Michael Mcintyre

The setup points the reader toward '“We left the pub five minutes ago. “I must have swam, but I’m not wet. I have no recollection.', then the trigger '“I’m not even a strong swimmer.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It doesn’t make any sense, this airline. It’s £1 to use the loo and 99p to get to Rome.', then the trigger 'Where is the logic in this?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“It was my husband’s idea.” Then I realised I was in the only cubicle.', then the trigger 'They were basically queuing for the cubicle that I was in.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’m phoning them. “Where are you? “I think I know how might have left me that message.', then the trigger '“We’ll talk about this in a minute.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'But if I’m honest with you, I never look for urinals. Far too tense, big lines of horse-pissing men.', then the trigger '(HISSING) Sometimes standing unfeasible distances, looping.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And you conclude there’s an idiot in that car. You start discussing it with other people in your car.', then the trigger '“Have you seen the idiot?” “Ugh!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is superiority.

The setup points the reader toward '“It’s quite hot when your face is in it.', then the trigger 'It’s quite hot when your face is in it.” Men really love the sun for barbecue.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'She’ll go to sleep before me. I will cuddle in. Arm goes over. Her legs will be like that.', then the trigger 'I’ll slot mine in nicely behind.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“If I’d have known that you got up I would have had some of your water.', then the trigger '“But I didn’t know that you got up.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It says mna, M-N-A, and fir, F-l-R.', then the trigger 'And I had to determine quickly, ’cause I was desperate, whether I was a mna or a fir.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I went on Ryanair. I’ve actually never been on Ryanair before this. I’ve only heard people take a piss out of it.', then the trigger 'Oh, my God!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'What do they look like?” “You ever been out of the cupboard, Cumin?” “Once, I think,', then the trigger 'for Bolognaise.” “They said it was an experiment.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“You disgust me. Everything about your being, and your clothes are hideous.', then the trigger '“For that reason, I’m out.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I phoned them up and I said, “Look, this isn’t me.', then the trigger 'There’s been some kind of issue.” “All these phone calls are to Nigeria.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'To catch up on what you’ve missed.', then the trigger 'How did you sleep?” This leads to what is undoubtedly the most boring conversation of the entire day.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It wasn’t you.” Nightmares happen on occasion.', then the trigger 'I think for all people in relationships, every once in a while you have this terrible dream.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '(GASPS) “I will phone my phone.” If you lose your keys, you’ve lost your keys. You can’t just phone your keys.', then the trigger 'Is that my keys?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'How awkward is that? “You named your child what I named my dog?” “I did.', then the trigger 'I didn’t know.” He’s got no manners, the four-year-old.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Nobody?” One of the great things about your phone is that if you lose your phone, you', then the trigger 'can phone your phone to find your phone.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Get in and out. Don’t waste any time. The race is on.', then the trigger 'Even while you’re still putting petrol in the car, you’ve clocked other people.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'We’re still two or three hours from getting into the bed.', then the trigger 'Creaming, different creams… “Just creaming myself… “Be with you in about 45 minutes, honey.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Window, here.” (MUMBLING) Can they really not get the plane in the sky? Is the captain there going, “I can’t.', then the trigger 'Nothing seems to be working.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'She walks into the changing room like a normal human being holding the trousers.', then the trigger 'Then she comes out, doing this really… “What do you think?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I don’t know, by the way, if I am signing. I don’t speak sign language.', then the trigger 'If I want… This is more how I dance.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You’re in a much better position than I am.” “How could you do this? What about the children?” “Good idea.', then the trigger 'Send one of them.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'If there’s an area of my body that doesn’t require a workout, it’s going to be the', then the trigger 'wrist area, if I’m brutally honest with you.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’ve got a lot going on, I’m moving.', then the trigger '“Can you be more specific?” “I’m sorry, sir, we can’t specify a time.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'We can go. “Are you crazy? Get a plane airborne with your seat here?” “Here, now, let’s go.', then the trigger '“Your armrest needs to be here.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“I had this really weird dream. We were in this house, we were in this house… “Yeah? In this house, yeah?', then the trigger 'In this house, yeah?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'But who are they? Who’s this collection of widowed Scottish women?', then the trigger 'Who’s that one in the advert, just runs around, “Oh, my husband’s gone.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s quite an odd response.', then the trigger 'There’s an initial laugh, then a pause and people going, “Hmm, hmm… It works.” I’ll tell you my big news.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '(INAUDIBLE) How can they even see it? Is that how they watch TV at home? Tough day at work?', then the trigger 'Stand directly next to the TV.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Some kind of cocktail. That’s not what happens.', then the trigger 'I brush my teeth, flossing, maybe mouthwash… I go to sleep minty fresh, like most of you.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That’s stupid.” “I just thought it was the right thing to do.', then the trigger 'I went along with it.” There’ll be dreams to update as well.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I could do without the honesty.', then the trigger 'She will literally go, “Sorry, I didn’t kiss you, Michael, but you stink from your face.” “Okay, sorry.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'So you just drop it and keep your hand like that.', then the trigger 'Then you have this redundant hand you have to find a use for.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“It was you, darling. When did you phone me? “Did I miss a call from you earlier? No, false alarm.', then the trigger 'It was me phoning me.