.com/user/PolarJumper) **u/**[**NetworkMick**](https://www.reddit.com/user/NetworkMick) **and the multiple anonymous redditors as well. Glad I could tickle your funny bones!! (;**

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was... At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island... He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this... One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say... She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him... "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok..." "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited... She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275: A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good." On his turn, the knight asks "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

Dead again.. During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I'm usually prebeared but ...

Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media. w**H**o the h**E**ll would be**L**ieve such a thing can hap**P**en.

A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke" The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"

"You Don't Sound Sick to Me" **Edit**: I am not an American. I used to work as a researcher in an in-bound call center. I loved the work, and the company was FANTASTIC when I started. But after 4 years they got bought out by a big international corp (a pretty standard hack and slash corp = buy up a profitable company, strip it of all assets, cut costs, slash quality, make good money until our well-deserved fantastic reputation is destroyed, then sell off and move on). Within weeks the company went from being fantastic to work for to just yet another shitty, tense work environment where the bosses take advantage of the employees. One quick example of how badly they nerfed the bonus structure - one particular bonus went from being able to earn up to a thousand extra dollars in 3 days to a single $50 Boston Pizza gift card. Previously all employees got paid varying bonuses under this scheme, but in the new system, only one person gets the gift card. And they had the nerve to get mad at us when the new, slap-in-the-face "bonus" failed to motivate anyone. I was good at my job, and not to brag but I was the most productive employee on the floor. We were given 15 PTO (Paid Time Off) days to use every year, which according to our employment contracts and company handbook were to be used for sick days, mental health days, and other personal reasons. No explanation was ever asked for, use them as and when you will. I always made sure to use up all my PTO by the end of the year as it didn't bank, previous management encouraged us to do so, and also there was no bonus for not using it. I followed the company rules, always gave plenty of notice, and only once left the team dangling with no notice (as I got seriously ill that time). The new management takes over and right away they start trying to intimidate us into not taking PTO. I hear a lot of this from my fellow employees, how when they call in the supervisors have started grilling them, challenging them, saying they "don't sound sick", etc. A lot of intimidation and bullying. So by the time I need to use a PTO day, I'm ready. I call in one day and tell them I won't be in tomorrow. They want to know "Why?", so I tell them I'm not feeling well. Their voice grows immediately cold, and they get a rude tone. "You don't sound sick to me". Being a smart-ass, I said, "Not even doctors try to diagnose illnesses over the phone" but they kept trying to push me. "Can you come in in the afternoon? You don't sound sick. You've been using a lot of sick days, way more than other employees." I got tired of being treated like a criminal for obeying the rules, so I got a recording app for my phone. I live in a one-party consent area so it's perfectly legal to record phone calls. Next time I felt sick I called in to work. Now they always began every call with a disclaimer "Thank you for calling XXX, for your information this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". I say hello, give them my name, and say "BTW, just so you know on my end, this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". Because I am recording the call, and I think it's only fair to let them know. The supervisor gives a perfunctory laugh, then says"So why are you calling in sick? You don't sound sick to me. I'll put you down as sick for the morning but you'll be in for the afternoon." I inform them that no, I am calling in for at least 1 day and will update if I don't feel better. She says "No, I'll put you down for half a day, you can call in again if you don't feel better." Once again I say no, restate my position, and tell them that is that. She gets really pissy and and starts insinuating that this might cause me to lose my job. "Why do you take so much more PTO than the other employees?" I take what my employment contract says I am entitled to. No more, no less. "Well, you should have a better team spirit, we'll have to review this with HR." Threatening tone, classical bullying playbook. I'm off the next day, come in for my following shift. "Go see HR". I sit down at Art's desk in HR (he's very much a corporate HR lapdog). He starts going on about how they're going to have to review my employment contract and consider whether or not going forward I am a "good fit" at XXX corp. Now in case I seem too calm in this scenario, bear in mind that, while I do prefer to remain at XXX for the time being, I do not care if they want to fire me. I'm very good at my job, I have had several job offers from competing companies, so the threat of being fired does not faze me. While Art is berating me, I take out my phone, and start playing the recording I made when calling in sick. Art stops, starts to get annoyed, then realizing he's listening to a recording of an employee verbally berating and intimidating a worker for exercising their contractual, legal rights. He excuses himself, and is gone for about 10 minutes, before returning, visibly angry but restrained. He tried to dress

HOA President wanted heat! I manage a NYC condo with central A/C that, once switched to winter mode, can’t go back to cooling until spring. NYC law requires heat starting October 1st, but October swings from chilly to unseasonably warm, so we usually wait for a real cold stretch before turning it on. Tenants were fine with this for years — one chilly day was better than being unbearably hot for ten. Last year, the board president lost it over a slightly chilly day towards the middle of October . She sent an email demanding we turn on the heating system immediately and that going forward, the heat must always be on by October 1st — she didn’t care if other units would be uncomfortably warm and that she’s the board president, & she should be comfortable in her unit. This year, we followed her orders , on October 1st — heat on. At the annual meeting, tenants were furious. They wanted to know why a system that had worked for years was suddenly “broken.” The president started chewing me out forgetting her email the previous year. Not wanting to deal with her nonsense, I got the green light from my boss to pull up her own email on the projector. Her exact words, her exact demands. She went pale and, for the first time ever, had nothing to say. She lost her position in the election. Her replacement was very happy we called her out, and we renewed our contract for five more years

Why didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.

