50+ Anti-Jokes

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys. Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

If you can't say it to your 5 yr old kid, its not a dad joke. I'm getting really sick of all the NSFW jokes that have been hitting the front page lately. I know I'm not the only one who feels this either. IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE JOKE TO YOUR KID, IT'S NOT A DAD JOKE. dad jokes are clean, thats why they're ***dad*** jokes. If you have an NSFW joke, please refer to r/unclejokes. I'm sorry if I sound whiney, but dad jokes are dad jokes and uncle jokes are uncle jokes.

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry... Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt ​ He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke... What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl. edit: [credit for the joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9cmw/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/)

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers? To cover its butt quack.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

The first female president The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Edit: Dates (the attention to detail in the comments is amazing. Sarah Goldstein would hire you all). Edit II: 2028 -> 2029. Edit III: Glad to see most of you liked the joke! Shoutout to Heather for being my fellow old jewish mother through thick and thin, and shoutout to my awesome girlfriend on her birthday! Miss you boo :-*

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home. As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants. "Here, try these on," he says. "What? Why?" she says. "Just put them on," he insists. "They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those." "That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it." "Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on." He holds them up and sees how tiny they are. "Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!" "That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!! Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room... Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper. my bad pops, sorry.. *shuts the door* Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the kitchen! Our pot head rushes to the kitchen, opens the door and sees the same thing, his father is sitting there and reading a newspaper. Uhm... sorry pops... *shuts the door * Shit, he is fast.... Then I am going to hide in the balcony!! Rushes to the balcony, opens the door and the same thing... dad sitting there with the newspaper... but before he gets to apologize his pops goes Son, you open the bathroom door one more time, I am gonna come out and beat the shit out of you. I did my best to translate this joke from Armenian to English. Sorry for my bad grammar. Edit: Thank you guys for the support. Got my first Gold!!

Today I understand why dad jokes are a true stereotype Never understood why dads and corny jokes were a thing. I did notice it's a mostly true thing. But I understand today. Asked my four year old what an 8 is. He doesn't know so I enlightened him that it's a zero with a belt. Lost. His. Shit. He's just mastered numbers and letters and this was hysterical to him. I'm the funniest man alive. He's told the joke back to me about twenty times. Today. Teenagers, this is why dads tell those jokes. They're chasing the indescribable high of this moment with a little kid. I found them cringeworthy as a teenager, but I get it now.

I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if any of this sub's top ten jokes met this standard But no pun in ten did. Edit- HOLY FUCK I made the front page. I'm not even a dad I don't deserve this

I should cancel on my end? no problem! I booked accommodation 2 months in advance for St Patrick’s weekend in Dublin. It was a fairly ancient b&b but for €115 it was a place to sleep and cheapest option for the busiest weekend of the year in Dublin. It was one double bed for me and a buddy to share. It was pay on arrival. 3 weeks before the stay, the accommodation manager messaged me on the app I booked the stay on telling me there’s a problem, I can no longer stay and to cancel on my side immediately. No apology let alone help offered by them. This was followed by multiple phone calls daily, along with text messages in a harassing nature saying I need to cancel now so I can get my money back (once again, it was pay on arrival). I didn’t answer the calls or messages telling me to cancel. Something felt off, so I checked the listing for the night I was supposed to stay and it just so happens the accommodation had been listed again for double the price. Likely the manager realised St Patrick’s weekend was a cash grab. Maybe not immediately but at the property manager’s request, I simply rang booking.com, and told them I’d like to cancel my booking. The customer service rep asked why I was cancelling. I explained in detail all the above to her and things took an unexpected turn for the property manager. Ultimately the rep agreed the property was acting in an unfair manner and the solution was that booking.com would find me accommodation within 1km (originally they tried to get me to stay waaaaay outside of the city but I wasn’t having it) of where I intended to stay. The original property would then be liable to cover any difference in cost. Here’s the good part - finding accommodation 3 weeks before St Patrick’s Day in Dublin is about as difficult as trying to light a fire with flint and steel in the rain, near impossible. Everything within a 1km range was booked out except for a well known 4 star hotel. The room alone cost 350€ per night, and had 2 double beds, much bigger room and in a nicer location. The customer rep had to get it cleared by her team lead, so I just sat on hold doing chores for 25 minutes. Eventually they came back and said it was all signed off on and they’ll send me a special link. What a treat, I gladly accepted their compromise. This in turn meant the property owner that tried to force me to cancel on my end was now indebted €235 and we got a massive upgrade for the same price we originally had! I had to pay the €350 upfront and had to keep receipts and show proof of payment to the booking partner after our stay but got my refund of €235 the following week. TLDR: property demanded I cancel my booking on my end, they ended up having to pay an extra €235 and I got a free upgrade

