100+ Accountant Jokes

I grew up in the projects and my suburban white friends were always nervous about what color to wear in my hood. "Is it ok to wear red?" "Yeah, dude. You look like the bassist for Weezer. You'll be fine. The crips aren't gonna see you in a red sweater and go 'Oh shit! The bloods got an accountant!' TimRossComedy

Four Surgeons Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded." The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

Don't want to play, no problem I've worked in computer security for a very long time. A security policy that I'm sure most of the audience here is familiar with is that you always lock your computer when you walk away. Even if you're an accountant or receptionist, you just can't leave your machine unlocked ever. About 10 years ago my team would have fun with this. If you ran to the bathroom or even had a conversation with your back turned someone would sneak up to your computer and jump on the chat client or even email and say something silly or stupid like "Does anyone know the meaning of life" or some other random thing. A lot of the teams would do this and it was mostly harmless but also was supposed to "shame" you into remembering to lock your computer before you walk away, without reporting you to security for your formal reprimand (retraining -> write-ups -> disciplinary action -> job hunt). Everyone knew it was good-natured and when the messages went out everyone had a good laugh. One day a new guy shows up and he leaves his computer unattended. I introduce myself, shake his hand, chat him up a bit and finally tell him he needs to lock his computer when he walks away, it's company policy, he probably ignored that in the training but it's a big deal. Sent him the documentation, because he thinks it's stupid (again, we're in the *security* umbrella). He says "whatever". I shrug walk away, and he and walks away making a show of not locking his computer. He got multiple warnings over his first few weeks from his team and other, but was a complete butt about it. After a while the team decides he's had enough warnings (and started being granted access to sensitive stuff) and so he was fair game. Not long after I walked by him on his way to the elevator atrium, so I know he's going to be gone for a while. I sit down, find his email client and type out a silly message to his team's DL and hit send. As I'm standing up he's walking back. He finds me and demands to know what I was doing. I shrug, say "whatever" and walk away. Later that day his manager walks up and tells me that he explained the situation to his new employee, and that the new guy "didn't want to play that game" and was considering reporting me to security for impersonating him. Really? Okay. No problem, Mr Manager (we were on very good terms), we will not play "the game" with your newbie. I will follow standard procedures. I got my team and a few others on chat to tell them that under no circumstances should anybody fire a message from him when they saw his computer unlocked. No "shame" reminders for newbie. Just follow the standard procedure. Almost 50 security violation tickets were logged in the next two days. \[his desk happened to be closer to the elevator atrium, break room, and bathrooms so a lot of normal traffic\] He was in security retraining the following Monday. We were in an open floor plan and I could see how mad he was talking to his manager and gesturing in my direction quite a bit. Not my fault, I had only opened two tickets. His manager asked me to let up. Sorry, just following standard procedure, if I don't report these violations I'm liable. Dude's computer was locked for the rest of that Monday only. The following day as I walked by, there was his email, for all eyes to see and newbie nowhere to be found... He happened to be getting coffee, which was my destination as well, and I told I noticed he forgot to lock his computer. He cussed me out and speed-walked back. The damage was done. He'd already had a dozen tickets opened by others. And the security policy had changed at some point. Now it was a quick retraining then straight to disciplinary action (no write-up). He had to attend a meeting with his boss, director, and some security folks (I would find out much later that he got put on a security related PIP). He was gone in a week. No one was out to ruin anyone's career here, but if you want to work in security and flagrantly violate policy because... I don't know why, well, you don't belong there.

A greedy old business man was dying, so he called his priest, his lawyer, and his accountant to his bedside. “They say you can’t take it with you, but I am certainly going to try” wheezed the business man. “When I die I want each of you to take one third of my money and throw it into my grave as they are burying me!” The three started to protest, but the business man stated “It’s my money and I will do what I want with it!” The three reluctantly agree.  A few days later the man dies. At his funeral the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant do as directed and each throw in a bag of money into the grave just as the coffin is being buried.   After the funeral, they start talking as they walk back to their cars. “I have a confession to make” says the priest. “When I thought of all the poor that could be helped by that man’s money, I decided to take a portion of it and donate it to the orphanage.”   As long as we are confessing” says the lawyer, “I need an oceanside vacation home, so I too took a handful of that geezer’s cash to use as a down payment.”  “Gentlemen, I am ashamed of both of you” replies the accountant. “I will have you know that I threw in a check for the full amount!”

