100+ Basketball Jokes

Ted Cruz went to Indiana - Hoosier Country - stood on a basketball court, and called the hoop a "basketball ring. What else is in his lexicon? Baseball Sticks? Football Hats? But sure, I'm the foreign one. Barack Obama April 30 2016 ORNIT OF TIE

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.

A blue whale is the largest animal that's ever existed It's so big that if it was laid out on a basketball court the game would have to be cancelled.

Bigger Boobs A woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants. The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get them for free. She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken, giving her a larger bust. She decides to go out to the bar to see if men will notice. She sees a handsome man across the room and starts walking up to him, seductively smiling, flapping her arms and says "Haven't I seen you here before?". "No, but I think we go to the same doctor" he answers, furiously opening and closing his legs.

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together. The Jew boasts about his fertility "I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!" "That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!" The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?" "I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the ref was blowing fouls

Take that back Olympics Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back.... 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew." 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?...:)

List of the most offensive jokes I know. What are some of the most offensive jokes you guys know? * Whats better then winning silver at the special olympics? Not being retarded * Whats better then winning silver at the paralympics? Walking * Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they * Why are black people so good at basketball? They can run shoot and steal * What do you call a group of black men running down a hill? A prision break * So Hellen Keller walks into a bar a table and a chair. * Why was Hitler not invited to the barbecue? He always burns the franks * What do you call a black priest? Holy shit * Whats the last thing to go through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers? Their feet * Why is there no black guy in the game clue? Because it would have to be renamed to solved * What do Jewish people ahte most about the Holocaust? The caust * What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall * Whats the worst part of running 100m in under 10 seconds? Being black * What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke EDIT * What's the difference between Paul walker any my computer? I give a shit when my computer crashes

So I gave a blind guy a basketball. I think he's still trying to read it...

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post) Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon. Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team." Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team." David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

If the Easter Bunny’s favorite sport is basketball, what’s Jesus’s favorite sport? Lacrosse

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

A young boy sees a tall black man The boy says "wow you must be good at basketball!" The black man irritably says "That's racist, just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm good at basketball." The boy replies "I said you must be good at basketball because you are tall. If I judged you for being black, I wouldn't have said you were good at anything."

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting... The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

My friend walked through the airport holding a basketball. He was travelling.

Working in a mental institution There was a nurse in a mental institution. As he was doing his rounds, he saw a patient dribbling and imaginary basketball and then shooting it. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied, "I get out in 2 months and I'm going to the NBA." The nurse laughed and moved on The next room he went to he saw a man swinging an imaginary gold club. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied "I get out in 4 months and I'm going to be a pro golfer." The nurse laughed and moved on. The nurse then visited his final room and saw a man jogging in pace. The nurse said "And what are you doing?" The man replied, "I'll be out in a year and I'm gonna run in the Olympics!" The nurse walked down the hall to go to the office. On the way he saw a man, naked, covered in peanuts, thrusting. The nurse went in and screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I ain't never getting out of here!"

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf. Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

A guy is in the front row of a basketball game..... He is enjoying the game when suddenly someone yells, ''Steve!'' He looks over his shoulder, looks around but cannot see anyone in the mass of 15,000 fans. He continues to enjoy the game. He again hears ''SteveO,'' Now he gets up and looks around but eventually sits back down. He is taking a drink from his beer, then again ''hey steve'' he becomes increasingly upset stand up and scans the the bleachers but nothing. Near the end of the game, he hears ''Steve'' finally he stands up and yells, ''my name is John, Dammit''

What do you get when you cryogenically freeze a genetic copy of basketball legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar? An ice Kareem clone

An inspector goes in to an asylum... He needs to make sure that all of the patients' rooms are up to code, following a new set of regulations. When he enters the first room, the patient is shooting an imaginary basketball. The inspector asks, "What are you doing?" "When I get out of here, I'm going to be in the NBA," the patient responds. "Okay..." replies the inspector. He checks out the room, takes some notes, and moves on. As he enters the second room, there is a patient swinging an imaginary golf club. "What are you doing?" asks the inspector. "When I get out of here, I'm going to go on the PGA tour," the patient replies. "Okay..." says the inspector. He checks out the room, takes some notes, and moves on. As he enters the third room, he sees a patient with his penis in a can of cashews. "What are you going to be when you get out of here?" Asks the inspector. The patient replies, "Are you kidding me?! I'm never getting out of here! I'm fucking nuts!"

A man is thinking about joining a gym. He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities". The rep continues "Here are the treadmills which are all in use and there is the treadmill line". "Ok, ok" the man rushes "Can we get to the boxing stuff please?" The rep moves along, "Here is the bench press area which is quite popular and you can see the line to use it. Over here is the basketball courts which are always packed and over there is the basketball line". Continuing, the rep describes "the steamy hot tub and pool which are in high demand and over there is the swimming line". "OK OK!!" the man exclaims "I just want to punch the bags! Where is the line for that?" "Oh, but that's no fun", the rep answers. "Why not?" the man asks. "There isn't any punch line."

Why did Jesus lose the basketball game? Because Peter denied him three times.

Son: Dad! The captain of the basketball team called me gay today... Dad: What! I hope in hell you didn't let him get away with that. This is what you should do. Next time you see him, sucker punch him in the face. Son: But dad, he's sooooo cute.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? It heard the referee was blowing fowls

A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a Mormon are having dinner together... ...and they are bragging about their families. "My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team." "Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team." "That's nothing" says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

Why did the duck cross the basketball court? He heard the referees were blowing fouls... -Jim Norton

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hyped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

Why doesn't Gabe Newell play basketball? Because he can't make 3's

What's the difference between an archeologists convention and a basketball team? The archeologists convention is a nerdy bunch of diggers.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Because he heard the Ref was blowing fowls!