A bear goes into a bar he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. he then calmly orders a beer bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here" bear: "but I don't do drugs" bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

During a funeral... The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A bear joke An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

A small geographical difference An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928. The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting. The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!" Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this *isn't* a 1928 Mouton?" The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!" The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are *exactly* the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village." Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

A bear and a rabbit are conscripted into the army, and waiting for their medical checkup. The rabbit says to the bear, “listen, I really don't want to go to war. Can you just kick me in the leg, so that when I go in to see the doctor I've got a limp?” The bear says “sure. But can you do the same for me when you come out? I don't want to fight either.” The rabbit agrees and the bear kicks him in the leg. It's a good kick— the rabbit only just manages to keep himself from falling over or crying out— and when he goes into the doctor's office he is, indeed, noticeably limping. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can't use you. Not with that leg” and sends him home. When the rabbit comes out, he returns the favour and kicks the bear in the leg. Unfortunately, however, the bear is a bear and the rabbit is a rabbit— the kick doesn't even hurt. The rabbit tries kicking him again, harder. Tries punching him, biting him, even hitting him with one of the waiting room chairs. By the time the bear gets called in for his check up, the rabbit has spent a good ten or fifteen minutes beating him up all over, and the most he's managed to do is give him a light nosebleed. Sadly, the bear thanks him for doing what he could, and heads in to see the doctor. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can't use you.” The bear, thrilled but surprised says “what? Because I've got a bloody nose?” And the doc says “no. Because that nurse over there says she just saw you get your ass handed to you by a limping rabbit.”

My son loves to pretend to be a doctor, using up hundreds of Band-aids on his teddy bear. After the bee stung me, he excitedly dug the Epipen from my purse and said, “I’ve been practicing with this, Mommy!”

There's a shipwreck. The only survivors are some random guy, called , and Scarlett Johansson... As it says in the title... there's a shipwreck. The only survivors are some random guy, called Fred, and Scarlett Johansson. Yes, THE Scarlett Johansson. They do all the basic survival things, build a shelter, get a fire going etc. They both turn out to have pretty good skills. Eventually Ms Johansson starts to fall for the guy, and they become lovers. Their sex life is INCREDIBLE. Nothing is off limits. For a while, our hero is the happiest guy in the world. Then, as time goes on, and the prospect of rescue seems as remote as ever, he starts to fall into a bit of a depression. Totally in tune with him Scarlett asks if there's anything at all she can do to brighten his mood. After a lot of cajoling, he says... "well there is *one* thing... but it's a bit embarrassing..." she insists she's extremely broad minded, and nothing would embarrass her. "Ok" Fred says. "I want you to go to the far end of the beach. I want you to strap your breasts down so I can't see them. I want you to tie your hair back and hide it under this hat (handing her a man's hat). I want you to get some charcoal from the fire, and make a pretend beard on your face. I want you to dress in the mens clothes that we so handily salvaged from the wreck. In short, I want you to play the most demanding acting role of your life. A man. An Australian man named Bruce. I want you to pretend you are Bruce to me, and when you are convinced you can carry that off... start walking down the beach towards me..." A bit nonplussed, but eager to please, Ms Johansson does exactly as requested. Prepared herself as 'Bruce' and starts walking down the beach towards Fred. Fred, who's been waiting eagerly starts running towards 'Bruce' a HUGE grin on his face. 'Bruce' sticks out his hand and says "G'day mate, pleased to meet you – I'm Bruce" Fred responds with "Never mind that mate... you'll NEVER guess who I've been fucking!"...

My young patient begged me to listen to her stuffed bear’s heart, so I humored her and pressed my stethoscope against its chest. My own heart froze when I heard a steady thump, thump, thump.

The Chicago Bears

I graciously accepted my fan’s gift as they handed me a cute stuffed bear at the meet and greet, telling them I would treasure it forever. But at home, my heart broke and my stomach dropped because as my young dog tore it up, an AirTag fell out.

[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping. Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror. The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina. W: So Doc, what's the problem with me? Dr: You should stop drinking before going to bed, that's all. W: Then why the hell did you make me do that? Dr: Oh, I just wanted to see how'd I look with a beard.

Bonnie had a reputation for being nasty, which followed her all the way to the gates of St. Peter. “You said some pretty awful things to your husband,” says St. Peter. “Like when he bought that sharp-looking hat.” “I’m sorry,” says Bonnie, “but that thing made his ears look enormous.” St. Peter shakes his head. “And the skinny jeans? He’s got the legs for it.” “I’m sorry,” she says, “but I can’t get past his bony knees.” He sighs. “And the beard? Big fans up here.” She shakes her head. “Look,” says St. Peter, “if you expect to get past these gates, we’ll need a genuine apology.” Bonnie takes a breath. “I’m sorry.” “Good,” says St. Peter. “…but with feet like that, you shouldn’t wear open-toed sandals.”

