100+ Baseball Jokes

I wore a suit to work and got my supervisor soft demoted I’m posting mainly because I’m not a passive-aggressive type and I’m in disbelief that this actually worked.   Ever since I started at my job a few months ago, my supervisor—we’ll call him Josh—has been micromanaging me. When I’m the subject of criticism (which is often), I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him to clarify. What are your expectations? What specifically should I have done differently? Josh’s responses are always vague, often something to the effect of “Just do better.” I even had a meeting with Josh and HR to address this, but to no avail. Yesterday, Josh comes to my desk to tell me I need to dress better. Now, I work at a small company, and the vibe is unusually casual. A not-insignificant number of people come to work wearing jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, and/or baseball caps. I have never worn a hat to work, and I make a point of wearing a button-up shirt with a collar every day. This particular day I was wearing a long-sleeve button-up flannel, chino pants, and Adidas gazelles. Other days I wear loafers and dress shirts that are tucked in. So, I ask Josh to clarify. Should I be wearing dress shoes? Dress shirt? Tucked in? What specifically do you want me to change? Josh tells me I just need to dress better and that I should talk to HR for clarification. So I go in to HR and ask, what is the dress code? I get a standard answer: pants, close-toed shoes, no sleeveless shirts, etc. I ask, have I ever worn anything to work that poses a problem? HR says no, you’re fine.   Because I’m mad, and because my repeated efforts to resolve this kind of problem had gone unheeded, I decided to be petty. The next day (today), I showed up to work in a full suit. It’s one I keep for events like weddings, so it’s fitted and I look really sharp in it. It’s also wildly and conspicuously overdressed for the office I work in. I had several interactions with people coming to my desk to comment on my outfit and ask what the occasion was. When anyone asked (only if they asked), I told them I had been told to “dress better.” This was always met with disbelief and incredulity. Two people even said they like the way I dress normally. When anyone asked me who the order came from—again, only if they asked—I told them it came from Josh.   I was expecting to pull my little stunt for a week just to prove a point, and then go back to wearing what I had been wearing before. Word got around the office fast, apparently, because the CEO (Josh’s direct boss) came to my desk later in the day to tell me I would be reporting to him now, and that he’d be having a talk with Josh about this and other issues. It’s important to note that I was Josh’s only underling, so he effectively went from being a supervisor to just a regular employee. I’m on a bit of a high now, I think I’m going to come in to work tomorrow wearing a different one of my flannels! Edit: This blew up! Thank you for all the support. No, this isn't AI and I didn't use ChatGPT to edit for style or grammar. I genuinely like em dashes and I use them regularly in writing—I promise!

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did. Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” Edit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it’s.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it's..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

Ted Cruz went to Indiana - Hoosier Country - stood on a basketball court, and called the hoop a "basketball ring. What else is in his lexicon? Baseball Sticks? Football Hats? But sure, I'm the foreign one. Barack Obama April 30 2016 ORNIT OF TIE

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Blonde Joke An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar.... An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler "Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Why should China have a baseball team? They can take out the whole world with just one bat

Hillbilly Stripper Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Three sports fans leave a bar... (Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.) Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up. The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left breast. The Royals (my team) fan takes off his hat and covers her right breast. The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch. The police arrive. The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book. He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book. The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, "What was that? Haven't you seen one of those before?" The detective replies, "You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I see an asshole."

A woman spends the day with her lover while her husband is at work Her husband arrives home unexpectedly, and the woman shoves her lover into the closet. She doesn't know that her 9-year-old son is already hiding in there. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball." "That's good." "Do you want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "My dad's outside." "Okay. How much does it cost?" "$1000." "Fine, here you go, and keep quiet." A few days later the father says to the boy: "Bring the baseball. Let's go outside and play a little." "I can't. I sold it." the boy replies. "Sold it, for how much?" his father asks "For $1000." "That's terrible! That's a lot more than they actually cost. I'll take you to church to confess." the father says. They go to church, and the father puts the boy in the confessional and closes the door. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." To which the priest replies, "Don't start this shit again."