Life is like a basketball... It has its ups and downs and is controlled by people that are taller and make more money than you.

What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection? LeBronchitis

What do you call a girl hanging from a basketball rim? Annette

Why did the duck go to the basketball game? He heard the ref was blowing fouls!

After sex, I pee like a pro basketball player! Lots of dribbling.

Why is cupid bad at basketball? When he shoots, someone else scores.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fowl.

Why are criminals so good at basketball? They shoot first and ask questions later.

What's a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese.

The sport of choice ... After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf. Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

Why do black people play basketball? Because it teaches them how to shoot, run and steal.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell. "I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on." "I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

According to a recent survey on American sports... 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for frontline workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. CONCLUSION The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls become.

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god... When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball together? Juan on Juan

So an airplane was about to crash..... An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future President. I deserve to live" And she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great a responsibility to be alive being the leader of the lone super-power and I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't like me dead" He grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and I will sacrifice my life for a young life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said, "it's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest president has taken my schoolbag."

How do you confuse Helen Keller? You tell her to read a basketball.

When basketball stars die they don't pass away ...they cross over RIP Mamba :(

As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?" At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation. Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens. They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball.

Three sheiks brag about the size of their family I have 5 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own basketball team. Oh yeah? Well I have 11 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own football team. The third one is in a pinch, since he was blessed only with daughters. But then he thinks of something to brag about. Oh yeah? Well I have 18 wives. The other two look at him wondering what sport needs 18 members in its team or how women can be involved. Then the answer comes. If I wanted to I could form my own golf course.

Why can't basketball players go on vacation? They aren't allowed to travel

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Because the ref was blowing a foul.

Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf. The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times. A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team." "That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team." "That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

A group of friends put together a basketball team to play on the local town league and called the team “bye” So far they have accumulated 4 wins from opponents no-shows.

My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever Nothing but net

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume. The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement. The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season Apparently they never take any shots.

I donated my old basketball hoop to the school for the blind. It will be missed.

Grandpa's joke last night. Two heavy set women are talking by the bar. The bartender says "You ladies have a lovely accent. Are you from Scotland?" One of them women goes "No, Wales." The bartender replied "Are you whales from Scotland?" Then grandpa precedes to explain the joke about them being whales. We were in my younger brothers school for a basketball game and everyone was in earshot.

Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building. It's the highest court in the land.

Not sure if this has been posted before, but my favorite Dirty Johnny's sitting in his kindergarten class, learning about the alphabet. The teacher is having the students review. She asks the class, "What's something that starts with the letter A?" Immediately several hands go up, including Dirty Johnny's. The teacher thinks, oh no, I can't call on Johnny, he'll say asshole or something like that. So she calls on Martha, and Martha answers apple. Next, she asks if anyone can think of something that starts with B and again Johnny's hand goes up. The teacher thinks, well, I can't call on him, he'll say bitch or something like that. So instead, she calls on Davey, who answers basketball. This goes on all the way down the alphabet, until finally the teacher gets to R. Only Johnny raises his hand. The teacher pauses for a minute, and nobody else raises their hand, but she thinks, oh, it should be fine, nothing really nasty starts with R anyway. "Okay, Johnny, what's something that starts with R?" "RATS, teacher, big motherfuckin' RATS, with three-foot cocks!"

Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen? They are always traveling

Fresh Limerick There once was a lad from West Philly Who played basketball and got silly He fought with some brothers Which worried his mother Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? They gave her a basketball and told her to read.

How do you tell the teams apart in Amish women's basketball? It's skirts versus shins.

Why doesn't Jesus play basketball anymore? Because he got all crossed up...

Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together? He shoots, he scores!

why are black people so good at basketball? because they practice

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies... A guy's playing basketball with his buddies when he injures a finger badly. He goes to the doctor and explains what happened. The doctor examines it and says "It's broken, but we'll be able to get it healed up just about as good as new." The guy gets a concerned look on his face and asks "Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after it's all healed up?" Noticing his concerned look, the doctor reassures him "Sure you will," with a warm smile on his face. The guy gets really excited and exclaims "YES! I've always wanted to be able to play the piano!"

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. “How did you do it?” he asked. “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

Basketball sued Tennis for no reason Now they have to go to court

Why can't you play basketball on LeBrons head? Beacause the baseline is always changing......

Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team? He refused to take the shot

Why do basketball players struggle to get women pregnant? Because they dribble so much before they shoot.

What do you call a basketball that rolls off court and deflates? Out of bounce.

Why doesn't Jesus play basketball? He got crossed up.

Brett Favre reveals 'scary' memory loss says he is not going back to play Pro Basketball

They call me the Weatherman when I'm playing basketball Because I'm never accurate.

What do you call two Mexican guys playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

Hanging in the hallway at a high school are... ...the basketball team pictures from the past decades. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "92-93," "93-94," "94-95," etc. One day the principal spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to the principal, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball? He was a point gourd.

I like my sex like I like basketball. One-on-One with as little dribbling as possible. \~ Leslie Nielson

Why do birds make bad basketball players? They're always committing fowls.

What do you call a Greek basketball player? A hooplite

My dad played basketball for Penn State! My bad, I meant state pen.

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t excited about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were dumb fools? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican. How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ". That's how I became a web developer.

My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom? Because he was dribbling. 😊

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court The game would be cancelled.

What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug? One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences. After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences. 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling 3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

What do you call a game of basketball between two Mexicans? Juan on Juan.

I'm fairly tall so folks are always asking me "Do you play basketball?" My standard reply: "No, do you play miniature golf?"