Daniel Tosh

The setup points the reader toward 'Every time I wanna cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the', then the trigger 'Amish and I’m like, “ho, ho, f*ck that.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They start doing blow and jerking off on each other. Emilio’s dead in the shower. You’re like, “holy cow.', then the trigger '“Did you see the alternate ending?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward '¶ Ahh ¶ was that Simba? What the f*ck? Was that Simba? That’s the Beckham-Pitt kid?', then the trigger 'The most beautiful child the world has ever seen.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Anyway, that night, she got raped, and she called me the next day, going, “you son of a bitch.', then the trigger '“You got me so good.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'A bunch of high-school kids, parents that are proud of them, and I’m belittling the entire thing.', then the trigger 'And the administration got really upset with me.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You’re not getting in here, f*ggots!” [grunts] Do you', then the trigger 'remember the commercials they ran?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Did you know there’s a penis on the little mermaid box?', then the trigger 'You try to draw Ariel for six months and not put a dick somewhere.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Well, then why don’t I have a demon?” [scattered laughter] I love snapple facts. I wish they would hire me.', then the trigger 'I’d give ’em facts.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It was a suspension roller coaster. A young lady, 25 years old, her leg is what decapitated him.', then the trigger 'Shattered her leg in over eight places.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Top that, Janikowski.” Oh, finally a raider reference that doesn’t involve sucking.', then the trigger 'People have always told me I have a sick sense of humor.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Yeah, somebody bought me a snuggie as a joke gift. Ha, the joke’s on you. I enjoy it.', then the trigger 'I toss and turn at night.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is meta-humor with incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“lah-dee uncle tom dah.', then the trigger 'Latrell’s going to Breckenridge.” I hate the summer games, for that matter.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“have you seen me in that hat? Not today, fence.” And he went over it.', then the trigger 'And there was a second fence with more signs.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Finally, a blanket that’s like, “nuh-uh, I’m gonna keep you warm.” It’s like having a small child', then the trigger 'with polio keep you in a full nelson.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s not like she’s gonna break up with me. She’s ten years younger. She’s one opinion away from being replaced.', then the trigger 'I can say that.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“Wait, how did I know to say that? “How did I know to say that? “Am I a wizard?', then the trigger '“have I always been a wizard?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s not you versus skank, honey. It’s you versus every skank.', then the trigger 'Do you see how the scale shifts in the other direction at that point?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Am I using that website properly? Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet in reverse. “we’re listening.” it’s nice, right?', then the trigger 'You can turn around.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“all men are created equal. “you know what we mean.', then the trigger 'Now get me some hot coffee, boy.” Oh… At least we’re not women, right, fellas?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I like when people acted shocked that Michael died. Are you kidding me?', then the trigger 'Michael was on borrowed time as soon as he switched races.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'If you don’t know, it’s when you throw cash on the hos. I came up with my own expression.', then the trigger 'I like to make it hail.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Where is that asterisk? Why don’t people talk about that?', then the trigger 'I’d love to know how many homers the babe would have hit had c.c.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And my vote is 48. […] I like watching movies on DVD. I don’t need all the extras.', then the trigger 'I don’t need to see alternate endings.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Break a leg.” this is what she said to me a few weeks ago', then the trigger 'right before I walked on stage.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward '“No, no, no, no, as soon “as I started spraying him in the face. “I’m like, ‘Daniel.', then the trigger 'This is gonna really hurt.'” [singsong] Hot pocket.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'No, no, it just clicked. “So you’re saying I can be anything?', then the trigger '“Oh, yeah, that sounds way better than “what I was gonna do.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'How’s that feel, whores? Yeah, just keep telling yourself you did it so your shirts would fit better.', then the trigger 'You did it because you’re a whore.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They always come back for my coochie in the dark.” And you will be like: “Thank', then the trigger 'you, Daniel and your new daylight savings time.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That joke is adorable.', then the trigger 'I wrote that joke so children could watch my show on TV and not be embarrassed in front of their parents.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You ever seen a sad person on a waverunner? Seriously, have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a waverunner.', then the trigger 'They’re so awesome.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Had I known that I would have pre-screwed it two turns.', then the trigger 'Sometimes I feel bad because secretly I hope New Orleans gets nailed again.