Sebastian Maniscalco

The setup points the reader toward 'Live in the negative. My wife is in the positive, okay?', then the trigger 'Came back to our house, I said, “Put the ‘for sale’ sign up.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Went back to her place, started to watch a movie.', then the trigger 'Halfway through the movie, the dairy starts dancing, right?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’ll pay cash.” What? It’s not a body shop! Beautiful garden growing up, though; beautiful. We never went to the groc...', then the trigger 'We grew it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Get some noise going. I later told her, right? I said, “Yeah, I got a dairy problem.” She’s, like, “Dairy?', then the trigger 'I thought you had OCD.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'This one takes out the cherries. She’s eating the cherries, and we’re, she’s talking to me and my wife.', then the trigger 'Now, it’s all over my face.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I couldn’t share ’em. Everybody’s got a secret in the room. Everybody… everybody here has a secret. Especially that l...', then the trigger 'I couldn’t digest dairy, okay?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'He’d often ask me, “What grade are you in?', then the trigger 'Where are you at?” Now the buddy’s got a man-cave he can’t stop talking about.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’m like, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe, get it off!” And they would just hold me there.', then the trigger 'Stay!” “I can’t… “I can’t breathe.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is meta-humor with incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Got a compound bow and arrow. Now, if you don’t know anything about a compound bow?', then the trigger 'The arrow travels at about 300 yards per second.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And I’m thinking if this guy gets into the pool with his Band-Aids on, they’re gonna', then the trigger 'have to drain the pool and refill it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s so terrific, the employees can’t stop eating it. The employees are never working. They’re always in the dining r...', then the trigger 'Ever walk in there?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It goes right over the glass. Get your claw out of the salsa. And nobody talks to the Chipotle people.', then the trigger 'There’s no conversation that happens.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“No one’s looking for that, Steven.” But when you’re in your 40s and you… go on a', then the trigger 'vacation, a lot different than when you’re 20.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You give it your all. Pride in work. You look around now, nobody’s working.', then the trigger 'The people that are working, they don’t want to be there.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'My father, constantly looking for a deal, went to the dentist.', then the trigger 'Sitting down at the dentist, the dentist told him, “Listen, you need a crown.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'What lawn… why…? What does the lawn have to do with a puppy? What are you talking about?', then the trigger 'There was no napping, growing up.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Oh-ho, you got to come by. “Got my man-cave. “Go down there, watch the game on Sunday.', then the trigger 'Got my beer in my little koozie.” Man-cave?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I didn’t even think the Jews went down there. But Italians and Jews… very similar, you know?', then the trigger 'People say “same corporation, different division,” all right?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You’re bragging about a man-cave? My father had a man-cave, it was the house.', then the trigger 'There was never, “Change the channel, Dad!” We didn’t do that.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It will find you. You’ll be talking, hanging out, right? The damn thing will just come in. You’re like, “Oh, God!', then the trigger '“It’s a Band-Aid!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I didn’t know what was going on. I was watching cartoons on a Saturday, my-my father walked in the living room.', then the trigger 'He was like, “Hey.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I got a fever, my mother started cutting potatoes.', then the trigger 'She would put slices of potatoes with a rag… I go, “Don’t we have any Tylenol?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It was Black Weekend in Miami. So we looked like four mozzarella sticks at the pool.', then the trigger 'My friends still think they’re in their 20s.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Where do you meet him? This guy didn’t have a table at a nightclub in Pakistan. Girls, they walk in.', then the trigger '“Oh, my… Binny, Binny’s here!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I don’t go near people. I don’t chitchat, all right?', then the trigger 'I know a lot of people like to go in the midst of people.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Have you seen people’s… Have you seen people’s feet…?', then the trigger 'Guy took his shoe off, looked like he had a machete hanging off his toe.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'How does this happen? After one Band-Aid, isn’t that a hospital visit?', then the trigger 'What are you trying to fix… at your home with four Band-Aids?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I could read for a couple of hours with some meatballs on the table.', then the trigger 'When I first met my wife, I had some secrets.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'So… And when we picked this beautiful theater for this, uh, special, I told my father, you', then the trigger 'know, “I’m gonna do this special “in Chicago.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'God, I can’t go back out there. It’s so rancid. But it’s fun.', then the trigger 'It’s fun being married, sharing my life with a beautiful woman.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It took me 23 minutes to get a burrito out of this place, huh?', then the trigger 'I felt, at the end of this, Chipotle owed me something.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You’re on the plane. Oxygen comes down. People start breathing. I’m hanging myself.', then the trigger 'You think I’m hitting the water at 6,000 miles per hour?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I want to hear the acoustics in the bathroom.” So I would lock the door, I', then the trigger 'would put the water on in the bathroom.