Fire me for driving too fast at 15 kph then tell me to drive back the district office? You got it boss!! Tl;dr fired by raging boss, MC extra $300, show up a week later in different job and new boss keeps me in old bosses face after finding out why. Gonna be kinda long one but I have an MC and a pro revenge in one. A friend reminded me of this when talking about all the forest fires burning in Canada right now. In the late 80s I got a job with the Ministry of Natural Resources driving to support fighting forest fires. Great job, just over double minimum wage (major bonus @ 19) and they had no limit to the number of hours you could work. Fire season started early & by mid May I was supporting one that was (I think, long time ago) 3-400 hectares and growing quickly (1 hectare = 2.5 acres). Back then I think the whole district was around around 100 000 sq. km (think all of Indiana), so there was a lot of driving. One day I get to the on site hq and get told to wait while they found me a return load. Little later I am told to go to the helicopter staging area to pick up the fire boss (FB). (To preface, the road was shit) I pick him and a few others up and make my way back. Half way there I hit a deep pot hole and the FB just loses it. Starts bellowing about goddamned kids speeding, no respect etc. For the 5 minutes it takes to get back. I found out on the way there that going to fast was not a good deal so made sure to not go faster than 15 kph (9 mph). As soon as we get to base camp slams his way out of the truck a screams 'YER FIRED'!! Get back to district and have them process you!! OK, Fuck you very much sir. We were deep, deep in the bush. I don't know how deep but it took me close to 7 hours to get there. Cue Malicious Compliance I grabbed 2 20l gas cans (5 gallons) and set off. Real, real slow. If 15 kph was to fast for these roads then the proper speed was obviously however fast the truck went at idle (unless there was a hill, I'm wasn't a monster). It took 22 hours to reach the first paved road and then I set the cruise control 5 kph below the limit and went to get fired. Extra $300ish ya me. I process out and I meet one of the guys (call him crew boss CB)who taught the level 1 forest fire fighter course I took before I got hired to drive. We got along well but there only 2 new full time hires that year and none on his crew. He had just come with one of his guys who broke his leg and was going to personnel to find someone new. I was quickly hired on as his 4th. 2 hours later I'm being driven to meet his crew at a fire. Couple says later that fire is declared out and we are off to a new fire. Yup. The fire I was fired from. Kinda revengish but it get better. Cue pro revenge. CB it turns out is besties with FB so FB has our crew as the initial response crew. This meant that we spent a lot of time riding in the helicopter with FB and responding to jump fires that would take minimal time to deal with. It took a week before he recognized me and I watched out the corner of my eye, something I thought was only in books or said as an exaggeration. This guy went from pink to red to actually turning purple. I couldn't hear what was being said but I see the skittle flowing out as he yelled into headset and I got some major side eye from CB for the rest of the flight. When CB asked about it later and I explained including the drive back he almost passed himself. Turns out (surprise), FB has a long history of exploding over nothing and taking it out on the nearest poor bastard. He ended up firing 2 more guys over the same thing and likely the same pothole. So CB knew what he was like but they got along really well. Turns out he also really liked poking the bear. For the rest of that fire CB made sure I was seated so I was the first person he saw if he looked over his shoulder. On a later fire our crew got admin duties and CB was FB's #2. I got to be as CB put his helper monkey and FB's jock itch. The rest of the crew knew so there wasn't any friction and they got a kick out it. It was a great summer and I worked for CB 3 more summers through Uni. Always went back with Great stories, really nice money (I collected unemployment during school not sure if it was legal but no one said anything and pretty sure time has run out any way) in amazing shape but with a really weird tan.

Immortality does not dull the pain of being eaten by a mother bear nor spare you the darkness that comes from eyes being ripped from your skull. You just slowly lose yourself as you merge with cubs drinking their mother's milk, flowers fertilized with her droppings, and a river made slightly larger with her urine.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. Suddenly, they see a fairy tied to a tree.. They both stop, look a the fairy and decide to help her out. They go over to untie her. Thankful for being rescued, the fairy offers them each three wishes. Bear immediately shouts: *“I wish I was the only male bear in the area! That’s sure to get me some ladies”* Rabbit thinks for a moment, and says: *“I’ve always wanted to be rich, make me a millionaire!”* The bear, still thinking with his little head, says: *“Actually, I wanna be the only male bear in the country, all the ladies will want a piece of me”* Rabbit doesn’t take long for his next wish, says he wants a brand new motorcycle, along with some gear. The bear, horny bugger that he is, decides that for his last wish he might as well go big: *“What the hell, Make me the only male bear in the world!”* The fairy obliges, and asks the rabbit what he would like his last wish to be. Rabbit puts on his gear, gets on his new Harley, smirks, and says: *“I wish the bear was gay”*

A CIA agent, an MI6 agent, and a KGB agent are walking through a forest.. They end up arguing about which service has the most skilled intelligence officers. As they argue, a little rabbit runs across the path in front of them. This gives them an idea for how they can settle it. They'll catch the rabbit. Then, for each agent, they'll set it free, and see how long it takes him to track it down and bring it back. The American goes first. They set the rabbit free, then wait 5 minutes, then he goes chasing after it. He puts on his heat-sensing goggles, calls in a surveillance drone on his phone, and finds it in no time. He comes back with the rabbit 10 minutes later, and hasn't even broken a sweat. Then the Brit. Without the American's fancy gadgets, he has to use his best tracking skills, and some logic and deduction to guess where the Rabbit might go. Eventually he comes back with it, a bit out of breath and covered in mud, 20 minutes later. Then the Russian. He runs off into the forest. The other agents wait, first 10 minutes, then 20, then an hour. Just as they're about to give up and go home, a bear stumbles out into the forest clearing in front of them. It's not in a good way: bloody and bruised, with a big black eye. Astonished, they watch as it walks up to them, followed by the KGB agent with his rifle. He pokes the bear with it. "Go on. Tell them what you told me." The bear looks up miserably. "I'm a rabbit. My parents were rabbits."