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I think this country is ready for another Civil War. Because these NASCAR fans are out of control. Oh, there’s the line.', then the trigger 'I’ve drawn it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Which I do. Which I do.', then the trigger 'And in all fairness to me, if you’re a Vin Diesel fan, you shouldn’t be here watching me, anyway.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Or Maria Sharapova. “She’s breathtaking!” Really?', then the trigger 'When she was 13 and grunting I was into it, but now it doesn’t do much for me.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'OK, people that are laughing I’m gonna call you half-full. Because you’re focusing on the important part of the story.', then the trigger 'The bracelets are working.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Now make me a sandwich.” Then I give her kidney shot. Not a hard one.', then the trigger 'Just so “You know I love honey turkey.” POW!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You like sleeping on my carcass? Do you?” Goose why do you hurt so good? Maybe a higher thread count.', then the trigger '600 does the trick.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I do this for a living.', then the trigger 'Have you heard about this morning after pill or as I like to call it breakfast in bed?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Beautiful beaches and fifty dollars never bought me so much weed. Sure, there were branches in it. I don’t care.', then the trigger 'In a garbage bag.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into my yard.', then the trigger 'You don’t hear a four when you’re mowing.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I shared a computer with my girlfriend. She’d look up anything. “I’m gonna look up apples today.” She sets to “A”.', then the trigger 'Asian ass porn instantly!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That’s what I would steal.” But, I don’t have to because I’m white and I’ve had one for 3 years.', then the trigger 'That’s– That’s not racial.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That guy’s like a damn Snapple.” Right?', then the trigger 'You might not like the flavor, but once you pop the top you’re: “Ohhh, the Sun is hot!' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'But, Hollywood on their moral high horse, they won’t make movies about a retarded chimp.', then the trigger 'Unless of course you count a Vin Diesel movie.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s so they will stay on the ground. And yes I do that joke in Omaha.', then the trigger 'And I stare at them while I’m saying it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And a pool of blood comes around and lands on a dollar. Bob starts peeing himself. He can’t hold it.', then the trigger 'Not at that age.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Some of you aren’t laughing. We all miss your cousin. But not not laughing is not gonna bring him back.', then the trigger 'I don’t think that’s right.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I don’t know if you’re aware of this but ’07, extending daylight savings time two months longer. Yeah, I’m aboard.', then the trigger 'Do you not know this?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'They can’t hold on. So kids are catching them. “Mom, can we keep him?” “I don’t see why not.', then the trigger 'They’re not real.” They’re not.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Despite a solid 40 and great hands. I will celebrate.', then the trigger 'And I’m not gonna point to the heavens either, I’m gonna go like this.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Wake up in the morning have a delicious breakfast, drive to war. We can have it in Nebraska.', then the trigger 'We don’t need that horrible state.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I don’t think I could ever stab somebody because I’m really bad with the Capri Sun.', then the trigger 'And other reasons that even fewer would laugh at.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'New Orleans gets flooded, I said to myself: “If any city in this country needed a bath, it was New Orleans.', then the trigger 'Cajuns are dirty.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Now we have to be punished for all mankind? Because of you women eating an apple? What was women’s punishment?', then the trigger 'Do you even know?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Which is a positive joke for women unless of course you have fake boobs.', then the trigger 'Let’s be honest you’re not bright enough to get that joke.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That’s a game in our country.', then the trigger 'Where you can win a million dollars for surviving 30 days in a place where people already live.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'But he had a really bad dad. I’m reading the crowd. One more abortion joke? You got it. I could tell.', then the trigger 'I could tell.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'She got a nice full double D. She had a 5’3 frame.', then the trigger 'She put squeak toys in there, I thought that was a wonderful decision.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget you need gas to turn.', then the trigger 'It goes against your natural instincts.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'When I die, which is gonna be in four years. It’s the only thing I can plan.', then the trigger 'I’m gonna be cremated from the neck down.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Or on Comedy Central. They don’t want me to swear.', then the trigger 'But, I love to swear and I don’t know that I’m not allowed to swear.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Sorry, I found that funny. I’ll tell you what’s not funny.', then the trigger 'They sell those foam hands “You’re number 1” except they’re shaped like that.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Seriously, somebody get me a stick.', then the trigger 'I’m gonna beat this mutant.” Okay, here’s a joke that’s not gonna work, but I have to do it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I know you’re not stupid. I’m telling jokes. I’ve had plastic surgery. I could care less who knows.', then the trigger 'How old do you think I am?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is superiority.