A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early... "Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy. "Sure is dark in here." "Indeed it is," the man responds. "I have a baseball," says the boy. "That's nice," he says. "I'll sell it to you for $50." "$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son." "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?" "Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50. A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet. "Sure is dark in here," says the boy. "Oh, it's you again." "I have a baseball glove." "Alright, how much do you want for it?" "$700." "$700? That's absurd!" "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?" "Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid. That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around." The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove." "For how much?" he asks. "$750." "$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession." They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth. "Sure is dark in here," he says. The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

A housewife takes a lover during..... A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Dark jokes 1. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is 2. What's the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message 3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson's funeral? Nothing 4. What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society 5. What's the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians 6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet. 7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead 8. What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face. 9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer 10. Who's the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin 11. What's the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race 12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt 13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero 14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight 15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter 16. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion 17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer

Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US.... The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year. They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off." The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A man walks into a bar with a dog... A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog "What do you find on top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bartender. The man asks again "What do you find on a tree?" "Bark!" answers the dog again. "Are you kidding me? Ask it something a human could answer or I'm kicking you out." The man asks the dog 'Who's the best baseball player?" The dog replies "Ruth!" and the bartender angrily kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at it's owner, and says "DiMaggio?" (Sorry it's kinda lame, but it's one of my favorite) edit: Thanks for getting me on the front page! I posted it for my cakeday, didn't get the icon until now! Didn't expect it to get so many upvotes!

12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn't jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? Because she's dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can't talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it's a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a banana martini please." The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he's actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.

Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: Because they don't know where home is.

Two arabs come to america. They make a bet who would be the most "americanized" in a year. After this year, one brother says, "i just dropped my kids off at baseball and we're having mcdonald's later". The other brother says, "fuck off, towelhead!"

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says, "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy." The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle."

A Woman Takes Her Secret Lover Home During The Day While Her Husband Is At Work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The Woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball..." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No thanks." Boy: "My Dad is outside..." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens agin that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy: "$750" Man: "Sold." A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$1000" The Dad says, "Thats terrible to over charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession." They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the little door.. The boy says, "Dark in here." The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!"

Confession... A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Two Muslim Brothers Two Muslim brothers come to America and have a contest to see who can become more Americanized. A month later they get together and one proudly says "I took my son to a baseball game and we ate hot dogs!" The other replies "Fuck you, towelhead!"

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender... A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark" says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. "What's on top of a house?" asks the man. "Roof" says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. "What's the best baseball player of all time?" "Ruth" The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, "Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?"

A blind old cowboy walks into a bar... An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....'

Baseball in Heaven Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says: "Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there." Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name. "Who's there?" he called out. "Moe! It's me Sam!" "Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked. "It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him. "Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied. "Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven." "That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?" "Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

It's dark in here. A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

10 Funny Pun Jokes 1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? *He's all right now* 2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. *It's impossible to put down.* 3. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. *Then it hit me.* 4. I'm glad I know sign language, *it's pretty handy.* 5. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, *he just didn't have the balls to do it.* 6. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, *but eventually it came back to me.* 7. I used to have a fear of hurdles, *but I got over it.* 8. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said *'Keep off the Grass'.* 9. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? *He was lucky it was a soft drink.* 10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

Misunderstanding Between Husband And Wife ... A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly.. .. sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post) Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon. Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team." Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team." David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

"So José, how was America?" "Oh it was wonderful, amigo, those Americans are so kind. I went to go watch a real American baseball game but the tickets were all sold out. Feeling bummed out I walked around the side of the stadium when I saw a flag pole right next to the field! I climbed right up it and could see the whole baseball diamond with the players getting ready for the game." "You had to watch from a flag pole? I thought you said the Americans were nice." "Oh they are amigo! Before the game began every American stood up, looked right at me, and hollered, "José, can you see?"

Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't run home

A young boy caught his mom cheating. A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, “it’s dark in here.” The man whispers, “yes, it is.” “I have a baseball,” the boy responds. “That’s nice.” “Want to buy it?” “No, thanks.” “My dad’s outside.” “Okay, how much?” “$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover end up in the closet together. “It’s dark in here,” the boy begins. “Yes, it is.” “I have a baseball glove.” The man thinks about the last time they were in the closet together, and decided to cut to the chase — “How much?” “$750.” “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “grab your ball and glove. Let’s go outside and play some catch!” “I can’t. I sold them.” “How much did you sell them for?” “$1,000,” the boy replies, smilingly widely. His father responds, “it’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That’s way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church to confess.” The two go to church, and the boy’s father escorts him to the confession booth. Once inside, the boy states, “it’s dark in here.” The priest replies, “don’t start that crap again!”

A Wife Comes Home Late A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A man died and... A man died and went up to the Pearly Gates to stand before Saint Peter. Peter told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us *any*thing you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Well, yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a man who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got my baseball bat out from behind my seat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, When did this happen?” asked Peter. “About three minutes ago.” (Apologies if this is a re-post.)

Baseball heaven? There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven." They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Baseball in Heaven Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "You're pitching on Wednesday."