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Are there Indians here? Is this a casino? You guys are great. Thank you so much for coming out.', then the trigger 'God bless you.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'We need something, okay?” The priest says, “We don’t pay for Mass.', then the trigger 'We pay for funerals.” I said, “Then put me “on the funeral circuit.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward '30 years ago, if you liked to dress up as a baby, nobody knew that.', then the trigger 'You did that in the privacy of your own home.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“You got me, I got you.', then the trigger 'Behave.” So the next morning, I come down for breakfast, I got a guy in my yard already.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Like that’s gonna take… take weight off the bag. And her mood changes, she’s like, “Ooh… “I’m sorry.', then the trigger '“Your bag is two pounds over.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Does anybody wanna put up some flash? Looks like braille. But people sale stuff on this with no problem.', then the trigger 'I dunno, I can’t do this.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“How’s it happening?!” But whatever your kid does, nobody cares! They got their kid in every sport nowadays, every ac...', then the trigger 'What are you doing?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Those people go through a three-week training on this computer, and we’re just jumping in on that?', then the trigger 'Again, I never wanna be the problem, okay?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’m gonna try and self-diagnose what I have based on other people’s stories and anecdotes.', then the trigger 'This is the worst thing you could do to yourself.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They’re not moving, right? You’re like, “Come on!” Right, you’re like, you change into an animal.', then the trigger '“Come on!” You’re just looking for the pass lane.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Never bothered you in the beginning, right?', then the trigger 'Now little things, just the way somebody brushes their teeth in the morning could set you off.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And I’m like, “You’re gonna determine “whether somebody goes to prison “and you’re having problems with', then the trigger 'the name badge?” You need a release, right?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '‘Cause if you touch it, you might end up with it. You’re like, “I never wanted it.', then the trigger '“I just wanted to act like I did.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '” He’s like, “Why twice?” And I’m like, “Yeah, why twice?” For years, I been doing two. One, you get nothing.', then the trigger 'Two, it happens.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '” She’d turn to her girlfriends, “Hold my purse, Joanne. ” And you’d go out to the dance floor.', then the trigger 'You wouldn’t touch one another.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“We got company. ” And you lost track of time. Two hours went by, you were like, “We gotta get outta here.', then the trigger '” “That’s okay.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '‘Cause what normally happens is the bill will travel around the table.', then the trigger 'People will then begin to pitch in what they think they owe.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And the whole line got upset. I could tell the whole line got upset at me with the plastic bags.', then the trigger 'I go, “Yeah, plastic.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You’re looking to pass them. And it seems like it’s days, it takes days for this to happen.', then the trigger 'But you’ll finally get it, right?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is meta-humor with incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I knew she wasn’t 100% because Japanese people are quiet. I never asked that question, a 100% Japanese, “Yeah!', then the trigger 'We’re here!” It doesn’t happen.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'The people there are one step away from being a defendant. Nobody knows how to follow instruction.', then the trigger 'The guy’s up there, it’s simple, “Name.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They put people in sex-addiction clinics. There is no such thing as a sex-addict, okay?', then the trigger 'How do you know you gotta problem with sex?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward 'Nobody’s got Orangina. Throw that at a chick, “You wanna glass of Orangina?” “You have Orangina?” “Yeah, I got it.', then the trigger '” This girl had nothing.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s like a hotel. Soon as we walk in, I turn around, “Want a little Diet Coke?', then the trigger 'What do you want?” I got Orangina.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Go to the club, they got, everybody’s gotta tattoo now. Oh, my God! I can’t believe it!', then the trigger 'All the guys will get one, right?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'The problem I had is she then took a piece of bread and did a sponge job.', then the trigger 'My father does that during the holidays.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Come murder me and my family. ” You don’t know what you’re getting. We used to have a garage sale.', then the trigger 'That’s how we did it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward 'Grocery store, that’s always a problem, right? Customer service, they gave up. They grocery store gave up on us.', then the trigger 'They put in self-express checkout lanes.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '” “Hi, we’re the Gibsons.', then the trigger '“Just wondering why my child Tyler’s not participating “in the game with the rest of the kids?” “‘Cause he stinks.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'First place got the trophy, right? Yeah, that’s it. It inspires competition, right? They don’t even keep score in the...', then the trigger 'I couldn’t believe it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '” You would go in for the kill, you would get the number, like, “Why don’t', then the trigger 'you write your number down on a napkin?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s called company. Be sitting there on a Thursday night, watching TV, your doorbell rang, the whole family shot off...', then the trigger '“Oh, my God!