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was  a clever idea.So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. ”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

The 100 Dollar Tattoo. Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, thirdly; I like how money feels in my hand, and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

What did one accountant say to the other accountant? "we have the same job"

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

A mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant are applying for the same job. The interviewer asks each one “What is 2 + 2?” The mathematician says "4." The statistician says "4." The accountant says "4." The interviewer says "Good work, that was just a test to weed out candidates who complicate simple things unnecessarily. Next question: How would you detect and explain a sudden but temporary spike in financial data that doesn’t align with known business activity?"

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job... ...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."

Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!! Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test: Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Little Johnny : SIX. Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!

A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train The 3 accountants each buy tickets, but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks one of the accountants. "You'll see.", an engineer responds. As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor knocks on the door, one arm comes out through a narrow crack in the door to give him the ticket. The accountants all agree that this is a great way to save money, so on the return trip, the accountants only buy one ticket, but the engineers don't buy any tickets. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks an accountant. "You'll see." responds an engineer. As the train leaves the station, all three accountants pile into one bathroom and an engineer knocks on the door and says "Ticket, please.".

Accounting Joke (from my professor) A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them, "Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the remainder of my money." He then hands the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant three envelopes that contain $100,000 each. "While my coffin is being lowered into the earth, please throw each of the envelopes in. Don't tell anyone what's inside the envelopes." So the three men leave. Sure enough, one week later, the man dies. During the funeral, the three men toss the envelopes into the grave whilst the coffin was being lowered. After the funeral, the three men go to a cafe to discuss the life of the old man. The priest says, "I have a confession: I took $10,000 from my envelope. But I used it to fix up the children's home. The old man was always very generous and loved the children. I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing where his money went." The lawyer pipes in, "Well, I also have a confession: I took $30,000 as payment of a personal loan he borrowed from me years ago." The accountant, looking rather shocked, says, "I cannot believe you two! I wrote a personal check that covered the whole thing!"

A man goes to a brain store... He asks the owner how much an accountant's brain sells for. The owner tells him, "We sell that for $6 per pound of brain." He then asks how much a doctor's brain sells for. The owner tells him, "We sell that for $11 per pound of brain." Finally, the man asks how much a politician's brain sells for. The owner tells him, "We sell that for $1,000 per 4 oz of brain." The man is astonished and asks why so much. The owner tells him. "Do you know how many politicians we need to kill to find 1 oz of brain?"

Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children. "So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks. The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids." The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!" The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a prostitute..." "You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously. "Well... I'm a prostitute." "Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer... The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?" The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero." The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001." Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal?". The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "what do you want it to equal?"

Two small boys meet on the first day of school "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Three accountants and three engineers on the train Three accountants and three engineers all have to take a train to go to a special conference. At the ticket counter the accountants each buy a ticket but the engineers only buy one between the three of them. The accountants ask how are are they going to all travel with just one ticket. The engineers say "Watch this". when the train starts moving the three engineers all go into the bathroom together. when the conductor walks by he knocks on the door and asks "ticket please". one hand extends out of the bathroom with the ticket. The conductor moves along. The accountants agree that this is a very clever plan and decide to try it them selves on the return trip. However for the return trip when the accountants only buy one ticket the engineers by none. "how are all of you going to travel without any ticket?" the accountants ask. "Just watch" so the engineers. They all get onto the train the accounts all cram into one bathroom and the engineers cram into another. then one of the engineers leaves the bathroom and walks to the bathroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

A mathematician, a Statistician and an Accountant are in for a job interview. [x-post from r/accounting] The interviewer calls in the mathematician first, the interview goes well and for the last question the interviewer asks, "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies, "Four." The interviewer says great and then calls in the statistician, and after another good interview he asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says, "With such a small sample size the answer is four give or take point three percent, but on 9 times out of 10 the answer will be four.” Satisfied, the interviewer then calls in the accountant and at the end of the interview poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" Very suddenly the accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shades, disconnects the phone, then approaches the interviewer and asks, "What do you want it to be?"