No heat for you Not sure if this was malicious. But back when I was a field tech, one of my custoemers was a tall office building. Purchasing was often super stingy approving maintanance and custodial quotes. It was always a fight. There was some repair work being done on the HVAC (Heating/Cooling) system and one of the maintenance personnel asked the contractors to add a couple of extra shutoff valves leading to the executive floor. Whenever purchasing would deny an HVAC maintanance request, one of the support staff would go into a crawlway and throttle the ball valve to the executive loop back by about 60%. This would restrict the flow just enough to make the executive floor too cold or too hot. When one of the big wigs would complain, maintenance would just reply with "well, we need a new bearing assembly (or whatever). We put a quote in last week and we just are waiting for purchasing to approve it. But I'll see what I can do today." An hour or so later, the quote qould be approved and a few hours after that, the valve would be opened back to almost full. Then opened completely when the new whatever arrived.

An atheist runs in to a bear while hiking in the woods An atheist is hiking in the woods when suddenly a huge bear pops out from behind a bush. Right as the bear is about to attack, time freezes and god appears. God says, “you have spent your whole life as an atheist. But if you finally believe in me and become a Christian I will stop the bear from eating you.” The man say, “that’s really nice of you, but I don’t really believe in a higher power.” God: all you have to do is believe your eyes and accept me in your heart. Man: that’s just to hard for me to do. I mean science has already answered how we came about through evolution. Not only that, but with all the bad things happening in the world right now, it’s just too difficult to believe that there is a god. I’m sorry but I just can’t do it. God: are you sure? I will give you one more opportunity to believe in me. Man: as I said, not thanks. God: ok you have made your choice… Man: wait… how about you make the bear a Christian instead? And then he will have morals. God: very well. After god left, time restarted. The bear suddenly stopped and the man started to believe that his plan to save himself had worked. The bear knelt down. Bear: thank you god for this meal I am about to receive.

American tourists visit Russia ... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives. Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods. The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite. Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

The CIA, GIGN and KGB...... are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

An atheist was walking through the woods. An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It w ould be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

That was un-bear-able. 😂

ASM gives me more work and it backfires spectacularly So I work at Home Depot as a lot associate. My main job duties involve collecting carts from the lot and being on call to help customers load heavy items into their vehicles. Since I’m typically the only lot person scheduled during my shift, this means I’m running back and forth trying to help customers and get carts. It really is a job that needs two people (one on each end of the store), but it’s just me. Now I can usually handle this, but when I’m assigned other projects on top of that, it’s too much. On one such day, the head cashier (supervisor) who we’ll call Karen (usually a nice lady, but has Karen tendencies as you will see) told me that Kyle (ASM) had such a project for me. He wanted me to clean out an area at the side of the store and move a bunch of carts there. This was going to take at least a couple of hours because the area was such a mess. And since this was during the summer when the store was busier than usual, I would be constantly interrupted with loading calls and trying to maintain the lot. This is where the malicious compliance comes in. Kyle wanted me to focus on cleaning that area which I did. It ended up taking 5 hours (bear in mind that I also answered several loading calls during that time). The problem? I didn’t spend any of that time collecting carts so after those 5 hours, the lot was a huge mess of carts scattered about. Karen was not happy about it (as she gets really picky about the lot being free of carts). But I looked her dead in the eye and told her that I was just doing what her and Kyle told me to do. I then went on lunch while associates from other departments had to round up all the carts. After that, Kyle never asked me to take on other projects.

What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude

Today i learned that in order to open a zoo, you must have at least 4 pandas, 2 grizzlies, 3 black, 4 brown and 1 polar. Apparently that’s the bear minimum

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder... ...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb. After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said. He decided that he was definitely not drunk enough for this so he continued climbing. Soon after he saw another woman lying on the cloud, this time slightly thinner and with average looks. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said. Noticing the pattern, Harry climbs further and sees an attractive woman with a good figure. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said. Getting excited, he continued climbing. On the next cloud was the most stunning woman he had ever seen - perfect body, slim curves, full set of gorgeous breasts - the lot. "Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success," she breathed seductively. Despite the beauty of this woman, Harry's greed got the better of him and he continues climbing. "The next one will have to be Aphrodite or the like," he thinks to himself. Suddenly a latch locks behind Harry and he is trapped inside a dark room. An enormous 6 ft 5, 120kg biker-looking bloke with a full set of tattoos and a great bushy beard stands up and starts walking towards him menacingly. "Who the fuck are you?!" Harry asks. The man grins and replies "I'm Cess."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi... ...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes. The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear". The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him." The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands. "Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

What did the pirate say when he turned 81? Nothing. He stood alone and sobbed uncontrollably, wishing that he could exchange all of his loot to get back the family and friends who all died long before him. Unable to bear his sorrows for another lonely year, the old pirate kicked the stool out from underneath himself and smiled for the first time in years. He would see them again soon.

