50+ Anniversary Jokes

My late Grandfathers favorite joke There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength. News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas. John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip” The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”. Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?” With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.” “What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified” “I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls” (Today is the anniversary of my Grandfather’s passing, and I posted this because he has been on my mind since I woke up. I just saw the response that this has garnered and I am fuckin crying. Thank you all so much. You have made this day so much better)

My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36. Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

"If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." OK then. *I first wrote this four years ago for this sub, when a lot of you enjoyed it. I've re-written and updated/expanded it and corrected some mistakes. Enjoy. This took place around December 1992-January 1993.* I got a job as a security guard after leaving the Army, because I wasn't qualified to do much else, and I hadn't decided if I was going to college yet or not. The company refused to pay very much so they had high turnover. Because of the turnover, they had small raises built in at 90 days, six months and a year as an incentive to stay on. I needed a job, and until I had my shit together, this would do. So I showed up and worked. My one year anniversary rolls around and I don't see my 50 cents an hour raise in my paycheck, but something more like 35 cents. So I called the boss. My three and sixth month raises had been delivered with no issues, so I was surprised my one year anniversary hadn't shown up. Supposedly they wanted to give all employees a raise, so they did. And yes, I got a small raise, along with all the other guards - a few hundred of us. It was something like 35 cents an hour for each of us. Ok, fine, but what about my promised 50 cents an hour? As far as I was concerned, this 35 cents an hour was something you initiated, after promising me more, so this is bonus. When I called the manager, I was told I wasn't going to get a raise for my one year raise because, "You just got a raise. No one gets two raises at once. If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." In other words, they were trying to claim a 35 cent an hour raise for every employee somehow was over-riding the fact that I was owed an additional 50 cent an hour longevity raise. I'm sure there were others caught up like that. Fine. They want to give me 35 cents an hour of a raise and tell me that is equal to the 85 cents an hour? I'll find something better. I spent the next week calling in sick and showing up late while job hunting. Called the office at the end of my last day, and told them I was done and they could find someone else, giving them no notice at all. Panic mode ensued. Everyone else was at 40 hours for the week and they hated paying overtime. One of the salaried managers had to cover for me. They told me to quit, so I did. I'm a teacher now, near retirement. My raises are still shit. But at least I can (barely) live off of it and I have a (shitty) union for now, which is more than I had then. A few more cents an hour and they could have kept me as a wage slave. Crazy that I would even consider it now, looking back on it. At least I enjoy my job today, as crazy as the kids are.

My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?" “And as you can see… here we are. In bed.”

My girlfriend is 19 and I’m 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed. It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary

Malicious Compliance in the Classroom During the 1992-‘93 school year I was teaching 5th grade. Our school was celebrating the 500th anniversary of Columbus getting lost. Each wing had to decorate their door and the hallway outside the door with either something Columbus brought to the new world or something he took back to Europe. My wing was supposed to do something he brought so I did Diseases. My dick of a principal was NOT happy but I had an article in a major magazine (either Time or Newsweek) to back me up so he couldn’t stop me. It was awesome! The principal was a major ass pain and I did stuff like this the entire five years I worked for him.

It's midnight and a woman awakes to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15", he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears because her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

He asked his wife what she wanted for their anniversary and she said 'nothing,' so he got her nothing — wrapped the absence in a box with a bow, placed it on the table, and watched her open it. She stared into the void he'd given her, and something stared back, and now they both serve the *Nothing* that lives in their home, feeding it their memories one anniversary at a time.

a nice Italian couple . . . At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Al and lucy are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

A white man and black man share an anniversary Because they married each other.

A husband and wife head to the golf course... A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favourite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt. "Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I slept with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me." The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you." The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband. "Honey, I too have something to confess." The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything." "Before we met, I had a sex change. I used to be a man." The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!" The husband, red faced, turns to her. "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheating piece of shit!"