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit? Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!

I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at! Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt. Me: that's because he's a party pooper! Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this. Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good. Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275: A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good." On his turn, the knight asks "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️ Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

My 6 yo asks: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?” I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!

SERIOUS: This subreddit needs to understand what a "dad joke" really means. I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke. Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

"When one door closes, another opens", he said. "That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car." Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway... Edit: someone said the website is banned on Reddit-I don't know whether it is or not but I took it off to be safe.

[NSFW] Why did I mark the joke about the TI-85 calculator with the NSFW tag? Because it is graphic

Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte". I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died She was eaten by a giant crab Edit: Bo Burnham is my god, this joke is his, I masturbate thinking of his talent to make people laugh without stealing jokes from other people

My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did Daughter: "Quarantine." Me: . . . Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole... She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear." Edit: I'm fairly new to reddit. This joke exploded. Thanks for the welcome party lol

Landlord Maliciously Complianced Themselves This happened a few years ago, in my last apartment. My roommate and I were living in a basement place with upstairs neighbors, and the owner decided he wanted to sell. The upstairs neighbors ended up buying it, and became our new landlords. And they ... were awful at it. I could fill a whole post with the amount of stuff they tried to get away with, but we're here to talk about one particular instance. But suffice to say, they had no idea that landlords had "responsibilities" and simply saw us tenants as a source of income that should be *ever growing* (hence our rent suddenly spiking, and why we left). But there was one time they maliciously complianced themselves. See, they had a habit of trying to push stuff on us that was blatantly illegal. Their first contract, for example, said among other things that they had the right to enter the apartment at any time they wanted and could go through our stuff if they wished because we were "living on their property." I pointed out that this was *highly* illegal, and they grew very upset, saying "Well, we'll see about that." This clause later suddenly became the real one before we signed. One day, however, our lone fire alarm stopped working. As dutiful tenants, we reached out and said "Hey, the fire alarm stopped working." Their response was a predictable sort of 'So what?' "We need to have a working fire alarm," we replied. "And it's the landlord's duty to provide working fire alarms." "No it's not. You want one, you get it." "The law says otherwise." And here's where they maliciously complianced themselves. Possibly because they were getting tired of being corrected, they got snooty with this one. We got a *very* sarcastic response. "Oh, it *does*, does it? Well, we'll just see what the FIRE MARSHAL has to say about THAT!" Me and my roommate, upon recieving this message, burst out laughing. But they were serious. They thought they were going to contact the fire marshal, he was going to side with them, and then they could come down on us hard. I don't know what their expressions were when we said "Okay, yeah do that!" However ... The next morning there's *frantic* knocking at our door. There's the landlord and his family, looking very concerned, with a **bag** of brand-new fire alarms, one for each room and IIRC even two spares. He begs to be let in outside of the 24-hour notice, and says its an emergency: He has to put these alarms up RIGHT NOW. Trying not to laugh, we let them in, and they hurridly put one in every single room, apologizing profusely for the "delay" and telling us "if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask!" I don't know how that meeting with the fire marshal went, or if they got him or someone else at their office, but their attitude painted a pretty clear picture of the ultimate result. They complied maliciously, thinking they'd called our bluff. Whoops.