Spooky story A man was driving down a deserted road at night when suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine died. He managed to pull over to the side of the road, grabbed his flashlight and popped the hood to see if there was anything he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately he couldn’t figure out what was wrong and began to get anxious. Suddenly he heard a deep voice from the other side of the road, saying: *It's your spark plug wire.* The startled man shouted, “Who said that?” and pointed the flashlight in the direction from which the voice came. There was an enormous black horse standing on the opposite side of the road and it repeated, “It’s your spark plug wire, it's disconnected.” Shaking, the man found the disconnected cable, connected it, jumped in the car and sped away. When he reached the next town he ran into the local bar and asked for a double shot of whiskey. He drank it in a single gulp, still trembling. A rancher sitting next to him asked, “What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost.” "You're not gonna believe it,” the man replied. “A talking black horse just fixed my car.” The rancher now looked just as surprised as the man and said, "I do believe you, my friend. As a matter of fact, you got very lucky.” Now frightened all over again, the man asked, “Why?” The rancher took another sip of his beer and replied, “Because that horse is an accountant! He don't know nothin' bout cars!”

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division... He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two". The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it." The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001." Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four." Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Son: What is accountant? Dad: That's where cows sleep when they go camping.

An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest... They encounter a frog. "I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100. They walk further, see another frog. "Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in the eye, licks the frog and retrieves his $100. "What was the point of this exercise? We've both done something disgusting, and we're no better off!" "We have grown the local economy by $200!!!" says the economist. "Yeah but we owe the government $40 each!"

Favorite Patient Five surgeons were talking about their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered. "The second surgeon says, Nah, libraries are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order. "The third surgeon says, "You have to operate on electricians. Everything inside is color coded!" The fourth surgeon smirks and says, " I prefer lawyers, they're heartless, spineless, and gutless, and their heads and Butts are interchangeable." After quietly listening to the entire conversation, the fifth surgeon pipes up and says, "I like engineers because they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. "

Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5 Ask an engineer and he'll say 4 Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

A Bartender wanted to open a whore house above his bar... He decided to ask his accountant if this would be a good business plan, but his accountant told him that if he did the bar below would never make it. When the bartender asked why his accountant said, "Because there's to much fucking overhead."

5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.' But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

Applying For A Job There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

My go-to accounting joke (Acknowledgement: This joke came from the Drew Carey show. I don't remember specifically which episode. I don't even know why I was watching it.) The owners of a micro-brewery are sitting around a table having their monthly board meeting. The accountant stands up and says "So, let's see, this month, we lost ... hmm... hmm... Hey! Does anybody have a black pen?" The CEO says "I can go buy one." The accountant replies "Yeah, but then we won't need it anymore."

Why was the accountant constipated? He couldn't budget.

Poop jokes! Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It never came out. Did you hear about the sequel, Diarrhea? It leaked so they had to release it early. (Yep, that one is OC, don't know if I should be proud of that but I am) Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't budget. Tell me your best poop joke! I'm looking for a good one to put up on the Joke of the Day board at work for my last day at this job on Friday. Update: I used the Jazz singer joke. He really knew how to scat! Update 2: Sam is the worst person.

Three surgeons are discussing who makes... ...the best patients to operate on: The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

A man goes to see his priest. "Father I'm getting audited by the IRS and I don't know what to do. My accountant tells me to dress modestly but my lawyer tells me to dress to the nines and wear my most expensive watch to show I'm not afraid. " "Son, this reminds me of a girl that her mother told her to dress in a gown that covered her from her neck to her toes in her wedding night. But her best friend and maid of honor told her to dress in a see through teddy and garters" " Father, what does that have to do with me?" "It doesn't matter how you dress you're going to get fucked"

Some surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work... The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangeable."

Hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.

What to Wear A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.' Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.' Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi. 'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?' The rabbi responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

Best All Time Favourite Jokes A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question: The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked "1000" he replied without hesitation. "Thank you", they dismissed him. Next the statistician. "How much is 500 plus 500?" On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence replied the statistician "Thank you", they dismissed him. Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?" What would you like it to be? responded the accountant. They hired the accountant.

Why can't you fight an accountant ? They'll always out number you!

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=? The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because they are the same."   The mathematician responded, "Well, really for numbers to exist, one must actually assume that 1+1=2, then the entire number line can be constructed. It's an axiom."   The accountant gave a wry smile and said, "1+1 eh? Well, what do you want it to equal?"

