100+ Alien Jokes

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens

In space, two aliens are talking to each other The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other. The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves." Edit: Well thanks for all the votes and the gold!!!!!!!

Once the world population hit 10 billion, aliens started coming to Earth in droves. Apparently, humans were no longer considered a "protected species".

When the government announced that aliens had replaced every animal on the planet, pet owners avenged their companions by slaughtering the so-called “aliens” once they turned aggressive. Suicide rates skyrocketed when it was revealed that the government had lied.

UPDATE: "Make it so a person with zero knowledge could understand it"? Ok. About a year ago, I wrote a [very messy and awkwardly worded post](https://www.reddit.com/r/MaliciousCompliance/comments/1c4y2qi/make_it_so_a_person_with_zero_knowledge_could/), describing how my old boss had me fired due to being a whistleblower, citing my (very proven) unorthodox methods, among other bogus claims, while demanding that I create a document for my future replacement, and "make it so a person with zero knowledge could understand it", which... I did. I didn't expect to even write a follow-up, and definitely not this one. I couldn't have come up with this chain of events if I tried. Predictably, as soon as I left the organization, things quickly began to unravel. Projects fell apart. Partnerships I built disintegrated. Volunteers left (some did so in protest). Community engagement, trust and support from target groups pretty much vanished. My replacement was not only completely clueless, but also a non-functional alcoholic, who didn't even want the job (apparently she was lied to), and drove every single programme to the ground. All of which, in turn, alienated donors as well. But that's not all. One of the comments (u/[SeanBZA](https://www.reddit.com/user/SeanBZA/)) on my old posts suggested I contact IRS, because odds are they would find some fraud going on. Well... You weren't very far off. While I didn't contact any authorities, and generally tried to not escalate anything - I ACCIDENTALLY tipped the manager of the org's biggest funders that something was off. I didn't even realize it until much later. I just ran into him at an event and chatted with him, mentioning that I was fired from the org that December. The manager looked confused. "What do you mean? They said you worked there until March, and left on your own!". After a bit of a puzzled exchange, I also noted that the crew of one of the flagship programmes decided to shut it down a few months earlier... Yeah, the organization reported as if the programme is still running. Long story short... The foundation looked into it, and it was not pretty. **But wait, there's more.** The other biggest funder of the org was a government program. On my very first day at work, I flat out told them this grant was extremely unreliable, and that will last 2-3 years at most before the program gets shut down for being too "progressive", and that they should prepare a backup for when this inevitably happens. Well... Guess how this worked out. And now, for the weirdest plot twist. Ultimately, the CEO decided to jump the sinking and burning ship, and quit (or maybe they got fired?). When I saw the open call for CEO, I decided to be a bit of a troll, and apply. It was mostly just for my own amusement - I wasn't expecting to hear back. Both because of my strained relationship with the org, and because, frankly, despite my expertise in my own field - my relevant experience for this kind of position is fairly limited. I just wanted to rub it in a little. I sent my resume and cover letter, and mostly forgot about it. Well... After a couple of months, they called back. Asked me if I'm still interested in the position, and asked for an interview. I thought about it for a few minutes - and decided to politely decline. It was tempting, honestly. But ultimately, I realized I will hate it, and would probably suck at it, too. My skills are in other places, and my heart is in other places as well. I recently decided to take a break from work altogether to focus on my physical and mental health, and while I'm at it, get a Masters degree. Best of luck to whoever decides to take that position - they're going to need it.

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome... A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" "Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!" A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. "Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!" "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien. "Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?" "Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth... ...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want. During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens. "I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" "Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!" Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information. "EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!" Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate." The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?" The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

I winced as the alien larvae squealed and writhed under my flamethrower’s torrent. Sensing my distress, my commander responded, “If it makes you feel better, they’re not *really* in pain; that’s just the sound Earthlings make when air escapes their lungs.”

A concentrated burst of drake waves can completely disintegrate non human DNA in 0.4 seconds. One pulse from bow to stern vapourised 4 undetected alien infiltrators leaving the remaining crew with nothing but mild gastric distress.