As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed... That my posts never blows up. Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode. Edit 2: KA-BOOOM! Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jokes after all. Edit 4: lmao this is Nagasaki all over again. For those who want so bad to insult me, here is a little secret...I get insulted if you insult the basis and principles of my religion, and the stuff you guys mention are not included. So feel free to say anything guys. Sorry for ruining the joke with this edit. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar... Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews. Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!" To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history." Jesus then says, "and I bet I could get it for most followed person in history." Hitler raises his beer and proclaims, "and I could get the record for the worst person in history!" So the three gentlemen make their way to the Guinness head quarters where they are put to the test. First Chris Pratt goes into the record-recognizer room and walks out with a big smile shouting, "Yes! Yes! I did it! I'm a world record holder!" Next, Jesus walks in and then five minutes later comes out smiling as well shouting, "Woohoo! I did it, I'm the most followed man ever!" Finally Hitler walks in and then five minutes later comes out führerious and yells, "Who the fuck is Ellen Pao?" Edit: misspelled "their" because apparently I never made it past Ms. Johnson's 6th grade English class and I added führerious because people commenting on this thread are a lot funnier than I am

Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be. Edit: Thanks for all the upvotes. My Dad used to tell this joke when I was a kid. Wasn't trying to claim it was original. I'm happy everyone got a good laugh.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."   None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.   "Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?... Their knees. (Not sure if this one translates well to english) EDIT: Wow guys I didn't think you would like this joke that much. This was something I read on a book like 6 years ago. Thanks!

My eight year old nephew said he had a joke: “What did the ant say to the other ant?” “I dunno, what?” “Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.” “Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.” He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous? Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all *Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified* Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself. One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!" God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it." His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized." E: If you think the joke is funny you should see all the butthurt 9/11 conspiracy theorists in the comments

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I'm just taking some time to line up my shot to ensure I don't miss."

Christmas Joke... Three men died.... Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's' And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better. Edit: Thank you for the gold.. One day I may do the analysis on how many commented on the joke, the superfluous use of nationalities, or scoring the joke with rice... Gotta look that one up.

The king of france...[NSFW] ...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one. The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!" The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la españa!!" The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!" Edit: I posted this whilst high, The title of the post is part of the joke the ellipses symbolise this

What's the difference between this joke and Jesus?

Donald Trump Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.   Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended: Stop being offended by jokes on the internet ;) MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!   Edit: Spelling

I invented a new word. Plagiarism. --- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.

I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold. 01) great 02) great 03) great 04) great 05) great 06) great 07) great 08) great 09) great 10) great 11) fucking gold

Here's a FedEx joke Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

My Jacket Isn’t corporate approved? Neither are any of the other ones here. ETA: wow I didn’t really expect this to blow up! Me and my partner thank you for all the updoots. I woke him up this morning telling him his story got 1,500~ (at the time) upvotes and he was confused, then laughed after I explained it. This is my boyfriend’s story, not mine full disclosure but he gave me permission to put it up, he’s just too lazy too and doesn’t have Reddit. He framed this story by proudly telling me his boss learned who not to be petty with today. While working in the back of the store, my partner was wearing his personal sweater; he was between a break room and a freezer and couldn’t be seen by any customers. His manager who’d just got there immediately got on his case. He tried to explain reasonably, he’d have it on for maybe fifteen minutes max and remove it before going back out onto the floor. The manager refused, and begins pestering him and telling him he needs to remove it immediately, under the reasoning it “Wasn’t corporate approved.” Cue* malicious compliance. The jackets they use for their coolers? Not corporate approved. The gloves they use in the same coolers? Not corporate approved. The communications system they use to talk amongst themselves in the store? Not corporate approved. An hour or so later my partner is going about his janitorial and stocking duties, having to work in the cooler to restock; every five to ten minutes, he’d come out of the freezer, shivering and trying to warm up. After about twenty minutes of this, the same manager wandered over to them critically. “What are you doing?” “Stocking the freezer, but it’s pretty cold in there.” “Well why don’t you go grab a jacket and some gloves?” “Oh, because if you actually read our employee book surrounding our uniform, these technically aren’t corporate approved either!” The manager grumbled and wandered off, only coming to find him in another hour and a half. “I’ve been trying to reach you over the commutations system for the last twenty minutes, why aren’t you responding?” “Oh! That’s because they’re actually not corporate approved unfortunately!” “You’re really going to be this petty?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m just following corporate standards!” It went like this for his entire 7 hour shift. At the end of his shift, the manager wandered up to him with an exasperated look. “I get it. Okay. I need to know how to pick my battles.” “You absolutely do.” -if I didn’t know him personally I probably wouldn’t have believed he actually said that to them, but he almost certainly does. He cares very little what anyone thinks lol.