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant. To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18? The mathematician immediately responds "63". The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 10%". The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70". The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "*how much do you want it to be?*"

Temptation A young couple are due to be married soon. The woman's hot sister asks the groom to be to come over and help her with her tax return, as he's an accountant. He obliges and is met at the door by the sister in some revealing clothes. He tries to ignore this and carries on as a professional. As they work through the tax details she gets more and more suggestive, when finally she gets up, bends over and whispers in his ear, "Meet me upstairs". She winks and slinks up the stairs, stopping only to remove her panties and throw them down to the shocked accountant downstairs. He sits for quite a few moments, before getting up and walking quickly to the front door. As he steps outside he's met by his soon to be wife and her parents. "Surprise!", they say. It turns out they wanted to be sure that he was the right man for her and would remain faithful no matter what. He passed the test, which they were thrilled about and welcomed him inside where they opened some champagne in celebration. The moral of the story, of course, is to keep your condoms in your car.

A dog applies for a job as an accountant... So a dog goes in for an interview at an accountant's. Unfortunately the manager HATES dogs for some obscure reason from his youth. Anyways, the manager tells the dog that it's got to pass three tests, else it can't be hired. "First, you've got to be good with computers." The dog immediately gets up onto the computer and displays his amazing prowess at both MYOB and Xero. The manger, getting angry now, says "Well, secondly you've also got to be able to sort paper work!" Swiftly the dog bounds along to the filing cabinet and sorts out the disorganized hell that is the firm's paperwork. The manager, starting to get quite flustered at this point, splurts out "Well, you've also um... You've also got to be bilingual!" The dog replies, "Meow". - Credit to a friend from my Scouting days.

Lady of the night A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a Lady of the night," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." "Chicken Farmer it is."

Football and accountancy in one joke A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross. At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken. "Great first half mate, you must be really fit". "Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work". "What do you do then?" asked the ref. "I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken. At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining. "Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - *Professional fowl*".

What do accountants use for birth control? Their personalities.

Why are the best accountants twins from Prague? Because they always double Czech their work!

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic> Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.

Eric is in Hospital Who the hell is Eric ? Well,Eric is the geezer who got home late one night: Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with .... "Where the hell have you been?" Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!" "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred quid note tattooed on my willy" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred quid note tattooed on his willy?" "Well...One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly... instead of you going out shopping all the time,now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want!!" Eric is presently in The leeds General Infirmary, Critical Care Unit. I'm afraid there're No visitors until further notice!

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant? He wanted an off-ice job.

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ? When you ask them "2+2 is ?": - The bad accountant will say "5" - The good accountant will say "4" - The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"

Hundred Dollar Tattoo on privates A hardcore Chartered Accountant gets home late one night. His wife angry and upset, says, "Where the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo!" "A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a Hundred Dollar on my privates" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust, "What is wrong with this man, why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a Hundred Dollar tattooed on his bloody privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a Hundred bucks anytime you want!" Wife faints... :D :P

Wife says to her Accountant husband Wife: what is inflation? Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48. Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION

"Two accountants go to their credit union!!" Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant So a lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are in a class. The professor writes 2+2=? On the board and asks all three of them what the answer is. The lawyer says "well it's four" The doctor says "if we take away the plus sign we can push both two's together to make twenty two" And the accountant looks at the question for a while, then says "well what do you want it to be?"

How does an accountant relieve his constipation? He works it out with a pencil

I told my accountant my favorite letter is W He said his favorite letter is W-2.

Chicken farmer tax A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

Four surgeons..... ......sat around discussing their favourite patients type. 1st surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order." 2nd surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order." 3rd surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded." The 4th surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The 4th surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the butts and brains are interchangeable."

Two accountants at a bank.... Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" To which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ... An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview. The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel. The physicist is asked the same question, and he replies 'Well, using a back of the envelope calculation, 2 is order of magnitude 1. Adding two numbers of magnitude 1, will result in a number less than order of magnitude 2. Therefore 2 + 2 is less than 100'. They finally pose the problem to the mathematician, and he pulls out this notebook and starts scribbling. 30 minutes later, he looks up the panel and triumphantly declares, 'It converges!!!'

Why do accountants make the best serial killers? Because they're calculating.