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

A rich man and poor man are at a bar. A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, 'it's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday.' The poor man looks astonished, 'it's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday! What are you planning on getting her?' The rich man goes, 'I'm getting her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.' The poor man, looking confused, asks, 'why both? Isn't one or the other surely enough?' The rich man responds, 'well, I figure if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has a nice car. What are you getting your wife?' The poor man looks down, 'I'm getting her a pair of slippers and a dildo.' The rich man is taken aback, 'slippers and a dildo, that's an odd combination?' The poor man looks up, 'well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.'

I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night and people kept calling me a pedophile, just because I'm 53 and she is 22... ...totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

I am 38, last night i was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ... It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

Bob was in trouble... Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Confensual sex A couple had been married for 40 years, and decided for their anniversary they would go to the same spot they went on their honeymoon those 40 years ago. It was a nice little spot by a farm, with rolling hills visible in the distance. As they strolled down a path next to the cows, the husband smacked his wife on the behind and said "You know honey, 40 years ago we had sex right here, up against this fence. You remember?" She replied "Yes, I do remember. We sure were something back then, werent we?" He answered "Indeed. How about we do it again for old time's sake?" With that, they proceeded to have sex up against the same fence that they done it against as newlyweds. When finished, the old man exclaimed "Wow honey, you really had a good time, didnt you? You havent moved that much in a long time, in fact, I dont even know if you moved that much when we had sex here 40 years ago!" She said "Well, 40 years ago that fence wasnt electrified."

A husband and wife are celebrating their 20th anniversary....... The wife is naked in front of her husband and says " The first time you saw me naked you said you wanted to suck my tits dry and fuck my brains out. What do you think now?" The husband looks at his wife and says "I think I did a pretty good job".

Went to dinner with my girlfriend tonight and got called a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 19. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22...... It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.

The man with a tiny penis A man had an extremely small penis he was very ashamed of. Fortunately for him, he found a lovely woman that he eventually decided to marry and make his wife. On their wedding night, he whispered to his new bride that it turned him on to have the room in complete darkness. In the dark, they messed around for a bit before the man pulled out a decent-sized dildo and used it on his wife. This ritual continued every night for 30 years. On their 30-year anniversary, tired of having sex in the dark, the man's wife begged the man to let her turn the lights on just for the night while they had sex. The man completely refused. While fooling around in the dark, just as the man brought out the dildo and was about to use it on his wife, she reached out and turned the bedside lamp on, her eyes widening in shock at the sight of the sex toy. "HOW DARE YOU?? So for 30 years you have lied to me?? You betrayed me and my trust!" The man calmly looked at his wife, "Oh yeah? Then how do you explain our two kids?"

An elderly couple are enjoying their 75th anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

A man and his wife were sharing their very first wedding anniversary... (NSFW) The wife says "Honey, I'll do anything you want for you tonight" Husband replies "Nice! How about a 69er!" "I can't, I'm on my period!" "I don't give a fuck!" "Well" she says, "if you don't care then I certainly don't, let's do it." So they are going at it for a bit when the dorbell rings, and the husband says "Fuck sakes, who could that be? Go answer the door hun" She says "Fucking look at me! I'm a mess! I can't answer the door! YOU answer it!" "Look at my face! I can't go out there looking like this!" She says "Just tell them you were eating a jam sandwich and got carried away" "Alright" the man says, and proceeds to answer the door. It was the mailman. "Hi I have a delivery fo...WHAT IN THE FUCK!?" Husband says "Ohhh don't mind my face, I was eating a jam sandwich and I got a little crazy with it." Mailman replies, "Sir I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth, I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

A retired navy admiral's daughter is about to get married to a young naval officer The night before the wedding the admiral approaches his daughter. "You know I served in the navy for 40 years and the guys are great. But being out at sea for so long they get into some funny stuff. I want you to have a happy marriage but promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way you will refuse" "What do you mean? What's the other way?" "Never you mind what it is. Just promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way, you will say no" "Ok dad I promise." They hug and prepare for the big day. The young couple get married and like all newlyweds have a very active sex life. But every day the daughter is getting ever more curious about what "the other way" is. After a year, she turns to her husband and says "Honey. For our first anniversary, I was hoping we could try something different. Could we do it the other way?" Her husband looks shocked and yells "What??? And risk you getting pregnant???"