I got in an casual argument with a grizzly bear once, made him so angry he started to turn white. I stopped immediately... ...as it was clear he found the issue polarising. (I'm so proud to have made this one up, I credit it to becoming a dad 9 weeks ago)

A bear walks into a bar The bartender says "what will It be ?" The bear says "A shot of whisky and .............a bear " The bartender adds "whats whit the Big pause " The bear says "Sorry my father died yesterday "

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, and Captain Blackbeard walk into a bar... The Muslim, the Jew and the Christian are moderate practitioners of their respective faiths, so they permit themselves to drink, but not to excess. Captain Blackbeard is not a member of their party, and drinks himself into a stupor with an extraordinary amount of rum. Hours later, he is arrested for piracy by the local port authority.

An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party... Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly: An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up medication for her sick husband. When she got back to the car, she found she’d locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his bike and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my husband is sick and was in such a rush I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man." The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in for car theft." The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent a professional!”

Man walks into a pub and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness,” “... because the bats will get you". Confused by this, he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing; "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you". He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same mantra over and over again; "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you". He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it's the end of him. He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing Until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanour having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it's now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured. Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again. He lifts the pint to his lips, then the bats got him.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

Guy walks into a bar The bartender goes, "Hey, you're a Muslim, aren't you?" The guy goes, "Yeah, how could you tell?" The bartender says, "Well, okay, so, I know this is 2020 and everything and we're all trying to be really politically correct and not assume things, but I'm still somewhere on the curve, and I'm learning, but, well, you've got brown skin, a beard, and I could overhear you speaking in either Urdu or Arabic outside, so, yeah, I assumed. I'm sorry. Was that racist?" The guy says, "Since Muslims aren't a race, that wasn't racist. But that was you stereotyping, which in most circumstances wouldn't have been cool, but I've had a really long day and I couldn't give a damn. Can you pour me a beer please?" The bartender says, "Forgive me, but isn't drinking prohibited in your religion?" The guy says, "Well, yes, but I thought we were in America." The bartender says, "You're right. You're right. You can drink here. But I'm just wondering, like, I don't know much about that culture and that lifestyle. Will you feel guilty after drinking this beer?" The guy says, "I've drank beer plenty of times. You see, I'm what you might call a moderate Muslim. I'm not perfect. I've had premarital relationships with a couple of girls. I've eaten the odd pork pie every now and then. And on weekends I drink. I'm a Muslim, but I'm also very much a citizen of the Western world, where these things are okay. Does that answer your question?" The bartender says, "So I do not have to feel guilty about pouring you this here beer?" The guy smiles. "About as guilty as you'd feel for pouring the same drink to a Jewish person, a Christian, or a Hindu." The bartender smiles back and hands him the glass. The guy takes a sip and smacks his lips. "Thank you for this. I've had a really long day. There's this MERN stack app that I've been developing, and it's been really taxing. I haven't slept in more than eighteen hours." The bartender says, "You're a web developer?" "Yes," the guy says. "And I drive Lyft on the side to supplement my income. I'm not really that great of a web developer." "So where are you from?" The bartender asks. "North Carolina," the guy says. "No, I meant, like, where are you really from? Like where did your family come from?" The guy frowns a bit and takes another sip from his glass and puts it down on the bar. "Now that I mind. Why would you think we came from anywhere?" "Oh, I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that I was wondering where your family immigrated from," the bartender says. His face is a bit flushed. "That's all right. Okay, so I was born here. In North Carolina. Born and raised in Raleigh. My dad moved here from Pakistan. He's a systems engineer. My mom's from India. She'd come here for her Master's. Does that answer your question?" "Pretty much. So you're an American," the bartender says. "As much as you are," the guy says and raises his glass. "I'll drink to that," the bartender says and clinks his shot glass with the guy's. Later when the guy takes out his wallet from his pocket to pay, the bartender shakes his head and says, "It's on the house. And listen, my friend, I'm a democrat. I would have voted for Obama a third time. And I'm not Islamophobic or xenophobic at all. You're welcome here anytime." The guy smiles and shakes the bartender's hand and says, "Only if you let me pay for the drinks from now on. I'm not one to trigger your white guilt for free drinks." "This is dialogue. We need more dialogue like this to heal our country, to bring people together. You know?" the bartender says. "You're very right, sir," the guy says and tips his cap to the bartender. Guy walks out of the bar. ​ Edit: Oh my God, thank you everyone for your overwhelmingly awesome response. The comments made my day, this is the most upvoted any post of mine has ever gotten, and I got my first award! Thank you u/kirkaug for the award. Very cool. You're all awesome. This was the best day of my life.