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They were warned that Irish people would be staggering home from the pub at night going,', then the trigger '“Oh, she fancies me, the blonde one, Siobhan.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Give the little one the Wii and tell the other one there’s ice cream.” “You must', then the trigger 'go and save us.” “All right, I’ll go!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That is my biggest fear. In fact, that isn’t my biggest fear.', then the trigger 'My biggest fear is that that happens and I’ve slept on both arms.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'She’s no threat at all.', then the trigger '“These are my main competitors.” Sometimes I put less petrol in the car just ’cause somebody else has finished.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'He finishes off his lunch and he', then the trigger 'just goes, “Ice cream!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Zero minutes.” The most important thing when I was moving was to get internet and TV.', then the trigger 'These are the most important things in my life.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Do you not know anything about fashion?” I said, “No, I don’t.', then the trigger 'What is it?” “It’s a little bag, and it’s for your essentials.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '(CROWD CHEERING) Thank you, Wembley. (CHUCKLES) Thank you. (CROWD CHEERING) That is very rude. That’s very rude.', then the trigger 'Now, you know… No, no, I’m sorry.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'If she’s a 12, we have to', then the trigger 'go home immediately.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And I was so hot as well.” “You were hot? I was quite chilly.', then the trigger 'I was actually quite chilly.” “Oh, I was really hot.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'My big news is that I’ve moved. I’ve moved very locally to here. It’s always exciting moving.', then the trigger 'I got a mortgage for the first time.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'We know you’re rich, you don’t need to bring cash with you.', then the trigger 'They bring cash and put it on the table in front of them.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Get the perfect distance away. Take off old pants, put new pants on! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’m back in pants.', then the trigger 'Sometimes I go too quickly.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I didn’t recognise my own voice and it freaked me out for weeks.', then the trigger '“You have one new message.” “Where are you?” “Who is that?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You know that I do this for a living and this is the end of my work day. You have no right.', then the trigger 'It’s not fair.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you very much, Wembley. Thank you, la...', then the trigger 'Thank you, Wembley.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Sometimes you get lost in the moment. “Oh, I really…” (SCREAMING) And she’ll tell me about it.', then the trigger 'That’s what I hate about a long-term relationship.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'How very rude.” So she take the piss out of me, she says,', then the trigger '“Oh, you obviously can’t handle it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '(GASPS) I’m like, “No, she’s made a mistake. She thinks this is the full-body massage.', then the trigger '“She’s going to go to my legs in a minute.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'What I want to know is why do they have these magazine articles every single spring?', then the trigger 'We automatically put weight on over the winter.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That moment was when I was on a Flybe flight.', then the trigger 'Flybe is one of those tiny planes that you can’t even believe is your plane.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'She’ll say, “I had this really weird dream.” And then she goes on to tell me about it.', then the trigger 'I can’t help you with that.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'On normal planes they don’t let you take off if your seat isn’t in the upright position. “Here to here.', then the trigger 'We can’t take off now.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You shouldn’t be interrupting me “you should be listening and learning.” “Isn’t there supposed to be bacon', then the trigger 'in a BLT?” “I have heard the rumours.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“And then they moved me here and put me back in this cupboard.', then the trigger 'No.” “What about you, Paprika?” (HUNGARIAN ACCENT) “I fell out once.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Scary post is getting that bill. I get a lot of previous-owner post. That’s just boring, isn’t it? You just bin it.', then the trigger 'Who are you?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Basically, our phone bills are mainly made up of us phoning each other’s phones. You dial the number.', then the trigger 'It’s exciting when you hear it ringing.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I don’t know.” I’ve been eating too much at petrol stations, let’s be honest, ’cause I’ve been on the road.', then the trigger 'I’m trying to lose weight.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'A lot of people drink and like wine, but let’s be honest, at least 90% of us', then the trigger 'are not experts in the field of wine.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s the only thing you can do that with. You get a second chance.', then the trigger 'And this lovely moment when you realise, “Where’s my phone?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Where are you?” Then the doorbell went. Always typical, isn’t it? Soon as you start phoning, the doorbell goes.', then the trigger 'And I was angry, okay.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Like a little island of hair that breaks away from the mainland. And they keep the island.', then the trigger 'They must think, “Shall I keep the island?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They have this one moment and think, “That’s it.', then the trigger 'Now I will lose the weight.” I had that moment and I still didn’t diet.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Just for miles and miles.', then the trigger '“You can see for miles and it’s so quiet, you can’t hear anything.” That’s ’cause nobody wants to live there.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'What are you getting so excited about?” So we’re looking around for this dress.', then the trigger 'A personal shopper, I’ve never met one of these before.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'We have a drinks cabinet.', then the trigger 'Many people will have drinks cabinets in their home.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I don’t leak water from my arse. But other men, they spend hours working away at the arse.', then the trigger 'Go through dozens of fresh towels.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That should be illegal. Standing there talking about house prices.', then the trigger '“Do you think we’ve reached the bottom?” I see people running to each other.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.