The time my grandfather in law shut down a steel mill and got overtime rules changed. Story takes place in the 60's. Grandfather in law was a WWII vet, was a POW in Italy, got out of the POW camp and rejoined his unit then continued the war. So a verified badass. Worked the railroad at a steel mill. Just locally moving cars and setting up the train, moving stuff from one plant to the other, that kind of thing. The mill was on either side of a river with a rail bridge connecting them, and the main rails ran right through both sections of the mill. So when he came through with a lot of cars it would temporarily close the roads in the mill. He would get a little overtime quite often just by the nature of the job. Couple hours or so per week. When it's shift change time but you're driving a train you need to finish up before you can run the engine back to let your relief take over. So of course the mill decided to make a 'no overtime, no exceptions' rule. It took him a couple weeks to get it timed just right. At 3 pm his shift was over. He parked the engine right by the timeclock, clocked out, and went home. He said there was almost 2 miles of cars hooked to the engine. Went through the section of mill he was at, across the river, and into the other section of the mill. All the track was owned by the mill, so it didn't effect the actual railroad. Just the mill. The mill bosses wanted to punish him, I forget the details, but the Union shut that right down. Nothing happened and the rules changed the next day.

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

As soon as he clicked on the title he realized that someone was narrating him while he was browsing reddit. He chuckled and left an upvote, ready to read some more antijokes.

The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature. Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on. Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs car parked outside. "It figures", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint. On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly. Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar. She shouted at the sheriff: "What sort of town are you running here?! You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly! How can you explain this?!" The sheriff sipped his beer and said, "Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age"

A guy texts his neighbor... A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again." Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife. Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget... Because elephants never forget. EDIT: To those saying this was a repost, I sincerely apologize. I honestly had never seen this joke ever and thought it was funny enough to share with the reddit community. I'm glad that a few of you got a good chuckle out of it as I did.

My great grandfather who's a Holocaust survivor told me this joke. A Holocaust survivor dies, goes to Heaven and meets God. He tells him a Holocaust joke. God says, "That's not funny." The Holocaust survivor replies, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

Why doesn't Jesus like Christian rock music? Because it fucking sucks

My password is pussy Because most hackers don't get it

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king. edit: OK, so, apparently this joke was made 10 months ago by some other person. I never knew about that, I thought this was an original joke, so all you people busting a nut because you think I copied someone, go complain elsewhere. I had no idea this joke had already been made.

What is the difference between a Joke and an AntiJoke? Can someone tell me? I'm new to this sub and I want to know.

I still feel cheated that this joke never landed. This happened at a work function that was catered. A co-worker asked a small group (one of whom was named Mary) if anyone had tried the lamb yet. So I said: I heard Mary had a little lamb. Mary replies that she hadn't. Nobody else says anything. Still annoys me 8 years later.

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Punchline is different) Different

Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum. Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum... A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.' The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops ' **WHACK**...**she spanks him** He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

I tried to donate blood today, but ended up giving up. They asked way too many questions: Whose blood is this? Where did you get it? Why is it in a bucket?