A guy walks into a bar with his dog... A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed." The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!" "Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out." "No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail. "Listen, pal..." says the bartender. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?" "Ruff!" exclaims the dog. "Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender. "One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" "Ruth!" barked the dog. "Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street. Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?" Heard this joke years ago and decided to look it up.

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian "Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend." "My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad’s head." - Anthony Jeselnik

It's Dark in Here... A young boy was playing hide-n-seek. He decided to hide in his mother's closet. Suddenly, the mother came into the room with a man. They began making love, not knowing the boy was in the closet. Suddenly the boy's father pulled into the driveway. The mother, in a panic, rushed the man into the closet with the boy. They stood next to each other. "It's dark in here. "The boy said. "Yep." The man said. "I have a baseball." "That's cool." "I'll give you it for $500." "No way!" "...my dad is outside." The man sighed and pulled out his wallet. A few days later, the boy was in his mother's closet again. Once again, the mother came into the room with the man. Soon, the father pulled into the driveway and the mother rushed the man into the closet. The man and the boy stood next to each other. "It's dark in here." The boy said. "Yep." The man said. "I have a baseball mitt." "That's cool." "I'll give you it for $500." The man thought about the last time and sighed. He pulled out his wallet. The next day, the father was sitting in the dining room. The boy walked in. "Dad! I sold my baseball and glove!" He said. "Really? For how much?" The father said. "$1000!" The father's jaw dropped. "Son! You shouldn't overprice such things! I'm taking you to church so you can confess!" So, the father took his son to church and the boy went to confession. He waited until the pastor came. After a few moments, the boy spoke. "It's dark in here." "Don't start that shit again, kid!"

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof... So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers.” He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he”ll be there in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog. “What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks. “I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van,” says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun. “What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner. “If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Bear Removal Service A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour. The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

Why was Cinderella so bad at baseball? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

A joke from my baseball coach... Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day. One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there.' Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, 'Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'  Shortly after that, Leo passed on.  A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Frank... Frank '.......'Who is it?' asked Frank sitting up suddenly.  'Who is it?' 'Leo-- it's me, Leo'. 'You're not Leo, Leo just died.'  'I'm telling you, it's me, Leo' insisted the voice. 'Leo!....Where are you?' 'In Heaven,' replied Leo. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.' 'Tell me the good news first,' said Frank. 'The good news,' Leo said, 'is that  there's baseball in Heaven.  Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.' 'That's fantastic,' said Frank 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!  So what's the bad news?'  'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Two middle-aged men sit on a park bench ...and talk about what they think heaven will be like. As a baseball lover, one man says to the other, "I REALLY hope there's baseball to be played in heaven! That would make everything worth it." The other man replies, "It sure would, i haven't been able to play baseball in years but would love the chance to play in heaven." Tragically, the next day one of the men has a heart attack and dies. Devastated, his friend returns to the same park bench and weeps for hours. That evening the man hears a voice speaking to him saying, "Hey! Its me! Guess what?!" Thrilled to hear his old friends voice, he replies, "Oh my gosh is that you?! You gotta tell me; what's heaven like??" "Well I've got some really really great news, and i also have some not-so-great news... But there IS baseball in heaven, he spoke excitedly. The man on the bench was so happy he nearly screamed, "Thats the best news ever! What could POSSIBLY be the bad news?!" The voice responds, "You're pitching on Tuesday...."

It's a convicts first day in prison It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian food? The new guy says, "Yeah I like Italian food." On Tuesday in the cafeteria, it is all Italian food. Do you like baseball? The new guy says, "I love baseball." Every Wednesday we have a pick up game and everyone plays even the guards, it is really fun. The old guy says, "One more question, are you by any chance a homosexual?" The new guy says, "no I'm not." Ah, you're not going to like Thursday.

A wife has a crappy day and decides to come home early from work When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Game Day entrepreneur . . . A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath. Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag." "Oh, rats! Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my yard is right next to the baseball stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my garden. It used to really annoy me and kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the most of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my shears. Every time some guy sticks his dingus through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $50, or I cut off your johnson!" "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays"

It's Dark In Here. A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

Angry truck driver demands a blond to pull over... A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she is giggling and has a smile on her face. He is getting really pissed. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

The Old Ball Game A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? " The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.

A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game... He knows nothing about the game so when the first batter got walked, the Scotsman asked the fans next to him what happened. "He got four balls, so he gets to go to first base freely," to which the Scotsman stood, and clapping loudly, shouted "Walk proud, lad! Walk proud!"