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile Would it be called Alien vs Predator? Edit:I honestly was unaware that this joke had been done before. Not a big robot chicken fan. My bad

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) Alien vs. Predator

Why haven't aliens visited the earth yet? They read the reviews... only one star

A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them... A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them. Upon arriving on the alien ship, they were greeted by a male alien and a female alien. "Do not fear humans, we come with a proposition for you. My wife and I have decided that we would like to have sex with humans, to see what it is like." So after talking it over for a bit, the man and his wife agreed and were taken into separate rooms. The male alien goes on to tell the wife, "You are in full control here. If you want me to go faster, just push or pull my ears. If you want my dick to get bigger, tap me on the head." It was the most exhilarating sexual experience the wife ever had, getting exactly what she wanted. After they were done the alien sent the wife down to her house where her husband was waiting. "How was your experience babe?" she asks. "It was going great, until that bitch grabbed my ears and started punching me in the head."

When the US went to the moon.... ...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.

Female aliens are invading earth and kidnapping men with large cocks. You're in no danger. I'm just writing you to say goodbye.

The alien plague wasn't fatal, it simply forced human flesh to permanently fuse with whatever inorganic material it touched. I am now inextricably molded into my apartment floor, forced to watch as my family melds screaming into the walls, our circulatory systems combining with the plumbing

One night, two aliens descend from outer space... ...and land their little spaceship next to an old gas station in a small town. They get out and walk up to one of the old gas pumps. The little alien says "Take me to your leader." The gas pump doesn't say or do anything. Slightly annoyed, the little alien repeats "Take me to your leader." The gas pump still says or does nothing. The little alien pulls his blaster from his space suit and points it at the pump "Listen to me! If you don't take me to your leader NOW, I'll blow your damn brains out!" The big alien, wanting to calm the situation down pretty quick says "Hang on a minute. I wouldn't fuck with this guy." The little alien replies "No! You watch me! If this asshole doesn't take me to his leader ima fuck his whole life up!" He turns back to the gas pump "If you don't take me to your leader NOW I'm going to shoot!" The gas pump still doesn't say anything. The little alien fired his blaster. The explosion was so powerful that it blew the two aliens far out over the other side of town. They land in the hills and slowly get up, brushing the fire off of their space suits. The big alien says "I told you not to fuck with that guy." "How did you know he was so powerful?" "Well, anyone that can take his own dick, wrap it around himself twice, and stick it in his ear is bound to be one bad mother fucker!"

My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.

A spaceship lands in St. Peter's square in Rome... ... and an alien emerges and is immediately granted an audience with the Pope. After the alien assures the Pope they come in peace, the Pope asks, "I know this question may sound odd, but I was wondering if your people know about Jesus Christ?" "Of course we do!”, says the alien, “He visits our planet every couple years! Fantastic guy!" "Every two years?" gasps the Pope. "We're still waiting for his \*second\* coming!" "Really?”, says the alien. “Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" "Our chocolate?" asks the Pope. "What does chocolate have to do with it?" "Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle? Alien vs Predator.

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest? Alien vs. Predator

Martians arrive on earth... They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question... "I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" the pope asks. "Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party" the aliens respond The pope looks baffled and says "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?" "well..." they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good" the aliens offer "Pardon me?" the pope asks "Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"

I was abducted by aliens last night. They made me wash my hands, brush my hair, straighten my clothes and eat vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator

What do you call a fight between a mexican and a pedophile? Alien VS Predator

What do you call a mexican fighting a priest... Alien Vs Predator

What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist? Alien vs Predator

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat. The boat begins to sink. George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!" George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!" Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

What do you call an illegal immigrant and a pedophile fighting? Alien Vs Predator

What do you call an alien that's also a pedophile? An Extramolestrial

Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" the man asked. "That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

President Trump! What about the aliens from space? We need a ROOF!

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl...... A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says: 'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

The aliens! Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader". The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire." The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don`t screw around with him."

I heard there's a new movie coming out where an illegal immigrant turns vigilante and battles a child molester... They're calling it Alien vs Predator.

Alien Sex An alien couple come down to earth and goes to a swingers party. They swap partners and go to their respective bedrooms. The alien takes off his clothes revealing a one inch cock. The human woman says, "I'm not impressed with this at all." The alien then twists his right ear and and his cock grows ten inches. "Now I am impressed!” says the woman. The alien then twists his left ear and his cock becomes 2 inches thick and he gives the woman the best time of her life. Afterwards, she meets up with her husband and asks, "How was it for you, darling?" "Fucking shit", he replied, "All she did was keep twisting my ears!"

Donald Trumps favorite movie is E. T. Because the fucking alien went back home!

Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language. Interviewer:That seems rather complicated... Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.