HR are there to protect the company. Not their employees I've been struggling with my mental health for many years. Up till a few months ago, I was still able to keep up at work even through extreme client pressure. Then I started begging for help because I was struggling a lot. They promised to move me to a different team with less pressure, but kept moving the goal posts, telling me that they couldn't find a replacement due to client requirements. Early this morning they ambushed me with a meeting with our HR director to give me 2 options. Either I get fired after a disciplinary hearing, or go on disability. I've been begging for disability for months, so naturally I was really happy to go with option 2 as I have good income insurance through the company. Then the HR head bitch demanded that I get the doctor's paperwork done today. I'd already been in contact with the doctor and she couldn't get it done because she'd just returned from leave and had a huge backlog. The HR bitch demanded that I go to the doctor's office to get it done today. I was feeling utterly malicious when I complied. Even though it meant a 2 hour drive with the distance and traffic. I got there and managed to chat to my doctor for 2 minutes in-between appointments and she requested permission to be rude to the HR bitch and I told her to go for it. I don't know what she said in that email, but the HR bitch was suddenly VERY reasonable. Now I have a full week to get the paperwork done. I'm happy. The HR bitch is the wife of the CEO and the company is about to take a huge hit because the client has found alternatives. So its going to hugely hit their bank accounts. It gives me a very happy, fuzzy feeling. I gave YEARS of loyal service and they're going to get their karma very soon even if my malicious compliance is a drop in the bucket.

My girlfriend is like √(-100) She's a 10, but she is also imaginary. Edit: If someone has lots of kindness in their heart please gild /u/gamesthatown. I got this joke from yikyak and tried to check if it was on reddit but I missed his [post](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2da2d0/my_girlfriend_is_the_squareroot_of_100/).

A father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is. His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.” Confused, his dad agrees, and on his fifteenth birthday, the son opens his present to find a single pig pong ball inside. “Dad! Thank you so much! I am the happiest kid on this planet!” The next day, the father goes into his son’s room but doesn’t find the ping pong ball anywhere. Next year rolls around, and the father asks his son what he wants for his birthday, probably a car, or a new video game. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The father, only wanting to please his son, asks what that one thing is. His son says to him, “I want a ten pack of ping pong balls.” The father was a little weirded out, but he did as his son wished, and on his sixteenth birthday, the son opened his present to find a pack of ping pong balls. “Dad thank you so much! I love them!” The next day, he goes up to his son’s room, and doesn’t find one ping pong ball anywhere. Twelve months pass, and it’s time for the son to turn seventeen. The father, ready for whatever outrageous gift his son might want, asks him what he would like for his birthday. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, thinking he’s about to spend a shitload of money on a new car, asks his son what that thing is. “I want a jug of ping pong balls.” The dad, who was just taken aback by the whole situation, bought his son a jug of ping pong balls to open on his seventeenth birthday. “Oh my god! Dad thank you so much!” On the next day, the dad goes into his son’s room, but doesn’t find a single ping pong ball anywhere. Four seasons pass, and his son is becoming an adult. The father, who is about to send his only son to college, prepares himself for the amount of money he is about to spend on his favorite kid to send him to his alma mater, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The father asks him what that one thing just might be. “Well dad, I want a warehouse full of ping pong balls.” The dad is like, holy shit? “What is up with my son and his ping pong balls?” But he does as his son wishes, and the next day, he drives his son to the an old abandoned warehouse. They open the door, and ping pong balls just roll out. Everywhere. “Dad. Thank you so much. I love you!” Around 24 hours later, the dad drives down to the warehouse, opens the door, but there’s not a single ping pong ball inside. 8,772 hours later, the son is turning nineteen. But a few days before his birthday, he is in an awful wreck. He’s hospitalized. Hooked up to thirty different machines. The father is devastated. He goes into his son’s hospital room, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. “Son, I’m going to make this your best birthday yet. I will buy you anything. Anything you want.” His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, who is already up to protocol, is like, “alright. How many ping pong balls do you want this time?” “I want a boatload. As many as you can buy.” The father, just trying to make his son’s days in the hospital enjoyable, buys a boatload of ping pong balls. He buys out every warehouse of ping pong balls. Uses his life savings to buy every single ping pong ball in America. He walks into his son’s hospital room to tell him the news. “Dad I can’t believe you bought me all of these ping pong balls. How can I ever repay you?” The dad, who wants to know what the fuck is up with his son and these ping pong balls, asks, “well there is one way son.” “What is it Dad?” “What do you do with all of these fucking ping pong balls?” The son was happy to tell his dad what he did with the ping pong balls. “Well dad,” he started, but never finished. The son died. Edit: thank you for the upvotes and the gold. I am very humbled by you guys and the attention this has received. You guys are truly the best.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Critical Error:Temporary solution no longer temporary Years ago I was working on an IT contract with a bunch of some of the worst managers I'd ever encountered. Malicious compliance: we discussed renewal of my 1 year contract and they said no, I was too junior (it was one of my first IT contacts). BUT they set me an impossible task and demanded that I finish it in the few weeks I had until my contract ran out. I told them it was impossible but they insisted they only needed a temporary solution so I should be able to do it, if not, I'd face disciplinary action and they would give me bad references for not being able to do the job. So I complied and set myself to do it, but I'd do it with an extra bit of functionality - like a sting in the tail. Here's the full story: They demanded that I develop a system for them which was way out of scope for what I was being paid, and job description. It would require a huge amount of effort and stress. They said I can't get paid anything extra for it because it was only a "temporary solution" and that at some stage in future they'd get "real professionals" to come in and set up a "real" and permanent solution. I did it anyway, out of a misguided youthful sense of duty, and it was a massively good learning opportunity. But it took its toll on my mental health because of the bullying and threats, and zero gratitude when I delivered a fine product that surpassed everyone's dreams. I saved them hundreds of thousands of dollars in development costs, and my system immediately generated colossal revenues and savings. My contract ended and they offered me an insulting bonus (way less than even my monthly rate). Once again reminding me that this was only a temporary solution until they got a "real" project and dev team in place to build the real thing. But I turned the tables on them. I'd made sure from the start that all my code was inaccessible and then I'd set a timer so that after a certain time period since my last log in, the whole system would stop working. Instead, it would generate a continuous repeating error message "CRITICAL ERROR: Overclock collision: Temporary Solution no longer temporary" I heard it caused them a massive loss of business because my system had worked so well they'd decided to keep it instead of getting something "real". But never called me up to offer thanks or rewards. So when the director phoned me in desperation when it broke I just said there was nothing I could do as I was fully engaged at this time and had no idea what that error was about - must have been something they'd done. I was as friendly as can be but basically put the phone down asap and ignored future calls, except a few where I'd fake it like "sorry can't talk, just boarding a flight". Am I evil. No. In all the times they contacted me they never once expressed recognition for my fine work, the huge benefits I'd brought them, and no regret for the disgusting way they bullied and threatened me while working for them. In fact, on the first call, the director still spoke to me in a bullying and threatening tone. He only started to get polite at the point where he realised I was about to put the phone down after telling him I'm currently fully booked. That was one of my first ever contracts. They were so horrible to me. I was young and inexperienced so didn't know how to deal with the situation at the time. I hear they finally got a "real" system, but it took 3 times longer to get it up and running than I'd done alone, and they'd hired 3 developers to do the work.