Two scientists walk in a bar. The first one says "I'd like some H2O". The second scientist hesitated for a moment. He knew he was not naturally witty and his research partner often stole the spotlight, but he realized it was his time to shine. In a flash, he remembered the classic joke that would take place in this very similar situation. He pictured it immediately : "And I'd like some H2O too !" he would say, proud of himself, possibly getting a few genuine laughs from the people around the bar, maybe even for this cute girl he saw in the corner of his eye when he entered. But he didn't. Instead, he considered the odds of failing, and the consequences. To him, failing meant looking stupid to everyone around, even though, for a very long time, he was looking for someone to tell him how funny he thought he was. What he just wanted was to be validated, maybe even appreciated by some. I mean, a man can dream, right ? Seemingly lost in his thoughts, the second scientist eventually came to realize that an excruciatingly long time of four seconds had passed since his colleague placed his order. This realization from the second scientist hit him even harder when he saw the part-time bartender, looking at him in the eyes. "What am I even doing ?" he thought to himself. It was time to act, at last. Time, however, was against him. 5 seconds had passed now. Is it too late to go back and still make this joke ? I mean, it could be still be funny. Oh god, but what if it's not, and he makes even more a fool of himself by wasting everyone's time just to reference that shitty joke he heard once ? Yes, shitty. That's how he was describing the joke now. The second scientist had now started to make excuses. He knew, but at the same time, didn't want to admit that he was pathetic, so he blamed it on the joke, which was shitty now, apparently. What did this joke even do to him ? Potentially making him look like a moron, that's what. Six seconds. There was no turning back. The second scientist could not bear the pressure any longer. But somehow, he did, as his order was still not coming up. It was like he forgot how to breathe. By the second, he was feeling more and more uncomfortable. A distracted eye was now looking at the girl in the bar. She looked disgusted at him, because he was stupid and unfunny. Well, actually, she was just looking over the bar with a neutral expression and without thinking about anything in particular, but what the second scientist thought she was thinking made more sense, considering how much of a pathetic guy he is. Eventually, the concern reached his colleague, who directed a "Hmm ?" towards the second scientist, in an attempt to free him from the despair that was eating him alive. At that moment, he snapped, but only partially. With all the little amount of mental strength he has, he tried to rely on his human instincts to find a solution to his issue. "Uuhhh" he managed to say, still facing the bartender. YES ! Now that is a step forward. Feeling proud of the way he managed to reset his awkward silence timer, the second scientist was now at least 10% at peace, and resumed thinking about his order. But this time, even if he managed to take the joke out of his head, a feeling of crippling anxiety came to knock at his brain's door for his hourly visit. In the second that followed, he analysed all the shit he just went through. The scenario he made in his head. The fact that no one likes him because he's a disgusting loser. The fact that everyone was waiting for him to answer, but he couldn't. What the hell was even wrong with him, honestly ? Focus. Focus on your order. End this for good, right now. That's what he told himself. So he focused. But he realized that he did not know what drink he even wanted in the first place. After a short session of telling himself how much he sucked for the 142nd time of the day, he took the initiative and gave himself the objective of always thinking of his order before entering a bar. Little did he know, he would realize 2 days later that he did not enforce this new rule at all, which would trigger his 89th session of telling himself how much he sucked for that day. In a halo of holy light, literal savior sent by the gods, a person stepped up and gave him a helping hand. But that person was not a saint, he was simply the part-time bartender, who was thinking that he doesn't get paid enough to deal with weird customers like the second scientist. "Do you want some water too, sir ?" The problem was cut down to a much simple one : answering the question. It was pretty much the same thing as the initial situation, but he did feel relieved. He also realized that the bartender knew immediately what H2O means. But then again, everyone knows what H2O means, right ? No. NO. STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS GOD DAMN JOKE. It was not the time for indecision. He saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Like a merciful blessing, he finally knew how to answer. He felt it. T

What has four legs but cannot walk? A paralyzed bear.

A hunter gets a new gun... So a hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it. He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots the bear dead. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder... The man turns around and sees this huge brown bear and the bear says "That bear you shot was my friend, so the way I see you got two options, either you let me have sex with you or I maul you to death." Now, the hunter doesn't want to die so he lets the bear have his way, and afterwards he waddles home and doesn't tell anyone. Then next year comes around and he's gaining his confidence back so the hunter goes back into the woods and stumbles upon a brown bear. He gets his gun and shoots the bear dead when he feels a tapping on his shoulder. The man turns around and sees a giant kodiak bear who says, "That brown bear was my friend so the way I see it either you let me have rough sex with you or I maul you to death." Again, the man doesn't want to die so he lets the bear have his way and waddles home not telling anyone. Next year comes around and the man is gaining his confidence again so he goes out and eventually finds a kodiak bear. So the man takes his gun and shoots the bear dead when he feels a tap on his shoulder. The man turns around and finds an enormous grizzly bear, and the bear says, "Let's be honest, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

My Dad's bear story. A long time ago, my Dad worked on the Canadian Geographic Survey, which took him into the Rocky Mountains. He told me this story about it. Dad: I was working with my coworker all day, and then we returned to camp and started cooking dinner. The smell must have carried on the wind, and attracted the wildlife, because I turned around, and there was a full grown Grizzly Bear in the middle of the camp! Me: :-O What did you do? Dad: I picked up some shit, and threw it right in his face! Me: uhhhh... where'd you get the shit? Dad: It was right there in my pants!

A bear walks into a bar. "The usual, Mr. Grylls?", asked the bartender.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables: Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly from fixture to fixture, the altitude of defective bulb must first be determined upon which point the lawyer or lawyers shall at their option choose an appropriate means of elevation including but not limited to a chair, stepstool, table, or ladder; Whereas the height of said means of elevation may require support depending upon the altitude, trajectory, and any encumbrances including but not limited to furniture, stairs, load bearing members, and columns; and Whereas the bulb must be disposed of depending on the type of bulb in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes; The answer to the aforementioned question can only be answered in one way. It depends.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club... A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital. As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred. However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be turned up, so it goes up to 20%. Again, he says the pain is bearable and more or less non-existent, so it goes up to 50%. Eventually, the pain transfer gets turned up to 100%, and the husband is coping very well, allowing his wife to have a pain free child birth. "This is so easy!" he says. Eventually, a healthy, adorable baby is born, and they get to take it home. They drive the whole way back smiling. They pull into their driveway and go to the front door, only to find the postman, dead on the doorstep.