A farmer couple is visited by aliens Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the two couples decide to swap spouses just to see what the sex is like. The woman farmer goes to bed with the male alien, looks down at his junk and couldn't hide her disappointment. "That's it?" "Ah, one second," says the alien and cranks one of his ears. His penis lengthens several times in size. "Okay but now it's just weirdly long and skinny..." "Ah, one second," says the alien and cranks his other ear. His penis swells with girth. The next morning, the farmers watch the spaceship fly away. The wife is radiant: "What a night, what a night! I'll never forget it. How about you?" The husband grumbles: "What about me? That bitch spent the whole night just cranking my ears."

Two Aliens in the Desert Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

An alien spaceship lands in a married couple's backyard... The couple goes out to greet them. After introductions and typical small talk, they discover that these aliens are galactic swingers, and they were looking to do a little swapping. The couple decided that, since they were representing all of humanity, they would play along. The wife takes the male alien upstairs to the main bedroom, while the husband takes the female to the guest room. When the male pulls down his pants, the wife discovers he has a tiny penis...smaller than a golf tee. She chuckled a little bit, and told him "We aren't going to be doing much with that little thing!" The alien, with a twinkle in his eye replied..."Come over here and tug on my right ear." So she did, and his penis grew straight out 14 inches! But it was still as thin as a pencil... He then said "Tug on my left ear now..." After doing so, the alien cock fattened up like a super sized summer sausage! The woman smiled...and after a few more minutes of adjusting found the size she liked, and had the best night of sex in her life. The next morning, after the aliens had left for the stars, the husband and wife sat down in the kitchen to have a cup of coffee. The husband, noticing the glow emanating off of his wife, asked how her night went. She replied "It was wonderful! How about yours?" He shrugged his shoulders and said "Meh...it was ok. Weird thing though...she kept playing with my ears all night..."

What do you call a fat alien? An extra-cholesterol. ...I'm so sorry.

In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens. Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?" The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realization, "you mean Jesus of Nazareth?" he exclaims, continuing before the pope can reply, "oh, we know about him! He comes to our world every few months, and he's always so friendly!" The Pope's mouth drops in shock "but...how? Jesus hasn't returned to us for over 2000 years!" The alien leader frowns and thinks for a moment. "well", he finally says, "every time Jesus comes to our world, we give him a box of chocolates. What did you give him the last time he came here?"

I saw a Mexican fighting Jared Fogel I finally saw Alien vs Predator

What Do You Call A Fight Between An Illegal Immigrant And A Child Molester? Alien vs. Predator

Pull on my ears! I heard this one years ago... A couple was driving down the road when a spaceship landed in front of their car. Two aliens got out, they said, "We're a Martian couple, we came down here to have sex with Earthlings and see what that's like. Do you want to have sex with us?" The couple looked at each other and figured, what the hell, when are we going to have this chance again, so they agreed. So, the female alien went off with the male earthling, and the female earthling and the male alien went off to do their thing. Things were getting hot and heavy between them when the male martian took off his pants and said to the woman, "Well, what do you think?" She said, "Well, to be honest, it's smaller than what I'm used to, but I guess it's ok." The martian said, "No, no, that's not all. You see, you pull on my left ear to make it bigger. And you pull on my right ear to make it wider. That way it grows to exactly the size you like." The woman said, "oh wow," pulled on his ears, and they had great sex. Later on, she met back up with her boyfriend and she said, "Well, how was it for you?" He replied, "I guess it would have been ok, but it was hard to concentrate because she just kept on tugging on my ears!"

Two aliens attack on earth Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The other alien shouted to his comrade 'No, you mustn't anger him...!', but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, 'What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?' The other alien answered, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!

A couple was walking down the street when an alien spaceship landed in front of them... An alien couple exited the spaceship and said, ''Hello, earthlings, we come in peace and we want you to tell us all about your planet.'' They talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It sounded very similar to the way the aliens did it so, in the interest of intergalactic friendship and exploration, they decided to trade partners for the night. When the woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed. The alien looked down and said, ''Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.'' And he hit his head twice and it grew to epic proportions. The woman had the greatest sex of her life. The next morning the man asked the woman, ''How was it?'' The woman replied, ''Great! You?'' The man said, ''It sucked. For some reason the alien woman kept hitting me on the head, screaming, 'It's broken! It's broken!'''

I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien... It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".