Making money Making Money A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Gorilla Removal A man came home from work to an escaped gorilla on the roof of his house. He quickly Googled how to remedy this situation and stumbled upon a phone number for a gorilla removal expert. He called. When the expert arrived, he hopped out of his truck with a baseball bat, shotgun and his rottweiler. The expert came over to the homeowner and told him he would climb up on the roof and knock the gorilla off the roof with the baseball bat. When the gorilla landed, the dog would grab on to the gorilla's testicles to subdue it while he restrained it. He then handed the homeowner the shotgun. As the expert started to climb up on to the roof, the homeowner asked what the shotgun was for. The expert told him that if the gorilla knocked him off the roof, shoot the dog.

Baseball in Heaven There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven." They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Why don't orphans play baseball. Because they don't know where home is.

Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

Jose visits America. Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

One of my favorite hockey jokes On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers' jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth." As the pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said. "He may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know nothing about shark fishing... How's the bait holding up?"

It's Dark In Here Its dark in here A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf. Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game

Never judge too Quickly A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

The Pope's Alaska Visit The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska. He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the loggers finished off the bear. The men dragged the grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck and tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed "I have heard there was bitter hatred between loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one logger asked, "Who was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get a fresh one?"

So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer... **Feminist:** Why isn’t the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too! **Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer- **Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She’s obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment? **Me:** Okay, she’s not in a bar, she’s um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands- **Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That’s so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved! **Me:** … Okay fine, I just won’t tell the joke then. **Feminist:** If you seriously can’t tell a joke without being sexist then you’re not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.

A man walks into a bar with his dog. A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed." The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!" "Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out." "No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail. "Listen, pal..." says the bartender. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?" "Ruff!" exclaims the dog. "Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender. "One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" "Ruth!" barked the dog. "Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street. Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

Baseball in Heaven Two kids, Adam and John, absolutely love playing baseball. They play every day of their lives until years down the road Adam and John are now two old men who sit in the park feeding the birds and watching kids play baseball. One week later John passes away. Adam is sitting at the park alone when he hears Johns voice. John -- Psst, Adam, its John. Adam -- John buddy I miss ya! Hows heaven? John -- Its great! But there is good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first? Adam -- The good news. John -- There's baseball in heaven! Adam -- That's great! What's the bad news? John -- You're pitching next Monday.

Dr. Feelgood Doctor Feelgood is visiting the mental institution to see the latest condition of some of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie. At that moment he is swinging an imaginary golf club in the air. "Well, Charlie," says Feelgood. "When do you think you will be getting out?" "No problem," replies Charlie, swinging away. "Just as soon as I hit a hole-in-one." Feelgood shakes his head and goes on to the next room. There he finds Chester swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "Hello, Chester," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Oh, soon," replies Chester. "Just as soon as I hit this home-run." Feelgood shakes his head again, and is led to the next room. He walks in and finds Donald rubbing a bag of peanuts up against his open zipper. "Hello, Donald," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Out? Are you kidding?" says Donald excitedly. "I'm fucking nuts!"

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted that position, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

A few one liners from over the years If you can't be kind, at least be vague Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail Rehab is for quitters If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad If your not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life Always remember your unique, just like everyone else Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Lead me not into temptation I can find the way myself I intend to live forever, so far so good My software never has bugs it just develops random features Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things Somedays your the dog and others your the hydrant Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die He doesn't have a beer belly, he has developed a liquids grain storage facility Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM If we aren't supposed to eat animals whys re they made of meat If its tourist season why can't we shoot them

Why don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.

Confession A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy- "I have a baseball." Man- "That's nice." Boy- "Want to buy it?" Man- "No, thanks." Boy- "My dad's outside." Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy- "Dark in here." Man- "Yes, it is." Boy- "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy- "$750." Man- "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Why couldn't the dinosaur play baseball? Because baseball didn't exist back then.

Little Johnny getting Married! Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

A man brings his talking dog into the bar... The bartender quickly tells him that no dogs are allowed. The man says, "But sir, this is a talking dog. If i can prove that he can talk, will you let him stay?" The bartender reluctantly agrees. The man looks at his dog and says, "what's on top of your dog house?" The dog says, "Roof!" The bartender crosses his arms, annoyed. The man says, "What does sandpaper feel like?" The dog says, "Rough!" The bartender is annoyed, but gives him one more shot. The man says "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog barks, "Ruth!" The bartender is furious at the man for trying to trick him and kicks them both out. The man gets really angry and kicks his dog. The dog looks up at him and says "what, do you think Sammy Sosa was better?"