20 Long Years A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. “What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?” The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.” She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.” Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'” “I remember that too,” she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

My Friends Call Me A Pedophile Because she's 18 and I'm 30, but I'll be damned if I let them ruin our seven year anniversary.

How do you remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.

No one believes seniors . . . An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, “We've got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, “No.” Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Sally said, “Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.” The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One police officer asked Jerry to tell him the story from the beginning. Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

50th anniversary A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is. Didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other deeply, but we never found the time to actually get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad... "and cheap ones too!"

A joke Bob use to tell me Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. *Edit: Last bit of information removed to spotlight the punch line.*

A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary... A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary and are heading up to bed for some twentieth anniversary maritals. On the way up the stairs the woman glances at the pictures of their children and thinks about how much she loves her life. Once they get to the bedroom the man turns off the light and they get down to business. Mid-coitus the woman realizes that in the twenty years she's been married (and the four they dated) she has never seen her husband fully naked. Perplexed by her realization, she uses a lull in the ploughing to turn the lamp on. Click! The man is wearing a strap-on dildo. The two freeze, sharing a strangely intimate moment of shock and confusion. Finally the man clears his throat. "I'll explain the toy if you explain our kids." Click!

Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She will love this pack of playing cards.

On the anniversary of Harambe's death... the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii... ...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.

A woman awakes at night... A  woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in  bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend... An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this." Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a deepthroat professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!" The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks. The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though." "Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?" "The peeling."

A husband was in big trouble... A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

HOT BREAKFAST ! An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. "Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago." "Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?" The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

My wife and I have the same birthday Coincidentally, we also have the same wedding anniversary!

Where is Jim? He forgot his 20th wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Jim has been missing since Friday.

Joke I heard on the Sopranos A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back to store in her new car, come home and still be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend. It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

A Husband And Wife Go Golfing A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt. "Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I was with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me." The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you." The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband. "Honey, I too have something to confess." The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything." "Before we met, I had an operation. I used to be a man." The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!" The husband, red faced, turns to her and says, "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!!"

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

A husband and wife... A husband and wife are celebrating their 10th anniversary. The husband surprises her and takes her on a vacation to a tropical island, far away. Getting excited the wife says, "If this is for our 10th anniversary then what are you planning for our 25th?" The husband says back, "I'll send over a jet to pick you up."

On the night of their 40th anniversary On the night of their 40th anniversary the wife asks her husband: "What were you thinking about, at this moment, fourty years ago?" The husband replies: "How I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The wife responds: "What are you thinking right now?" The husband says: "I think I have done a pretty good job."

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted that position, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

Fifty Years of Marriage An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage. "Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them. "That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks. "Well, you have to do nice things for your wife." "Such as?" "Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy." "That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?" "I'm going back to visit her."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.... As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

I collect coins and old paper money. For our anniversary, my wife surprised me with a $1,000 bill! Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.

A monk joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence To encourage reflection, the monks who vow silence are required to share one thought on the five-year anniversary with the head Monk. After five years, the monk meets with the head monk and he says, "food is bland, should be spicy to engage our senses!" Five years later, another thought, "Bed too hard, should be softer to allow easy rest to encourage restful body." Five years later, he meets with the head Monk. "I can't take it anymore! I'm ending my vow and leaving the Monastery!" "Good!" The head monk responds, "All you've done for 15 years is complain!"