Donald Trump is president of the USA.

I have a bed, but do not sleep. I have a mouth, but do not eat. What am I? Tired and hungry

A man walks into a bar and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him. So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish." So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, "I want a million ducks!" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky, hundreds and thousands of cash scattered everywhere. So the man collects all the cash and walks back into the bar to return the lamp. The bartender, who witnessed the whole event asks, "Wow, how did you know that the genie was hard of hearing?" "Well," the man replies, "I see this joke posted here every day."

Wont give me the card to get fuel? Enjoy the towing bill I was just reminded of something that happened to me back in the early 90s. I was managing a warehouse for a furniture company. We were busy enough to keep a small 12 foot box truck and a pickup running around delivering all day. Part of my job was also deliveries. So, even though I was warehouse manager, I did not have access to the fuel credit card. It was kept locked up in the boss' desk. This particular day, the truck was down to about an 1/8th of a tank, something you should never do with a diesel, so I asked for the card to fill it up to make a delivery. The boss would ordinarily not have a problem with this, but he was out that day and I had to deal with the head salesman who decided that an 1/8th of a tank was perfectly adequate to make this delivery. I could fill it up when I get back. So, make the delivery, and on the way back, the truck starts running out of fuel, it would die and I would restart and we could make it a mile and it would die again. I get it into the station and it dies as we coast in. Call the salesman, he huffs and puffs, and finally sends somebody out with the card about an hour later. We fill it up and she won't start. We ran her so low, we pulled air and the whole system needs to be bled. So, truck gets towed to the repair place and bled. They put in a new filter just to be sure. Its out of commission for two days, so we have to rent a truck. So all told, we missed all the deliveries for the rest of that day, had to pay to have the truck towed, and repaired, and had to rent a truck.. all because the head salesman had to be a dick and not want to give me the card. He got a serious chewing out over that, and never again did he give anybody any trouble about handing over the card. I wish I could say everything was roses over that, but he was always a dick and would find new ways to be a dick to us, but never with the fuel card after that.