A bearded guy A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards. He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.

Upon finding that missing boy’s teddy bear in the woods, my daughter explained that the “starlight people” had traded it to her. When my wife came rushing in, screaming that our youngest wasn’t in his crib, my daughter added, “They also said we’d never have to hear him cry again.”

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

A hunter goes into the forest He sees a bear and fires at it, but misses. The bear is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says, "You tried to kill me, either I'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chose life. He goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. He sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. The bear recognizes the hunter and says, "You know the choices." The hunter, after being fucked again, brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. He finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin. "You don't come here for hunting, do you?

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.

A man calls his home while on a business trip. (I translated this joke from my native language so bear with me) An unfamiliar voice answers the phone. Man: "Who is this?" Answer comes, "A am the maid." Man: "What? there was no maid when i left a couple of days ago." Maid: "I was hired yesterday and started working just today. You are the madam's husband?" Man: "Yes. Where's my wife? Tell her i need to talk to her." Maid: "I'm afraid sir, she is in her room with another man." Man: "What are they doing?" Maid: "By the sounds of it they are making love." Man: "It hasn't even been a whole week that i left and she has already started bringing home her lovers? Listen, kill them both and i'll give you $20000." Maid: "But sir, i might get in trouble for this." Man: "Don't worry. I have high influence in the police department. i will not let you go to jail. Just get the biggest knife from the kitchen and hack them to pieces." Hearing this, the maid leaves the phone on hold, goes to the kitchen and grabs the biggest knife she can find, then enters the bedroom and kills both of them. She returns to the phones and asks, "I killed them both. Now what?" Man: "Just hide their body in the basement. I'll deal with it when i return." Maid: "But we live in an apartment building. There is no basement here." Man: "Oh! sorry. Wrong number."

Why wouldn't you hire bears from Australia? Because they don't have the necessary koalafications.

Read this in a playboy magazine years ago. A married couple was invited to a masked Halloween ball. On the night of the party, the wife had a headache and told her husband to go to the event alone. Reluctantly, he agreed. He put on his bear costume, grabbed the head piece and left. The wife fell asleep and woke up an hour later feeling great so she decided to go to the party after all. It occurred to her that, since her husband didn't know what costume she was wearing, she'd be able to see how he behaved when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she spotted her husband in his bear costume flirting with every woman in sight. She approached him, wanting to see just how far he would go, and after a few drinks he propositioned her. They went into the bathroom and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, the wife slipped away and went home. She was sitting up in bed fuming when her husband returned. She asked about his night. He said, "Oh, it was the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Really?" she said, getting angry. "You didn't meet anyone interesting?" He replied, "I didn't talk to anyone new. It was pretty boring. The guys and I went into the spare room and played poker all night." She said, "You must have been uncomfortable wearing your bear costume playing poker." Her husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my dad."

Blonds in the woods There were three blonds walking through the woods, when they come across some tracks. "These are bear tracks" said the first blond, "No, these are deer tracks" sais the second, "You two are both wrong, these are wolf tracks" said the third, They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

I have just found out, to start a zoo, you need 2 pandas, 2 grizzlies, 3 polars and a koala. Apparently this is the bear minimum.

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds. Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay,' he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

What an answer A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi, where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!” “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice… “Oh really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!” The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth. That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”

"The game is simple, find your way outside while blindfolded." I laughed as I heard the other frat members swear as they kept triggering the mouse and rat traps I set, and I really couldn't wait until one of them reached the bear trap...

A 97 year old man is in his hospital bed, close to death. His wife of nearly 70 nears is beside him, holding his hand... He begins to speak softly. "You know Mildred, when I went off to war in 1943 and lost one of my legs, you were there for me. When I lost my job in 1957 down at the factory, you were there for me. In the spring of 1961 when I was out hunting and was accidentally shot in my groin by my best friend, you were there for me. Later on that day when I was walking back to the truck and got my good foot caught in a bear trap and had to have it removed, you were there for me. When I accidentally started rolling down a hill in 1985 in my wheelchair and broke my neck, you were there for me. In 1998 when we won the Powerball jackpot of $450 million but I accidentally burned the ticket up while lighting a cigarette, you forgave me and were again there for me. And of course last week when I fell down in the backyard and broke my hip and ribs, you were there for me. Come to think of it Mildred, you've been a great supportive wife. Thanks."

Bear hunting in canada An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada. As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer's brother-in-law whole! The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says "Quick! Shoot him, but be careful, my brother-in-law's inside his belly!" The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off. The American falls to his knees, looking at the Canadian and asking "Why did you shoot the wrong bear?" The ranger scoffs and says "Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?"

When a fly drops 5 inches A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops. A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps. A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it. A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it. A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it. So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water. The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.