Beautiful Buns From my father. So there was this man and woman whom had been married for many years and were still very much in love. Their anniversary was coming up and the wife wanted to do something very special for her husband and comes up with a wonderful gesture. She goes to a tattoo parlor and explains to the artist, "Every morning, for all the years we've been married, my husband grabs my behind and says 'what beautiful buns you have' so i would like to get a tattoo where is says 'beautiful' on one cheek and 'buns" on the other". The tattoo artist agrees this is a wonderful gesture but says "unfortunately it will look uneven since you have such small buns". Disappointed, the wife finally comes up with an idea, "well... what if we just but a 'B' on each cheek, it's only for my husband to see and he'll know what it means?" The artist thinks is a wonderful compromise and proceeds to ink out eloquent B's, one on each cheek. The wife goes home and is excited to share with her husband. A couple of days go by and finally it is the night of their anniversary. After a nice dinner and a little dancing they arrive back home. "My lovely husband," she says, "because i know how much you love my beautiful buns, i got you something very special for this anniversary." She then turns around, undoes her jeans, slips them down, and bends over to show her husband her amazing gift. "So," she asks "what do you think?" "It's great" he says "but who the hell is Bob?"

My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree. We just had our anniversary dinner last week.

A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary ..... As the wife stands naked in front of her husband she says 'Do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night?' Husband replies 'Yes, I said I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out'. The wife says 'And looking at me now, what do you think?' The husband looks at his naked wife and says 'I think I did a pretty good job'.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

What does a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men usually miss all three.

Anniversary gift A man decides that he is really going to spoil his wife for their anniversary this year, so he splashes out on some expensive lingerie for her. On receiving the gift, she smiles and gives him a peck on the cheek - and he feels slightly annoyed that she doesn't seem to truly appreciate how much thought he put in to the gift. Finally, after three days of resentment he confronts her: "You haven't really even thanked me properly for the lovely gift I got you - I don't know why I even bother" To which the wife replies "Oh, I'm sorry darling - I love the lingerie! I've had numerous compliments already!"

I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 20. We were at a bar tonight and people kept giving us dirty looks. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

My anniversary is coming up Friday is my anniversary, I'll have been married for 35 years. Really it only 5 years, but I count in dog years because my wife is such a bitch.

Vaseline For their 50'th anniversary an industrial grade vaseline company decided to give away $10,000 in prizes to their customers with the most original use for their product. One particular couple stood out from the crowd by far: Couple: We use it when we have sex. It works amazing. Company: But this is an industrial lubricant. it can be harmful for your health. Couple: Oh no dear. We just smear the door knob to our room so the kids can't get in Edit: Put $ sign in front of sum. also comma instead of full stop

A Rich Man and a Poor Man(Seen on The Sopranos) A rich man, and a poor man share the same wedding anniversary. Every year they meet up to compare gifts. One particular year they meet up on a park bench, and the rich man starts by saying: "I got my wife a diamond ring, and a new Mercedes. That way if the ring isn't right she can drive back to the jeweler, and still be happy in her new car." The poor man looks at him, and says: "I got my wife a pair of slippers, and a dildo. That way if she don't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

A husband forgot his wife's anniversary... So a husband forgot that today was his anniversary, and naturally, his wife was upset and mad at him. The wife then gave him an ultimatum. "If I dont see something chrome plated that can go 0-100 in less than 5 seconds in the garage by tomorrow morning, the neighbors will see you walking away from this house with a large suitcase." The husband, worried, went away and thought to himself "what in the world could she possibly want..." He thought long and hard, and finally thought of something that would be perfect for her. In fact, it was exactly what she asked for! "How could this ever go wrong!" he thought to himself. The next day rolls around, and the husband takes his wife's hand to the garage. The wife, not seeing anything, asks "where is it?" The husband points at the floor, on which lay a chrome plated weighing scale.

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday!

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex. Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers... ...and stuck my cock in her mouth

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She said, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. His wife woke up to find a gift wrapped box in the middle of their driveway. Confused she went to check it out. She opened it and found a weighing scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

A 70 year old man buys his wife a present For their 50th wedding anniversary a 70 year old man buys his wife a see through night gown The next day he goes back to the store and returns it Cashier: I'm sorry you were unsatisfied with our product. May I ask what was wrong with it? 70 Year Old Man: It was all wrinkled

I was at a job interview... I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question. R.I.P Mitch Hedberg

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.... His wife was mad. She said "Tomorrow morning there better be a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds!" The next morning there was a box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob's been missing since Friday.