The setup points the reader toward 'Do you realize what kind of message that sends? “I’ve been here for 60 years. May I have some bread?” “No.', then the trigger 'This is a game.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Next year it’s two months longer. It’s not new months like Recktober and Toyotathon. Which I’m sure he tried.', then the trigger '“What are you talking about?” “Nevermind.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Why did he pick today not to wear the helmet?” “You don’t make fun of me.', then the trigger 'I’m a handicap.” I agree with you balcony.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'We all know it wasn’t just black people looting, that’s for sure. There were tons of Mexicans there.', then the trigger 'And nobody was pointing the finger.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you’re like: “That’s because you were home schooled.” OK.', then the trigger 'Doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Highbrow poop joke. My father said “Impossible”, I said “Nay”. Top that, Bob Newhart. Do you love goose down feathers?', then the trigger 'Do you have the trifecta?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Because there are people out there that will find this funny and I’m not so selfish', then the trigger 'that I don’t care about them as well.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You can’t just put on the bottom and go… I mean you can, but then you', then the trigger 'have to keep the chapstick in your asshole.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It just means statistically I’m smarter than you are. And I had game.', then the trigger 'A leopard can carry two times its body weight into a tree.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’d like a vagina under my arm. Yeah, that’s extreme. I don’t even know if they can do this surgery.', then the trigger 'I signed the waiver.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Knowing I was dating someone who was always wrong?” And I’m in show business.', then the trigger 'Oh, she would get so jealous when I cheated on her.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That can be our field. Some of you are: “Oh, it’s not nice!', then the trigger 'Then we wouldn’t have any corn!” My SUV doesn’t run on corn.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'How great would that be, being American? “Looks like Costa Rica’s all in with 15 coconuts.” “We’re gonna to call.', then the trigger 'Hasta luego, small blind.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Are we even?', then the trigger 'You know there’s actually a blood test out now where you can find out if your kid is gay or not?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. She was a sad face clown.', then the trigger 'I could never tell if she was really happy.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That’s yeah, the best. Currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up, you guys are in for a treat.', then the trigger 'This is awesome.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'And we met online and people make jokes about it but that’s not how eBay works.', then the trigger 'You research, wait for one without a reserve.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That opening did not take long enough. We have another 55 minutes. I tell you how long I’ve been on stage.', then the trigger 'I think that’s nice.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'This guy’s more of a prophet less of a comedian.” You’re welcome. You are welcome, sir.', then the trigger 'I think we should legalize marijuana in this country.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'It’s not my kid. Because I’m white. You guys waited. “Is he white?', then the trigger 'Oh, he is white!” That joke is safe after all.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Now there’s a problem. You got two choices.', then the trigger 'You can 1 ignore it live that “Kite Runner” shame as long as you can bottle it.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'We don’t have our cell phones. This is really hard. I don’t even get service here anyway. I’m a Cingular.', then the trigger 'They merged with AT&T.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'I’m here alone because I make horrible decisions.” You don’t even know when a parade’s finished. Like: “Oh, is that it?', then the trigger 'Can we go?' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'You’re not in heaven. You’re in hell. You’re on PUNK’D.” Oh, damn you, Ashton. That one was elaborate.', then the trigger 'Way to go the extra mile.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward 'Which is equivalent to one chimpanzee. That’s why if you ever see retarded chimpanzee you turn and run.', then the trigger 'Because, that thing is a borderline superhero.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Oh, that’s my favorite season. Where your wife is lying dead on the floor. Am I right? It’s like Maine.', then the trigger 'We should get lobster.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is benign-violation.

The setup points the reader toward 'Laughter is the right response. White people going “Oooh” is ridiculous.', then the trigger 'You reap the benefits, you just don’t like it thrown in your face.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'That doesn’t make you famous. Of course money buys happiness. Ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that ri...', then the trigger 'They’re not allowed.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'Recorded at OC Pavilion in Santa Ana, CA Dan, in five minutes. Ladies and gentlemen. I deserve that. I’m really good.', then the trigger 'One of the best.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'We need classes. Know your role. Don’t you love that one: “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Do you live in America?', then the trigger 'Because it buys a waverunner.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.

The setup points the reader toward 'So you can go onstage, reach into some old guy’s pocket for a hundred-dollar bill?', then the trigger 'My grandpa used to do that all the time.' forces a reinterpretation. The main mechanism is incongruity-resolution.