Two aliens sitting in a bar... The first looks at the second and says "bleep loop do dooee day baaarrggg" The second looks ask at the first a d says "shut up frank, you're drunk"

Two aliens land on Earth for the first time... They just so happen to land beside a remote gas station in Nevada. Upon landing the two aliens exit the spaceship and come upon the gas pump. The alien begins belting out demands to the gas pump. "Take me to your leader or we shall destroy you with our lazers." Obviously, the gas pump does not reply. Frustrated the alien tries again "Take me to your leader or be destroyed!" Sure enough, no reply. Shocked that the gas pump won't respond he warns the pump one more time. "This is the last time! Take me to your leader or I will shoot!" ... The gas pump doesn't reply. The alien cannot believe the arrogance and begins firing his lazer and causes a huge explosion. The two aliens land beside each other after being blown a hundred meters and one looks over to the other and says "man, I knew we shouldn't have fucked with that guy!" Other alien "howd you know?" " Any guy who can wrap his dick over his shoulder twice and stick it in his ear you don't want too fuck with!"

Could be taken as racist, or insecure (maybe both) What do you call a immigrant fighting a rapist. "Alien versus predator"

First "Contact" In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventually decide to swap mates for the evening; the human man going home with the female alien, and the human woman going back to her hotel room with the male alien. Upon arrival, the human woman and the male alien disrobe... and with some dismay, the woman sees that her companion has an incredibly small penis. "I don't think this is going to work," she says. "It's just too short." The male alien grins. "That's no problem!" He smacks himself in the forehead a few times... and with each blow, his member extends by several centimeters. "Wow!" the woman replies. "Only, now it's far too thin." Once again, the male alien offers a smile. This time, he pulls on his ears, and his shaft swells in circumference with each tug. Thoroughly impressed, the woman leaps onto the male alien, and the two of them spend the night in ecstasy. The next morning, the human woman joins her husband for breakfast. "So," he asks, "how was it for you?" "I'm not going to lie," the woman responds, "it was pretty amazing. How was it for you?" The man seems to wince at the memory. "Honestly, it was pretty bad. All I got out of it was a headache and sore ears."

Trump's New Book I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was an Arabic bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?” The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!” I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

How do you stop an alien invasion? You build a wall.

This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator". "Whoever wins... We lose."

What do you call it when an immigrant and a pedophile get into a fight? Alien Vs. Predator

If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn... They're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language

I got a bootleg copy of "Alien vs Predator" It was just some Mexican guy fighting a priest!

2017 First UFO lands Alien: "Take me to your leader." *Alien is brought to Pres. Trump. Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important."

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican. How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

The UFO landed in the trailer park... ...in front of Mr. and Mrs. Willfart, relaxing in their lawn chairs. They all started talking about their cultural differences etc. until they came to sex. Offering to swap "wives", the woman was lead off by the male alien. After starting, the alien asked "Is it good?". Mrs. Willfart replies "I wish it was just a bit longer". The alien says "Just tug on my right ear until it's as long as you like". She does so, and miraculously, his shlong grows to 8 inches. He then asks if it's satisfactory. "Can you make it thicker?" she asks timidly. The alien says "Just tug on my left ear, it'll get as thick as you like". She does so, and she's in heaven. After the aliens leave, Mr. Willfart asks his wife "How did you like the alien sex?". "It was fantastic!", she replied. "How did you like the sex with the alien woman?". He looked downcast, and said "It was OK, I guess, but she kept trying to rip my ears off!".

I wasn't sure about having sex with aliens Butt fuck 'et

So I heard today... Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does.

How do alien sport teams get to the game? In the sportsmanship.

What do you call a court case in which an immigrant is suing over sexual harassment? *Alien v. Predator*

List of cheesy jokes How do you organize a space party- you planet What do you call a cow with no legs- ground beef What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars- T Rex What do you call an everyday potato- commentator How do you put a baby alien to sleep- you rocket

How many eyes do aliens have One eye, at the same time!

What do you call an extraterrestrial cetacean? A Whalien.

If an illegal immigrant and paedophile have a fight Does that make it Alien vs Predator?

These 3 Newfies are out fishing in the Atlantic.... ...singing *row row row your boat* when a flying saucer appears and the aliens decide to try an experiment. They fire a beam into the boat that instantly removes a quarter of the Newfie's brains. The Newfies continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.* The aliens decide to intensify the beam so it removes half of the Newfies' brains. They zap them with the beam and they continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.* The aliens are amazed that their test subjects are still fishing and singing with half their brains removed. They decide to turn it up a notch and remove the whole brains. They fire the beam and the Newfies still continue to fish but now they start singing *frere jacques frere jacques.*

Why do aliens only abduct white people? Because they are easier to see in the dark.

How is November's election like the Alien vs Predator movie? Whoever wins...we lose.