A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking. A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, tightened a couple of nuts, and the sink worked perfectly again. The professor was delighted. But when, a minute later, the plumber handed him the bill, he was shocked. “This is a third of my monthly salary!” “Yeah, I get it…” said the plumber. “Why don’t you come work for our company as a plumber? You’ll make three times more than you do as a professor. Just remember: when you apply, say you only finished seventh grade. They don’t like hiring educated people.” So the professor got a job as a plumber, and his life really did improve. All he had to do was tighten a nut here and there every so often, and his salary was much higher. One day, the management of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to attend evening classes to finish eighth grade. So our professor had to go too. By chance, the very first class was math. The evening school teacher, wanting to check what the students knew, asked for the formula for the area of a circle. They called the professor up to the board, and he suddenly realized he’d forgotten it. He started frantically reasoning it out, covering the board with integrals, differentials, and all sorts of fancy formulas to re-derive the result. In the end, he got: S = –π r² He didn’t like the minus sign, so he started again. Again he got a minus. No matter what he did, it kept coming out negative. He cast a panicked look at the class, and all the plumbers were whispering: “Swap the limits of integration!”

My grandfather's favorite joke. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where ya left it. [My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.] Edit: Sorry I am relatively new to reddit so I've added some brackets thanks guys! Edit 2:I decided to show my grandfather this, he LOVED IT he was smiling after I told him people from the Internet liked his joke. He was laughing at all your jokes too (especially the what do you call a dog with no legs one). Thanks guys, it means a lot. :)

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies? A fart. *dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

Why can't Helen Keller see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Because she died in 1968 which predates the birth of Cinnamon Toast Crunch by 16 years.

I realized why there's a 'k' in dark and not a 'c' Because you can't see in the dark. Edit: This joke is not OC. It's OK

The 3 Spies There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!". EDIT: Glad everyone likes this joke. I want to give credit to a great friend of mine named Ron who told it to me.

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment? Tenants.

The creator of this sub, u/viper565, has passed away yesterday after a two year battle with cancer. I did not know him personally; I was contacted by another user who did. I will not give out his name as per reddit's personal info rules but I understand he was young, barely a year out of school. [His last post on reddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/comments/2fdmkt/how_did_the_moderator_react_when_they_saw_their/) was made almost two years ago and it was an anti-joke in our subreddit: >How did the moderator react when they saw their subreddit had 40,000 subscribers? >"Heh. Cool." When I took over /r/AntiJokes a few years earlier, I think the subscriber count was barely in the hundreds. I hope he was happy to see he had started such a nice community. May he rest in peace.

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it. I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia... otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush. Edit: Sorry for picking on you WV, when there appears to be numerous other states I could have equally offended with this joke.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian... ..an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Thai, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean walk into a restaurant. "Sorry, we don't have that many tables left today," said the manager, "Please consider booking in advance the next time."

What do you call a cross between a Toyota and a Honda? A cross. Some priest must have dropped it

What was the president's name in 1985? Donald Trump.

Toddler Poop Cult So I work in a toddler room, and the toddlers were starting to get really into potty humour, as is typical for that age. They had started talking about poop at the lunch table, so my head teacher told them you can only talk about bathroom stuff in the bathroom and would send them into the bathroom to get it out of their system before coming back to the table. They immediately realized the loophole we just gave them and started going into the bathroom and saying every potty related word they knew, we hoped it would blow over once they got bored because at this point it was too late to take it back. Fast forward a couple days later, we are trying to do a circle but there are 5 toddlers all congregated in the little bathroom chanting " poop in the butt! Poop in the butt!" We can't even say anything cause like ... they ARE in the bathroom. So we had to sit there and wait for the weird poop cult to finish before we could start circle. **Repost because it was originally taken down for rule 6- I added more clarification in this new post about how absolutely intentional this was, toddlers are honestly too smart for their own good sometimes!