Little Johnny's Father Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today." The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny." The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very good," the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

A middle-aged Jew goes into a confessional He sits down and the priest says "Why are you here, my son?" The man says "Father, I'm a 53-year-old accountant, I'm short, balding, and overweight. Last night I had wild, passionate sex with a gorgeous blonde college cheerleader." The priest looks at the partition, puzzled. "Chaim Goldstein?" he asks. "You're Jewish - why are you telling me this?" "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, meets his accountant. The Godfather says to the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather pulls out a gun and says, "If you don't tell me where it is, I'll shoot you in the head and splatter your brains against the wall!" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute, but i can interpret for you" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the money is. The accountant signs back, "The money is under the floorboards in my shed!" "Well, what did he say" asks the Godfather. The attorney replies, "He says he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

What birds make the best accountants? Flamingos. They're real good at balancing.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-square. He told the dog to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle which the dog did with finesse. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide-rule. He told the dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three which the dog did with ease. The chemist said that was good, but he allowed his dog could do better. He told his dog named Measure to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces in a ten ounce glass. The dog did this immediately. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "what can your dog do?" the union man called his dog who was named Coffee Break and said "show the fellows what you can do." Coffee Break promptly ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe work conditions, applied for workman's compensation and left for home on sick leave.....

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant. To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18? The mathematician immediately responds "63". The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%". The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70". The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers *"how much do you want it to be?*"

Two friends who haven't met for a while... ... bump into each other on the street. Edit: They are both male, which is relevant. Friend A says: "Hey, good to see you again! How's life?" Friend B: "Ah, pretty good, I've found a job at an accountant firm. And yourself?" - "You know what, I've opened a brothel!" - "Cool! How much do you charge for services?" - "Well, $30 for a blowjob, $50 for anal." - "And for, you know, normal??" - "I don't know, I haven't got any employees yet!"

Did you hear the one about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

Why did the Founding Fathers hire accountants from Prague? They needed a system of Czechs and balances.

An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body. The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that." The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itself, the perfect mechanisms of its joints, its balance and speed and grace to see that." The civil planner gives them the finger and says, "God is an accountant! That sumbitch cut the cost of materials in half by running a waste disposal plant through a pristine recreational area!"

An accountant at a bank was constipated Apparently he couldn't budget, but he worked it out with a pencil and paper and it was all good.

Three dogs and their owners are at the veterinarian's office ...waiting for their respective appointments. The vet goes into the waiting room and says to the dog owners, "I bet I can tell you what each of you does for a living if you let me spend a few minutes with your dogs." The owners, intrigued by the prospect, agree. The vet takes the dogs into his exam room and returns only five minutes later. He says to the first dog owner, "Are you an engineer?" "Yes I am! How did you know?!?" "Well, I gave your dog a few bones and he built a little building on the floor." All three owners were impressed as the veterinarian moved to the second dog owner. "And you must be an accountant." The second owner was flabbergasted. "I am, but how did you figure that out?" "Well I gave your dog a few bones and she arranged them neatly in lines in order from largest to smallest." The third owner sat smugly, sure the veterinarian wouldn't be able to figure out her profession. "And you ma'am, must be a restaurant server." The third dog owner was in complete shock, "I never thought you'd figure that out. What did my dog do when you gave him the bones?" "Well he crushed the bones and snorted them up his nose. Then he went and humped the other two dogs and asked if he could go home early."

5 surgeons discussing who it's easier to operate on So there's 5 surgeons talking about who is easier to work on. One says well, it's electricians, because they are color coded inside. The second says librarians, because they use the Dewie Decimal System to organize their insides. The third says construction workers, cause they come with a good blueprint. The fourth says accountant, because everything is in numerical order. The last says no, you are all wrong, it's easiest to work on politicians. They have no spine, they have no guts, they have no heart, no brain, and no balls. On top of that, their head and their ass are interchangeable!

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't budget.

Accounting Joke: Why did the accountant cross the road? Because that's what they did last year.

Why did the dentist's accountant get arrested? Incisor's trading.

"only 6 months to live!!!" A sickly patient went her doctor's office where she underwent a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

a Rabbi, an accountant, a banker, and a doctor walk into a bar mitzvah

What did the British gentlepimp say to his accountant bitch? Tally ho!