If a child molester and an illegal immigrant get in a fight... Is it Alien vs. Predator?

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

What do aliens use to buy their coffee? starbucks

What did the horny aliens say when they invaded a planet of vegetables? "We cum in peas!"

What do you call a fight between a child molester and an illegal immigrant? Alien versus Predator.

What do you call a fight between an Illegal Immigrant and a Pedophile? Alien vs Predator

The starship Enterprise encountered an alien race... Kirk asks "What is your method of reproduction?" A pair of aliens, happy to oblige, touched their antennae together, and soon a bud formed on the side of one. It slowly grew into a small replica of the alien, then fell off and started running around the room. The aliens ask "How do you reproduce?", so Kirk grabs Uhura and proceeds to demonstrate. "Where's the baby?" the aliens ask. Kirk replies, "Well, with any luck, it'll be along in about nine months or so." "Nine months!" the alien exclaims. "If it takes nine months, why were you in such a hurry at the end?"

It's no wonder we've never met an alien It's no wonder we've never met an alien, i'd have a hard time developing a space program if no one believed in me, too.

Alien wife swapping A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

I got probed by an alien last night Its true what they say, Mexicans do work good with their hands

Playing with my Computer So, one of my friends at school was talking about how 98% of men "play with their right hand". Right after that another one of my friends says "I play with my computer" and we were laughing so hard. The teacher was even wondering what was going on, later in the week I was in a Skype call with him and I referenced it, he then said: Alienware is a good partner.

Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

May He Rest In Peace I found an ugly creature dead in my son's bedroom. My son said it was an alien brain sucker. Apparently it starved to death.

[Siri Beta] What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A mars-upial

What do you call an alien civil rights activist? Martian Luther King jr.

Don't worry, God will save me... Said the man to the policeman. "Suit yourself," the cop said, "it's the apocalypse." A little while later, a bus comes up to the man. "Get in, we'll save you!" "Don't worry," the man said, "God will save me." "Suit yourself," they said, "it's the apocalypse." The man went up to the top of a very tall building to avoid the streets flooded. He looks up and sees a white light, and down descends a flying saucer. "Come with me if you want to live," the alien said. "Don't worry, God will save me." "Suit yourself, your world is dying." The alien left. The man died. The man met God and asked him, "why didn't you save me??" And God answered, "I sent you a cop, a bus, and a flying saucer. You were too stupid to get in them."

What do you call an Extraterrestrial from Melbourne? An Australien.

So the aliens abduct three people for experiments. They take a German, an American and a Russian and put each of them into a separate empty chamber, give them two steel balls each and say "Whoever surprises us the most tomorrow can go." The next day, the German is doing a handstand balancing the balls on top of each other on his toe. The American is juggling them while dancing. So they ask: "So, which one of us can go?" "The Russian", say the aliens. "What did he come up with?" "He asked us for more balls because he somehow lost one and broke another"

Did you know that cows are actually aliens? They come from the mooooooon

Little Billy ran up to his mom shouting "I figured it out! Obama is an alien!" Mom asked him, "What do you mean?" "Well, Dad says that these aliens called 'grays' are trying to take over the world." "OK dear, and how does that have to do with the president?" "Mom, don't you know? His dad is black and his mom is white. That makes him gray!"

What did the alien say when he got to the end of the universe? Nothing he just ran outta space..

The Mars mission should include an artist to capture the alien planet The art would be out of this world.

Two martian alien robots... Two martian alien robots get beamed down to Earth in front of a 76 station. Martian alien robot one looks at a gas pump and says, "take me to your leader." The gas pump dosn't say anything. Martian alien robot one pulls out his laser gun, points it at the gas pump and says, "take me to your leader or I'll kill you." Again, the gas pump dosn't say anything. Martian alien two says to martian alien one, "dude, hes not listening and is probably really tough. Lets move on to the next guy." "Fuck that!" Exclaims martian alien robot one. He then pulls out his other laser gun and points that at the gas pump as well. "Take me to your leader or I'll turn you into vapor!!!" Yells martian alien robot one. Yet again, the gas pump dosn't say anything, so martian alien robot one pulls the triggers. The gas pump explodes, blowing both martian alien robots across the street into a vacant lot. They come to and shake it off. Martian alien robot one looks at martian alien robot two and asks, "how did you know that guy was so tough?" Martian alien robot two looks at martian robot one and answers, "man, anybody that can wrap their dick around themselves twice and stick it their own ear is one bad motherfucker!"