My friend said to me “what rhymes with orange” I said “no, it doesn’t.”

A man received the following text from his neighbor. “I am so sorry, Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I’ve been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I don’t get it at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.” Bob, in complete shock, didn’t know what to do... A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn spell check! I meant Wi-Fi!”

[removed] Should’ve read the description better

It’s not rape if... Both people are above the age of consent and have both consented to sexual intercourse.

I saw a bug in my drink, so I tried to get it out using my finger. The bug became an afterthought as soon as I saw my nail polish turn from pink to black.

According to studies, a man that excessively masturbates has a tendency to forget important pieces of information. I did have a punchline for this joke.

A joke to tell your friends in-person So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though. So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have? *Wait until your friend replies it's three stories* Now, this guy's a real asshole and thinks he can do everything right, and anyone who doesn't do it his way is wrong. So he goes into the first story, and he sees a guy walking on stilts. He says, "That's not how you walk on stilts!" The stilts guy gets down from his stilts, goes over, slaps him in the face and says, "Hey, who's walking on stilts here, you or me?" So the guy goes up to the second story and he sees a guy doing gymnastics. He says, "That's not how you do gymnastics!" So the gymnastics guy gets up, goes over, slaps him in the face and says "Hey! Who's doing gymnastics here, you or me?" So the guy goes up to the third story, where he sees a guy flipping pancakes. He says, "That's not how you flip pancakes!" So the guy takes the frying pan, goes over, slaps him in the face with it and says, "Hey, who's flipping pancakes here, you or me?" So the guy goes up to the fourth story... *Stare meaningfully at your friend until they tell you there are only three stories* Slap them in the face and say "Hey! Who's telling the joke here, you or me?"

12 secrets McDonald's employees won't tell you Well they didn't tell me either

MC on boss lead to new job and him being fired Nearly 30 years ago I worked for the US National Sales company for a major automotive brand. I was in product planning working on the launch of new model vehicles but was junior level at the time. My boss was a real hard ass on things and was the type that when he did something wrong then it was someone else's fault or if it was a good thing that happened, he would take all the credit. One Friday he dumped in my lap that a shipment of wheels and tires had to be sent to Europe for following Monday as part of a photoshoot. This was the same trip that he had previously denied my travel request to support the event. Also, he knew about these wheels and tires a week or more prior and I think he was trying to make me look bad by dumping it on me last minute. When i asked him about how I was supposed to get these packed and shipped for arrival in 2-days he told me to just get it done and not to bother him with the detail. Further, he wanted the wheels and tires back ASAP after the photoshoot. Trigger MC on this. So I booked a flight to Europe and took the wheels and tires as over-sized luggage. I then rented a van, collected the wheels and tires, and took them to the photoshoot. I took care of business, hung around for the next two days and then took the wheels and tires back with me on return flight on Tuesday morning. What was so sweet was that the executives on site were very impressed by my dedication to make the photoshoot a success. Apparently, one of the executives sent a note to my boss, praising my support in making the event work. To say my boss was pissed at me was understatement. However, what could he do but take the credit as his plan? Shortly after this I was offered the role of as Vehicle Manager in Corporate Communications group which I gladly took, even though my boss tried to prevent it. My former boss was let go about 4 months later. Apparently, he had no one else to blame for his mess ups.

What starts with an F and ends in uck. No, what starts with a w and ends in hat.

How do you fight off three home intruders with nothing but a TV remote? Please respond quickly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it,” I heard my voice say from the other side of the door. After spending months in those woods, I finally realized why my family had never sent a search party to find me.

A joke is like a frog... When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it. Edit: /u/elliot91 caught me out on my shameless [copy paste](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pcec3/a_joke_is_like_a_frog/). All my upvotes are belong to him.