An accountant sucks at his job... After his last warning for not paying attention to detail, an accountant is fired from his job. He decides that the great outdoors is calling him anyway, so it doesn't really bother him. he decides to throw caution to the wind and become a lumberjack despite knowing nothing about the profession. Because of this he sets off to get some practice chopping trees down. He walks into the local hardware store and asks for gloves, a saw and a hardhat. The store clerk sets him up with a chainsaw, gloves and a hard hat and sets him on his way. The next day the new lumberjack comes back covered in dirt, sweating and weathered from his first day of lumberjacking. The clerk asks him, "How many trees did you fall?" The new lumberjack says "NONE! This saw is faulty, I've been trying all day and it doesn't even leave a mark in the trees, I've tried it on pine, maple, doug fir and all the same result, it HAS to be the saw." The clerk takes a look at the saw and asks, "Did you put oil in it?" "Yes I did," says the lumberjack, "it just doesn't cut like I said" The clerk inspects the chain, the tension and everything looks good. "Did you put gas in it?" he asks. "Of course I put gas in it, do I look like an idiot?" The clerk looks at it for a second, decides everything should be in order and pulls the chord. The chainsaw starts up with an ear-blasting, "RRRRRWWWEEEEE!!!" The lumberjack jumps back, "Whoa! What the hell is that sound?!"

A director, an accountant and and engineer go for a round of golf... By the time they get to the fourth, there's a bunch of guys thrashing around blocking the course. The director calls over a groundsman and says "Who the hell are those bloody idiots up ahead?" "Ah yes sir, they're from the local school for the blind." "You mean they're actually blind?" Says the director incredulously. "Yes sir." "That's bloody ridiculous, time is money and I have an urgent meeting this afternoon!" The accountant says "Well, in these tough finacial times, the Club probably needs all the revenue it can get." The engineer says "So why don't they play at night?."

Accountants are very clever opponents. They are used to being underestimated.

This is a robbery In some firm, two masked thieves enter: -This is a robbery The accountant, relieved: -Thank GOD, I thought it was the IRS.

An accountant goes to the doctor... An accountant knocks on the door of his doctor's surgery and walks in. "Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye." With that he turns around and walks out. ---- 30 seconds later he is back. "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me." The Doctor looks up from his desk and says: >"Mmm. I think you have a serious case of double entry."

A small, frail account is sent to prison for embezzlement... when he's sent to his cell, he meets his cellmate. Just the sight of his cellmate, a large man with bulging muscles, a scar down his left cheek, and tattoos all over his body, intimidates the accountant. As soon as the accountant enters the cell his cellmate asks him threateningly, "do you want to be the husband or the wife?" The accountant meekly responds "look man, I don't want any trouble, I just want to do my time and get out of here." His cellmate just looks at him and angrily repeats the question, "do you want to be the husband or the wife!?" Again, the accountant pleads for peace, "come on man, just let me do my time in peace, I don't want any trouble." Undeterred, the cellmate again repeats his question, raising his voice even further, "DO YOU WANT TO BE THE HUSBAND OR THE WIFE!!!???" The accountant relents and replies, "fine, I guess I'll be the husband" to which his cellmate immediately responds, "come over here and suck your wife's dick."

Instead of an accountant, hire a philosopher to do your taxes. It's the thought that counts.

Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter. Blame GROCO PCA

Bank Robbery Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line-up the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" Number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

What do you get when you cross an accountant with an airplane a Boring 747.

Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.

Why is Adam known as the first accountant? He turned a leaf and made an entry.

We've hired a new accountant. Her name is Helen Wait. Anyone expecting a check from us can go to Helen Wait.

Did you hear about the accountant who daydreams about being an actuary? He craved more risk.

Why are all of the accountants supporting Hillary Clinton? They want to save 20%.

Accountant An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?" He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five." When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew that" and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right" "We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."

What type of people do doctors like to operate on... Several doctors are lounging in the hospital cafeteria during their break. They begin to discuss their favorite patients to operate on, according to the arrangement of their organs: The first says: "I like accountants because everything is arranged in alphabetical order." The second says: "I like librarians because everything is arranged using the Dewey decimal system." The third says: "I like electricians because everything is color-coded." The fourth says: "I like lawyers because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and their head and ass are interchangable."

A priest is about to die Heard this from the priest at my church: A priest is really sick. His whole life, he spent trying to be like Jesus. Now he is in the hospital waiting to die. He calls for his accountant and says to come visit him with his lawyer. They go and ask "Why did you call for us?" To which he replies "I wanted to die like Jesus. In between two thieves"

Accountants aren't boring people They just get excited about boring things.

Economics Joke As an Economics major, I found this joke summed up the field pretty well. "A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?"