A city bus driver is doing his route. After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

Three blondes were walking through a forest... Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came across a set of tracks. They stopped, bewildered, wondering what animal could have made them. The first blonde says, "I know, those are moose tracks." The second blonde goes, "no, those are bear tracks." The third blonde says, "guys, those are definitely wolf tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. He approaches her and dishes out a few pick up lines trying to score with her. The nun is shocked and appalled and gets off the bus immediatly. The bus driver saw the whole spectacle and calls the guy over to him. He says "I know that nun. I see her every night while driving my route. Every night she is at the graveyard, praying. If you really want to have sex with her, just dress up as jesus, go there at night and tell her she HAS TO have sex with you!" "Sounds like a solid plan" thinks the guy and decides to go through with it. He dresses up as jesus, goes to the graveyard and finds the nun there. He approaches her and says "Behold! It is I, Jesus Christ! I order you to have sex with me!". The nun looks suprised and flustered and says "Of course my lord! Whatever you say! But could we please do it anally? I want to preserve my virginity." "Even better!" thinks the guy, and they proceed to have sex like wild animals. After they are finished the guy jumps up laughing, rips off his fake beard and says "Ha! Got you! I'm not jesus! I'm that guy from the bus!" The nun replies "Ha! Got you! I'm not the nun! I'm the bus driver!"

A Panda Walks Into A Bar A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.

A caveman and a bear walk into a bar. The barman asks, "What's your story?" The caveman starts thinking then says, "Bear with me."

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..

A Bear and A Rabbit Walking Through the Woods A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a magic lamp. Rabbit rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "You know the drill," he says. "You both get three wishes. What's it gonna be?" Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the entire forest were *lady bears*." And poof, it's done. Rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." And one appears in his paws. Bear says, "I wish all the other bears on this continent were *lady bears.*" And so it's done. Rabbit says, "I wish for an electric scooter." And the genie makes it appear. Then the genie says, "All right, time for your last wish. What does your heart *really* desire?" Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the whole *world* were *lady bears.*" And then Rabbit straps on his helmet, gets on his scooter, powers it up and says: "I wish Bear was gay."

A miracle at the funeral During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban.... He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off. Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out." Boss: " So what are you saying....?" Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

Don't retire in Alaska. Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.  Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.  He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.  He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come.  About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops.  "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin." "Not a problem" says Tom.  "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.  "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.  I'll be there, thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.  "I've been all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter ... just gonna be the two of us."

Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island... ...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray every Sunday. But after a little while, everyone gets, well, restless. To be blunt, they're all horny and have no sexual outlets. Being devoutly religious people, pre-marital sex is out of the question. So, they come up with a system. The woman marries one of the men for a week, then gets a divorce and marries the other man for a week. They just go back and forth like this. This way, each of the guys get seven days full of sex every other week, and the girl gets laid whenever she wants. This situation works out great, and their three-person community is thriving. But after eight months of this, the woman gets bit by a poisonous snake and dies. The first week is really rough. The second week is even worse. The third week is just plain terrible. The fourth week is practically unbearable. So on the fifth week, they decide to bury the body.

Man walks into a pub and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bartender "I can't give you a pint of Guinness” “... because the bats will get you". Confused by this, he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing; "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you". He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same thing over and over again; "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you". He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it's the end of him. He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanour having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it's now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured. Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again. He lifts the pint to his lips, then the bats got him.

A rabbi, bishop, and islamic priest... **Edit**: Changing the title to... ###An orthodox priest, a bishop, and a Rabbi ...are arguing over whose religion is the best. The bishop says, "We should convert the fiercest bear we can find to our religion, for only the best religion should help be able to convert such a ferocious animal." The next day they set out to prove themselves. After a few hours the bishop returns with a bear. The bear is surprisingly tame and is busy reading the bible. Soon afterwards the orthodox priest returns with the bear that he converted. The two of them begin to discuss how they accomplished the feat and who did a better job. As time passes they begin to wonder where the rabbi was. At the end of the day they notice the rabbi hobbling towards them. The rabbi's neck is in a brace, his arm in a sling, and his face covered with numerous cuts and bruises. "What happened to you?" The bishop and priest ask. The rabbi replies in a raspy voice, "I guess circumcising him wasn't a good place to start."

A bear climbs a tree.... a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?" the bear says "I came up here to eat apples." the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here." the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

Panda Definition A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!' The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!' At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads: 'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.' Source : A joke book I read somewhere -might be repost... I don't know, I'm new-

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4 Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just walk out on the water and make his shot. It lands on the green and he puts it in. Birdie. Moses steps up. He takes a shot. This one is going right into the center of the hazard. Moses raises his hands and parts the waters. The ball lands. Moses walks out and takes his shot. It lands on the green and he puts it in. Birdie. The bearded guy steps up to the tee. He takes his shot. It too is going straight into the water hazard. It heads straight for a lily pad with a frog on it. The frog sees the ball and thinks that it is a fly. It shoots out its tongue and swallows the ball. Right at that moment a hawk flies over and snatches the frog in it's talons and flies away. As it flies over the green the hawk squeezes tightly and the frog gasps dropping the ball out of its mouth. The ball falls from the sky straight into the hole. Hole-in-one. Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate playing with your dad."

Hunter goes bear hunting. A hunter goes to the forest. He sees a bear and fires at it, but misses. The bear is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says, "You tried to kill me, either I'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chose life. He goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. He sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. The bear recognizes the hunter and says, "You know the choices." The hunter, after being fucked again, brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. He finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin. "You don't come here for hunting, do you?"