Romance Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fairto warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that'sgoing to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn’t speak to him for 6 months. It was part of the deal

What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary? Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator).

It is Bob's anniversary It's Bob's 15th anniversary and he forgot. When he came home from work he didn't notice his wife was all made up with make up and a pretty dress. Bob asked his wife what was for dinner but she kept hinting that they should have a date night but Bob getting from work was tired so he made a sandwich and then took a nap. When Bob woke up, his wife was standing over him with a furious look on her face before she screamed "YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY" Bob realized he just screwed up in a major way, but before he could make amends his wife kicked him while shouting " IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP IN THIS AGAIN THERE HAD BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 200 IN LESS THAN 3 SECONDS". When Bob's wife woke up in the morning there was a small box in the driveway. She opened the box and in side she found : a bathroom scale. Bob Has Been Missing since monday

Last minute anniversary gift (x-post from r/cleanjokes) A devoted husband has made it a tradition to buy his beautiful wife beautiful flora for their anniversary. Though his plant of choice is not roses nor tulips, but her favorite: anemone Alas, there was no anemone in stock this year at the local nursery. "What else can I buy my wife for our anniversary?" Said he, very distraught, "Anemone are her favourite!" The teller responded, "Perhaps I can interest you in some exotic ferns. They are equally rare and difficult to maintain." With little choice, the husband agreed. On the day of their anniversary, the husband revealed his gift, stating that he tried to buy her beloved plants, but could not and bought ferns instead. The wife replied, "I love them, they're even more beautiful... **With fronds like these, who needs anemones!**"

A rich man & a poor man have the same wedding anniversary... They both go to Sacs Fifth Avenue to get a gift. The poor man asks the rich man, "What did you get your wife this year?". The rich man responds, " I got her a diamond ring & a Mercedes Benz" to which the poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?". So the rich man says, "I got both so that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can drive the Mercedes to return it & still be happy. So, what did you get your wife this year?" The poor man responds, "I got my wife a pair of slippers & a dildo". The rich man is confused & finally asks the same, " Why'd you get her both the pair of slippers & a dildo?". He tells him, "So that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself." This joke, although retold poorly, came from Tony Soprano on an old Sopranos episode. I always get a laugh from it.

Anniversary Lingerie For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie. He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out." "Well, what do you think today?" He says, "I think I did a good job."

Beautiful butt tattoo For a couples anniversary, this guys wife wants to get the words "beautiful butt" tattoo'd across her ass, since he's always saying how beautiful her butt is. She goes to get the tattoo, but the artist says that the words are too long and she doesn't have enough room. She decided to abbreviate the words to BB, one B on each cheek. The artist says he can do that. She gets home to find her husband in bed reading. She strips for him, and turns around and bends over and grabs her ankles. Her husband looks at her ass and says "Who the hell is BOB?"

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering... Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

A rich man and a poor man share the same wedding anniversary... They meet each other after shopping every year on the same day. Poor man asks "what'd you get the wife this year?" Rich man says, "I got her a diamond ring and a mercedes." Poor man responds, "Why did you get her both?" Rich man says, "If she doesnt like the ring, she can return it in her new mercedes and still be happy." The rich man asks, "So, What you get your wife?" Poor man says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo." Rich man asks, "why did you get both a pair of slippers and a dildo?" Poor man responds, "If she doesnt like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

Tombstones A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Anniversary deal The night before our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex. I was up first the next morning so I slowly pulled back the covers and stuck my cock in her mouth.