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'He came on MTV, I’d stop what I was doing, it was like an event. I’m like, “Ma, look at this!', then the trigger '“He’s got one glove.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'American Idol, this is a huge, huge thing. What is it? It’s your neighbor.', then the trigger 'You turn it on, you’re like, “Isn’t this Kyle from Kinkos?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'This woman’s like, “I don’t want any of those “cucumbers or olives, so double up on the turkey.', then the trigger '” It don’t work that way!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“I got pipes, I got pipes!” “How old is your computer “that you still have the pipe screensaver? “Is it beige?', then the trigger '“Is it a Presario?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They guys asked me, “What do you want on your sandwich?” I told him, “Run it through the garden.', then the trigger '“ It’s everywhere you go.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Put the lights on! “We got people!” The whole family went to the door. The kids were in socks.', then the trigger 'They slid up to the door.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And I’m glad you guys came out tonight to watch some live entertainment, because I don’t', then the trigger 'even know what they’re giving you on television.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“What the hell is Sanka?” Your mother had a tin, brown and orange tin of Sanka', then the trigger 'ready to go just in case the company.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward 'You need to go out. You need to do stuff like this.', then the trigger 'Friday night comes out, “Come on, we’re going out, we’re gonna do stuff.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Is that for better reception? “You get better reception that way?” What? You gotta dummy it down.', then the trigger 'You gotta explain exactly what they see.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Ladies, be prepared for the come-over, okay? Have some options for me. You come to my place, I’m ready for you.', then the trigger 'I have it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'If you wanna get a temperature gauge on what society is looking like, go to jury duty.', then the trigger 'They say it’s a jury of your peers.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“At least let me leave that tip down. “Come on, huh?” Now the person will then say, “Your money’s foreign.', then the trigger '“I got it all.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Very respectful, you’d just watch each other move. You’d be like, “Yeah. ” You had that stupid dance face.', then the trigger 'You’d lean in, “You look fantastic.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is superiority.

The setup points the reader toward 'Went to Starbucks, every day that’s all I do, is I watch people and', then the trigger 'I get upset, I can’t take it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They basically said, “You know what? “You do it. ” Why am I working at the grocery store now?', then the trigger 'Do you ever look over there?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '” It’s getting weird, man. World is changing. And I dunno if it’s for the better. Lotta technology out there.', then the trigger 'I’m not into it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Put in Carmine for the three!” No! Italians, what do we do? Cement, nice cement driveway.', then the trigger 'Give us a church, we’ll paint the whole ceiling.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“I’ll take you out for some steak next week, huh?” And you would get the number on a napkin.', then the trigger 'It was kinda damp, right?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’m sitting in line, I’m watching people eat the yogurt.', then the trigger 'First of all, everybody had a sample before they got, what is with the sampling?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I thought there was some guy filling up little caplets going, “Tell ’em walk around!', then the trigger '“I can’t get the damn things on, they’re too small!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They’re always asking me, “Sebastian, when are you?” I go, “I dunno if I want kids. ” They’re like, “What?', then the trigger '“Sebastian, kids are a miracle.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Nice couple here, hugging her, gripping onto her, “It’s my girl. ” It’s nice, it’s love all about.', then the trigger 'The first date’s the big date, though.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“I got this tonight. ” The person doesn’t sit down. You have to come back with number two.', then the trigger 'Now, you go fish for the money.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'The ink would bleed a little bit.', then the trigger 'Before you left the club you had to ask her, “Excuse me, sweetheart, is this a seven?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '” It’s hand lotion. They act like they got something that we’ve never seen before.', then the trigger 'Who’s trying the cream and going, “Oh, my God!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Why is everybody bragging about their kids? Don’t we have any dumb kids anymore? My parents were honest with people.', then the trigger 'They never bragged about me.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Asking for the check. Two years old, in third grade. But you have a family, maybe. It’s hard to stay married.', then the trigger 'Peaks and valleys.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Sorry to hear that. ” He walked his way, I walked mine. There was no problem.', then the trigger 'But sometimes they scare the crap outta you, right?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’m like, “What is this, Johnnie Walker “and mixed vegetables?', then the trigger '“Change out your cubes!” Every three days I’m breaking cubes at my house, fresh.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“What the hell have you been doing?” And in my head I’m like, “I think I’m dying.', then the trigger '” So I went to the hospital.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward 'So I go, 7:30 in the morning, right? You sit there in this little room.', then the trigger 'And I dunno man, we’re in trouble as a country.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“I got no cake! I go no Sanka! “I got nothing!', then the trigger '“I got nothing for these people!” You can’t stop by anybody’s house anymore.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.