A joke I heard a while back. A doctor at a mental hospital promises the patients in his care that if they behave well for the next two weeks, he'd take them to a baseball game.When the day of the game arrived, the doctor and patients, along with the doctor's assistant, headed to the game. At the national anthem, the doctor said, "Up, nuts!" and the patients stood up. After the national anthem finished,the doctor said,"Down, nuts!" and the patients sat back down. Satisfied, the doctor went to grab a beer and pretzel from the concession stand. When he got back, all hell had broken loose. "What the Hell happened?" the doctor asked his assistant. The assistant replied,"Well, everything was going great till someone yelled,'PEANUTS!'"

Irish man's first baseball game. An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!" The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!" The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!" The Irish man jumped up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie!" The third batter got up got ball 1...ball 2...ball 3...ball 4.....The umpire yelled "Take your base!" The batter jogged to the base. The Irish man jumped up an yelled "Run laddie! Run laddie!" Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, for he has 4 balls!" The Irish man's jaw dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride!"

Why are orphans bad at baseball? They don't know where home is.

Baseball A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice. "Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"? asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry

A guy gets sent to prison... and is initially terrified when he meets his imposingly large cellmate. To his surprise, the man hops down from his bunk and politely introduces himself. "I'm sure your nervous," says the mountain of a man as he shakes his new friend's hand. "but don't be. This place really isn't that bad." "Alright" says the still frightened man. "In fact, do you like baseball?" his cellmate continues. "Sure." "Well, tell you what. Every Monday my old roomie and I, we used to play catch half the day. In fact, I've still got his glove. Here it's yours." "Wow, thank you." says the new inmate. "Do you like football?" asks his cellmate. "Yeah!" he replies excited. "Well, every Tuesday my old roomie and I, we would toss the football around half the day." "That sounds great!" says the new inmate, very excited now. "That's not the half of it" his cellmate continues, "are you gay or straight?" "Straight! Definitely straight." comes his immediate reply. "Hmmm," the enormous man thinks for a second, "you're probably not going to like Wednesdays very much."

Good news and bad news Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."

Plank goes to a ball game A small plank of wood goes to Watch a baseball game. For the first few innings, the plank is super into it. But by the seventh inning, its interest starts to fade. A man nearby notices the fading enjoyment and starts up a conversation. "Hey man, how you liking the game?" He asks. "I really like it. I think it's pretty cool" the small plank replies. "Really," says the man, "cuz it seems to me like you're a little board."

Three nuns went to a baseball game Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion. "I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there," said the first man. "20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there," said the second man. Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, "You should go to hell, I hear that there are no nuns there."

Loose women 3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff. Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.." The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.." The Third woman slides down the bar stool

Two middle eastern brothers move to the US... they each make a bet over which will be more Americanized in a years time. At the end of the year the first brother says to the other "Today I'm going to see my son play in a baseball game and after we're going to McDonalds for dinner". The second looks at him and says "Fuck off towel head".

The Gorilla Catcher A gorilla escapes from the zoo, so the city government hires a professional gorilla catcher to go and retrieve it. The gorilla catcher starts cruising around town in his pickup, until he comes to the suburbs. In the suburbs, he sees a gorilla on the roof of a house. He gets out of his pickup and walks up to the door, and rings the doorbell. A man comes to the door and the gorilla catcher says: "There's a gorilla on your roof, and I'm the gorilla catcher. I'm going to need your help to get him down." Together, they walk down to the pickup and the gorilla catcher gets his supplies out of the back. He takes out a baseball bat, a shotgun, a net, and a dog. He says to the man: "I'm going to climb up on the roof with the baseball bat and knock down the gorilla. When he hits the ground, the dog will run up and grab him by the balls. That's when you throw the net on him." The man asks: "Whats the shotgun for?" The gorilla catcher replies:"Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, shoot the dog."

Today's Top Joke Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler." "Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters quietly "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

Baseball Date A young lady from a very conservative family is finally allowed to go on her first date. The young man picks her up and they go to a baseball game. The game was a little boring, so to avoid any awkwardness, the guy gets an idea. He says to his date, "I have a little game we can play, if you're up to it." The girl replies, "Sure! What is it?" The guy says, "How about every time the pitcher throws a strike, I give you a kiss?" The girl says, "Hmm...that sounds like fun!" "And," the guy continues, "every time the pitcher throws a ball, you give me a kiss." She smiled with approval. So they played their little game for the remainder of the innings, and were both thrilled with how the date went, as they were very attracted to one-another. Then came time for the guy to drop his date off at her house. She walked in and standing there was her concerned dad, who asked, "So...how did the date go?" "Oh, it was great!! He kissed me on the strikes, and I kissed him on the balls!"

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

A small boy got lost at a baseball game... He went up to a police officer and said: "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."

A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof. A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun. "OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated." "Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?" "If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field? Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.