A woman is preparing dinner for her 50th anniversary... Everything is perfect. The placement of the cutlery, the food, everything. Her husband told her that he'd be home by 5:30. However, it turns 5:30, and he's not home. She assumes it's traffic, so gives him another 20 minutes. 6:00, and still nothing- not even a phone call. 7:00. The food has gone cold and some is starting to attract flies. It rains, and she hates herself for having the meal outside. It's now 8:00, and she decides to call her husband up. "Ok, where the fuck are you?!" "Honey, please, calm down" "No! Where are you?" "Well, do you remember the other day we were in town, and you saw that ring you really liked?" Her voice starts to calm now "Yes dearie?" "Well I'm in the pub opposite."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary... A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc. The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.

Wedding anniversary A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man! "

I walked past the pub the other day with my girlfriend, and they wouldn't stop calling me a paodophile just cause I'm 30 and she's 20 They completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

A special 25th anniversary. A husband and wife are eating dinner together, and the husband says "Honey, I came up with something for us to do on our 25th anniversary coming up next month." Surprised, his wife asks "Really?! I can't believe you remembered it, let alone have a plan for us!" The husband smiles at her and says "I'm taking you to Hawaii!" The wife was completely dumbfounded, they had never gone away on a vacation like that. She started to tear up and responded "Oh, that sounds absolutely amazing!". "And can you guess what I have planned for our 50th anniversary?" He asks her. She shook her head 'no', as she was still too shaken up to speak. He just smiles and says "I'm going to come pick you up."

Husband and Wife A husband and wife are on their honeymoon and laying in bed the wife says, "I am so happy. We are going to have a wonderful life together. Is there anything I can do for you?" The man replies, "Please give me a blowjob." His wife quickly tells him, "I can't do that, honey. You wouldn't respect me." Every anniversary the wife asks the same question and every year the husband asks for head. Each time she replies, "I can't do that. You wouldn't respect me." Finally, on their 50th anniversary the husband says, "Look, we have spent 50 wonderful years together and raised a beautiful family. We are proud grandparents and both enjoying our retirement. Could you please give me a blowjob? It's all I ever wanted." The wife thinks about it for a moment and despite her worries of her husband not respecting her, she decides to do it. This blowjob was 50 years in the waiting and the man was thoroughly enjoying it. A few moments into it and the phone rings. The husband picks it up and looks down at his wife and hands the phone to her and says, "Here. It's for you, cocksucker."

"Celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary!!" A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

An elderly couple... An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, "No." Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We’re outta here!"

An older couple on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary An older couple is sitting down to breakfast on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says "Honey, we were wild and crazy when we were newlyweds. What do you suppose we were doing on the morning after we were married 50 years ago?" The husband says "We were probably sitting around naked at the breakfast table." "Why don't we do that now? You know...for old times sake?" says the wife. The husband agrees and they both strip and sit back at the table. The wife leans over and says "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago." The husband says "Of course they are. One's in your oatmeal and the other's in your coffee."

For our 25 year anniversary, my wife asked me for a present that goes from 0-200 in seconds. I got her a bathroom scale.

My girlfriend's dad accused me of being a pedophile just because she's 18 and I'm 32. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

My husband is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I’m not sure how; I didn’t even know it was today.

No one believes seniors... everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . " The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Anniversary On their 40th anniversary, a woman gives her husband a voucher to visit a witch doctor about his erectile dysfunction. The man asks the doctor what to do about his problem-he just had trouble standing at attention, now that he's over the hill. The witch doctor gives him a medicine and says, "When you're ready to have sex, drink this potion and say, 'one, two, three' to have an erection. When you're finished, say, 'one, two, three, four' to reverse the effects. This only works once, so use it wisely." The man takes his wife to a show and a lovely anniversary dinner, then back home where they get ready for their night of passion. He walks into the bedroom, undresses for her, drinks the potion, and says, 'one, two, three'. In a matter of seconds he's the most well-endowed he's ever been. His wife says, "Wow, what a transformation! But what was the 'one, two, three' for?" That's why you never end your sentence with a preposition, because you'll end up with a dangling participle.